Original subtitles

Hey, Ellen.

Did you finish that inventory?

It's supposed to meet the insurance adjuster now.

Yep, I'm done.

Here's what I left in the fire.

Everything.

Yep. And I bet the sums are up.

Helen, you've got to be more specific than everything.

You might want to take this just a little more seriously, my friend. Well,

Joe, how can I remember everything I owned?

Well, they say what you're supposed to do is take pictures of all your

possessions, save them with the receipts, write down the serial numbers,

and store them in a strong box able to withstand 1,500 degrees Fahrenheit.

Yeah, right, Joe, like any sane person would do that.

I know what you're thinking.

Oh, I don't think you do.

What if something happened to the box, Joe? Well, I will have you know that

I've uploaded all of that information onto the Internet, so if the world blows

up tomorrow, I can prove that I had a Flobie.

Now guess what I'm thinking.

Good morning, Antonio.

Would you like some coffee?

What's the point, say?

Well, I know it's not for everybody, but it certainly gives me a buzz.

No, no, no, I meant... I can't go on like this.

I have a dead-end job, no relationship.

My life is hopeless.

There's only one thing I can do.

Oh, no, don't do it, Antonio. There must be other options. I wish there were, but

I have no choice.

I'm going back to Edna.

Oh, no.

That's a big-faced girl.

How do you know she's not involved with someone else?

Hey.

Oh, yeah.

Well, are you sure you want to do this?

Want has nothing to do with it.

She is my fate.

But you know what?

Now that I have accepted my destiny, I feel oddly at peace.

I better go.

It's time to face the face.

Oh, Brian, got a minute?

A minute?

Well, that's pushing it, but I'm game. What? No, no, I didn't mean that.

What are we doing?

Well, right now, nothing. We've just wasted 15 seconds. There goes cuddling.

No, no, no, no.

What's going on between us?

Oh.

Sex.

I mean, is that all you would call it?

No. Frequent, loveless, self-destructive sex.

better than animals. We certainly are. Animals can't operate video equipment.

All right, what do you want to do then?

Well, maybe we should see if we've got more going for us than just sex. Oh,

jeez, you're going to ruin it now.

What do you think about maybe possibly going out sometime?

What? You mean like on a date?

Well, yeah.

Hey.

You have to take me out for a nice dinner.

And that means ordering from a waiter, not talking into the face of a clown.

Much like I'm doing now.

Okay, okay, Casey, you're right. I'm sorry. Um, Casey, if you're free

tonight, would you care to join me for dinner?

Yes, Brian, I would love to.

Okay, great.

How about 8 o'clock, huh?

Or better yet, I'll meet you 10 minutes early. We can tear one off before

dinner.

Oh, Joe, you're here. Good. The man from the insurance company is waiting in your

office. Oh, great. Thanks, babe.

All right, Helen, let's go over our strategy one more time. When he asked

about receipts, what do you say?

That I kept detailed records, but unfortunately they were destroyed in the

fire. Right. If that doesn't work... My kitty ran away and I burst into tears.

Good. Okay.

Let me see that lower lip quiver one more time.

The one here is going to be the difference between original cost and

replacement value. Trying to squeeze a little money out of your insurance

company, huh?

Well, I got a little shortcut you might be interested in.

Feast your eyes on these babies.

What are these?

Receipts. Some people collect stamps, some do needlepoint. I counterfeit my

own receipts.

This one is for a video camera.

Notice the craftsmanship.

The subtle aging around the edges.

I do my own distressing.

So, what do you want? I got walkmans, I got watchmans, I got discmans, I got

washers, I got dryers. You got big screens? I got big screens. I got

Mitsubishi, I got Toshiba. You got Sony? I need Sony. Sony I got!

I was just browsing.

Come on, let's get this thing over with. All right, now just stay cool, follow my

lead, and remember...

These guys are ruthless. They'll stiff you just as soon as they look at you.

Phil! Surprise!

Alan, look. Our old friend Phil is handling our insurance claim. Isn't that

great? Great. It's fantastic. Oh, boy. Phil, we are so lucky you showed up.

Well, hey, it is always great to see friends.

Okay. Let's get down to business.

Okay. Here's my inventory list.

Where are your receipts?

Hmm? Receipts.

Oh, well, actually, Helen just wrote down the estimated value of each item.

Okay, let's see what you got here.

$300 for a cameo pin.

Yeah, well, it's an antique that's been in my family for generations. Got a

receipt?

Well, my grandmother gave it to me on her deathbed.

No receipt.

$30. Moving on.

mention to you that um my kitty ran away and he was so

beautiful and i loved him so much and he had the cutest little smushed in face

got a receipt all right you want

what for a color television 100 bucks

I watched the Super Bowl on that TV. It was a great TV. Remember, you got so

excited, I had to Heimlich that cheese puff out of your windpipe? That saved

your life.

Too bad you didn't save your receipts.

Oh,

look what I found.

A receipt for my laser disc player. Oh, really? Boy, that's great. And I bet

there's plenty more where that came from.

The store isn't on this.

Where'd you buy it?

I got it at, um, Laserdiscs and stuff.

I never heard of that store. Where is it?

It's, uh, you know, filled down by the hardware store.

Knob and thing.

Ever heard of insurance fraud and stuff?

Look, this is just a preliminary estimate, but, uh... Based on the

minimum allowance for contents and our previous appraisal of your house, there

is no way we're going to be able to do better than this.

Hey, it has been great seeing you two again.

It really, really, really has.

I've got to run, but let's get together again real soon.

leave that guy should have left that cheese puff in his throat now wait

though before we look at this let's remember money is not important what's

important is that you and i are together yeah right right a little carried away

before whatever it is we'll we'll get through it together

evening last night. No, I want to thank you.

Hey, I tried, okay? At least I picked out an elegant French restaurant for us.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chez Pape de Wazoo.

Well, I'm sorry it wasn't as classy as your choice.

Toby's House of Wieners. Hey, you watch what you say about Toby.

He named a bratwurst after me.

Total waste of time. We have absolutely nothing in common. Less than nothing.

Yeah, and if we have nothing in common, we can't date.

Hmm. There's a tragedy.

And if we can't date, we certainly cannot sleep together anymore.

Hey, that's just crazy talk.

Mom, there's got to be something we have in common. Think, think, think.

Okay. Um, well, I know.

Romantic walks on moonlit beaches.

Forget it.

Last time I was on one, some guy stole my pants.

Okay, I get it, I get it, I get it.

Disneyland, huh?

Everybody loves Disneyland.

Not me.

Come on, what's not to like about Disneyland?

I recently had a recovered memory about Jiminy Cricket.

Hey, I have Tinkerbell issues.

But I don't let it ruin the whole park for me.

and said she had the most wonderfully romantic evening last night.

Goodness, what did you two do?

We heated up the leftovers and then she watched while I paid bills.

I've heard of low-maintenance girlfriends, but wow.

You should see how her big face lights up when she sees me.

It's like looking into the sun.

Well, I'm glad it's going so well.

Yeah, thank you.

Oh, well, it's starting to get dark.

Soon it will be time to pick up Edna.

See you there, Faye. Isn't it a great day?

One of those days when everything... He feels right with the world. Oh, yeah, I

heard. You scored a fat insurance check. Oh, maybe that's it.

So, I know the feeling. I got a beaut after each of my Georges died.

Although, of course, nothing could make up for the loss, but all those zeros

sure take the edge off.

Yes, yes, they do.

Oh, well, but, I mean, we're still going to try to be smart with this money.

After all, we have to rebuild the house.

Well, yeah, and by the way, where's Helen? I haven't seen her all day. She

went to Boston this morning. She's going to replace a few things she lost in the

fire. Oh, yes, she's on that initial high you get when you receive a hefty

settlement.

When I got my first one, I ran right out and bought a mink coat.

Of course, I had to hock it a week later when I found out George hadn't paid

taxes since 1963.

Hot enough for you down there, George?

hours. Shetland? Come on, I thought you were just going to get a few

necessities. Oh, I did.

What, a canoe?

A giant gumball machine? We don't even play the piano. You don't have to.

Listen.

I can't believe that you are throwing away our insurance money on all this

useless stuff. You know what your problem is?

You need to relax.

Sit down and just relax.

Come on, I'm serious. You're being so irresponsible.

Foot massage.

What is going on? You're totally out of control.

Come on, tell. Live a little. Spend a buck.

Spend a buck? Do you know what the money is for? We gotta build a house.

I'm sorry, but you are just gonna have to return almost all the stuff.

I ain't returning nothing.

Oh, like hell you're not.

Excuse me, are you telling me what to do?

Well, in your dreams, baby. Look, I am not gonna let you blow our entire

insurance check. Our check?

My house burned down. It's my money, and I can do whatever the hell I want to

with it. And if that means buying the Statue of Liberty and using it as a lawn

jockey, that's what I'm gonna do. Where are you going?

To Sharper Image. They're holding my portable steam room.

No, no.

I refuse to believe that we have nothing in common.

Okay.

Movies.

Casablanca. Everybody loves that movie.

Never seen it.

You've never seen Casablanca?

Black and white.

Nazis. It's a chick movie.

Casablanca was a great film.

Oh, I love it. I always cry at the end.

Chocolate. Vanilla. Adam's family. Munsters.

Parcheesi. Yahtzee. Coffee.

Tea.

Well, I love coffee. Do you know what I just discovered?

Frappuccino. I mean, those frozen coffee drinks. I live for those. There's a new

place on the island that makes them. We should go there sometime.

Oh, I'd love to.

I'll call you. Yeah, sure, whatever.

It's funny and makes me bloated.

Oh, forget it. I mean, we have absolutely nothing in common. You know

what? I'm sorry we ever brought up this whole dating thing. Hey, well, I told

you. Didn't I tell you? You were going to ruin everything.

Now we have nothing.

You're right. I agree with you. You happy?

Wait a second.

Did we just agree on something?

Oh, um, yeah, I think we did.

Have you seen Helen?

I don't think she's come in yet.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I've got a stiff neck. I slept in a canoe last night.

Why in the world would you sleep in a canoe?

The pony had the couch.

Look, never mind. See, I don't know who Helen is anymore. Ever since she got

that money, she has been going nuts.

She won't listen to me, and I can't talk to her. I don't know what to do.

This is just the first crisis in your marriage, and you just have to hang in

there and weather the storm.

She can't get her hands on the business, can she?

Well, have you seen Helen? Helen? Yeah, she took my 8 o'clock to New York. She

said she was going to Harrington's auction house.

An auction? Oh, my God, I've got to stop her. Hurry up before she wipes us out!

I begged him to sign a prenup.

Going twice?

Sold. And Elton John's silver lame platform shoes go to number 32.

Scam.

I wanted those. Oh, what are you complaining about? You got meatloaf

treadmill.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next item up is an American classic from that popular

TV program of the 60s, Hey, Hey, It's the Monkey Mobile.

It costs us $7,000.

$7,000?

No, Helen, don't bid on that. Joe, what are you doing here?

$8,000. Honey, I think you have a serious problem.

Yeah, I will if I lose the monkey mobile.

$9,000. I have $9,000 from that daydream believer.

Just go outside and talk about this in private. Later, Joe.

Helen, why would you want the monkey mobile?

Oh, because I lost the Partridge family bus.

And besides, I love the monkeys. I'm a huge fan of theirs.

$10,000.

If that jerk would stop bidding against me, the car would be mine. $11,000.

Honey, that jerk happens to be Peter Tork. Yeah, who's he?

I have $11,000. Do I hear $12,000?

$12,000.

$13,000. Look, I'm really sorry about my wife. I don't know what's gotten into

her.

I used to have a monkey's lunchbox.

Big deal. We got squat from those things.

$14,000. $15,000. God.

$16,000. Look, Casey, this car means a lot to me. What could it possibly mean

to you?

This car represents a very special time in my life.

I've wanted to own it for a long, long time. Now with a few smart business

deals and a pizza commercial, I have the extra cash to buy it.

Please, won't you let me have it? Oh, for God's sake, honey, let the man have

his monkey mobile.

I don't think so.

$20,000.

$24,000.

You know, this is ridiculous.

You don't need that stupid car.

Sir, please, I'm trying to conduct an auction. No, just hold on one minute.

Give me back the paddle. No, I'm not going to give this back to you and tell

you... Tell me why you're buying all this stuff.

Because... Because why, Hannah? Why?

Because... Because I need some stuff.

Why do you need stuff?

In your life? We have a life. That's Helen Hackett.

I lost Helen Chappell in the fire. My journal and my photo album and the

blanket that my mom brought me home from the hospital.

And that little charm I was going to give to our daughter someday.

All that stuff's gone, Joe. I don't have any of that left.

Ladies and gentlemen, fair warning.

We're at $24,000.

That's the last bid to Clarksville.

Honey, it means that much to you, then.

$24,000 going once.

Going twice.

Sold at number 28.

You okay?

Yeah.

I mean, I know you lost a lot, but you didn't lose everything.

Glad me.

Oh, no, I'm so sorry.

Richer for poor.

Hopefully we won't get any poor.

Ladies and gentlemen, our next item up for bid is Mick Jagger's leather jacket

from the Sticky Fingers Tour.

Hey,

thanks for letting me have the monkey mobile.

Sure. Enjoy it. I just hope you're as big a fan as I am.

Okay, now you see where I work. I'm just going to go to the bathroom, then we'll

get out of here.