Original subtitles

We own

you

bitches! We own!

Black guy was black so I didn't want to like own him.

Good call.

This is awesome, though.

I love parking and going- There's a spot! There's a spot! Yes!

Do we have the best luck or what?

Fuck you! No, fuck you! Fuck you!

Okay, it's too small anyway.

Motherfucker!

There are no spots!

Does everyone have a car now?

Did we get it? I just realized it's the driveway.

Fuck!

Can we put the top back up?

Oh,

God.

Okay, we need to park.

We need to park now.

Why would there be spots?

I'm a spy!

I'm a spy!

Motherfucker! Shit! You know what?

Owning this car's been the worst two weeks of my life.

Wait, someone's gonna steal it. Exactly.

Four and three and two and one.

You can't bring those in here.

Well, it's worth like six or seven bucks. There's loose juice all over the

place. How many times can you... Quality

bottle.

Um, I purchased these Dunkaroos last week, and then I realized that they were

expired. Yeah.

All Dunkaroos are expired.

Any Dunkaroos you see are literally from the 90s. They're from before I was born.

Before you.

Yeah. Okay, we don't need to get into the nitty gritty of Dunkaroos' corporate

history or whatever. I would just love to return this product, please.

Yeah, you can't return stuff at a bodega.

Okay, well then I will please take the store credit.

You can return them if you can tell me my name.

Yeah, of course. Your name is Bodega?

You think my name is Bodega? Oh, my God. No. I was going to say Bodine.

That's not a name. It is so.

My favorite aunt's name is Bodine.

You know, very irresponsible that you sell expired products knowingly.

Bye, Abby.

To brush my teeth. Well, what are you going to wear?

Scrubs. Can you show me the dimensions of your arm, Lauren?

What? Just do it.

What?

Oh!

Oh, my God!

We're going to play together!

Killed it. Nailed it.

I thought about being a dog uncle.

Coming in and out of the dog's life, all about fun and games and treats and toys.

Being a dog dad is different. It's a lot of responsibility.

That's a big choice to make for another person, huh?

You know what's also a big choice?

Killing a dog. And that's what was going to happen to her today.

But, you know, I get it. If you feel a six-figure salary isn't enough to

support a tiny dog... No, no, no, no, God, no!

Because I could take her back.

She's precious and beautiful.

I love her.

How long was the dog in the box?

Good haul.

Oh, thanks.

I don't, like, need this. It's just for, like, extra cash. Because I'm actually

an artist. Me too.

Showing in New York and London right now.

Gotcha. Wow. Yeah, I'm showing in one of the most prestigious chiropractor's

offices in the village.

Oh, can time.

Okay.

Thank you, brother.

Sure. So, got you a gift.

Oh, my God. That's an iPad.

Yes. Thank you so much.

Wait, why is it not in a box?

It's refurbished.

It is?

Yeah, it's like brand new.

Except not.

No, I mean, look, one could make the argument that if you give a gift, it

should be brand new. You know, I just gave you $400 worth of almost new iPads.

No, you're right. Thank you.

I'll just, I'll wipe it clean.

Now, you gotta get out of here because Abby's coming and I want her to think

she's the only person getting a gift today.

Is hers new?

Get out of here. Go!

Oh my god, here she is. Go, go, go, go. Hide your face.

I love money.

I'm really sorry I'm late. My train karma is at an all-time low,

as is my general karma.

I really need a job. I just need to aim low.

Like, maybe Forever 21.

Or that shitty coffee shop on Avenue A. Love that place.

Or Barnes & Noble, maybe. How many don'ts have I taken at Barnes & Noble?

Well, that's a solid list, and I got just the thing to seal the deal.

Alana, for you.

No. Are you kidding me? This is that fancy bag we saw in the window. Yep.

I've been making so much freaking cash.

and having so much fun spending it on myself. But now that I am old money, I

gotta start giving it away.

How much was it?

Was it more than the blue dress?

More than an ounce?

Stop stressing about it. Alana, is it more than my rent?

What?

I can't keep this. You have to take it back.

Absolutely not.

I seriously believe in you, Abby, and you have to dress for success. You need

to look.

How do you feel? I feel like I spent two hours this morning recycling bottles and

cans for four hours and 15 minutes.

Yeah. All right. Well, now you can feel like you were two months around your

body. Everyone is going to see how freaking hot you are today, including

you. Okay? Go get them, Tiger. I'm going to go be sent to one last sweet little

elf. All right.

Thanks, Alana. I owe you one. I'll see you later. Love you. Love you, too.

Himmels! I have a gift for my little Guatemalan coffee bean, and you'll never

guess what it is.

Jaime?

Jaime?

Himmels!

Jaime, what happened?

I got your face.

What? No!

I got your face.

Jaime, what are you saying?

We have bed bugs!

It's about the bag.

Love that bag.

Well, I've been really careful about who I'm with and where I sit. So where do

you think you got them?

Oh, that's rich.

Okay, I've been going through a dry spell ever since I got on my pee-pee. I

haven't slept with anybody for two months.

We got this from Jew lady.

Jew lady?

You, you.

Well, I'm in a relationship, so I'm safe.

Okay, then maybe we got them from Abby.

Don't you dare bring her into this.

I went too far.

Have you been using protection?

What are we even talking about now?

The master's protector.

Tell me you got a mattress protector.

Yes.

Yes. You're lying.

You are a liar.

Mattress.

Excuse me.

Hi, how may I help you?

Can I please speak to the manager?

Absolutely.

Follow me.

God, maybe I could have fucked those people before I got back together with

Lincoln. Those people were filthy.

No, I could have been more careful. I always sit on the wooden benches in the

subway platform, even though I know that they are getting hurt. I just love the

way the wood feels.

You know, it's easy to blame yourself, but it's not your fault. Bedbugs don't

discriminate. I once saw these suckers take out the Metropolitan Opera House.

What if we got rid of our clothes and our possessions?

And what if we promised to learn how to pray?

Or we can move.

No. No, no, no, no, no. You don't treat the apartment and move, and the city

finds out, you're looking at ten years to life.

Jesus Christ.

You live in New York City five years.

You got bed bugs. Well, I do have some good news.

I found the source.

This moist, dark paper right here.

That's where they first laid their eggs.

No, no.

Yeah, we're going to have to burn all this. What, booze, hookers?

I meant literally burn it.

Isn't that illegal under federal law? When it comes to bed bugs, it's illegal

not to burn infested cash.

Why couldn't we have just gotten herpes?

Then we could at least keep all her stuff and I would have just learned how

to use concealer.

I can't guarantee that I can get them out. However, I can guarantee that I

can't.

You heard me.

Yeah, so actually the flagship anthropology was in my hometown.

No disrespect, Lisa, but I probably knew about anthropology before you did. Well,

I didn't even know where the first one was.

Fun fact, there was actually a coffee shop inside.

We should bring that back.

Yeah, you should.

So you were a fitness trainer?

It's actually an amazing story.

I was a trainer, but I started at the company as a cleaner janitor at the gym.

I turned a shitty job.

into a fitty job.

Because, Lisa, I had a plan of attack and I climbed that corporate ladder.

I often see things other people don't. The gill of anticipation, you know, and

that's exactly what I did, Lisa.

That's exactly what I did.

Well, that is how you nail an interview.

I mean, I have to talk to the higher-ups, but I know you'll be a

valuable addition to the Anthro family.

Wow.

Great. Sushi Mambo. Marcel, hey, it's Alana. I can't believe I'm about to say

this, but... You have bedbugs. How'd you know? Because Brenda was using Sushi

Mambo as her own personal hussy hut.

What? Clean out your ears, other Tanya. Brenda was running a prostitution ring

out of Sushi Mambo after hours. She brought in bedbugs and who in heck knows

what else. So... We are closed for fumigation indefinitely.

Well, what about my job?

Child, I hope you put your cash in the bank and made yourself a little breath

day. Because who knows if we'll bounce back.

Well, where are you going to go?

I'm going to go wherever I can be the best father to my only son.

Well, my son.

Toodles.

This is our lives now. We have bed bugs. We are fully fucked by bed bugs. Us and

all our marks.

You have it a lot worse than I do.

It's because I'm sweeter.

What are we going to do?

I'm calling Abby.

Nice purse.

Shut up. Go.

Hey, hey, hey, vote in. Vote in. Hey, vote in, please.

Vote.

All right, draw the money. All right.

Before she gets back. All right, all right.

Okay, can you just look away for a second, please?

What for? My, my pen.

I just... My God, I'm mugging you, bitch.

Okay, okay.

Well, let me guess. Were you born in 1988?

Jesus. Good pen.

Okay, you know what? I don't usually have a gun.

Point it at me, bitch.

I have a license to carry this. You want to see my permit?

No. Do you want to see it? No. No, I didn't think so. Go to your fucking

balance now. Come on. I'm just not doing very well right now. Do it! Okay, okay.

Oh, my God. Is this a joke?

No, I'm having a rough time right now.

Let me see your savings.

I canceled it because it was costing me like six bucks a month and it wasn't

really doing me any good, so... That's your total equity?

$374?

Are you kidding me? You've got to keep more money in your bank account than

that. No, I know. What if there's an emergency?

What if the economy all of a sudden tanks? What are you going to do? I'm not

sure. Wow.

You're giving me advice. You're mugging me right now. So?

I'm proactive about my finances.

And look, you clearly are living beyond your means. Can you afford that bag?

This was a gift from a very wealthy friend.

That's too expensive for you. Give me it. Get out of my bodega, motherfucker.

Holy shit.

Oh, my gosh. Thank you so much.

Maybe you could have gotten the bag and the money. Maybe you could have

remembered my name.

That's fair.

Hey, I have a full-on bed bug. Can I come over?

Ooh, Alana, no. That's how it spreads.

Plus, if I got bed bugs from my sister, what would people think?

You are so afraid of insects.

We need to talk about that in therapy.

Yes, of course. Come home for the weekend, sweetheart. That'll be

wonderful. You know what? We'll go do nails, then baths, then maybe... Well,

Mom, I am going to need complete access to the washer and dryer because I'm

going to bring every item of clothing home that I own. And to be honest, most

of the time I'm going to be in the shower scrubbing the bed bugs from my

hair and body. You haven't been home in months and now you get bed bugs and you

want to bring them here?

No, no, no. Fuck you.

So I thought maybe we could...

Play with the puppy, watch a little movie, make some dinner. I'll give you

really rigorous head.

I'm with that.

Right after I take a shower because I have a bed bug. What? No!

Come on, Lincoln. My family's turned me away. I really need you, my boyfriend,

right now. And I just happen to be right outside your building.

Come on, Lincoln.

Sorry, Alana. I can't let you in.

I'm a dad now.

Sticky's Health is my first priority.

You named her?

Yeah, sticky.

Like sticky rice.

Sticky rice.

It's my favorite type of rice.

That's so cute. It hurts.

I'm sorry I can't help, Alana. I'll call you tomorrow.

Good luck.

Love you.

I just want to smush you and eat you up.

I'm turning into my mother.

Bodega saved lives.

Me and my family, we take that responsibility, like, really seriously.

And we have a permit. We know our Second Amendment rights.

Right. Second Amendment.

The gun won.

I mean, I was born here, but I helped my parents study for their citizenship.

Wow. So I know the Constitution like the back of my hand.

Yeah. No, me too.

I know, like, the back of, like, my foot.

Never forget it. Because I'm from Philadelphia.

Well, I'm from the suburbs of Philadelphia, but, like, it's like 40

-minute stops.

To the founding fathers.

Cracking that bell, right?

Liberty.

Ding dong.

The one I'm really looking forward to is the 26th Amendment, because then I'll

actually get to be part of the conversation, you know?

Totally. The Conversation Amendment.

Yeah.

Masuma, I'm sorry that I did not know your name. I know it now.

It was just like we passed a certain point, and then I couldn't ask, you

know? I may be a dumb white bitch, but I'm not that dumb.

And really, really, I'm not a bitch.

Hey. Alana, how did you know that I was here?

Masuma texted me.

You have her number?

Oh, yeah. We go way back.

Do you want to come inside?

I can't.

I have bed bug.

What?

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

That's not funny, dude.

Oh, my. Abby, can I come over, dude? Everyone else has turned me away.

Of course you can come over. You're my best friend.

I mean, I guess this makes me a real New Yorker now.

He had a gun. And then he's ragging on me about my balance. I'm like, you're

mugging me, bitch.

What a bitch.

I mean, that's a real garbage person.

Thanks again for having me over.

Of course.

Obviously.

And that, my friend, is how you belt it. You're a retail queen living in it.

Abby Abrams' anthro gal.

I do really have a good feeling about this.

Even though the bag was taken?

Don't. Which I'm really sorry about. I am so glad that it came in our lives for

such a brief, but the purpose it served, you know. I love that the bag was

stolen. I love it. And you don't have to get stuff so crazy. It was a lot. It was

a lot. It was like a lot of money.

$1,300.

What?

Abby, you look great.

We're so excited to have you on board. Oh, I'm so excited to be part of the

team. I mean, it's such a creative place to work. I've been looking for something

like this.

So, I know it's my first day, but I took the liberty of doing some sketches of

some potential window displays, pulled some fabric, and I think that you're

going to be extremely impressed.

You can put that on.

Okay.

Okay.

Is this like a new team look or something?

It seems a little big.

And here's your walkie. Okay.

Basically, Sunil is your go-to guy for any security questions you have. You

gonna kill it, Abby?

You look.

Welcome to the command center.

Abby, you okay?

Yeah, uh, all clear at the west door.

Do the thing.

Abby out.

You ever consider sex work?

Like, maybe like small stuff.

Hand jobs.

Would they have to see anything other than my hand?

Huh.

I would do that if it was just my hand.

Let me get back to you.

Let me get back to you.