Original subtitles

Where the hell is Harry? He's over a minute late.

What's the matter, Dan? Your date getting paid by the hour?

No.

It just so happens that the assistant DAs have a pool going this month to see

who gets the most convictions.

By total volume or percentage?

Raw tonnage.

What? Yeah, every defendant's weight is right here on the rap sheet. Whoever

convicts the most flesh by midnight...

wins $2,000.

Talking about living off the fat of the land.

Manhattan Public Court Part 2 is now in session.

Your Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Thank you, Bull Pardo. Thank you, friends.

And let's play criminal justice, the game of crime and punishment, where the

fines can double and those sentences can really add up. McVanna, let's meet

today's lucky defendants.

What is that, a joke?

There must be 200 files there.

207, Your Honor.

207? That would normally take us days.

Excuse me, Hoss.

Any chance of me getting out of here by midnight?

Well, that depends on where you are on the docket, Mr... Edwards.

Otis Edwards.

Seems you folks got some kind of namby-bamby law against a man jumping

naked into the fountain of Lincoln Center.

It's to keep the hair out of the drain.

I'm sure you had a real good reason for doing that.

Absolutely. Fellow bet me ten bucks I wouldn't.

Guess you showed him.

And everyone else.

Here it is, sir. Number 207 on the docket. Dead last.

Dead last? Yeah.

Judge, I gotta be in Tokyo tomorrow to sign a contract worth over $30 million.

You jeopardized a $30 million contract for a $10 bet?

I know it sounds like I got me a longhorn loaf for brains.

But you see, there's just something inside of me that won't let me pass up a

wager. Well, Mr. Edwards, I'm afraid you're going to have to wait your turn

just like everyone else. Take a seat and try to keep your shirt on.

And your pants.

Okay, Mac, let's get going. What's first?

Here we go, sir.

First case, refusing an order to vacate people versus sisters Laurie, Moe, and

Carla.

Mr.

Prosecutor, that will be enough.

Slightly!

Your Honor, this is John Morley. He works for the bank that holds the deed

on the orphanage run here by the Sisters of Perpetual Poverty.

Judge, he's trying to evict us.

You foreclosed on an orphanage? It's even better than the guy said it would

be.

Sir, the Sisters missed a few mortgage payments, and apparently Mr. Morley's

bank feels that $300,000 is more important than 84 innocent children.

It's not the $300,000.

The $3 million we can sell the land for.

Judge, can they do this?

Well, unfortunately, if you did default... Hold it right there, Judge.

I got a great idea for a bet.

That's swell, Mr. Edwards.

Could it wait eight hours or so? I'm kind of knee-deep in nuns here.

Well, that's what I'm talking about.

I got $300,000 to your nothing that says you can't get me out of here by

midnight. And if I do?

I pay off their mortgage.

Our prayers are answered.

Wait a second. You cannot show him preferential treatment.

Judge. He's right. We've got to take all the cases in order. All 207 of them. Oh,

sir, we can do it. We'll have to work through our breaks, but I'm willing.

So am I, sir.

Dan, what do you think?

207 cases average 157 pounds per case.

Let's do it for the kids, Harry.

Well, I'm going to make this a $200 fine, and I hope that you have learned

your lesson. You may think it's a big joke, but there is nothing funny about

standing and waving while you're driving. It's grandstanding, it's

dangerous, it's daredevil joyriding, and it has got to stop.

many so far?

Uh, that was number 43, Your Honor.

That's all?

Mm-hmm. We'll never get through 207 cases by midnight at this pace. Come on,

people. We're up here yakking precious seconds of ticking away, and those

orphans are that much closer to being put out on the street. How big was your

bet, Dan? $2,000.

And you know what? If I didn't need a big screen TV, I'd give every penny of

it to those waiters.

You are an example to us all. Matt?

Uh, people versus the Klemper family, sir.

Assault.

These are all defendants?

All 932 pounds of them, sir.

At Mr. Clemper's funeral, they attacked the mortician here without provocation.

Without provocation after what this ghoul put us through?

Your Honor, they just misunderstood my new concept in funerals.

Any chance?

Well, people are always trying to make death a downer.

I mean, they show up with long faces, crying.

Gets so darn depressing.

That's mourners for you. So it came to me. What's the first three letters in

funeral? F-U-N, right?

What I'm trying to do is put the fun back in the funeral.

Fun? Your Honor, I went to that mortuary expecting to find something tasteful and

dignified. And instead, I find this bumper sticker on my husband's casket.

I'd rather be breathing.

Not the worst of it. When they opened the casket, the late Mr. Klemper was

wearing a T-shirt that said, Yesterday was the last day of the rest of my life.

Mr. Harris, you are charged with selling stolen property in your auction house.

How do you plead? Your Honor, my client would like to plea bargain.

Prosecution? Fine.

Okey-doke. Bargain away.

Do I hear guilty, though, Mr.

Meaner, Mr. Meaner?

$50, $50, $50, $50, $50?

property. Seventy-five, seventy-five, seventy-five, dollar fine.

Seventy-six, seventy-seven, here's seventy-eight. Going once, going twice.

I'll take petty theft and five days in jail. How about three? Three, I got

three. Three days in jail, I got any dollar, any dollar, any dollar fine. An

old American.

Well, I'll be hornswoggled. That's 18 minutes.

and D.A. McKenzie's got a 960-pound lead on you.

What? Yeah, he convicted those four huge wrestlers who beat up the ringside

spectators. They arrest people for that?

And the way I heard it, they broke two arms, fractured six ribs, and put a

mother of four in traction for a month.

You just don't want me to win, do you, Harry?

Sir, we are halfway there.

This is case number 100.

People versus Ringer, Babcock, and Dodds.

More sticks!

things turn ugly at the Tupperware party?

Not quite. The charge is operating a phone sex service without a license.

Your Honor, we aren't doing anything wrong. In this day and age, people need

a safe outlet for their primal urges.

I don't mean to offend you ladies, but are there really that many people who

like to fantasize while they're talking to... A bunch of old broads?

Okay. They don't know how old we are. I always have a phone persona to heighten

the fantasy.

Hi.

I'm Bent Barbara.

For me?

Well, no, lass, I'm afraid you're mistaken.

She's right. I know that voice.

Sir, if you think it would be great. Panthers here, can we get on to the next

case? Those little kiddies.

Now I know.

Martha is Dick Vasolino.

Obviously, yeah.

You can't fool us, Dick. Not after sharing so many of your deepest...

darkest, most intimate fantasies.

So... you must be Christine.

Well, Mr. DeYoung, according to this police report, you broke into Hennigan's

Plumbing Supply Warehouse. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

Prove it.

The court takes that as a not guilty plea and the defendant is remanded over

for trial. Ross?

Sisters, just want to let you know that everything's going to be okay.

That's very comforting.

We'll do everything we can to keep you and the kids from being evicted.

107 cases is a lot, but we've done it before.

Excuse me, but I think that's 207 cases.

Pray all

you want, sisters.

Come midnight, that orphanage becomes bank property.

People versus Phillips, disturbing the peace and destruction of property.

It was a protest.

It was merely exercising my constitutional right to civil

disobedience. Your Honor, my client is an animal rights activist.

So what did she do? Stage a protest at an animal research facility?

No, she broke open a lobster tank at Arnie's Seafood House.

Afterwards, she carried the unshackled shellfish outside, put them on the

ground, and shouted to them, I quote, run like the wind.

According to the report, one of them almost made it to a cab.

How would you like to be lured into a cage, dropped in boiling water, then

drenched in butter and laid out in a display case?

Your place or mine?

I feel that my client's moral views about the animal world mitigates her

actions. If I had rescued a human being from certain death, I'd be considered a

hero. Well, in my opinion, every living creature is worthy of our respect and

our friendship.

Scots, though you will, I see no difference between love of people and

love of animals.

With you in a minute, hon.

First is Becker, Weissman, Rogers, and Evans performing in a public place

without a permit.

I ain't playing.

So we plead guilty.

We know we're guilty.

Oh, yes, we did it. So now we're guilty.

They confessed their guilt, they told no lies, but oh how they can harmonize.

That's a $25 fine, but I'm gonna suspend it.

Oh, I'm just wild about Harry.

You know, Mr. Edwards, I have got to tell you, I think

what you're doing is wonderful.

Well, I ain't done nothing yet.

But if I may say so, that perfume you got on could charm the ticks off a

bloodhound.

Well, that's what it said on the box.

All right, Jim Schaefer.

260, not bad, not bad, but not great. Here, eat up.

I really got to go to the John. Hey, not until you're convicted. It's a federal

law.

How many we got left, Mac? What? I'd say about 35.

Try 81, sir.

Yikes.

He's not giving up, is he? Are you kidding? No judge in all of Manhattan

has more heart, perseverance, or determination than Harold T. Stone.

Sure, they've got the cutest, biggest eyes, just like the paintings in a motel

hallway.

Yeah, and poor little Mikey.

He'll probably turn to a life of crime.

Take a good look at him, Judge, because you're going to see him real soon.

No, no, sister, I know what you're trying to do. You're trying to

manipulate me, but it's not going to work.

for. You've given up on me. Next case, Matt.

People versus Costanza, sir.

Assault. Sir, my client admits to striking Mr. Murdoch here, but he claims

that he had more than sufficient provocation. Well, Mr. Costanza, I'm

afraid there's really no such thing as sufficient provocation for punching

someone in the... Excuse me, Mr. Murdoch.

Did you just say exactly... Mr. Murdoch.

That's just what he kept doing to me, Your Honor.

And he didn't stop.

I bought...

Well,

Mr. Costanza, I'm going to reduce the charges to wingtips.

I can't help it. It started when I was six and a neighbor kid did it to me. I

guess it's just contagious.

Well, I suggest you seek some good professional help.

Did you all just say, now cut that out?

I'm not kidding.

This thing's on the blank again.

Two minutes and two cases, sir. Well, then let us put the pedal to the metal

and waste no words. Gotcha.

People versus. Wagner.

Prostitution. Positively. Prosecution. Pictures. Objection. Ground.

Entrapment. Ridiculous. Reason.

Witnesses. Overruled. Darn.

Plead. Guilty. Motion.

Leniency. Granted.

Fine. Fifty. Finished.

Freebie. Forget it.

Sir, we're almost there. Last case before Mr. Edwards. Only one minute to

make... It doesn't make any difference. I'm never going to make it. I'm 318

pounds behind.

People versus Riley, petty theft.

Sweet job of the heart.

I'll make you, what, 450?

No, I don't.

You gave me a mountain.

Come on, people. We can still make it. It's a prosecution. We have a signed

confession that he stole a car stereo, sir. Defense. He has no prior record.

Defense asks for leniency, sir. Do you have anything to say for yourself?

No. Is there anything else? Big screen TV party at my house.

Wait!

The man is innocent!

Your Honor, I'm the one who stole the radio.

I'm the one you want.

Not Joey. Joey didn't do it. I did it.

Don't listen to this toothpick!

Send this behemoth to jail!

Tick-tock, sir.

You gotta listen to me. There isn't time!

Damn it, we're gonna make it.

This is first and foremost a court of law.

Tell your story.

Your Honor, this is my brother.

I'm on parole.

And he knew the next conviction would send me up for good.

That's why he confessed.

Okay, then. We'll remand this one over... It's midnight!

The grand jury.

Happy foreclosure, everyone.

You little runt.

Why couldn't you be more like your brother?

I was this close.

Too bad, Judge.

I was rooting for you.

Oh, come on, Mr. Edwards. You're not going to let a couple of seconds stop

you from helping out those kids, are you? Oh, Judge, I'm a gambling man.

I could lose half a million on a bet and never blink twice, but I just couldn't

give money away.

You should have seen the look on your faces when that clock struck twelve. It

was priceless.

Will you quit making him do that?

I'll tell you what, Judge.

I'll give you another shot.

I'll arm-wrestle you for it.

Come on, Mr. Edwards, be fair. Take a look at his arms. He can clean out pipe

stems with those things.

I think what Miss Sullivan meant to say is that despite appearances, I am

deceptively strong and wiry.

And you, sir, have just made a $300,000 mistake.

You're on.

Whoa!

You can do it, sir!

Do it for the orphans, sir!

We're all behind you, sir.

He doesn't stand a chance against you, Harry.

20 bucks on Otis.

We'll be praying for you, Judge.

Like we never prayed before.

Remember, no kicking, no spitting.

and you keep your elbow glued to the table like a moth on a windshield.

Got it. Good.

Let's go.

Okay.

to go to the bathroom yeah

thanks for the update think of the 300 grand sir right

now i'm thinking about the blood clot that's rushing to my brain

we've got to do something like what

I got a play to win.

Hate to disappoint the fans.

Guess we showed him, huh?

We sure did.

Pipe cleaners, you say?

He never knew what hit him.

Yeah, I guess you never know what you're capable of until you're desperate.

There you are.

300,000 little heifers.

Bless you.

It's worth every penny.

Don't tell them, will you?

Ma'am, where would I begin?

You had us worried, sir.

Well, to tell you the truth, Mac, I was a bit worried myself.

But just as things began to look their darkest, I looked them in the eye.

And I saw something there. It was astonishment.

Confusion.

Nay. even a little fear I then knew that he knew that he

was in the presence of greatness