Original subtitles

Hey, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm making a photo album of our first year together. Oh, look.

Here's you and me and Brian and Casey on our wedding day.

And here's you and me and Brian and Casey just after the honeymoon.

And here's you and Brian and Casey carrying me over the threshold.

What are you doing?

That's it.

I'm not going through another year without a picture of us alone.

Okay, you ready?

Here we go.

Smile.

Oh, hey, look, they're taking a picture. Come on.

No, no,

no.

Roy.

cyber dating yet.

I'm thinking of answering this ad. Six foot two, athletic doctor seeks loving,

affectionate mate. Let me translate that for you, Cochran.

Six foot two. That means five foot five in lifts.

Athletic doctor.

Flabby shut-in.

Seeks loving, affectionate mate.

Big time horndog.

There are honest people left in the world.

Dear Dr.

Gorgeous, I'm a buff Uma Thurman lookalike,

and I'm ready for my checkup.

Could you forget about it, Brian? We can't afford it. No, but it was the

perfect house. Three bedrooms, fireplace, a deck.

Yeah, way too much money. Let it go.

Well, I can't let it go. Joe and Helen want us out of the house by Monday, but

there's no other decent rental on the island.

Would you stop exaggerating? I mean, what was wrong with that cute cottage on

Meadow Lane?

Nothing. Except we'd have to take care of the 500-pound woman in the back

bedroom.

You're right. That other house is perfect. I mean, flower boxes and a

porch swing. Built-in vanity with a day-night dimmer.

Oh, well.

You're just a big girl, aren't you?

Hey, everybody.

I think it sure is a great day.

What's so great about it? Oh, well, the sky is blue, the birds are a-thinging,

I'm having sex like a jackrabbit.

Wow. What's that set in your back?

No, no, with my girlfriend, Elise.

Elise?

Is that still going on? Sure is, baby.

You're kidding.

I mean, that is... Why, why, why is it so hard to believe that a beautiful

woman like Elise could fall for a guy like me?

Because your last girlfriend was a troll and she dumped you.

She wasn't a troll.

She lived under a bridge and had a beard. What would you call her?

Well, I don't care what you think.

As I said to Elise this morning when I woke up at her apartment, you know, in

her arms, in her bed, I said, boy, we sure had a lot of sex last night, didn't

we?

Antonio, we get it.

You're spending all of your time at Elisa's. Wait a minute. So that means

that you're never home, doesn't it?

Right, and that's because we're having girly. Yeah, I know, I know, I know.

But who looks out for your stuff, huh? Who takes in your mail? Who waters the

plants? Sounds like you could use some roommates.

Yeah, roommates.

Well, who would want to move into my place? I only have a room for one bed.

And my bathroom is really just a toilet with a courtesy drape.

Um, what exactly is a courtesy drape?

Actually, I was boasting. It's really more of a thin sheet.

When the light hits it a certain way, you might as well be on stage.

Uh, anywho, uh, Antonio?

We have got an extra bedroom in this great new house we want to rent.

Why don't you just move in with us? Yeah, it's a great house in a beautiful

neighborhood. Why don't you come and take a look?

Well, I guess it might be nice to live on a street where a car isn't on fire

every night.

What's the rent?

Fifty bucks less than what you're paying now.

That plus what I'd save on rat poison and gopher bait could add up to some

serious dough.

So, how do you want to celebrate our first night living alone?

I don't know. Let's do something that we couldn't do when Brian and Casey lived

here. Okay.

I know.

Let's get in the hot tub.

Well, what's so special about that? We did that all the time when they were

here. Not in the nude.

Naked in the hot tub.

I can get my behind behind that.

Where are you going?

Upstairs to take off my clothes. Why go upstairs?

There are no designated non-naked areas anymore.

You're right.

From now on, it's all nude all the time.

You know, Brian, I have to admit, getting Antonio to move in was a stroke

of genius. He's the perfect roommate. I mean, quiet, clean, considerate.

Never ever here, huh?

You know, I was thinking we could turn his room into a home gym.

No, no, no.

I've got big plans for that room.

Plans? What plans?

That room's gonna be my recording studio.

What are you gonna record?

Sounds I make.

Antonio, what are you doing here?

What do you mean?

I live here.

Oh, no, you don't. You pay rent here. You live at Elisa's.

Not anymore.

She dumped me.

Helen, what is with that apron? I thought we agreed.

Nude, nude, totally nude.

Hey,

I am not making bacon naked.

Well, all right, but the second you're done cooking, that apron comes off.

I don't have to fix my arm. I don't think I was really living until I was

living nude.

Yeah, well, think about it. If it wasn't for Brian and Kathy, we'd still be

trapped in our clothes, living the lie.

You know, we should really look into one of those colonies for our next vacation.

They're all over the place. Oh. Okay. Where would you like to go?

I don't know. I wouldn't mind being nude in Europe.

Wait a minute, Joe. I don't mean to be a flag waver, but see American nude first.

I'll get it. Oh.

Hey.

Hey, guys. What can I do for you? Hey, we live in the neighborhood. I'm

Spencer. This is Judd.

Uh, Joe, maybe the boys could come back later. Uh, yeah.

Guys, it's really not a good time right now. Yes, it is.

See, we've got something you might be interested in.

We were working on our astronomy project for school, and we were taking some

pictures of the sky, and, well, did you know we saw a full moon last night?

Yeah, two of them.

Oh, my God.

It's pictures of us taking our hot tub nude.

And us barbecuing nude.

And me cleaning the rain gutters nude.

Remember that. Yeah, you were in the kitchen cleaning the oven, dude.

Okay, boys, we are going to tear these up, and we're going to call your

parents. Okay, but I'd scan those pictures onto my computer.

One push of a button, and you'll be cruising buck naked down the Internet.

Unless... Unless... What?

We want to invite our friends over and use your house for a party.

A make-out party.

Uh-huh. Well, I'll tell you what. If you think that we are going to be

blackmailed by a couple of snot-nosed little peeping toms, you're crazy.

That's right. You know, you're messing with adults here.

Adults that are a lot smarter than you.

Hey, there's someone looking in your window.

Thank you.

in a situation like this, Casey, sarcasm.

Whoa.

Whoa, guys.

Don't take this the wrong way, but you got a nasty stink on you.

Oh, great. Now it's on our clothes.

Roy, if you must know, it's garlic.

Antonio likes to cook when he's depressed.

No, it's not so much the cooking that bothers me.

It's not even that he lays around all day in those ratty pajamas moaning and

wailing and sobbing. And rocking and whimpering and blubbering. Not even the

thumb sucking or the drooling or the self-mutilation.

It's the singing.

That same stupid song over and over again. Their song, Cherish.

Oh, I like that song.

Cherish is the word I used to describe.

Sounded good.

We should sing a duet down at the VA Hall on karaoke night. That's a great

idea.

Just what those veterans need, more pain in their lives.

Ah, well, look who's here. Hey, you got out of your jammies, buddy.

Well, you know you got to make an effort.

Good for you. Glad to see you're back on your feet.

Okay, okay.

There's enough self-pity.

I'm going to make it up to you. I'm cooking dinner.

Actually, Antonio, I can't because I've got a date tonight.

Really? I've got a date, too.

Oh, I see. You both have dates.

Okay, so what's fine for dinner?

Look, Antonio, can I just explain this to you?

I haven't had a date in a really long time.

In a really, really long time. So, tonight,

please, I beg you, stay quietly in your room.

Even if you hear me scream, don't come out.

You have got such a cute place, Brian.

It's a lot cuter since you got here.

If you didn't have such a great smile, that would be really cornball.

You know, Rhonda, if everything goes well, we'll have a great story to tell

our grandkids. You know, when I first laid eyes on your grandmom, she was

trying to stuff a coffee cake into her purse without paying for it. Will you

stop? I just bent down to pick up my keys. I was going to pay for it.

I thought I heard the bell. Won't you come in?

Thank you, Casey.

Um, this is my roommate, Brian, and his date, Rhonda. Hey. Hi, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

I brought you a little housewarming gift.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Would you guys like to join us for a drink?

Uh, sure.

Okay. Brian, would you please do the honors? I gotta go finish getting ready.

I don't think you could look any prettier.

Oh, hold that thought. I'll be right back.

Uh, well, uh... I'll go crack this baby open.

Rhonda, why don't you tell Tom the story of how we met, huh?

It's really pretty funny.

I've never done this before, but I was about to steal this coffee cake, and I

was... Sorry.

I didn't think there was anyone still here.

Hi there. You must be Casey's other roommate. No, no, no, no. I don't exist.

I'm not here.

I just came to get the TV guide.

There's a good movie on tonight.

Shattered Fatal Broken Promises.

Oh, here it is.

Hey, I've got to get this one. Look, classic shows we all cherish.

Cherish?

Something wrong?

No.

No.

Are you sure?

Would you like to talk about it?

Can't.

Well, it's okay. You don't really have to talk about it. My girlfriend...

In fact, it just happened to me three months ago, right out of the blue.

You have to give yourself time.

Yeah, I'm still not over my old girlfriend. We went out for six years.

I try dating other women, but it's pointless.

Oh, what's the use? I'm not ready. I'm just not ready.

Okay, Tom, I'm ready.

I can't.

It's just too soon.

I'm sorry, Casey.

Wait, where are you going? What about our date?

What did you say to her?

Hey, here we go, everybody.

Antonio, what the hell are you doing out?

Don't talk to him that way. Can't you see he's hurting?

It's okay. I'm used to it.

You're supposed to stay in your room.

How did you move that bookcase?

him in his room?

Yeah, well, I've got just cause. He stinks up the joint, he whines all the

time, and he's a huge pain in the ass.

Come on, Rhonda, let's get out of here.

I'm not going anywhere with you, you insensitive creep.

Are you gonna be okay?

Call me in a day or two.

Wait, wait, Rhonda.

Rhonda, please.

Rhonda, Rhonda, wait!

What just happened here?

I'll tell you what happened. I said get a deadbolt. You said, he'll never be

able to get past that bookcase.

That's what happened.

Hey, hey, listen.

I'm sorry about your evening.

Yeah, right.

Okay. Come on, Casey, let's go.

No, listen, listen.

If you feel that I'm to blame for this, maybe I should be the one to go.

No, really.

Maybe I should just...

Pack up my things and move.

Seriously.

Maybe I should just clear out of here and look for someplace else to live.

Fine. You've said enough. I'm out of here.

He took off last night. We haven't heard from him since.

Last night, huh?

Do you know that there was some pounding on my door?

And some crying and some moaning. And I heard a voice begging, please, please

let me in.

I'm desperate.

I have nowhere to go.

I figured it was the wind. I went back to sleep.

Hi, Brian. Hi, Casey.

Antonio!

We are so sorry.

Oh, please. I should be thanking you.

Thanking us? After I left last night, I drove around for a while. I ended up at

an all-night diner. And who should I run into?

Elise. We talked for hours and we went back to her place.

Now, if you two hadn't been so mean to me and ticked me out, Elise and I never

would have gotten back together. So, thank you. Oh, listen. You don't have to

thank us. We only want what's best for you.

Oh, yeah.

Just one more thing.

Elise and I have decided to move in together, so you'll have to find another

roommate. Oh, and by the way, the microwave, keep it.

Cherish is the word I used to use.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye.

I give up.

We've been interviewing people for what?

For me?

Days? We are never going to find a roommate in time. Face it, this is

hopeless.

Break over, let the sideshow continue. Casey, who's next?

Is it Gogo, the dog-faced boy?

Hi. I'm here about the room.

Hi. Well, come on in.

I'm Casey.

This is Brian.

Matthew Evans.

Wow, this place is great. Thanks. Listen, just a few questions.

Are you currently employed? Can you give us references?

And do you have a steady girlfriend where you can spend all your time?

Okay. I have a steady job.

I can send you references. And right now I'm between girlfriends.

When can you move in?

As soon as possible. I'm staying at this awful motel down at the wharf that just

washed in.

Oh, no. That place is horrible.

Oh, please.

That's why I'm willing to pay whatever you want to get out of that place.

When can you move in?

Excuse me.

Sir.

Hi, Brian. I just came to pick up a few things.

Oh, sorry. I didn't know you had company. That's fine. That's fine.

Antonio, this is Matt Evans. He's here about renting the room.

Oh. Oh, well, it's a great room. I'm sure you'll love it. Excuse me.

So, Matt, how about a tour, huh? You know, I think I know that guy.

Yeah, he's staying at the just-washed-in.

Antonio? No, no, no. He lives with his girlfriend.

I'm sure of it. He's across the hall from me. Yeah, all night long, I hear

this wailing and weeping.

And all the cooking smells. My God.

Sometimes my eyes literally water.

Ryan, do you know what this means?

Antonio made that whole story up. He's not back with me. No, no, no, no, no. He

didn't make anything up.

He's living with Elise.

They're happy. They're solid. Those two kids are gonna make it. He's obviously

confusing him with someone else.

And this...

Stupid song you keep singing over and over again.

Cherish. Hey, Matt.

Why don't you take a look at the bedroom, huh? Yeah, right around there.

Oh, by the way, I've got season tickets to the Celtics, so anytime you guys want

to go, let me know.

Oh, I like him, Casey. I like him so much.

Yeah, well, so do I, but we can't let Antonio go back to the just-washed-in.

Well, I guess that's everything, so I've got to be going. See ya.

Antonio, look,

we were wondering if you could maybe move back and live here with us again?

What?

No, I'm sorry. Lisa and I are doing very well, thank you. Well, that's that then.

So long.

No, please.

Antonio, I mean, I know that we don't deserve it, but you'd be doing us a

huge favor. We just...

Can't find anyone suitable to live with that.

Would you guys mind if I paid you six months' rent in advance?

Matt.

Matt.

I really don't think this is going to work out after all.

But what? I thought that... Please.

Go.

Could I possibly change your mind if I paid you an extra hundred bucks a month?

See what you mean? There's a lot of losers out there.

Hey, hey, it's okay, bro.

Of course I'll stay.

Of course.

You know, I'll tell you the truth.

I think I can do better than Elise.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Women come and go, but friends

are the things we must always cherish.

Cherish is the word I used to describe.

Come on, Casey.

All the feelings that I have hiding here for you inside.

I don't know how many times I've wished that I was alone.

Hey, look.

There's a new Nantucket website.

Pull it up. Let's see what we got.

Look. Oh, look at that.

There are nude people.

My God, it's... Well,

them sure are some nice clean rain gutters.