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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 0 00:00:00,000 --> 00:00:01,100 English (HI) Subtitles. Workaholics S04E03 (720p) Snackers - BrRip [KoTuWa] 1 00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:02,588 - ♪ They found me in the woods ♪ 2 00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,837 ♪ 'Cause I was raised by possums ♪ 3 00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,507 ♪ You wouldn't believe it, but the life was awesome ♪ 4 00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,842 ♪ I was the most crucial marsupial ♪ 5 00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:12,261 [man cries out] Can I help you? 6 00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:13,930 - Oh! Oh! 7 00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:15,848 Ders, I didn't know anybody else was in here, man. 8 00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:17,225 You scared the crap out of me. 9 00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,519 - The shower's running, Karl. 10 00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:21,729 - Did you catch it? 11 00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,523 Ha! You didn't get it. It was a joke. 12 00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:26,025 [laughs] - Get out now. 13 00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,276 - Oh, my God, come on, man. 14 00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:28,736 I flushed my hacky sack down there. 15 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,738 I got to get my hacky sack back, Jack. 16 00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,949 - [sighs] Fine. And then get out of here. 17 00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:36,077 - Jesus. Thank God I come from plumbing stock. 18 00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,954 Mammy and Grambo were two of the best. 19 00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,455 - Oh, my... dude! 20 00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,332 There's a bunch of dookie in there. 21 00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,167 You said it was a hacky sack. - Well, yeah. 22 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,712 I had to take a crap, and the sink was too high, man. 23 00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:47,338 Come on, what do you expect? 24 00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,299 - I hate you. Get out. Give me the monkey-wrench thing. 25 00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,385 - Fine. Give it a shot. - Oh, my God! 26 00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:54,011 - Well, as long as we get this thing unclogged 27 00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,471 before my party, I'll be fine. 28 00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,390 - Wait. What party? Ow! Oh. 29 00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:59,475 I just loosened something. - Yeah, you did. 30 00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:03,104 - Oh! 31 00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:05,314 - Oh, my hacky sack. Nice, dude. Thank you. 32 00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:08,317 [beatboxing] 33 00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:09,444 ♪ ♪ 34 00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,988 - ♪ I'm fresh ♪ 35 00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:14,073 - ♪ You gotta, you gotta, you gotta, gotta ♪ 36 00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,284 - ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪ 37 00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:18,911 - Yeah, it smells like farts though. 38 00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,079 - It does smell like farts. 39 00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:25,042 - We are not throwing a party for Karl! 40 00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:26,669 - What are you talking about? Karl's episode 41 00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,546 of Cheaters is re-airing. You know the one, 42 00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:31,174 where he gets caught munching that married chick's carp. 43 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,633 [laughter] 44 00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,218 - You loved that party last year. 45 00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,888 Remember all those star-fugger chicks were, like, 46 00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:40,516 "Oh! Oh!" Like, ready. 47 00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,851 - They didn't actually make that noise, 48 00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,186 but they were throwing out the vibe. 49 00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:44,520 - Yeah, they were throwing that vibe. 50 00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,314 It was more of a vibe than a noise. 51 00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,024 - Okay, yes, we are definitely gonna have this party then. 52 00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,067 - I'm hoping this year to have some, like, intercourse, 53 00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:52,320 'cause last year I just had, like, a ton of outercourse. 54 00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,322 So I'm hoping to get inside this time. 55 00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,782 - I believe in you. 56 00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,158 - Thank you. - All right, hold up, hold up. 57 00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,993 You guys want to fuck my fan club, 58 00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,286 that's totally cool with me. 59 00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,996 That's legitimate. But... 60 00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,664 you better not run out of snacks 61 00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,166 like you did last time, okay? 62 00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,751 I'm not showing up unless you guys get me 63 00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:11,464 a giant popcorn tin with three flavors of popcorn... 64 00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,925 Caramel, cheddar, 65 00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:16,677 and whatever else comes in it. 66 00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:19,680 - Popcorn diva. - He's changed. 67 00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,557 - Yeah, TV changed a man. 68 00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,851 - But you know what that means. 69 00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,478 We got to go snack shopping. 70 00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,355 - Yeah. - And, Ders... 71 00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,566 wearing a towel like a woman... 72 00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,610 that's funny, dude! - [laughs] 73 00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,529 - Pretty good, right? - Yes. 74 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:35,947 - I was getting out of the shower, I looked in the mirror, 75 00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,115 I was like, "just do it." 76 00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,537 - What the hell? 77 00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,288 - Who stole all the snacks? - You know what? 78 00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:49,001 I bet it was us... the other day. 79 00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:52,088 - Freak! Oh, cool, a Clif bar. 80 00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:53,506 I'd rather jump off one 81 00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,049 than eat one of those disgusting things! 82 00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,009 - Right? They suck. They're dry. 83 00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,554 - Let's go talk to Alice about how pissed we are! 84 00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,681 - Got a bone to pick. 85 00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,140 - I'm actually gonna eat this. 86 00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:05,268 These aren't as bad as I said earlier. 87 00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,687 [telephone rings] 88 00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:10,773 - Oh, God! Do you not knock? 89 00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,358 - The break room has been robbed. 90 00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,110 There are thieves in our midst. 91 00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:17,780 - Yes. And we, the dudes, have the right to bear snacks. 92 00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:20,783 - That's right, so gummy bears, Teddy Grahams, 93 00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:22,910 honey, salmon... these are... 94 00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,704 - And they have those really good ones with the white bag, 95 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,080 with the frosting and the sprinkles. 96 00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,874 - Okay, listen up, everyone. 97 00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,626 [clears throat] Okay, I am sick and tired 98 00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,295 of hearing about the goddamn break room. 99 00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,422 - Yep. - "Oh, where's my Jell-O?" 100 00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,257 "Waymond's putting his fingers in my peanut butter." 101 00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,509 Choose someone to be in charge of the snacks, 102 00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:41,345 and I will give them my Costco card, the end. 103 00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,307 - Never fear, Monteezy is here. 104 00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,142 Colleen got me on this new-age diet, 105 00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:49,186 and I'm looking two words: Dee-licious. 106 00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,563 - You look horrible. - Yeah. Still... 107 00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:51,731 - Yeah, you look really bad. - Listen. 108 00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:52,940 I say we take the break room 109 00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,234 and we "healthify" this bitch. 110 00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,153 You know, I used to be like, "Aw, hell, kale?" 111 00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,614 now I'm like, "All hail kale!" 112 00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,241 - I said the same thing. - And these juice cleanses... 113 00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,535 got my skin glowing like Paula Abdul. 114 00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:05,786 - I fucks with that. 115 00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,330 - Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop the clock. 116 00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,290 Okay, check yourself before you elect yourself. 117 00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,209 We're gonna have a proper election happening here. 118 00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:13,920 - Okay, who else is gonna run? 119 00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:16,964 - We will, like, together as, like... 120 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,300 Like, we'll be combined, like Voltron, 121 00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,801 except for we're not gonna run. 122 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:24,221 We're gonna sprint, like Usain Bolt-ron. 123 00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:25,890 - What? [laughter] 124 00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:29,018 - How did I think of that? That was so good. 125 00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:31,187 That was so good. That was smart of me. 126 00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,730 I was like Jay Z. I was like Andre 3000. 127 00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,982 - If you could just excuse us for one second. 128 00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,276 - That was amazing. - Thank you. 129 00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,570 - But we can't elect ourselves because they're gonna know 130 00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,280 we're stealing the snacks, you dig? 131 00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,783 - But, dude, did you hear? The Costco card, man... 132 00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:46,494 That's, like, bulk snacks, samplers, bulk booze. 133 00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,662 - Kirkland! 134 00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,080 - Kirkland. - Kirkland. 135 00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,665 - You know about that. It's so good. 136 00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:51,999 - Best vodka. - Yeah, I rep Kirkland. 137 00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,125 - Here's what we're gonna do. 138 00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,502 We're gonna elect Jillian. 139 00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,295 That way, we'll tell her what to buy. 140 00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,880 We'll steal from her. It wont come back to us. 141 00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,715 We'll be geniuses. - Yeah, she'll be... 142 00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,592 She'll be like Elmo, and we'll be that 143 00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:04,345 allegedly black pervert dude with our hand up her butt. 144 00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,598 - Yeah. - I'm gonna unhuddle now. 145 00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,892 Guys, so for the election that I was talking about, 146 00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,936 we elect Jillian. 147 00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,438 - Whoo! Wait. What? 148 00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,023 No. No, no, no, no. I'm sorry. 149 00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,942 Whenever I'm given responsibility, 150 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:21,487 I turn into a crazy person, and I am not crazy. 151 00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:22,863 - You are, though, right? 152 00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,992 - Hey, we are your campaign team, okay? 153 00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:28,494 Uh, Blake will be your image consultant, all right? 154 00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:32,415 And, uh, Adam... political advisor. 155 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,208 - Hi-de-ho, good neighbor. 156 00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,669 - And I'll be campaign manager, of course, okay? 157 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,963 - Why do you get to be campaign manager, huh? 158 00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,507 That doesn't sound like teamwork, Ders. 159 00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,301 - I'm taking a leadership role, okay? 160 00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:45,678 You can't spell it without "Ders." 161 00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,054 - You can't spell "it" without "Ders." 162 00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,931 I-t. I just did. 163 00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,433 I guess I'm a freakin' genius. 164 00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,977 - Anders, do you now know how to spell "it"? 165 00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:55,312 - Yeah, are you an it-iot? 166 00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:57,606 [laughter] - It-iot. I-t-o-t. 167 00:05:57,733 --> 00:06:01,694 - Leadership! 168 00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:05,614 - Okay, whatever, man. Fine. I'll be the political advisor. 169 00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,658 I'll 'vise the shib out of your ads. 170 00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,160 That's something I'm willing to do. 171 00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,704 But in return, we need to do something for me 172 00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,330 using my strength and my muscles. 173 00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:16,542 I shall be head security detail. 174 00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,211 - I would love that. I'd feel a lot safer with that. 175 00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:22,465 - Cool, 'cause I know a lot more about protecting people! 176 00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,592 - Whoa! - Whoa, Waymond. 177 00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,094 Running security. So, if you have any issues... 178 00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,929 You're looking good. Dust it off. 179 00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,181 - He's shook. 180 00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:31,348 - Well, don't be a bitch about it, you know? 181 00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,392 [beatboxing] - ♪ The boys are fresh ♪ 182 00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,645 [beatboxing] 183 00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:38,439 - Okay, politics are all about image, right? 184 00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:39,899 That's why we got you looking like 185 00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,734 the porn star from Nailin' Paylin. 186 00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,527 - You look great. - Here, final touch... 187 00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,405 Put these chicken cutlets in your boob cups. 188 00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,783 - Go ahead. - You think this is a good idea? 189 00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,367 - Oh, yeah, you kidding me? 190 00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,203 Big titties... They command respect. 191 00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,705 Yeah, you got to have at least those Kat Dennings upstairs 192 00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,248 to get anywhere in this world. 193 00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,501 - Okay? - Yes. 194 00:06:58,627 --> 00:06:59,794 - Wait, what's his name? 195 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,005 - Um, what's, uh, your name again? 196 00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:06,092 - Gil. - Gil. 197 00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:07,843 Okay, his name is Gil. - Okay. 198 00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,553 - He works here. - Here? 199 00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,555 - Yeah. Talk about that. 200 00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,266 - Hey, Gil. My name is Gillian Belk, 201 00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:17,186 and I work here too. No, I'm sorry... Jillian. 202 00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:21,357 I'm Jillian Bleck. Nope. Bleck. Blelk. 203 00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:24,276 Blocks. My name's Bling... 204 00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:25,986 - Don't... Just start from the top. 205 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,864 - Uh... my name's... Bleh. - Just start over. 206 00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,741 - I can't. I'm gonna throw up. 207 00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:34,370 Hi, Bill. My name is Jillian Belk. 208 00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:35,663 And I'll shop for you. 209 00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,790 That's my slogan. I thought of it. 210 00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,209 - Just make sure you buy lots of Fruity Pebbles, okay? 211 00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,877 They're bomb-dot-com. 212 00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,004 - Yeah, I'm gonna need to take these for testing. 213 00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,381 Make sure there's no ricin. 214 00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:48,300 Mmm. No, don't taste any rice in it, 215 00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:51,262 but I'm gonna keep these for testing... it's a security thing. 216 00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,305 - Let me get some of those, man. They're so good. 217 00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,016 - That's my lunch, you troll! 218 00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,768 - What did you say? 219 00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,562 - Come on. Come on. 220 00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,689 Ugh! 221 00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,901 - You should, like, come hang out with us sometime, man. 222 00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:07,486 - Yeah, that'd be cool. 223 00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:08,779 - Ladies and gentlemen, 224 00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,114 if I could please have your attention. 225 00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,616 [whistles] Up here. 226 00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:16,245 - Hey, I'm Montez's real doctor. I swear to God. 227 00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,998 I've seen his penis, and I've stuck this finger up his heinie. 228 00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:21,167 One question... Why would Montez Walker 229 00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:23,878 need to eat healthy when a Google search showed 230 00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,463 Montez Walker having zero healthy problems? 231 00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,966 Sounds to me like he's a healthy liar. 232 00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,759 Jillian Belk is a real cool chica, 233 00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,428 and I vibe with her. 234 00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,555 Oh, I'm a doctor, and I-I'm a real doctor, 235 00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,182 and I approve of that. 236 00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:38,309 - And I approve of that. 237 00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,603 I'm Jillian Belk, and I'll shop for you. 238 00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,980 That's my slogan. - She made it up herself. 239 00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,899 - Let's show some respect. Waymond! 240 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,693 - She looks good. - Clap. There we go. 241 00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:50,529 - Hi, I'm Bill, and I'll be your moderator 242 00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,615 for this afternoon's debate. 243 00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:55,201 First question is for Mr. Walker. 244 00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,453 Mr. Walker, what would be your first act 245 00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,205 as break room manager? 246 00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:00,539 - Thank you, Bill. 247 00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,166 - [imitating flatulence] 248 00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,293 - Uh, I'm gonna give the people what they need... 249 00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:06,378 Healthy, organic snacks. 250 00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:09,757 - Interesting, because what we need is someone 251 00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,967 who will shop for what we want. 252 00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,303 [light applause] - Amen. 253 00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,388 - Don't you know people need to be told what they want, 254 00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,098 'cause it's actually what they need? 255 00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,516 - Where'd you learn that... 256 00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,518 From your wife that has you on that diet? 257 00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,395 - Damn! 258 00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,773 - I don't want to be on his wife's diet. Do you? 259 00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,191 - No. - I don't. 260 00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,734 - Don't you think I want my Bugles 261 00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,778 and my Famous Amoses and all that stuff there? 262 00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,363 - I'll shop for you. 263 00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,073 - You better back up, woman, or this health kick 264 00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,075 gonna turn into a karate kick. I got a beige belt! 265 00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,035 It's a beige belt! - I hate you. 266 00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:39,161 - Fuck him up. 267 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,955 - I'll shop for you. 268 00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,539 - You're really... You're trippin' right now. 269 00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,333 I mean, nah. I mean, I like being healthy. 270 00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:45,709 I feel good. 271 00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,127 Don't y'all want to feel good too? 272 00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,588 - No. - I will shop for you. 273 00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,675 - You know? I mean, it's called "junk food" for a reason. 274 00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:55,302 You know, that's why she get all loud and physical. 275 00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,263 - I'll shop for you. - I love Colleen... 276 00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,056 but I can't... I can't do this no more. 277 00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,599 I don't want to eat like this! 278 00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,226 - You don't have to. I'll shop for you. 279 00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,144 - No more kale. - I will shop for you. 280 00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,981 - I'm tired of this shrubbery. I'm not a rabbit, Jillian! 281 00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,649 - I will shop for you! - No more quinoa. 282 00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,526 Fuck quinoa, Jillian! 283 00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,152 I want some Bugles! 284 00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,529 I want some Corn Nuts! - I know you do. 285 00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,572 - I need some Corn Nuts, Jillian. 286 00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:17,992 - I will get you Bugles, 287 00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,911 and I will get you Corn Nuts... 288 00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:23,622 - [sobbing] - Because I will shop for you. 289 00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,833 I will shop for all of you! 290 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,459 - Yeah. - I will shop for you. 291 00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:29,837 - Yeah. - I will shop for all of you. 292 00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,880 - She will shop for you! 293 00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,508 - We're voting for Jillian. - Yes! I won. 294 00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,593 - We told Jillian to get that giant popcorn tin 295 00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,928 from Costco, right? 296 00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,513 Karl said he wanted it for Saturday. 297 00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,432 - We did, but now that I'm thinking about it, 298 00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,517 I think I forgot to tell her to get Kirkland jeans. 299 00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,644 - I told her. - Nice. 300 00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,230 - I told her to get Kirkland polos and leather sandals. 301 00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,983 - Dude, three dudes in matching Kirkland 'fits? 302 00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,776 More like "Twirkland," right? - Yeah. 303 00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,194 - Girls are gonna be slobbin' on our knobs 304 00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,821 like corn on our penises! 305 00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,740 What the hell? 306 00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,158 [cats meowing] 307 00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:02,661 What? 308 00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,914 - What's the matter, boys? Pussies got your snacks? 309 00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,624 - Snatch? What? - What? 310 00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:10,461 - As break room manager, I put all snacks 311 00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,671 under strict lock and key. 312 00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,381 You want a can of soda pop? 313 00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,091 You got to go through me. 314 00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,344 You want T.P. to wipe your little butt-butts? 315 00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:21,513 Let's chat. Seriously, let's chat, Blake. 316 00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,558 - Hey, what is this? Some kind of sick joke? 317 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,518 - Oh, my gosh, are those Kirkland jeans? 318 00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:28,437 - Oh, these? Yeah, they are Kirkland. 319 00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:31,440 And I'm looking like a boss, though, in head-to-toe Costco. 320 00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,233 - They look good. - You know, boys, 321 00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,652 when I went on my listening tour, the number-one complaint 322 00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:37,863 was that people were stealing supplies. 323 00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,908 So I installed this high-tech security system. 324 00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,242 You see that? 325 00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,536 - I'm pissed now! 326 00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:47,790 You t-take the snacks out of this contraptions 327 00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:50,084 that you've locked 'em up in immediately! 328 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,461 And that is an order, starting now. Go! 329 00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:54,588 - I don't just shop for you, all right? 330 00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,757 I shop for everyone! - Give me those jeans! 331 00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:57,966 - No. Get off. - Get the jeans. 332 00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,134 Take her jeans. - Blake, stop it! 333 00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,428 - Stop! - Ow, your keys hit me. 334 00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,554 - The jig is up! 335 00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,139 And if you guys get hungry, 336 00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,641 you can snack on these. 337 00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:06,850 all: Oh... - Satisfy your appetite. 338 00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,143 - Are those your titties? 339 00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,978 Did she just pull her titties out? 340 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,775 - ♪ Kick it ♪ [beatboxing] 341 00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:18,153 - No snacks, no party, no star-fuggers. 342 00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,322 That means no place to put our boners, 343 00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:22,574 except in our hands... again. 344 00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,743 - It's not as fun... I've got calluses from working out. 345 00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,621 - I don't know, maybe we should just get our snacks at 7-Eleven. 346 00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,706 That's what we always do. - What? 347 00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:32,626 - 7-Eleven doesn't have party tins full of popcorn, okay? 348 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,420 That's what Karl asked for. 349 00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,505 All I'm saying is we are supposed to be living 350 00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,757 that crazy Costco life. - I know. 351 00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,926 - I don't know if I've ever told you guys this story, 352 00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:44,847 but I snuck into a Costco when I was a kid. 353 00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,932 - Yeah, we've heard that story. - Yeah. 354 00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,351 - It was the most magnificent experience of my life. 355 00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,354 There was giant trampolines hanging from the ceiling. 356 00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,981 Like, shampoo bottles that are, like... 357 00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,525 all: The size of my massive thighs. 358 00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:57,985 - I only got, like, 15 feet in, 359 00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,611 then I was tackled by security. 360 00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:01,697 - [laughs] But it was... 361 00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:04,450 It was, honestly, the best 40 seconds of my life. 362 00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,702 - Yeah. - We've heard this story. 363 00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,328 - Well, then why didn't you stop me? 364 00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,414 - I didn't stop you because I like the story, 365 00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,332 and it got me jacked up about some Kirkland jeans 366 00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,459 that I want, man. 367 00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:14,626 - That's part of the story! 368 00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,879 - The wide legs, the thick denim. 369 00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,630 - The elastic waistbands. - Mm-hmm. 370 00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:19,798 - 'Cause you're gonna want to have a few snacks 371 00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,300 while you're there. 372 00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:22,885 - And if you get 'em without the pockets 373 00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,553 on the back, no snaggin'. 374 00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,597 - That's... Those are women's jeans, though. 375 00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:27,931 - Well, they just sit better on my hips. 376 00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,600 - You do have a very womanly figure. 377 00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,643 - I have what I have. - You also have tits. 378 00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,980 - Nice skin. - You know, quite frankly... 379 00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,357 I'm willing to march into Alice's office right now 380 00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,567 and say... 381 00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:40,360 [deep voice] "I quit." - Right? 382 00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:43,363 - "I'm gonna go be a Costco security guard." 383 00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,657 [normal voice] I might just use my regular voice, though. 384 00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:48,285 I don't know. - Or... 385 00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:51,497 we steal the snacks from the break room. 386 00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,041 Ocean's Eleven and Thirteen this bitch. 387 00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,167 - Fuck Ocean's Twelve! 388 00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,710 - Yeah. - Total misfire. 389 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,004 - All right, last one, Waymond. Put your hand out. 390 00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,757 No one likes a gummy slut. Get out of here. 391 00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,842 - Hey, Jillian. 392 00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:07,638 Could I please get four low-sodium string cheeses? 393 00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,932 - Well, you've already hit your snack limit for the day. 394 00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,058 Now hit the road. 395 00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,893 - [chuckles] 396 00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,437 Jillian, I don't think you understand. 397 00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,523 I'm, like, the biggest dude in this office. 398 00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:20,442 - Okay, well, my best offer is seven grapes. 399 00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,611 - Hey, Jillian. - Hmm? 400 00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,988 - Fuck yo' grapes! 401 00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:26,448 - I'm just trying to make sure 402 00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,283 we've got all our ducks in a row here, 403 00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,286 uh, you know, because basically, the way I'm looking at it... 404 00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,663 Yeah. No, I know. 405 00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,791 But trust me, the deal is almost done. 406 00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:39,169 - Hey, Jillian, um, do you have the keys 407 00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,004 to the storage closet? 408 00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,214 - What for? 409 00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,675 - I just need to vacuum something. 410 00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,386 - Uh, what something? - [laughs] 411 00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,972 Um, well, it's just that, uh... 412 00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:53,058 [whispers] I wanted to shave my nipples. 413 00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:54,601 But they're, like, kind of hairy, 414 00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,354 so I don't want to get hair everywhere. 415 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,231 - [moaning] [knock on stall door] 416 00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:00,857 A little privacy, buddy! 417 00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:04,194 I'm obviously masturbating right now... it hurts. 418 00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,697 Feels like razor blades are coming out the tip. 419 00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,824 Just kidding. I'm pooping here! 420 00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:12,202 Oh! Whoo! What did I eat, rocks? 421 00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,204 Alice. 422 00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,749 Oh, I've got some... pretty gross news. 423 00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:22,504 I, on accident, dropped an atom bomb in the bathroom, 424 00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:25,465 and the toilet is destroyed, so that is on me. 425 00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,759 And I know a plumber who's gonna take care of it. 426 00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,678 And you look awesome today, by the way. 427 00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,656 [fire alarm blaring] 428 00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,867 - Okay, everyone outside. 429 00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,368 Go! 430 00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,870 - I like your hat. 431 00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:57,164 - Gil, got some RC Ten in the fridge for you. 432 00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,626 - False alarm. False alarm. 433 00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:03,045 Someone pulled the fire alarm. 434 00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:06,298 - Where are the boys? 435 00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,760 You're busted, busters! 436 00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:11,053 - What? - Oh, shit. 437 00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:14,014 - [laughs] Whoo! I got you. 438 00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,266 I got you so good. 439 00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:17,768 Yes! - All right, just... 440 00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,270 please don't tell Alice about this. 441 00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,189 - You got us. Good one, Jillian. 442 00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,858 - No, no, no. 443 00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,069 No, this is too easy. 444 00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,154 You guys are smarter than this. 445 00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,989 You wanted me to catch you here. 446 00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,784 - Um, what are you talking about? 447 00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,911 - Earlier today, I noticed you guys were acting 448 00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,205 a little strange. 449 00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,711 And when Adam confronted me in the break room... 450 00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,005 - Fuck yo' grapes! 451 00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,841 - I could tell you were getting desperate for snacks, 452 00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,844 which is probably when Ders put the plan into action. 453 00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,055 - The deal's almost done. 454 00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:58,433 Jillian's dumb ass is never gonna know what hit her. 455 00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,186 - And I got to tell you, lame attempt 456 00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,730 at distracting me, Blake. 457 00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,985 I've seen way hairier nipples. 458 00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,532 But you did get the vacuum. 459 00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:16,076 That was the first slipup. 460 00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,328 My second mistake was thinking that Adam 461 00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,872 could've clogged the toilet with an empty-stomach dump. 462 00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:22,999 - [imitating flatulence] 463 00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:25,377 Hey, I'm pooping here! 464 00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:28,130 Not. - Not, indeed. 465 00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:30,090 I'm guessing you shoved your undershirt 466 00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,551 down the pipe to clog it. 467 00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:35,679 But Alice bought the whole chicken and poodle, didn't she? 468 00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,932 - But I'm gonna hire a plumber, get it fixed. 469 00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:42,352 - Which brings us to your plumber friend, Karl. 470 00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:58,410 Then that Karl guy must have gone into the vents... 471 00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,541 cut holes behind every cabinet... 472 00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,216 sucked the snacks out using Blake's shop-vac... 473 00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:21,266 and then taped up the back of the bags 474 00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:23,643 so they looked untouched... 475 00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:29,316 which means that these... 476 00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,068 These chips in here... 477 00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,279 are all empty. 478 00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:37,407 So the only thing I'm left wondering is, 479 00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,118 how the hell do you plan on sneaking the snacks 480 00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,078 out of this building? 481 00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,414 - All right, guys, I'm all done, so I'm gonna head out. 482 00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,584 I'll see you at my party. - Later. 483 00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,965 - Hey, get over here! 484 00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,092 Man in gray, get back here! 485 00:18:56,219 --> 00:18:57,719 - Aah! 486 00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,554 Oh, my God! Oh. Oh! 487 00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,183 - Get over here! - Oh! Ow! 488 00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,519 You made my Discman skip! 489 00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,104 - So we should just steal these snacks, right? 490 00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,356 - Yeah. - Mm-hmm. Cool. 491 00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,482 - All right. - That worked out. 492 00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:11,983 - Here you go. 493 00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:13,902 - That was an incredible plan that she had. 494 00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:16,196 - Yeah, way more Ocean's Eleven and Thirteen than ours. 495 00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,989 - Yeah. - But quite frankly, guys, 496 00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,492 I think our idea of pulling the fire alarm, 497 00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:23,537 smashing the locks, and grabbing all the snacks... 498 00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,038 Not a bad plan. 499 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:28,500 - It was gonna work. - I love you, dudes. 500 00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,335 All right, we got snacks. 501 00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,254 - I want my snacks. I want my crap. 502 00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,840 Crap? 503 00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,007 Crap! 504 00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,009 Busted, busters! 505 00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,846 Come on. 506 00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:42,180 Shit. - Jillian... 507 00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:43,390 where are my Clif bars? 508 00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,350 - Shop-vac... Toilet... 509 00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:46,893 They cut holes behind every cabinet. 510 00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:50,814 - I asked you for one thing. one thing! 511 00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:54,192 God, I swear, you are, like, mentally ill or something. 512 00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,861 Give me my Costco card. 513 00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:58,697 - Okay. 514 00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:03,034 - You need to see a shrink, 'cause you suck dick at life. 515 00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,954 - You suck dick at life. 516 00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,372 [spits] 517 00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:08,874 [beatboxing] 518 00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,584 - ♪ You gotta ♪ - ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪ 519 00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:14,671 [beatboxing] - ♪ He's insane ♪ 520 00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,507 - Hey, get away. Are you a star? 521 00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:18,633 I didn't think so. 522 00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,051 - Who would you rather have? 523 00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,428 Who would you rather have? 524 00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,971 Okay, well, she just moved your hand. 525 00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,431 She just moved your hand. 526 00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,641 - Oh, oh, oh. Take it back. Check it out. 527 00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,226 - Ursula! Hey! - What the hell? God! 528 00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:29,769 - Whoa, whoa, man. - What the [bleep] are you doing 529 00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,272 with your nose in my wife's [bleep]? 530 00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:33,732 - Please! - No, no, no. 531 00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,317 No, no, no. That's bull[bleep]. 532 00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,443 - No, she loves me, man. 533 00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,986 She loves me! - Loves you? 534 00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:39,905 - Here we go, here we go. Here comes the boom. 535 00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:41,156 Check out a little bit of this, brother. 536 00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:42,407 [trills tongue] - You son of a [bleep]! 537 00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,326 - Oh! 538 00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,078 [all cheering, laughing] Right? 539 00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,789 My God, man. - That was awesome. 540 00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,249 - Yeah, but me and that dude are cool now. 541 00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:54,210 He's, like, one of my really good friends. 542 00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,713 He works at the Waterworld show at Universal Studios. 543 00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:57,964 He can get us in for free. 544 00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,925 - Nice! 545 00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:02,010 [dog snorts] [party horn blows] 546 00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,389 - I put the "cuc" in the "monga," 547 00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,641 so that's what I do. - Yeah. Yeah. 548 00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,559 I put the "monga" in the "cuc." 549 00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:11,102 - I'd like to put my "cuc" in your "monga," if that's... 550 00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,063 - I do things a little differently. 551 00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:14,689 - A thing you'd like to... - He's a missionary-style guy. 552 00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,775 I'm a doggy-style guy. I'm the kind of guy 553 00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:19,945 that would, like, put, like, a rope system in his bedroom. 41499

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