Original subtitles

Good evening, friends.

Biffy jacket, Dan. You selling real estate?

Oh, ye of little breeding.

Behold, the family crest. An English hunting falcon grasping a spear.

Looks more like Big Bird with an arrow through his butt.

Isn't your family from the Louisiana Bayou, Dan?

That's right. Your family crest should be a possum grasping his cousin.

Actually, I bought this at a yuppie surplus store.

Why? To become a member of high society.

And how does one do that?

By basking in the glow of Manhattan moonlight.

You're going to be in the Manhattan moonlight column?

Yes. Dermot Drake is coming here tonight to interview me.

He's only interested in upper crust people, not...

Flaky crust, people.

Why would you want to be in that column?

Why?

Drake's column defines New York society.

I mean, one mention in it is a guaranteed membership in the Eastside

Athletic Club. Then, it's weekends in the Hamptons and just a short walk down

the aisle with some Buffy Blueblood.

In layman's terms, it's my ticket out of here.

If it's a one-way ticket, I'll chip in.

Ouch.

Hey, Lizette.

What's that?

Something wrong?

Well, last night I had a dream about Harry.

So? It was a very vivid dream.

I was a contessa, and Harry, my stable boy.

I watched the sinewy body stroke the flaxen mane of my favorite steed, and

then...

Harry or the horse?

Harry. What's that?

Everyone has those kinds of dreams.

So I shouldn't worry about the hay in my jammie?

You know, just because you're filling in for Max doesn't mean you have to dress

like him. I thought it'd help me assume an air of authority and confidence.

Plus, it has the combination of the filing cabinet cross-stitched on the

cuff.

Great. And while you're climbing the stepladder of success, I gotta fill in

for you.

And you know I don't like public speaking.

All right.

Uh, you know, the judge is here.

Sorry, I choked.

Hey, Mac has a sweater like that.

So has Perry Como.

You got a problem?

Now, call the first case.

Yes, sir.

People versus Nick Strombone.

The charge is assault with a deadly weapon.

Oops. What's the problem, Bull?

Hey, Your Honor, it's my first case.

Give a guy a chance.

A chance and a rake.

Sorry, ma'am.

We'll take a five while Bull straightens out this mess.

Aramis?

Drake, what a wonderful surprise.

Why the surprise? We had an appointment.

Is that Big Bird on your chest?

No, it's a possum.

Possibly a falcon.

By the way, I appreciate your help with this dreadful jury duty business.

Tosh, tosh.

I know what a hectic social calendar you have.

Folks, let's try this one more time.

Great. Have a seat.

Get a chance to see me in action.

I'll take your breath away.

People versus Kitty Metker.

Prostitution, lewd conduct, and indecent exposure.

Is this you?

Me? No.

Take her away.

Sorry, sir. It's just collating.

I just can't get the hang of it.

All right. We'll take another five. Council.

Quirk, quirk, wannabe.

Oh, Sir Dermot, is there anything I can get you before I resume bringing our

city's bottom feeders to justice?

Some fresh air, perhaps.

A tad close in here.

Oh, certainly.

Fill up, Russell.

Would you please take my friend for a walk and see that he gets some fresh

air?

Come on.

Let's go outside and see how many pigeons we can knock off with that

cologne.

Read them and weep.

One shining light at night court. Oh.

Last night I was blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, not about me, not about me,

where I met a most arresting, intelligent, and witty professional.

I can't believe you snowed him.

This is so embarrassing.

Let's read on.

A shining light in our jury justice system. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

blah. Justice for all. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Here we go.

Everyone should be as fortunate as I to encounter this officer of the court.

Rosalind Russell?

What?

From behind her bailiff's badge, Ms. Russell showed me this invisible realm

of the city where she handles defendants with firmness and compassion.

And... enlightened me with her pull-no-punches observations.

I found Ms. Russell to be a genuine breath of fresh air.

What the hell is this?

Maybe it's just a really big, really long typo.

Hey, Dad, if you're not going to use these, can I have them?

Help yourself, Ms. Suddenly Someone.

You didn't get a mention, but don't be mad at me.

One second in the limelight, and look what you've turned into.

A megla media mooch.

Hey, what is wrong with you?

Because of your spotlight stealing, I am out of the athletic club, and I've

kissed off Buffy Blueblood and the French maid I was going to hire.

I didn't steal anything from you.

Dermot didn't interview me. We only made small talk.

Small talk.

Well, here's a small word.

Betrayal.

Wait a minute. I went along with your little act. So don't make my moment in

the sun your darkest hour.

Hey, Miss Debutante, the Hamptons are the other way.

Lizette, why are you sitting over here?

You still worried about Harry in your dream?

I'm trying to put some lust-free distance between me and the Knight

Rider.

Lizette, this is silly. All Harry did in your dream was kiss you.

That was before.

Remember how I dreamt I was a Contessa and Harry my sinewy stable boy?

Well, last night, we had to escape from the evil Count. In the passion of

danger, we ripped off all our clothes and rode bareback.

to Paris, France.

After we had our sewers treated, he carried me up a staircase

into a Winnebago where it happened.

Time out.

A Winnebago? You know dreams. I went to an RV show last week.

So what happened?

It happened.

It? Oh, you mean you did it.

Yeah.

And the worst part is?

We lived happily ever after.

Winnebago's are very roomy, you know.

What's that? There's nothing abnormal about having romantic dreams.

No, you don't understand. I know this is my subconscious telling me to leave my

boyfriend Oscar, the tyrannical evil count,

Tender stable boy.

You are obviously upset about this. You have to talk directly to Harry and deal

with it.

Well, okay.

But I'll just melt if he smells like saddle soap.

All rise.

Criminal court part two is now in session.

Hey, you're in the back buttoning. The Honorable Harold T. Stone is here.

Everything in order, boo?

Hip-hop, sir.

People versus Margaret Kalekstein.

Shoplifting.

Are you Margaret?

Yes.

Kalekstein?

Sorry.

Take her away.

Reading a docket while wearing a sweater isn't as easy as it seems, sir.

Obviously, it's right up there with... quantum physics.

Apparently Mac is some brilliant scientist who's been moonlighting from

MIT just to keep on fire strength.

We will take yet another five.

Excuse me, Miss Russell.

Oh, Dermot!

I take it you got my messages?

Regrettably. And the humidor of those white owl cigars you sent.

I gave them to my doorman.

Ross. I'm so sorry to disturb you, but my friend insisted on meeting my newest

shining star.

Hello, darling. I'm Gloria Bonderhoss.

May I call you darling?

You can call me Ross.

Darling, I'm an impeccable judge of character, and I can tell by looking at

you that you have character.

And I can tell by looking at you that you are a character.

I've just had a fabulous idea.

Tonight is a regular soiree aboard my late fourth husband's yacht.

Your late fifth husband's yacht.

Oh, fifth. One of those darlings.

Anyway, Roz, we'd love for you to join us.

Well, I don't know.

A yacht. Fabulous. When do we cast off?

You can cast off now.

We'll be leaving from the 23rd Street Pier at 10 sharp.

See you tonight, darling.

Get a load of that. I mean, like they really think you want to go to their

party.

I do.

Darling.

Here it is, sir.

I finally figured out the flaw in my... collating system.

Don't get my hopes up, Bull.

I want to prove to you that Bull Shannon has the right stuff, the right file, the

right name, the right defendant.

People versus Margaret Keene.

Are you Margaret Keene?

Mrs. Keene, before we begin, I want to apologize for all the confusion. You've

been very patient with us. Now we're going to expedite matters and get you on

your way. I promise you.

Thank you, Your Honor.

My pleasure.

Bull, what's the charge?

Manslaughter.

Bull!

But it is manslaughter, sir.

Your Honor, it was bingo night at St.

Genevieve's.

The defendant attacked the bingo caller for calling B-89.

That's B-89.

Yeah. The stinking game was rigged. There's no B-89 spot on a bingo card.

So I offed him.

Well, on that lovely note, let's hold this one over for trial.

Amber? Yes, sir? You're fired.

I've got a boat to catch. Roz, before you go, there's something I've got to

say. Look, Dan, you know this is not my fault. Those people just happened to

invite me.

I know.

And I'm happy for you.

Really.

And you can't go with me?

No.

What I'm trying to say is that our friendship is more important than any

dumb old glamorous party on a fabulous yacht.

Are you sure?

Absolutely. I am at peace with this. I guess I can't have everything, or in

this case, anything.

But I don't want you to feel guilty about it.

Okay, I won't.

Bon voyage!

There.

I have done a thoroughly selfless thing.

And now I'm going to be sick to my stomach.

Excuse me, sir. Do you have a minute?

Sure. What's on your mind, Lizette?

What side of the bed do you sleep on?

It doesn't matter. I'll sleep on either side.

But I do snore. A little. And sometimes I talk in the voices of cartoon

characters.

Lizette, what the hell are you talking about?

The stable and the floor of that Winnebago.

quit my job.

Conflict of interest.

But maybe we could still save up for a house in the country.

You know, whatever it is you're talking about, why don't you just leave me out

of it?

Oh, I see.

It's all clear to me now.

Steal me from the count.

Whisk me off to Paris, France.

Have your way with me.

Then you expect me to disappear like...

I'll tell you something.

amazing night of my life.

Never been on a yacht before.

Champagne was flowing.

Music was playing.

I even danced with Rex Reed.

Stipped my cordial by the rail and watched a blanket of fog cover the

lights of Manhattan.

So beautiful.

So serene.

Until I heard the sound of a jet ski cutting through the water.

And caught a glimpse of a man in evening wear bearing down directly on us.

And then that awful thud.

And the next thing I know, the yacht's at the bottom of the river, and I'm

stuck in this lousy lifeboat.

Those jet skis are awfully hard to control.

Sunk the damn yacht, Dan.

Shh, not so loud. Remember, I'm not on the guest list.

How could you do this? What on earth possesses a man to crash a party in the

middle of the Hudson River?

Zeal?

Zeal, you.

What?

You have no idea how it killed me not being in that newspaper.

You know, I try to hide my disappointment, but I can't help it.

I am what I am.

Fielding!

What are you doing here? I know for a fact you weren't invited.

Wrong.

He's my guest.

I invited him.

You did?

You did?

Yes, she did.

Then why haven't I seen you all night?

I was overboard.

Overboard? Well, I was hanging overboard.

The escargot sort of escarwent.

Oh, darling.

Did the escargot taste odd to you, too?

I do recall Klaus mentioning something about the escargot being a bit pasty.

Oh, Klaus!

Because I'm your friend.

And it's not nice to let your friends down.

Let that be a lesson to you.

What do you mean?

I mean, if you want to drown yourself trying to use these people, that's fine.

But you tried to use me, too.

And you're right.

I'm a victim of myself. What can I say?

But I promise you this.

From now on, I'm a different guy.

So don't be mad at me, please.

If I were mad at you, would I have pulled your drowning butt out of the

river?

Thanks.

It's all right.

In a way, you saved me, too.

I was actually beginning to enjoy these people.

Darling, did I hear you say someone saved you?

I was talking about Dan.

How utterly heroic.

Dermot, You must hear this.

That darling rescued this darling from drowning.

Oh, no, no, not exactly rescue.

How fascinating.

Get to tell, Silding, this could be a compelling story for my column.

Really?

Absolutely.

Well, Roz...

was standing by the railing. When the explosion happened, she was thrown

overboard. Well, naturally, I immediately dived into the icy water and

dragged her semi-conscious body to the safety of this lifeboat. Well, I gave

her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation and pulled her from Davy Jones' locker.

Right, Roz?

Wrong.

Darling.