Original subtitles

Last week on Wing. The Warth Playhouse is putting on a production of Phantom of

the Oprah. It's about a deranged ex-producer of the Oprah Winfrey show.

I wonder if they need a leading man. Maybe they're parts for all of us.

That string quartet gig, huh?

I know I kept saying that music was out of my system, but I was just kidding

myself. I miss it so much, Brian.

I think we should buy Helen a new cello.

Where are we going to get $15,000?

The real point is, how many chances do we have to change a person's life?

How could you guys do this to me?

Well, wire it up, pop a pleated shade on it, be a darn nice floor lamp.

Okay, let's rehearse the opening number.

Places, everyone.

And five, six, seven, eight.

Phantom, phantom, I don't believe in phantom. I never have, I never shall,

not I.

I believe in me, and that's the thing you see that gets me by.

the first time we did that number. I was a little skeptical, but now I'm sure.

We stink on ice.

Who's Helen?

In her kitchen.

Okay, everybody, remember, costume fittings tomorrow morning at 10 a.m.

Roy, wear underwear.

Helen, come out here. Go away.

Helen.

Look, I don't want to talk about this. Yeah, well, we're going to. What the

hell just happened?

I can't accept that cello.

I don't mean to seem ungrateful. It's just that the last thing I need is you

two taking pity on me. We didn't give any out of pity. We gave any out of

friendship. You don't understand.

It just sends a message to me that my life is so pathetic that you two need to

ride in on your white horses and save me. It was just supposed to be a

friendly gesture.

A gesture?

I saw that cello. That's a handcrafted Ramadi. It'll kill for almost $12,000.

You only went to one store, didn't you?

Helen, Helen, Helen.

You're taking this all wrong. Are you listening to me?

For 20 years, you were there for us. Okay, when Joe crashed the plane, you

were there for us.

I was on the plane. I had no choice.

Yeah, but afterwards, you did all those nice things to cheer us up. You made

those brownies. Not $12,000 worth of brownies.

Fifteen.

God, did you only go to one store?

It would make us happy to give you this.

Let us be there for you, just this once.

I could never pay you back.

I'll tell you what.

Go to that audition.

Get the job.

We'll call it even.

This is probably the most wonderful thing anybody's ever done for me.

I love you guys.

If you don't want to see me cry, just leave it at that.

You crying, Joe?

Only if you are. No way.

Very nice indeed.

We'll call you.

Don't wait by the phone.

Are you here to audition?

Yes, sir, I am.

Come, come, come, come.

Whoa, Babeler. I want her. Shut up, Johnny.

Allow me to introduce our quartet.

I, of course, am Carl Stengler.

Here, in black, she with the laughing eyes, Miss Lydia Detmeyer.

There, on violin, Mr. Johnny, no relation to the electronics giant,

Toshiba.

Now, tell us a little something about yourself.

Oh, okay. Well,

I'm originally from Texas.

Too much!

What is your musical background?

Oh, I see.

Being up here, I feel a little bit like I'm on a talk show.

Yeah, we're forced to share the theater with a pathetic little acting troupe.

putting on a production of Phantom of the Opera.

Have you ever heard of anything so stupid?

Yeah, actually, a few of my friends are in it.

Points off.

Continue. Oh, well, I played in the Sconset High School Chamber Orchestra,

and then I didn't do much for the next ten years, and

finally I was offered second chair in the Boston Philharmonic.

I mean it, Carl. I really, really want her. Shut up, Johnny!

You're very pretty. Do you consider yourself pretty?

Oh, well... Oh, just play, for God's sake. Play!

Stop! Stop this audition! This is a travesty!

dare you try to replace me.

Petro, we have been over this time and time again. You were once a valued

member of the quartet, but you are voted out.

Now, shoo, we have work to do. But I founded this group.

Yeah, and at our last performance, you wore a tuxedo shirt and bicycle pants.

We have work to do. Now get back down to the beach with your metal detector and

find yourself some change.

Bengler, I promise you, if I am not in this string quartet, There will be no

string quartet.

You know what, Mr. Spangler? Why don't I just play for you some other time? This

is your scheduled appointment.

The fact that I am so angry, my brain is about to explode out of my head and

across the room should be of no concern to you. Now, play.

I have some news that will cheer you right up.

The woman who was supposed to play Oprah Winfrey in the show slipped and sprained

her ankle, so now they're giving me her part.

I didn't get picked for the string quartet.

Well, isn't this awkward?

There she is. Oh, the newest member of the Nantucket string quartet. Oh, well.

Oh, come on, yeah.

Now, now, I had a vision last night. I just know they're going to call you up

and offer you that quartet gig.

Oh, well, you know, they did call.

And they told me I lost the job to someone else.

Oh, honey, I'm really sorry.

I know how much that's meant to you.

There's got to be other groups you can audition for.

Oh, right.

I didn't make it in the Nantucket String Quartet.

Where do you go from there?

Down to the docks with a tin cup and a monkey?

Just take the cello and get your money back.

Well, no, Helen, we can't do that. Absolutely not. We're not going to let

you give up this easily.

Well, no, I mean, we can't get our money back. The music store has an exchange

-only policy.

What?

You're telling me we have a $15,000 credit at a music store?

Great, now we can start that marching band we've always dreamed of.

Mr. Temple!

Mr. Spengler, what are you doing here?

I have come here...

to welcome you as the newest member of the Nantucket String Quartet.

When you are

finished, we practice tonight, seven

o'clock sharp.

Oh, Mr. Springer, I'm a little confused.

I thought you picked somebody else. We did, but that fell through.

The important thing is you not consider yourself our second choice.

Oh, no, I wouldn't. Good, because you're our third choice.

Lowell, Lowell, Lowell.

I know you're playing the part of a stagehand, but...

Why do you have to rehearse hammering?

Antonio, Antonio.

You might as well ask, why did that actor gain 60 pounds to play the role of

Jake LaMotta in Raging Paul?

De Niro?

Of course it was for the money.

Okay, kids, lots of work to do. Come on, let's get off our duff and make some

magic, shall we?

All right.

Now we're going to try and put it on its feet and then pull it all together.

I hate this man.

All right, lighting. Let me see the scary flickering.

Thank you, lighting.

Sound. And let me hear the phantom laugh.

Thank you, sound.

All right, special effects. This is where the hundred...

more special.

Let's move on, shall we?

All right, Lowell, our Phantom had a dental appointment this afternoon. How

would you like to play the part?

Would I?

Yeah, I mean, the role I have now, a chimp could play.

What do you want me to do? Swing in on a rope.

All right, okay, okay.

Now, Roy? Yeah. Roy? Yeah. Roy? Yeah.

All right, Roy, this is where you, as the producer, are counting us out of a

commercial.

you, Roy. Just something to remember.

Theater is not down here.

Theater is up here.

Let's try it again.

Okay.

We're back in five, four, three, two... Oh, yes. That's much better, isn't it?

Let's jump ahead, shall we, to phase line.

Bernardo, when did you first realize... Bernardo.

When did you first realize that you were only attracted to women who used to be

men? Well, I was in a restaurant. I saw this woman at another table.

She was beautiful, but there was something else.

I'll say there was.

Continue, thank you.

Let's hear from the studio audience.

Bernardo, did you ever think maybe that you're confused about your own sexual

identity?

Well, I suppose that that's possible.

Confused?

Why am I so confused?

Why can't I be like other men who have no yen for women who used to

be guys?

Why do I like gals who were previously my pals?

Why do I like them?

Tell me why.

And applause, applause, applause, and action, Phantom!

Hurtles have been going.

Oh, it keeps getting weirder and weirder.

And that bald guy isn't yelling at me in German.

That ghoulish Lydia keeps staring at me, asking me if I think of myself as

pretty.

Tell me if you're that unhappy, why don't you just quit?

Oh, God, I'd love to.

But I don't want to disappoint Joe and Brian. I mean, they went into major debt

to buy me that cello.

Oh, Helen, your friends are here. Oh,

this must be important.

You're taking a hell of a chance coming out in the daylight.

Something to tell you. Yes?

Do you want to tell her?

No, you tell her. I'm much too excited.

We are going on tour.

What? We traveled by van.

50 performances in 49 days.

It is like a bookmobile.

Only we bring classical music to those who aren't usually exposed to it. Or

want to be.

She has been like this all morning.

I can't stop.

and leave my lunch counter here.

I mean, these people need me.

Isn't that right?

No, not really.

Go enjoy yourself. Send us a postcard.

Listen to him, whoever he is.

I'm sorry I didn't introduce you.

Thank you.

Come, Popola. We must pack.

We leave right after the concert.

Nope,

that's it. I've had it. I'm quitting the string quartet.

I thought you said you couldn't. Because Joe and Brian gave you that cello. They

could give me a cello, a Steinway, a Stradivarius, and a diamond-studded

music stand. I'm not spending the next 50 days in a van with the Addams family.

I'm telling you, Joe, just one of those things where the minute I saw it, I just

knew I had to have it.

Oh, hey, that's beautiful. Helen's going to love it.

Helen.

Guys, there's something I have to tell you. tell you. And there's something

that we have to tell you.

Well, why don't you go first? Your news looks bigger.

Not much of a surprise now, but we got you this dress for your debut

performance. Oh, God, you didn't have to do that. Yes, we did. Helen, we're

enjoying this. We wanted to do it. I'm telling you, ever since we bought you

that cello, it's like we've become, I don't know, your sponsors.

Yeah, sort of like the way people must feel when they own a racehorse, you

know? You get the excitement of going out to the track, you bring your

friends, watch your horse run, you grab some of the glory for yourself. Right,

right, right. So just think of this dress as sort of a new saddle.

Helen. flattering as that is to be compared to a horse. Oh, no, come on,

come on. You know what we mean. Come on, we're just, we're proud of you. That's

all. Now, come on, put it on. Straight on. There you go. Straight on.

Put your hands through.

And here we go.

Okay. Oh, there it is. Wow, this is so strange, boy. I've never put a dress on

a woman before.

Listen, it's beautiful and everything as this is. There's something that I have

to tell you. All right.

Right after the concert tonight.

Yeah.

I'm going with the quartet on a 50-city tour.

All right! This is great! We did it! Oh, we are so proud of you! Oh, you must

feel fantastic. Oh, I do. I really do. I'm just... Well, um, thank you, and

this is such a beautiful dress.

And, uh, I'll see you after the concert tonight.

Bye, guys. Bye.

Oh.

Oh, it's gonna be something, seeing her up on that stage playing her music,

yeah?

You bringing your Walkman? Absolutely.

I

just

think tomorrow night we're going to be up on that very stage performing Phantom

of the Opera.

I just hope we get this good a crowd.

I just hope they stay a crowd and don't turn into an angry mob.

Friends, I have a terrible news.

I spoke to our director.

They have canceled Phantom of the Opera. Thank God. What happened?

He said we lost our backers. How could that be? They watched our rehearsals

yesterday. And right after, they said they refused to have the name of Leo's

sludge and septic associated with such garbage.

I'll never get a chance to play a part like that again.

I know how you must feel, Fay. There are so few good parts for black women these

days.

Wasn't the end of the piece.

If you don't back me up, it might have been.

What's going on?

That's exactly what happens in our play.

Who did this? Who's responsible?

That happens in our play, too. I think they're trying to rip us off.

What's going on?

What is the meaning of this?

It's Winston Catlow.

Who?

Catlow, have you gone out of your mind? I promised you this quartet would not

perform without me.

This is outrageous.

That's it. The performance is over.

Everybody, go home.

Giving orders again, I say. You are a tyrant. I am not a tyrant. I am

Austrian. Drop the curtain.

Well, that was nice. Shall we have a bite to eat on the way home?

ends another chapter in my brilliant career.

So what happened? What happened?

Well, the quartet officially disbanded.

Spangler's out in the parking lot mumbling something in German.

Little Johnny's grounded.

And last I saw, Liddy was rifting comfortably in my cello case.

You can't feel too bad about getting away from those people. I don't know how

you put up with them for so long.

I had to.

For you guys.

What?

Well, you know, all that stuff about how proud you were of me and buying me this

beautiful dress and telling me I was a whore.

What else was I going to do?

I think maybe we just got too involved.

No, really. This show has brought you nothing but trouble. No, it got me

playing again.

And I have you guys to thank for that.

You know, I feel bad, though.

You were so excited about hearing me play, and you didn't get to.

Well, yeah, sure we did. Yeah, you were great. Oh, no, no, no, that was nothing.

Why don't you take a seat, and I'll give you a private concert.

Well, that won't be necessary.

Oh, no, I'm good.

Think she could see us from over there?

It's pretty dark in here.

So he looks at her fingers. Great.