Original subtitles

I'm just saying that it's sexist

- that I can show my nipples... - Right.

...but my little sister can't show hers.

That's crazy. It's just, like, let women free the nip.

Free the nipples.

- How young is your sister? - It doesn't matter.

It's that you should just be able to do it.

- Yeah, okay. - This is America last time I checked.

- Get off me! - Okay, Bill...

- Bill, would you hold her down? - She's strong.

- Oh, my gosh, she got mean strength. - What's wrong with my brain?

I don't know. I don't know.

The devil is cursing me.

(SCREAMING)

I'll have what she's having.

Ripped By mstoll

(SINGING) I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta

Gotta be fresh

Does this look familiar?

Yeah, that's a Samoa, right?

Oh, did she go sugar mad?

That's right. That's a real thing. That happened to my aunt.

She drove her Corolla off one of the bridges in Madison County,

and in the wreckage, they found three Whatchamacallits.

Candy wrappers. Like Milky Way candy wrappers.

Okay, this is a half-eaten, giant weed cookie

that Tina found in your cubicle!

- It's... Which is stealing. - Yes.

- So you want us to fire her? 'Cause we'll do it. - Mmm-hmm. Yeah.

We are not firing the traumatized woman who is now in the hospital

because you three brought drugs to work.

Okay, she's a traumatized thief, though.

- Please, let me banish... - Identity theft...

- I want to banish someone. - That's the word. The thief part.

ADAM: She is traumatized, but she is a criminal.

You guys, I'm really sorry to have to do this,

but you have gone way too far this time.

You're all fired.

Well, it finally happened.

No, no. She can't fire us because we dem boys.

A woman ran through a glass door high on drugs, because of you three.

I have to fire you.

You know, I didn't want to do this,

because it would, you know,

- feel a little icky to do. - ADAM: Mmm-hmm.

But I'm going to have to pull out our one time only,

"You can't fire us" card, Alice.

Okay, what the hell are you talking about?

(ANDERS LAUGHS)

Alice, need we remind you how you got your job?

- (KNOCKING) - Yello.

Hey, uh, what's up, player? I'm Ice Holmvik.

I'm here for an orientation.

Oh, that's a, that's an unusual name.

What's the significance to that, Ice?

I used to swim, but then I started rhyming,

and my rhymes were so cold that the water froze.

Hence, Ice Holmvik.

Oh, that's... I love... I love rap.

I love rap, too. I'm also into hip-hop fashion.

- You know, like... - Right.

This guy, Kanye, is like, starting to really come up and change the game,

so I started a denim line. Check that.

It's called, Rawegian. I don't really have them

steady sagging right now, but usually I do.

But since I'm at work, I pull them up out of respect.

I appreciate that. I'll tell you what.

If you wear slacks tomorrow, I'll cut you some slack today.

- That's what's up. - All right, well,

orientation's in about ten minutes, conference room.

- That's what's up. - Thank you, buddy.

- That's what's up. - All right, Ice.

This is gonna be fun, buddy.

(BLAKE LAUGHING)

What the hell are you guys doing here? You're supposed to be in class.

BLAKE: You get it, bro.

It's like a financial crisis we're going through.

- Yeah. - Recession, college loans,

- the bailouts... - Bailouts, yep.

So you know, we bailed out. Barack Obama!

- You dropped out of college? - Yeah, as real bosses do.

Bill Gates, the child from Facebook.

Hey, guess what, guys. It's Steve Jobs not Steve College.

That's funny.

'Cause I'm kind of gonna be the office funny guy around here.

I feel like that's my vibe.

That's my calling. That's my truth.

Okay, so should we clock in or something?

No, we definitely shouldn't clock in, okay?

I should clock in, because this is my job

and you don't belong here.

This is where I am going to turn over a new leaf

and become the man I was supposed to be, Ice Holmvik.

I will not call you that.

I will never, ever call you Ice Holmvik.

- ANDERS: This is... Yes, you will. - Oh, Ders, check it out.

- Ice is what I'm called. - Yeah, but check it out.

ANDERS: Dude, is that... Is that Lacey Jams?

- Yes, like, 100%. That's her. - Don't look up. Don't look.

Be cool. Be cool.

Does that mean that that dude right there is...

The dude with the mole? The mole man?

If that's him, I bow to thee,

because he's got a huge sausage, right?

And she derbs it all the way up to this mole

that he's got on the base. I'm telling you.

She's not thro' yet, but she's a prospect.

She's like the Derrick Rose of deep throat, dude.

Oh, is that, like, an Internet thing?

Ugh, yuck.

Oh, Adam, you are still taking a hard stance on the Internet.

Dude, it is 2008.

Don't be 2000-late, okay?

The Internet and computers are for dweebs and nerds.

You got to get on there, dude.

It's, like, a lot of amazing porno on there.

- Yeah. - This Internet porno fade...

That's gonna... It's gonna fade away because porno stars

are on the covers of DVDs and the covers of VHS tapes.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, cool dudes.

I want all new recruits in the conference room right now.

Let's do this. Come on.

Okay, thank you, everybody.

Now, please, enjoy this fun,

little video that we put together that tells you

absolutely everything you need to know.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

ANDERS: I didn't see it. BLAKE: No, no...

- ANDERS: Didn't see it. - Hog is hidden, hidden hog.

TelAmeriCorp is a pretty rad place to work if you just stick to the rules.

- Rule number one, be on time. - Okay, we got nothing.

I think his pants are too loose.

That's a good thing. That's a good thing.

- How is it a good thing? - Because if he shakes his butt...

Then you know his dick's wagging.

- Yes, yes. - Okay, okay, I'm with you.

I got this. I got this. Yo, dude. Hey, hey.

Dude, there's like...

- There's a scorpion on your butt. - What?

BLAKE: Yes, a little, baby scorpion on your butt.

ANDERS: Yeah, on the other side. You got to shake your butt.

- BLAKE: Yeah, careful. Yep. - Shake your butt. Shake it off.

Mmm-mmm.

Harder? Shake it harder.

BLAKE: Oh, still clinging. It's really...

Hey, guys, let's please show some respect to the business world.

Thank you. Come on, guys. It's just getting to the good part.

Hello? Hold on. Hello?

Sorry, you need to hold on.

Man, I wish everybody wouldn't show up late.

- I need a break. - (LAUGHING) What?

He's good. That's good. That's funny.

(APPLAUSE)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

You know, we... We showed this at the board of directors meeting,

and the top brass was so impressed that they promoted me.

You know what? You should put this up on YouTube.

I bet it'd get mad hits.

I am not good enough for YouTube.

But thank you for saying that. Maybe one day...

- Thank you, guys. - Okay, cool.

- Hey. Montez, right? - Mm-hmm.

I'm Adam DeMamp. I am such a big fan after seeing that.

You're, like, the funniest human being I've ever seen.

Well, listen, George don't even let me be me.

He cut out this little funny look I do, like a dramatic chipmunk.

- Mmm-mmm-mmm! - (ADAM LAUGHING)

That was, like... That was unique.

That was... I've never even seen anything like that.

Well, you know, the thing is, George, he cut my joke.

And it hurt.

- (CHUCKLING) - It felt like he bit my finger.

- George bit my finger... - (WHEEZING LAUGH)

And my joke.

Hey, do you think you could be my funniness mentor?

I can definitely be your funniness mentor.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

(RAPPING) With the striped shirt and dumb soul patch

Ooh, slam.

Boy, you look like a mole rat

Mole rat, okay.

No, no, no, no. You didn't know.

Wow. We landed on mole rat.

Very cool, very funny.

- Oh, here we go. - Limo.

- It's, like, the President. - This is cool.

- Is that... - Yo.

- BLAKE: Is that Mark McGrath? - What's up, boys?

Sugar Ray just said, "What's up" to us.

- Does he work here? - That is Sugar Ray.

ANDERS: That is Sugar Ray. ADAM: Who is she?

Oh, yummy, yummy. My pee-pee is pointing at my tummy, tummy.

- Go on and get it, boy! - Oh, my gosh.

Listen, listen, listen, last night was...

It was, like, physical, right? But it was also spiritual.

Did you feel that?

Yeah, man. It was all right.

Excuse me, did you just kiss Sugar Ray?

I did a lot more than that.

Let's just say McGrath likes to Mc-munch.

(ALL LAUGHING)

- Oh! - Oh, she got snapped. She got snapped.

Oh, yeah!

I'll never forget you, Alice Murphy.

Not never, ever.

- ANDERS: She got him sprung. - Wow. Okay.

So let me guess.

You three fresh meat just sat through

Montez and George's corny-ass orientation video?

- Yeah. - ANDERS: You right, you right.

ADAM: I thought it was funny, but...

Well, you don't seem like you completely suck my pricksicle.

Follow me. I'll deprogram you.

BLAKE: Hey, uh, shouldn't we get back to work?

Mr. Burkeman said 15-minute breaks.

Yeah, like, somebody might trick on us. I don't know.

Look, when you crush the phones as hard as I do,

you make the schedule.

- Yo, Jillian! - JILLIAN: Hey.

Wait a minute. Hang on. Damn door.

Hey, A-Train, you looking to smoke a J?

- Smoke a J. - Oh, I got what you need.

Calling it "That Blue Magic," from that new show Breaking Bad.

- Have you guys seen it? - Oh, sweet.

Oh, I watched the entire season through a window at Circuit City.

ADAM: That dude from Malcolm in the Middle.

- I love that show. - Yeah.

Oh, God, here comes this fucking nerd.

- What's up? - (COUGHING)

- Yeah. - Here, Jillian, deal with this.

ANDERS: What's wrong with George, though?

- I mean, he seems straight. - Oh, I don't know.

Uh, I got braces on the company's insurance,

and then that dick canceled everybody's plans.

So now my teeth are fixed, but I can't afford to get my braces off, so...

Oh, that sucks.

Jillian, what are you doing?

- I'm smoking it down. What? - ALICE: No, get rid of it. He is right there.

Oh, God, where do I put it?

Someone, hide it. Here, I got it.

Oh! Oh, oh, it burns!

- It burns, it burns, it burns! - Shh.

Hey, guys, break's over.

So why don't we get in there and attack the phones?

- (ALL LAUGH AWKWARDLY) - T.A.C.

All right, well, I'll see you guys in the pit.

- All right. Argh! - Whoo! Whoo!

ALICE: Bye, George.

Ugh, I cannot take him anymore.

Why? He seems actually like a really reasonable guy.

Well, he's not, okay?

He won't even hire me 'cause I'm a convicted felon.

I was pissing next to a school. Next to.

ALICE: It doesn't matter.

I'm quitting next week to be a waitress at Mimi's Cafe.

What?

Anyway, we should fuck before I leave.

- Wait. What? - Yeah, uh...

No doubt. Yeah, that'd be cool.

- Smooth, dude. - Yes, that was smooth.

- It's the suit, man. - Yeah, it's looking good.

Got them going, dude.

That suit will get a girl about it, about it.

That's no doubt about it, man. Whoo!

Sucks that she's quitting 'cause of George.

Well, what if, uh, George didn't work here?

JILLIAN: Hey, you want to hang out?

Uh, nah, we should probably head inside.

- Sorry. - I wasn't talking to you.

I was talking to Larry the Cable Ferret.

Hey, yo, George. You in here, man?

You got a... You got a second?

Yeah, I'll be out in about ten minutes, guys.

Uh, yo, uh...

How would you like to get promoted again?

That's great. Listen, let's talk when I get out of here, please.

Look, this is what we were thinking.

We were thinking maybe you make another hilarious video, okay?

But this time, we post it on YouTube.

Maybe make a channel for the company.

It goes viral. The bosses see it.

And all of a sudden, now you're a big boss.

- Yep. - That is a great idea, guys.

Thank you. Let's talk about...

So it's kind of like a parody of viral videos,

but we set it in the office.

Okay, I'm interested.

ANDERS: Then good. You should watch these videos.

- Yeah, I'll talk to you when I get out. - No, no. Here's what it's gonna be.

Why don't you just watch some of these videos we could mash up?

And let's see, we'll do, uh,

Mini Mall Man, okay?

- (FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING) - It's pretty funny.

(SINGING) Living rooms, bedrooms

Dinettes Oh, yeah, you can find 'em

Hey, Adam, that guy has your suit on.

I've never seen that video or any... Really, hardly any video,

but I doubt it's the same.

Yeah. Oh, yeah, actually, watch the "Charlie Bit Me" one.

That one's, like, my favorite.

Oh, it's right here, right here.

- Oh, yeah, this one's hilarious. - Ha, ha, Charlie.

Charlie bit me.

That's funny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, all right.

Classic.

Montez said, like, this exact same thing to me earlier today.

Yeah, he probably said it from the video.

He was saying like it was his original stuff.

I mean, he has original stuff.

He does this, like, dramatic chipmunk.

It's like a chipmunk that's...

- He looks over his shoulder. - Hold that thought.

ADAM: It's like, that's funny.

'Cause when you put, like, a personality on an animal...

- (DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING) - Oh, my God.

- Yeah, that's got... - Montez is a liar.

Thirty-nine million hits.

- He's a freakin' sham. - Okay.

I'm the wow. See, that's funny.

- ShamWow, right? - You guys are annoying.

But you showed me a lot of initiative today.

And to be honest, I wouldn't mind having another outlet

for some of my better impersonations, like the Governator.

(IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER) I'll be back, as soon as I go to my budget meeting.

(ALL LAUGH)

Get to the chopper to make a budget meeting.

Wow. Save it for the screen, though, man.

- Save it for the screen. - Hey, real quick.

Can we fire Montez real quick? Real quick?

Okay, and this crazy Monday wake up and meet.

Does it have to be the early morning?

- Mmm... - Can it just be morning?

Well, I mean, it can just be morning, yeah.

Maybe on the day, yeah, after I come...

Hey, Bill, my man?

I got some jeans for you. Rawegian, that's my brand.

And put them on for the video. Keep them if you like them.

BILL: Okay.

Rawegian is in the building.

And that was the skinny cut, right?

- That's what's up. - Outline city, here we come.

(CLEARS THROAT) Adam?

Um, hot comedy tip.

Try to do random stuff.

Do random things. Like cutting me out of the script

when I'm the office funnyman.

Okay, well, the reason we cut you out the script...

- Mmm-hmm. - ...is because you are a bitch.

Oh, I'm a bitch, huh?

Yes. Who steals his comedy from the Internet.

Isn't that what y'all are doing right now?

No, no, what we're doing, it's a mash up.

Look, you need me in this video if you want to get hits.

Do you want to get hits?

I want to hit you in the mouth.

Oh, I wish you would hit me in the mouth.

Okay, Montez, what's rule number one?

No yelling in the office!

Number two, do not scream, bitches!

And number three, no violence!

- George, this is our thing. - This is their thing.

Yup.

And I got to sit you on the bench for this one.

- I'm the funnyman. - One time, okay?

- All right. - I know it's scary.

- I know it's scary. - You scary.

- I don't feel safe with him. - Yeah, don't worry about it.

- Who cares? Come on. - We... We should fire him.

- I don't feel safe. - GEORGE: No, we can't fire him.

- And then who would work here? - Your jeans are too tight.

Do I have to wear them? I can't even...

Hey, that's how Rawegian jeans fit.

I mean, they look good to me.

Yeah. Oh, hey, actually, Ders, buddy... Ice.

Yes, could you help him with the wardrobe?

I just want to make sure that...

Yeah, just got to...

God, I can't even walk.

You got that? Here, let me get the...

BLAKE: Where is that rewind button?

I'm looking for the rewind button right now.

ANDERS: Okay, you see the rewind right now?

BLAKE: You know, I thought I did but it was just fabric.

Okay, well, maybe...

What the hell's going on with you guys?

You want to see my junk? ls that it?

Whoa, whoa! No, no, no, no, no, no.

BILL: You want to see it? You want to see it?

You want to see it? You want to...

Nah.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(RAPPING) Crazy Monday, wake up in the early morn'

Check on Ice to see what he's doing

- Hello - What up, Ice?

Yo, boss man, what's cracking?

You thinking what I'm thinking?

- Coffee time! - Coffee time! Man, it's happening

Blake's on the phone

I'll bet that he's crushing

If he sticks to the script, he'll make a lot of money

Phones will ring

Would you like to buy a microwave?

Phones will ring

Please, have a very nice day

It's a Monday. What? At TelAmeriCorp

We love Mondays. What? At TelAmeriCorp

'Cause Mondays rule at TelAmeriCorp

- Adam? - Adam?

ADAM: Blenders, vacuums, steak knives

We sell them at TelAmeriCorp

You can find them at TelAmeriCorp

It's just like, it's just like a mini mall

This is awesome, man. Now, all we got to do is, like,

kind of tag it with buzzwords so people, like, know where to find it.

Tags. Those are the thing on the end?

- Little words... - Yep, okay. Uh-huh. Boobs, butts, cats...

Yes, that will get plenty of eyes.

But I think maybe we should let Montez do it.

- He's web savvy. - ADAM: Nope, he's a human walrus.

I will do it, okay? I'm, like...

I'm becoming an Internet guy.

After watching all these videos, I'm getting...

I'm getting in the, the Internet now.

- Okay. - I'll up... You upload it or download it?

I'll put it in. I'll inject it into the Internet.

All right, everybody, before we get started,

I want to introduce a very special guest who's joining us today.

Ms. Lydia Hunt, our amazing regional manager.

Great to be here, guys.

Before we get started, I got to give a shout-out

to the geniuses that put this presentation together.

Get up and say something, please.

- Don't mind if I do. - Thank you.

Hey, thank you. What an introduction, huh?

Y'all know me as Ice.

I guess I'll start off by saying when we even approached the idea

of doing a response video to "Lazy Sunday,"

we knew we had to recognize those who came before us.

- That's right. - Lazy Monday, Lazy Mondsy.

- Mm-hmm, right. - And that's about it, really.

- Yeah, that was it. - We couldn't have done it

without you guys or the help of Red Bull.

True that, true that.

Which got us laser-focused and kept us awake our entire lunch break

- for once, right? - For real.

Maybe we should just get it started. I'm excited.

- Okay. Awesome. - Okay, cool.

Ready, and roll 'em.

How do my boobs look today? Do they look saggy?

That's Lacey Jams.

MAN: You look fine, baby.

That's the mole man.

Now we're gonna play my favorite game.

Suck-a-mole.

Whoa! No, no! Okay, that's the wrong...

That's the wrong video.

You're the mole man.

You're fucking my wife? I'm gonna kill you!

Bill, sit down. George, outside, now.

Okay, I'd like to say goodbye to...

Okay. All right, goodbye.

- Go. - Goodbye.

Goodbye, George. This is for you, my man.

Okay, everybody.

George is no longer with the company. Yes, Bill?

My penis mole is just as big as his.

Why don't you take the rest of the day off, Bill, okay?

It's a tough one. (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

(CLEARS THROAT) Now, where is Alice Murphy?

- Yo, what's up? - Ooh...

Ha! There you are.

As you know, we like to promote from within,

and we've been tracking your progress and love your sales numbers.

We'd like to make you the new branch manager.

I don't know. That sounds like a lot of bullshit.

Okay. Well, it is 72k a year, plus full health and dental.

Did you say dental?

This is just fun.

Like, having a job is just fun, you know?

We have these spinny chairs.

I get to put up these photos of me flexing all over the place.

It's like no one's gonna stop me.

BLAKE: Right. ADAM: You know?

- (CLEARS THROAT) - ADAM: Uh-oh, here she is.

How 'bout me and you go find a dark corner

to have some of that sex that you won't shut up about?

Yeah, that's not gonna happen, 'cause you are the help,

and I'm middle management now.

I am done screwing around.

And if you three jacknards don't start dressing the part,

you're out of here. Do you hear that, do'rag?

BLAKE: Okay. No, no, no, I get it.

First day as the boss, you know. Tensions are a little high.

Speaking of high, why don't we go outside, smoke a joint?

Anyone caught doing drugs in the office will be fired.

And starting immediately, there'll be random drug tests.

I'm excited. What kind of drugs are we testing?

(LAUGHING) Oh! Oh-ho-ho.

Oh, dude, I give you my blessing

to continue saying that as the office funny guy.

And I give you my blessing to get the fuck back on the phones.

Yo, A-Train, I couldn't find any Kashi GoLeans,

so I made you a bagel.

Yeah, my name is Alice, and this is not what I wanted.

I wanted Kashi GoLean.

Well, that was a fun stroll down memory lane, guys.

- It really was. - Yeah.

But I'm sorry. You're still fired.

Do you remember when you had sex with Ders on this desk?

(MOANING)

I do.

I'll see you guys at work tomorrow.

ANDERS: Yeah, yeah! It's on the other side.

You got to shake... You got to shake your butt.

- Keep shaking. Keep shaking. - BLAKE: Yeah.

Nope. Mmm-mmm. Nope. He must be wearing the tighty whities.

ANDERS: Shake harder. BLAKE: Maybe he taped it to his leg.

- His pants are too messed up. - ANDERS: You got to shake it.

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