Original subtitles

Don't anybody move.

Don't try anything silly.

Believe me, we won't, Mr.

Beepo.

Beepo? You got a problem with that?

Absolutely not on you. It works.

I just heard some clown escape from holding a... Hello.

So, uh, Beepo, what seems to be the problem?

Well, for starters, I'm a 48-year-old man named Beepo.

Well, I can see how that might place you under a lot of pressure, but I think

that... You're not going to start in with that. I'm a special human being,

but life is really worth living kind of crap, are you?

Not now, no.

Judge, are you just going to stand here and converse with this man?

Who is this annoying little insect?

This is Clark Edwards. He's with City Services.

And I'm conducting an official city audit.

Eat a fiber cereal, Clark.

Look, Meatball, what is it you want?

I want a car.

A real one for a change.

Without 15 other guys in the back seat.

I want a plane ticket to a place where I can be around normal people who treat me

seriously as a human being.

And they wonder why I love circus people.

Look, Beepo, I think we can all understand what you're going through.

Oh, really?

Have you ever had seltzer squirted down your pants five times a day, every day

for 25 years?

No.

But you've given me an idea for the weekend.

What was that?

I'm going to find a SWAT team.

Security.

Bellevue. Come on, come on.

Freeze!

What do you think you're doing?

Mine. This is walking against the wind.

Whoa! Really blowing out there today, huh?

If anybody else tries to leave this room, I'm going to plug them.

Understand? I thought he was going to kill us. Oh, relax, Mr. Edwards.

He's got a gun.

How can you be so calm?

Because thanks to the crack security you've sent us down here, we've kind of

gotten used to this sort of thing.

Don't... Cry on my shoulder, Judge Stone. We provide you with the best

security money can buy.

Yeah? Well, have you ever thought about taking a couple of days to train them

first?

I've had a lot of experience with hostage situations.

I think our best bet is to shut off the air conditioning, not let them have any

food, then wait for negotiations to break down and shoot him.

You see, it's just some highway flares with a cheap alarm clock.

Sure looked real enough to me.

But to the practice that I... You've got to realize that I've been in the

explosive disposal game for nearly a quarter of a century.

No kidding.

Without a major mishap, I might add.

Somebody call the bomb squad.

Hallelujah!

You. Okay, where's the bomb?

Right here.

Oh, boy, I'll bet someone's shorts are full of bricks right now, huh?

What to do, boys? Watch this, Watson.

All right. You make one move, I'll blow your brains into the office downstairs.

I got no problem with that.

and we had the judge wired.

We're arresting the judge. We had fielding wired.

You mean?

Oh, for crying out loud.

Isn't that the craziest thing?

Boy, you get a peanut vendor in here and you get charge admission at this place.

Well, fortunately, there is someone here who manages to stay cool, calm, and

professional at all times.

Excuse me.

Nothing. Oh, no, I distinctly heard you... me.

Well, to be frank, sir, there have been several occasions when you've acted like

a... World-class beanhead?

Oh, really?

Name one.

Well, okay. How about the time you were fired?

I cannot believe this is Harris Lassidy on the job.

It won't be the same without him.

No more whoopee cushions in the jury box.

No more courtroom hootenanny.

No more Jane Pauly look-alike contest.

I never did get my trophy.

Oh, poor Harry. This whole thing must have him really depressed.

broke his fall.

Okay, so once I was under a lot of stress and I did something that might be

considered a little silly.

Once?

Fuel Court Part 2 is now in session. The Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

is ready. Oh, swell.

You have the temerity to come into my courtroom dressed like

that and you don't even have one of these?

Oh, I get it. It's turned into gang up on the judge night around here, huh? Oh,

no, not at all, Harry. We're just waxing nostalgic about some of your, shall we

say, less than professional moments.

You are calling me unprofessional?

You want to hear about this guy's unprofessionalism? Sure.

Clowns love seeing other people miserable.

There he goes.

Daddy dearest.

I don't know.

Believe it or not, I think Dan can make a very good father.

Say, hello. Are we talking about the same Dan Fielding who lobbied to instate

leash laws for children?

Underneath that smarmy, sex-crazed exterior lies another Dan Fielding.

It

was

a gift for a sick friend.

I hope for your sake, Mr.

Fielding. that this was not the briefcase you billed the city for. Oh,

Clark, relax.

That one was destroyed in a court-related incident involving Miss

Sullivan's almost wedding.

Oh, I don't think we need to hear about that one. It was a valid extent.

I want to hear about it. I don't care if you've got a gun. The answer's no.

I'm afraid I'll have to insist.

Okay, say she was marrying this real zero. Harry was conducting the ceremony

in the courtroom.

I'll pay for the briefcase!

Miss Sullivan!

Oh, all right!

To have and to hold through sickness and health, rich or poor, for

as long as you both shall live.

This case cost me over $200.

I can believe it. It's not leaking at all.

And you think the state will allow that one? Keep your trust on, Clark.

I've made sure that I'm never going to have that problem again.

Look at this. Check it out, huh?

It has a special feature. It's very important for this particular courtroom.

It can be sponge cleaned.

Not only that, it's indestructible.

You're lucky you weren't bragging about your pants.

Hey, Beepo, is that really necessary?

Yeah. I hate aluminum.

As long as you have a good reason.

Your Honor, security's standing by and the SWAT team's on his way.

Wouldn't want to be in your shoes.

Listen, Beepo, his real name's not Beepo.

Found out we're really dealing with Milt Rudman. I hate that name!

He was picked up after starting a fight with some guy at the circus.

That geek started razzing me.

He was a real nerd, huh?

No, a geek. Got to bite the heads off chickens.

I was real ticked off, too, because my fiancée just left me.

We were in love.

She was going to have my name tattooed on her.

If there was room for it.

Uh, see, babe.

Listen, I know it's a tough time for you, it's bad, but now that you two have

split, um, you got a picture of her naked?

Is this guy as sleazy as I think he is? Hey, I am not sleazy. I am ethically

questionable. In regards to women, there is a big difference.

Oh, you're throwing out loud. What would you call a man who goes down to the dock

to see off the Navy ships and then passes out his cards to the wives and

girlfriends left behind?

A visionary.

He has been like this since the day I met him.

Christine Sullivan, legal aide, Dan Fielding, assistant DA.

Hi, how are you? You know, I think all this talk about the death of casual sex

is premature, don't you?

I think all you're really interested in is sex.

I need satisfaction and I need it now.

I understand.

You want to be alone?

You are the most despicable form of life I've ever met.

You personify everything vile and ugly about men.

I understand.

You need a little more time.

We could be magic together.

Dan, I thought you understood.

I don't want sexual satisfaction from a man.

No problem.

You're spineless and desperate.

All the qualities I look for in a man.

Meet me at midnight.

Midnight. Midnight. Yes, midnight. That's good. Midnight. Good. Are you

forgetting something?

Thank you. Thank you.

Now, my little mountain drop, no matter how much you sweat, hold on to the

handlebars.

Oh, great. Well, yes, you can make it.

Terrific. I'm looking forward to it. I've heard a lot about you.

Candy.

I have had every woman in this building.

I have had stewardesses from 14 foreign countries.

I have had den mothers.

Do you have any idea what the act of love is all about?

You've reduced it to its primitive form, made it into some animalistic ritual

totally devoid of any respect, humanity, or commitment.

So what do you say?

Oh, great, sure. Concentrate on the negative.

I mean, why don't you tell them about all the good things I've done?

What good things?

What about when I saved your life? Have you forgotten that?

No, but I'm trying. He saved Christine?

It's true. If Dan hadn't been carrying this card, she wouldn't be with us

today.

Wanda's whip emporium.

How to save a choking victim.

Step one, give the victim a swift blow to the back to clear air passage.

Step two, clear the mouth of any foreign object. Step three, loosen constrictive

clothing.

safe than sorry.

Dan, you saved my life.

Miss Sullivan, he felt you up.

Dan, I owe you everything.

How can I possibly repay you?

Sleep with me.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the hotel manager, sir, with the champagne you requested. Oh, great. You

found it. Yes, indeed. Though it was a difficult task. After all, chateau

libido is not one of our usual brands.

Shall I unscrew it for you?

Perfect. This could be the greatest night of my life.

Okay, I want this over with before it vomits.

Let the good times roll in.

Let me count the ways.

I know 52 of them.

Right. Talk it deep.

It's poop time.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

A spy satellite.

You know, I better close these curtains.

Dan, there's a man out on the ledge.

Mr.

Phelps, why are you doing this? this?

Because, uh, I'm 38 years old. Well, so am I.

And I'm a virgin.

Happy landings.

All right, so you're not getting any. Big deal. What about us guys who are?

I didn't mean to ruin your evening. It's just... Just what?

I can't make up your mind about anything, can you? Well, listen, if

you're gonna stay, stay. If you're gonna jump, jump!

Hey, hey!

This man just saved your life.

And now, you gotta sleep here.

Oh, beep, beep, beep.

If you listened to these guys, you would think I was some kind of lowlife.

Well, you know, Dan, when someone acts as immaturely towards women as you do,

he's really pretty much asking for it.

What does that mean, this time?

Oh, please.

Do I really have to remind you how you acted when my old roommate from college,

Heather, came to visit?

Hey, so what brings old Heather by?

Well, she just flew in to host a seminar upstate on motifs of death in Russian

literature.

Sounds like a real party animal.

No, you are really going to like her. She's so sweet and she has a wonderful

personality.

She's a schnauzer.

Oh, here she comes. Now, please, guys, please be nice to her.

It's not like I'm asking you to follow her feet.

Christine, hi.

Oops.

Look at the way she walks.

Yeah, kind of takes the wrinkles out of the old robe, you know?

Are you two done mentally

undressing my friend?

Hold it a sec.

All right, I admit, she's very attractive, but Heather has flaws and

imperfections just like everyone else.

Do I detect noted jealousy?

No, no, it's true.

You know what she even said to me about you two?

She said that she might consider taking one of you two guys upstate with her for

the weekend.

Is that flighty or what?

give the prosecution a chance to hose down.

I am ashamed of you acting like a rutting pig.

I gotta be me.

You don't see Judge Stone behaving that way, do you?

Hey, I'm an emotional guy.

You should have seen me when I met Morley Safer.

Judge Stone's office.

It's the SWAT team.

Well, where the hell are they? They were supposed to be here a long time ago.

They misunderstood.

For the past three hours, they've been surrounding a bar called the Port House.

They'll be here as soon as they paint their tabs.

Well, call them back and tell them they'll just be wasting their time.

I'm giving myself up, Judge.

What? I'm giving myself up.

If it matters, you're doing the right thing.

Doesn't matter.

You know, before I showed up here, I thought I was the silliest, stupidest,

most pathetic person I knew.

But you showed me there are even bigger yo-yos in the world.

Glad we could help.

Come on, Beep.

Sure. Where are you taking me? Strip search.

You're in luck. They fixed the heater down there.

Well, Mr. Edwards, I guess you can see that though our methods are a bit

unusual, we somehow get the job done.

Your imaginative solutions don't surprise me.

After the unbelievable crock you tried to pawn off on me today.

What? You mean to tell me that after we saved your weaselly yet sinewy little

neck, you still plan to press charges?

What I am saying is that I remain unconvinced that for some reason bizarre

incidents happen on a regular basis in your courtroom.

Believe everything you said.

Just send me the bill and what do you say we both forget we ever met each

other?

What's going on, Bull?

Well, I went to the circus to find a friend of Beepo's. But strangely enough,

he didn't have any.

Is that where you got the elephant?

Murray!

I told you to wait.