All language subtitles for workaholics.s01e02.1080p.bluray.x264-hd4u

[pencil sharpener meows]

- Oh, yeah, for sure, dude.
Everyone's gonna be there.

Yeah, we went to Spencer's Gift
and, like, spent, like, $60.

So we are set.
We've got lights.

Bring whoever you want, man.
We don't care.

We're inviting everybody.

I'll talk to you late-ro.
Peace.

- Big party 'tonight, huh?

I guess my invitation
got lost in the mail.

- Uh, you should stop by, dude.

- Do you want me there or not?

What is this?
This ain't Seinfeld.

I don't just pop in.

You know what?
Fuck y'all!

Let me know when that antivirus
finish scanning.

Should be like 20 minutes.

- You guys ready to get weird
tonight or what?

- Fur sure.

- Ho-ho!
Lookin' straight grizzly.

- Bitch better have my honey!

- Oh. Ooh. Bear puns.
I like those.

- Dude, I can't believe
you spent

your entire paycheck
on that jacket.

- Well, I didn't spend
my entire paycheck.

I made $350, and Karl gave me
a deal on the coat.

$345.

- That's good.
That's a good deal.

- So you saved 5 bucks.
Way to go.

- Well, I invested my savings
in a little bottle of Ipecac.

It's the stuff
that makes you barf.

- Smart move.

- Basically
a get-out-of-work-free pass.

- Yeah, it makes you barf, dude,

'cause nothing makes me barf.

It's weird.
I've got a stomach of steel.

- Adam, scientists
developed that.

It would make you vomit.

- Because scientists made this.
- Yeah.

- Who believes
in scientists, dude?

Let me give this
a little testeroo.

Hmm.
That's weird.

Definitely don't feel
like barfing right now.

Oh, wait. Ugh!
No, I'm barfing.

Ugh! I'm barfing right now.
I'm not barfing.

- Okay.
- Wait. I'm barfing.

Ugh!
I'm barfing.

Those scientists better check
their hypotenuses, dude.

Oh, God.

[hip-hop music]

- ♪ I'm fresh ♪

♪♪

- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta ♪

- ♪ You gotta be fresh ♪

- Sorry, bro.

- Reading has never came easy
for me so...

- That doesn't matter.
- Whoa.

- I need your help, guys.

- Dude, if you are too drunk
to get your shirt back on-

- Stop it, dude.
We were having an ab contest.

And I won.

- Obviously.

- Chelsea Neiderdeppy's here,
okay?

And I invite her
to all the parties that we throw

but she never comes.

And she came tonight.

- Right. Awesome.

Who is Kelsey Neider...

- Chelsea Neiderdeppy, dude.
It's the third love of my life.

- Third love.
- Yeah, third love, dude.

You don't know third love?

Think of it-it's like Shrek,
you know?

The first two are cute
and funny,

but this third one sucked dick.

- Ha. Yours?
- No.

Man! Let's do this
right now.

Shortest to tallest.

Make me look cool, please?

- Course.
- Do my best.

- All right.

Who are those old dudes?

- Can you touch your elbows
behind your back?

- Sweetie, no.

- Why don't you go get
1980s jock style

on those dudes, please?

- All right.
- Thank you.

- Ooh-hoe, Ders effect.

- Can I help you?

- Yeah, you can get me
another beer.

- Ha-ha.
Actually, we can't,

because we ran out of beers
ten minutes ago.

So why don't you guys
tell that story Walken,

Christopher.

Ho ho ho ho!
Yeah. Slam.

What's up, Chels?

- FYI, jerk-off,
we lived in this house

from '88 to '92,

so we've got
a lifetime party pass.

You know the deal.
Beer it up.

- All right, I don't think
you get it, grandpa.

- No?
- I swam varsity in college.

I went 20 point in the 50, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- I can fight without breathing.

- Yeah, and I tried out for
the high school wrestling team.

And guess what.
I almost made it too.

But they said being a mascot
was more my skill set.

Go, Patriots.
Right?

- So when you guys are 69ing it,

does Captain Caveman
crank it in the corner?

- Oh, ho-ho-ho, okay.

If we do this,
there's gonna be two hits.

Me hitting you,

and Kid Rock's Bawitdaba
playing in the background.

Ders, you have that cued up,
right?

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

- Clark, come on.
They want us to go.

So we'll leave.

All you got to do is make us.

- [laughs]
- [laughs]

- Don't you think
we would've done that

if we could have?

I would fight them, dude,

but they've probably got
old man strength,

and I can't handle that.

Not now, I'm tipsy right now.

- Dude, I said 20 point,
and they didn't even flinch.

Phelps changed everything.

- Dudes, we're being jerks.

These are guests in our house.

Maybe we should bring them
something to drink, huh?

- Whoo!
Flyin' in.

Drinks for the girls.

- Whoo.
- Sorry about earlier.

We really got off
to a rough start.

- Yes, we did.

And we think it's really cool

that you guys used to live here.

- Yeah.
- And, uh, this one's yours.

- May our casa
always be your casa.

- Yeah.

- What do you say we guys,

uh, do some Jägerbombs, huh?

- Let's bomb this hospital!

[all cheering]

- Ah!
Wha-wha!

- Ah.
Whoo!

- You guys are-you guys
are all right.

You guys are all right.

- You're down.
You're down.

Very down.
- Nice.

- You guys feeling okay?
- What's wrong, guys?

Maybe we should clear
a little path here.

- [retches]
- Whoa!

- Clear a path. Clear a path.
It's about to get graphic.

- And stay out!
- Oh, ho-ho-ho!

- Yes.

- So glad you guys
got rid of them.

It was getting weird in here.

- Yeah, those are the kind
of parties we like to throw,

weird ones.

Not like the lame ones

when we were in high school
together, you know?

- You went to my high school?
- Yeah.

We were-we went-
we went to high school together.

She's joking.
- Really?

- We saw 2 Fast 2 Furious
together.

I had that hilarious
seatbelt joke.

There was, like, 30 of us.
I was like a row back.

I had Milk Duds.
- I'm sorry. I don't remember.

- The lights went down.

I went, "Hey, Paul Walker,
click it or ticket!"

- No, I mean,
I don't remember you.

- We should go.
That's-that was-

- No, no.
What?

Don't.
You don't have to go.

Let's talk, uh,
let's talk Clippers.

- You're a fan?

- Yeah, love
the whole Clip show.

Got season tickets, so...

- Really'?
- Yeah.

- Are you going
to the game tomorrow?

'Cause, I mean, if you're not,

we would love to buy
the tickets off of you.

- Oh, no.
I'm going.

We should all go as a-
as a team, as a squad.

- Oh, we can take my Escalade.

Everyone will fit in there.

- You have an Escalade?

Uh, ESV extended or EXT pickup?

- Ooh, it's white
and really shiny.

You should see it.

- Oh, no, I've seen it.

I've built it, like, 100 times
on the internet.

- Oh, my God, this is gonna
work out perfect.

So let's just go in my room,
grab some booze,

and talk deets or whatnot.

- Uh, I'm sorry, the puke
is kind of burning my eyes.

Let's just-
let's talk tomorrow.

- No doubt.
No doubt.

And what beautiful eyes
they are to burn, milady.

Hamlet.
It's page seven or eight.

I'm not sure.
- Okay.

- Yeah, no doubt.
All right. No doubt.

No doubt. No doubt.
You want a coat?

You need some help walking
to your car or what have you?

- Thank you.
- Okay.

- I'll see you.
- All right, see you later.

Ho-ho!
- Boom, boom, boom, boom.

What? What? What?

- Is this real?
Is this real?

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- Oh, something stinks
in there, man.

Gosh, we have to get tickets
to that Clippers game, man.

You know who's gonna be there.

- Yeah, my one and only
third love.

Chelsea Neiderdeppy.

- No. My childhood hero
and season ticket holder

to all Clippers games,
Marc Summers.

- Oh, Double Dare.
Slimin'.

- Uh, Double Dare,
Family Double Dare,

Super Sloppy Double Dare,
What Would You Do?

Unwrapped.

Do I need to continue?

- We can get Clippers tickets.

Montez, that guy,
he's got tickets to, like,

every show ever.

- Yeah, he went
to Michael Jackson's funeral.

- He had fourth row seats.
- Uh-huh.

- He said he, like,
felt Usher's tears.

- Guys, there's no way Montez
is going to help us out

after we didn't invite him
to the party.

He was pretty salty.

- Ah, damn it!

We've got to get those tickets
somehow, you know?

If we do, I'll have Chelsea
right where I had her

in high school.

- Nice.
- Where was that again?

- Like three lockers down
from me.

You had to walk
around the corner.

- Oops.
- Oh, no.

- We're good.

- Where's Blake?

Blake! Let's go!
[honking horn]

- [scatting]

♪♪

- I don't know
how we're going to get

these tickets tonight.

- Well, actually,
I have a pretty good idea.

I'm going to give them a-

- I-I-I called them last night.
They're sold out.

- Dang it, you know?

If I were to just plan
a little better.

Wait. No.

We'll go to the Staples Center
in the Escalade.

- I like it.
- Call in a bomb threat, right?

The game will get pushed
for a day.

Then we'll trick those chicks

into staying at a hotel room
with us,

get real physical with them,

so hard that they won't
even remember the game

in the first place.

It'll be like Dorothy

at the end of the Wizard of Oz.

Instead of clicking heels,

we'll be knockin' boots!

Yeah!
Yeah! Yeah! Yeah-ah-ah!

- You're so scary.
You know that, right?

- My dad had a lot
of Penthouses growing up.

[male radio announcer
speaking Spanish]

Clippers tickets.
Free, free, free!

- Clippers tickets?

Ay, caramba.
Yes!

[man speaking Spanish]

- Nice!

- Yo, amigo.
What's the deal?

- It's a contest
to win Clipper tickets

and a gift card at Jamba Juice.

You ever have that Razzmatazz
with that Immunity Boost?

- Okay, sorry, um,
what's the contest?

- Whoever holds their breath
the longest

in that horchata tank wins.

[man speaking Spanish]

- Can't believe you keep
your speedo in the trunk, dude.

- Yeah, well, never know
when there might be

a swim-ergency.

- Ooh. I like that.

- Wait a second,
so what is horchata, exactly?

- It's like a refreshing
Mexican lemonade.

Oh.
No, no, no.

This is not
what I thought it was.

Oh, my-smells like-

that smells like cat farts.

That smells exactly like
a cat's fart.

Your time to shine.
Physical challenge.

- I don't think I want
to do it anymore.

- Oh, come on.
You got this, boy. Yeah!

- Let's go, Ders.
- Escalade. Escalade.

Escalade. Escalade.
Whew.

- Hey, hey,¿como te llamas?

What's your name?

- Anders Holmvik.

- Ahai!
Let's give it up for Andreas!

- Yeah!
- Yeah! Andreas! Yeah!

- Yeah!
- Andreas, let's go!

- [retches] Oh, my God.

- 20 point. Come on, bud.
You got this!

- I never went 20 point.
- Suck it up, dude!

My third love's on the line.
Let's go!

- She didn't even know
you existed.

- Did the world know
Ludacris could act?

- What?
- Huh?

2 Fast 2 Furious, bro.

He murdered it.

Start the clock.
Start it.

- Go, Ders!
- What's the time to beat?

- Hey, you can't hold him under,
gringo.

That's against the rules.
- Okay.

- Are you crazy?
- Crazy in love, Anders.

Blake, let's go!

- But what about-

- Blake, you're my best friend
in the world,

and I need you here with me now.

Let's go!

Well, this is probably
the saddest day of my life,

'cause I'm not gonna know
what me and Chelsea's

little Neiderdeppy babies
are gonna look like

'cause they're not gonna
be born, man.

And that's on you.

- You're basically
an abortion time cop.

- Yeah, dude.

- Adam, you almost drowned me
this morning.

Not that you could,
because I can't be drowned.

- Drowned?
It's drown-ded, man.

- What's the plan?

'Cause I need
to meet Marc Summers.

- Dude, who cares?

I'm trying to ride
in an Escalade.

Have you seen an Escalade
up close?

Let's just bite the bullet,
go ask Montez.

- Don't you think
we should've done that earlier?

But you wasted everybody's time
this morning

with your whole,
"I can't get in horchata. "

Montez, that mustache
is looking good, dude.

Sharp.

- Yeah, if I could grow that,
I would show that.

- Yeah, we're like
the Mario Brothers.

- You know what?
Just say it.

Y'all need tickets.

'Cause why else would you ever
come talk to Montez?

You never come say, "Hey, hello.

"How was your weekend?

Did you enjoy
your son's cello recital?"

- First of all, I do hope

you enjoyed
your son's cello recital.

I bet it was Yo-Yo Ma-velous.

- But you mentioned something
about tickets.

That's funny.

Uh, we're in the market
for, uh, Clippers tickets

if you happen to have some.

- And there it is.

You know what?
I got your damn tickets.

I want face value,

and I gots to have
that bear coat.

- No, I will be buried
in this coat, sir.

- Okay, well, I need a favor.

- Name it.
Whatever.

- All right, me and the old lady

going to Seaworld this weekend

to get our wedding vows renewed.

I need somebody to come over
and take care of her cats.

You can come up after work
and pick up these tickets.

- Montez, pulling through again.

Consider it done.
Cats sat.

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- This zit cream is starting
to burn my face.

- That means it's working, Ders.

Blake, we need you
to go over to Montez's,

get the tickets.

- [sighs] Right now?

The blue team's about to play
Pie in Your Pants

for a Sega Genesis.

- Who cares?
Have you seen this whitehead?

Can you please deal
with this reality'?

- Okay, Blake,
here's the deal, brother.

Ders is looking like garbage
per uzhe, right?

And I'm in the middle
of a monster shave.

It's totally ridiculous.
The follicles are this large.

It's like a Tootsie Roll.

And I need you,
my best friend in the world,

who I truly care about
on some real levels,

to go to Montez's
and get those tickets.

[whispers] For me.
Your best friend.

[comically suspenseful music]

♪♪

- Hello?
[dog barks]

No way!
[crowds cheering on TV]

Ho-ho.
[rubbing hands together]

Oh, yeah, baby.

Oh, yeah.
Yes!

- Yo, Blake.
Which puka shell necklace?

Classic?
Shark tooth?

- I don't know.
- Did you get the tickets?

- I don't want to talk about it.
- What happened?

- Look, I didn't get
the tickets, okay'?

- Look at me.

Jesus.

You saw dick, didn't you?

Didn't you?
- Yeah.

It was Montez's.
And he saw me.

And there was a lot of screaming
and running, and I just-

- Shhhhhh.

It's okay.
It's okay, bro.

Who cares?
Get in here.

We've all seen penises

we weren't supposed
to see, right?

When I was in the Boy Scouts,

I accidentally saw
Ryan Ko's penis

on a canoeing trip.

- Really'?
- Yeah.

I couldn't look at him.
He couldn't look at me.

We were best friends, bro,

and we couldn't even be
in the same room together.

You know why?
- Why?

- 'Cause there was an imbalance
in our relationship.

- So what'd you do?
- I found a balance, dude.

I showed that kid my penis

and restored order
to the universe.

It's called
the Boy Scout rule of Ds.

And it always works.

You've got to show Montez
your penis.

- That makes
so much sense to me.

- Right?
- Hey, how are the seats?

- Uh, actually,
Montez wasn't home,

so we just got to make
one quick stop before the game.

[horn honks]
- It's here. Ha-ha!

The Escalade is here!

- HEY-

Make sure he sees
the whole thing.

I'm counting on you.
- All right.

- Hey, Anders.
- Wow. Looking good.

- Oh, thanks.
You look really good too.

- She is a real beaut.

What's the lip on these rims?
- I'm not sure.

Hey, so you excited
for the game?

- White's a little too Boca
for my taste, but I'll deal.

Uh, yeah, super ready.

We just got to pick up
the tickets on the way.

So we'll make the shoot quick.
- The what?

- The photo shoot.

[hip-hop music]

♪♪

- Okay, let's go.
Come on.

- Shotgun.
Called it.

- Chelsea's with me.
Chelsea's with me.

[knocks at door]

- Uh, is your dad home?

[hip-hop music]

[hip-hop music]

- Here, doggy.
Nice kitty.

Come to Daddy.
I have a little-

- Okay. Okay. Let's go.
Go. Go. Go.

- Is everything okay?
- Ha. Yes. Everything is fine.

Everything went
totally normally.

Drive the car, sweetheart.

I don't want to miss
a second of the game.

- Open this door!
Okay, Junior!

Get my pistol!

- Man, I'm loving
these headrests.

Neck support's unreal.

- Oh, does your neck hurt?

Because I could rub it for you.

- No, I said my neck's fine.

Can you not hear me?

Because the acoustics
on an Escalade

are supposed to be peerless.

- It's funny how life works out,
you know?

It's not every day you get
a second chance at third love.

- What?
- Hmm? What?

Blake, game's gonna be
awesome, right?

- Yes.
Yes.

The, uh, game
should be quite enjoyable.

But, I mean, we're having
a pretty good time right now.

And, uh, you know,
no matter what the future holds,

no matter who wins or loses,

or if we even see the game-
maybe we won't-

I mean, uh, we have had
a blast in the car today.

I didn't get the tickets.

- Did you show him
the whole thing?

- You don't have the tickets?

Why didn't you tell us

before we drove
all the way down here?

- Yeah, well, I was going to,

but I had to show Montez
my penis

to restore order
to the universe.

Then his little kid
is staring into my dong.

And I'm, like, "Take a picture.

It might last longer."

- Okay, out.
Everybody out.

We're going home.

- Wait, no, I didn't have
anything to do with this.

Can I please stay?
- Oh, I would.

But you're a huge douche bag,

and you smell like rotten milk.

- Where is this coming from?
- Get out.

- I am so sorry about this.

This whole dick thing
should've worked.

I've done it personally
like seven times.

So if you just let me explain-
- Out now.

- Okay. Sure. All righty.

If you just let me
explain myself,

I could explain
this whole thing, you know?

- Yeah.
Oh, yeah? Really'?

- It's a pretty funny story,
actually.

- Oh, as funny
as your seatbelt joke?

- You do remember.

Okay, well, see you
at the reunion then.

- Who wears
a puka shell necklace?

- It's from high school.

I was trying
to make you remember.

Soul mates.

- So do you guys want
to hitchhike?

'Cause personally,
I think it's worth the risk.

- Shut up, Blake.

You ruined my life,

and now you're no longer
my best friend.

Ders, you're in.
Can you handle this?

- Yeah.

- Oh, and by the way, Blake,

Global Guts
destroys Double Dare.

- Okay, you're just saying that
to hurt me.

- Mike O'Malley would kick
Marc Summers' ass, dude.

- I double dare you
to say that again!

- Mike O'Malley would kick
Marc Summers' ass.

- Guys, guys, come on.

Just-we've all had
a rough day.

- Ders is right.

Blake,
you're my best friend again.

Ders, you're out.
Sorry.

- Hey, buddy.

I am loving that coat.

- Holy childhood dreams
come true!

That's Marc Summers!
- Marc Summers!

- Oh!
- Hey, I'm not kidding, man.

That is one sharp coat.

- You-you-you really
like it?

- Well, it is one
of the weirdest things

I've ever seen.

And I have seen a grown man

pull an orange flag
out of a giant nostril.

- I remember that.
- Yes.

- I remember that.
- I got to have it.

- Oh, for you, Marc Summers,
anything.

But wait, wait, wait.

Do you think maybe we could get
a tiny favor?

- And I guess
that's why they call it

the best taco in L.A.

Hey, thanks for watching.

Uh, before we go,
I do have a little message

for Montez Walker in California
if you're watching.

Blake Henderson is really sorry

about that weird thing
he did the other day.

But there's something called
the Boy Scout rule of Ds,

and it's real.

And that's what being a scout
is all about.

Join me next week
when we unwrap the tasty pastry

known as bear claws.

[rolls tongue] See ya.

- Oh, hey, little Montez.

No.
Uh, okay.

- Rule of Ds, son.
What's fair is fair.

- Okay.
Uh, ha ha,

just, uh, pull those-

Hey, Bill.

- Nice.

[dog snorting, party horn blows]