Original subtitles

Okay, what?

BLAKE: Have you seen these pieces?

ADAM: The breast pieces?

- No. - Let's finish the puzzle,

- then you can keep the little booby pieces. - Okay.

Yeah, I do have 'em.

Because I've really got into breasts lately.

And also as of... The past, as well.

Yo, guys.

Just got a crazy harsh email

from Del, the landlord, about rent being late.

Okay, so what? Rent's always late.

It's like our signature move.

Yeah, man. It's like our Shakira belly dance, basically, come on.

It is like a Shakira belly...

You still got it.

And then the butt cheeks follow it with her...

And secondly, Del freaking loves us.

And I don't know about you guys, but specifically, he loves my guts.

Let's re-invite him over, crush a 30 rack,

Blake will do some Family Guy impressions. He loves those.

Unfortunately, in the email he specifically said,

"Do not try inviting me over

"to crush a 30 pack and do Family Guy impressions."

So we need the rent, like, nowzers.

There's a bunch of stuff laying around the house that we never use.

- You thinking garage sale? - No.

- ALL: Oh! - He wasn't looking!

Whoo!

- Brutus beefcake coming at you! - Oh!

BOTH: Ahhh!

- That was cool. - That was cool, dude.

BLAKE: Ow, that actually hurt.

Oh, my goodness!

ADAM: We got a crowd.

BLAKE: I told you people'd show up. Get a donation.

What, is that a hundo? Where'd you get that?

We got to make 'em think we're worth the big bucks, baby.

My grandma gave it to me.

Cool, safety first.

- Hey, give me that! - Did he take the 100?

- Yep, they took it. - That's 100 bucks.

- Don't worry. - Get 'em.

- I got this. - Hell yeah.

- Oh! - (CAR ALARM BLARES)

Everybody inside! Go inside.

ADAM: Go. Go inside. ANDERS: I can't.

- Go around. Go around the block. - Get the keys, get the keys.

Go around back!

Ripped By mstoll

(SINGING) I'm fresh

You gotta, you gotta You gotta, gotta

Gotta be fresh

We really could've used that 100, Adam.

- Yeah - It's cool. We'll just ride it off.

Did you say, "Ride it off“?

Yeah, it's like a tax thing, you know?

You just ride it off. Ride off the 100.

Well, whatever. I know those little brats definitely rode off with your 100.

Yeah. We should kill 'em.

Yo, yo, yo, dude.

Dude, would you mind taking a picture of us, yo?

Okay.

Dude, this is crazy, man. I'm such a big fan of yours, man. Yeah!

What are you a fan of? How stinky his farts are?

(CHUCKLES) For real, the way you poot, it ain't cute.

You haven't seen this dude's show, yo?

It is so dope, man. This guy's an all-time legend.

This dude is dope?

Aw, man.

Yeah, boy!

What is he... You have a show?

Only the most popular one on Rancho Cable access.

- Check it out, man. - Welcome to Rancho.

Today, we're at Hamilton Springs Park

- in Southern Rancho... - I've been there.

...which is rumored to have some nice benches.

What a nice bench.

If Bill has a show, we should definitely have a show.

But ours will be better 'cause we'll get, like,

cool, famous people like Jean-Claude Van Damme

and film him doing, like, cool stuff.

Oh, yeah, what if we, like,

film him on a road trip across America?

We could call it Jean-Claude's Damn Van.

You guys, we can't...

That's actually very cool.

ADAM: That was a very good idea! BLAKE: Right?

- Wow. - Blake, that was very good!

- Thanks, bro. I just kind of fell into that one. - Jean-Claude's Damn Van, I love it.

But here's something that we can actually do, okay?

Public access wrestling show.

Okay, I'm actually very psyched for that,

'cause I know we have casually mentioned starting a federation,

but it is a dream of mine,

and if we could get it on TV,

I think a lot of people would pay to see us wrestle.

Exactly, and everybody's seen backyard wrestling, right?

Done. It's played.

But what haven't they seen?

Front yard wrestling.

Also, because you lost $100 last when we were trying to do the wrestling thing,

so I'm gonna take over as commissioner of this federation.

- Ugh. - And you guys will be battling for

inter-Rancho world championship belts.

This is gonna be good. I'm gonna go talk to Bill,

find out how we get on public access and, uh,

I might even scout the office for some talent.

I don't know.

It's all very exciting.

Welcome to the Front Yard Wrestling Inter-Rancho Wrestling Championship match.

Let's get sweaty and wrestle!

The event is ready to get started today...

Coming to the ring now, you know him, you love him, Eskimofo.

Ricky, get out.

(NATIVE AMERICAN VOCALIZING)

(YELLS)

(MOCK NATIVE AMERICAN ACCENT) I will tear into my opponent

the way the mighty Kodiak tears into a salmon!

Okay, that's disgusting. This is... This is not...

He's really doing this.

He must be good at wrestling.

I'll say that right there. Disgusting. Waymond, what do you think?

Oh, you probably like that. You are Asian.

And now joining us in the east corner...

A new kid on the scene battling for the belt.

It's Adam.

That's not very original at all, Waymond.

Just with a simple name of "Adam.“ Here we are. Here we are.

Snap into wrestling!

And snap into...

Okay... Ow!

Slim Jim!

Dude, I don't know if we can say that on TV. What are you doing?

Oh, that was awesome.

We are ringside. We're ready to get started.

Oh, it's a furious start to the match.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Eskimofo and Adam are dancing.

- Yeah! - Whoa!

BOTH: Ahhh!

Oh, my God. Are you okay?

- Was that cool? - Yeah, yeah, man. You totally sold it.

- Okay. - You tricked me.

Real quick, though, you're the jabroni.

BLAKE: What? No. We didn't plan it that way, all right?

I win. I get the girl.

- Okay, I'm gonna suplex you. - I'm gonna suplex you.

- One, two, suplex. - Time out!

BOTH: Oh!

Oh, well, if it isn't my beautiful daughter, bratty Cathy, everyone.

Whoo! Get him, baby.

Excuse me.

I see you've gotten the fur that daddy bought you with all his money.

Ooh, cha-ching, cha-ching.

ALL: Oh!

Love it! I love it!

You ready to watch your boyfriend and my favorite wrestler, Eskimofo, win the match?

Is now the time?

No, I actually want Adam to win! Whoo!

- Ha! - One, two...

Ow! Ow!

- Nice. - JILLIAN: Whoo!

- I almost put it on. - Two, three!

Yeah!

Child, what are you doing?

- That hurt. - Champion.

- No! - I'm the champion.

My sweet daughter's rooting for that guy now?

No!

- Ow! - Champion!

There's glass in my ass.

I am the champion.

Oh, wow.

Hello out there.

Hey, it's me, Commissioner Ders. And if you liked tonight's action,

then preorder your tickets for next week's showdown.

It's Rentlemania One!

It's Eskimofo versus Adam.

In a ladder match! Uh-oh!

Bring the wife, bring the kids,

because these maniacs are about to bash each other's skulls

into a soupy pulp-

Two warriors, one ring.

Rentlemania is coming-oming-oming-oming.

- Dude, the commercial looks great. - Thank you.

- And we made 200 bucks, guys. - That's awesome.

Only 2,000 more, and we're good.

Whoa, it's 5:00 in the morning.

I guess we could either go to bed, or... Oh, check it out.

I got seven episodes of Doug. You guys wanna watch that till work?

Huh?

I wouldn't mind Skeetering on that Patti Mayonnaise.

(LAUGHING)

Up high.

Like, nowadays, you might not go for Patti Mayonnaise.

Not with Roger Klotz in the building.

I kept thinking you were saying, "panty mayonnaise."

Hey, I heard the show was on last night.

Thank you for, um, for watching.

I hope you did. I don't know if you did.

I also heard they were gonna give you my 4:00 a.m. time slot

for something called Rentlemania?

Shut up! We got the 4:00? They said that?

- Is that... That's good? - ANDERS: It's like, the primo time slot.

(SCREAMS) Yes!

I guess we're gonna be stacking paper.

- Ooh. - Which means cash.

- But, that was my time... - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're the front yard wrestler dude.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

You're Eskimofo, right? (GROWLS)

- Yeah. - And...

Would you take... Oh, my God, it's Adam!

- Yes it is! It is Adam! - Whoo-hoo!

Dude, would you take a picture of us?

This guy's a tweaker, man.

Let me just delete the photos of you.

- Okay, I can get... - No, no, I don't want... I don't want you, man.

I want my heroes, man.

- You guys are awesome! - All right, get in here.

Whoo!

- Okay, that's good. - (ALL SPEAKING AT ONCE)

Yes!

- Dude, it's rad! - Yes, it is rad!

Front yard wrestling!

- Front yard wrestling! - God bless.

That's why we do it, right there.

Yeah, yeah. Well, no... Rent.

- But yeah, I mean, people are watching. - Yeah.

Hey, would you guys want to be interviewed on my show sometime?

Could be good cross-promotion for the station.

Yeah, we should do it, I mean,

'cause we did just jack your time slot.

- Ooh. - ANDERS: We did.

(CHUCKLING) I just realized that now.

We just kind of bent you over the barrel, huh?

- Yeah. - So we'll do it.

We'll give you a little bump in the demo. How's that sound?

We freaking bent you over the barrel, and then butt-fucked you. (LAUGHING)

Very cool. Well, I'll have my producer, who's me, set it up.

We didn't butt-fuck him.

- Yeah, what was up with that? We didn't... - We bent him over...

I do not want to butt-fuck Bill.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Welcome to Rancho!

And congratulations to Adam. You were champion of last week's match.

Thank you.

(LAUGHS) That's like my wrestling... Ahem.

Thank you.

Don't you think it's weird that you won, considering you seem like

a total zero with no personality?

Yeah. Do you... More like you don't...

Great. Really, the only wrestler with any personality was Eskimofo.

- Thank you. - The racist caricature of an Inuit.

- Well... I don't... - What?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Okay, no. No!

Everything I do as Eskimofo is an homage to

the strong and powerful igloo-dwelling whale riders.

Well, here's what a couple of American Indians

we interviewed had to say about Eskimofo.

Oh, this guy's cool-looking.

This is embarrassing.

I find this highly offensive.

WOMAN: This is the worst thing I've ever seen.

So offensive.

Why?

That could've been about anything.

- She just said, "Why?" - She's an actress. I've seen her in movies.

That's Lou Diamond Phillips.

So what do you have to say for yourself?

You don't have to say anything.

I... I mean, I never meant to, like, hurt anybody's feelings.

I love the Eskimos. I love... In-Inu-Inu?

- Inuit. - Inu...

Okay, well, "Inu" can get the fuck out of here.

- Thank you. - Okay, 'cause I'm more angry

than any Eskimo ever could be,

because I've got a freaking dope personality.

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you were just another guy named Adam

fake wrestling in my old time slot.

So that's what this is about.

Okay, you know what? We're done with your name-calling

and your "gotcha" journalism. It's time to go.

- Get out of here! All you guys. - Get your crew.

- Hit the bricks! - Can't come in my house...

- Hey, Del. - Hey.

What's up, you funky homo sapien?

- Deli meat. - Yeah, come on, man. Let's get you a beer.

- Uh, Lois, get Del a brewski. - (ALL LAUGHING)

- You're really good. - DEL: Stop it.

Stop it. I didn't come here to hang out. What's going on?

What... Are you Bill? You the guy who called me?

I've been hanging out there for, like, 10 minutes.

Del Jacobson, you're the landlord of this heme, correct?

What do you think about your tenants

running an illegal wrestling business on your property?

Wrestling? ls that what... That's what all that is?

You're doing a wrestling tournament?

For money, illegally, on your property.

All right, no, guys, you can't do this.

I've put up with a lot over the years 'cause I like you.

- Thank you. - DEL: Not you.

Late rent. No rent.

The property damage from the earthquake that somehow only hit this house.

Look, Del, the only reason we're having the whole wrestle thing is

so we can raise money to pay rent.

Del-zone. Come on.

You can't tell us you don't love wrestling.

Yeah, I loved wrestling, Adam, when I was 10, okay?

But I'm a grown-up now, with grown-up responsibilities.

I've got an ex-wife who's clamoring for alimony.

I've got a Cold Stone Creamery franchise that's tanking

due to a goddamn Pinkberry.

All right? It's taking all my business because everybody wants the

healthy, fresh-flavored, refreshing... Garbage.

Del, anything goes wrong in one of these matches, you're liable.

DEL: What show is this?

What is this?

Oh, this is our public access show.

Okay, all this has to stop.

The wrestling's over, guys. All right? I can't have anything else go wrong.

It's over.

Hey, Del-zone! Guess what?

We can't give the money back for Rentlemania or else we won't be able to afford...

My name isn't Del-zone.

My name is Del.

Del Jacobson.

- Not Del-hyphen-anything. - Deli platter.

No! No wrestling, or you're evicted,

because I own this place, okay?

You cannot own the land.

- What are you... I don't... - It's the wrestling thing.

Wow, it looks like the Rancho Cucamonga Front Yard Wrestling League

is about to experience a sad, quiet death.

I'm Bill Stephenson saying, if it's in Rancho,

we'll come and see it and talk about it.

(SINGING) He's insane

Think of all we've been through at this house, guys.

Remember our first kegger?

Not really. I passed out on that rock. I know that.

I remember the memories that you guys told me about that were yours.

This sucks.

Man, I thought our kids were gonna be born here.

I thought we were gonna die here, dude.

Wait, you thought we were, like, gonna get married

and then live here together with our wives and kids?

I thought that was the plan.

Whatever, man. We're screwed.

The WW and FY... Whatever...

FYCR.

Yeah. It's dead, man.

It's just... It's dead.

No, it's not.

Rentlemania is about to pop off and be

the nastiest wreffling match these people have ever seen.

(LAUGHS) You said, "Wreffling."

- Well, I'm just excited! - (LAUGHING)

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us today.

Unfortunately, I have some tragic news.

Adam DeMamp died this weekend. There will be no ladder match.

There will be no wrestling.

- ALL: Aw! - No!

This is outrageous. The crowd is going crazy.

- No wrestling today, Waymond. - MAN: No!

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

MONTEZ: What is that?

Adam DeMamp is gone! (HISSING)

Who the hell are you?

Oh, is he Catwoman? I'm not quite sure.

What is happening? Who?

That's right!

Adam DeMamp was killed this weekend,

saving hundreds of Maxim models from burning in a hotel alive.

He was also sleeping with a ton of them.

And then, his burned ashes were eaten

- by an insane little street kitten. - What?

But he then transformed!

I am...

(SCREECHING) Catam!

Hiss, hiss. Meow!

Holy smokes.

- Ladies and gentlemen, Catam is here. - (HISSING)

And that's all well and good, but

unfortunately, there's no one for you to wrestle because

in other and even more tragic news,

Eskimofo also died this weekend.

Okay, what is this? What's going on now?

- Yeah! That's right! Eskimofo is also dead. - Oh, my God.

I am Eracist!

What? Just enunciate.

E-racist. I am the Eracist. Right?

- Tell 'em. - We're not friends.

Okay, look, your boy stole 100 bucks from me the other day.

I'm gonna let that slide if you just say you're my friend, all right?

Just say it, do it. Do it.

- (DRYLY) We're friends. - Ah-ha! Yep!

You hear that? You heard it.

- All right. - And we are here together to destroy...

Erase... Racism.

Just like I'm about to erase you, Catam.

(CROWD CHEERING)

Uh-oh! It's a swing-in wrestle.

Kill him!

(CROWD CHEERING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(BOTH GRUNTING)

Oh!

Oh, boys?

Whoever gets that belt first will not only get the belt,

but you'll get something much, much more valuable.

My beautiful daughter's hand in marriage!

- No! - Yes.

No, you can't force me to marry anybody.

My heart belongs to Adam.

Adam is dead! You heard him.

I am a rich businessperson, and I command you to marry the winner of this match.

- No! - Yes.

DEL: There's not gonna be a winner, 'cause this match is over.

You three are evicted.

(SINGING) Scratch

Del, you can evict us all you want, but, urn...

I think we're gonna finish this match.

ADAM: Yeah! ALL: Yeah.

Not on my property, you're not.

MONTEZ: Oh, damn, Waymond, it just got real out here.

Have you ever seen anything like this?

Anders, do you think we should shut this down?

No, I don't, Montez.

In fact, I don't know why we should do anything this guy tells us to do.

Because I'm the lord of this land, and what... Oh!

Ooh, that... Ooh.

BLAKE: Adam, what are you doing, man?

He was gonna evict us anyway, right?

That doesn't mean we should kick his ass.

- DEL: Oh, no. - No, stop.

I'm the one who's gonna enjoy ass-kicking your dumb ass asses.

Huh? Oh!

Del, no! Oh, no!

Oh! A double clothesline!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

Yeah, boy!

(STRUGGLING)

Ahhh!

(SCREAMS)

Ahhh!

Oh, my God, he's going nuts. Straight beast mode, yo.

Break his hands, Blake!

I can't, man! His forearms are too strong!

He scoops so much ice cream.

- No, no. - What's up, you fat little turd?

You want some more of this? Huh?

You're a fat... You are!

- Ow! - JILLIAN: Adam.

PS, I'm taking your security deposit.

ADAM: Ow! CROWD: Boo!

Oh, yeah, I'm the bad guy. I'm the bad... All right, shut up.

Just shut up. Come here.

Tomorrow, 2:30 to 5:30, Cold Stone Creamery across from the junior high,

half off all Oreo Overloads and birthday cake remixes.

I'll be scooping it up personally.

Oh, what? What? You guys want that?

I'm gonna get your belt, and I'm gonna throw it in the trash!

MONTEZ: Oh, my goodness. Look what is happening now.

- Come on, give it to me. - Hey, give it to me.

MONTEZ: They're both reaching for the belt.

They're trying to get the belt. It's a slap fight. It looks like two bitches going at it.

- Del... - Come here!

Whoa.

MONTEZ: Oh, my goodness! Adam and Ders have slammed Del down on the table!

Whoo!

Who's the champ? Who--who?

MONTEZ: I can't even speak anymore, Waymond.

Do you have anything to say?

I mean, Waymond, did you see what just happened?

You all just made a huge mistake.

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Hey man, I might be a cat, but you're a pussy, dude!

- Poonanny! - Yeah!

Here we go, guys! TV event of the season.

I think we're gonna get, like, 500 viewers this time.

It was... It's just awesome, man.

We're really just going out on top.

I mean, I want them to play this one at my funeral.

- Yeah, totally. - I am the landlord!

- (ALL LAUGHING) - Hey, what's up, Del?

- Did it start yet? - BLAKE: You haven't missed it.

It's about to be the best part, your part.

Oh, yeah. Dude, here you come.

Yo, you were, like, terrifying.

I was legit scared.

Yeah, only 'cause you sold it so hard.

I think the audience bought it, though, right?

Yeah. I hope they bought it.

Considering you punched me in my nose.

I feel like it's broken. It hurts.

Yeah, yeah. Sorry about that.

It's just, I never really liked you,

so I had a shot, and I took it, you know?

(LAUGHS) Yeah! Yeah, right!

DEL: No, that's totally for real.

(LAUGHING) You guys don't think it's funny?

Yeah, right, Deli meat here doesn't freaking love me.

Right. Sure.

- Shut up, okay? - (LAUGHS) Okay.

Yeah, I get that.

Hey, anyway, thanks for letting me in on it.

I had so much fun. And I think after my plug hits the air,

my Cold Stone's gonna be blowing up.

Hmm, you know what else is about to blow up?

Your brain, dude, 'cause we got your rent right here.

Oh, thanks, man.

You know, the next month's rent's due in two days, right?

ALL: Yeah, yeah. Uh-huh.

Oh! A different world!

Shake your belly. Ooh.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Karl and homeless Mike.

We taking over this planet, baby.

We taking over the planet.

Ripped By mstoll