Original subtitles

Uh-Oh. Oh, Oh.

Jordan!

Oh, nice block!

Get out of my house, Caesar.

More like a studio apartment, really, but...

Okay. Okay, okay.

Get ready for the Patrick Kane of the roller game.

Yeah, right, more like Joe Nut Sakic.

Whoa. Make it. Take it.

That doesn't count. That doesn't count.

- What are you doing? - Fast break, going for it, baby.

- Fast break to what? - DeMamp off DeMamp.

- Fast break to what? - Oh, he's picking up speed.

Ow!

Oh!

(SQUEALING)

I hurted my dick.

Ripped By mstoll

(SINGING) I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta

Gotta be fresh

Dude, no one can score on me. I'm a fricking brick wall.

Seriously, you are, but you bit it pretty hard out there. You okay?

Dude, no one could score on me. I'm a fricking brick wall.

- Yeah, you just said that. - Yeah.

Really? Oh, you know what?

I might have another concussion.

Stacks on stacks, right? Beer me.

Hello, hello, everybody.

Get ready to hit 88 miles an hour,

'cause '80s movie trivia is about to begin!

The table with the most correct answers wins the grand prize.

I bet it's a Casio keyboard.

- Oh. - That'd be good.

Ders, you know a lot about, like, stupid '80s movies, right?

- 'Cause you're so old? - Yes, I do know my '80s flicks like whoa,

so consider that grand prize "on lock dizzle."

Ders, we are your best friends.

Never, ever say "lock dizzle" ever again.

All right, here we go. First question.

In this 1986 action film,

wrestler-turned-actor Jesse Ventura "ain't got time to bleed."

(BELL DINGS)

Predator. And it was '87,

you plaid shirt wearing fucking idiot.

"That's not a knife," that's our reigning champs

with the first correct answer. Next question.

In what 1983 film, starring Tom Cruise

and Joey "Pants" Pantoliano...

(BELL DINGS)

Risky Business.

- HOST: Correct. - Yes! Yes!

- Suck our dicks! - (BLAKE LAUGHING)

Sorry. Two for two.

- HOST: Next question. - ('80S MUSIC PLAYING)

- (BELL DINGS) - John Hughes. John Hughes.

John Cusack.

Joan Cusack.

Corey... Feldman?

- (BELL DINGS) - "Aloha, Mr. Hand."

- (BELL DINGS) - Joseph Yoshinobu Takagi.

(BELL DINGS)

The Triple Lindy.

A Chinese girl with green eyes.

Critters. Spores, molds, and fungus?

"Freeze, you diseased rhinoceros pizzle."

HOST: All right, that is it. Game over.

- ADAM: Yes! Whoo! - Our reigning champs

have been dethroned by...

Shut up. Shut up real quick. What's the grand prize?

The board game that inspired the classic '80s movie, Clue.

- Oh, hell yeah, dude, sweet. - Clue. Dude, dope.

Clue, a board game. We don't need a fricking clue!

You need a clue, man!

Where's the Casio keyboard? Where is it?

Okay.

Whole thing's a fricking...

It's a scam. It's a scam, and I refuse to be scammed.

Adam's out.

Shouldn't have those on in here.

Ders, it's fricking raining, okay?

Can you go get the car? I refuse to be dampened.

- I'm not gonna... - Hey.

Nice work.

How about we, uh, take this to the streets?

Okay. What, street names

or, like, construction and engineering questions?

Doesn't matter to me. My uncle works for Caltrans.

I got a leg up.

I'm talking about street racing.

Yeah, no, I knew. Also, I get the whole Better Off Dead reference.

Funny, but can you not turn off the whole '80s thing?

I'd like you to just go click off.

And I want you to take that and go click on and keep it on,

and even turn up the volume on it.

- But I just... - I want you to turn up the volume

because we are having a trivia night at our house tomorrow,

and the grand prize, it's gonna be grand.

What's the grand prize?

The grand prize is...

A Predator statue.

ADAM: Yep, it's a Predator statue,

and you better come correct. Bring your A-game

with a $20 buy-in, because my boy Ders...

- Hey. - He ain't playin'.

- What? - (LAUGHS) What?

- He is playing- - Okay.

But he ain't playin', you know what I mean?

All right. See you tomorrow.

"Neo maxi zoom dweebie."

(CHUCKLES) Breakfast Club.

Nice.

- I knew that. - Really good. "Clever girl."

- That was good. - I hate you.

Jurassic Park, that's a movie too.

Hey, Adam. What are you doing?

Oh, Anders. Click, click, click.

Is there anything fricking in there?

We charge them to play trivia.

We say we bought the statue, but we don't,

and since you're such an '80s nerd, we win.

We're scammers.

- Yeah. - Dude, no one scores on me.

I'm like a fricking brick wall.

Hey. guys, urn...

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father. Prepare to die.

- Pretty good. - We're doing, like, a Princess Bride thing.

Here's your Westley costume.

I got bad news. I got to go to the office,

so, you're gonna have do Inigo

and the "inconceivable" guy without me.

Well, it's "inconceivable" that you don't realize

that I'm Andre the Giant from Princess Bride.

- BLAKE: Yeah. Come on. - Obviously.

And secondly...

I am mad at you for some reason, that I just forgot.

What is the reason?

Alice just emailed me and she's like,

"You got to come into the office, stretch,"

and I'm like, "Me, her, in the office alone?

"That's a recipe for getting a lot of work done."

So, I'm gonna go in and help her.

- Sorry. - That sounds wrong.

Anders, where are you going?

- We got a scam, dude. - Anders!

Okay, well, we are screwed dudes.

ANDERS: What the hell?

(LAUGHS) Cool, right?

It's Falkor the Luck Dragon.

Yeah, we were gonna do NeverEnding Story,

but then we couldn't decide on who's gonna be Atreyu

or who's gonna be Bastian, so we went with Princess Bride.

BLAKE: We did, which sucks, because it's so obvious

I'm Atreyu, you know? He has long hair. I have long hair.

He doesn't understand. He's not part of the track.

How can I be Bastian, Blake, when I can barely read?

Hey, guys, my car looks insane!

I can't believe you pulled this off, to be honest, first and foremost.

- Thank you. - Adderall.

- Tons of it. - Yeah.

This is from our couch.

Yeah, it's the inside of the couch, a lot of that.

I can't drive a car like this today.

Or any day.

Never mind, just...

- What are you doing? - I have to go.

- Why aren't you happy? - Okay, we have work to do.

ADAM: Sorry, we have a scam to scheme.

- (CAR HONKS) - Okay, very '80s of you

to be the responsible nerd of the crew.

- Careful with the tongue. - Bitch.

The tail looks great, I'll say that.

- That does look awesome. Great idea. - Wow, what a fricking bitch.

What? I guess we have to go in there

and read the back of a bunch of DVDs and train for this thing.

Reading. Training.

That sounds like a very Bastian thing to say.

And I walk away, like Atreyu.

(EVERYBODY HAVE FUN TONIGHT PLAYING)

- You ready? - Yes.

Although you could just give me the answers to the questions you're gonna ask, right?

- Yep, let's do that. Good call. - Yes.

- This was fun, though. - I hated it.

All right, hello, and welcome to the Hallman House '80s Trivia Night,

where the grand prizes are actually grand.

Okay, you know why you're here. I know why I'm here.

To win...

A life-size Predator statue.

Yes, that's what I'm talking about.

Great. All right.

First question. Hands on your dingers. (LAUGHS)

In the movie Stand By Me, what was the name

of River Phoenix's character's older brother?

(BELL DINGS)

Bobby Phoenix.

- No. - (BELL DINGS)

- Jeff Phoenix. - No.

- (BELL DINGS) - Phoenix Sons.

BLAKE: Mmm... Nope. Now you're drifting.

- Shaq. - No. What?

Okay, you know what?

I think the concussions are starting to stack up against me.

- (BELL DINGS) - Eyeball Chambers.

- Correct. - That's my boy right there.

All day long, baby.

- Ooh. - Ow!

(CHUCKLES) All right, uh, time for question numero two.

Plutonium. Barry Manilow's wardrobe.

Alabama Black Snake.

"Rolls-Royce and the grill alone costs 12 grand."

"I'll buy that for a dollar." Short Circuit 2.

Toontown and it was called "dip."

Hardbodies.

"It was nothing like that, penis breath."

- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah!

- Mmm. - Okay, uh, question 51.

Uh, leads us to round... Two.

It's gonna begin shortly at TelAmeriCorp.

We're not going anywhere. Read the next question, bro.

No, you are gonna go somewhere if you want this bomb-ass statue.

Unless you guys are forfeiting.

In which case, there's a "no money back" policy.

- That's a "gwarantee." - That's right.

Fine. Whatever.

Okay, where is this place?

- Okay. - It's right up the street.

You know the Target where that lady got murdered?

Cool.

It was a coupla years... That was a few years ago.

If Ders doesn't bail us out, we are screwed.

Oh, he will. He will.

Yo, Karl. Can we get a ride?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. No problem.

ADAM: Cool. BLAKE: Awesome, dude.

What are my weaknesses?

Um... I'm too passionate, you know?

I've been called a workaholic. (CHUCKLES)

And I'm on time entirely too often.

(CHUCKLES)

Punctual. That's good, that's good.

And, uh, where do you see yourself in, say, five years?

Richard. May I call you Richard?

I got to tell ya, if I'm honest, I see myself as branch manager,

and I know that's your job,

but I feel like I could do it better

with a little something I call the Ders Effect.

"Ders Effect?" That's a new one.

(SIGHS) I'll tell ya, I've never had my job put in jeopardy

by an interviewee, but...

It's the wake-up call I needed, I'll be honest, Mr. Holmvik.

So you're hired.

In fact, I'm gonna give you double pay and full "bennies," so... Hi.

- Howdy. - Hey.

Hey, uh, what are you guys doing here?

BLAKE: What are you doing here?

Wait, are you doing a podcast right now?

- No. - Oh, my gosh.

- You were about to 'bate it. - That's what I was figuring.

- (GASPS) Oh. - ANDERS: Wasn't gonna...

What happened at the house?

Oh, well, the scam nose-doved,

'cause you ditched us like a real dickhead.

So, we brought the game to you.

Everybody's in the conference room.

What? No, no, no, no. This can't happen.

Oh, no, don't worry, you know, it's all good.

We're actually here to help you finish your stupid little Alice job stuff

and then we're gonna send you in the room

and you're gonna just clean up, buddy.

- Rack 'em and stack 'em. - Come on.

- Let's go. - I can't.

- That's the mask. - I...

Alice didn't email me about working here, okay?

I'm here because I'm about to interview with another branch manager.

There's an opening sales director position,

and I wanted it.

Blake... Punch this man.

Okay, wait, we don't need a sales director, okay?

What we need right now is a child who sat

in front of a TV, unloved, for hours upon hours

until he mutated into the '80s movie trivia genius that sits before us now.

I take that as a compliment, okay, buddy?

And guess what? Best thing about the whole trivia scam

is that it doesn't have to happen.

So, I'm gonna go squash it right now.

- Why? - No, no, no.

- Don't. We're scammers, Anders, just admit it. - No, Anders, do not!

- ADAM: Hey, get, stop! - Hi, gang.

Sorry for the mix-up, but there's no trivia here today,

so you guys can all just head on out.

- There definitely is, so... - Don't listen to him.

What's the matter? Scared you won't win the statue from us?

If there was a statue, I would eviscerate you fools, do you understand me?

But since there's not, I guess I'll be seeing you.

Goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

What are you saying? There was never a statue?

(SCOFFS) Yeah, there totally is.

Okay, there was a statue. Remember? At the house?

You see it?

I suggest you get it here now

before I start looking around this place for a new grand prize.

There's no grand prizes here.

- No, no, no. Don't... - ADAM: Fax machine.

No, no, no, no. Please, don't. Oh!

- Oh! - Hey! Heyl

- Ooh. - You want to get physical?

Let's get physical.

Okay! Jeez, stop!

Get off! Get your hands off of me!

Get off of me, bro!

Get the Predator statue here, now.

In the meantime, we'll be in here

slamming beers and trashing shit.

- ANDERS: You idiots. - No, damn it!

BLAKE: Get him, Adam!

What are you guys doing to me?

What are you doing to us, man?

- No, I asked first. - We asked second.

What are you doing to us, man?

And you bailed first, on the scam.

Everything doesn't have to be a scam, okay?

The whole reason I want this job

is so that I don't have to trick people out of money anymore.

I'll just have money. Is that crazy?

It'll be in my pockets, I'll pull it out,

and I'll give it to you guys if you want it.

Trickle-down economics.

I know that. I watch Wolf Blitzer. Just 'cause his name's so cool.

But, guess what, there's three neo-greaser Asian dudes in there

destroying our office right now,

and our jobs are flying out the fricking window.

Oh, yeah.

I've got an idea, but it's a little scammish.

- That's cool. - Fine, I don't care.

Let's just do it fast, because the branch manager guy's

- gonna be here any minute. - Okay.

- Sorry, I'm early. - Richard!

- That's Mr. Ottmar, Anders. - "Ah-nders."

That's what I said.

So, shall we head inside? Have a little chat?

Yeah, uh, actually, the door is locked.

It's been a little finicky lately so, ugh, but...

- Locksmiths. We're here to... - We're... We work... That's what...

These are our uniforms.

ANDERS: Yeah, so they're gonna... Shut up.

- They're gonna... - Ye olde locksmith.

Just... Maybe go fix the door.

So, while that's happening, maybe we talk...

In there?

Uh... Sure.

- Yeah. Yes. - Okay. Yes, great.

- After you. - Oh, no, please.

- I insist. - No, I... It's your office.

(LAUGHS) All right, car, but yeah.

- Right, okay, fine. - Great.

Well, I guess I should have gone first. Sorry, I'll get the door.

ADAM: Hey, you should hire my boy Ders. He's hella smart.

Okay, these guys want a Predator statue?

Let's give it to 'em.

ADAM: Ah, the hockey stuff.

I don't get it.

Tell me a few of your weaknesses.

Just pick one thing about yourself that you really need to work on.

Yeah. I could be on time less.

- So, you want to be late? - Yeah.

Hey, you big, dumb idiots! We got the grand prize, the Predator statue.

Come collect it.

Show me. Where is it?

Are you blind? It's right there.

It's real. It's legit.

Great, come on out, individually.

- ADAM: (GRUNTS) Stop! - How stupid do you think we are?

We can see it's your dumbass friend dressed up.

Whoa.

Is that a Falkor car?

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah. Yeah, it is.

- We made it ourselves. - We did.

We're thinking of taking photos and putting it on Pinterest.

It's, like, do-it-yourself. It's like, you can also do this

if you have the time and the willpower.

What's the deal? You a big NeverEnding Story fan?

It's a good movie. What? Oh.

Does a rockbiter bite rocks?

That's a cool tattoo. It looks like, uh...

Like a gigantic gaping butthole.

Unique. You're a unique person.

You guys like drag racing, right?

We've been known to drift.

How about we race for pink slips?

You win, you get the Fal-car.

We win, you guys just bounce on out of here,

and then sort of admit that I'm the most Atreyu-looking dude you've ever met.

Great, deal. Let's do it.

- Okay. - (CAR ALARM CHIRPS)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Rude!

You'd have my job?

That's right, and it would only take me five years to take it. Impressed?

Why would I hire someone who wants to take my job away?

I'm smarter than I look, and I know that I look pretty smart.

I'm not sure I get that exactly.

Hey, guys. Still in the middle of this.

No, I get that, I totally do, but we got to race these movie buffs

or they're gonna knock out our teeth out.

I think I'll be leaving now.

- Hey! - Ahh!

Don't make us kick your asses.

Let's go!

I think I'll be staying now.

ADAM: What if I gave you a Westley mask?

Help us, Dersy.

As you wish.

(ENGINES REVVING)

- First one past the fence, bro. - That's right.

Luck Dragon's about to be mine, baby.

All right.

Wait, what's he talking about?

Oh. Okay, on Jenny's go.

Okay, Jenny!

(ENGINES REVVING)

('80S ACTION MOVIE MUSIC PLAYING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

- Wait, wait, wait! Oh, no! - Stop!

ANDERS: Wait, what?

Speed bumps, they're not just for hockey anymore.

(MELLOW HIP-HOP MUSIC)

You lose.

BOTH: Whoo!

- Yeah! - That was cool, right?

- That worked. - ADAM: Oh, yes.

That was the most interesting interview I have ever been a part of.

- That's great, right? - That is great, mm-hmm.

Sir, I think you'd be a fool not to hire Ders.

If there's anything we can say for him, he's extremely loyal.

He is loyal. That is true. He's like a dog.

He will lick the peanut butter off those corporate nut sacks.

- Okay, Adam. - Yep.

- Yeah, Adam, you did... - Okay, so...

- ANDERS: Thanks, guys. - So, yeah.

- We'll, uh, leave you with that. (CHUCKLES) - All right. Okay.

There's our endorsement.

- ADAM: Yep. Goodbye. - Best friends.

- So... - Can I cut you off, sir?

Because I don't want you to waste your time.

I'm not gonna accept your offer.

All right, I just...

I can't leave these guys for the bright lights

of TAC San Bernardino. I can't.

And I've actually got a few tips for you about interviewing.

Anders, I am so not offering you a job.

I don’t, uh... See you at the Christmas party.

Oh, and by the way, I just texted Alice.

She's on her way over here right now to sort out

whatever it is you've been doing here today.

Wait.

- Boom chaka-laka! - Ooh! Big baby in ya business.

You are such a good jumper.

Hey, you guys, I didn't take the job.

- Oh, good. That's great. - Yes.

That's great, 'cause that dude was a perv, man.

He probably would have tried to finger your binghole or something.

- Yeah. - He smells like vitamins, right?

- Right. - Also, he didn't offer me the job, either.

And in other news, the bitch snitched.

Alice is on her way here right now.

- What? - Yeah.

Okay, well, we better clean this place up before she gets here.

Go, go, go, go, go.

(WALKING ON SUNSHINE PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

- Awesome, we did it. - Whoo! Whoo!

Ohh.

Wait a second. Why are we here?

When she walks in, she's gonna want to know why we're here.

Put it back! Put it back!

Put it back. Put it back.

Wait, no.

Put the '80s stuff back. Don't trash it.

Yes.

(INDISTINCT MUTTERING)

Hey, what the hell are you three idiots doing here?

I just got a text from Richard Ottmar saying that the office is trashed.

What? He called our '80s trivia party decorations trash?

Okay, that's on him, and actually, I'm offended.

I'm sorry, '80s trivia party?

ANDERS: Yeah, you just...

- (SCOFFS) Oh, you know what? - Oh!

- BOTH: Aw! - I feel so bad for you

'cause you ruined our surprise.

We were gonna do, like, a fun lunchtime thing...

- Surprise. - Surprise.

...for everybody on Monday, and this was it.

Oh. That's actually kind of sweet.

What if we just, like, took the whole afternoon off

and we all, like, got to know each other

like The Breakfast Club, or something like that?

- Yeah. - She's so cool.

Listen closely, bozos.

Okay, there are no surprises in my office, okay?

I cannot believe I left the GarageBand workshop

at the Apple Store for this.

Okay, take all this crap down and get out.

Sorry.

So, that worked.

We're still alive. We're still alive.

We got this.

We still work here. We've got our jobs.

We've got this. No?

- I noticed your tie. What is that, Merona? - Yes, it is.

You got that at the Target where the woman was murdered?

- Yes. - Oh, my God.

Yes, that was... I got, like, 12 of them.

The sales after that.

- I know. - It was incredible.

But, boy, I bought those right up.

Ripped By mstoll