Original subtitles

Good night, Helen. Oh, hold on, Brian.

No, I didn't mean to tell you all day that that shirt looks really good on

you. Oh, thank you.

You know, I've always thought that you were really handsome.

So sexy.

Helen, what are you doing?

Something I wanted to do for a long time.

Nurse Cochran.

He had two pints of blood, 15 milligrams of Demerol. Yes, Dr. Madden, and we have

to hurry because there were 49 others in the car with him.

Brian, I really want you.

Helen. What?

Something's not right here.

Maybe a little music will help?

Call me unreliable.

Throw in undefendable too.

Now do you want me?

What about Joe?

Forget Joe.

Should we wake him up?

Whatever he's doing, it looks like he's having a good time.

Milo, you look very nice today.

Oh, thanks, Faye. Yeah, yesterday.

After church, I went to the hardware store and Arlo the paint boy called me

sir. Yeah, right then it hit me.

That Arlo sniffs paint fumes?

Tell you who among us hasn't maybe lingered a little too long over a can of

Navajo white.

What I meant to say was, you know, suit commands respect.

What do you think, Roy? Mather, a group of cubs.

Scouts heave-hoed all over plane two.

Drag your butt out there and hose it down.

Need I say more?

Hey, what are you reading?

Well, it's a catalog of night classes.

I'm tired of being so angry about Stuart leaving me. I figure there's got to be

more to life than just sitting around being bitter about men.

Good for you.

What classes are you thinking about taking? Well, I have it narrowed down

here to lesbian studies or how to render a man helpless with your thumb.

We're both taught by the same instructor.

Hey, Roy, want to hear a good one?

Yeah, sure.

An honest, hard-working cab driver goes to a shyster accountant and ends up

owing the IRS 1,500 bucks. So the IRS now is threatening to throw the cabbie

in the prison.

That is a good one.

So I was wondering if you could lend me some money.

That's an even better one.

There's an old saying about lending money to friends. Yeah, I know. Neither

a borrower nor a lender be. Actually, I was thinking of no, no, not even if I

liked you, no.

Of all the times for this to happen, I finally saved up enough money to ask

Casey out for a fancy dinner. You take Casey out?

Scarpacci, you are kidding yourself. You haven't had the nerve to say two words

to her since she showed up here. Well, I do now. Oh, really? Let's see. Casey,

could you come here? What are you doing now?

You've got the guts to ask around all spring for the dinner.

What is it?

Antonio?

You thought it was funny last week when I did it to Faye.

So, uh, what were you smiling about, huh? Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I had the most incredible dream. Completely weird.

I was in the terminal, right? And Lowell was dressed as a surgeon and he was

operating on a clown. Oh, yeah.

And then Antonio and Roy were playing twin pianos while Casey sang.

What?

Wait, you'll get a huge kick out of this.

I was making it with Helen at the lunch party.

What?

Can you picture that? Me and Helen. Isn't that hysterical?

My Helen? You dreamt about my Helen?

Well... I wouldn't worry too much about it. Yesterday, I had a dream that I

couldn't play soccer because I had Tupperware instead of feet.

Did you see her naked?

All right, all right.

Let me explain the concept to you, okay?

Was a dream.

Didn't happen. No, no, no. It was more than a dream. Obviously, you have sexual

feelings towards Helen. How could you do this to me? Yeah, I'm really sorry I

brought the whole thing up. Listen, I was out late last night. I'd like to get

a little more sleep. No, no, you're not going to sleep. You stay away from

Helen.

Do you know where I can get a car and driver for the weekend?

Oh, you mean like a limousine? Oh, it doesn't have to be a limo.

Well, how about a former USO dancer and a Plymouth duster?

Excuse me, sir.

Couldn't help overhearing.

I own a luxurious cab. I know every inch of the island, and people say I'm perky.

You'd also have to run air and FedEx documents, pick clients up at the

airport. Say no more. If you need something faxed, I will fax it. If you

need lunch, I will make it. If you need a massage, well, I won't give you one.

Okay, maybe I will.

You are perky.

How much?

One full week at your beck and call, 24 hours a day.

Fifteen hundred bucks.

Fifteen hundred bucks? Hey, for that I'll take a bullet for you.

No, I won't.

Okay, maybe I will.

I don't know, it's a lot of money.

And I don't get shot at that often.

The best does not come cheap, but you know that. From the look of your suit,

well, whatever you're here for is worth big coin. So you can go first class and

hire me or some low-rent driver who FedExes your contracts to the wrong

coast and blows the whole gig.

I like a man who knows what he's worth. Gavin Rutledge.

Antonio Scarpacci. Let's rock and roll.

Do you know her?

Who? That woman there. She's gorgeous. What's her name?

Oh, no, no, no.

You don't want her.

Faye, on the other hand, is one hot ticket.

That's okay. I like what I see right here. Excuse me.

My name is Gavin Rutledge.

Hi.

When I first saw you, I... Well, I'm sure that you hear this all the time,

but I just wanted to tell you myself.

You are absolutely stunning.

Really? Well, hey, we tried. Okay.

I'm in town for a week putting together a real estate deal.

I'd love it if you'd have dinner with me.

Look, Gabby, save your breath. It's not going to happen.

You gave it your last shot. Let's go.

Are you sure there's nothing I could say that would change your mind?

Look, I just separated from my husband, and I'm not really into dating right

now. I understand.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

And for whatever it's worth, any man who would let you get away, Has to be the

world's biggest fool.

Thanks. See, I got you to smile. My work here is done.

Okay, come on, let's go.

Wait!

I'm sorry about the little attitude before.

I'm Casey.

It's nice to meet you, Casey.

I should probably quit while I'm ahead, but I was wondering if you might

reconsider my dinner invitation.

Well, I think I'd like that.

What?

Antonio, take these bags to the car. I'll be out in a minute.

My life is a complete disaster.

Hey, you want to turn your life around?

Get yourself a suit.

What are you doing?

What?

You're staring at Helen.

Oh, I was not.

Hey, I saw you. You were staring at her. I asked her to butter my bagel. Butter

your bagel. All right, you and me outside right now.

What's going on? I don't even want to tell you. You're going to be furious.

All right.

Brian had an erotic dream about you.

Really?

Really. What do you mean, really? He saw you naked.

Did I look fat to you? Oh, I don't believe this.

While we're on the subject of fantasies, I've had one that involves two people

here. Really? Who?

Well, actually, it was Joe and Brian.

No, you had a fancy about us?

Yes, it was totally wild.

After last night, tiger lady, you deserve it.

Oh, very funny. That's very funny.

I knew they were for Casey.

Good morning.

Oh, my God, look at those beautiful flowers.

Are they for me?

Yes. Oh.

Gavin remembered I said I love lilies.

Actually, I did.

And you're the sweetest guy.

Speak of the hunky devil.

Flowers after one date. Guy must really like you. Oh, I hope so.

Gavin is just like Stuart.

Except he's charming, he has a sense of humor, and I don't have to carry him

when the sand on the beach gets too hot.

That was Mr. Rutledge.

He said we'll pick you up tonight at eight.

Well, tell him that eight will be perfect. Did he say anything else?

Yeah, well, he said to tell you he has a bad case of the Casey's. What?

Oh, that's so cute.

I'm in hell.

I can't believe you actually had the nerve to get up and sing just the way

you are.

It was a karaoke bar, and besides, I was singing it to you.

Sorry,

a little something caught in my throat there.

I had a great time tonight.

You really are incredible.

What the... Had those breaks or what, huh?

Well, here we are at Casey's house. Good night, Casey.

See you soon. Don't be a stranger. Ciao.

You sure I can't talk you into going back to the hotel just for a glass of

wine?

Well, it is late, and tonight is just a little too soon for me.

I understand.

But we're still on for dinner tomorrow night.

Oh, absolutely.

Hey,

is that a horn or what?

Well, I guess I'll just walk Casey to the door. I can handle it.

Don't kiss you.

Don't kiss you.

Well,

I

guess it's back to the hotel.

Yes, sir.

Oh, jeez, I didn't know it had gotten this late.

I've got to make a call.

Well, I'm on the island.

This cab is my office, and anything said in the office is... Strictly

confidential, I understand.

Well, I guess your work never stops, huh?

Right.

Hi, honey, it's me.

How are the kids?

Yep.

What? Oh, well, let's just say that, uh...

You're not the only dreamer in the Hackett. Oh, will you let this go?

Sure, sure, sure, sure. But you might be interested to know that last night I had

the most exciting dream of my entire life.

Let me guess.

You got a brand new pair of Dockers?

No. I think more along the lines of your new girlfriend, Kirsten.

My Kirsten? No, not last night. She wasn't.

Oh, yeah, she came to the house to see you, but you weren't home.

She locked the door with a little smile.

She slowly took off her clothes.

And she proceeded to do things to me that still make me shiver.

Kirsten did. Yeah.

Not Helen.

Listen, you can dream all you want about Helen.

I got Kirsten. What do you think of that?

Oh, not very much.

Can I talk to you? No, no, not now. Come on, Alan. It was just a dream.

Brian, come on. I'm sorry. I've got to say this.

Lord.

Lord, listen.

I have this problem, and I was hoping you could give me some advice.

Sure. Here

we

go. Never mind.

Listen, your instincts brought you to me.

Unload your burden.

Okay, well, see, I've got this friend, see, and he owes a lot of money to

the IRS.

And right now, he's working for this rich man who happens to be dating a

woman that my friend likes very much. But the problem is, this rich man is

married. But if my friend tells the woman this, he's sure to be fired. Oh,

Antonio.

Do I look like a fool to you?

I think we both know who your friend is.

It's your cousin Giacomo, isn't it?

No. Your dad? No.

Roy? No.

Pete the idiot? No, no, listen.

I think what the problem is is that your friend has no self-respect.

What you need to do is tell him to get himself a suit.

Dinner was wonderful.

In fact, the last few days have been wonderful.

Me too.

I've waited a long time for someone like you to come into my life. Please.

Use your turn signal, you butthead.

I got you a little something. Here.

Oh,

Gavin, this is beautiful.

Weasel!

I'm on the road, little weasel.

I can't accept this. This is too much. Please, I really want you to have it.

I don't know what to say.

Say that you'll keep it.

Casey, the way I feel about you, I could really see us together.

I almost missed that. Turn the cases off.

That won't be necessary.

I think we'll be going on to the hotel.

What? The hotel.

Oh, look, a church.

Anybody feel like going to confession?

Yeah.

Yeah, I know. The hotel.

Okay. Here it is.

Thank you.

Well, I guess I'll just wait here to drive Casey home, then.

That won't be necessary.

Casey. What?

Nothing. Let's go.

Casey, don't go. What are you doing?

What's wrong?

He's married.

Married? He has a wife. He calls her honey.

Is that true?

Well, sort of.

But isn't the important thing how we feel about each other tonight?

No, you're married.

Does that really have to matter?

I guess it does.

Please take me home.

You are so fired.

Fine, just pay me what you owe me. Try to collect a dime from me.

Yeah, well, I'll see you in hell, because I'm going to kill myself.

I'm sorry.

Why do I have an act for finding all the jerks?

Why can't I find a nice guy?

Oh, they're out there.

If I may.

You know, for years, my uncle Paolo, he drove this beat-up old station

wagon.

And then...

One day, he came into a lot of money, never mind how, and he

bought a bright red Ferrari.

It was shiny and fast, but not very dependable.

Most days, he still had to drive that beat-up old wagon.

So one day, the Ferrari blew up, never mind how.

So, Paolo, he goes and buys a black Maserati, you know?

But once again, he could never count on it.

Ferraris, Maseratis, they sure are flashy.

But that banged-up old wagon is still with him after all these years.

I think I see what you mean.

You do?

Well, that's good, you know, because that...

I was thinking.

In fact, I was hoping.

You know, I learned something tonight.

I'm not ready to date him. I thought I was, but... I guess it's just too soon.

Yeah, right.

It's too soon.

Hey, I'm sorry you got fired.

No, big deal.

I'm sure the IRS will wait for the money I owe them.

I'm so screwed.

Here.

What are you doing?

Well, you need money, so why don't you take this? No, no, I couldn't. Please.

No, no, it's yours.

I'd really rather you have it.

Thank you. You know, if I didn't need the money so badly... I know.

If nothing else, he had good taste.

Yes.

He certainly did.

Wow.

I just had the weirdest dream.