Original subtitles

[pencil sharpener meows]

- Oh, yeah, for sure, dude. Everyone's gonna be there.

Yeah, we went to Spencer's Gift and, like, spent, like, $60.

So we are set. We've got lights.

Bring whoever you want, man. We don't care.

We're inviting everybody.

I'll talk to you late-ro. Peace.

- Big party 'tonight, huh?

I guess my invitation got lost in the mail.

- Uh, you should stop by, dude.

- Do you want me there or not?

What is this? This ain't Seinfeld.

I don't just pop in.

You know what? Fuck y'all!

Let me know when that antivirus finish scanning.

Should be like 20 minutes.

- You guys ready to get weird tonight or what?

- Fur sure.

- Ho-ho! Lookin' straight grizzly.

- Bitch better have my honey!

- Oh. Ooh. Bear puns. I like those.

- Dude, I can't believe you spent

your entire paycheck on that jacket.

- Well, I didn't spend my entire paycheck.

I made $350, and Karl gave me a deal on the coat.

$345.

- That's good. That's a good deal.

- So you saved 5 bucks. Way to go.

- Well, I invested my savings in a little bottle of Ipecac.

It's the stuff that makes you barf.

- Smart move.

- Basically a get-out-of-work-free pass.

- Yeah, it makes you barf, dude,

'cause nothing makes me barf.

It's weird. I've got a stomach of steel.

- Adam, scientists developed that.

It would make you vomit.

- Because scientists made this. - Yeah.

- Who believes in scientists, dude?

Let me give this a little testeroo.

Hmm. That's weird.

Definitely don't feel like barfing right now.

Oh, wait. Ugh! No, I'm barfing.

Ugh! I'm barfing right now. I'm not barfing.

- Okay. - Wait. I'm barfing.

Ugh! I'm barfing.

Those scientists better check their hypotenuses, dude.

Oh, God.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- Sorry, bro.

- Reading has never came easy for me so...

- That doesn't matter. - Whoa.

- I need your help, guys.

- Dude, if you are too drunk to get your shirt back on-

- Stop it, dude. We were having an ab contest.

And I won.

- Obviously.

- Chelsea Neiderdeppy's here, okay?

And I invite her to all the parties that we throw

but she never comes.

And she came tonight.

- Right. Awesome.

Who is Kelsey Neider...

- Chelsea Neiderdeppy, dude. It's the third love of my life.

- Third love. - Yeah, third love, dude.

You don't know third love?

Think of it-it's like Shrek, you know?

The first two are cute and funny,

but this third one sucked dick.

- Ha. Yours? - No.

Man! Let's do this right now.

Shortest to tallest.

Make me look cool, please?

- Course. - Do my best.

- All right.

Who are those old dudes?

- Can you touch your elbows behind your back?

- Sweetie, no.

- Why don't you go get 1980s jock style

on those dudes, please?

- All right. - Thank you.

- Ooh-hoe, Ders effect.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, you can get me another beer.

- Ha-ha. Actually, we can't,

because we ran out of beers ten minutes ago.

So why don't you guys tell that story Walken,

Christopher.

Ho ho ho ho! Yeah. Slam.

What's up, Chels?

- FYI, jerk-off, we lived in this house

from '88 to '92,

so we've got a lifetime party pass.

You know the deal. Beer it up.

- All right, I don't think you get it, grandpa.

- No? - I swam varsity in college.

I went 20 point in the 50, okay?

- Mm-hmm. - I can fight without breathing.

- Yeah, and I tried out for the high school wrestling team.

And guess what. I almost made it too.

But they said being a mascot was more my skill set.

Go, Patriots. Right?

- So when you guys are 69ing it,

does Captain Caveman crank it in the corner?

- Oh, ho-ho-ho, okay.

If we do this, there's gonna be two hits.

Me hitting you,

and Kid Rock's Bawitdaba playing in the background.

Ders, you have that cued up, right?

- Yeah. - Mm-hmm.

- Clark, come on. They want us to go.

So we'll leave.

All you got to do is make us.

- [laughs] - [laughs]

- Don't you think we would've done that

if we could have?

I would fight them, dude,

but they've probably got old man strength,

and I can't handle that.

Not now, I'm tipsy right now.

- Dude, I said 20 point, and they didn't even flinch.

Phelps changed everything.

- Dudes, we're being jerks.

These are guests in our house.

Maybe we should bring them something to drink, huh?

- Whoo! Flyin' in.

Drinks for the girls.

- Whoo. - Sorry about earlier.

We really got off to a rough start.

- Yes, we did.

And we think it's really cool

that you guys used to live here.

- Yeah. - And, uh, this one's yours.

- May our casa always be your casa.

- Yeah.

- What do you say we guys,

uh, do some Jägerbombs, huh?

- Let's bomb this hospital!

[all cheering]

- Ah! Wha-wha!

- Ah. Whoo!

- You guys are-you guys are all right.

You guys are all right.

- You're down. You're down.

Very down. - Nice.

- You guys feeling okay? - What's wrong, guys?

Maybe we should clear a little path here.

- [retches] - Whoa!

- Clear a path. Clear a path. It's about to get graphic.

- And stay out! - Oh, ho-ho-ho!

- Yes.

- So glad you guys got rid of them.

It was getting weird in here.

- Yeah, those are the kind of parties we like to throw,

weird ones.

Not like the lame ones

when we were in high school together, you know?

- You went to my high school? - Yeah.

We were-we went- we went to high school together.

She's joking. - Really?

- We saw 2 Fast 2 Furious together.

I had that hilarious seatbelt joke.

There was, like, 30 of us. I was like a row back.

I had Milk Duds. - I'm sorry. I don't remember.

- The lights went down.

I went, "Hey, Paul Walker, click it or ticket!"

- No, I mean, I don't remember you.

- We should go. That's-that was-

- No, no. What?

Don't. You don't have to go.

Let's talk, uh, let's talk Clippers.

- You're a fan?

- Yeah, love the whole Clip show.

Got season tickets, so...

- Really'? - Yeah.

- Are you going to the game tomorrow?

'Cause, I mean, if you're not,

we would love to buy the tickets off of you.

- Oh, no. I'm going.

We should all go as a- as a team, as a squad.

- Oh, we can take my Escalade.

Everyone will fit in there.

- You have an Escalade?

Uh, ESV extended or EXT pickup?

- Ooh, it's white and really shiny.

You should see it.

- Oh, no, I've seen it.

I've built it, like, 100 times on the internet.

- Oh, my God, this is gonna work out perfect.

So let's just go in my room, grab some booze,

and talk deets or whatnot.

- Uh, I'm sorry, the puke is kind of burning my eyes.

Let's just- let's talk tomorrow.

- No doubt. No doubt.

And what beautiful eyes they are to burn, milady.

Hamlet. It's page seven or eight.

I'm not sure. - Okay.

- Yeah, no doubt. All right. No doubt.

No doubt. No doubt. You want a coat?

You need some help walking to your car or what have you?

- Thank you. - Okay.

- I'll see you. - All right, see you later.

Ho-ho! - Boom, boom, boom, boom.

What? What? What?

- Is this real? Is this real?

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- Oh, something stinks in there, man.

Gosh, we have to get tickets to that Clippers game, man.

You know who's gonna be there.

- Yeah, my one and only third love.

Chelsea Neiderdeppy.

- No. My childhood hero and season ticket holder

to all Clippers games, Marc Summers.

- Oh, Double Dare. Slimin'.

- Uh, Double Dare, Family Double Dare,

Super Sloppy Double Dare, What Would You Do?

Unwrapped.

Do I need to continue?

- We can get Clippers tickets.

Montez, that guy, he's got tickets to, like,

every show ever.

- Yeah, he went to Michael Jackson's funeral.

- He had fourth row seats. - Uh-huh.

- He said he, like, felt Usher's tears.

- Guys, there's no way Montez is going to help us out

after we didn't invite him to the party.

He was pretty salty.

- Ah, damn it!

We've got to get those tickets somehow, you know?

If we do, I'll have Chelsea right where I had her

in high school.

- Nice. - Where was that again?

- Like three lockers down from me.

You had to walk around the corner.

- Oops. - Oh, no.

- We're good.

- Where's Blake?

Blake! Let's go! [honking horn]

- [scatting]

♪♪

- I don't know how we're going to get

these tickets tonight.

- Well, actually, I have a pretty good idea.

I'm going to give them a-

- I-I-I called them last night. They're sold out.

- Dang it, you know?

If I were to just plan a little better.

Wait. No.

We'll go to the Staples Center in the Escalade.

- I like it. - Call in a bomb threat, right?

The game will get pushed for a day.

Then we'll trick those chicks

into staying at a hotel room with us,

get real physical with them,

so hard that they won't even remember the game

in the first place.

It'll be like Dorothy

at the end of the Wizard of Oz.

Instead of clicking heels,

we'll be knockin' boots!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah-ah-ah!

- You're so scary. You know that, right?

- My dad had a lot of Penthouses growing up.

[male radio announcer speaking Spanish]

Clippers tickets. Free, free, free!

- Clippers tickets?

Ay, caramba. Yes!

[man speaking Spanish]

- Nice!

- Yo, amigo. What's the deal?

- It's a contest to win Clipper tickets

and a gift card at Jamba Juice.

You ever have that Razzmatazz with that Immunity Boost?

- Okay, sorry, um, what's the contest?

- Whoever holds their breath the longest

in that horchata tank wins.

[man speaking Spanish]

- Can't believe you keep your speedo in the trunk, dude.

- Yeah, well, never know when there might be

a swim-ergency.

- Ooh. I like that.

- Wait a second, so what is horchata, exactly?

- It's like a refreshing Mexican lemonade.

Oh. No, no, no.

This is not what I thought it was.

Oh, my-smells like-

that smells like cat farts.

That smells exactly like a cat's fart.

Your time to shine. Physical challenge.

- I don't think I want to do it anymore.

- Oh, come on. You got this, boy. Yeah!

- Let's go, Ders. - Escalade. Escalade.

Escalade. Escalade. Whew.

- Hey, hey,¿como te llamas?

What's your name?

- Anders Holmvik.

- Ahai! Let's give it up for Andreas!

- Yeah! - Yeah! Andreas! Yeah!

- Yeah! - Andreas, let's go!

- [retches] Oh, my God.

- 20 point. Come on, bud. You got this!

- I never went 20 point. - Suck it up, dude!

My third love's on the line. Let's go!

- She didn't even know you existed.

- Did the world know Ludacris could act?

- What? - Huh?

2 Fast 2 Furious, bro.

He murdered it.

Start the clock. Start it.

- Go, Ders! - What's the time to beat?

- Hey, you can't hold him under, gringo.

That's against the rules. - Okay.

- Are you crazy? - Crazy in love, Anders.

Blake, let's go!

- But what about-

- Blake, you're my best friend in the world,

and I need you here with me now.

Let's go!

Well, this is probably the saddest day of my life,

'cause I'm not gonna know what me and Chelsea's

little Neiderdeppy babies are gonna look like

'cause they're not gonna be born, man.

And that's on you.

- You're basically an abortion time cop.

- Yeah, dude.

- Adam, you almost drowned me this morning.

Not that you could, because I can't be drowned.

- Drowned? It's drown-ded, man.

- What's the plan?

'Cause I need to meet Marc Summers.

- Dude, who cares?

I'm trying to ride in an Escalade.

Have you seen an Escalade up close?

Let's just bite the bullet, go ask Montez.

- Don't you think we should've done that earlier?

But you wasted everybody's time this morning

with your whole, "I can't get in horchata. "

Montez, that mustache is looking good, dude.

Sharp.

- Yeah, if I could grow that, I would show that.

- Yeah, we're like the Mario Brothers.

- You know what? Just say it.

Y'all need tickets.

'Cause why else would you ever come talk to Montez?

You never come say, "Hey, hello.

"How was your weekend?

Did you enjoy your son's cello recital?"

- First of all, I do hope

you enjoyed your son's cello recital.

I bet it was Yo-Yo Ma-velous.

- But you mentioned something about tickets.

That's funny.

Uh, we're in the market for, uh, Clippers tickets

if you happen to have some.

- And there it is.

You know what? I got your damn tickets.

I want face value,

and I gots to have that bear coat.

- No, I will be buried in this coat, sir.

- Okay, well, I need a favor.

- Name it. Whatever.

- All right, me and the old lady

going to Seaworld this weekend

to get our wedding vows renewed.

I need somebody to come over and take care of her cats.

You can come up after work and pick up these tickets.

- Montez, pulling through again.

Consider it done. Cats sat.

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- This zit cream is starting to burn my face.

- That means it's working, Ders.

Blake, we need you to go over to Montez's,

get the tickets.

- [sighs] Right now?

The blue team's about to play Pie in Your Pants

for a Sega Genesis.

- Who cares? Have you seen this whitehead?

Can you please deal with this reality'?

- Okay, Blake, here's the deal, brother.

Ders is looking like garbage per uzhe, right?

And I'm in the middle of a monster shave.

It's totally ridiculous. The follicles are this large.

It's like a Tootsie Roll.

And I need you, my best friend in the world,

who I truly care about on some real levels,

to go to Montez's and get those tickets.

[whispers] For me. Your best friend.

[comically suspenseful music]

♪♪

- Hello? [dog barks]

No way! [crowds cheering on TV]

Ho-ho. [rubbing hands together]

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah. Yes!

- Yo, Blake. Which puka shell necklace?

Classic? Shark tooth?

- I don't know. - Did you get the tickets?

- I don't want to talk about it. - What happened?

- Look, I didn't get the tickets, okay'?

- Look at me.

Jesus.

You saw dick, didn't you?

Didn't you? - Yeah.

It was Montez's. And he saw me.

And there was a lot of screaming and running, and I just-

- Shhhhhh.

It's okay. It's okay, bro.

Who cares? Get in here.

We've all seen penises

we weren't supposed to see, right?

When I was in the Boy Scouts,

I accidentally saw Ryan Ko's penis

on a canoeing trip.

- Really'? - Yeah.

I couldn't look at him. He couldn't look at me.

We were best friends, bro,

and we couldn't even be in the same room together.

You know why? - Why?

- 'Cause there was an imbalance in our relationship.

- So what'd you do? - I found a balance, dude.

I showed that kid my penis

and restored order to the universe.

It's called the Boy Scout rule of Ds.

And it always works.

You've got to show Montez your penis.

- That makes so much sense to me.

- Right? - Hey, how are the seats?

- Uh, actually, Montez wasn't home,

so we just got to make one quick stop before the game.

[horn honks] - It's here. Ha-ha!

The Escalade is here!

- HEY-

Make sure he sees the whole thing.

I'm counting on you. - All right.

- Hey, Anders. - Wow. Looking good.

- Oh, thanks. You look really good too.

- She is a real beaut.

What's the lip on these rims? - I'm not sure.

Hey, so you excited for the game?

- White's a little too Boca for my taste, but I'll deal.

Uh, yeah, super ready.

We just got to pick up the tickets on the way.

So we'll make the shoot quick. - The what?

- The photo shoot.

[hip-hop music]

♪♪

- Okay, let's go. Come on.

- Shotgun. Called it.

- Chelsea's with me. Chelsea's with me.

[knocks at door]

- Uh, is your dad home?

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- Here, doggy. Nice kitty.

Come to Daddy. I have a little-

- Okay. Okay. Let's go. Go. Go. Go.

- Is everything okay? - Ha. Yes. Everything is fine.

Everything went totally normally.

Drive the car, sweetheart.

I don't want to miss a second of the game.

- Open this door! Okay, Junior!

Get my pistol!

- Man, I'm loving these headrests.

Neck support's unreal.

- Oh, does your neck hurt?

Because I could rub it for you.

- No, I said my neck's fine.

Can you not hear me?

Because the acoustics on an Escalade

are supposed to be peerless.

- It's funny how life works out, you know?

It's not every day you get a second chance at third love.

- What? - Hmm? What?

Blake, game's gonna be awesome, right?

- Yes. Yes.

The, uh, game should be quite enjoyable.

But, I mean, we're having a pretty good time right now.

And, uh, you know, no matter what the future holds,

no matter who wins or loses,

or if we even see the game- maybe we won't-

I mean, uh, we have had a blast in the car today.

I didn't get the tickets.

- Did you show him the whole thing?

- You don't have the tickets?

Why didn't you tell us

before we drove all the way down here?

- Yeah, well, I was going to,

but I had to show Montez my penis

to restore order to the universe.

Then his little kid is staring into my dong.

And I'm, like, "Take a picture.

It might last longer."

- Okay, out. Everybody out.

We're going home.

- Wait, no, I didn't have anything to do with this.

Can I please stay? - Oh, I would.

But you're a huge douche bag,

and you smell like rotten milk.

- Where is this coming from? - Get out.

- I am so sorry about this.

This whole dick thing should've worked.

I've done it personally like seven times.

So if you just let me explain- - Out now.

- Okay. Sure. All righty.

If you just let me explain myself,

I could explain this whole thing, you know?

- Yeah. Oh, yeah? Really'?

- It's a pretty funny story, actually.

- Oh, as funny as your seatbelt joke?

- You do remember.

Okay, well, see you at the reunion then.

- Who wears a puka shell necklace?

- It's from high school.

I was trying to make you remember.

Soul mates.

- So do you guys want to hitchhike?

'Cause personally, I think it's worth the risk.

- Shut up, Blake.

You ruined my life,

and now you're no longer my best friend.

Ders, you're in. Can you handle this?

- Yeah.

- Oh, and by the way, Blake,

Global Guts destroys Double Dare.

- Okay, you're just saying that to hurt me.

- Mike O'Malley would kick Marc Summers' ass, dude.

- I double dare you to say that again!

- Mike O'Malley would kick Marc Summers' ass.

- Guys, guys, come on.

Just-we've all had a rough day.

- Ders is right.

Blake, you're my best friend again.

Ders, you're out. Sorry.

- Hey, buddy.

I am loving that coat.

- Holy childhood dreams come true!

That's Marc Summers! - Marc Summers!

- Oh! - Hey, I'm not kidding, man.

That is one sharp coat.

- You-you-you really like it?

- Well, it is one of the weirdest things

I've ever seen.

And I have seen a grown man

pull an orange flag out of a giant nostril.

- I remember that. - Yes.

- I remember that. - I got to have it.

- Oh, for you, Marc Summers, anything.

But wait, wait, wait.

Do you think maybe we could get a tiny favor?

- And I guess that's why they call it

the best taco in L.A.

Hey, thanks for watching.

Uh, before we go, I do have a little message

for Montez Walker in California if you're watching.

Blake Henderson is really sorry

about that weird thing he did the other day.

But there's something called the Boy Scout rule of Ds,

and it's real.

And that's what being a scout is all about.

Join me next week when we unwrap the tasty pastry

known as bear claws.

[rolls tongue] See ya.

- Oh, hey, little Montez.

No. Uh, okay.

- Rule of Ds, son. What's fair is fair.

- Okay. Uh, ha ha,

just, uh, pull those-

Hey, Bill.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, party horn blows]