All language subtitles for YOU.S02E03.WEB.AMRAP+ION10+NTG+STARZ+STRiFE.en

[MELODY PLAYING]

[JOE] Nora Ephron once wrote,

"Men and women can't be friends

because the sex part
always gets in the way".

But we're making it work, Love.

Keeping it simple.

We're friends.

[PANTING]

[JOE] Just friends.

[LOVE MOANING]

Want you to know I wouldn't blame you.

It's a tough scenario when
they go full sorority ho on ya.

Oh, come on. She's...

our boss.

[JOE] And it's for the best.

Can you imagine what I'd do
to Calvin if we were together?

Or worse, what I might do...

to you?

You leave me gifts every day.

I enjoy them as friendly offerings.

I can't let them mean
anything more because you...

Oh, that is phenomenal.

[INDIE MUSIC PLAYING]

[JOE] We still spend time together.

Between your busy work schedule and
volunteering at a soup kitchen...

you could use all the help you can get.

It's not that I don't want you.

We have a connection, something deep.

But the last time I loved someone...

Well, I can't risk repeating history.

So really, this is me protecting
you by being your friend.

[BUZZES]

[JOE] You see? This is easy.

Platonic.

Safe.

Just friends.

I don't know, man.

From what you're telling me...

it would be easier for
you and this chick to...

smash.

Don't say "chick".

[CHUCKLES] Lady friend?

You won't tell me her name, so...

You gonna guess or what?

T.

D.

S.

M.

Dude, slow down.

You'll be dead before you kiss the girl.

Hint, it's a place.

Madrid.

[WILL WHISTLES]

So is she pretty?

I'll be back at lunch.

Man, you could talk to me, the
least you could do is talk to me.

You're living under a false
name in a new city, [SCOFFS]

that's mega-lonely.

Maybe you could use a friend, too.

Like I said, I already have a friend.

I don't think you understand
how friendship works.

[STAMMERING] Man, I'm just kidding.

[RAPIDLY] How about a
heritage grain bowl for lunch?

[OVERLAPPING PLAYFUL SHOUTING]

[CHUCKLING] Oh, man.

That was great.

Okay.

[SING-SONGY] Hi.

You can play. Just stay close.

- You want to play?
- There you go, go on the slide.

I promise we didn't drag you
here just to watch our child

almost bash their face in.

Yeah.

We have news.

- We have a date.
- For the wedding?

- Yes.
- [GASPS] Oh, my God!

When? Where?

- October. It's a formality, obviously.
- It's more than an formality.

- It's gonna be modest.
- It's gonna be huge.

- We're on a budget.
- We're not.

I want to make your cake.

- [LUCY] No.
- [SUNRISE] No way, no.

That's too much work for you.

Your only job at this wedding
is to drink and dance.

- [SUNRISE CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- Please? I mean, I'll be amazing. It...

Come on, it would mean
so much to me. I...

[LOVE SIGHS] Not to be corny, but...

baking is how I express my love.

- Don't do that.
- Come on, don't break my heart.

- Of course!
- Oh, fine!

- Yes! Yeah-yeah-yeah!
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Oh, my God, okay, I am so
excited. I have so many ideas.

And I have all this energy that
I don't know what to do with.

Oh, there it is.

What is where?

You cook when you're happy and you
only bake when you're frustrated.

Let me guess. Will Bettelheim
flaked on you again.

Does he even exist?

And if so, I'm sorry to say it,
but he's obviously not into you.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, well, that's impossible.

Okay, look, if you're determined
to ignore the red flags,

then, yeah, you've gotta
take your cues from him.

- Or a radical idea: Bumble.
- True.

No.

But the second you start
to feel desperate...

- Ripcord.
- Yeah.

We'll see.

I'm definitely walking the
line between desperate and,

you know, shameless.

[LUCY CHUCKLES]

[LOVE] Will, hope you're not
triggered by the word "moist".

[JOE] Oh, it's like eating pure sex.

How am I supposed to resist this?

If only the universe
would send me some sign,

some platonic way to
stay in your good graces.

[FORTY] William fucking Bettelheim.

[JOE] Can I get a different sign?

Love's buns, am I right?

[JOE] Well, that's
accidentally horrifying.

Your sister's very talented.

[JOE] Whereas your twin brother
literally reeks of privilege.

Who shows up to work unshowered?

Who shows up anywhere in a kimono?

So, I couldn't help but notice,

you are crushing it.

Like, customers are talking about books.

[JOE] This is about Love, clearly.

Does he not know I'm not a threat?

But if I might humbly

make one suggestion...

[JOE] Here it comes, some clumsy
version of "stay away from my sister".

Journals.

You know, the muse
strikes like lightning,

and the best ideas are always
the ones that slip away.

You're a writer.

Director-producer, but writer first.

[JOE] I almost forgot, this is
LA. He's not interested in me,

he needs me to be interested in him.

You know, managing the store
just kinda helps me recharge.

I've got five features in development,

[CHUCKLING] two properties I'm chasing.

[JOE] Love, I'm not stupid.

This mix of humblebrag and gibberish

is your douchebag brother's
attempt to keep his enemy close.

Annapurna actually is set to produce,

and my dear friend, Daniel Day-Lewis,

is attached to this dope
pitch I've been kicking around.

[JOE] And last I checked, family
automatically trumps friends

in the social hierarchy.

I need to win this guy over.

But DDL's oeuvre is not about that

four-quadrant hero's journey bullshit.

So I'm, like, birthing the scenes

instead of impaling myself on the
rocks of a three-act structure.

"A good story cannot be devised,

it has to be distilled".

That's Raymond Chandler.

Exactly.

Sport.

Come with me to Harold Night after work.

I'm talent scouting.

An improv show?

[JOE] I'd rather watch a cat massacre.

That sounds dope.

[FORTY GRUNTS]

Incoming... non-ironic brah request

for one William Bettelheim.

[OUTBOUND TEXT]

[PHONE CHIMES]

Gotta go. Gotta write my morning pages.

[JOE] Maybe this is good, Love.

A benign thing that'll
deepen our friendship.

Now we share a brah.

He's a social creature.

Never alone, therefore never working.

There you are, cute, innocent...

Where did he go wrong?

Forty wrote and directed a short
film called The Third Twin...

[FORTY] ... au pair one summer.

Uh, and so Love and I were
making our own breakfast.

[JOE] ... that may have won a
Grand Jury prize at Sundance,

and he hasn't done a thing since.

His inspiration evaporated in
a haze of Hollywood parties

and VIP events.

Then at a certain point,
those evaporated too.

Your brother is a sycophantic
fame-grubbing Hollywood has-been,

so of course our first friend date

is in a sea of sweaty,

thirsty Hollywood outsiders.

You can't play that cello in here.

This is daycare.

- [AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
- Wait, did someone move the symphony?

[JOE] Young, hungry, and broke,

masquerading as
actors-slash-writers-slash-directors

to take the pain out of
being nannies-slash-baristas

slash-disappointments.

This room is a self-fellating
ouroboros of desperation.

He isn't even watching.
What are we doing here?

You're crazy.

[IMPROVISERS CHUCKLING]

[CHUCKLING] All right, thank you!

- [AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS]
- We are Trigger Warning!

But stay in your seats.

We've got a special treat for you.

It's a secret set

from someone you may know.

I knew it.

Henderson!

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

[JOE] A-ha! That's who we're here for.

Hendy and I go, like, way back.
I'm... I'm writing this role for him.

- My skirt was pulled up.
- So you're saying Henderson...

[APPLAUSE]

[STUTTERING] All right,
how many of you guys

have seen the movie and love
the movie Love Actually?

- [AUDIENCE MEMBERS HOOT]
- All right, get the fuck out.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

I'm serious, I don't want
you laughing at my shit

because then I'll be
second-guessing my taste.

All right? All right, strap in

and get ready for a 15
year old cultural staple

that's more cancerous
than my actual cancer.

[AUDIENCE CHEERS AND CLAPS]

[OLD-SCHOOL PUNK MUSIC PLAYING]

Um... So just, like, five minutes,

I promise, just long enough
for me to reconnect with Hendy.

Okay, hang on a second.

From what you know, is he...

Is he a good guy?

Oh, yeah, he's like, the best.

I mean, he used to be
kind of a party monster.

Um, then the cancer, like, really
set him on, like, a higher path.

Just... Okay.

Jonah, man, long time no see, dude.

Um, I just have some
business with Henderson.

No, no. You've got some balls, Quinn.

Come on, man. Like, you're
a manager now.

You're not a bouncer.

I'm... I'm sober now.

[JONAH] Then take Henderson
off your amends tour.

Okay, well, I'm sure if you
just let me speak to him...

What, you're gonna let her
through? What is she? 13?

- Are you serious, man?
- Ellie.

[JOE] Oh, no.

[ELLIE] Yeah, thank you. Appreciate it.

Fucking manager.

Five years ago, that guy
was Henderson's weed dealer.

And he would not know talent
if he was choking on its dick.

- Cool.
- Let's just go.

[JOE] I would follow your
brother, but I think you'd agree,

I need to follow the
unprotected 15-year-old first.

What's up, you need a ride home?

Um, nah, I'm good.
I'm a few blocks away.

- No candy from strangers, huh?
- [ELLIE CHUCKLES]

Have fun.

[ENGINE STARTS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

- Ellie.
- [GASPS]

You scared me.

Oh, okay, this cannot be our thing.

What, are you following me?

- No, I was at the show.
- Why?

You're not funny.

I was with a friend.

Listen, I have to ask.

Uh, hanging out with Henderson,
you know, your... your sister has...

history with him.

Oh, my God.

Did Delilah put you up to this?

Yeah, 'course I know she slept with him.

He's one of a hundred,
she's one of a thousand.

- So why are you hanging out with him?
- I'm not hanging out.

I'm chasing an internship.

And Delilah's okay with that?

I stole Henderson's
email from her contacts.

Don't you dare tell her.

- Ellie, you know guys like that...
- Guys like what?

Wait, let me guess.
She called him a perv.

Know who else she called that?

Half the fucking cast of
Sesame Street, okay?

It's her go-to. And who
do you think you are?

Oh, my God, you're so kind.

You're so protective.
You're like my daddy.

- [YELLING] Is that what you like to hear?
- No.

- [LOUDER] Do you want to fuck me, William?
- No.

- No, yeah, of course you do!
- Never mind.

Of course you do!

Everybody wants to fuck the 15-year-old!

[JOE] Oy, she's precocious, all right.

I'll leave the parenting
to her sister for now.

Especially because I have
caretaking needs of my own.

[CHUCKLES] Cafe Gratitude.

What's the occasion?

You got laid, didn't you?

Tell me everything.

U.

You're an arm away from death.

Serves you right for changing the
subject away from your lady friend.

Well, there's nothing to talk
about, we're still friends.

Still platonic.

[CHUCKLING] But why?

'Cause her pheromonal effect
on you ceased overnight?

No, it's not that I don't still...

Well, what are you trying to prove?

That I won't repeat history.

With respect...

you need to see a shrink
'cause you are fooling yourself.

Your deal is we're all subconsciously

trying to date our moms over and over.

Patterns are set young,

and all romance is basically
reenacting parental dynam...

What? I'm quoting my shrink.

- Oh!
- And... and he's right.

Both my mom and my fiancée
are very withholding.

I'm sorry, are... are you married?

Engaged.

Her name is Gigi. She
lives in the Philippines.

Is this the one you
sent all your money to?

Yeah, man. I told you I love her.

We met online.

One day, we'll meet in person.

Will, you are 100% disqualified
from giving me relationship advice.

It's Manila.

Well, yeah, I gave you
the biggest hint ever.

Wait, hey, are we just gonna play
games until my meds run out again?

[WILL LAUGHS]

If I have a future at this company,

corner office, natural light.

Transfer to another branch.

When I know, you will
be the first to find out.

Wait, you're not eating?

No. No, the lady friend's a baker.

[LAUGHING] What?

Stop playing games and
just wife her already.

Hey, and while you're at it, take
her name and give mine back to me.

[UPBEAT INDIE MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, Love.

Hey. How's it going?

I'm already drooling.

[LOVE CHUCKLES]

[JOE] Shit.

Well, that's embarrassing.

Were... were you expecting something?

What? No. No, I didn't mean...

It's not like I'm owed a muffin.

- A muffin?
- Uh, a strudel.

Maybe a light religieuse.

Oh, great.

Three-hour project,
I'll get right on that.

[SLAMS LOCKER LOUDLY]

This is weird, right?

All I meant was that I'm
grateful for whatever I can get.

Which is...

whenever you want.

- Or if you don't...
- You're right, this is weird.

[JOE] Shit. If I could
kiss you right now,

you'd know I meant no harm.

But apparently, friendships are
more fragile than relationships.

[METAL CLATTERING]

I'm sorry.

[SIGHS] For what?

I just don't know what you expected.

[FORTY] Sport.

Hi.

So, uh...

Now that I know you're
not a crazy person...

- I gotta ask.
- [JOE] And here it comes.

What are your intentions with my sister?

[JOE] Apologize to you, marry you,

send your brother out of
strangulation's reach.

Intentions?

Yeah.

Not to be all like, you know...

but um...

if you were to hurt my sister,

I could make life very
difficult for you at the store.

Love and I are just friends.

Don't get me wrong, she's
amazing. I'm the problem.

I'm kinda getting over
some stuff, you know?

I'm working on myself.

Oh, shit.

Dude, are you...

Are you in recovery?

- [JOE] Nope.
- Kinda.

Man, me too. Which... which program?

SLAA?

Wait.

Just because I choose to live so openly

does not mean you have to answer that.

I'm in AA, and you know...

for right now...

that's enough.

Thanks, man.

[CHUCKLING] Yeah. You know, I um...

actually have this killer idea
for, like, a psychological thriller

set in the world of celebrity rehab.

[JOE CHUCKLES] Let me guess.

An addiction counselor turns
out to be a celebrity stalker?

Holy shit.

I think you just cracked it.
Are you... are you a writer?

I'm just a reader.

Speaking of Love...

does she seem off to you?

I think I might have offended her.

[FORTY] I wouldn't sweat it.

She's, like, very
wound up lately. [SIGHS]

She's always baking.

But like...

who bakes for the baker?

You know?

[JOE] Your brother's right.

I've been taking your
talents and you for granted.

Maybe in my attempt to give you space,

our friendship's become one-sided.

Maybe I can feed you like you feed me.

[DELILAH] Don't walk out on
me! Ellie, stop right there!

Are you or are you not
dicking around with Henderson?

[JOE] Good, Delilah, set her straight.

Are you or are you not spying on me?

You were at his not-so-secret set.

Not exactly discreet.

- How much did you pay Will to follow me?
- What are you talking about?

The house manager texted
me. She's one of my tipsters.

[SIGHS] Listen, Ellie...

Henderson is bad news.

- You need to believe me.
- Why?

I don't even know what
happened between you two

because you won't tell
me anything about it.

Maybe because there's nothing to tell.

[CHUCKLING] You're a
walking after school special.

Hey, not everything is a story, okay?

You think everyone is damaged
because you're damaged.

Matter of fact, you love damage so much,

you made it your full-time job,

and it turned you ugly.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Oh, hey.

One,

what the fuck are you doing
creeping around my sister?

Two, why the fuck would you not tell me?

Delilah, I ran into her.

The last thing I wanted was any of this,

but so you know, I actually
did try to talk to her,

and she said... she
said it was harmless.

Oh, okay. Yeah, good neighboring, okay.

Did you reach her little heart

with your little words?

She's 15, Will!

Doesn't matter what she thinks
because the age of consent is 18.

She said it was an internship.

Really.

How can I help?

Just... [HUFFS]

stay the hell out of the way
while I take down the bad man.

What are you gonna do?

Same thing Ronan Farrow does,

except faster and
with a personal agenda.

It's only a matter of time before
I Harvey the shit out of Henderson.

I have rumors and sources, and
eventually I'm gonna have evidence.

- [DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]
- [JOE] Her heart's in the right place.

I just wish I could trust Delilah
to protect her little sister.

More to the point, I wish I
could trust Ellie, period.

Full disclosure, I put some
family-friendly spyware

on the new phone I gave
her to protect myself.

Crazy the lengths parents have to go to

to keep an eye on their kids these days.

- Now, it's going to help me...
- It's a new phone.

[JOE] ... protect her.

I wasn't lying, Love. The last thing
I want to be in is her business.

But I meant it when I said
I'll make myself worthy of you.

That means not turning a blind eye

to obvious cries for help from a child.

Here's what I've learned so far.

Teenagers' inner lives
are, on the outside, boring

and borderline nonsensical.

In Ellie's defense,

she's smarter than her chuckle buddies.

Bottom line, though,
Henderson's correspondence

seems as benign as the others.

She seems to be working for him.

He seems to respect her taste.

And all of their texts are about films,

which brings us to tonight's event:

obscure film screening with a
group of mixed-gender adults.

Not my idea of a good time,
but, I gotta say, harmless.

I think I can stand down, which
is a relief because, frankly,

I've gotta focus on
salvaging our friendship.

Let's face it, me baking for the baker

is a one-way ticket to a kitchen fire.

So I'm getting creative and I owe
my inspiration to your brother.

Love and I were making our own breakfast

from total junk every morning.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[CHUCKLING] Oh, no.

I stole it from work.

Don't tell my boss.

Okay.

Fancy!

Mm! It smells like absolutely nothing.

Well...

That, my friend, is where you are wrong.

S'il vous plaît.

Merci.

Et voilà!

Chilla Wafers?

I have not had this since I was a kid.

- Forty put you up to this.
- Kind of.

But he neglected to mention
you call them "Chilla Wafers".

Oh, yes. This is an art.

You take the challah,
you soak it in the cocoa,

then you take that wet blob and
you put it between two wafers.

- That sounds delicious.
- Will, it is...

[SMACKS LIPS] ... terrible.

- [CHUCKLING]
- Like, inedible.

Please don't actually
try this. [CHUCKLES]

It's the thought that counts.

And so, uh...

What is this called?

It's breakfast, it's lunch,
sometimes it's dinner.

It was the best I could do as a kid.

Which, you know, well,
uh, it's pathetic.

Anyway, try it. Try it.

[JOE MOANING] Uh...

I'm sorry.

I am so sorry. I did not
mean for this to be romantic.

Are you kidding?

I mean, look at this.

Are you a sociopath? I mean...

I told you, I'm... This is...
I'm trying to not hurt you.

And I told you that's stupid
and giving me zero credit.

Okay, I don't... [STUTTERING] I
don't care what you think you are,

I care about your actions, what...

what you do.

And these mixed signals, I mean...

peak shitty.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[WHISPERING] Oh, Love.

[GIRL VOMITING LOUDLY]

[ELLIE COUGHING]

[ELLIE SPITTING]

[SIGHS]

I'd like to ask if you're okay,

but I don't wanna be
accused of hitting on you.

What do you care?

I don't want the plants
to be over-watered.

[COUGHS, SNIFFLES]

- Ellie, if something happened to you...
- Oh, my God.

Just shut up about Henderson.

It's not his fault, okay?

- What do you mean?
- We were all watching a movie.

There were snacks.

I ate...

something.

Next thing I knew, I
was lying on the balcony.

[STUTTERING] Henderson was a good guy.

He chewed Jonah out for the edibles

and he even paid for my town car.

Ellie, are you saying you don't
remember, like you lost time?

[ELLIE] Don't.

You sound like Delilah.

Shit. You can't tell my sister.

She'll blow things way
out of proportion. Please.

Please don't tell her.

Okay.

I won't tell Delilah.

[ELLIE COUGHS]

[CONTINUES COUGHING]

[JOE] I'll just have to
do the parenting myself.

[GATE SQUEAKING]

[GATE SLAMS]

Tell me how to hack a celebrity.

I...

require more information.

Henderson. An underage girl.

Probably dozens.

That's all you need.

Okay, but hacking? What
are you looking for?

Evidence he's a pervert,
something that'll take him down.

[WILL SIGHS]

Are you doing this for the baker?

No.

I'm trying to protect a kid.

[WILL CHUCKLES]

No offense, but you don't
strike me as the vigilante type.

Which means you're getting something
out of this other than altruism.

Like...

sense of self-worth?

To prove you're a good person?

Will...

listen to me closely.

If you don't quit the faux shrink
bullshit right now and help me,

I will know you are a bad person,

and I have no trouble doing
bad things to bad people.

I...

bow to your superior self-justification.

I can probably hack the man,

but first I require two things.

One,

the dude's jacktop.

No celeb keeps gross shit
on the cloud or their phone

since Celebgate 2014.

So if he's smart, he's got a
dedicated perv device, hence...

Jacktop, okay.

What's the other thing?

A second laptop.

With WiFi.

Not a chance.

I need to download my tools, man.

Unless you know Python, Perl, Lisp...

There are ten ways you could send
an SOS with one minute of WiFi...

Linux, Nexus, Hashcat...

Or I could teach you how to hack.

By the time we're done, your
victim will be of legal age.

[SCOFFS]

What is going on with you
today, huh? What is this?

Don't blame me.

You're the one who has all the
time in the world to work out.

I've been swamped.

I've been managing our parents' store,

rewriting my feature,

and now I'm in development on
False Promises with Will.

It's like Promises in Malibu,

but with fake people.

Yeah.

I get it.

Didn't know you two were
spending so much time together.

Why are you so prickly about Will, huh?

Is something going on?

If something's going
on, you should tell me

because... twinsparency.

You know, it's really funny

how you only seem to
care about twinsparency

when you have nothing going on.

Wow! Wow!

Fuck that. Come on.

You know I'm just trying to protect you.

Why are you all up in my shit today?

Because you're avoiding.

You keep glomming onto people

thinking that's what's
gonna make you successful.

Will can't help you.

You need to help you.

Why don't you just do the work?

Or maybe you're threatened
by the possibility

that Will and I could become
closer than you ever could.

Good game.

Yeah, write a script.

Fuck.

[JOE] The plan: get
in Henderson's house,

get jacktop to Will.

Not my first rodeo, thank you, Peach.

But this one's a celebrity.
Finding his place...

Surprisingly easy.

Oh, he bought his historic
Hollywood Hills compound

from dear friend Judd off-market.

Address unlisted, of course,

unless you look for Joshua
Bunter in LA voter rolls,

which are public record.

Libertarian. Fucking sleazebag.

Henderson's pad, built in the
20s, four-bed, three-bath,

original tile, shallow-pitched
exposed wood ceilings,

and very high walls.

Scratch breaking and entering.

I need to be invited in.

Which means scoring an invite
to a legendary Henderson party.

VIP only.

It's too bad my dear
friend Forty is non grata.

No, I need to befriend
somebody on the edge of fame.

Henderson's pre-celeb pals.

And what better place to find a
nobody who thinks he's somebody...

than the improv crowd.

Cross-reference Hendy's
Insta tags with Facebook

with people he ats on Twitter out
of his hundred thousand followers,

and you find...

Freddy.

He's my ticket in.

But in order to become an
insider in the cult of improv,

I've got to speak the lingo.

Freddy's whole thing is yes-and.

Only gets you so far.

Then the game of the scene takes over.

[JOE] God help us.

Scenes are built on agreement.

Someone makes an offer.

Chucky said you want to kiss
my peepee behind the swingset.

No matter what, you say, "Yes, and..."

Yes, I said that.

And...

I want him to watch.

[JOE] Which is a great
way to indoctrinate

female teammates into Hollywood.

You want to be famous?
You gotta be game.

Someday, if you're lucky enough,
you can say yes-and to Henderson.

- [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
- All right, guys, that's our show.

Thanks for coming.

That was great. Good job.

I'm glad you could see me up there

'cause you could see me in my element.

[JOE] Nobody advances in
this cult with talent alone,

they climb with heat, connections,

and for that, I must channel
my dear friend Forty.

Hey, Freddy.

Yeah.

- Great show.
- Oh, thanks, man.

- You used to be in WolfJizz, right?
- Oh, yeah, totes.

And that team had instant group mind.

Totes. I saw you at Del
Close a couple years back.

Eugene said you were a must-see.

Oh, you know Eugene?

[JOE] He's but the tip of a
second-hand bullshit iceberg.

Man, Eugene is the best teacher

I've ever had.

Such strong initiations.

Like, I got to guest spot
a few fuck around shows,

and watching him and Billy
and Henderson mind-meld...

- It's church.
- They're good, yeah.

You know? So I just moved from New York.

You and Hendy used to be
on a Harold team, right?

[CHUCKLING] Oh, Chudthumper?
You know that?

- Yes! Your object work was brilliant.
- That group was crazy.

Oh, thanks, man.

Hey, uh, speaking of Hendy,

you know about the after-show
thing at this place?

- No, but it'd be sweet to catch up.
- Yeah, you should come.

Gate code is D-I-C-K-S. [LAUGHING]

- Classic Henderson, right?
- Classic.

- I'll see you there?
- Yeah.

Chudthumper...

[JOE] Well, that was
only mildly debasing.

Now, all I need is to slip
in and out with a jacktop,

unnoticed in a stream of white guys.

I know, I'm using my privilege for good.

[FORTY] Old sport?

What are you doing here?

[JOE] No. No way. Did he follow me?

I hit it off with
someone at the theater.

Did you and Henderson make up?

Not yet, but I'm seizing the bull.

I'm... I'm doing the work.

I'm gonna pitch False Promises
live and in the flesh.

So go ahead.

[JOE] Poor bastard didn't
even get an invite.

So much for unnoticed.

[KEYPAD BEEPING]

Forgive me, Love, I've gotta
ditch your brother, ASAP.

[FORTY GIGGLES]

"Dicks". Classic.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER,
INDIE MUSIC PLAYING]

[HENDERSON] I want to know
who from the Family got

cut from the guest list.

[WOMAN LAUGHING]

Take care. Send me the pic.

[FORTY] See that chick?
That's Henderson's agent.

- I'm gonna find a bathroom.
- Okay.

[JOE] It's risky to leave Forty
in a force field of anti-sobriety,

but I'm not his babysitter.

I'm here for Ellie.

Tina.

[TINA CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Tina.

Forty. It's been a minute.

Oh, what are you working on these days?

I'm so glad you asked.

I have got this psycho-sexual thriller

set in a, um, a celebrity rehab facility

that I think Henderson
would be perfect for.

It's real, it's fucked up,

- funny, star vehicle...
- Oh, wow. How does it end?

Well, you would need to know
the beginning and the middle...

Wow, sounds promising.

- Yeah, let's set up a meeting and we can...
- No.

Mm-mm. No way.

[CHUCKLING] Why?

Forty, you know when people
talk about having it?

You don't have it.

It is a combination
of talent and work ethic.

And I'm telling you this to help you

because you can have
ideas and nothing to say.

But here's the silver lining:

you're rich.

You don't need to struggle.

You could, like, finance
indie films or something.

You'd be so good. You're so fun.

- [FORTY LAUGHS]
- Think about it, okay?

I love you. I'm trying
to protect you. Mwah!

Mm-hmm.

[JOE] Henderson's inner sanctum.

It's so... normal.

It's a certain kind of assault, but
bad taste does not a predator make.

I wonder how many people Josh alienated

as he climbed the mountain
to become Henderson.

And how many girls Henderson
traumatized once he had all the power.

[FORTY] It's Chekhov's knife.

And as soon as we see it,

then you know throats are gonna get cut.

But we don't know whose,
and we don't know why.

Sure, she's... she's
cutting an apple right now,

but the audience is gonna be
subconsciously terrified...

[JOE] Oh, shit.

... for the human apple.

[MAN] It's powerful, man.

Old sport!

I am pitching False Promises

to these fine fuckers,

and I'm on page six,

which now that I'm saying it out loud,

feels like page three.

[JOE] I should leave,
I should just leave,

go help Ellie, let Forty screw Forty.

[FORTY, ECHOING] Sport? Sport.

[SHUTTER CLICKS]

Forty, hey...

Forty, your sister's asking
for you. Let's get out of here.

No.

Boo-oo!

Party foul!

Tell her... tell her I'm mid-pitch.

I'm en fuego. She'll get it.

Forty!

Please, let me take you home.

Come on. You don't want
her to see you like this.

- [MALE PARTY-GOER] Yo, Captain Buzzkill!
- Why not?

This is exactly...

what she expects, promise.

Do you have any idea how painful it is

disappointing someone
who is that perfect?

You would be surprised.

Hey, you know what?

You need to be drinking that
swill if you're doing blow.

- Get down. Hey, easy, easy.
- [FORTY] Henderson, Henderson.

- Yeah, no, I have a pitch for you.
- We got a lot of

catching up to do, buddy.

All right? But let's just, uh,
not mix business with pleasure.

Let's just call Tina and we'll
set up a meet with the both of us.

[JOE] Henderson's trying to help.

- No, I'm... I'm good. Let's talk.
- No, no, I know you're good.

As a matter of fact,
I'm the one that's tired.

Actually... Everybody,
guys, I'm tired, so...

[PARTY-GOERS BOOING]

All right, whatever.
Fuck you, young people.

I'm in my 30s, I'm down a nut, and

I need my eight hours, so good night!

[JOE] Did this guy
just tank his own party

to make Forty feel better about leaving?

- Oh, Henderson, man, I owe you an apology.
- No, shh.

- I'm really sorry.
- Hey, hey, hey. You're a delicious prince.

Okay?

Get home safe.

Bygones are bygones.

Here, I'll get you to Love's, okay?

No, no! No, please, please.

I don't... I don't want to go

to somewhere funded
by Quinn blood money.

Don't... don't you get the curse yet?

Okay, okay, then we'll go to mine.

- Okay.
- All right?

Hey, buddy, do I know you?

[FORTY GRUNTING]

Will. We, uh... we
met at a party, Valley.

- Oh, the finger guy, right? Yeah.
- Yes.

You're Delilah's friend.
So you know Ellie.

Yes.

And...

she's very smart.

Did you just yes-and my small talk?

Yes, and I regret it.

Hey, keep practicing.
That was really good.

She... Ellie is... Is
she your intern or... ?

Yeah, that kid is so, so smart.

Ah, it's the least a privileged
white male asshole can do.

[FORTY PUKING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[FORTY GROANS]

Hey.

- What did he take?
- No idea.

It happened so fast.

[FORTY] I'm sorry.

- I'm really sorry.
- [LOVE] What did you take?

[FORTY PUKING]

Would you mind putting on some tea?

[FORTY GRUNTING]

[WHINING] I'm sorry.

There you go.

Do you think I'm talented?

Of course I do.

- That's why I push you.
- But...

do I have to, like...

live in a shitbox like
this to be a real artist?

Like...

where even are we?

[STERN] Hey.

You're with me.

Always will be.

And that's all that matters.

What's the point?

Even if I made something
really good now,

nobody is gonna care about it.

That's not true.

Whatever you write, I can't wait...

to read it

'cause it's gonna come from you.

I'm sorry I didn't look
after your brother tonight.

It's not your job.

It's mine.

And Forty's fragile.

Life just keeps kicking
the shit out of him.

Always has since we were kids.

Everybody sees the money. They
don't understand he never...

[INHALES AND EXHALES DEEPLY]

He never had a chance.

Oh, when he was little,
he was confident.

Creative.

So sweet.

[SIGHS] Then, this one summer...

the year my parents launched Anavrin,

they left us with this...

fucking crazy au pair.

Forty saw way too much, too young.

Now I'm the one who picks
up the pieces because...

he needs someone.

He's a good person.

He just does some bad things sometimes.

I'm sorry.

That's hard.

But that's love.

[LOVE CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

See, this is what I'm talking about.

I'm not perfect either.

Codependent brother...

A widow...

You haven't even met my parents yet.

You deserve better...

than another broken soul.

We're all a little broken.

Yet some pieces still
manage to fit together.

- [JOE GROANS]
- Shh! He's sleeping.

[SNORING]

[BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY]

[LOVE MOANS GENTLY]

[JOE GRUNTS]

[SHUSHES]

I told you.

We have to be quiet.

[LOVE MOANS LOUDLY]

[MUFFLED MOANING]

[LOVE GRUNTING]

[BOTH GRUNTING LOUDER]

[JOE] You're a different
kind of woman, Love.

This time will be different.

I will never hurt you.

If anything, we can heal each other,

and I promise, I'll never take
your cooking for granted again.

[FORTY] Morning, old sport.

How do you like your eggs?

Sunny side up.

[JOE] And I will try
my hardest to accept

being in a damn throuple
with your brother.

[TAPPING] How much longer?

Ask the shitty burner you bought.

[WILL INHALES]

Well, good news,

dude was easy to crack.

The bad news, the dude was clean.

It's impossible.

I scrubbed all his files, accounts,

search history, Pornhub.

[JOE] Well, I did my job.

If I'm willing to put my faith in Love,

then maybe Ellie
deserves the same trust.

She's smart.

How you feeling?

Embarrassed.

Hey, I'm really sorry I puked
in such close proximity to you.

- Ah...
- It was a bad edible.

So gross.

Thanks for not narcing me out.

It's on your list.

A bookseller gets murdered
in the first 20 minutes,

so, uh... if it's too much
for you, I'll understand.

All right, gotta get to Hendy's.

The hustle never stops, William.

You're gonna come home to
the first book on your list.

- It's a hardcover.
- I'm already bored.

[JOE] For Ellie, something dark,

funny, ambitious,

a break from the dreck that
crosses Henderson's desk.

Bettelheim.

- [JOE] Oh, speaking of.
- So here is the crusher.

I have been...

giving it some thought,

and I don't think False
Promises is gonna happen.

It's a short story, not a feature film.

Oh, I'm sorry. That's a real shame.

It's okay. We'll think of
something better, right?

A real showcase for Henderson.

My lunch with him is still on
the books for next week, so...

That's great.

Hey, can I ask?

What happened between you two?

You know, I don't actually remember
much of the night in question.

I mean, there was not much at that
party that wasn't in my system.

It was all gonna... come up
eventually, right? [CHUCKLES]

Just wish it hadn't been
all over his secret toy room.

- Secret toy room?
- Yeah.

It's one of those old Prohibition houses

with the hidden speakeasy doors.

Henderson has transformed it
into this whimsical little...

creepy dungeon, I guess.

And I went full Exorcist
on that shit, just like...

[IMITATES DEMON]

You said it's creepy.

Imagine if you collected kids' stuff,

yet also were low-key a bit of
a fucking sadist in the sack.

- That.
- [JOE] A secret room.

Huh.

I'm disappointed I missed that.

[CLOSING MUSIC PLAYING]

- Synced and corrected by Firefly -
- www.addic7ed.com -