All language subtitles for s06e08_-_night_court_iof_the_living_dead

Who is that magnificent woman?

Oh, that's that model who always does
those health club ads.

If only Spandex could talk.

How would you like a body like mine?

Well, I'll give it a shot.

I'm afraid my tie is going to hang
funny.

Judge Stone, that's what the tab says in
my underwear.

Walter what?

I'm your new public defender.

I'm replacing the late Christine
Sullivan.

The late Christine Sullivan?

The deceased are always the last to
know.

I beg your pardon?

Walter Watts, meet Christine Sullivan.

Hi there.

But this is impossible.

Personnel said she's dead.

I'm sure many of her former dates would
agree with you.

I'll be darned. This says that Walter
Watts has been appointed as our public

defender.

Wait a minute. I'll bet this is the
computer screw-up.

Probably happened when I put in for
vacation time.

Just how long did you put in for?

Well, Mr. Watts, obviously there's been
a mistake. We don't need you. Oh, no

way. This happened to me once before.

I left before I got the official okay,
lost my job, and my membership in the

credit union.

This is ridiculous.

Officially, I have to accept your debt.

Nothing personal.

Your Honor, it's almost time to start
the session.

Well, it'll be a minute, Bo. We have a
little problem.

Oh? What is it?

Christine's dead.

Oh, no.

I'm not dead.

This must be what they call the denial
stage.

Well, when your supervisor does get in,
would you please have him call me? Thank

you. I can't believe this. How could
anyone think I died?

Is there a history of that in your
family?

Excuse me, but I believe you're in my
chair.

Well, this is the public defender's
seat, isn't it?

I understand that this little
misunderstanding has put you in an

awkward position, but... Get the hell
out of my chair!

Oh, Miss Sullivan, can I see you in the
principal's office for a moment?

I know, I know. I apologize for the
outburst, sir, but he's in my seat.

Please make him give it back.

I'm sorry, but he has been assigned to
my court.

Procedurally, my hands are tied.

Well, what am I supposed to do in the
meantime?

Could take the night off, look for a
headstone.

Until we've got this little man. matter
cleared up, why don't you just assist

Mr. Watts, okay?

Fine. I'll just make sure he doesn't get
his tie caught in his briefcase and snap

his twerpy little neck.

That's the spirit.

Okay, McNuggets, call him to the post.
Yes, sir.

Fever versus Van Slyke, disturbing the
peace at the United Nations.

Prosecution. Oh, yes, sir. The accused
barged in on the General Assembly

screaming something about a plan for
world peace as if the U.N. doesn't have

enough to do.

I was only demonstrating Andy's
potential to those small-minded twits.

And Andy is his boss, sir.

Oh.

Hardly a buck.

He's my greatest invention.

Andy, tell them who you are.

Artificial neuron-developed
intelligence.

I am totally objective and completely
logical.

Hey, that's me.

You're as good as Senor Wences.

Can you make your fists talk, too?

Rather a personal question, don't you
think, sir?

I am not a ventriloquist.

Oh, he's right, sir. He wasn't even in
the room when I was tagging that box of

evidence and it was talking up a storm.

By the way, Mr. Robinson, I have your
calculations.

Take Cleveland and the...

Offered to hell.

Child's play is interconnecting neurons,
the ultimate extension of artificial

intelligence. In high school, I bet you
were one of those geeks who always ran

the projector, right?

Detect insincere vocal intonation and
cheap cologne.

Yes, see that?

Andy has made thinking into an exact
science.

Never again to be left in the hands of
waffling amateurs and those myopic fools

that the U.N. couldn't grasp its
potential.

Counselors, what do you say we have a
little confab up here, huh?

It seems to me that the professor is not
plugged all the way into the wall.

What do you say we let the boys from
Bellevue have a shot at this one?

Yeah, you holler if this gets too tight.

I think so, sir.

Well, I'll take Mr. Van Slyke to the
jury box until Matt can contact... The

mental tune-up masters, yes, sir.

That's it.

I'll update the defendant's file, sir.
Oh, no, no, no. I can handle that. I

said I'd do it. Mr. Watts, I insist.

Is that a spot on your tie?

Where? There.

I taught her that one.

I had a set of walkie-talkies when I was
a kid, but I lost one.

Still a lot of fun, though.

He takes presence of life form. He void
of intelligence.

Where?

What's next, Max?

People versus carny, sir.

Killer? Murderer? Hey, I thought I was
doing you a favor.

Gee, can't anybody ever come in here in
a good mood?

Come on, give me a break. I've been in a
coma for 20 years.

In that case, you want to bet on the
Packers this Sunday?

Your Honor, Mr. Carney, the defendant,
had no apparent hope of recovery.

The doctors asked Mr. Higgins, his
nephew and only living relative, if they

could pull the plug.

Choking back the tears, Mr. Higgins told
the staff, tag him and bag him, Doc.

Sir, the defendant was... One at a time,
please.

Well, let the mutant yuppie do one.

Your Honor, two days after the hospital
unhooked the respirator, Mr.

Carney here miraculously regained full
consciousness.

No side effect?

I'm a little stiff.

I hate to get too technical here, but
when did the illegal stuff happen? When

I came by the hospital to take him home.

Can you believe it? He hit me right in
the vestibule.

Gee, that must have hurt.

The guy showed me no gratitude.

Get me a drain snake. I'll show him some
gratitude.

Settle down, Mr. Carney. I'm going to
drop the charges against you. In fact,

I'm a little appalled that your nephew
can so casually unplug you.

Judgment error.

Human has reached folly conclusion.

What? In a world of depleted...
resources.

It is illogical to waste precious energy
to keep one individual alive.

Hey, we're talking about a human life
here. I don't think it's illogical to do

everything you can. Sir. What?

You argue with a tackle box.

Right. Case dismissed.

And that's lunch, everybody.

Mr. Watts, please go home. You can't be
held responsible for a computer error.

Sorry.

Dan, will you please assure this yo-yo I
am very much alive?

There you go.

Anything I can do for you, Mr. Carter?

Yeah. What happens to me now?

and you're free to go home.

No, I can't. They've informed me my home
is now a mini mall.

Oh, gee, that's awful.

Yeah, I know.

By the way, what is a mini mall?

You've got a lot of catching up to do.

20 years, that's a long time.

Hell, where do you start?

Um... Who spuds McKenzie?

I tell you, Judge, I feel like I've
missed half my life.

Yeah, right.

So, what else has happened the last 20
years?

Well, let's see. You missed out on
Presidents Nixon, Ford, and Carter.

Watergate. Hot pants.

Sushi.

Yuppies. Pet rocks.

And about 90 Bob Hope specials.

Poor guy. You slept through the entire
sexual revolution.

It's over? Oh, yeah.

The motto for the 80s... is, gentlemen,
stop your engines.

Oh, oh, I've got to catch you up on the
royal family.

Okay, Prince Charles married Lady Di and
they had two adorable little boys.

They were a little rocky for a while
because he's a little stiff and she

likes to disco, but we're keeping our
fingers crossed.

Excuse me. I have to go get some more
coffee. I can't risk nodding off again.

Excuse us.

We're looking for an Arthur Van Slyke.

He's right here.

Mr. Van Slyke. Yes?

Okay, pal, it's off to the saliva yard.

You're not taking me anywhere!

Let's not make this difficult, Mr. Van
Slyke.

Your zipper's down.

Come on, that's the oldest one in the
book.

It's not down, is it?

I think so.

How long was I out that time?

I'm the Pope, if that gives you a clue.

Oh, I don't see how you could have lost
him. It's been my experience, sir, that

crazy guys are quicker than you think.

Security, this is Judge Stone. Be on the
lookout for a middle-aged man. He's

wearing green pants.

Blue pants. Blue pants and a green
shirt.

Gray shirt. Gray shirt.

with a frayed collar, a torn pocket, and
a pretty dopey-looking bow tie.

Bull, how do you remember all that?

Stay back!

Or I'll jump!

Boy, he's pretty sensitive about his
clothes, isn't he?

Sir,

he's not by the restroom. He's not in
the courtroom. Don't come any closer!

What the hell's going on? here?

Whatever you do, don't mention his
clothes.

I'm warning you. Get away or I'll jump.
Come on, don't do that. It's an 18-story

drop. Human wear silly hat has point.

Your Honor, we... Well, well, what have
we here? Another frequent flyer.

Okay,

that's enough, guys. I will talk to you
in the hall. Mac, you too.

Miss Sullivan, check Van Flags' file.
See if there's anything in there that

will help us. Right.

Oh, hi.

Stepping out for a little evening
plummet?

Dan, try and help.

Mr. Van Sly.

Listen, I just want... Okay, whoa, whoa,
whoa.

Look, I know you've got a lot on your
mind, but trust me, there's no problem

that's worth leaping to your death.

But if you do jump, could you bear left
so you don't hit my car?

Trust me, Judge.

It'll work.

No. No. We are not going to talk the
blonde broad into taking off her top and

enticing him back into the office.

Come on. This guy knows nothing about
psychology.

Come on.

Mac, you call the fire department. Tell
them we need a net down here pronto.

Will do, sir.

Don't worry, sir. I have a plan. Great.

Plan? Pull?

All right, so, the Chilly Willy cartoon
ends. I'm sitting there with a box of

popcorn in my lap. She reaches... That's
enough.

Listen, keep talking.

I'm going to go woo my car.

Hi, Miss Van Slyke.

What do you say we both take a deep
breath and you just tell me what's on

your mind?

I want to talk to the press.

The press? That's right.

Before I let you people silence me, I'm
going to expose Andy to the entire

world. The networks, the papers,
Geraldo.

Sir, the fire department can't get a net
down below for more than two hours. Two

hours? It seems they've got three
leafers ahead of him.

I'm afraid Mr. Van Slyke is going to
have to jump standby.

Well, there's really not much to help in
Mr. Van Slyke's file.

Mind if I take a look?

Oh, like I missed something?

Oh, just as a courtesy.

To the living.

Listen, Mr. What?

If I were dead, which I'm not, no court
in this country could convict me for

yanking your spine out through your
navel.

That's it.

I'm calling the office.

Oh, what are you going to tell them?
That you were threatened by a corpse?

Not much fun, is it?

Not having a life, I mean.

Why are you still here, Mr. Carney?

Oh, I was in no hurry to leave, not
having any place to go.

Oh, come on. I would think I'd want to
celebrate my recovery with my friends if

I were in your shoes.

I don't have any shoes. The nurses threw
them out years ago.

Well, your slippers look surprisingly
good with that suit.

I don't have any friends left.

Some are dead and the rest all moved
away.

Never married?

I haven't been with a woman in 20 years.

But then I haven't brushed my teeth in
20 years either.

So? Where's the media coverage you
promised me?

Well, I'm doing the best I can, but
there are no camera crews available.

What could possibly be more important?

Big bikini trade show at the Coliseum.

I see.

Well, maybe they'll think this is
newsworthy.

Wait a minute, Mr. Van Slyke.

Don't you think you're being a bit
emotional?

This whole world is emotional. That is
the problem. And has it helped rid the

earth of prejudice?

Well, no.

Does it help feed all the hungry?

Not exactly.

Does it have emotions to help do away
with crime in the street?

No.

But they've done wonders for the
greeting card industry.

You misguided simpletons, don't you see?

Half at a time.

There, wasn't that... Oops.

Now look what you've done.

Your brainless, irrational actions have
destroyed everything I've worked for.

There's nothing left for me but to jump.

You couldn't jump in the middle of a
surprise?

lights out again permanently.

Well, look at that, Mr. Van Slyke.

Andy's still ticking.

You can't go now.

You'd... Well, he would miss you.

Impossible.

That's an emotion.

Andy's not programmed for such drivel.
That is correct.

See?

Excuse me a moment.

You and I gotta have a talk.

A little weird, isn't it, sir?

You got any better ideas, Mr.

Calypso?

It was either that or the hokey pokey.

All right, Andy.

Now, you listen to me.

I'm trying to save a man's life.

Illogical to save life in an
overpopulated world.

Well, how would you like to end up as a
hunk of scrap metal in some recycling

bin?

I'm listening.

I want you to come up with any logical
reasons you can to save that guy's life.

I have a feeling that he will listen to
you.

Mr. Van Slyke, you may recall that Andy
was the one who asked you not to jump.

You want to tell us why, Andy?

There are many reasons.

You have extraordinary problem-solving
capabilities, and you are an efficient

exchanger of oxygen and carbon dioxide.

this mushy stuff.

And I require you for data input
purposes.

I think that means he needs you.

What?

Andy, you're not going soft on me, are
you?

It does not make sense to be entirely
logical in a world ruled by emotions.

Well said.

I took a shot.

I'm very confused.

Doesn't it make you happy that Andy
needs you?

Yes.

For some inexplicable reason, it does.

Maybe I got a little carried away. Maybe
I spent too much of my life with

machines.

Comes from growing up over a radio
shack.

Well, then maybe a little extra time in
that hospital will help you sort things

out.

Yeah, but what'll happen to Andy while
I'm gone?

Well, I think we could find someone to
take care of Andy for you.

Maybe someone who needs Andy to fill him
in on all the things that have changed

in the world over the last 20 years.

You mean me?

Matter of fact.

This'll be just like having a friend.

Jet Stone's office.

Well...

Goodbye, Andy.

Goodbye. We'll visit you first chance we
get.

Yes, I'd like that.

I should have given him hair.

I always wanted to mush his hair.

Stubble can be attractive.

If you style it right.

Excuse me, when do we resume session?

Not your problem anymore, Walt.

That was personnel. They found their
mistake.

Miss Sullivan is among the living.

I am?

I'm officially alive?

Yep. Yes!

All right.

A born-again Christine.

Yeah, where does this leave me?

Oh, you're in good shape, Walt. The
computer just gave you nine months

vacation. Nine months?

Uh-huh.

Maternity leave.

You're gonna be a mommy.

Well, come along here. You can help me
find a place to stay May I have a minute

alone with Judge Stone?

I'll be right outside Judge Stone, I
just want you to know I was very

impressed with your logic in handling
the recent situation Well, thank you

very much, Andy That's the nicest thing
a box ever said to me By the way, may I

ask you a personal question?

Shoot Who's that babe on your desk with
the big floppy discs?