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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,210 --> 00:00:02,678 ADAM: Oh, milk it, Dersy. BLAKE: There you go. 2 00:00:02,753 --> 00:00:05,848 - Oh! Milk the mother teat. - (LAUGHTER) 3 00:00:05,923 --> 00:00:08,017 - (COUGHING) - Man, it is hella cool 4 00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,014 when, like, the moon is out during the day. 5 00:00:10,093 --> 00:00:12,187 ADAM: Like, how does that even work? BLAKE AND ANDERS: I don't know. 6 00:00:12,262 --> 00:00:14,606 When you think about it, the stars are still there, 7 00:00:14,681 --> 00:00:17,104 and, like, they just keep going, you know? 8 00:00:17,184 --> 00:00:20,188 They go on for, like, forever, like... Forever ever. 9 00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:21,863 - Forever ever? - Yeah. 10 00:00:21,939 --> 00:00:24,943 I mean, it's like Joe Rogan says, "We're just talking monkeys 11 00:00:25,025 --> 00:00:27,869 "on an organic spaceship flying through the universe." 12 00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:29,322 And also, his thoughts on, like, 13 00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:31,577 if a girl won't suck upon your balls, 14 00:00:31,657 --> 00:00:33,705 - you guys aren't meant to be together. - Smart. 15 00:00:33,784 --> 00:00:35,036 It's funny, 'cause it's true. 16 00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:36,210 Well, you heard how he said, like, 17 00:00:36,286 --> 00:00:40,132 "Imagination is the force behind our evolution." 18 00:00:40,207 --> 00:00:41,880 And I think he's... He's right. 19 00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,803 When I was a kid, my imagination was ridiculousness. 20 00:00:44,878 --> 00:00:47,051 Like, I was always coming up with stuff. 21 00:00:47,130 --> 00:00:49,383 Think of all the different paths you could have taken in your life. 22 00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:50,558 I could have tooken so many paths. 23 00:00:50,634 --> 00:00:52,227 I could have been, like, a trombone player, 24 00:00:52,302 --> 00:00:53,929 in, like, "Nah Orleans," just blowing my bone! 25 00:00:54,012 --> 00:00:56,891 Or I could have been, like, a cop, but, like, a dirty one, you know? 26 00:00:56,974 --> 00:00:59,568 - Sounds like a normal cop. - Or like a porno star, right? 27 00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:01,236 But not just like a regular porno dude. 28 00:01:01,311 --> 00:01:05,236 Like a star, dude. Like, "Oh, here comes Adam with his big hog 29 00:01:05,315 --> 00:01:06,783 - "all greased up." - (LAUGHING) 30 00:01:06,858 --> 00:01:08,701 That I feel is a real calling that I missed. 31 00:01:08,777 --> 00:01:09,949 I'd watch you bone. 32 00:01:10,028 --> 00:01:11,575 - I definitely would. - Thank you. Thank you. 33 00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:13,282 But you know what, you don't even have to sweat that, man, 34 00:01:13,365 --> 00:01:14,617 because, really, when you think about it, 35 00:01:14,700 --> 00:01:17,579 life doesn't even really get good until you're, like, 70. 36 00:01:17,661 --> 00:01:18,662 - You know? - Yeah. 37 00:01:18,745 --> 00:01:20,122 Like being an old dude is awesome, 38 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:23,926 like, just not having to do anything but, like, sit around, watch cartoons, 39 00:01:24,001 --> 00:01:26,925 and smoke the herb, bro. That's gonna be tight. 40 00:01:27,004 --> 00:01:29,006 (COUGHING) Isn't that what you do already? 41 00:01:29,798 --> 00:01:30,799 Yeah. Yeah. 42 00:01:31,008 --> 00:01:33,056 Yeah, but when you're 70, your dick won't work. 43 00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:35,604 - You can't star in pornos. - Dude, they got medicine for that. 44 00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:38,683 - Yeah. Dicks work forever now. - Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Big Dipper! 45 00:01:39,308 --> 00:01:41,731 This is my year! 2015, baby! 46 00:01:41,810 --> 00:01:43,062 2015! Whoo! 47 00:01:43,145 --> 00:01:45,147 - Oh, it's just that guy... - Yeah, it's the guy across the street. 48 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:46,823 You don't even need the telescope for that. 49 00:01:46,898 --> 00:01:48,275 Whoo! Starting defense! 50 00:01:48,358 --> 00:01:50,452 Place at the table, baby! Whoo! 51 00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:54,600 Ripped By mstoll 52 00:01:54,615 --> 00:01:55,992 (SINGING) I'm fresh 53 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,248 You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta 54 00:01:59,328 --> 00:02:00,454 Gotta be fresh 55 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:04,716 - (CLATTERING) - Whoa, dude. 56 00:02:04,791 --> 00:02:06,213 (SNICKERING) 57 00:02:06,543 --> 00:02:07,669 Okay. 58 00:02:08,003 --> 00:02:09,095 - Uh... - I didn't mean to do that. 59 00:02:09,171 --> 00:02:10,764 - Hey, thanks for the smoothies. - Yeah. 60 00:02:10,839 --> 00:02:12,512 - Honestly... - Smooth move, operator. 61 00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:17,062 ...it's NBD because I do generous stuff like buy smoothies for my bros quite often. 62 00:02:17,387 --> 00:02:20,140 Yeah, no, you don't. Actually, I think you've stolen from us a couple times. 63 00:02:20,223 --> 00:02:21,224 Bunch of times. 64 00:02:21,350 --> 00:02:24,399 I would consider myself the Robin Hood of the crew. I'll say that. 65 00:02:24,478 --> 00:02:25,695 Plus... 66 00:02:26,229 --> 00:02:29,529 In order to be happy, you have to make others happy, 67 00:02:29,608 --> 00:02:31,030 and that's a Joe Rogan quote. 68 00:02:31,109 --> 00:02:32,281 - Mmm-hmm. - ANDERS: That reminds me 69 00:02:32,361 --> 00:02:33,658 of one of my favorite Roganisms. 70 00:02:33,737 --> 00:02:36,240 - Um... - And I know what it is, and I'm gonna stop ya. 71 00:02:36,323 --> 00:02:39,623 It's, uh, "If a girl can lift weights with her pussy, 72 00:02:39,701 --> 00:02:42,580 (LAUGHS) "she's gotta be an unstoppable freak." Am I right? 73 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:45,086 - That's a good one, but no. It's actually... - ADAM: Uh... 74 00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,509 "If you get cancer from a cell phone, 75 00:02:48,210 --> 00:02:49,507 "you're a pussy!" 76 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,760 Also good. But, no, I was... It's that, "Robin Hood can suck it." 77 00:02:53,423 --> 00:02:54,640 Which I thought was pretty funny, 78 00:02:54,716 --> 00:02:56,889 and you were talking about it and... What's on your leg? 79 00:02:56,968 --> 00:02:59,437 (CHUCKLING) Huh? Oh, my... 80 00:02:59,554 --> 00:03:00,555 Hi. 81 00:03:00,639 --> 00:03:02,812 Hundreds, and in different colors and sizes. 82 00:03:03,225 --> 00:03:05,023 BLAKE: Hey, Alice, so... 83 00:03:05,185 --> 00:03:07,654 We found this kid, and he didn't have, like, a leash, 84 00:03:07,729 --> 00:03:10,232 and we don't know, like, the last time he's been let out to poop, 85 00:03:10,315 --> 00:03:11,567 so we don't know where he came from. 86 00:03:11,650 --> 00:03:13,618 ADAM: I mean, we have a guess as to whose it is. 87 00:03:13,694 --> 00:03:16,038 I lost my virginity when I was 17 years old, 88 00:03:16,113 --> 00:03:20,539 and I'm not proud of that. I should have been at least 14 or 15, but... 89 00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:24,087 I mean, I think the math works out that this could be my child. 90 00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:25,543 - He's mine. - Oh. 91 00:03:25,622 --> 00:03:27,795 You leave this kid alone for five goddamn seconds, 92 00:03:27,874 --> 00:03:29,296 he gets into all kinds of trouble. 93 00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:31,549 - (ALL CHUCKLING) - Yeah. God damn it. 94 00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:33,346 Uh, guys, this is Mr. Gainey. 95 00:03:33,422 --> 00:03:35,174 He's from Stock Surplus. 96 00:03:35,257 --> 00:03:37,931 He's here to buy up all those old mirrors that you couldn't sell. 97 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,349 - Remember those? - It's tough to sell mirrors over the phone. 98 00:03:40,429 --> 00:03:43,558 Well, this is his son Josh, who Jillian is supposed to be watching. 99 00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:46,109 - Jillian! - What's up? I'm just hanging outwith Josh. 100 00:03:48,019 --> 00:03:50,613 Hey, Josh! Why'd you disappear, huh? 101 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,066 Don't you want to play with the worms? 102 00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:54,572 Huh? Come on, the worms are our friends. 103 00:03:54,818 --> 00:03:57,116 This is Carla, and that's her ex-husband, Roddy... 104 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,748 I don't want to play with her. She sucks! 105 00:03:59,823 --> 00:04:02,121 - Hey! Hey! Watch your mouth! - (GIGGLING) 106 00:04:02,200 --> 00:04:03,622 Okay? We don't use the "S" word. 107 00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:05,670 Jeff lets me say it at Mom's house. 108 00:04:05,746 --> 00:04:08,044 DAVE: Jeff is an idiot tennis instructor. 109 00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,838 And does this look like your mom's house? 110 00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:12,761 - I wanna play with them! - ANDERS: Ow! 111 00:04:12,836 --> 00:04:14,429 - Oh, yeah. - DAVE: Do you mind? 112 00:04:14,504 --> 00:04:16,927 He's just gonna whine and whine until he gets his way. 113 00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:18,350 Kinda like his mother in that way. 114 00:04:18,717 --> 00:04:23,473 Yeah, look, um, I just think it's probably a better idea if he stays with Jillian. 115 00:04:23,555 --> 00:04:24,556 Yes. 116 00:04:24,681 --> 00:04:26,934 No. Alice, it's mine. I get to keep it. 117 00:04:27,017 --> 00:04:28,894 What? Why? Why can't we watch him? 118 00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,775 - Because... - Well, because we're dumb. 119 00:04:30,854 --> 00:04:33,232 And we're irresponsible and we're idiots and we're stupid. 120 00:04:33,315 --> 00:04:35,363 Yeah. Yeah, that's exactly right, Adam. Thanks. 121 00:04:35,609 --> 00:04:37,361 Hang on a second. Uh... I'm sorry. 122 00:04:37,444 --> 00:04:39,538 I think we can handle one little dude. 123 00:04:40,322 --> 00:04:43,417 - Right? I mean, uh, when I was a lifeguard, I... - (ALICE EXHALES) 124 00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:46,336 Well, unfortunately, that's probably not the best example. 125 00:04:46,411 --> 00:04:47,412 JOSH: I wanna go with them. 126 00:04:47,496 --> 00:04:48,463 - ANDERS: Yes! - I like them. 127 00:04:48,538 --> 00:04:50,540 - ANDERS: Yeah! - Um, would it be okay? 128 00:04:51,625 --> 00:04:53,548 Yeah, sure. That's fine. 129 00:04:53,752 --> 00:04:54,753 Perfect! 130 00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:57,180 JILLIAN: Alice, check this one out. 131 00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:58,381 He's quiet and little. 132 00:04:58,507 --> 00:05:00,259 I named him Waymond Wormano. 133 00:05:00,592 --> 00:05:01,889 Cute, get it, 'cause... No! 134 00:05:02,177 --> 00:05:03,144 - Waymond! - I like kids. 135 00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,221 ANDERS: Yeah. 136 00:05:05,722 --> 00:05:07,565 What the... My Strawberry Surf Rider! 137 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,564 ADAM: No! Don't drink the floor smoothie! 138 00:05:09,643 --> 00:05:10,860 Don't! Get up, get up, get up, get up. 139 00:05:11,061 --> 00:05:12,984 You've been Bill Cosby'd. You've been Bill Cosby'd. 140 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:14,155 I Bill Cosby'd myself. 141 00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:16,529 But instead of, like, a date rape drug, 142 00:05:16,608 --> 00:05:19,657 it's, like... (WHISPERING) I put peyote in the smoothies. 143 00:05:20,403 --> 00:05:21,780 What? Why? 144 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:24,749 I was trying to get on, like, a spiritual level, like... 145 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,578 Like when we were on the roof, you know, talking about, like, cool... 146 00:05:27,661 --> 00:05:29,584 Like cool stuff about imagination and stuff. 147 00:05:30,247 --> 00:05:31,590 (SOFTLY) You... Peyote? At work? 148 00:05:31,665 --> 00:05:32,666 - Yeah! - ADAM: Yeah, well, 149 00:05:32,749 --> 00:05:34,342 as Joseph Rogan said, 150 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,795 he took, like, peyote before an MMA class 151 00:05:36,878 --> 00:05:37,970 and he said, "It was the bomb diggity." 152 00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:40,390 Do not make up Joe Rogan quotes. That is not okay! 153 00:05:40,465 --> 00:05:42,217 No, I'm paraphrasing, okay? 154 00:05:42,300 --> 00:05:44,598 Why did you Joe Rogan us? Why couldn't you just Seth Rogen us? 155 00:05:44,761 --> 00:05:45,978 - Yeah! We could have just... - Yeah. Yeah. 156 00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:48,148 - ...smoked a bunch of weed. - Right. (LAUGHING) 157 00:05:48,223 --> 00:05:49,566 Babysat the kid. 158 00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:51,018 We Seth Rogen ourselves all the time. 159 00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:52,648 This is different. I was trying to Joe Rogan us. 160 00:05:52,978 --> 00:05:55,026 - (WHISPERING) Where's the kid? - (PHONE RINGING) 161 00:05:55,105 --> 00:05:57,153 - Kid? Kid! - Where's the kid? Kid! 162 00:05:57,649 --> 00:05:58,650 Who remembers his name? 163 00:05:58,733 --> 00:06:00,701 Uh... It's Jash, like the YouTube channel. 164 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,697 - Wait, um... - Mmm-mmm, mmm-mmm. 165 00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:05,327 You guys, I'm starting to feel weird. 166 00:06:07,200 --> 00:06:08,292 There he is! 167 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,334 Whoa! What's happening? 168 00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:12,790 It's kicking in. 169 00:06:12,873 --> 00:06:15,126 - Here it comes. - VOICES: (ECHOING) Peyote! 170 00:06:15,208 --> 00:06:16,551 (ALL SHOUTING) 171 00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:18,761 (SCREAMING) 172 00:06:18,837 --> 00:06:19,884 What? 173 00:06:19,963 --> 00:06:21,180 Oh, God! 174 00:06:21,298 --> 00:06:22,971 - Whoa! - Just... 175 00:06:23,049 --> 00:06:25,051 We gotta go, we gotta go, we gotta go! Go! 176 00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:26,724 (EERIE MUSIC PLAYING) 177 00:06:27,387 --> 00:06:28,639 (ALL GRUNTING) 178 00:06:31,182 --> 00:06:32,900 What's happening? 179 00:06:32,976 --> 00:06:34,353 BOTH: Whoa! 180 00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:36,650 - (ALL SHOUTING) - Oh, God! 181 00:06:36,730 --> 00:06:37,731 I'm okay! 182 00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:39,407 BLAKE: Okay, are you all right? 183 00:06:39,482 --> 00:06:41,655 (SHOUTING) It's a black hole! 184 00:06:42,152 --> 00:06:44,701 - (SHOUTING) - No! No! 185 00:06:46,990 --> 00:06:49,459 - Oh, God. Come on! Come on! - Okay! 186 00:06:49,534 --> 00:06:51,207 Wait, wait, no, no! I'm not ready! 187 00:06:51,995 --> 00:06:53,338 (GRUNTING) 188 00:06:53,622 --> 00:06:55,750 (ALL GROANING) 189 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,379 ADAM: It's pretty normal now! 190 00:07:02,756 --> 00:07:03,803 (SHOUTING) 191 00:07:05,675 --> 00:07:06,676 There he is. 192 00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,058 Hey! You can’t just run off like that, okay? 193 00:07:09,137 --> 00:07:10,730 You can get killed running down that hallway. 194 00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:13,308 I'm bored. I want us to all color together! 195 00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:15,435 Uh... 196 00:07:15,810 --> 00:07:17,187 BLAKE: Hey, it's almost lunchtime. 197 00:07:17,520 --> 00:07:20,694 We gotta get out of here now, man, go somewhere quiet where we can be alone. 198 00:07:21,441 --> 00:07:24,035 I know just the place where no one goes-. 199 00:07:24,527 --> 00:07:26,029 - The office gym. - Good call. 200 00:07:26,696 --> 00:07:29,119 We'll put this little dude on the elliptical, tucker him out, 201 00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:30,997 and then we'll just wait for the peyote to wear off. 202 00:07:31,076 --> 00:07:33,454 - Okay. - Someone make a copy of my coloring book 203 00:07:33,536 --> 00:07:34,913 so we can all color together. 204 00:07:34,996 --> 00:07:36,919 - Okay, yeah, we'll do that. First... - JOSH: Hey! 205 00:07:37,207 --> 00:07:38,208 Listen to me! 206 00:07:38,291 --> 00:07:40,259 (FOOTSTEPS ECHOING) 207 00:07:41,002 --> 00:07:42,003 Oh, my God. 208 00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:49,394 (ECHOING) I said I want us to color together... Now! 209 00:07:49,552 --> 00:07:51,975 - Yeah, yeah, whatever you want, man. - If you want to color, we'll color. 210 00:07:52,055 --> 00:07:54,399 Okay, Adam, go make some copies of the coloring book, 211 00:07:54,474 --> 00:07:57,227 and, Blake, go find some markers and pens, right? 212 00:07:57,936 --> 00:08:01,986 And since I'm the tallest, I guess I'll take the giant to the gym. 213 00:08:02,107 --> 00:08:03,233 (SCREAMING) 214 00:08:03,566 --> 00:08:04,943 - Okay. - Okay. 215 00:08:12,784 --> 00:08:15,287 We're here and, uh, why don't you just... 216 00:08:15,870 --> 00:08:18,419 Play in that corner or something until Blake and Adam get back, okay? 217 00:08:18,623 --> 00:08:20,296 But I wanna play a game. 218 00:08:20,375 --> 00:08:22,252 I wanna play hide and go seek! 219 00:08:22,335 --> 00:08:24,429 Uh, that's too bad, because games are for children, 220 00:08:24,504 --> 00:08:25,596 and I'm a grownup. 221 00:08:25,755 --> 00:08:27,598 Let's play zookeeper. 222 00:08:27,799 --> 00:08:30,393 I'm the zookeeper, and you're a bird. 223 00:08:30,719 --> 00:08:33,017 I'm not a bird. I'm a man, okay? 224 00:08:33,096 --> 00:08:35,269 And just don't turn into a giant again, please. 225 00:08:35,390 --> 00:08:38,439 Then why do you have wings, ya bird? 226 00:08:38,768 --> 00:08:39,985 I don't have... 227 00:08:40,979 --> 00:08:41,980 Oh, my God. 228 00:08:44,107 --> 00:08:45,404 What the hell? 229 00:08:46,568 --> 00:08:47,740 - (CRACKING) - (ANDERS GROANS) 230 00:08:48,403 --> 00:08:49,575 (SQUAWKING) 231 00:08:49,654 --> 00:08:50,951 (LAUGHING) 232 00:08:51,406 --> 00:08:53,955 I'm a bird? I'm a bird? 233 00:08:54,284 --> 00:08:56,207 I'm a... (SQUAWKING) 234 00:08:56,286 --> 00:08:57,913 Fly, Mr. Bird, fly! 235 00:08:58,246 --> 00:09:00,590 On, my God! (SQUAWKING) 236 00:09:00,957 --> 00:09:02,630 I'm flying! Look at me, Mr. Zookeeper! 237 00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:05,424 (SQUAWKING) 238 00:09:08,131 --> 00:09:09,383 Excuse me. 239 00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,560 Hey, somebody missing their grandma? 240 00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:12,635 Hey, lady, that's my desk. 241 00:09:14,888 --> 00:09:16,515 (WHEEZY BREATHING) 242 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,142 Ah! (LAUGHING) 243 00:09:20,310 --> 00:09:21,687 I'm messing with you! 244 00:09:21,978 --> 00:09:23,480 (DISTORTED VOICE) It's a joke, you bitch! 245 00:09:24,272 --> 00:09:25,489 Whoa... 246 00:09:26,149 --> 00:09:27,150 You're old me. 247 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,990 Yes! Hello! 248 00:09:29,110 --> 00:09:30,737 - Sick, dude! Wow. - It's me. 249 00:09:30,820 --> 00:09:33,323 I'm... The hair looks... Sick. 250 00:09:33,615 --> 00:09:34,662 Oh, my God, thank you. 251 00:09:35,033 --> 00:09:36,660 It's like cobwebs. It's awesome. 252 00:09:36,743 --> 00:09:38,837 - Yeah. Chicks dig it. - That is very cool. 253 00:09:38,912 --> 00:09:40,459 Hey, what's the deal with the chick thing? 254 00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,165 Are we getting laid a lot or... 255 00:09:42,582 --> 00:09:45,005 - Do we have a wife? - Oh, hell no! Oh, no. 256 00:09:45,085 --> 00:09:46,883 Me and that ho-bag Jillian, we got a divorce 257 00:09:46,961 --> 00:09:49,180 when I caught her chorging Bill in the parking lot. 258 00:09:49,631 --> 00:09:52,635 What? Wow... Ugh, man, I'm sorry about that. 259 00:09:53,009 --> 00:09:54,511 Best thing that ever happened to me! 260 00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:57,598 Now I go to the potluck/orgy every week. 261 00:09:57,680 --> 00:09:59,853 Lot of chicks. Some dudes, too. 262 00:10:00,016 --> 00:10:01,188 I don't care. 263 00:10:01,267 --> 00:10:02,814 We're so old, it doesn't matter. 264 00:10:02,894 --> 00:10:05,022 You know, play it where it lies. 265 00:10:05,188 --> 00:10:06,531 (STUTTERS) That's... That's gross! 266 00:10:06,689 --> 00:10:08,282 It's not gross. It's love. 267 00:10:08,399 --> 00:10:10,242 Why do you work here? Why don't you just quit? 268 00:10:10,318 --> 00:10:12,116 Because it rules, dude. What are you talking about? 269 00:10:12,195 --> 00:10:14,414 All I do all day is watch cartoons and... 270 00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:16,366 Well, smoke weed. 271 00:10:16,866 --> 00:10:17,833 Yeah! 272 00:10:17,909 --> 00:10:21,163 Actually, I don't have to hide it. I smoke it right in daylight. 273 00:10:21,538 --> 00:10:23,540 Wait... You can do that? 274 00:10:23,790 --> 00:10:26,589 You kidding me? I can smoke it. I grow it too. 275 00:10:33,007 --> 00:10:35,260 Yeah, fuck Karl. I don't need him. 276 00:10:35,343 --> 00:10:36,390 (EXHALES LOUDLY) 277 00:10:39,764 --> 00:10:41,311 (CHATTERING ON POLICE RADIO) 278 00:10:43,017 --> 00:10:44,815 (STAMMERING) You're... And I'm... 279 00:10:45,728 --> 00:10:48,197 Sergeant Adam DeMamp, RCPD. 280 00:10:48,565 --> 00:10:49,908 You're a dirty cop. 281 00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:54,280 Hey, uh, what do you say we get outta here, go shake down some small business owners? 282 00:10:54,362 --> 00:10:55,363 Huh? 283 00:10:56,531 --> 00:10:57,874 You can use my gun. 284 00:10:58,908 --> 00:11:00,660 I would love to threaten someone. 285 00:11:00,743 --> 00:11:02,120 I know that about you. 286 00:11:04,038 --> 00:11:05,085 But I ain't no pig. 287 00:11:05,331 --> 00:11:06,332 No. 288 00:11:10,795 --> 00:11:13,218 I hope somebody ordered sausage! 289 00:11:13,298 --> 00:11:15,096 - (CHUCKLING) - I know you, man. 290 00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,518 I know this path. 291 00:11:16,593 --> 00:11:18,266 I'm so glad I didn't become you. 292 00:11:18,386 --> 00:11:19,979 (CHUCKLES) Yeah, right. 293 00:11:22,056 --> 00:11:23,433 Oh, my God! 294 00:11:23,850 --> 00:11:24,942 Your dick is huge. 295 00:11:25,018 --> 00:11:27,271 If I would have delivered pizzas, my dick would have been huge. 296 00:11:27,478 --> 00:11:31,654 What's up? My name's Adam "The Human Jump Rope" DeMamp. 297 00:11:31,941 --> 00:11:34,035 I'm an adult film star. 298 00:11:34,611 --> 00:11:36,784 Peep this! (CHORTLING) 299 00:11:37,113 --> 00:11:38,114 Oh! 300 00:11:38,281 --> 00:11:40,079 Oh! It's still coming! 301 00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:41,952 Oh, it's catching the cardboard. 302 00:11:43,119 --> 00:11:44,496 Mine's out on the first pull. 303 00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:46,877 I don't even need to pull. I actually... I flick mine out. 304 00:11:48,249 --> 00:11:49,626 (CHORTLING) 305 00:11:50,585 --> 00:11:51,711 Whoo! 306 00:11:51,794 --> 00:11:54,343 Michael Keaton should be eatin' a bat, 307 00:11:54,422 --> 00:11:55,969 'cause I'm the real birdman! 308 00:11:56,049 --> 00:11:57,426 (TRILLING) 309 00:11:58,218 --> 00:11:59,310 You're a zoo bird! 310 00:11:59,385 --> 00:12:02,480 And it's time for you to go back in your cage! 311 00:12:02,889 --> 00:12:05,733 What? No, but I feel so free up here! 312 00:12:05,975 --> 00:12:09,354 I'm the zookeeper, and I said get back in your cage. 313 00:12:09,604 --> 00:12:11,402 But you said I could fly! You said I could be free! 314 00:12:11,481 --> 00:12:12,778 (SQUAWKING) 315 00:12:12,899 --> 00:12:14,993 - You belong to the zoo! - Oh! 316 00:12:16,694 --> 00:12:17,866 (SCREAMS) 317 00:12:18,446 --> 00:12:19,413 (JOSH LAUGHING) 318 00:12:19,489 --> 00:12:21,617 (DISTORTED VOICE) Freakin' bird brains! 319 00:12:22,909 --> 00:12:24,582 (TROMBONE PLAYING) 320 00:12:27,413 --> 00:12:29,290 And there's a dude right there, isn't there? 321 00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:33,337 Yeah, Trombone Adam, you are good! 322 00:12:33,878 --> 00:12:35,380 Do you know any Matchbox Twenty? 323 00:12:35,505 --> 00:12:37,178 That's not my bag. 324 00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:39,051 I dig jazz. 325 00:12:39,884 --> 00:12:41,306 You still play? 326 00:12:41,511 --> 00:12:43,889 I don't, actually. I stopped in the eighth grade. 327 00:12:44,222 --> 00:12:46,941 I was gettin' pretty serious into masturbating at the time, so... 328 00:12:47,141 --> 00:12:48,438 Understandable. 329 00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:51,613 I guess I only had time for one bone in my life. 330 00:12:52,021 --> 00:12:55,400 How about you play my bone, baby? (LAUGHING) 331 00:12:56,234 --> 00:12:59,704 Okay, yeah. I'll toot your bone. (LAUGHING) 332 00:13:00,238 --> 00:13:01,285 Come with me... 333 00:13:01,864 --> 00:13:02,956 (MUSIC PLAYING) 334 00:13:03,032 --> 00:13:04,875 To New Orleans. 335 00:13:05,952 --> 00:13:07,920 Play with me and the boys. 336 00:13:07,996 --> 00:13:12,718 I tell ya what. You make some serious bread! 337 00:13:13,293 --> 00:13:14,636 You guys make bread too? 338 00:13:14,961 --> 00:13:16,338 You a fucking idiot. 339 00:13:16,713 --> 00:13:18,511 - (BLOWING) - Hey! 340 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,635 Are you done? 341 00:13:22,010 --> 00:13:24,308 (LAUGHING) Yes. lam done, I... 342 00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:25,434 Oh, man. 343 00:13:28,766 --> 00:13:30,564 Ooh, baby! 344 00:13:31,227 --> 00:13:32,945 I can do whatever I want, man. 345 00:13:33,021 --> 00:13:35,149 I got dirt on everybody. 346 00:13:35,231 --> 00:13:37,734 Old, wrinkly, tight butthole is what you are. 347 00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:38,989 Here. Take a rip. 348 00:13:40,737 --> 00:13:41,738 Wow, man. 349 00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,657 I'm so proud of you. 350 00:13:44,240 --> 00:13:46,083 You got it all figured out, man! 351 00:13:46,159 --> 00:13:48,002 - I do. - That's what I'm talking about! 352 00:13:48,077 --> 00:13:49,329 So, like... 353 00:13:49,829 --> 00:13:52,127 Like... Like what's the secret? 354 00:13:52,248 --> 00:13:56,503 Well, it all started when Joe Rogan became President of the... 355 00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:57,587 (GAGGING) 356 00:13:58,296 --> 00:13:59,639 (SCREAMS) 357 00:14:00,298 --> 00:14:01,424 What are you... What are you doing? 358 00:14:01,758 --> 00:14:03,886 That thing was about to burn your face off. 359 00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,477 Oh... 360 00:14:08,014 --> 00:14:10,392 And if you ever let my wife chorg you, 361 00:14:10,475 --> 00:14:13,354 I'll have your head on a stick! 362 00:14:16,647 --> 00:14:18,024 Hey, what's chorg? 363 00:14:18,107 --> 00:14:19,108 Google it. 364 00:14:27,075 --> 00:14:28,452 (ANDERS SQUAWKING) 365 00:14:28,534 --> 00:14:30,127 - Let me out of this cage! - ADAM: Anders! 366 00:14:30,203 --> 00:14:31,204 Anders, stop it! 367 00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:35,212 Hi. I was a bird. 368 00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,589 There was a zookeeper. He shot me, and he put me in this cage. 369 00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:39,090 - ADAM: Just shut up right now! - Wait a minute! 370 00:14:39,170 --> 00:14:41,639 (STAMMERING) Where's the kid? Where's, uh, Jash? 371 00:14:41,714 --> 00:14:43,682 The kid, he went to his office. 372 00:14:43,758 --> 00:14:45,431 That door. Which is a closet. 373 00:14:45,927 --> 00:14:47,395 Hey, how is it going? 374 00:14:47,595 --> 00:14:48,812 Is everything okay with the kid? 375 00:14:49,597 --> 00:14:51,395 - (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) Yeah. It's great. - Yeah. 376 00:14:51,474 --> 00:14:53,192 This kid is so full of energy. 377 00:14:53,267 --> 00:14:56,111 - It's like, makes me feel young again. - ANDERS: Yeah. 378 00:14:56,187 --> 00:14:58,315 - Oh, kids. Oh, man. - (CHUCKLING) 379 00:14:58,398 --> 00:15:00,526 They are so much fun when they're that age. 380 00:15:00,608 --> 00:15:02,485 - Yeah. - When they're... 381 00:15:03,361 --> 00:15:04,453 - Four? - No. 382 00:15:04,529 --> 00:15:06,873 Yeah, he's eight. So where the hell is he? 383 00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,578 Uh, he's... 384 00:15:09,492 --> 00:15:10,539 - He's hiding. - Yeah. 385 00:15:10,618 --> 00:15:11,585 - He's... Shh. - ADAM: Mmm-hmm. 386 00:15:11,661 --> 00:15:14,414 We're playing hide and seek, and he's in that closet, so everything's... 387 00:15:14,997 --> 00:15:19,594 That door goes out to the parking lot, you lunatics! Go find him! 388 00:15:19,836 --> 00:15:21,008 - Is it time? - Seek time! 389 00:15:21,087 --> 00:15:22,339 - It's seek time! - We be seekin'! 390 00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,594 ADAM: It's seek time right now! 391 00:15:23,673 --> 00:15:24,765 Seekin' in the weekend. 392 00:15:24,841 --> 00:15:26,058 I got it, I got it. 393 00:15:28,845 --> 00:15:29,971 (LAUGHING NERVOUSLY) 394 00:15:30,054 --> 00:15:31,055 ANDERS: Just grab it, man. 395 00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,731 It's too fast, Alice. 396 00:15:36,185 --> 00:15:38,904 DAVE: Alice, are we going to your office? 397 00:15:39,188 --> 00:15:40,861 Uh, yep, I'll be right there, Dave. 398 00:15:42,608 --> 00:15:43,985 BLAKE: I got it! I got it! 399 00:15:44,068 --> 00:15:46,162 (LAUGHING) I got it, it's... The door, see? 400 00:15:46,237 --> 00:15:48,786 I have it, then we're gonna go walk outside of it. 401 00:15:49,365 --> 00:15:51,788 (DISTORTED VOICE) Get him now! 402 00:15:53,744 --> 00:15:55,462 Gosh! Okay. 403 00:15:57,748 --> 00:15:58,874 Whoa! 404 00:16:02,044 --> 00:16:04,422 ANDERS: There he is. BLAKE: Okay, uh, yeah. 405 00:16:04,505 --> 00:16:06,553 I guess we should try to jump over to that island? 406 00:16:06,883 --> 00:16:08,851 ADAM: No way, it's too far. We're not gonna make it. 407 00:16:08,926 --> 00:16:10,303 Let's just go back, okay? 408 00:16:10,386 --> 00:16:11,512 - Good call, man. - Good call. 409 00:16:12,722 --> 00:16:15,817 Son of a back door's gone! The back door's gone! 410 00:16:15,892 --> 00:16:17,769 - Yep. - Oh, I'm having a bad trip. 411 00:16:18,144 --> 00:16:20,067 Guys, we can at least try and make this jump, right? 412 00:16:20,146 --> 00:16:21,318 Yeah. Heck, yeah. We got this, dude. 413 00:16:21,397 --> 00:16:23,820 - Psych up. Psych up, bro, we got this! - What? 414 00:16:23,900 --> 00:16:27,120 On three, on three! One, two, three! I'm going! 415 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:28,538 (SHOUTING) 416 00:16:29,405 --> 00:16:30,748 - (SCREAMING) - Oh, my God. 417 00:16:30,823 --> 00:16:32,917 - The lava! The lava! - My legs! 418 00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,915 Hey! Get off that! 419 00:16:35,036 --> 00:16:37,539 - Oh, shoot. - Well, hey, we're tripping on peyote, 420 00:16:37,622 --> 00:16:38,999 - so what can you do, you know? - Yeah. 421 00:16:39,290 --> 00:16:40,542 Get the fuck out of my cement. 422 00:16:40,917 --> 00:16:42,385 - You got it, you got it. - Yep. Okay. 423 00:16:42,460 --> 00:16:43,928 Hey, hey, hey, over there. Come on. 424 00:16:44,003 --> 00:16:45,300 - Let's go, let's go! - ADAM: There's the kid. 425 00:16:45,379 --> 00:16:46,756 ANDERS: Careful. MAN: Hey! 426 00:16:49,091 --> 00:16:50,138 ANDERS: Ow! 427 00:16:50,384 --> 00:16:51,806 BLAKE: Josh! 428 00:16:52,845 --> 00:16:54,472 ANDERS: Come on! Josh? BLAKE: Jash! 429 00:16:54,722 --> 00:16:56,724 - Jash? - All right, son, playtime's over. 430 00:16:56,807 --> 00:16:58,400 Come on out, okay? 431 00:16:58,476 --> 00:17:00,570 - (SCREECHY VOICE) Come on! Come on! - Jash? 432 00:17:00,937 --> 00:17:02,029 BLAKE: Hey, there he is! 433 00:17:04,065 --> 00:17:05,362 (JOSH GIGGLES) 434 00:17:05,441 --> 00:17:06,442 (VOICE ECHOING) 435 00:17:07,109 --> 00:17:09,362 - Okay, I'll go this way. - I'm gonna get this one. 436 00:17:09,445 --> 00:17:10,446 BLAKE: Yeah. All right, I got him. 437 00:17:10,988 --> 00:17:12,456 (DISTORTED FALSETTO) Hey, Adam, I'm over here. 438 00:17:13,574 --> 00:17:14,791 Got you, dude! 439 00:17:14,867 --> 00:17:16,744 - You stupid! - (CHORTLING) 440 00:17:17,119 --> 00:17:20,339 Have you guys seen Jash? He's like this little kid I'm looking for. 441 00:17:20,414 --> 00:17:22,337 He's like nine or twelve. 442 00:17:22,625 --> 00:17:25,549 Hey, how 'bout you quit chasing around little kids, come with me? 443 00:17:26,003 --> 00:17:28,927 We'll eat some, uh, Chicago deep-dish pizza! 444 00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:32,719 - That sounds good. - It's like God jizzed in your mouth. 445 00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,804 - What? You wanna be God, dude? - I can't, I can't. 446 00:17:34,887 --> 00:17:37,640 Freakin' bone a bunch of chicks on camera 447 00:17:37,723 --> 00:17:41,227 and have a million dudes beat off to you, bro! 448 00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:42,311 I don't think so! 449 00:17:42,395 --> 00:17:45,194 That does sound awesome. The first part. The second part, I'm... 450 00:17:45,940 --> 00:17:47,066 The second part's cool. 451 00:17:47,149 --> 00:17:48,992 You wanna be worshipped, Adam? 452 00:17:49,485 --> 00:17:52,705 Come play jazz fest with me tonight. 453 00:17:52,989 --> 00:17:55,117 That sounds... That sounds cool, but I'm... I am busy. 454 00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:56,200 I love crawfish, though. 455 00:17:56,450 --> 00:17:58,498 Josh? Josh, where are you? 456 00:17:58,703 --> 00:18:00,455 - Oh! - Hey, hey. 457 00:18:00,538 --> 00:18:01,881 It's all good. Come here. 458 00:18:01,956 --> 00:18:03,754 Hey, what's up, old me? 459 00:18:04,917 --> 00:18:06,510 Have you seen that little dude run by? 460 00:18:06,586 --> 00:18:07,712 I'm getting kinda worried about him. 461 00:18:08,004 --> 00:18:11,099 Hey, Ders will handle it, man. Quit being a bitch. 462 00:18:11,173 --> 00:18:13,221 Don't you wanna know what it's all about, huh? 463 00:18:14,635 --> 00:18:15,682 Josh, where are you? 464 00:18:15,761 --> 00:18:16,762 (SQUAWKING) 465 00:18:16,846 --> 00:18:18,314 Hey, come fly with me. 466 00:18:18,389 --> 00:18:20,391 No, no, I can't. I gotta find Josh. 467 00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:22,021 No, forget that. Let's go fly, man. 468 00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:24,479 We'll go to the beach. We'll, like, crap on people's heads 469 00:18:24,562 --> 00:18:26,360 and steal chicks' bikinis! (SQUAWKING) 470 00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:28,324 That actually sounds kind of awesome. 471 00:18:28,524 --> 00:18:29,946 It's very satisfying. 472 00:18:30,109 --> 00:18:32,407 Come on, I wanna tell you what it's all about, man. 473 00:18:32,486 --> 00:18:34,204 Hell, yeah. Hell... 474 00:18:34,280 --> 00:18:35,827 No! No, no, no, no. 475 00:18:36,198 --> 00:18:37,290 - No, stop! Shut up! - Come on! 476 00:18:37,366 --> 00:18:39,460 Don't be a bitch. Smoke a doobie with me. 477 00:18:39,535 --> 00:18:42,209 That sounds awesome, okay? But I can't! 478 00:18:42,288 --> 00:18:43,289 You little pussy! 479 00:18:43,372 --> 00:18:44,794 I already know what the meaning of life is about. 480 00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:46,091 The meaning of life is... 481 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,552 Why don't you go wash your pussy, pussy? 482 00:18:48,711 --> 00:18:52,636 Is finding that kid right now, 'cause, yeah, I don't wanna prove Alice right again, man-. 483 00:18:52,715 --> 00:18:54,763 I'm not an irresponsible idiot, okay? 484 00:18:54,842 --> 00:18:58,267 What? Responsible? Okay! Suck my balls, all right? 485 00:18:58,346 --> 00:18:59,973 - Come with me, bro! - Come on, my brother. 486 00:19:00,056 --> 00:19:02,855 - Come on, dude. - Don't make me! 487 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,653 I may be an irresponsible idiot, 488 00:19:05,770 --> 00:19:07,738 and I'm definitely an idiot, 489 00:19:07,813 --> 00:19:09,235 but I'm not about to show that to Alice. 490 00:19:09,315 --> 00:19:11,238 I do... I disagree with that. 491 00:19:11,317 --> 00:19:13,115 Guys, I know what we have to do! 492 00:19:13,944 --> 00:19:15,196 We gotta break the mirrors. 493 00:19:15,905 --> 00:19:18,203 Dude, do not break the mirror. 494 00:19:18,699 --> 00:19:20,952 - Be prepared to be broken! - ALL: No! 495 00:19:21,035 --> 00:19:22,036 Stop it! 496 00:19:22,119 --> 00:19:24,087 Don't, bro! I mean it, bro! 497 00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:25,840 Look what I found. 498 00:19:25,915 --> 00:19:28,759 - Don't make me come after you! - No! But watch it, bro! 499 00:19:30,044 --> 00:19:31,341 - (SQUAWKING) Don't break me! - ANDERS: Sorry, boys. 500 00:19:31,420 --> 00:19:32,763 You gotta fly solo on this one, 501 00:19:32,838 --> 00:19:34,681 - because... - Don't break me! (SQUAWKING) 502 00:19:34,757 --> 00:19:35,804 Do not break me! 503 00:19:35,883 --> 00:19:37,430 You have no power over me. (ECHOING) 504 00:19:38,302 --> 00:19:39,599 - Don't! - (YELLS) 505 00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:41,806 Hey, no! 506 00:19:41,889 --> 00:19:43,106 Oh, no, bro! 507 00:19:43,933 --> 00:19:45,185 TROMBONE ADAM: Oh, no, baby. 508 00:19:45,267 --> 00:19:46,268 (SCREAMING) 509 00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:47,854 (SHOUTING) 510 00:19:48,270 --> 00:19:49,613 (SCREAMING) 511 00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:52,487 Yes! 512 00:19:53,109 --> 00:19:54,736 I'm gonna need back-up! 513 00:19:55,152 --> 00:19:56,449 (INDISTINCT TALKING) 514 00:20:02,702 --> 00:20:04,830 - Get ready to be impressed. - Whoo! 515 00:20:04,912 --> 00:20:06,459 'Cause you are gonna love... 516 00:20:06,539 --> 00:20:07,791 DAVE: Oh. 517 00:20:08,457 --> 00:20:09,629 BLAKE: Hey! Hola! 518 00:20:10,042 --> 00:20:11,294 What up? 519 00:20:11,419 --> 00:20:16,175 Uh, what the hell happened to all these mirrors that I just sold to Mr. Gainey 520 00:20:16,257 --> 00:20:17,725 for a huge sale? 521 00:20:18,008 --> 00:20:19,385 DAVE: Oh, my God. 522 00:20:19,885 --> 00:20:21,228 Where's that little monster? 523 00:20:22,096 --> 00:20:23,143 Did he cause this? 524 00:20:24,056 --> 00:20:25,399 - Well, you know... - Uh... 525 00:20:25,474 --> 00:20:27,021 We were playing hide and go seek, 526 00:20:27,101 --> 00:20:29,103 and, you know, Josh was running around and, uh... 527 00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:31,780 - We were all running around... - Everybody was running. It was seek time... 528 00:20:31,856 --> 00:20:33,028 I didn't do this. 529 00:20:33,107 --> 00:20:34,108 I'm not talking to you. 530 00:20:34,817 --> 00:20:36,490 Look at this! God! 531 00:20:36,861 --> 00:20:37,953 Alice... 532 00:20:38,571 --> 00:20:40,665 I'm really sorry about these mirrors, okay? 533 00:20:41,699 --> 00:20:42,825 I'm gonna pay for all of them. 534 00:20:43,117 --> 00:20:44,118 Oh... 535 00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:46,754 I'm sorry this had to happen. 536 00:20:46,829 --> 00:20:49,548 Yeah, well, not as sorry as he's gonna be. 537 00:20:49,623 --> 00:20:51,591 - This trip is dark, dude. - (CHUCKLING) 538 00:20:51,667 --> 00:20:52,714 DAVE: Good for nothing! 539 00:20:53,502 --> 00:20:55,425 (NARRATOR READING) 540 00:20:55,838 --> 00:20:56,885 MAN: Hit bongs! 541 00:21:02,344 --> 00:21:04,346 Gotta really cook it, you know? 542 00:21:04,889 --> 00:21:07,517 Gotta make sure it's nice and crispy. 543 00:21:07,850 --> 00:21:09,443 Other than that, 544 00:21:09,894 --> 00:21:11,612 make sure the turkey's done. 545 00:21:11,687 --> 00:21:13,234 Know what I mean? 546 00:21:13,314 --> 00:21:16,534 Don't wanna serve Thanksgiving dinner without the stuffing. 547 00:21:19,500 --> 00:21:27,500 Ripped By mstoll 40285

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