Original subtitles

- Wake up, you old piece of shit!

- Slappy birthday! - Happy birthday.

- Guys, guys, come on, please.

Not this year, guys.

I don't want to do it this year.

All right, all right.

Fine, I'll do it, but only because

I'm already dressed, guys!

- Oh!

- Bam.

- Are you ready for the birthday booze-athon?

- Walking, walking, walking, walking.

- Well, it's your birthday, slappy birthday.

- He's looking good, but you gotta wonder if his age

is gonna be a factor in this year's Tour de Franzia.

- I gotta slap the bag! Slap the bag!

- You can do it. We all believe in you.

Very good.

- Oh, he lost his helmet.

He missed the flamingo.

- Nice, yeah. Oh.

- What is that? It's not beer.

- No, it's whiskey.

I watered it down, though.

- Okay. All right, fine.

- With beer. Here we go.

Come on. Come on.

- Oh! [laughs]

- Booze-athon, yeah.

- Come on, Dersel Hasselhoff.

Baywatch those beers, you're doing great.

- No, dude, I can't do it.

I'm starting to get hot mouth.

- Come on, they need your help.

Clock's ticking by, let's go.

- No, no.

- [laughs]

- Yeah.

Get 'em.

- Eww.

- Oh, my gosh.

Nobody's puked the pool in, like, a while.

- It's been a while.

It's been too long, actually.

- I guess we did it.

- Yeah, it's been a while.

- I'm done.

- Well, you're paying for a pool cleaner.

I mean, don't be a dick about it.

That is an entire Bagel Bite.

- He ate your Bagel Bites.

- He ate my Bagel Bites.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

[knocking on door]

- Ah, son of a bitch!

Damn it!

- [groans]

Where are you going?

- Well, this is Ders' birthday breakfast.

I got him some grapefruit, a grandpa bran muffin,

and a shot of prune juice and Jagermeister,

'cause you saw him yesterday, man.

He's an old dude. - Yeah, he's crazy old.

It's bizarre how old he is. - It's not carrot cake.

- Hmm, yuck. - No, no.

- Nah, it's no good.

- Yeah, it's for old men.

- Yeah, Ders is old.

He's like a year and a half older.

You know how many months that is?

That's like-

- Anyways, don't mention anything about him getting old

'cause it's, you know, his birthday, and just play it cool.

- I should help you carry the tray, though,

because that looks heavy, and I'm...

- No. - Definitely have a solid core.

- Okay. I see what you're doing.

You're trying to say it's from both of us; it's not.

- This is sort of from both of us, though, because...

my mom gave us this tray when my grandma died.

- Well, uh, tell your dead grandma I said thanks.

- Whoa, look who's up.

- Whoa, beef castle.

- Oh, what's up with you guys?

Who's swagging? You swagging?

- I-I think maybe. - Yeah.

- Come on, man.

- What are you listening to?

- Oh, dude, it's this new mash-up tape,

DJ Chris unchained!

Lah-dow.

- Very lah-dow- let me-

- Mm-hmm. - Let me listen.

both: Yeah.

- Like Jamiroquai mixed with Smash Mouth.

I hear it now.

- Nope! That's a chop, buddy.

- Ow, what-what was that? That was weird.

- Why are you chopping him?

- It's a chop, man.

You say or do anything stupid, and that's a chop.

We used to do it on the playground

when I was a kid, so I'm bringing it back.

- Okay, well, yeah. - Yeah, that's cool.

- Thank you for that, and thank me for this.

It's a breakfast for your birthday,

and, oh, I got you this gift to you.

- Yeah, you know what? Happy birthday.

- Well, it's-it's just from me, not Adam.

- It came on my tray, so...

- It's a golf polo. Very American Dad-iator.

- You could get married in something like that.

You could probably also get divorced in that as well.

- Yeah, or a job interview

or maybe, like, a soldier's funeral,

or I was thinking, hey, you know,

you want to be city councilman dude one day.

So maybe you could wear that, get elected.

- It's not really what the young go-hards

are wearing right now.

You know, the go-hards are wearing-

I can't wear this if I'm gonna run with the go-hards.

- Very swag.

- Maybe I'll-I'll just-

Oh, yeah. There we go.

Get this bad boy there. - Cool, yeah.

- That's much better. That is much better.

You're very strong by the way.

- Looks great, you're- - Yes.

- That was $60.

- City Councilman Dude?

How about I try and be like

city break-dancer man?

- Oh, I like that.

- ♪ Boom, city break-dancer man ♪

both: ♪ City break-dancer man ♪

- ♪ Very swag, swag, swag, swag, swag ♪

- ♪ City break-dancer man ♪

- ♪ Swag, swag, swag, swag, swag ♪

- I got this one. Adam, you got next.

- That was fun. That was my first taxi ride.

- There you go. Thank you.

- It went pretty fast. - Thanks a lot.

- Dude, what are we doing here?

We should be out drinking more.

- We should be out drinking more.

- Yes. - We're not gonna do that.

- Are we still gonna do that? - We should do that.

[horn honks]

all: Whoa.

- Look at this.

- Dude, this is swagged out. - Very swagged out.

- Hey, hey, hey, you all like this, don't you, huh?

This is Captain America type stuff right here.

I won this at the mall. I guessed its weight.

- Yo, dude, it's my birthday right now today.

Let me take this thing out for a smob.

- Pbbbbbttt!

[laughs] You out your mind?

Colleen don't even get to ride in this,

unless she's doing maintenance from the passenger seat.

And y'all know I'm talking about road-head.

- Surprisingly, I did know that.

- It's licky-licky time.

- I don't care what you guys say.

Harry and the Hendersons is legit.

- No, we said it was legit.

- Whoa, yeah, here's my birthday present

that I got you.

- Oh, dude.

- I put it in a box.

- Thanks so much, except you're lying.

I had this next-dayed last night.

- Oh, that's a chop. [laughs]

- Who wants to do a snip-it?

- I love snip-its.

- Uh, actually, we- - Wait, they're whip-its, right?

- Yeah, it's a whip-it. People call 'em snip-its now.

- What if we just, uh, ducked out into the bathroom

and got drunk like usual?

That'd be fun.

- No, we are making memories

and then destroying them.

- Okay, no. That is hippie crack, man.

Did we not all cry during that Steve-O documentary?

- Relax your mind. I'm gonna blast off.

- Oh, wow! [laughs]

We're just celebrating big Ders-dog's birthday.

- Yeah.

- [slurring] Because the Ders-dog,

and then there's everything that's happens to-

- Sorry?

- Nothing.

- Yeah, he's monkeying around again.

- Whatever.

Look, uh, there's a big surprise for you in the break room.

It-it's a birthday cake.

Anyway, I'm not going.

- Okay.

- Anders, we have a dress code.

Can you please?

- It's Craig Norman, bitch.

all: Surprise!

- Yeah.

- There he is!

How does it feel to be 25?

You gettin' up there.

[high-pitched whine]

- Ders, the secret to staying young is...

laugh a lot.

[laughs]

And...

moisturize, moisturize.

- You know, Anders,

you're the same age my parents were

when they had me.

And then they gave me away,

and then I was adopted by those horrible Koreans.

Oh, well. [I a u g h s]

[echoing laughter]

- You old, bitch!

- Der, you old as dirt!

You gettin' up there.

[laughs]

Laugh a lot.

[laughter]

- All right, okay.

Just-

- Oh.

- I know how old I am!

- Sorry.

He's on a ton of drugs right now.

He's like drugged out of his mind right now.

- Thank you. Thank you.

- No, Waymond, no, no!

No! Bad Waymond, bad!

- Ders! - Ders.

Gosh, what the heck is wrong with that guy?

- Whatever, we just gotta party through those demons.

- No, that's the last thing we need to do.

We need to slow down.

Otherwise he's gonna turn into...

"the Ders."

- That would be awesome.

I love "the Ders," and you love "the Ders."

Last time we partied with "the Ders,"

we went to Seven Mary Three.

Got us backstage.

- He head-butted a female security guard,

bum-rushed the stage,

and dedicated a song to his dad.

- Yeah, but that song was Cumbersome.

And it meant a lot to all of us at the time.

- Did it, though?

- That's my favorite dersion of Vers.

- [laughs] Whoo-whoo!

[tires screech]

All aboard to downtown Pound Town.

all: ♪ Too heavy, too light, too black or too white ♪

♪ Too wrong or too right, today or tonight ♪

♪ Cumbersome ♪

- Oh, we are so American.

This is the most American thing we could do right now.

- Whoo! - I feel like I'm in a parade.

- How cool of Montez to let you borrow his new car.

- Yeah, that's cool. - Borrow that dude's car?

Dude, I took the keys right off that fool's desk.

- Whoa.

- Ha! - Holy grand theft auto.

You're badass. That's American.

- Thank you.

Stealing cars is American. Where are we going?

- Dude, we're going straight to Pound Town.

- Yeah, baby.

- Population three, cheap import beer,

cheap export swag.

- Ah, okay.

- Exported swag, I like it.

- I know it's your birthday.

I don't want to be a wet serape,

but maybe we should go home to Chill Ville.

It's pretty cool, plus, Adam,

nobody serves beer at 10:30, so help me out.

- Yeah, a little place called Dolphin's strip club

most definitely dooze.

Um, they're not open yet. Damn it.

- No, it's fine that it's closed

because home has tons of pornography.

I know that's a fact.

And the kitchen serves beer all day.

It's gonna be fun.

- We could just go drink at a parking lot somewhere.

That's a chop, even for suggesting going home.

Consider yourself chopped. - That's a chop back.

- No, ten for contact.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10.

- Is that real? Is that part of the game?

- I've never heard that, but I like that.

- ♪ You wanna get real, whoo, then act real ♪

- ♪ We got fun and food ♪

- ♪ At Dante's ♪

- ♪ Dante's ♪ - ♪ Dante's ♪

- ♪ Pizza palace ♪

- Wow, very good.

- [laughs] All right.

- This place is awesome, man,

Where did you-where did you find out about this spot?

- Dude, my dad took me here for my 11th birthday.

He got weird drunk,

and he showed up, most importantly.

- That was the first time I got arrested at 11.

- This is really fun, guys. I'm having a great time.

I didn't think I would say this ever in my life,

but maybe we should get back to work, yeah?

Return a stolen car that's in our possession?

- Oh, boo. - I think he's joking.

Is that a joke?

- I'm puking while I'm drinking it.

- Dude, we're shutting this bitch down.

- We're partying until 8:00 "P.N.," yeah!

- Oh, yeah? You-you-yup, that's a chop.

You said P.N. - That's official.

- Oh, well, that's a chop back...

because P.N. is post noon.

Everyone knows that.

You need to go back to school, pick up some knowledge.

- So, uh, Ders,

what would it take for you to consider

maybe doing the exact opposite of shutting bitches down?

Maybe leaving this bitch, heading towards home bitch,

home sweet home bitch?

- You know what?

See that shark blimp over there?

You win me that, and I'll go home right now.

- All right, well, then one shark blimp...

chumming right up.

- Nice.

- Hey, good luck, buddy.

- Oh, oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah.

- Whoo, whoo, whoo!

- How many more times are you gonna play?

- Uh, I'm gonna play

infinity more times, little man, okay?

- All right, Ders, keep pounding that dog.

I gotta make a call, okay? - Will do.

- Dolphins. Hey, Marty, what's up?

It's D-Bone.

You might remember me as D-Train.

- Mister, it's my birthday.

- Buddy, it's my birthday too. You're not special.

Did someone tell you that you were?

'Cause you aren't.

- I'm gonna tell on you.

- You tell everybody you wanna tell.

Tell the whole world.

I'm gonna tell on you. Pbbbt!

[donkey brays]

- Ahhhh!

- Hey, man. - Ow! What?

- What you doing here, man?

Kid's trying to play and you game hogging?

- Since when is this the only game?

There's a million games. They can play other games.

- You do realize that this is a Dante's, right?

I mean, it's basically a black Chuck E. Cheese.

- Okay, I can see that. I mean, that guy's not black.

- Oh, that's Oakland Tony.

O.T.

Oh, he blacker than I am.

- Buddy, I-I'm sorry. Today is my birthday.

I'm gonna wild out and have a good time.

I got a cup full of coins,

and I'm gonna get wild with them, all right?

Sorry.

- Hey.

I got my eyes on you.

- Legitimately scary.

Too drunk to care. Whoo!

- It's illegal for you to tell me

I can't take this outside.

That's illegal.

Oh, there they are. My sweet, sweet princesses.

Welcome to my castle. Can I take your coats?

No, wow, Mama.

You better put those on.

Getting jealous.

You getting jealous, huh?

- Whose birthday?

- It feels like my birthday.

So it might as well be.

Hitch a ride on the sex bus.

Just kidding. We can't have sex here.

There's kids everywhere.

- Yeah, it's my birthday.

I figured I'd treat myself a little bit, you know.

Keep shaking it. Here we go.

Whoa. - Oh.

- Dude, is that my gift?

- Uh, yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

- Yeah, it is your- it is your birthday present.

- Whoo, hey.

- I just wanted to make sure they're not poisonous.

[growls]

No, it's good unless you're allergic to glitter, so-

- Whoa, glitter titties, for real?

I'll be right there.

- Come on, man. Let's go.

- Sorry, man, you're 46 tickets shy of the shark.

Now, you can get some vampire teeth

and some scrunchies.

- What? Okay, look.

I'm not trying to freak out on you, man.

You're just doing your job.

I've got a job too.

And I do it sometimes.

But this is an emergency, okay?

We've got a guy who is five beers away

from turning into the Ders.

This is a guy who fucked a koi fish in the mouth

until it died in front of a P.F. Chang's.

- I just count tickets, dude.

- [laughs] Yeah, I'm your bull trying to buck ya.

Trying to buck you.

- Oh, she just made her butthole wink.

- What? - It just winked at me.

- Whoa, that is too real.

- Oh, my God.

- Whoa, not a fan.

Stick to hits, please.

- Cool. - Titties up.

- Angel, hold up, buddy.

My knees are burning.

What the hell!

I need to see you outside now.

Where they go? Where they at?

- [laughs]

- Oh, I'm going to miss you.

I can't afford you for longer.

But I'm going to miss you.

- Button up.

Let's play it safe. There's kids.

There's kids. You got to respect the kids.

Someone took a sip of my beer.

I don't like that, birthday boy.

- Angel, go play with the team, okay?

- Later, dude, we changed your life.

Don't forget that. We changed your life.

- Yeah, you're going to remember that forever.

- Now, I ain't trying to fight today

because it's a beautiful occasion.

But you brought strippers, albeit some fine-ass strippers,

to a kid's pizza place.

- Dude, I'm not going to say this again.

Today is my birthday,

and I'm going to do whatever I wanna do!

[shouting]

- What was that?

- That's the Ders.

Uh, all right. Look.

I've got $19 and a one-hitter, huh?

All you gotta do is give me that shark blimp.

That's all yours.

You just need to hand me-

hand me the shark blimp.

- The Ders is unleashed, yeah.

Gather around.

There's going to be a real show over here.

- Ders, I got it. [laughs]

I got your shark blimp.

What do you say we go home and give it a whirl?

- It's no use, bud. He's unleashed.

Gotta ride this one out like a hurricane.

- No, no, we're not riding anything.

Now, Ders, let's go home.

Let's ride home.

- And you need to start acting your age, man.

What are you, 30?

- Ennnghhh, I'm 25, dickhead,

and that's a chop.

Can I have some more tokens?

- Yeah, I'll go get you some tokens.

- Hey, Ders, how you doing, man?

Come on. Talk to me.

- He's refusing to get off.

This is the saddest thing

I've ever seen, dude.

You're not a child.

Do you have any more tokens?

I wanna play Pop-A-Shot again.

I got, like, the fourth highest score on the thing.

I'm not just going to give up.

I'm not a quitter.

- You need to chill out, dude. - Okay.

- This is the worst birthday I've ever had.

- What?

Remember those strippers I got you?

That was awesome of me.

- Wait. You didn't get 'em.

I-I got 'em. You took my card.

- Yeah, that's true.

He bought them.

But I was-I made the call.

- I'm so old now.

You know, I thought maybe if I said "swag"

and jammed hard to mash-ups

and tore sleeves of cool golf shirts

that I'd feel young.

But it didn't work.

I mean, I don't even know what "swag" means.

- No one does, really.

- I just wanted to sound cool.

- Well, you didn't, really.

You kind of sound like a dork.

- Yeah.

- Hey, uh...

I crossed the line back there,

and I thought I'd try to make it right,

starting with some cake.

- No, I'm in a cutting phase right now.

I'd better not.

Unless it's chocolate. Is that chocolate?

- Uh, no, it's vanilla.

- Yeah, that'll work. Cool, thanks.

- That's for your busted-up face.

- Thank you.

- Hey, uh...

I'm sorry I knocked you on your ass back there, man.

But you said, "chop." I thought you had a knife.

I used to work in a Chinese kitchen, man,

I have seen some shit.

Anyway, moving on.

You crying 'cause you're 25?

But I'm 37.

But you know what I got?

I got meaning in my life.

You'll see. It's radical, dude.

- All right. And it's real.

- He's right, you know.

Turning 25 isn't the end.

It's-it's the beginning of something older.

- Yeah, it's definitely older.

- Yeah. - It's for sure, older.

- And, oh, but you can do a ton of cool stuff

that you couldn't do before.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Like what? - Yeah, like what?

- You can get off your parents' health insurance.

Well, they'll kick you off.

My dad sends me countdown emails.

- It's bogus. - Yeah.

- Guys, I think I know what I need to do.

But I can't do it alone.

- Hey, look, whatever you need, I'm here for you.

- No, I mean, like, I'm really hammered.

I don't even think I can get out of this ride right now.

- Okay, sir, you can have a seat.

Thank you.

All right. Statute 7-B,

let the proposed property tax override fund the...

[whistle blows]

- Ladies and gentlemen!

Please put your hands together

for the next president of Rancho Cucamonga,

Anders Holmvik.

[cheers and applause]

- Hey!

Hello.

Greetings, my fellow Rancho Cucamongans.

My name is Anders Torfin Holmvik.

I'm here to announce today

that because I am now 25 years young-

it's not old; it's young-

I'm therefore eligible to run for City Councilman Dude...

and I'm going to do it.

- Yeah. - All right.

- Whoo-hoo!

- So proud. So proud.

- Okay.

Not today like, you know, maybe down in like 2016.

I've got a... - Good year.

- Some student loans to pay off.

So get that out of the way,

and then I'm gonna be up in your grills

asking for votes, okay?

So consider this a warning.

And here's a slogan.

It's, "You can always bet on Ders."

That's my name.

- Hit 'em with it, yeah!

Male demo. Yeah!

- This is not the forum to run for city council.

- No, I know, dude.

I'm said I'm gonna run.

We gotta stickler.

I'll get him out of office ASAP.

all: Vote or die.

Vote or die. Vote or die.

Vote or die.

- Please leave. all: Vote or die.

- We need you to go.

all: Vote or die.

Vote or die.

- So I get to see you naked?

- [laughs]

- I should get to know your name-

- Hey, you guys are driving the convertible, right?

- Um... - Come on.

- Um... - You know what, Ders?

Happy birthday, bud.

Yeah, I was driving.

What's it to you?

I've gotten plenty of DUIs.

Give me another. I don't care.

I don't care, copper.

- The car's been reported stolen,

and you've been driving it drunk?

- Really? I didn't know that.

I didn't know it was reported.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, noisemaker toots]

Retail subrip by jeem.