All language subtitles for workaholics.s05e09.1080p.bluray.x264-shortbrehd

You know, the reason it's called "bullseye"

is because in early Spain,

they'd throw darts in the bulls' eyes,

and that would make them run, and then

- running of the bulls, so...
- Wow.

- That makes sense.
- Crazy, huh?

Blake, you might be the best

at making facts up, and I mean that.

It's true, I saw it on History Channel.

- You're up.
- No, I can't. I threw out my back last night

fussing my Fleshlight.

- That shouldn't happen.
- Oh, that'll happen.

What sucks is I can't even
afford the back-upuncture to fix it.

- It's like ObamaCare, right?
- Tell me about it.

Unless...

All right. Hum it in.

Hum it in right here.
Dart me down, my brother.

I don't know if this is...

I could sever your spine or something, right?

No, there's too much meat around it.

Oh, yeah, and then
he could have a cool Professor X wheelchair.

You guys need to chill out.
Back-upuncture,

It's just needles, correct?

And what are darts but wing-ed needles?

Okay?
So just clip it in some beer and disinfect it

and then hum it in there!

Yep. Uh... On three.

- Whoo!
- One... Two...

- Three!
- You know what, on second thought...

MAN: Oh! Ahhh! What the hell?

Did you just throw that dart?

(STAMMERING) Nah. Hell, no!

I got a dart hanging outta my face!

Yes, you do. But look at it this way,

we just saved you a trip
to Claire's, am I right?

(LAUGHING)

- 'Cause...
- No?

That's it. You're dead!

Ripped By mstoll

I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, gotta

Gotta be fresh

- Whoa...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- You guys gotta go.
- Get 'em outta here!

Hey, hey, easy, easy. Keith, they're with me.

KEITH: Sorry about that, Hilary.

Just let me know if you need anything.

Uh, well, how about a round
of lemon drops for us?

And put all of dart face's drinks on my tab.

How 'bout some chicken fingers?

Yeah. Well, whatever you want.

(CHUCKLING) Sick.

Okay.

Thank you for saving us with that guy.

- Yeah.
- Actually, you kinda saved him

from us, 'cause I would
have tae kwon do kicked him

right in the freakin' tummy,

probably made him dump out in his pants.

Yep. Just poop all over himself.

Yeah, like Hong Kong Pooey.

Very funny word play.

- Oh, that's very funny!
- Points, points.

- Thanks.
- That's awesome,

because normally women aren't funny,

- and that's a rule.
- Here you go, Miss Winthrop.

- Thanks.
- All right.

And we're working on those tenders
and those dipping sauces.

- Thanks, man.
- Cheers, guys.

- Cheers.
- Thank you.

- I finished first.
- I'm sorry.

Did he say Miss Winthrop, as in...

Ted Winthrop?

Yeah, yeah, that's my dad.

- I'm Hilary. This is my friend Jackie.
- Hi. Yeah, no...

Your dad's the king of Rancho!

- Oh...
- Right? I mean...

Garbage trucks, gas stations,
Payless shoe stores.

Yep.

BLAKE: Yeah, that's right!
The big three, huh?

I'm sure Obama picks up
his phone calls pretty quick.

If Obama would ever pick up the damn phone!

Keep the change!

I didn't vote.

Who votes?
Do you guys want to get some more drinks?

Then we'll party a little bit?

- Yes!
- Whoo!

- Yes!
- And some dipping sauces.

(I FINK U FREEKY BY
DIE ANTVVOORD PLAYING)

I think you're freaky
and I like you a lot

I think you're freaky
and I like you a lot

(DISTORTED VOICE) Whoa!

I think you're freaky
and I like you a lot

Oh, my God! I did that to a real girl!

- We shut it down.
- Tonight was really fun, guys.

I had so much fun with you!

Oh, God, you smell like puke.

- Do I?
- Yeah.

It's just my armpit.

- (LAUGHTING)
- (ADAM SHOUTING)

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Stop, dude.

This might be a little crazy, but...

I'm going to my sister's
wedding this weekend,

and I was wondering

if maybe you'd want to be my date.

I do...

Want to go with you,

my sweet mistress or lady or...

- My sweet lady!
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Well, you guys, you guys
are totally invited too.

Oh, tight! Yes, I do.

- BLAKE: That's sick!
- Well, uh...

We'll see you there.

Okay, bye.

Hilary, wait.

- Hmm?
- I never caught your name.

Um, I think... I think you did,
'cause you, well, you just said it.

- Yeah, I know, I know.
- Okay!

No, I remember! All right.

- HILARY: Okay, I'll see you there.
- All right, later. See you soon.

Yeah, later, Silary.

- Take care.
- This is 'bout to be dope.

Yeah, dude, are you kidding me?

A rich person's wedding, like, come on, man.

They probably serve, like,
tiger meat or something cool.

Ho ho ho ho!

Ho ho ho! Ooh!

Well, we'll never know, because...

(STRANGE VOICE) We ain't goin'.

Adam!

- Yo.
- Hey, good morning.

Morning.

Now, I know you're sick of hearing it,

but if you'd just hear me out one more time

about why you should go to this wedding...

Yeah, check it out. All right, look.

Here's you, all right?

You go to the wedding.

You bring me and Ders.

- ANDERS: Me Ders!
- Here we are at the wedding!

We kill it. We just destroy.

'Cause everybody loves us
'cause we're great guys.

The Winthrops, they're huge fans!

They're so much fans they're like,

"Dude, move in with us at our house.

"Have as much buffalo chicken pizza

"and videogames as you want.
You can retire early.

"We don't care. Live in our mansion.

"We're all one, big happy family now."

We win. Life rules forever.

ANDERS: That's the big picture, right?
But let's talk about the wedding.

- Weddings rule, dude.
- Let's talk about it.

They've got the best DJs,
you know I'll swing dance.

And then let's talk about garter belts, man.

You know what they can do for your life.

I'm sick of being out there
on the market, you know?

I got a dude-alogical clock that's tickin'!

I don't know, you guys.
That girl was, like...

Nasty!

You know? With her disgusting,
gross, greasy-looking hair

and, like, her pizza face,

which just really creeped me out.

She was iggly putrid.

Uh, she was very hot,

and her hair game was on point.

I'm pretty sure she uses Wen by Chaz Dean.

Adam, do not eff this up.

I'm telling you, in Steve Harvey's book,

Act Like a Woman, Think Like a Man,

he says nothing compares to a woman's love.

- He says it!
- Are you denying his genius?

I'm not denying his genius.
Steve Harvey is one.

- Thank you.
- I mean, he's the best host

Family Feud has ever had, I'll admit that.

Mmm... Google Ray Combs
and get back to me, actually.

Well, Richard Dawson, on the other hand,

was in Running Man
and fingered a bunch of those chicks.

A Louie Anderson's a boss.
They had a lot of great hosts.

- True.
- So true.

But... I guess I'm just like,

scared or whatever.

What are you scared of, the conga line?

Come on, it's a frigging wedding, you doofus!

No, I'm not scared of the conga line, Blake.

- Well, what?
- I'm scared that if I go to that wedding...

She's gonna, like, fall for me love-style,

and we're gonna be boyf-girlf.

And if we do that, good-bye, Single Adam!

And that means good-bye us.

Are you ready to say good-bye to us?

(SHOUTING) Is that what
you guys are ready for?

I mean...

No, let's get some of his chicken real quick.

Hey, buddy. So maybe the end of Single Adam

isn't such a bad thing.

I mean, he's made some pretty
bad decisions in his life, huh?

BLAKE: Yes, Single Adam has.

Remember, he did eat that
toilet donut, and got sick for a week.

ADAM: Two weeks.

Single Adam did all those whippets
at a 2 Chainz concert

and tried to put his pants
on a police horse, right?

ADAM: 2 Chainz?
ANDERS: Yeah.

Hey, what if we send
Single Adam off in style?

Throw him like a bachelor
party or something?

- ANDERS: That's cool!
- When I was 12 years old,

my grandma helped me write
a bachelor party wish list.

If you guys help me get everything on my list

and I can have all of my druthers,

I will go to that wedding with you.

- Awesome.
- ADAM: Yes! Yes!

- That's cool.
- Let's do it.

I have a list of my druthers in my vault.

Sixty-nine, 69, 420.

Just kidding. It's a drawer.

I keep it close by, 'cause you never know

- when you're gonna get married.
- Sick.

It's in cursive, so this is hard for me.

Okay. Take your time.

"For his bachelor party."

Well, she talks like this.

(DEEP VOICE) "For his bachelor party,

"my grandson, Adam DeMamp, would like

"shoot shotguns at things,

"cut a wooden tree down,

"drink with airplane pilots,

"microwave a hamster..."

You know, I think I've
outgrown that last one.

- ANDERS: Thank God.
- Okay, right.

And finally, "Get a lap
dance on a Gravitron."

- Yeah.
- Okay!

- Cool! Ab... Mmm-hmm.
- Yeah.

If you guys could give me a few minutes,

I need to continue itching my leg.

'Cause my leg is super itchy.

- Sure.
- Bachelor party!

- Bachelor party, baby!
- All right!

- Okay.
- ANDERS: He was jacking off, right?

I'm not... I was not jacking off.

Actually, I just have a
rash on my inner thigh

that is questionable,

and I need to rub more cortisone on it.

(BEATBOXING)

He's insane

Range is hot!

Pull the refrigerator open.

- Yep. All right.
- Whoo!

Whoo!

- Yes!
Yaw

That was awesome!

- All right.
- Yeah!

Mmm!

ADAM: You guys rule, man. Hey, family secret.

My morn actually had an affair with a pilot

for two years.

He must have really plowed her hard, too,

because she was so happy
for those two years.

The family was actually pretty
pumped that it was happening.

My dad wasn't even pissed. Hey...

Could I fly one of your guys's planes?

No, I'm sorry, bud, we can't do it.

Well, what would you do for 100 bones?

- Yeah!
- I'm flying!

- Yeah, you are.
- I'm flying!

- Cool.
- Dude.

I'm having fun. This is a fun bachelor party.

- Yeah?
- Okay, only one more thing

on my list of druthers.

Riding a Gravitron while getting a lap job.

- Yeah, yeah, and dude.
- It's my dream.

We seriously looked into getting a Gravitron,

- but it just...
- We didn't.

It's a Gravitron. We couldn't...

You know what happens if I don't get one
of my druthers, correct, brothers?

Yes, we do, we do.

But, dude, we got you
a filthy stripper that's like also hot

who's got these moves that make you
feel like you're on the Gravitron.

Totally, like she brings a fan out

and it, like, blows her
hair, and it's like, ahhh!

And then her boobs go like
(RASPBERRYING) at Mach 5 speeds!

Unfortunately, one of my druthers isn't met,

so we're not going to the wedding.

Those were the rules that I've laid.

That's the gauntlet that I laid,

and we can't spill the gauntlet.

I don't know if a gauntlet
is spillable or not.

I truly don't even know what a gauntlet is,

but we didn't meet the druthers,

so we're not going to the wedding.

- Mach 5.
- Take me home.

Oh, my God, you guys!

You guys Jamie Kennedy
Experimented me, did you not?

I wish I could say we tried to X you,

but I can't, 'cause we did not.

- Yeah, right. It's you!
- I'm serious.

- For real?
- Yeah.

Oh, there's a note.

Okay, it's in cursive,
so this might take me a second.

"Dear Adam,

"only six people have
ever died on this Gravitron.

"Just kidding only two."

- That's funny.
- Yeah.

"Hope you got all your
droothers..."

- Druthers.
- Druthers.

- Yeah.
- Okay, that makes sense.

"You deserve them. See you at the wedding.

- "Love, Hilary."
- That's the nicest thing

a chick's ever done for a dude in the

- history of the world, right?
- Yeah.

Almost, 'cause in seventh grade,

Melissa McDonald agreed to look at my penis
and my balls for 20 seconds straight.

- Pretty nice.
- Yeah, during a school trip.

- It was like...
- Very nice.

- At that point, now this is.
- BROOKLYN: Ahem.

This might have taken first place.

Hi. I'm Brooklyn,

your dancer.

- Yes, she is.
- BLAKE: Hello, Brooklyn. I'm Blake.

So, uh, some good news.

Your job should be pretty easy tonight

since there won't be any
gravity holding your clothes on.

(LAUGHING)

It's a Gravitron!

We're lookin' at some booby
'cause of the Gravitron.

- Totally.
- Oh! This is gonna be

the best night of my life!

Yes!

(TIP TOE WiNG iN MY JAWWVDiNZ
BY RiFF RAFF PLAYING)

Oh, my God!

I done came down
tip-toeing in my Jordans

(SCREAMING)

Tip-toein' in my foreign
you motherfuckers borin'

You sleeping on me, snorin'

This is the best time of my life!

Tip-toeing in my Jordans

I down came down
Tip-toeing in my Jordans

Just copped a Porsche
Tip-toeing in my foreign

You motherfuckers borin'

ADAM: This is awesome.

This has been a dream of mine

since I heard about it
in the Penthouse letters.

- Yeah?
- My grandma used to

read them to me so I could
fall asleep more easily.

You all right down there?
'Cause you're not hard.

That's very unlike my dick.

Normally it's just like... (ROARING)

(SPITTING NOISES) Spitting
all over the place, you know?

Yeah, but it's not...

No. It's like an old taxidermied snake.

- But it isn't.
- It's scared.

Oh, wow, I don't...

Oh, my God. You know what it is?

I'm in love. Guys, I'm in love!

- Oh!
- That's what's happening.

That's why my hog isn't hard right now,

'cause I'm so in love with Hilary.

Of course I'm in love with her,

she gave me a freaking Gravitron, right?

- Yeah. That's beautiful!
- ADAM: It's cool!

I don't even like this
super babe of a stripper!

No offense. Here.

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Just for a minute.

- I need to spend some...
- Sure.

...alone time with my guys.

This might be the last time it's just us,

you know, since I'm gonna be a freakin'

- basically married dude.
- I'll just...

Thank you for doing your
stuff with your body. It's...

- Namaste.
- I normally love glittered women.

- It's no offense.
- Thank you.

- Uh-oh.
- And then there were three, right?

(SHOUTING)

And if you're real quiet,
you can hear wedding bells!

- You sure can.
- I can't hear 'em.

Oh, man, I am so sad to see you go,

but then again, I'm happy,
'cause we're probably

gonna be living together
in a mansion with a butler,

playing video games, not working ever!

Well, thank you guys so much.
And thank you for, like,

doing all this stuff
and giving me all my druthers.

- I really appreciate it!
- (SHOUTING)

Ho ho ho ho! Oh, that was awesome!

- You're out of your mind.
- That was awesome!

Hey, to Single Adam!

- Yay!
- Yeah!

- I’ll drink to that, dude.
- Signing off.

Forever.

(BEATBOXING)

Wake up!

You guys have been in
here for like six hours.

I need to be paid.

- Hey, what time is it?
- It's 10:00 am.

- BLAKE: Okay, no.
- What?

I gave you my credit card last night.

Yeah, you did, and it got declined.

You're maxed out.

- So somebody owes me.
- You know what?

I owe you.

You owe me a lot of money, actually, yeah.

What is your real name?

Why do you want to know that?

Because I need to go to that church

and tell my future girlfriend

the name of the woman
I already cheated on her with.

What? No.
Why would you do that? Don't do that.

No, I have to.

I can't start this new chapter of my life

without being forgiven
for these past indiscretions.

Getting a lapper from her,
all those other lappers.

Like so many lappers.

We've gotten so many lappers!

What are you talking about?
Don't be weird, dude.

Promise me you won't ruin this for me.

I'm trying to retire early, man.

That's a little selfish, Blake.

But, yeah... I promise.

I promise that I won't
be late to the wedding.

- Come on, Ad...
- Adam!

- I can't...
- Don't push me!

- Will someone just pay me?
- Oh, oh!

- (SHOUTING)
- BLAKE: Here it comes again!

- Ahhh!
- Ahhh!

It's not on anymore.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

(THE WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)

Oh! Jesus!

Don't, don't you do it!

Or do do it, but just wait
till after the garter belt's been tossed.

When am I gonna get paid?

Jesus, Brooklyn, is stripping
just about money to you?

- BROOKLYN: Yeah.
- I'm sorry, guys,

but you can't stop love!

My whole entire family fortune's in there!

- Adam, stop!
- Wait, wait!

No!

ANDERS: You're being totally selfish.

You guys just don't want to see me happy!

And you don't even understand relationships!

Only me and Steve Harvey do!

You're causing a friendship
family feud, dude.

Steve Harvey would never do that!

BLAKE: Nope. (LAUGHING)

Adam! You get away from here.

Today's not about you, okay?
It's about two people.

The bride and the stud
who catches the garter belt!

Ow! Oh! You back-upunctured me!

And it didn't even hurt. In fact...

It helped my hip.

Come on!

Stop stopping my love!

What the hell are you doing?

Oh, you just said hell!

We're in church, dude. You're going to hell!

People say hell in churches
all the time, you just said it.

Hey! What's going on up there?

- Um...
- Ow!

- Hey, you okay, dude?
- Stop the wedding!

- Stop the wedding!
- Wait...

It is stopped!

Now, will someone please tell me

what the hell is going on up there?

Ah... He just said hell.

- Adam, you made it!
- Oh...

Mom, Dad, um, that's my date.

What it is.

You know this clown?

Mr. Winthrop,

I would like

to ask for your daughter's hand

in being my girlfriend.

(SQUEAKY VOICE) But

before I do that, I have to come clean

about some very dastardly
deeds that I have done.

I've gotta be real, I've gotta be honest,

- and I've gotta be open...
- He doesn't.

- ...with everyone in the church!
- You don't, you don't.

- Stop!
- Last night, I got a lap job,

which is sort of like
a lap dance but more sexual,

by a girl named Brooklyn.

BROOKLYN: Oh, that's me!

I'm Brooklyn. I'm the stripper.

- But we did not have sex.
- We didn't.

- He couldn't get it hard.
- Okay, that's not...

Evidently, I'm having a
hard time getting hard

as of late, but I hope
your daughter changes that.

(BEATBOXING)

You wanna tell me
what the hell you're doing here?

Sir, I need to let you know

that I did not get hard during that lap dance

because the love for
your daughter killed my boner.

Also, I once killed a turtle with...

- Stop talking.
- No, Daddy, Daddy.

That's my boyfriend Adam.

- Boyfriend?
- Isn't he the best? Yeah.

What is this about?

Daddy, I'm just trying to make you proud.

I mean, you were the one
that said I was confused

when I said that I was a lesbian

and in love with Jackie,
and you wanted me to date guys,

and so I picked a guy, and this is my guy.

- She picked me!
- Get over here.

- Get over here.
- Stop, stop, stop it!

Stop it! Okay, okay, you've made your point.

- Huh?
- If you like Jackie that much,

then... Be with Jackie.

Oh, God, thank you. Thank you.

Please get off of me.

Jesus, that was gross.

Oh, she's being funny again.

That's why we love Hilary, she's so funny,

and for a woman, too.

JACKIE: Oh, my God.

Not a comedy routine, dude.

You're a horrible person.

- I love you.
- I love you.

I love you. I love you.

They can be as miserable as the rest of us.

Stop it. Don't hit me with the bouquet.

I'm sorry, can we get back to my wedding?

Oh, it's all about you, isn't it?

Okay, okay, you guys are outta here.

Great call. Love where your head's at.

I'm wondering if,
before we get the wheels really turning,

you could throw out the... Garter belt?

No! Get out!

Totally. I just... Need it!

- No!
- Hey, hey, hey!

- Daddy!
- (ALL SHOUTING)

Get off! Get off!

- Get off!
- Define lesbian!

You know what?
I think it worked out for the best.

I'm 25.
I'm too young to have my first girlfriend.

True, man you dodged a bullet, dude.

- Hello.
- What?

Still here. Still need money
for all the lappers that we did.

- Yes, uh...
- All the lappers.

And I still don't have any money.

Well, my friend is getting
married next weekend.

So maybe...

Oh! You...
You want me to go as your date as payment.

Yeah, of course!

- Yeah, that's smart.
- Sick!

Uh, not exactly.

- (ORGAN PLAYING)
- Hello, everyone, and welcome.

We are gathered here today to celebrate...

Ugh! Ughhh!

(WOMEN WHOOPING)

Oh! Oh!

Uh-oh! Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Come on! Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm really bad. I know I'm going to hell.

But I been told my dick's so good
it gotta be goin' to heaven!

(WOMEN WHOOPING)

(WOMEN WHOOPING)

Get it! Get it! Get it! Get it!

Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus, did I shit myself?

Did I shit... Oh, it was you three.

Oh, my God, I thought I shit my pants!

Ripped By mstoll