All language subtitles for 2-18

Pam: I am actually looking forward
to "take your daughter to work day."

I am not great with kids,
but I wanna get better

because I'm getting married.

So iput out a bunch
of extra candy on my desk

so the kids will come
talk to me.

Like the witch
in hansel and gretel.

Bribery. Nice. Oh, I have more.

Name's Pam.
Miss beesly, ifyou're nasty.

Janet Jackson. Hey, you having
a wardrobe malfunction there...

Michael, you can't be
nasty today. Because of that.

Oh, god. Is that today?
I reminded you last night.

Listen, I like kids.

But this is not
a kids' environment.

This is like hbo. No limits.

Michael: Who knows what
I'm gonna say? Crazy stuff.

And it is "r" rated.
It is not rated "g."

I am like Eddie Murphy in raw.

And they are trying to make me

into Eddie Murphy
in daddy day care.

Both great movies, but still.

Well, I'll be in my office.

Don't you think you should
say something? They're cool.

Michael, I think that as
the boss you should really...

Fine, fine, fine, fine,
fine, fine. Hi, children.

I'm Michael Scott and I
am in charge of this place.

How do I make you understand...

I am like Superman.

And the people who work here
are like citizens of Gotham city.

That's Batman. That's Batman.

Okay. I'm aquaman.
Where does he live, guys?

The ocean.

I work with a bunch of nerds.

Heho, finyone. Comeon

you are the future.

This is my file cabinet.

Oh, this is the partition

between my desk and Angela's.

Abby's my fiancee Stacey's
daughter.

I think she'll have a good time.

I just hope she doesn't
look on my computer.

Actually, I better go check.

Michael, you remember
my daughter, Melissa.

Oh, yes. Hello, how are you?
Good to see you.

Wow, you've really grown up.

You know what? If you
don't mind me saying so,

she is turning into
a stone cold fox.

Better keep the frat boys
away from her.

I'm in eighth grade.

Stanley: She's in middle school.

Yeah, middle school's amazing.
It is extraordinary.

An extraordinary time.

It's not that children
make me uncomfortable.

It's just that, why be a dad
when you can be a fun uncle?

I've never heard of anyone
rebelling against their fun uncle.

They want how many
spualpads? Well, 50...

I over-ordered because
they had a back-order.

Michael: Okay.

Meredith: I got permission
to bring jakey in to work.

Which is great because
he got suspended this week

and now I don't have
to pay for a sitter.

Will you pull that down there?

Okay, tell them
what you wanted to say.

Doyouneed any help? No. Thanks.

We'd have to explain everything.

It's probably just easier
if we do it ourselves.

All right, iwasn't expecting
that. Let's go draw.

Oh, my god. She is so cute
iwanna die.

Don't you just love kids,
Angela?

I guess I wouldn't mind a pair
of small, well-behaved boys.

God, I cannot wait to get
pregnant and have babies.

Kelly and I both agreed
that we would just have fun.

And I'm learning
that fun for Kelly

is getting married
and having babies,

immediately, with me.

Just compare last year's order
to this year's.

Yeah, I'm looking at it
right now.

Yes.

Yeah, they're very...

They're different.

Yeah, we can stick
with last year's,

we're just gonna have
to supplement it, somehow.

Hey, Abby, do you wanna help
me shred some old documents?

Wsadumw pretty cool. No thanks.

I only have one goal today.
To make one kid like me.

Just one.

What are you reading?

From the mixed-up files
of Mrs. Basil e. Frankweiler.

Best book.

Yeah, but I've read
it before. So have I.

Hey, question:

If you had to spend
the night in the met

or the aquarium,
which would it be?

Definitely the aquarium.
Definitely. Yes. Glad you said that.

You don't wanna help me
with some of my sales, do you?

'Cause I'm kind of swamped.

Sure. Really? Yes.

And you're Abby, right? Yeah.

I'm Jim.

Jim: And, let's sell some
paper. Abby: All right.

Let's start with your mom.

Yes. Well, we can...

Hey, you know what? Can I call
you back? I'll call you right back.

Yes, I promise.

Hello. Can I help you?

You can pick that up if
you want. That's all right.

You wanna bring it over...

Here, I'll make some room.

My name's Michael.
What's your name? Sasha.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, you know what that is?
That is a train whistle.

Like I'm the conductor.

But I'm sort of the conductor
of the office here. Right?

Sure. You wanna try?

All aboard for sales!

Next stop, kukabonga.

You broke my hand!
There is no way that hurt.

Really? 'Cause she's
pretty strong, Dwight.

Little girl, come over here.

Shake my hand.

Come on. I don't have all day.

I don't feel anything.
Nothing. You're so weak.

Excuse me. These are
expensive collectors' items, okay?

Do you have any computer games?

No, I don't have computer
games on my work computer.

That would be inappropriate.

Yeah, Meredith doesn't have
any either. It's so lame here.

You call your mom, Meredith?
That's very disrespectful.

Whatever, okay?

You can refer to me
as Mr. Schrute.

That's your name?

Mr. Poop? Sch rute.

Mr. Schrute. Sure, Mr. Poop.

Sch rute.

Are you mother goose?

I drink like a hundred iced macchiatos
a day and practically nothing else.

Wow.

There's a really cool coffee place,
jitterz, at the steamtown mall.

You ever been there? No.

You've never been to jitterz?
Ryan, you are so dorky.

Give me your number
so I can text you.

Melissa: Come on.

Do you have an e-mail address?

I may be wrong, but I just
thought you should know.

I think something
a little fishy is going on.

Stanley: A little fishy?
Kelly: Yeah.

I mean, I've been noticing
them all day, and I just think...

That little girl is a child!

I don't wanna see you sniffing
around her anymore this afternoon.

Do you understand? Yes, sir.

Boy, have you
lost your mind? No.

'Cause I'll help you find it.
What you looking for?

Ain't nobody gonna
help you out there.

Jesus can come through that door

and he's not gonna help you

okay. If you don't stop
sniffing after my child.

Stanley yelled at me today.

That was one of the most
frightening experiences of my life.

That was greensleeves,
a traditional English ballad

about the beheaded Anne boleyn.

And now, a very special treat.

A book my grom-mutter used
to read me when I was a kid.

This is a very special story.
It's called struwwelpeterl

by Heinrich hoffmann from 1864.

"The great tall tailor
always comes

"to little girls
that suck their thumbs."

Are you listening, Sasha? Right?

"And ere they dream
what he's about,

"he takes his great
sharp scissors out

"and then cuts their thumbs
clean off."

Dwight, Dwight...
There's a photo.

What the hell are
you reading to them?

These are cautionary tales
for kids.

My grom-mutter
used to read them...

Yeah, you know what?
No, no, no, no.

They_.no. The kids don't
wanna hear some weirdo book

that your Nazi war criminal
grandmother gave you.

What's a Nazi? What's a Nazi?

Nazi was a fascist
movement... don't...

From the 1930s in Germany...
Don't, don't talk about Nazis

in front of... you know what?
They're gonna have nightmares.

Michael: Why don't you
just shut it?

I was gonna teach the children
how to make cornhusk dolls.

Why don't you just
leave, okay? Okay.

Bye, Mr. Poop. All right.
There goes Mr. Poop.

Now, who likes Dane cook?

I do!

Children cannot lie. They are
innocent and they speak the truth.

And out of the mouths of babes,

Michael Scott is freaking cool.

You know, I never
misbehaved in front of my father

because he was
a very strict disciplinarian.

I can only hope my mate has
some of those same qualities.

This is where the magic
happens. Right over here.

Let me show you this.

See all these? You know
what that is? That's paper.

This is where paper
comes from. Any questions?

So, you cut the paper
and dye it and stuff?

No, we don't actually out the
paper. That's a good question.

The paper is sent to us, out and
dyed, from a paper manufacturer.

And then we sell it to a business
for more than we paid for it.

That's not fair. No.

Yes, it is. Well...

You need someone in
the middle to facilitate...

You're just a middleman.
I'm not just a middleman.

Wait. Why doesn't the sawmill
just sell the paper directly to people?

You are describing office depot.

And they're kind of
running us out of business.

We have better service
than they do.

There's creed! Let's take a look

at what he's doing, everybody.

This is creed.

And he is in charge
of something.

Right? That is correct.

Say hi to the kids. Hi, kids.

Have you ever seen
a foot with four toes?

Michael: What are you doing? Stop
it! Stop it! Just... no, no, no, no, no!

Would you cut it out?

What is your problem?
The hair covers it up mostly.

No, no, no, we're not gonna
see the four-toed creed, okay?

You know, there's something
interesting about me

that you might want to know. I
used to be the star of a kids' show.

Children: No way!
Michael: It's true. I did.

Melissa: You serious?
I am totally serious.

There was a show called
fund/e bundle and I was the star.

Abby: That doesn't
sound like a show. It's true.

I can prove it.
I can prove it. Watch this.

Ryan! Can you
come here a second?

I would like you to go to my
mother's house in dickson city.

And if she is at the pool,

the back kitchen window
should be unlocked.

I want you to boost
yourself up. All right.

I want you to go down to the
basement. In the basement is a tape

labeled "fund/e bundle."

I want you to grab it. I
want you to get my guitar.

Right. Okay. I want
you to get a tambourine.

Do you know
how to play the tambourine?

I'm already getting the
pizzas from brunetti's, so...

You know, I can go with him. No!

I will go.
Okay. Thank you, Ryan.

Good attitude.
Hottest in the office.

All right. Now, what kind
of pizza do you like?

Michael: I don't get why
parents are always complaining

about how tough it is
to raise kids.

You joke around with them,

you give them pizza,
you give them candy,

you let them live their lives.
They're adults, for god's sake.

I am going to give you
a little blast from the past

of Michael Gary Scott,
when he was a child star

and a show that you might
remember called fund/e bundle.

Michael: Okay,
without further ado, Ryan.

Woman on TV:
Fund/e, are you ready

children: Yeah!

Let's have some fun!

That is miss Trudy. You
can't tell from the costume,

but she had an amazing body.

Michael: Okay,
you can fast-forward.

And I want you...
Jim: Is that a real,

functioning windmill?
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop.

Yes! That is Edward r. Meow.

That's pretty funny. Yes.

Recess! Hey, what's your name?

My name's Chet. Well, hi, Chet.

Is that Chet Montgomery?
Michael: I don't know.

That is! He's the
meteorologist from channel 5.

"Checking in with Chet.
Doppler 7."

Roy: That guy's legit.

What do you wanna be when
you grow up? I wanna be on TV.

And he is on TV now!

Would everybody please shut
up? Please. So you don't miss it.

Okay, next.

So, what's your name?
Oh, that's me! That's me!

What's your favorite
subject in school?

Recess.

Recess.

So, tell me, what do you
wanna be when you grow up?

I wanna be married and have a
100 kids so I can have 100 friends,

and no one can say no
to being my friend.

Okay. Well, nice talking with you,
Michael. Back to you, miss Trudy.

Hi, everyone. It's one of my favorite...
I could have sworn there was...

Did you get married? No.

Why not? It just never happened.

So, do you have any kids? Nope.

Jake: Do you have
a girlfriend? I do okay.

Melissa: Was Chet
Montgomery coolbackthen? Yes.

Jake: Even I have a
girlfriend. Okay. All right. Okay.

So, you didn't get to be
what you wanted to be?

I guess not.

You know,
I have a load of work to do.

So, I am going to grab
a slice of this delish pizza

and I'm gonna go do my work.

He's not coming out.
He won't pick up the phone.

I can't believe his mom
dressed him like that.

That's the real tragedy.

Pam, Pam! I love this guy!

Come on!

So, Melissa, I met your mom
a couple times.

She's so nice.

Who, Teri?

That woman is not my mother.
That is my stepmother.

Mr. Poop, I have
to tell you something.

Okay. But first,
that's not my name.

You're ugly.

Well, at least I'm not a
horrible little latchkey kid

who got suspended from school.

Meredith!

Yeah?

I think these belong to you.

Oh, that's okay.
She can keep those.

Believe me, she has enough toys.

She doesn't need your watch.

Thank you.

Is everything okay?

You have to ask me that because
you work for human resources.

That's true.

You know, sure, playing the
field is great. Don't get me wrong.

But there's more to life
than notches on my bedpost.

Tell me something honestly.

Do you think that it is too
late for me to have kids?

Well, you need a wife first.
Or at least a girlfriend.

What about... not jan.

Okay.

If you really wanna have kids,
I guess you could somehow...

A foster parent or something.

Or biologically.

Somehow.

Thanks. That's... no, that
really means a lot to me.

Hey, does Sasha have
a godfather? Because_.

Yes. Okay.

Is it okay if I take one? Sure.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Is your job hard?
It's not too bad.

I get to shred things
sometimes. Do you wanna see?

Yeah!

Really? Yeah.

Okay.

Here it is. Don't put
your fingers in there.

Cool, huh? That's so cool, yeah!

Yeah, I get to do this,
like, every week.

That's so awesome. I know.

Yes, it is true.

I, Michael Scott, am signing
up with an online dating service.

Thousands of people have
done it. And I am going to do it.

I need a username.
And I have a great one.

Little kid lover.

That way people will know
exactly where my priorities are at.

Go ahead.

Do you wanna come over
for dinner tonight?

Oh, man, I would love to.

I can't tonight. But can I
come over some other time?

What are you doing?
You never have plans.

Thanks, kev.

I'm actually going on a date.
Nice.

Michael: Hey, no please.
You can't leave yet.

There's still one more
thing we need to do.

You who are on the road

must have a code

that you can live by

both: And so become yourself

because the past

is just a good bye

and teach your children well

why does he own a guitar if
he doesn't know how to play.

I think he thought his
ukulele skills would transfer.

And feed them on your dreams

my theory is that...

The one they picks

the one you'll know by

don't you ever ask them why

if I told you, you would cry

you just look at them and sigh

and know they love you

and they do. Your parents
love you very much.

One more time.

You...

The schrutes consider
children very valuable.

In the olden days, the women
would bear many children,

so we would have enough
laborers to work the fields.

And if it was
an especially cold winter

and there weren't
enough grains or vegetables,

they would eat
the weakest of the brood.

No, they didn't eat
the children.

It never came to that.