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English (HI) Subtitles.
Workaholics S04E03 (720p) Snackers - BrRip [KoTuWa]
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00:00:01,102 --> 00:00:02,588
- ♪ They found me
in the woods ♪
2
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:04,837
♪ 'Cause I was raised
by possums ♪
3
00:00:04,963 --> 00:00:07,507
♪ You wouldn't believe it,
but the life was awesome ♪
4
00:00:07,633 --> 00:00:09,842
♪ I was the most crucial
marsupial ♪
5
00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:12,261
[man cries out]
Can I help you?
6
00:00:12,388 --> 00:00:13,930
- Oh! Oh!
7
00:00:14,056 --> 00:00:15,848
Ders, I didn't know anybody else
was in here, man.
8
00:00:15,974 --> 00:00:17,225
You scared the crap
out of me.
9
00:00:17,351 --> 00:00:19,519
- The shower's running, Karl.
10
00:00:19,645 --> 00:00:21,729
- Did you catch it?
11
00:00:21,855 --> 00:00:23,523
Ha! You didn't get it.
It was a joke.
12
00:00:23,649 --> 00:00:26,025
[laughs]
- Get out now.
13
00:00:26,151 --> 00:00:27,276
- Oh, my God, come on, man.
14
00:00:27,403 --> 00:00:28,736
I flushed my hacky sack
down there.
15
00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:30,738
I got to get my hacky sack
back, Jack.
16
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,949
- [sighs] Fine.
And then get out of here.
17
00:00:33,075 --> 00:00:36,077
- Jesus. Thank God I come from
plumbing stock.
18
00:00:36,203 --> 00:00:37,954
Mammy and Grambo were
two of the best.
19
00:00:38,080 --> 00:00:39,455
- Oh, my... dude!
20
00:00:39,581 --> 00:00:41,332
There's a bunch of dookie
in there.
21
00:00:41,458 --> 00:00:43,167
You said it was a hacky sack.
- Well, yeah.
22
00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,712
I had to take a crap,
and the sink was too high, man.
23
00:00:45,838 --> 00:00:47,338
Come on,
what do you expect?
24
00:00:47,464 --> 00:00:50,299
- I hate you. Get out.
Give me the monkey-wrench thing.
25
00:00:50,426 --> 00:00:52,385
- Fine. Give it a shot.
- Oh, my God!
26
00:00:52,511 --> 00:00:54,011
- Well, as long as we
get this thing unclogged
27
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,471
before my party,
I'll be fine.
28
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,390
- Wait. What party?
Ow! Oh.
29
00:00:57,516 --> 00:00:59,475
I just loosened something.
- Yeah, you did.
30
00:00:59,601 --> 00:01:03,104
- Oh!
31
00:01:03,230 --> 00:01:05,314
- Oh, my hacky sack.
Nice, dude. Thank you.
32
00:01:05,441 --> 00:01:08,317
[beatboxing]
33
00:01:08,444 --> 00:01:09,444
♪ ♪
34
00:01:09,570 --> 00:01:11,988
- ♪ I'm fresh ♪
35
00:01:12,114 --> 00:01:14,073
- ♪ You gotta, you gotta,
you gotta, gotta ♪
36
00:01:14,199 --> 00:01:16,284
- ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
37
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:18,911
- Yeah, it smells
like farts though.
38
00:01:19,037 --> 00:01:20,079
- It does smell like farts.
39
00:01:20,205 --> 00:01:25,042
- We are not
throwing a party for Karl!
40
00:01:25,169 --> 00:01:26,669
- What are you talking about?
Karl's episode
41
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:28,546
of Cheaters is re-airing.
You know the one,
42
00:01:28,672 --> 00:01:31,174
where he gets caught munching
that married chick's carp.
43
00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:32,633
[laughter]
44
00:01:32,760 --> 00:01:34,218
- You loved that party
last year.
45
00:01:34,344 --> 00:01:36,888
Remember all those
star-fugger chicks were, like,
46
00:01:37,014 --> 00:01:40,516
"Oh! Oh!"
Like, ready.
47
00:01:40,642 --> 00:01:41,851
- They didn't actually
make that noise,
48
00:01:41,977 --> 00:01:43,186
but they were
throwing out the vibe.
49
00:01:43,312 --> 00:01:44,520
- Yeah, they were throwing
that vibe.
50
00:01:44,646 --> 00:01:46,314
It was more of a vibe
than a noise.
51
00:01:46,440 --> 00:01:48,024
- Okay, yes, we are definitely
gonna have this party then.
52
00:01:48,150 --> 00:01:50,067
- I'm hoping this year
to have some, like, intercourse,
53
00:01:50,194 --> 00:01:52,320
'cause last year I just had,
like, a ton of outercourse.
54
00:01:52,446 --> 00:01:54,322
So I'm hoping
to get inside this time.
55
00:01:54,448 --> 00:01:55,782
- I believe in you.
56
00:01:55,908 --> 00:01:57,158
- Thank you.
- All right, hold up, hold up.
57
00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:58,993
You guys want to fuck
my fan club,
58
00:01:59,119 --> 00:02:00,286
that's totally cool with me.
59
00:02:00,412 --> 00:02:01,996
That's legitimate.
But...
60
00:02:02,122 --> 00:02:03,664
you better not
run out of snacks
61
00:02:03,791 --> 00:02:05,166
like you did last time,
okay?
62
00:02:05,292 --> 00:02:06,751
I'm not showing up
unless you guys get me
63
00:02:06,877 --> 00:02:11,464
a giant popcorn tin
with three flavors of popcorn...
64
00:02:11,590 --> 00:02:13,925
Caramel, cheddar,
65
00:02:14,051 --> 00:02:16,677
and whatever else
comes in it.
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00:02:16,804 --> 00:02:19,680
- Popcorn diva.
- He's changed.
67
00:02:19,807 --> 00:02:21,557
- Yeah, TV changed a man.
68
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:23,851
- But you know
what that means.
69
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:25,478
We got to go snack shopping.
70
00:02:25,604 --> 00:02:27,355
- Yeah.
- And, Ders...
71
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:30,566
wearing a towel
like a woman...
72
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,610
that's funny, dude!
- [laughs]
73
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,529
- Pretty good, right?
- Yes.
74
00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:35,947
- I was getting out of the
shower, I looked in the mirror,
75
00:02:36,073 --> 00:02:38,115
I was like, "just do it."
76
00:02:41,161 --> 00:02:42,537
- What the hell?
77
00:02:42,663 --> 00:02:44,288
- Who stole all the snacks?
- You know what?
78
00:02:44,414 --> 00:02:49,001
I bet it was us...
the other day.
79
00:02:49,127 --> 00:02:52,088
- Freak!
Oh, cool, a Clif bar.
80
00:02:52,214 --> 00:02:53,506
I'd rather jump off one
81
00:02:53,632 --> 00:02:55,049
than eat one of those
disgusting things!
82
00:02:55,175 --> 00:02:57,009
- Right?
They suck. They're dry.
83
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,554
- Let's go talk to Alice
about how pissed we are!
84
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:01,681
- Got a bone to pick.
85
00:03:01,807 --> 00:03:03,140
- I'm actually gonna eat this.
86
00:03:03,267 --> 00:03:05,268
These aren't as bad
as I said earlier.
87
00:03:05,394 --> 00:03:07,687
[telephone rings]
88
00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:10,773
- Oh, God!
Do you not knock?
89
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:12,358
- The break room
has been robbed.
90
00:03:12,484 --> 00:03:14,110
There are thieves
in our midst.
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00:03:14,236 --> 00:03:17,780
- Yes. And we, the dudes,
have the right to bear snacks.
92
00:03:17,906 --> 00:03:20,783
- That's right, so gummy bears,
Teddy Grahams,
93
00:03:20,909 --> 00:03:22,910
honey, salmon...
these are...
94
00:03:23,036 --> 00:03:24,704
- And they have those really
good ones with the white bag,
95
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:26,080
with the frosting
and the sprinkles.
96
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,874
- Okay, listen up, everyone.
97
00:03:28,000 --> 00:03:30,626
[clears throat]
Okay, I am sick and tired
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00:03:30,752 --> 00:03:32,295
of hearing about
the goddamn break room.
99
00:03:32,421 --> 00:03:34,422
- Yep.
- "Oh, where's my Jell-O?"
100
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:36,257
"Waymond's putting his fingers
in my peanut butter."
101
00:03:36,383 --> 00:03:38,509
Choose someone to be
in charge of the snacks,
102
00:03:38,635 --> 00:03:41,345
and I will give them
my Costco card, the end.
103
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:44,307
- Never fear,
Monteezy is here.
104
00:03:44,433 --> 00:03:46,142
Colleen got me
on this new-age diet,
105
00:03:46,268 --> 00:03:49,186
and I'm looking two words:
Dee-licious.
106
00:03:49,313 --> 00:03:50,563
- You look horrible.
- Yeah. Still...
107
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:51,731
- Yeah, you look really bad.
- Listen.
108
00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:52,940
I say we take the break room
109
00:03:53,066 --> 00:03:55,234
and we "healthify"
this bitch.
110
00:03:55,360 --> 00:03:57,153
You know, I used to be like,
"Aw, hell, kale?"
111
00:03:57,279 --> 00:03:59,614
now I'm like,
"All hail kale!"
112
00:03:59,740 --> 00:04:02,241
- I said the same thing.
- And these juice cleanses...
113
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,535
got my skin glowing
like Paula Abdul.
114
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:05,786
- I fucks with that.
115
00:04:05,913 --> 00:04:07,330
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop the clock.
116
00:04:07,456 --> 00:04:09,290
Okay, check yourself
before you elect yourself.
117
00:04:09,416 --> 00:04:12,209
We're gonna have a proper
election happening here.
118
00:04:12,336 --> 00:04:13,920
- Okay, who else
is gonna run?
119
00:04:14,046 --> 00:04:16,964
- We will, like, together
as, like...
120
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,300
Like, we'll be combined,
like Voltron,
121
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,801
except for
we're not gonna run.
122
00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:24,221
We're gonna sprint,
like Usain Bolt-ron.
123
00:04:24,348 --> 00:04:25,890
- What?
[laughter]
124
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:29,018
- How did I think of that?
That was so good.
125
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:31,187
That was so good.
That was smart of me.
126
00:04:31,313 --> 00:04:32,730
I was like Jay Z.
I was like Andre 3000.
127
00:04:32,856 --> 00:04:34,982
- If you could just
excuse us for one second.
128
00:04:35,108 --> 00:04:37,276
- That was amazing.
- Thank you.
129
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,570
- But we can't elect ourselves
because they're gonna know
130
00:04:39,696 --> 00:04:41,280
we're stealing the snacks,
you dig?
131
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:43,783
- But, dude, did you hear?
The Costco card, man...
132
00:04:43,909 --> 00:04:46,494
That's, like, bulk snacks,
samplers, bulk booze.
133
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,662
- Kirkland!
134
00:04:47,788 --> 00:04:49,080
- Kirkland.
- Kirkland.
135
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:50,665
- You know about that.
It's so good.
136
00:04:50,791 --> 00:04:51,999
- Best vodka.
- Yeah, I rep Kirkland.
137
00:04:52,125 --> 00:04:53,125
- Here's what we're gonna do.
138
00:04:53,251 --> 00:04:54,502
We're gonna elect Jillian.
139
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:56,295
That way, we'll tell her
what to buy.
140
00:04:56,421 --> 00:04:57,880
We'll steal from her.
It wont come back to us.
141
00:04:58,006 --> 00:04:59,715
We'll be geniuses.
- Yeah, she'll be...
142
00:04:59,841 --> 00:05:01,592
She'll be like Elmo,
and we'll be that
143
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:04,345
allegedly black pervert dude
with our hand up her butt.
144
00:05:04,471 --> 00:05:07,598
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna unhuddle now.
145
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,892
Guys, so for the election
that I was talking about,
146
00:05:10,018 --> 00:05:11,936
we elect Jillian.
147
00:05:12,062 --> 00:05:14,438
- Whoo!
Wait. What?
148
00:05:14,564 --> 00:05:16,023
No. No, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
149
00:05:16,149 --> 00:05:17,942
Whenever I'm given
responsibility,
150
00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:21,487
I turn into a crazy person,
and I am not crazy.
151
00:05:21,613 --> 00:05:22,863
- You are, though, right?
152
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:25,992
- Hey, we are your
campaign team, okay?
153
00:05:26,118 --> 00:05:28,494
Uh, Blake will be your
image consultant, all right?
154
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:32,415
And, uh, Adam...
political advisor.
155
00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,208
- Hi-de-ho, good neighbor.
156
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,669
- And I'll be campaign manager,
of course, okay?
157
00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,963
- Why do you get to be
campaign manager, huh?
158
00:05:39,089 --> 00:05:41,507
That doesn't sound like
teamwork, Ders.
159
00:05:41,633 --> 00:05:44,301
- I'm taking
a leadership role, okay?
160
00:05:44,428 --> 00:05:45,678
You can't spell it
without "Ders."
161
00:05:45,804 --> 00:05:47,054
- You can't spell "it"
without "Ders."
162
00:05:47,180 --> 00:05:48,931
I-t.
I just did.
163
00:05:49,057 --> 00:05:50,433
I guess I'm
a freakin' genius.
164
00:05:50,559 --> 00:05:52,977
- Anders, do you now know
how to spell "it"?
165
00:05:53,103 --> 00:05:55,312
- Yeah, are you an
it-iot?
166
00:05:55,439 --> 00:05:57,606
[laughter]
- It-iot. I-t-o-t.
167
00:05:57,733 --> 00:06:01,694
- Leadership!
168
00:06:01,820 --> 00:06:05,614
- Okay, whatever, man. Fine.
I'll be the political advisor.
169
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,658
I'll 'vise the shib
out of your ads.
170
00:06:07,784 --> 00:06:09,160
That's something
I'm willing to do.
171
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:11,704
But in return,
we need to do something for me
172
00:06:11,830 --> 00:06:13,330
using my strength
and my muscles.
173
00:06:13,457 --> 00:06:16,542
I shall be head
security detail.
174
00:06:16,668 --> 00:06:19,211
- I would love that.
I'd feel a lot safer with that.
175
00:06:19,337 --> 00:06:22,465
- Cool, 'cause I know a lot more
about protecting people!
176
00:06:22,591 --> 00:06:24,592
- Whoa!
- Whoa, Waymond.
177
00:06:24,718 --> 00:06:27,094
Running security.
So, if you have any issues...
178
00:06:27,220 --> 00:06:28,929
You're looking good.
Dust it off.
179
00:06:29,056 --> 00:06:30,181
- He's shook.
180
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:31,348
- Well, don't be a bitch
about it, you know?
181
00:06:31,475 --> 00:06:33,392
[beatboxing]
- ♪ The boys are fresh ♪
182
00:06:34,895 --> 00:06:36,645
[beatboxing]
183
00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:38,439
- Okay, politics are all
about image, right?
184
00:06:38,565 --> 00:06:39,899
That's why we got you
looking like
185
00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,734
the porn star
from Nailin' Paylin.
186
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,527
- You look great.
- Here, final touch...
187
00:06:43,653 --> 00:06:46,405
Put these chicken cutlets
in your boob cups.
188
00:06:46,531 --> 00:06:48,783
- Go ahead.
- You think this is a good idea?
189
00:06:48,909 --> 00:06:50,367
- Oh, yeah, you kidding me?
190
00:06:50,494 --> 00:06:52,203
Big titties...
They command respect.
191
00:06:52,329 --> 00:06:54,705
Yeah, you got to have at least
those Kat Dennings upstairs
192
00:06:54,831 --> 00:06:56,248
to get anywhere
in this world.
193
00:06:56,374 --> 00:06:58,501
- Okay?
- Yes.
194
00:06:58,627 --> 00:06:59,794
- Wait, what's his name?
195
00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:03,005
- Um, what's, uh,
your name again?
196
00:07:03,131 --> 00:07:06,092
- Gil.
- Gil.
197
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:07,843
Okay, his name is Gil.
- Okay.
198
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:09,553
- He works here.
- Here?
199
00:07:09,679 --> 00:07:11,555
- Yeah.
Talk about that.
200
00:07:11,681 --> 00:07:14,266
- Hey, Gil.
My name is Gillian Belk,
201
00:07:14,392 --> 00:07:17,186
and I work here too.
No, I'm sorry... Jillian.
202
00:07:17,312 --> 00:07:21,357
I'm Jillian Bleck.
Nope. Bleck. Blelk.
203
00:07:21,483 --> 00:07:24,276
Blocks.
My name's Bling...
204
00:07:24,402 --> 00:07:25,986
- Don't...
Just start from the top.
205
00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:28,864
- Uh... my name's... Bleh.
- Just start over.
206
00:07:28,990 --> 00:07:30,741
- I can't.
I'm gonna throw up.
207
00:07:32,369 --> 00:07:34,370
Hi, Bill.
My name is Jillian Belk.
208
00:07:34,496 --> 00:07:35,663
And I'll shop for you.
209
00:07:35,789 --> 00:07:37,790
That's my slogan.
I thought of it.
210
00:07:37,916 --> 00:07:40,209
- Just make sure you buy
lots of Fruity Pebbles, okay?
211
00:07:40,335 --> 00:07:41,877
They're bomb-dot-com.
212
00:07:42,003 --> 00:07:44,004
- Yeah, I'm gonna need
to take these for testing.
213
00:07:44,131 --> 00:07:45,381
Make sure there's
no ricin.
214
00:07:45,507 --> 00:07:48,300
Mmm. No, don't taste
any rice in it,
215
00:07:48,426 --> 00:07:51,262
but I'm gonna keep these for
testing... it's a security thing.
216
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:53,305
- Let me get some of those, man.
They're so good.
217
00:07:53,431 --> 00:07:56,016
- That's my lunch,
you troll!
218
00:07:56,143 --> 00:07:57,768
- What did you say?
219
00:07:57,894 --> 00:07:59,562
- Come on. Come on.
220
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:01,689
Ugh!
221
00:08:03,650 --> 00:08:05,901
- You should, like, come hang
out with us sometime, man.
222
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:07,486
- Yeah, that'd be cool.
223
00:08:07,612 --> 00:08:08,779
- Ladies and gentlemen,
224
00:08:08,905 --> 00:08:10,114
if I could please have
your attention.
225
00:08:10,240 --> 00:08:12,616
[whistles]
Up here.
226
00:08:12,742 --> 00:08:16,245
- Hey, I'm Montez's real doctor.
I swear to God.
227
00:08:16,371 --> 00:08:18,998
I've seen his penis, and I've
stuck this finger up his heinie.
228
00:08:19,124 --> 00:08:21,167
One question...
Why would Montez Walker
229
00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:23,878
need to eat healthy
when a Google search showed
230
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,463
Montez Walker having
zero healthy problems?
231
00:08:26,590 --> 00:08:28,966
Sounds to me like
he's a healthy liar.
232
00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:30,759
Jillian Belk
is a real cool chica,
233
00:08:30,886 --> 00:08:32,428
and I vibe with her.
234
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,555
Oh, I'm a doctor,
and I-I'm a real doctor,
235
00:08:34,681 --> 00:08:36,182
and I approve of that.
236
00:08:36,308 --> 00:08:38,309
- And I approve of that.
237
00:08:38,435 --> 00:08:40,603
I'm Jillian Belk,
and I'll shop for you.
238
00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:42,980
That's my slogan.
- She made it up herself.
239
00:08:43,106 --> 00:08:44,899
- Let's show some respect.
Waymond!
240
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,693
- She looks good.
- Clap. There we go.
241
00:08:47,819 --> 00:08:50,529
- Hi, I'm Bill,
and I'll be your moderator
242
00:08:50,655 --> 00:08:52,615
for this afternoon's debate.
243
00:08:52,741 --> 00:08:55,201
First question
is for Mr. Walker.
244
00:08:55,327 --> 00:08:57,453
Mr. Walker,
what would be your first act
245
00:08:57,579 --> 00:08:59,205
as break room manager?
246
00:08:59,331 --> 00:09:00,539
- Thank you, Bill.
247
00:09:00,665 --> 00:09:02,166
- [imitating flatulence]
248
00:09:02,292 --> 00:09:04,293
- Uh, I'm gonna give the people
what they need...
249
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:06,378
Healthy, organic snacks.
250
00:09:06,504 --> 00:09:09,757
- Interesting, because
what we need is someone
251
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:11,967
who will shop
for what we want.
252
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,303
[light applause]
- Amen.
253
00:09:14,429 --> 00:09:16,388
- Don't you know people
need to be told what they want,
254
00:09:16,514 --> 00:09:18,098
'cause it's actually
what they need?
255
00:09:18,225 --> 00:09:19,516
- Where'd you learn that...
256
00:09:19,643 --> 00:09:21,518
From your wife
that has you on that diet?
257
00:09:21,645 --> 00:09:23,395
- Damn!
258
00:09:23,521 --> 00:09:25,773
- I don't want to be
on his wife's diet. Do you?
259
00:09:25,899 --> 00:09:27,191
- No.
- I don't.
260
00:09:27,317 --> 00:09:28,734
- Don't you think
I want my Bugles
261
00:09:28,860 --> 00:09:30,778
and my Famous Amoses
and all that stuff there?
262
00:09:30,904 --> 00:09:32,363
- I'll shop for you.
263
00:09:32,489 --> 00:09:34,073
- You better back up, woman,
or this health kick
264
00:09:34,199 --> 00:09:36,075
gonna turn into a karate kick.
I got a beige belt!
265
00:09:36,201 --> 00:09:38,035
It's a beige belt!
- I hate you.
266
00:09:38,161 --> 00:09:39,161
- Fuck him up.
267
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:40,955
- I'll shop for you.
268
00:09:41,081 --> 00:09:42,539
- You're really...
You're trippin' right now.
269
00:09:42,666 --> 00:09:44,333
I mean, nah.
I mean, I like being healthy.
270
00:09:44,459 --> 00:09:45,709
I feel good.
271
00:09:45,835 --> 00:09:47,127
Don't y'all want
to feel good too?
272
00:09:47,254 --> 00:09:49,588
- No.
- I will shop for you.
273
00:09:49,714 --> 00:09:52,675
- You know? I mean, it's called
"junk food" for a reason.
274
00:09:52,801 --> 00:09:55,302
You know, that's why she get
all loud and physical.
275
00:09:55,428 --> 00:09:57,263
- I'll shop for you.
- I love Colleen...
276
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,056
but I can't...
I can't do this no more.
277
00:09:59,182 --> 00:10:00,599
I don't want to eat like this!
278
00:10:00,725 --> 00:10:02,226
- You don't have to.
I'll shop for you.
279
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:04,144
- No more kale.
- I will shop for you.
280
00:10:04,271 --> 00:10:06,981
- I'm tired of this shrubbery.
I'm not a rabbit, Jillian!
281
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:08,649
- I will shop for you!
- No more quinoa.
282
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,526
Fuck quinoa, Jillian!
283
00:10:10,652 --> 00:10:12,152
I want some Bugles!
284
00:10:12,279 --> 00:10:13,529
I want some Corn Nuts!
- I know you do.
285
00:10:13,655 --> 00:10:15,572
- I need some Corn Nuts,
Jillian.
286
00:10:15,699 --> 00:10:17,992
- I will get you Bugles,
287
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:20,911
and I will get you
Corn Nuts...
288
00:10:21,037 --> 00:10:23,622
- [sobbing]
- Because I will shop for you.
289
00:10:23,748 --> 00:10:25,833
I will shop for all of you!
290
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:27,459
- Yeah.
- I will shop for you.
291
00:10:27,585 --> 00:10:29,837
- Yeah.
- I will shop for all of you.
292
00:10:29,963 --> 00:10:31,880
- She will shop for you!
293
00:10:32,007 --> 00:10:34,508
- We're voting for Jillian.
- Yes! I won.
294
00:10:34,634 --> 00:10:36,593
- We told Jillian to get
that giant popcorn tin
295
00:10:36,720 --> 00:10:37,928
from Costco, right?
296
00:10:38,054 --> 00:10:39,513
Karl said he wanted it
for Saturday.
297
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:41,432
- We did, but now that
I'm thinking about it,
298
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:43,517
I think I forgot to tell her
to get Kirkland jeans.
299
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,644
- I told her.
- Nice.
300
00:10:45,770 --> 00:10:48,230
- I told her to get Kirkland
polos and leather sandals.
301
00:10:48,356 --> 00:10:50,983
- Dude, three dudes
in matching Kirkland 'fits?
302
00:10:51,109 --> 00:10:52,776
More like "Twirkland," right?
- Yeah.
303
00:10:52,902 --> 00:10:54,194
- Girls are gonna be slobbin'
on our knobs
304
00:10:54,321 --> 00:10:55,821
like corn on our penises!
305
00:10:55,947 --> 00:10:57,740
What the hell?
306
00:10:57,866 --> 00:10:59,158
[cats meowing]
307
00:10:59,284 --> 00:11:02,661
What?
308
00:11:02,787 --> 00:11:05,914
- What's the matter, boys?
Pussies got your snacks?
309
00:11:06,041 --> 00:11:07,624
- Snatch? What?
- What?
310
00:11:07,751 --> 00:11:10,461
- As break room manager,
I put all snacks
311
00:11:10,587 --> 00:11:12,671
under strict lock and key.
312
00:11:12,797 --> 00:11:14,381
You want a can of soda pop?
313
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:16,091
You got to go through me.
314
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,344
You want T.P. to wipe
your little butt-butts?
315
00:11:18,470 --> 00:11:21,513
Let's chat.
Seriously, let's chat, Blake.
316
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:24,558
- Hey, what is this?
Some kind of sick joke?
317
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,518
- Oh, my gosh,
are those Kirkland jeans?
318
00:11:26,644 --> 00:11:28,437
- Oh, these?
Yeah, they are Kirkland.
319
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:31,440
And I'm looking like a boss,
though, in head-to-toe Costco.
320
00:11:31,566 --> 00:11:33,233
- They look good.
- You know, boys,
321
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,652
when I went on my listening
tour, the number-one complaint
322
00:11:35,779 --> 00:11:37,863
was that people
were stealing supplies.
323
00:11:37,989 --> 00:11:40,908
So I installed this
high-tech security system.
324
00:11:41,034 --> 00:11:42,242
You see that?
325
00:11:42,369 --> 00:11:44,536
- I'm pissed now!
326
00:11:44,662 --> 00:11:47,790
You t-take the snacks
out of this contraptions
327
00:11:47,916 --> 00:11:50,084
that you've locked 'em up in
immediately!
328
00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:52,461
And that is an order,
starting now. Go!
329
00:11:52,587 --> 00:11:54,588
- I don't just shop for you,
all right?
330
00:11:54,714 --> 00:11:56,757
I shop for everyone!
- Give me those jeans!
331
00:11:56,883 --> 00:11:57,966
- No. Get off.
- Get the jeans.
332
00:11:58,093 --> 00:11:59,134
Take her jeans.
- Blake, stop it!
333
00:11:59,260 --> 00:12:01,428
- Stop!
- Ow, your keys hit me.
334
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:02,554
- The jig is up!
335
00:12:02,680 --> 00:12:04,139
And if you guys
get hungry,
336
00:12:04,265 --> 00:12:05,641
you can snack on these.
337
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:06,850
all: Oh...
- Satisfy your appetite.
338
00:12:06,976 --> 00:12:08,143
- Are those your titties?
339
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:09,978
Did she just
pull her titties out?
340
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,775
- ♪ Kick it ♪
[beatboxing]
341
00:12:14,901 --> 00:12:18,153
- No snacks, no party,
no star-fuggers.
342
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:20,322
That means no place
to put our boners,
343
00:12:20,448 --> 00:12:22,574
except in our hands...
again.
344
00:12:22,700 --> 00:12:24,743
- It's not as fun... I've got
calluses from working out.
345
00:12:24,869 --> 00:12:27,621
- I don't know, maybe we should
just get our snacks at 7-Eleven.
346
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:29,706
That's what we always do.
- What?
347
00:12:29,833 --> 00:12:32,626
- 7-Eleven doesn't have party
tins full of popcorn, okay?
348
00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,420
That's what Karl asked for.
349
00:12:34,546 --> 00:12:36,505
All I'm saying is we
are supposed to be living
350
00:12:36,631 --> 00:12:38,757
that crazy Costco life.
- I know.
351
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,926
- I don't know if I've ever
told you guys this story,
352
00:12:41,052 --> 00:12:44,847
but I snuck into a Costco
when I was a kid.
353
00:12:44,973 --> 00:12:46,932
- Yeah, we've heard that story.
- Yeah.
354
00:12:47,058 --> 00:12:49,351
- It was the most magnificent
experience of my life.
355
00:12:49,477 --> 00:12:52,354
There was giant trampolines
hanging from the ceiling.
356
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:53,981
Like, shampoo bottles
that are, like...
357
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:56,525
all: The size
of my massive thighs.
358
00:12:56,651 --> 00:12:57,985
- I only got, like,
15 feet in,
359
00:12:58,111 --> 00:12:59,611
then I was tackled
by security.
360
00:12:59,737 --> 00:13:01,697
- [laughs]
But it was...
361
00:13:01,823 --> 00:13:04,450
It was, honestly, the best
40 seconds of my life.
362
00:13:04,576 --> 00:13:06,702
- Yeah.
- We've heard this story.
363
00:13:06,828 --> 00:13:08,328
- Well, then
why didn't you stop me?
364
00:13:08,455 --> 00:13:10,414
- I didn't stop you
because I like the story,
365
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,332
and it got me jacked up
about some Kirkland jeans
366
00:13:12,459 --> 00:13:13,459
that I want, man.
367
00:13:13,585 --> 00:13:14,626
- That's part of the story!
368
00:13:14,752 --> 00:13:16,879
- The wide legs,
the thick denim.
369
00:13:17,005 --> 00:13:18,630
- The elastic waistbands.
- Mm-hmm.
370
00:13:18,756 --> 00:13:19,798
- 'Cause you're gonna want
to have a few snacks
371
00:13:19,924 --> 00:13:21,300
while you're there.
372
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:22,885
- And if you get 'em
without the pockets
373
00:13:23,011 --> 00:13:24,553
on the back, no snaggin'.
374
00:13:24,679 --> 00:13:26,597
- That's... Those are
women's jeans, though.
375
00:13:26,723 --> 00:13:27,931
- Well, they just sit better
on my hips.
376
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:29,600
- You do have
a very womanly figure.
377
00:13:29,726 --> 00:13:31,643
- I have what I have.
- You also have tits.
378
00:13:31,769 --> 00:13:34,980
- Nice skin.
- You know, quite frankly...
379
00:13:35,106 --> 00:13:37,357
I'm willing to march
into Alice's office right now
380
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:38,567
and say...
381
00:13:38,693 --> 00:13:40,360
[deep voice] "I quit."
- Right?
382
00:13:40,487 --> 00:13:43,363
- "I'm gonna go be
a Costco security guard."
383
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:45,657
[normal voice] I might just use
my regular voice, though.
384
00:13:45,783 --> 00:13:48,285
I don't know.
- Or...
385
00:13:48,411 --> 00:13:51,497
we steal the snacks
from the break room.
386
00:13:51,623 --> 00:13:54,041
Ocean's Eleven and Thirteen
this bitch.
387
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:55,167
- Fuck Ocean's Twelve!
388
00:13:55,293 --> 00:13:56,710
- Yeah.
- Total misfire.
389
00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:59,004
- All right, last one, Waymond.
Put your hand out.
390
00:13:59,130 --> 00:14:01,757
No one likes a gummy slut.
Get out of here.
391
00:14:01,883 --> 00:14:03,842
- Hey, Jillian.
392
00:14:03,968 --> 00:14:07,638
Could I please get four
low-sodium string cheeses?
393
00:14:07,764 --> 00:14:09,932
- Well, you've already hit
your snack limit for the day.
394
00:14:10,058 --> 00:14:11,058
Now hit the road.
395
00:14:11,184 --> 00:14:12,893
- [chuckles]
396
00:14:13,019 --> 00:14:15,437
Jillian, I don't think
you understand.
397
00:14:15,563 --> 00:14:17,523
I'm, like, the biggest dude
in this office.
398
00:14:17,649 --> 00:14:20,442
- Okay, well, my best offer
is seven grapes.
399
00:14:20,568 --> 00:14:22,611
- Hey, Jillian.
- Hmm?
400
00:14:22,737 --> 00:14:24,988
- Fuck yo' grapes!
401
00:14:25,114 --> 00:14:26,448
- I'm just trying to make sure
402
00:14:26,574 --> 00:14:28,283
we've got
all our ducks in a row here,
403
00:14:28,409 --> 00:14:31,286
uh, you know, because basically,
the way I'm looking at it...
404
00:14:31,412 --> 00:14:32,663
Yeah.
No, I know.
405
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:35,791
But trust me,
the deal is almost done.
406
00:14:35,917 --> 00:14:39,169
- Hey, Jillian, um,
do you have the keys
407
00:14:39,295 --> 00:14:41,004
to the storage closet?
408
00:14:41,130 --> 00:14:42,214
- What for?
409
00:14:42,340 --> 00:14:44,675
- I just need to vacuum
something.
410
00:14:44,801 --> 00:14:47,386
- Uh, what something?
- [laughs]
411
00:14:47,512 --> 00:14:49,972
Um, well,
it's just that, uh...
412
00:14:50,098 --> 00:14:53,058
[whispers]
I wanted to shave my nipples.
413
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:54,601
But they're, like,
kind of hairy,
414
00:14:54,727 --> 00:14:57,354
so I don't want
to get hair everywhere.
415
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:59,231
- [moaning]
[knock on stall door]
416
00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:00,857
A little privacy, buddy!
417
00:15:00,984 --> 00:15:04,194
I'm obviously masturbating
right now... it hurts.
418
00:15:04,320 --> 00:15:06,697
Feels like razor blades
are coming out the tip.
419
00:15:06,823 --> 00:15:08,824
Just kidding.
I'm pooping here!
420
00:15:08,950 --> 00:15:12,202
Oh! Whoo!
What did I eat, rocks?
421
00:15:12,328 --> 00:15:14,204
Alice.
422
00:15:14,330 --> 00:15:17,749
Oh, I've got some...
pretty gross news.
423
00:15:17,875 --> 00:15:22,504
I, on accident, dropped
an atom bomb in the bathroom,
424
00:15:22,630 --> 00:15:25,465
and the toilet is destroyed,
so that is on me.
425
00:15:25,592 --> 00:15:27,759
And I know a plumber
who's gonna take care of it.
426
00:15:27,885 --> 00:15:29,678
And you look awesome today,
by the way.
427
00:15:48,239 --> 00:15:49,656
[fire alarm blaring]
428
00:15:49,782 --> 00:15:51,867
- Okay, everyone outside.
429
00:15:51,993 --> 00:15:53,368
Go!
430
00:15:53,494 --> 00:15:54,870
- I like your hat.
431
00:15:54,996 --> 00:15:57,164
- Gil, got some RC Ten
in the fridge for you.
432
00:15:57,290 --> 00:16:00,626
- False alarm.
False alarm.
433
00:16:00,752 --> 00:16:03,045
Someone pulled
the fire alarm.
434
00:16:03,171 --> 00:16:06,298
- Where are the boys?
435
00:16:07,925 --> 00:16:09,760
You're busted, busters!
436
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:11,053
- What?
- Oh, shit.
437
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:14,014
- [laughs]
Whoo! I got you.
438
00:16:14,140 --> 00:16:16,266
I got you so good.
439
00:16:16,392 --> 00:16:17,768
Yes!
- All right, just...
440
00:16:17,894 --> 00:16:20,270
please don't tell Alice
about this.
441
00:16:20,396 --> 00:16:22,189
- You got us.
Good one, Jillian.
442
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,858
- No, no, no.
443
00:16:24,984 --> 00:16:27,069
No, this is too easy.
444
00:16:27,195 --> 00:16:29,154
You guys are smarter
than this.
445
00:16:29,280 --> 00:16:30,989
You wanted me
to catch you here.
446
00:16:31,115 --> 00:16:33,784
- Um, what are you
talking about?
447
00:16:33,910 --> 00:16:35,911
- Earlier today, I noticed
you guys were acting
448
00:16:36,037 --> 00:16:38,205
a little strange.
449
00:16:42,251 --> 00:16:44,711
And when Adam confronted me
in the break room...
450
00:16:44,837 --> 00:16:47,005
- Fuck yo' grapes!
451
00:16:47,131 --> 00:16:49,841
- I could tell you were
getting desperate for snacks,
452
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:52,844
which is probably when Ders
put the plan into action.
453
00:16:52,970 --> 00:16:55,055
- The deal's almost done.
454
00:16:55,181 --> 00:16:58,433
Jillian's dumb ass is never
gonna know what hit her.
455
00:16:58,559 --> 00:17:01,186
- And I got to tell you,
lame attempt
456
00:17:01,312 --> 00:17:03,730
at distracting me, Blake.
457
00:17:06,859 --> 00:17:08,985
I've seen way hairier nipples.
458
00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,532
But you did get the vacuum.
459
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:16,076
That was the first slipup.
460
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:18,328
My second mistake
was thinking that Adam
461
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:20,872
could've clogged the toilet
with an empty-stomach dump.
462
00:17:20,998 --> 00:17:22,999
- [imitating flatulence]
463
00:17:23,126 --> 00:17:25,377
Hey, I'm pooping here!
464
00:17:25,503 --> 00:17:28,130
Not.
- Not, indeed.
465
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:30,090
I'm guessing you shoved
your undershirt
466
00:17:30,216 --> 00:17:32,551
down the pipe to clog it.
467
00:17:32,677 --> 00:17:35,679
But Alice bought the whole
chicken and poodle, didn't she?
468
00:17:35,805 --> 00:17:38,932
- But I'm gonna hire a plumber,
get it fixed.
469
00:17:39,058 --> 00:17:42,352
- Which brings us to
your plumber friend, Karl.
470
00:17:55,283 --> 00:17:58,410
Then that Karl guy
must have gone into the vents...
471
00:18:02,039 --> 00:18:04,541
cut holes behind
every cabinet...
472
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:13,216
sucked the snacks out
using Blake's shop-vac...
473
00:18:19,474 --> 00:18:21,266
and then taped up
the back of the bags
474
00:18:21,392 --> 00:18:23,643
so they looked untouched...
475
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:29,316
which means that these...
476
00:18:29,442 --> 00:18:32,068
These chips in here...
477
00:18:32,195 --> 00:18:34,279
are all empty.
478
00:18:34,405 --> 00:18:37,407
So the only thing
I'm left wondering is,
479
00:18:37,533 --> 00:18:40,118
how the hell do you plan
on sneaking the snacks
480
00:18:40,244 --> 00:18:42,078
out of this building?
481
00:18:42,205 --> 00:18:44,414
- All right, guys, I'm all done,
so I'm gonna head out.
482
00:18:44,540 --> 00:18:47,584
I'll see you at my party.
- Later.
483
00:18:51,422 --> 00:18:53,965
- Hey, get over here!
484
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,092
Man in gray,
get back here!
485
00:18:56,219 --> 00:18:57,719
- Aah!
486
00:18:57,845 --> 00:18:59,554
Oh, my God!
Oh. Oh!
487
00:18:59,680 --> 00:19:03,183
- Get over here!
- Oh! Ow!
488
00:19:03,309 --> 00:19:05,519
You made my Discman skip!
489
00:19:05,645 --> 00:19:08,104
- So we should just
steal these snacks, right?
490
00:19:08,231 --> 00:19:09,356
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm. Cool.
491
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,482
- All right.
- That worked out.
492
00:19:10,608 --> 00:19:11,983
- Here you go.
493
00:19:12,109 --> 00:19:13,902
- That was an incredible plan
that she had.
494
00:19:14,028 --> 00:19:16,196
- Yeah, way more Ocean's Eleven
and Thirteen than ours.
495
00:19:16,322 --> 00:19:17,989
- Yeah.
- But quite frankly, guys,
496
00:19:18,115 --> 00:19:20,492
I think our idea
of pulling the fire alarm,
497
00:19:20,618 --> 00:19:23,537
smashing the locks,
and grabbing all the snacks...
498
00:19:23,663 --> 00:19:25,038
Not a bad plan.
499
00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:28,500
- It was gonna work.
- I love you, dudes.
500
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,335
All right, we got snacks.
501
00:19:30,461 --> 00:19:32,254
- I want my snacks.
I want my crap.
502
00:19:32,380 --> 00:19:34,840
Crap?
503
00:19:34,966 --> 00:19:36,007
Crap!
504
00:19:36,133 --> 00:19:38,009
Busted, busters!
505
00:19:38,135 --> 00:19:40,846
Come on.
506
00:19:40,972 --> 00:19:42,180
Shit.
- Jillian...
507
00:19:42,306 --> 00:19:43,390
where are my Clif bars?
508
00:19:43,516 --> 00:19:45,350
- Shop-vac...
Toilet...
509
00:19:45,476 --> 00:19:46,893
They cut holes
behind every cabinet.
510
00:19:47,019 --> 00:19:50,814
- I asked you for one thing.
one thing!
511
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:54,192
God, I swear, you are, like,
mentally ill or something.
512
00:19:54,318 --> 00:19:55,861
Give me my Costco card.
513
00:19:55,987 --> 00:19:58,697
- Okay.
514
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:03,034
- You need to see a shrink,
'cause you suck dick at life.
515
00:20:03,160 --> 00:20:05,954
- You suck dick at life.
516
00:20:06,080 --> 00:20:07,372
[spits]
517
00:20:07,498 --> 00:20:08,874
[beatboxing]
518
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:10,584
- ♪ You gotta ♪
- ♪ Gotta be fresh ♪
519
00:20:12,003 --> 00:20:14,671
[beatboxing]
- ♪ He's insane ♪
520
00:20:14,797 --> 00:20:17,507
- Hey, get away.
Are you a star?
521
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:18,633
I didn't think so.
522
00:20:18,759 --> 00:20:20,051
- Who would you rather have?
523
00:20:20,177 --> 00:20:21,428
Who would you rather have?
524
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:22,971
Okay, well,
she just moved your hand.
525
00:20:23,097 --> 00:20:24,431
She just moved your hand.
526
00:20:24,557 --> 00:20:26,641
- Oh, oh, oh.
Take it back. Check it out.
527
00:20:26,767 --> 00:20:28,226
- Ursula! Hey!
- What the hell? God!
528
00:20:28,352 --> 00:20:29,769
- Whoa, whoa, man.
- What the [bleep] are you doing
529
00:20:29,896 --> 00:20:32,272
with your nose
in my wife's [bleep]?
530
00:20:32,398 --> 00:20:33,732
- Please!
- No, no, no.
531
00:20:33,858 --> 00:20:35,317
No, no, no.
That's bull[bleep].
532
00:20:35,443 --> 00:20:36,443
- No, she loves me, man.
533
00:20:36,569 --> 00:20:37,986
She loves me!
- Loves you?
534
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:39,905
- Here we go, here we go.
Here comes the boom.
535
00:20:40,031 --> 00:20:41,156
Check out a little bit
of this, brother.
536
00:20:41,282 --> 00:20:42,407
[trills tongue]
- You son of a [bleep]!
537
00:20:42,533 --> 00:20:44,326
- Oh!
538
00:20:44,452 --> 00:20:47,078
[all cheering, laughing]
Right?
539
00:20:47,204 --> 00:20:49,789
My God, man.
- That was awesome.
540
00:20:49,916 --> 00:20:51,249
- Yeah, but me and that dude
are cool now.
541
00:20:51,375 --> 00:20:54,210
He's, like, one
of my really good friends.
542
00:20:54,337 --> 00:20:56,713
He works at the Waterworld show
at Universal Studios.
543
00:20:56,839 --> 00:20:57,964
He can get us in for free.
544
00:20:58,090 --> 00:20:59,925
- Nice!
545
00:21:00,051 --> 00:21:02,010
[dog snorts]
[party horn blows]
546
00:21:05,139 --> 00:21:06,389
- I put the "cuc"
in the "monga,"
547
00:21:06,515 --> 00:21:07,641
so that's what I do.
- Yeah. Yeah.
548
00:21:07,767 --> 00:21:09,559
I put the "monga"
in the "cuc."
549
00:21:09,685 --> 00:21:11,102
- I'd like to put my "cuc"
in your "monga," if that's...
550
00:21:11,228 --> 00:21:13,063
- I do things
a little differently.
551
00:21:13,189 --> 00:21:14,689
- A thing you'd like to...
- He's a missionary-style guy.
552
00:21:14,815 --> 00:21:16,775
I'm a doggy-style guy.
I'm the kind of guy
553
00:21:16,901 --> 00:21:19,945
that would, like, put, like,
a rope system in his bedroom.
41499
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