Original subtitles

Would you listen to me, Doc? I cannot perform this operation.

I am a lawyer, for God's sake. I was trained to ruin people's lives, not save

them.

Fielding, you've got to do it.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Okay, fine, I played doctor once, but then we both took showers and went home.

Look, Fielding, if her appendix ruptures, she could die in the next few

hours. Now, because of you, I can't operate.

Well, why me? Why not one of them?

Because I need somebody whose first language is English so that my every

instruction is understood.

¿Qué? ¿Se habla español?

Papá es inglés.

Viva Cantinflas.

Dr. Mooney, radio almost thawed out.

Oh, great. Now we can get a real doctor here with hands and everything.

It's probably broken anyway.

Took a hell of a lick when I crashed.

No wonder I've got a headache.

Papi Lala, that water's got to be boiling hot. Doc, would you listen to

me? Now look, Fielding. Buck up.

We're depending on you here.

I've got a feeling you're going to do a hell of a job, too.

Okay, okay, fine, fine. I'll do it.

Oh, boy.

We in deep shupu now.

Well, Keita, let's see how you're doing.

Ooh, somebody's lunch is in a hurry.

You know, you helped me, Dan Fielding.

One look, I see you're a man of honor and decency.

Doc, quick, get over here. She's hallucinating.

That's the anesthetic. A little something I mixed up myself.

I want to go to the Big Apple, Dan Fielding.

I want a tango at the Rainbow Room.

I want dinner at Elaine's with Woody and Mia.

No, trust me. He's such a bore since he stopped making comedies.

Okay,

that's it, Kesa. Just relax, okay?

Relax. Go to sleep, all right?

And when you wake up, everything will be just fine.

Is that a promise, Dan Fielding?

It's a guarantee.

I'm going to kill her.

Gosh, this is hard.

It's the first eulogy I've ever written.

Dear friends, gosh, this is hard.

It's the first eulogy I've ever written.

Um, excuse me.

Would either of you be interested in contributing to a fund to build a

memorial to Dan?

Phil, what a wonderful idea.

Yeah. I thought I'd get one of those classy liverware sculptures of him and

put it on display in the courtroom.

I like it.

Sentimental, but good on a cracker.

Darn it, sir.

Dan deserves better than... Lunch meat?

No, it's eulogy.

Why am I having so much trouble finding something nice to say about Dan?

Hey, I've got an idea.

Remember the time Dan used CPR to save my life?

Remember how disappointed he was that you came to so quick?

And he insisted that I show my gratitude by sleeping with him? Well, when the

moment finally came, he couldn't do it.

You mean Dan's spark plug wouldn't fire?

No, he was a gentleman.

And the fact that he couldn't touch me... touched me.

Well, that's sweet, but I don't see starting a eulogy with Dan Fielding, the

man who couldn't go through with forcing me into bed.

Excuse me, Your Honor, I got that picture of Dan for the ceremony like you

asked. Great, Bull. Then we're pretty much all set, except for the eulogy.

You don't have any ideas on that, do you?

Let's see.

Did you mention that Dan was a mammal?

Big guy, that one slipped right by us.

That's what I'm here for, sir.

Let me take a crack at that.

Dan Fielding was... a

mammal.

All right, Fielding. It's showtime.

Kameelama. Scalpel.

Shiny.

And sharp.

Now, we start by making an oblique incision right here down to the

peritoneum, just above the pelvic bone at McBurney's point.

At McBurney's point? You know, I hear it's lovely this time of the year. Come

on, Fielding. Slice her right here.

About four inches long, quarter of an inch deep.

Okay.

All right.

Yep.

Operating now.

There.

Very good.

Now, this time, let's try and actually break the skin.

I was afraid you were going to say that.

All right. Now, easy does it. Just be careful.

There you go.

There you go.

Uh-huh. This isn't so bad.

It's not...

Inside a human? Well, don't that beat all.

Easy, Fielding. You're doing just fine there.

Boy, I'll never forget my first operation.

When I stared into that mass of pulsating gelatinous goo, I almost

sucked down my surgical mask.

Gee, I feel better.

I mean, Lama, his brow.

Very handsome, like Brow of Eagle.

Why don't you try wiping Brow of Eagle?

Now, just lift up the cecum there.

Now, you see a little worm-like thing right at the end of it? About three or

four inches long? Ah, that's it. That's the appendix. How's it look?

Oh, gee, cute as a button. I think it's a waste we wear these on the inside.

I mean, what color is it? Red.

Well, excuse me, but I think I am the one doing the operating here.

Bright red.

That means it's inflamed. It's got to come out for sure. All right, just clamp

it off at the base there.

Clamp.

No, no, clamp.

That's perfect.

All right, now take the scissors and lop that little troublemaker off before it

ruptures. Scissors.

Just be careful.

to make a clean cut.

One false snip and it's curtains for Keaston.

No pressure.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy.

Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy.

These hands just touched a human being's intestines.

Don't you guys ever say I don't take you anywhere, okay?

Doc, is she awake? No, no, not yet.

Here, why don't you take a pull-off of this? Make you feel better.

Thanks.

What the hell?

Theo, what is this?

Moose juice.

Actually, not bad.

Alf Hilding.

Hell of a job in there.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Good. That means we saved her. Oh, she would have died for sure.

Now she's got a solid 50-50 chance.

50-50? Well, it's not bad when you operate on the same table where you

clean fish.

Ah, careful. Not too much of that stuff.

I once chugged a bucket of that. I ended up in Saskatoon wearing pasties and wig

tips.

Um, do you mind if I have a few minutes alone with...

Shut the bullwinkle, please.

I understand.

Okay, come on, Fielding.

Relax here.

After all, you only did what was right.

Right?

Right.

Right?

You are listening to this, aren't you?

Well, if you are, I have just one question.

What did I do to deserve this?

Don't answer that.

You know something? I'm going to tell you right now, though. It's not entirely

my fault, this lifestyle I lead.

Women, for instance.

I mean, you didn't have to make women so... So... Could

have given them a trunk, a tuss.

Not that that would have stopped me.

So, listen, what's the story? Do you feel some kind of need to punish me?

Well, fine, fine. Punish me. I mean, send out a boil or two. I can take it.

But you don't put them on the face anymore, do you?

Doesn't matter. I can handle it. Just... Don't take it out on Kista.

Listen.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

If you let Kista live, I promise...

Boy, it always comes down to this, doesn't it?

This is where I say I'll be good from now on.

Well, forget it.

You and I know what I'm capable of.

Look.

If you let Keister live, I promise...

I'll try to be a little better.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, and if you just happen to think about getting around to it, would you

get me the hell out of here?

Doc,

what is it?

You ever sit on a set of antlers?

Keith, you're awake.

You're doing fine, Fielding. Temperature's normal.

Vital signs are all good.

She's gonna make it.

Oh, we did it. Doc!

That must hurt.

Oh, yes.

Oh, pain shot all the way up to here. Oh, thanks.

Dan Fielding?

Yes. Keith, you're feeling better?

Gordon Mooney say you saved my life.

Oh, well.

It's nothing more than any other decent, courageous, remarkably attractive man

would have done.

I never thought that when I first see the sleeping stranger, that he would

take up my appendix.

Well, gee, I hope you don't think that was too forward of me.

We had to make sure you got better so you could come visit me in New York

City. Maybe Nami Lama come visit you, too.

Oh, sure, you can sleep in the fridge so you don't get homesick.

What happened?

Akbar get radio working.

Ah, excuse me. He's dead.

Akbar. I love you, you're a beautiful girl. I love you. How did you get it to

work? Come on, find the switch. Turn it on.

I guess that's why he chief.

Hello? Hello, this is Gordon Mooney. Can anybody hear me?

I got somebody!

Going home?

Oh, whoa.

Listen, you lugs, too, I'm not going to forget you. When I get back, I'm sending

back gifts. Breath mints for everybody.

And you, little lady, as soon as you get better, I'm sending you a plane ticket

and you're coming to New York.

I said I'd write.

Well,

this must be the place.

You get the feeling nobody's getting lucky in New York City tonight?

Well, how's it going?

Wally's got them primed and ready to go. There wasn't a dry eye on the house when

he played Roll Out the Coffin.

My God, can you believe all these are for Dan?

Rest in peace, Dan.

Your friends at Bob's Battery City.

Afternoon, Your Honor.

Hi, Phil.

What's this?

It's a copy of Dan's favorite letter to Penthouse.

I had it framed.

I think Dan would have wanted it this way.

I know Dan would have wanted it this way.

So what do you say we take a seat and get started, huh?

Good afternoon, everybody.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm Judge Harold T. Stone.

Well, I guess some of you do know me.

Each of us here today had his or her own special relationship

with Dan Fielding.

Friend, acquaintance, business associate.

We are not here to mourn the passing of the man as much as we are here to

celebrate his life.

I think we can all agree that Dan Fielding was a wonderful man.

Well,

then we can agree that he had outstanding qualities.

Well,

certainly we can agree that he was tall.

I'll be expanding on that height thing as the...

Service continues.

Right now, does anyone want to get up and say something about Dan?

I'd like to say something.

Yes, the lady in the canine wear.

Dan was one of the most thoughtful, sensitive men I ever knew.

The two of us had many shared interests.

In fact...

One of Dan's favorite things was when I'd put my legs behind my neck.

Well, thank you.

For that nearly inspirational thought.

All right, who's next?

You want to see what you know about Dan?

In front of everybody?

Mac, help me out.

Let me see.

Dan Fielding.

Well, he always kept his fingernails nicely trimmed.

Thank you.

Who was this Fielding guy?

I've seen people get more choked up flushing goldfish.

Buddy, he was my friend.

We were all Dan's friends.

And sure, it's tough for us to articulate how we felt about him because

he was special.

Dan Fielding was more than just an attorney.

He was more than just a man.

Dan Fielding was... a mammal.

That was mine.

Excuse me, Your Honor, I have something to say.

Please, Ross.

Can I help you?

Yes, I'm here for the funeral of a wonderful, warm, substantial man.

Sorry, this is the fielding, sir.

The Dan Fielding I knew was a self-centered, egotistical, boot

-licking... Disgustingly perverted sack of slime in a $500 suit.

She can't say that.

Put a sock in it, Furfate.

Dan's every action had an ulterior motive.

If he gave you the shirt off his back, you can bet his pants and underwear

would quickly follow.

But I also remember another Dan Fielding.

In a time when I went into insulin shock, I was on a ledge, hallucinating.

Without regard for his own personal safety,

Dan Fielding saved my life.

Yes, Dan Fielding.

The same man who has the length of his tongue printed on his business card.

Because of Dan, that I'm able to be here to badmouth him today.

I miss you, Dan.

We all miss Dan.

And that is why we're here.

Because he was a part of our lives.

And maybe that's all that needs to be said.

Like hell it is.

Would you shut up, Dan? I'm trying to... Dan!

You're alive!

Huggy!

Don't expect a refund just because he's alive.

Guys, I can't breathe.

Whoever groped me, thanks.

Dad, they told us you were dead.

Nearly. I was rescued by a seal and nursed back to health by an enormous

Eskimo lady.

These cod liver all in an enema.

Hey, look, what do you say we go to McCann's and celebrate? You can fill us

in on all the details.

Will you ladies join us?

Geez, Dan, first you're dead, now you're alive.

I hate a man who can't make a commitment.

Podbots! Kathy, Candy, Bambi, Mindy, Cindy!

Come on!

I've got so much to share with you. I've learned how to gut a fish and tie up a

dog team.

Party animal. Hey, look, let's blow this joint. Let's hear some of those stories.

Yeah, let's go.

The dead guy's buying.

You know, I had a beard once.

Why'd you shave it off?

Shave it off?

That would have been a lot easier.

I'm glad you're back, Dan.

Missed me, huh?

I was beginning to believe that what I wore under my clothing was my business.

Perished the thought.

Dan, I know we've had our differences, but...

When I thought that you were dead, I felt so... so...

But now that you're alive, I feel so... so...

Excuse me.

Tissue time.

I've missed you, pal. Oh, God, Harry, I've missed you, too.

Dan, you...

You... You really stink.

Yeah, I know, but it's nothing that a bar of soap and a belt sander won't fix.

So it was weird trying to put together a memorial service for you.

Memorial? Ah, is that what you call this? This wasn't a memorial, Harry. It

was a roast.

What's the matter? Slappy white and red buttons weren't available?

Well, you know, you're not exactly an easy guy to sum up in a couple of words.

I mean, what do you say about a man who one minute is saving someone's life and

the next minute is taking bets on a nun's bra size?

Well, I am what I am.

Yeah, well, whatever it is that you is, it's good to have it back.

Thanks, Henry. It is great to be back.

Must have been hell up north.

Oh, yeah, but you know what? It had its moment, too. And there was this cute

little number up there. She'd have knocked your socks off, I tell you. I

told her as soon as she gets to New York, she's got to come and visit me.

She got a sister?