All language subtitles for workaholics.s05e06.1080p.bluray.x264-shortbrehd

(SINGING) Nachos and guacamole
like chipotle

But it is real

Can I help you?

Yeah. How much you want for this junk?

How 'bout a quabillion
jillion trillion dollars?

This isn't a yard sale, you bitch ass.

- Bitch ass?
- Yeah, I said bitch ass. Put it down.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Hey, man.
- Easy, man. Hands off.

- Put down my record, bro.
- Wey-oh.

Put down my record!

Hey, guys!

Something's going down in the front yard.
Check it out!

There I go.

- Hey, Karl!
- Bring the tone down.

- Back it off.
- Keep your hands off me.

What the hell are you doing?

- Dean, we'll handle this scandal.
- All right, man. See that you do.

Thank you so much. You saved me.
Thank you.

Karl, bud, it's too early for this.
What's all this stuff, man?

Oh, dude, this stuff is my Mexican stuff.

- I've been getting hella into Mexico lately.
- Oh. Ooh.

- Oh, yeah?
- I actually need to go back down there

right now to help
some coyotes do a border run.

So if you guys don't mind, I'd...
I'd love to leave this stuff inside your house.

- Okay. All right.
- (CHUCKLING)

You got one trip.

Anything you can get in
the house in one trip can stay.

All this other shite got to go.

That's cool.
I already know what I'm gonna do.

(SCREAMING)

BLAKE: Come on. Get it, boy.

Get it, boy. Live there. You got this.

- Finish line's right there.
- Yeah! Whoo!

- What do you need?
- I need water.

No, no, no. No, we said no water.

Right there, across the plank.
You got this. You got this.

- (SCREAMING)
- You got this!

Ahhh! No!

- (SCREAMS)
- Yay!

Oh, ho, ho, ho. Blanket.

- Blanket on the ground.
- That's my favorite blanket.

- That's all right.
- It belongs to the outside now, bitch.

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(SINGING) I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta
You gotta, gotta

Gotta be fresh

- (GRUNTS)
- Whoa, is that a full body shot of Olmec?

I've never seen his lower half.

Is this a Legends of the Hidden Temple
tell-all?

Dude, probably.

Everything cool comes from Mexico.
You know, tacos and...

- Where's your blanket though?
- Oh, hey, uh...

These right here in the bag,
they're in a bag for a reason.

They are muy caliente...
Burning your skin off.

- Don't let 'em touch you. All right?
- All right.

- Sweet.
- Awesome. This right here is very important.

I need to ask a favor of you.

I have a business associate stopping by
tomorrow to pick that up.

Don't open it. It says it right there.

- It does. Right on the front.
- Yeah, I read that, too, but I was like,

"It's like a suggestion."

But I really want to know,
"What's in the box?

"What's in the box?"

Like from that scary movie, Se7en?
With Brad Pitt?

I'm sorry. I haven't seen movies.

But I know who Brad Pitt is.
I see his face on the magazine blankets

that keep me warm at night.

- Magazine blankets.
- Okay, but, like,

what is "in the box" actually, though?

We don't want to know
what's in the box, okay?

Don't tell us, 'cause we're not
some shady FedEx Kinko's

with package pickup availability, okay?

Okay, well I have 2,000 reasons
that says otherwise.

- These are all dollars.
- Oh. Well, hell yeah.

- We'll do it. Come on. Give me the money.
- Oh, my gosh.

I'll give you one G now
and then another G upon completion, okay?

I love that you're giving us
money, but it's "T" s.

- It's not "G" s.
- Hmm?

It's thousands. Not "grousands."

- Hmm?
- Oh, wow.

It's always been "G" s in my book.
Let me change that.

BLAKE: I'm glad I'm here
to teach you something.

You guys, I think we should open the box.

I just want to know what we're dealing with.

No, you can't open the box, Ders.

It's definitely drugs, all right?

As soon as you open the box,
you're a drug dealer.

You leave the box closed,

you're just a friendly neighborhood, like,
box dealer. Like a UPS man or something.

I'm gonna go talk to Alice, get tomorrow off
because I feel like I've been stacking

a lot of cool points as of late,
so I'm gonna go cash those in.

- Good call.
- Cool points?

- Yeah.
- Okay. Well, I've never heard of it,

and it sounds really fake,
like it doesn't exist.

Mmm, very, very, very real.
It's, like, a real thing.

It's like when you do something cool,
you get a cool point.

Maybe you poop your pants.
Cool points depleted.

Maybe you piss yourself,
or maybe you puke on your shirt...

But if, sometimes
if you puke a distance, then...

Then perhaps you get
a cool point for projectile.

That's cool.
I'm at 68 right now and I'm about to get to 69,

which, in itself, you get extra cool points,
for being close to 69,

because that's such a cool number.

You actually would get a more... Okay.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna go talk to Alice then.
Dicks.

Thank you.

ALICE: A day off?

All right, everyone.
In the conference room, now.

- Alice, I got your coffee.
- Mmm-hmm.

(GAGS)

- Jillian, this is ice cold.
- Like your heart.

She is freaking Jeremy-Pived.

I wonder if, like, my cool points depleted

when I got all that hot sauce
in my eyes last week

from the burrito, and she must have seen it.

Is there something wrong with you people?

Because every day this week,

someone has come to me bitching
and moaning about a new problem.

Well, it ends now, because I don't give
a fuck about your problems.

Hear that, Tez?
No more coming to my office whining,

"Where my leads at? I
don't got no lizz-eads."

I don't sound like that.

And, Bill? Stop coming to me for advice.

(IN WHINEY VOICE)
"Why won't girls date me?"

Maybe 'cause you're broke
'cause you suck at your job.

Ow. Burn notice received.

(WHISPERING) You know, Bill,
a wig could really help with your confidence.

And, Gary, stop staring at Jillian.

Can't tell if this guy wants to fuck
or kill me.

Oh, and now you three want a day off
for no reason at all.

- Really, that... That'd be great.
- 100% no.

If everyone else is here,
so are you three idiots.

- And, hey. Consider this your lunch break.
- What?

Jillian.

- You just ate lunch.
- Gah, this job is a jizz-oke.

Oh, yeah, I do sound like that.

What are we gonna do, man?
We still need tomorrow off.

(SIGHS) If no one comes in the office,
the heat'll be off us.

What about a ditch day?

That's perfect. Oh, my God.

Hey, wait. Hang on. Shh. Everyone shut up.

- Sit down.
- Shut up and sit down.

- Shut up and sit down.
- BOTH: Shut up.

- Sit down, shut up.
- Okay, now you shut up.

Okay, here's the deal, guys.

I know tensions are running high
working here. It's tough, right?

I hate it. I hate it.

Instead of coming here
tomorrow and working,

why don't you guys come
to our place for a ditch day?

- Oh, my God. That sounds fun.
- Uh, nah, nah.

- Just like in high school.
- Nah, nah, nah.

We ain't going to your nasty-ass frat house,

bath soap all covered
in pubes and dookie streaks.

Nope, there is no dookie
on the soap anymore.

- Not anymore.
- We switched to body wash.

- So we solved that problem.
- Yup.

So I'll see you guys there?

- Also, there's gonna be alcohol, snacks, food.
- Tons of booze.

- Yeah, so...
- Okay, so ditch day is a s'go.

You know what, dude? I think I figured it out,
why my cool points are dipping.

- What?
- I need, like, a new hip name.

Yeah, it's pretty bad.
I been meaning to tell you about it.

- Nails DeChamp.
- Okay, right this way.

Wow. That's good, right?

The pianist, you can just get set up in there.
Okay?

Um, and if you don't mind,
let's keep it classy,

but also a little nasty,
just like my main man, Jamie Foxx.

In fact, I got a little
bracelet for you here.

"WWJFP." What would Jamie Foxx play?
All right?

Okay. I'm gonna need that back though.
Thank you.

Excuse me, honey,
where do you keep your plates?

Honey? I'm not your honey.
I'm your boss, okay?

The kitchen is that way.
Please, get in there.

Do not use the Wendy's napkins.
Use the Starbucks napkins.

Yo, hey, bro, what... What's up, man? Um...

So, what? Are these volunteers, or you...
You hired people?

Yes, Blake. I had to hire people.

Two people, okay?
I'm trying to class it up here.

It's only 300 bucks out of
the thousand that Karl gave us.

I mean, you could have asked us.

- You spend money to make money.
- Exactly. Right? And I spent $700 more

on finger foods, this rug,
thank you for not stepping on it,

and the Chiavari chairs, which look...

- They look so good.
- These look great.

Plus we got another thousand coming
when we get rid of the drug box, right?

- One more T, baby.
- Right. Right.

- ANDERS: So we're fine.
- (DOORBELL RINGS)

- All right. Yeah.
- Oh, I got it. Uh-oh, party time.

- Skip over the rug.
- Look good. Look good.

- What up.
- Hey.

Hey. Hey. It's me, Nails DeChamp,
your party guide for ditch day.

Welcome to the main event.

Give me some food.
I skipped dinner last night for this.

We got plenty of food.
Let me get my waitress.

Paula, eggs!

Where this drank at?

- (PHONES RINGING)
- Yeah, yeah, I understand that,

but it makes my feet swell up like balloons.

Jillian, breakfast biscuit and black coffee.

- Jillian?
- (PHONES CONTINUE RINGING)

Oh, what the fuck?

(SINGING) We're like
fresh, fresh, fresh

Ah, no. I'm full. Thank you.

Hey, what'd you think of the bathroom?
How about that two-ply Charmin?

You know what? It was all right.

Them booty wipes was a nice touch.

- It stings now, but it's a good sting.
- BLAKE: Fantastic.

Guys, if we could put our phones away,
that'd be great. All right?

Come on.
We're staring at these things all day.

Do we even know each other anymore?

For instance, Ghostman.
What, uh, like, what's even your real name?

- My name's Gary Golstman.
- Oh.

Oh, that... I just always thought Alice
was calling you that because...

- Nothing.
- Yo, Blake.

Watch me stack mad cool points

- with this B-boy flavor.
- Oh, all right.

- Ayo!
- Ladies and gentlemen.

- Who's ready to b-b-b-b-break dance!
- Me.

- Get 'em, Nails.
- Here, Steven.

(SINGING) Oh, daddy's a dancer

That's not break dancing. This is.

ALL: Oh!

(LAUGHING)

- Oh, is that... Ha, ha, ha!
- BLAKE: Adam.

I'll frickin' break-dance.
I'll frickin' break-dance!

- Adam.
- Oh!

- I’ll break-dance!
- It's a rental.

It's a rental. It's a rental.

- Someone needs a chill pill.
- (ALL LAUGHING)

Hey, you know what?
I told y'all this party was gonna eat my booty.

Let's get out of here.
I haven't had a sale in three weeks.

Whoa. Hang on. Everyone, sit down.
Sit down and shut up.

- You can't ditch ditch day.
- That's right.

Everybody, sit down. Okay?
Sit down, Montizzle.

Listen, I've been reading a lot
about the Mayans, okay?

And when they stressed out
about pesos, they didn't just,

you know, run back to work.
They sipped the worm water.

You guys want me to chug that? 'Cause I will.

- Someone dare me to chug that.
- All right. Come on, everybody, shots!

In honor of Olmec,
the Mayan god of chillaxing.

(CHATTING AND CHEERING)

- I will get with Waymond.
- Waymond wouldn't be with you.

Everybody here can suck my big johnson!

(CHEERING)

- (RINGING)
- TelAmeriCorp, please hold.

Well, then please hold a third time.

TelAmeriCorp.

Oh, actually Jillian does the shipping usually,
but I can do it if you tell me your...

Hello? Fine.

(PHONES RINGING)

Oh, sh...

Argh!

You put a black light
in that Holiday Inn hotel room,

it's gonna be nasty.
(LAUGHS) Never even saw the beach.

- Excuse me.
- Whoo!

If you want a piano player at your
crappy house, get one. This one's mine.

He's jamming though. You don't hear this?

Well, he's not taking requests, okay?

- Hey. Waymond, give me that box.
- Why?

"What's in the box?" (LAUGHS)

- Have you ever seen Se7en?
- Yeah.

- We've said it, like, seven times already today.
- Oh.

Give me the box right now.
What's wrong with you, man?

- Waymond!
- Hey.

What are you doing? What are you...
No, no, no, no, no!

Yo! Guys, want to help?

- Waymond, what is your problem?
- Oh, he's strong.

He's strong. He's strong. Whoa.

BLAKE: Come on, trap him
in the closet in Adam's room.

ANDERS: Oh, he's tough. He's slippery.

Chill, man! Oh!

ADAM: Don't piss in my bed, fat...
Fatso. All right.

I don't know. Maybe "chillax" means
something different in his country.

Whoo! That was cool.
Waymond's freakin' strong.

He's like a Chevy truck or something.

- Very surprising.
- Too strong for you.

He almost got the box...

Which I put right there.
I swear to God, I putted it there.

Dude, we got to find that box right now.

"What's in the box?" From Se7en?

Never seen it? Good flick. Cool twist.

Which one of you lowlife
scumbags took my box?

Hmm? I pay your rent.

I put food on your table
after you put food on my table,

and this is the thanks that I get?

You're both fired,
and I want the wristband back.

I don't have the wristband.

Did you throw away my wristband?

- I threw it away.
- Get the hell out of here before I go crazy.

You mind if I stick around for a drink?

Yes. You're a chick.

Chicks never have to leave our house.
It's a house rule.

Be a good Ghost and grab mama a drink.

- I’ll get you a drink.
- Shh.

I can't breathe! Thank you.

Of course. And I'm sorry about before...
The staring.

It's just you look like my dead wife.

Oh, Ghostman. That... I'm so sorry.
I didn't know.

RIP, lady Ghostman. Come here.

Wait a second. That's my woman!

Whoa, what's going on?

(GRUNTS) on, God.

Get him! Get him!

Holy shit! Guys! Come on!

You're acting, well, nuts, actually.

They both want a piece of the Jilly bean.

What are you doing? Do you like these guys?

- Oh, no. Not really.
- Then what're you doing?

Why you teasing my dangle?

Alice craps on me a lot,

and I just wanted to see what it felt like
to do the crapping.

Guys, you can't be trying to
twist each other's joints off, man.

He's right. I only went at you so hard
'cause we're both so badass.

Well, you see that waitress?

I'm gonna tell her that you have
a monster wang.

You wouldn't be lying.

(SINGING) What

- Totally all good.
- No problem.

(LAUGHING)

Freakin', oh, you can eat crazy peppers.

Everyone loves Gil, don't they?

I'll eat... I'll eat a
freakin' million of those.

Pepper. Mmm, ooh, it's so hot.

It's so hot. Let me drip a little bit in my eyes.
It's so hot.

- Rubby, rubby, rubby.
- I wouldn't do that.

Ow! Shit!

Ahhh, it's so hot! Ahhh! Oh, my God!

(SCREAMING) It's so hot! It's so hot!

Why won't it help me?

That helps a little, actually.

Oh! He's leaving!

- Oh, hey.
- He's biting. Careful.

- How'd he get out?
- Hey, man, chillax!

(CROWD SCREAMING)

Oh, my God. Come back!

How did you do that? Hey!

Adam. It's not...

- I got it!
- You can't.

- Just...
- l'm gonna go around.

- Yeah, good call.
- Through the gate.

- Good call. Yeah.
- Hey, boys.

You want this box?

Back up, or I'm gonna flood this box
like a high school girl on prom night.

BOTH: Ew.

Drop it, Tez. All right?

Just put the box down.
Not in the water though.

Outside of the water though, please.

Ooh, why you want the box so bad, huh?

- Fess up.
- You know exactly what it is.

- It is drugs, okay?
- Yeah.

We're big-time drug dealers.

We're about to make a big-time
drug deal, so just hand it over.

There's someone at the door for you guys.

- Says it's important.
- Thank you, Didi.

It's the drop-off. It's a drop-off.

Okay, I'm not kidding. You give me that box.

No. You ain't getting nothing
with that cheap suit on.

You back up too, Blake.
I could just sell this box

myself and make all the money, huh?
How 'bout that?

- Tez!
- (SCREAMS)

Oh. Ooh.

- Come on. Let's go.
- Okay, let's go.

Why you gonna do me like that, man?

- Come on. Oh, wow.
- (STRUGGLING)

- Help me.
- Yeah, I got you, dude. Whoa.

I never seen your hair wet. It's cool.

- What's going on, man? Huh?
- It's... You know what?

- Colleen making more money than me.
- Uh-huh.

I didn't get no sales last month.

That's what you're worried about?

You know what? I used to deal
those diggity-dang nugs back in high school.

If y'all cut a brother in on the box,
I bet you I can up those profits.

Grandma drug dealer. Perfect cover.

- It really is.
- More like a gram-ma. Get it?

'Cause you, like...
It's a common measurement in drugs.

- That's good.
- Thanks.

Nice one. Very good one.

(SIREN BLARES)

- Oh, man.
- Cops. Cops!

Oh, my God. It's a sting. I knew it!

- We're going to the booty house!
- Flush it. We got to flush 'em.

- Flush it! Flush, flush, flush.
- Go, go, go. Go, go, go.

(PANTING)

Hey, we're busy here.

Uh, we just need to use the toilet, so, uh...
Okay. Yup.

- Baby, don't stop.
- I'm in love!

Yeah, we'll just work around you.

ANDERS: What is this?
BLAKE: What?

The drugs must be inside.

Here. Rip 'em open. Start flushing.

- All right.
- Oh, yeah.

Whoo! Yeah, baby, that's the good burn
right there.

Yeah. Yeah, man.

I know cocaine when I taste it on my lips.

(PHONES RINGING)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(CELL PHONE CHIMING)

- Oh, snaps.
- Oh, wow.

Oh, whoa, the cops are here.

We received complaints about
a heavyset Asian man

destroying front yards in the neighborhood.

They said he came from here.

So let me get this straight. He's in trouble,
and we're not in trouble for do...

For... We're not in trouble.

- You just keep the noise level down.
- Mmm-hmm.

Another complaint, and you'll be cited.

Woman, I tell you that right now...
Hey, are we doing this or what?

We actually had to flush the
drugs when the cops got here.

It was almost a huge bust,
so we just saved you.

Drugs?

I bought rare Princess Diana Beanie Babies
from Karl the collector.

And I paid him up front.

Well, I mean, if you really want 'em,
I think you could pull 'em out of the toilet.

- I mean, they're just in pieces, but...
- The fabric's okay.

You tell Karl he'll be hearing from me.

- Whoa, whoa.
- (SCREAMS)

(SINGING) He's insane

Okay, we no longer need any of you here,
so ditch day is over.

Ditch day?

Everybody back to the office.

Adam, Blake, Anders, you three
are suspended without pay until I feel like it.

- What? It wasn't our...
- We were trying to...

No. No. No! No! No! People were miserable.

Adam, Blake, and Anders
were just trying to help.

You treat us like you don't even
give a damn about us.

Why are you even here now? I'll answer.

For yourself. Uh-huh.

(SIGHS) I know. I...

It's just sales get low,
and then I get stressed out,

and all of that trickles down. I...

I owe you an apology.

Guys, I have an idea.

What if we hit the freaking phones
and got corporate off Alice's back?

- Come on!
- Yeah. Yeah, let's do that.

Sure, hell yeah.

- Come on! Yes!
- (ALL CHEERING)

Okay. All right, sure. Yeah, why not.

I mean... Thanks, Adam.

Good idea. Major cool points.

- I accept them.
- Great.

Ding dong. Aloha, guys.

It's me, Karl again. Whoa, hey.
Look, I got a text from Fran.

She said the Beanie Baby
handoff didn't go as planned.

- Sorry about that.
- That's all right.

I'll just give her a good munchin'.

Hey, check it out.
I got my coyotes across the bordie.

You were talking about real coyotes?

- Uh, yeah.
- That's cool.

- Cool points.
- Yeah.

Karl, those are wolves.

- Wild wolves.
- Nuh-uh.

I put ropes on 'em.

- You bitch ass.
- You're the bitch ass.

- I'm not afraid of you, dude.
- Stop. Stop this.

- Okay, just stop, dude.
- Come on, dude. I'll run at you and do it.

- Just stop.
- I'm not afraid of you.

I'm not. What?

Dude, I don't wanna... I don't wanna...
Okay, man.

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