Original subtitles

- ♪ That's why I'm rollin' with my guild three deep ♪

♪ You can try and creep to this wizard thug ♪

♪ But you're gonna catch a motherfucking lightning slug ♪

- ♪ Don't make this wizard mad ♪

♪ Don't make this wizard pissed ♪

♪ I could kill a hill giant with a flick of my wrist ♪

♪ Go ahead, dude, give it a try ♪

♪ Motherfucker, wizards can't die ♪

- ♪ Poof, pow, surprise ♪

♪ What's with your eyes ♪

♪ You're so hypnotized ♪

♪ Step to me, I'll make you cry ♪

♪ We wizards never die ♪

Hoo-ha!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Cut! Cut! Cut. Cut. - What?

- Why are you ripping your shirt off?

- Okay, why aren't you guys ripping your shirt off?

We're trying to get people excited, right?

The world needs to see the madness

that is my upper torso, okay?

- Whatever, man.

And what is up with you,

Miss Pouting Princess in the corner?

Where is your head at?

I mean, come on, the Ren Faire is in two weeks.

And we are opening for Mike "The Throat" Davenport.

He is the premier sword swallower in the county!

- I get that, but this entire thing

is completely disrespectful to the rap game.

- [laughs] Are-are you being for real?

- I'm as real as the streets, okay?

And I'm not about to whore out my rap skillz,

with a Z,

to some adult nerds gone wild.

- Yeah, Ders, but these adult nerds

have huge adult-nerd boobs, dude.

- Okay, remember high school drama nerds?

Those girls had some big ole boobs, right?

- Yeah, yeah, they did. - You got me back, and I'm back.

- Hey! Guys!

What part of Irwindale Renaissance Pleasure Faire

sounds like a joke to you guys?

Huh?

Okay, look.

I want you guys to start acting your age!

All right?

Which is 4,178 years old.

[shouting] If you would have even bothered

to crack the players handbook open

that I left on your bed, Anders!

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

[music playing softly]

- Ah, this guy's really putting the "work" in work out, huh?

- Yeah.

- I respect his commitment, though.

It's cool.

- Did he just bring those from home?

- Oh, yeah.

And the wizard beats, he says they make him stronger,

which... they do.

- That, I understand. - Yeah.

- Mind if I light up?

- Free country.

Ahh.

Ahh.

Whew.

- Who's that lady? Why is she just standing there?

- That's Sharon Livanos. She owns the building.

What the fuck is he doing?

- Uh, we're on a stress break.

We had a super-busy morning,

so we're just cuttin' loose.

- Yeah, I mean, we were really pulling our hair out.

But I'm sure he'll be done in a minute

and get in here, flex that sales muscle for you.

- Do they know each other? Have they met?

Oh, my- - Okay!

- Jesus Christ. - Wow.

- Oh, my gosh, is that a over-the-pants handy?

- Oh.

- Yeah.

- Whoa.

- Yeah, Adam.

Uh, you're just-you're missing wizard rehearsal again.

So I'm just kind of worried sick about you,

wondering where you are.

So-oh, here you are. You are here.

You're- you're here in person.

I'll talk to you... now.

Hey. - Dude, what the hell?

Where have you been? It's been, like, three days.

- Have you guys ever met someone

that just gets you on all levels,

makes you feel like your souls are boning each other

in the spirit world?

- Are you talking about that super-old lady

from the roof?

- Sharon is as old as my mom is.

And her and my dad have sex on the regular.

Oh, and, "fwi,"

I'm in love.

I did it.

So I'm gonna be moving out.

- Okay, it's not not "fwi."

It's FYI, "for your information."

- Okay, Ders.

I know how to spell, all right?

And in the 75 hours that I've known Sharon,

she's done more for me and my bodybuilding career...

[whispering] than you guys ever have.

- Dude, you can't just move out.

What about rent?

- Yeah, what about, uh, the wizards,

Rm Fafinwa?

- You guys should come over sometime.

We've been thinking of doing some more entertaining.

Oh, and "fwi," Ders...

We've got a great pool.

[motorcycle engine revs]

- Huh!

Wow, he's really doing this.

So what are we thinking?

- I'm thinking we got to break these two up.

Lover boy is in for a rude awakening.

- Rude!

- All right, here's the deal.

I'm gonna get in there, seduce Sharon Old Norse style,

bed her down, and Adam will never want a piece of her again.

- Wait. Why do you always get to seduce the girls?

- Because I have no emotions.

You'll let your heart get in the way.

You know that. - Yeah, that's true.

I can't just love 'em and leave 'em.

Never could.

Actually, I've never had the opportunity yet.

- Sharon,

my work friends are here!

- Hey, buddy.

These are for you.

- Thank you. - Wow, lookin' good.

- Thank you! Let me show you in.

'Cause this pad is... [deep voice] sick!

- He looks Asian. Wow. - He looks somethin'.

[soft piano music]

- Whee! Welcome to my house!

Cool pad, right?

We're just thinking of knocking some walls out this bitch,

just really making it our own, you know what I mean?

It was her house. Now it's gonna be our house.

So we kind of have to adjust to that whole sitch.

- Hey, buddy, someday, I hope I have a house like this.

- Keep dreamin'. Takes a lot of hard work.

So I doubt you're ready for it, but...

- Where's this little pond you call a pool?

- Pool? Right out here. Guess what.

Sharon has this dude that comes, cleans it...

weekly.

Let's go check it out.

- No! Hey, wait. - Hang on.

- Why don't you let Ders hit the pool?

You need to show me the rest of this house, if that's okay.

- Oh, you want the "el touro de la grando", huh?

- I think so.

- That's Spanish. I'm learning Spanish.

- I'm gonna check out the pool.

- Spanish-style, Spanish-style home.

- I'll see you guys.

- And this is the bedroom,

where the magic happens.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho! - Yeah, a lot of magic.

Lots 0' magic.

Careful, this door handle's a little loose.

Why? 'Cause of magic.

Magic happened on this step

and some magic here.

So this is her son's bedroom,

AKA Magic Town.

I get up something like this

and just do a lot of magic this way.

Oh, what do you think that smell is, Blake?

- Magic. - Nope, turkey bacon.

Good guess, though.

[lounge music playing]

♪♪

- Hey, legs, Anders Holmvik,

junior national champion, 2005.

How's it going?

- Oh. You work for Adam, right?

- [laughs]

'Work." Is that what he said?

That's great.

No, I'm like a, uh...

father figure to the kid.

- Hmm. - Some yard you got here.

You ever see any butterflies?

[Water splashing]

You see that?

I just flipped off that.

Whoo!

You got that butterfly joke, right?

- Yeah, I don't swim, so...

- Well, it's never too late to learn.

- Okay, but I'm taking my drink with me.

- Deal.

- And this right here is my office.

This is where Daddy comes to work!

- Oh, ho! Yeah, it is.

Welcome to the muscle factory. - Mm-hmm.

Got your wizard beats right here.

Using them for the bodybuilding competition.

Just gettin' swole with it, brotha.

- Cool of you to disrespect the wizard beats like that.

That's not what they're for.

- Yeah? Well, I'm using 'em.

Let's go to the pool

and see what Ders is up to, right?

- No! Hey, wait.

Why don't you show me how this guy works, huh?

- No! Come on, dude. - Oh, shoot.

- What did I say'? This is my toolshed.

These are my tools, and you throw them on the ground?

- I thought it was your office. - It's both, all right?

- Show me how these tool/office supplies work, bud.

- Okay. This is my pen.

And this is my wrench.

Uhhaah! - Woof!

- Sometimes I like to keep the windows open

and just scream loud so, like, people think

we're having sex or working out.

They're not sure.

It's just real guttural noises, like, "Uhh!

"Uhhuhh!

Ooohh!"

- Very cool. - Mm-hmm.

- Don't worry. I'm gonna be gentle.

You just arch your back. Lean back.

Take a deep breath.

- Are you trying to seduce me?

- I'm trying to "se-Ders" you.

- Uhhaah!

Oh! Hello!

Legs, heh-heh.

Bungee cord does the trick.

I'll say that much.

They say your calves are 75% genetics.

But, uh, you know,

evidently my Grandpa DeMamp was a total pussy.

The guy was not svelte.

- I don't know if I should-

- So I have a lot of work to do before the competition.

I'll figure something out. - You sure about this?

- Yeah, make sure you get low, dude.

Get in that power squat. - Okay.

- And then just stay low to the ground.

Work on your stems, know what I mean?

- Yeah.

- Wonder if Ders is diggin' the pool.

- Oh, no, you probably shouldn't-

- Whoo! - Okay-

- What the hell?

Holmvik! - Adam, don't.

- Ders!

- No, wait. Hold up. You shouldn't-

Okay! God damn-

Ders! He's coming!

Do her quick!

- Anders Holmvik!

Guess what, dude. We're gonna fight now.

Are you ready for that?

- Uh, I'm kind of in the middle of a lesson right now.

- Okay, well, I'm kind of in the middle

of destroying your whole face.

- Move your legs like an egg beater.

- Are you a man, Anders?

- You are frickin' dead, boy!

You are so dead. - Bring it.

- You are so dead, dude. - Okay, hold the phone.

You are fully torqued, bro.

- Well, yeah, I was about to bone that lady!

- Ohh. - Yeah, okay, yes.

But you're gonna have to untorque your bone

before we can continue anything.

I think everybody knows that it's an unwritten rule:

warriors cannot collide while erect.

- Fine. - Fine.

- Take five. - Crank down.

- Crank it down.

- I mean, it's a great backyard.

- Yeah, it's pretty nice.

Thinking about putting a koi pond over there.

- You got the room for it. - Waterfall.

- Might as well. - Yeah.

- And the bonefs down! Fight!

- Ohh! Come on!

Yeah, baby!

Yeah, baby, what?

- Whoa! - Oh, yeah.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! - Choker, choker.

- Break it up! Break it up! Break it up!

- What? - What?

- You guys both have boners now.

What is going on? - Wow!

It's contagious, dude!

You're too fleshy. Put on a shirt.

- This guys smells great.

It's like a coconut oil. What is that?

- Thank you. It's my tanning cream.

- Oh! Boners are down.

- I'm gonna ruin you, man.

- I'm gonna straight do what I came here to do.

- I'm gonna straight wreck you!

- You're gonna die at my feet, you small-minded-

- Okay, I've got a boner. - I got one too.

Soon as I said, "my feet," it was like...

- Yeah, all the blood just sort of-

That happened to me too. That's what's weird about it.

- That's cool. - This is really weird.

- You know what? We're not gonna fight right now.

That's official.

I'm torqued. You're torqued right now.

But I know you can leave.

You can leave my house and respect my woman.

That's what you can do. - Fine.

- Leave. - Gladly.

- Well, I have a little announcement

for you, sir, because you broke the blood oath,

and I want you to leave our wizard crew.

- What? Yeah. Like I care.

- And I'm taking the beats back.

- Ah, don't take the beats. - Yeah.

- No, don't take the beats.

Oh! Don't take the beats!

I'm super sad about the beats!

I don't care, dude,

because I have a bodybuilding competition on the same day.

And that's more important to me

than dressing up like a fairy wizard.

- Wow. - You know what, man?

It did not have to go like this.

We're out of here.

- You're such a dumb idiot!

- Wow, okay.

I don't care.

I hope this goes away soon.

You infected me with your boner.

- We are going to be just fine.

Okay? We do not need Adam.

- Oh, no. We're great. We're awesome, heh.

Just the two of us. Best roommates ever.

Nothing's gonna change.

- Nope.

- Nothing is going to change!

It's not changing, buddy. - I know. I got that.

You're in the back. Okay.

Blake! Beer me, dude!

- One for big Ders and one for little Adam.

- Wait!

- ♪ Oh, what a friend I have in you ♪

♪ I hope you feel the way I do ♪

- Ohh! Suck it!

- ♪ A good best friend in you ♪ - Shh.

- So...

just two dudes in a Jacuzzi.

- Yeah.

- This is not working.

- No, this is not working at all.

We got to get a new roommate.

- Hew

- Karl! - How's it going, blazer?

Hey, look, thanks for having me over, guys.

I'm ready to, uh, join human society one more time.

Call this couch.

Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop!

Surprise sandwich!

- [laughs]

- Blake, I never agreed to this.

- Oh, my gosh, I'm so starving.

I'm so starving. I'm so starving.

- Hey, left arm, how ya doin'?

Oh, you're gettin' so much stronger.

Right arm, you're kind of looking weak over there, buddy.

- My office, five minutes.

Brush your teeth, cut your fingernails,

and powder your balls.

- I might even floss for you.

[high-pitched voice] Whaaat?

- Ohh! Yeah, that's it.

We're done. Thank you.

- Wow, that was- that was exhausting.

My jaw hurts pretty bad.

It was- ah, that was fun, though.

That was, like, intimate.

You were right up in here, so...

- Wait. Where's that going? Where's that-keep-

- I'm taking it off. It's like-it hurts pretty-

- Yeah, that's okay. You'll form a callus.

It's supposed to happen. Keep it on. Be tough.

- ORGY-

“ [sighs]

- Hey, maybe next time, we can use the strap-on

that God gave me, my...

pants.

- Pass. Pass.

No. - In my...

- Just gonna get 'em taken up a little bit.

- I appreciate all your hard work.

- Hey, guys, check out my new wizard costume.

What's up?

- Karl, we're not barbarians. What are you doing?

You're dressed like some kind of goddamn farm shaman.

- No, I'm a high priest.

- Whoo! And I won!

Yeah, baby, I wasn't even racin' anyone,

but I would have won if I were.

- I'd just like you to know that you are trespassing,

all right, and we are gonna just assume

that you are an intruder at this point.

- Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm just here to get some clean shirts for work.

So if you wouldn't mind excusing me.

- Hey, watch the candles.

- Oh, Jesus, Karl.

- That's pretty cool, right? - You know what?

I think it's super cute

that you guys are taking this whole wizard/caveman thing

so seriously.

I really do. Yoooo!

- Well, we are, and guess what.

Karl is taking the wizards to a whole new level.

- Yeah. - That's right.

Speaking of that level, guys,

did I show you my crossbow?

- You're ruining my life.

- Okay, so remember, wizards are immortal.

So they pretty much see everything they've ever loved

pass away before them.

- Uh- - All right?

Sad. But it's raw.

Use that emotion, okay?

- Cool, cool. - Thanks.

- Awesome. Karl, go ahead and hit it.

- Absolutely. - Okay.

- Oh. The CD is gone.

- [whispering] Adam.

[band playing America the Beautiful]

- Whoo! Let's do this, boys!

Lookin' swole. Lookin' good.

Good luck out there. I believe in all of us.

We're all gonna-we're all gonna take a trophy home.

- Are you the mascot for the competition or something?

Is that what you're doing here?

- Are you the mascot for the competition or something?

Do we have beef already, dude?

- All right, well,

just be careful out there, all right?

- Careful? I never am.

[triumphant music playing]

Whoo!

Aggh.

- Welcome to the Tri-Valley

Amateur Bodybuilders Competition.

Give it up for our contenders!

[triumphant music]

[light applause]

- Dude, that's Barry.

I sold that guy a garbage bag full of growth hormones.

Hey, you're lookin' huge, Barry!

- Wow, this is pathetic.

Adam looks like a baby man up there.

- Let's focus here.

Let's just get the beats and then get out of here.

We are, like, three hours away from performing

in front of horses and knights.

- Uh, I think we're gonna stay for the solo.

This is gonna get interesting.

[heavy metal music playing]

♪♪

- Hyuaaah!

- ♪ He's insane ♪

[rock music playing]

♪♪

- Hey, Share-bear, it's me.

Don't see you out there.

About to smash my solo,

win an awesome bodybuilding trophy.

You're gonna be so proud of me.

All right. - Thank you, Barry.

- Hope you're on your way. Miss you. See you soon. Okay.

- Please welcome to the stage our next contestant.

He's 5'8",

weighing in at 240 pounds.

Well, that can't be right.

Uh, Adam "The Snake Roberts" DeMamp!

" Unh!

- All right. - Here we go.

[slow hip-hop music playing]

♪♪

- Rahr!

Mm! Mm!

Mm! Mm! Mm! Mm!

[imitating machine gun fire]

- You know what?

I stand corrected.

The guy is a showman.

- His body is lookin' tight.

- [blowing sharply]

Rooh!

[laughter]

- Okay, that's... not good.

- What are you laughing at?

I'm yoked!

- Don't laugh at my friend.

Okay? Only I laugh at my friend.

He's got, like, ten times more of the bravery than you.

I don't-l don't see you with your shirt off.

You probably got big, dark nipples!

Adam, you keep doing what you're doing, bud.

No, no, no. They're laughing out of respect.

It's a respect laugh!

Howie Mandel gets them all the time!

-

Quit your cryin'.

- We're here to make it better.

You're going back out there.

- I'm so sorry I bailed on you guys.

[whispering] But I can't go back out there.

They hate me. - It's okay, man.

You got to go back out there, though...

with us.

- ♪ I'm a wizard, bitch ♪

♪ You can't defeat me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a Predator 2 a'

♪ Like Danny Glover on the GT ♪

♪ And when I rap, son ♪

♪ I cast spells ♪

♪ And when I'm bangin' yo' wench ♪

♪ I make it rain like hells ♪

- ♪ You know who it be ♪

♪ It's that crazy-ass mage ♪

♪ Walkin' out the goblin fortress ♪

♪ With my loaded 12-gauge ♪

♪ I be flyin' on a dragon ♪

♪ You be ridin' in a rental ♪

♪ While you dance up in the club ♪

♪ I summon blizzard elemental ♪

- ♪ Straight out of Mordor ♪

♪ Four more wizards come to your door ♪

♪ Don't step to us ♪

♪ 'Cause we the number one sorcerers ♪

♪ Pour more of that maiden-bangin' potion ♪

♪ Pop the dragon into three-legged motion ♪

♪ Now we coastin' ♪

- ♪ Yeah ♪

- Whoo! - Whoo!

- Whoo! - Thank you!

- Thank you! Thank you!

- Thanks. - Heads up.

- I appreciate it. Thank you very much, guys.

- Whoo-hoo!

- Ooh, I think it's safe to say

you guys murdered it in there.

- Yeah, I like your passion,

but an overall note:

maybe just do it better for me next time, okay?

- Okay. - I'm sorry. You know what?

I've been so critical lately. I got to chill.

- Dude, forget it. This guy got a trophy.

We're all good.

- Hey, I'm sorry all my awesome muscles

got in the way of our friendship for a while.

I'm not gonna let it happen again.

You hear that?

- I'm just happy to be a part of it, finally.

- No, Karl, you're out.

He's in. You're out. - Yeah, yeah.

- Makes sense. - Sorry, Karl.

- Oh, here comes Sharon.

- Hop on, monkey.

- You missed the most important moment of my life.

- Come on, babe. Get on the bike.

I've got a plane waiting for us.

We're going to Iowa to fuck in the mud.

Hmm?

- It's okay.

You want a life with Sharon,

we support you.

- Yeah. Go for it, man.

She's hot. I jerked it to her last night.

You were great, by the way. - Always am.

- Sharon, I'd love to go to the East Coast with you.

I really would, but...

I'm not gonna get on that bike.

We're through.

- Fine. You're up. Come on, dude.

- Me? - Yeah.

- Whoo! Let's roll!

Sayonara, boys.

- Ooh, uh, you smell like water trash.

I've changed my mind. Get off.

- Fine. - Sorry, just...

- Makes sense.

- [whispering] Jesus.

- Sharon, I hated chindoing you anyways!

It was weird!

It's chindo.

It's, like, a thing that you strap on to your-

- Hey, man,

if you don't want to tell us, you don't have to.

We'll just Google it later.

- Times of friendship.

You guys are my best friends. - Forever.

" Uhh!

- Ah, dude, Ders, you got a boner.

- Ohh! - So do I.

- Sorry, GUYS-

- Nice!

[dog snorting, party horn blows]