Original subtitles

More mail for the foundation.

That reminds me.

Gotta call a plumber and have my toilet snaked.

What's the matter, Dan? Your date wear you out last night?

No, I was up all night burning the midnight oil in the Phil Foundation.

In fact, for the last two nights, I haven't gotten any sleep at all.

Well, gee, Dan, if you're working that hard, you must be very dedicated.

Either that or there's something in it for you.

Thank you so much.

Just when I was about to ask you to be a speaker at the Tri-State Legal

Symposium. Ooh, gee, that's a big deal. You know, last year, three of the

speakers were ex-presidents.

The Phil Foundation underwrites their speaking fees. $500 to your favorite

charity. Well, gee, Dan, I'm flattered.

I've always thought of the symposium as the one true forum for meaningful legal

dialogue. Actually, we have important people speak about that stuff.

You're going to be the comic relief.

You mean I do gags?

Well, it wouldn't be the first time. I really killed him at the transit

worker's dinner dance.

Yeah, those tunnel cops think you're a regular red button.

Yeah, Dan, I'd be proud to do it, since it's for a good cause. That's a great

cause. That's why I've devoted so much selfless energy and time to it.

I smell a rat.

No, that's the special.

Sardine pot pie.

Excuse me.

Hey,

you're Bert Parks. That's right.

I'm looking for Bull Shannon.

Do I know you?

Well, it's Bert Parks. You know, Miss America.

You are Miss America?

Well, we used to host the Miss America pageants.

Oh.

I got a whole new gig now.

I'm a spokesman for Frosted Neon Nuggets Cereal.

You are?

Wow, that's impressive.

Do you remember entering the Frosted Neon Nuggets Little Tykes Golly Georama

Sweepstakes?

I sure do.

Entry number 186949.

That's right!

You won the grand prize!

Whoa!

It's your choice. Come in, come in, come in.

Let me guess, you're a neon nugget.

Hey, you gotta eat, I gotta eat.

Mr. Bull Shannon, the choice is yours.

Which prize will it be? Number one, a brand new car.

in Malibu. Number three, a trip to Paris, France.

Or, the mystery prize worth at least $200.

So did Boom get his rug yet? No, the hair merchant's coming today with the

samples. Well, they're both ready. He's out taking combing lessons.

Hey, Dan.

Hi. You okay, Dan?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just didn't sleep again last night.

Hey, man, that's three nights in a row.

Maybe it's something wrong.

I told you, it was just because of the extra work I've been doing on the Phil

Foundation. One of the speakers canceled.

Now, I have to give a speech myself.

About what?

Oh, um... No bliss oblige, giving to those who are less fortunate?

Uh-huh.

It's an address that comes from the heart. It speaks of altruism, charity,

and kindness.

Sounds lofty, Dan. It better. I paid some night school geeks 50 bucks to

write this for me.

He who gives is a lucky man, for by giving, he gets to share the joy of the

receiver.

What, did I get ripped off?

Mr. Fielding?

Yeah. The name's Hampton from the bank. I'm here regarding a check for the Phil

Foundation. Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Hi. Why don't we just go

in here and talk?

Charity never rests.

What the hell are you doing here, Hampton?

There's a problem with this check.

It's signed by you as the executor, but it's also made out to you.

That? Oh, no mistake.

I'm filling in as keynote speaker for the symposium. That's my fee. It's all

legal. A $50,000 speaking fee?

Well, that's the going rate.

I tried to get Churchill. He couldn't make it.

Churchill's dead.

But then he's out for next year, too.

Congratulations, Mr. Shannon. Your new Wimberly wig will not only change your

looks, it will change your life.

Yeah, right.

Now, you seem cynical.

Could you be hiding concerns for your own hairline?

Hey, Bob, I got no problems with my hair. So why do you wear this hat?

Just as I thought. Your hairline is receding so fast it's leaving skid

marks.

Judge Harry.

Listen, if you're gone bald, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

Of course it is. Watch this.

No!

Oh, my God, my secret's out!

Well, I think I've made my point.

So which one will it be? We have all kinds.

This is the you-need-to-comb-your-hair hair.

This is the hey, get a haircut hair.

And this is the whoa, you got a bad haircut hair.

That's not much of a selection.

Sorry, that's all I brought.

Yeah, well, it says in the deal that Bull gets to choose any toupee out of

the catalog.

Let's see the catalog.

All right.

How about this one?

The El Dorado.

Too much sideburn.

How about this one?

The Shatner Turbo 2000.

you don't want that one. How about this one? The shimp.

The Shatner Turbo 2000 is cultivated from the hair of specially selected

donors. Then each follicle is individually steamed, pressed, and hand

-woven by a team of craftsmen in Vienna.

I want one.

Mr. Shannon, the Shatner Turbo 2000 isn't for every man.

You may not be prepared for its effect.

You heard him, Wimberly. He wants the high-end hair.

All right.

I'll call Vienna tonight.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

Oh, I can't wait.

I'm gonna go shop for a glass hat.

Your Honor, Mr. Skeggs would like to plead guilty in exchange for time

served. Fine with me.

Prosecution?

I'll have the corned beef.

Okay, we're pushing midnight. Let's call it a day, huh?

Dan?

You know, this insomnia of yours is getting serious.

Maybe there's some psychological reason for it. It's a stoic signal. All I need

is sleep.

Well, then try warm milk.

Well, try taking a cold shower and popping into a warm bed.

Actually, that brings to mind another surefire sleep aid I'm surprised you

haven't thought of.

Way ahead of you.

Take two of these, I should be in a coma by 1230.

Well, Mac. Yeah?

You know, I've been working on my speech for the symposium. Uh-huh. And I was

thinking I might kick it off with a couple of saucy limericks.

Oh, I don't know, sir.

It's a pretty highbrow audience.

Yeah. Yeah.

Some of the finest judicial minds in the country.

You're right. Yeah. I'll stick to the knock-knock joke.

You're a pal.

If you were really a pal, you'd lock him in a trunk until Monday.

Darn. There's no salt.

Oh, I'll get you some.

Excuse me, sir. Can I borrow your salt?

Sure, Christine.

I just got it today.

What do you think?

It makes a big difference.

It sure does.

I like it.

Except ever since I put it on, I've had women problems.

I was actually turned on by it.

I'm going to be sick.

Please, come on, Doc. There must be something you can do.

I'm sorry, Mr. Fielding. I can't find any physical excuse for your insomnia.

Maybe it's psychological.

There's nothing wrong with my head.

I'm a respected attorney.

And the executor of the Phil Foundation.

Which, by the way, I am running in a completely legal and honorable manner.

Mr. Fielding, is your conscience bothering you?

What? Of course not.

Why would you even ask such a stupid question?

Well, it's just a theory. Often when people do something they subconsciously

know is wrong, they can't sleep until they rectify their behavior.

Yeah, well, great theory, Doc, but obviously it doesn't...

Apply in my case because I'm not, not, not, not, not, not, nothing to be

ashamed of.

Doc, listen, I have to give a speech this evening. Can't you just give me a

shot of something to get me through the next few hours?

It's absolutely out of the question.

Keeping yourself awake artificially can be dangerous. And if you don't get some

sleep soon, you're going to become increasingly disoriented, even

hallucinatory, and certain vital areas of your body may suffer permanent

damage.

Which areas?

Your heart and your brain.

My head.

Thank God for a moment I thought you said vital.

$20. Same as downtown.

You know, Matt? What? I only got one problem. What's that? I got too much

killer stuff.

Oh.

Well, sir, you can always save some of it for the encore.

Hey, Deb.

Dan, are you all right?

You never got any sleep, did you?

I'm fine.

What's the schedule?

I'm on next, and then there's dessert, and then you deliver the keynote speech.

All right.

I'll be there.

does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to turn it, and one to overturn it.

You're a beautiful crowd.

But I see my time is just about up. Thank you. Thank you, John.

Thank you very much.

We'll break now. for dessert and to catch our breath and resume with our

keynote speech.

Thank you.

Tough crowd, Mac.

Bad joke, sir.

Hey, Dan, you're up next. What's the matter with you?

It's Phil.

It's Phil.

Get a grip, man.

No, you don't understand.

He's...

He's not talking.

Say what?

Must have been one of those momentary figment things.

He's not talking, of course.

He's just a picture.

I'm real.

Dan, buddy, you gotta see a doctor. I did.

He just babbled some nonsense about my conscience and how if I didn't sleep

soon, I'd get brain damage.

What a quack.

Hurry. Would you mind not breathing fire on me?

What's up?

Well, Dan says Harry's breathing fire on him.

Oh, boy.

Oh, no, Ross!

Look at all the spiders you let in here!

I

guess

I showed them.

Whoa.

What are you staring at?

Cut him some slack. His whole family was killed by insects.

I'll take him outside so I can get some air.

Isn't he a dream?

Not only is he handsome, but he's brilliant.

H2O equals water.

Ball?

Get lost, sister. You aren't in his league.

Make it fast, Christine.

My bevy of babes awaits.

Bull, this isn't like you.

You mean this isn't like the old Bull?

Well, this is the new Bull. And he's out to stud.

Bull, I hope you're not going to let that thing make you vain.

You've forgotten you have a girlfriend, Wanda?

These women don't care about you.

You could be the biggest creep in the world, but they'd still want you just

because of the way you look.

You think so?

I know so.

Wow, I must be even hotter looking than I thought.

Ladies and gentlemen, due to unforeseeable circumstances, Mr.

Fielding will not be delivering the keynote address.

No! Sorry.

I want that speech. I want that speech.

I'm here.

He broke away.

He's the first man since high school to find my ticklish spot.

Good evening.

He who gives is a lucky man.

For by giving... Spider!

We've got to do something.

No. Let him work this out.

For by giving, he gets to share the joy.

Cher, join.

Actually, I want Cher to join.

Or was it a Joyce?

She was... I was... I was... I was strolling through the park

one day.

the Pills Foundation.

It was created to help people.

You gotta tell him the truth.

I did.

I did. No, I mean, I did.

I did.

Tell him. No, listen, no.

Tell him!

All right, all right, all right. I lied.

I cheated. I stole money from the foundation. I made a mockery of your

charity.

He's tearing me up inside.

You know, I can do this job. I need to do this job. I know.

That's why I left you in charge of the foundation.

But, boss, you gotta try a little harder.

I will.

I will. I will.

You forgive me?

I forgive you.

Sure he forgives you, Dan. We all do.

He's gone.

Come on.

Let's go home.

You're with friends. You'll be fine.

Yeah.

I know. I'll be fine.

I'll be fine.

Can I help, Dan?

Got some sleep, huh? Like a baby. I had four dreams. I was naked in every one of

them.

Nice to have you back, Dan.

We were concerned about you after your breakdown yesterday.

What breakdown?

During your speech.

Don't you remember you apologized for misusing the foundation when you begged

Phil to forgive you?

What are you talking about?

Phil's dead.

Why would I be begging his forgiveness when I didn't do anything wrong?

Hey, here you go.

What the hell am I doing?

Keep it.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, hi, Bull.

Hey, you couldn't repair that toupee, huh?

Oh, Dan didn't hurt it.

The Shatner Turbo 2000 is indestructible.

Well, then what happened to it?

Well, I thought about what you said, Christine, and I realized I've got a

great thing going with Wanda.

I didn't want to get all swell-headed and ruin the best relationship I ever

had. Good for you both.

Yeah, but, Bull, that toupee cost a lot of money. You didn't just throw it out.

No, I gave it to a needy friend.

Please, please, girls, girls, one at a time.

Thank you.