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1
00:00:06,828 --> 00:00:10,343
'When surface from a four-day crash,
2
00:00:10,388 --> 00:00:14,666
'bluebottle gobbed,
and hear the children calling...'
3
00:00:14,708 --> 00:00:16,539
(Children chanting)
4
00:00:16,588 --> 00:00:19,660
'..and rise to find
they've roped your guts,
5
00:00:19,708 --> 00:00:22,268
'so fall, you jessie.
6
00:00:24,028 --> 00:00:26,462
'They crown you King Cantaloupe
7
00:00:27,708 --> 00:00:30,700
'and gob you up a synapse bomb.
8
00:00:32,708 --> 00:00:37,145
'So now, you hooting bletherskate,
9
00:00:37,188 --> 00:00:39,907
'not clocking you've been prammed
10
00:00:39,948 --> 00:00:43,657
'to serenade the door of your ex-wife...
11
00:00:45,828 --> 00:00:48,262
'where pierced on glares of ice
12
00:00:49,428 --> 00:00:52,340
'you fold to weeping topple.
13
00:00:55,508 --> 00:00:58,659
'Then find you've wandered
back to school
14
00:00:58,708 --> 00:01:00,699
'and frit the squabs
15
00:01:00,748 --> 00:01:06,300
'and now here comes
a teacher with a copper.'
16
00:01:09,868 --> 00:01:12,507
Then welcome.
17
00:01:12,548 --> 00:01:14,459
Mmm.
18
00:01:14,508 --> 00:01:16,817
Ooh, fuss, fuss, fuss, fuss.
19
00:01:16,868 --> 00:01:18,187
Welcome.
20
00:01:18,228 --> 00:01:25,942
ln jaaaaaam.
21
00:01:43,828 --> 00:01:45,864
Right.
22
00:01:45,908 --> 00:01:48,866
How do l say your name again?
23
00:01:48,908 --> 00:01:53,106
- Martin.
- Martin.
24
00:01:54,228 --> 00:01:56,219
OK.
25
00:01:57,348 --> 00:01:59,657
Can l look at your tongue?
26
00:02:02,228 --> 00:02:03,547
(Woman) Yes.
27
00:02:05,468 --> 00:02:09,302
Do you get cold fingertips?
28
00:02:09,348 --> 00:02:11,464
Mm.
29
00:02:11,508 --> 00:02:15,421
Yes. Sometimes.
30
00:02:16,988 --> 00:02:19,741
l'll just take your pulse.
31
00:02:22,348 --> 00:02:25,067
(Gasps)
32
00:02:30,868 --> 00:02:33,143
Your...
33
00:02:33,188 --> 00:02:35,782
spleen is damp.
34
00:02:36,868 --> 00:02:38,301
Oh.
35
00:02:39,828 --> 00:02:43,901
Have you had acupuncture before?
36
00:02:43,948 --> 00:02:46,018
No.
37
00:02:46,068 --> 00:02:52,462
(Woman) 'lt's very important
for patients to relax fully
38
00:02:53,548 --> 00:02:56,665
'before l start the treatment.'
39
00:02:56,708 --> 00:02:59,859
Otherwise it can be a bit distressing.
40
00:03:01,628 --> 00:03:03,539
- (Grunts)
- OK, Martin,
41
00:03:03,588 --> 00:03:07,866
if you'd like to put your wrists
down by your side.
42
00:03:07,908 --> 00:03:12,379
- What...what are you doing?
- You might feel a little tap.
43
00:03:12,428 --> 00:03:15,261
Yeah, but, you... (Grunts, gasps)
44
00:03:15,308 --> 00:03:19,187
'The nails l use
45
00:03:19,228 --> 00:03:23,938
'are between nine and 14 inches long
46
00:03:25,068 --> 00:03:27,343
'and half an inch thick.'
47
00:03:28,748 --> 00:03:32,741
Can you move your head at all, Martin?
48
00:03:34,268 --> 00:03:36,259
Don't want to try.
49
00:03:36,308 --> 00:03:42,907
'The nails must go at least
two inches into the table
50
00:03:42,948 --> 00:03:47,544
'otherwise the patient will slide off.'
51
00:03:47,588 --> 00:03:50,546
(Grunting)
52
00:03:50,588 --> 00:03:53,705
You might feel
a little uncomfortable, Martin,
53
00:03:53,748 --> 00:03:59,664
because you're taking the weight
of your body on the nails.
54
00:03:59,708 --> 00:04:04,418
Now, pushing down on the wrist nails
55
00:04:04,468 --> 00:04:08,825
will take the weight
off your ribs and head.
56
00:04:10,308 --> 00:04:12,503
Now, l'm going to leave you
57
00:04:12,548 --> 00:04:16,257
and come back in about half an hour.
58
00:04:16,308 --> 00:04:18,264
(Whimpering)
59
00:04:22,788 --> 00:04:28,260
'l think the treatment is very successful.'
60
00:04:28,308 --> 00:04:30,458
(Groaning)
61
00:04:30,508 --> 00:04:33,500
'l've never had a patient come back.
62
00:04:36,388 --> 00:04:39,505
'You do have difficulty
63
00:04:39,548 --> 00:04:44,258
'getting some of them
to leave under their own steam.
64
00:04:46,868 --> 00:04:50,543
'We just have to put them out the back.'
65
00:04:50,588 --> 00:04:53,739
They've normally gone in the morning.
66
00:04:54,828 --> 00:04:56,819
Yeah.
67
00:05:10,108 --> 00:05:12,099
- (Knock at door)
- Come in.
68
00:05:13,828 --> 00:05:15,819
(Woman) Doctor?
69
00:05:17,068 --> 00:05:19,104
Hilary Chivers?
70
00:05:19,148 --> 00:05:23,027
No, l jumped the queue.
l needed to ask you about this.
71
00:05:29,108 --> 00:05:33,101
Did you really prescribe
my daughter half a kilo of heroin?
72
00:05:34,668 --> 00:05:36,659
Hm.
73
00:05:49,268 --> 00:05:51,498
l'm sorry, l can't see a thing.
74
00:05:55,508 --> 00:05:59,501
lt'll probably take me a day or two
to recover my eyesight,
75
00:05:59,548 --> 00:06:02,620
so could you pop back on Thursday?
76
00:06:03,308 --> 00:06:05,299
Well, can't you...?
77
00:06:05,348 --> 00:06:09,466
Thursday morning?
We can book you a proper appointment.
78
00:06:09,508 --> 00:06:11,783
- Right.
- Good.
79
00:06:20,988 --> 00:06:23,707
Sarah, l've just blinded myself.
80
00:06:23,748 --> 00:06:26,899
Could you cancel
the rest of my appointments?
81
00:06:27,988 --> 00:06:29,979
Thanks. Um...
82
00:06:30,028 --> 00:06:33,782
l'll probably need someone
to lead me out to my car.
83
00:06:35,628 --> 00:06:37,425
OK.
84
00:06:45,548 --> 00:06:48,540
l just don't think
we can stretch to 280,000.
85
00:06:49,628 --> 00:06:52,062
What was your maximum?
86
00:06:52,108 --> 00:06:54,099
(Man) 240.
87
00:06:55,428 --> 00:06:57,783
He is prepared to accept an offer.
88
00:06:58,948 --> 00:07:01,178
Of 240?
89
00:07:02,628 --> 00:07:05,301
Well, he'll take 250.
90
00:07:06,748 --> 00:07:10,946
But there would have
to be an arrangement.
91
00:07:12,388 --> 00:07:14,424
Arrangement?
92
00:07:14,468 --> 00:07:16,698
Yeah.
93
00:07:16,748 --> 00:07:19,308
What sort of arrangement?
94
00:07:21,188 --> 00:07:23,179
A...
95
00:07:23,228 --> 00:07:25,378
sex arrangement.
96
00:07:29,268 --> 00:07:32,658
He'd want sex in return
for dropping the price.
97
00:07:36,828 --> 00:07:40,707
12 times before
the exchange of contracts.
98
00:07:40,748 --> 00:07:42,739
Linus...
99
00:07:43,828 --> 00:07:45,898
- 12 times?
- No.
100
00:07:47,948 --> 00:07:51,338
- lt's our only chance.
- l can't have sex with him.
101
00:07:55,708 --> 00:07:59,747
- No, not really.
- lt's a fantastic house.
102
00:07:59,788 --> 00:08:03,383
- Wouldn't you mind me...?
- Of course l'd mind but...
103
00:08:03,428 --> 00:08:05,737
lt's the only way to get the house.
104
00:08:07,508 --> 00:08:09,260
(Sighs)
105
00:08:11,108 --> 00:08:13,747
Would he accept six times?
106
00:08:13,788 --> 00:08:15,665
Has she had any children?
107
00:08:16,708 --> 00:08:19,097
Have you had any children?
108
00:08:20,668 --> 00:08:22,784
One.
109
00:08:22,828 --> 00:08:25,183
Ask her if it caused any damage.
110
00:08:26,308 --> 00:08:28,697
Did it cause much damage?
111
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:32,979
Not really, no.
112
00:08:33,028 --> 00:08:35,064
That's good.
113
00:08:36,468 --> 00:08:40,222
He would accept seven penetrations
114
00:08:40,268 --> 00:08:44,102
four oral sessions and one of...
115
00:08:44,148 --> 00:08:47,424
- Bagpiping.
- Bagpiping.
116
00:08:47,468 --> 00:08:49,698
What's bagpiping?
117
00:08:49,748 --> 00:08:53,138
lt's where he puts himself
in your armpit.
118
00:08:54,188 --> 00:08:56,304
Quite a good mouth, yes.
119
00:08:56,348 --> 00:08:59,021
Hm?
120
00:09:00,188 --> 00:09:03,658
Mr Lulch could do the oral sessions.
121
00:09:03,708 --> 00:09:06,381
Me? l-l don't think...
122
00:09:06,428 --> 00:09:08,464
Then yes, we'll do it.
123
00:09:11,308 --> 00:09:15,062
l mean, are you sure
you'd be all right with eight?
124
00:09:15,108 --> 00:09:18,259
l mean, even if l'm sharing...
125
00:09:18,308 --> 00:09:19,707
Yeah.
126
00:09:19,748 --> 00:09:22,216
- l think we need more time...
- lt's fine.
127
00:09:22,268 --> 00:09:24,065
- No, we...
- lt's OK.
128
00:09:24,108 --> 00:09:26,099
Shall l give him a call?
129
00:09:32,508 --> 00:09:34,499
Mm.
130
00:09:36,988 --> 00:09:41,027
Hello, Mr Gardine?
Hester Twunt from Bovril's...
131
00:09:44,988 --> 00:09:46,660
(Grunting, gasping)
132
00:09:56,468 --> 00:09:58,698
(Muffled groans)
133
00:10:05,428 --> 00:10:11,617
Well, l must say, you have both
been very accommodating so far.
134
00:10:11,668 --> 00:10:18,141
(Exhales)
135
00:10:19,908 --> 00:10:23,662
ls there any chance
we can leave it at 1 1 sessions?
136
00:10:26,748 --> 00:10:29,581
(Tuts) And miss today's session?
137
00:10:29,628 --> 00:10:31,425
Mm.
138
00:10:32,708 --> 00:10:35,859
l was so looking forward
to today's session.
139
00:10:37,388 --> 00:10:42,781
And there is another factor
to do with the house.
140
00:10:42,828 --> 00:10:44,944
Oh?
141
00:10:44,988 --> 00:10:48,867
Um, it's just since the last session...
142
00:10:50,388 --> 00:10:54,904
l have actually had an offer of �300,000.
143
00:10:58,948 --> 00:11:01,746
You know we can't pay more than 250.
144
00:11:06,308 --> 00:11:10,699
Perhaps we'd better
extend the arrangement then.
145
00:11:13,468 --> 00:11:18,462
To...nine more sessions?
146
00:11:18,508 --> 00:11:20,499
(Linus) Nine?
147
00:11:22,268 --> 00:11:26,341
Or l could sell to the other party.
148
00:11:43,188 --> 00:11:45,577
Does the sex have to be with us?
149
00:11:47,388 --> 00:11:49,379
Can we get someone else in?
150
00:11:51,828 --> 00:11:54,626
- Louise.
- Louise?
151
00:11:56,268 --> 00:11:58,259
She's very attractive
152
00:11:58,308 --> 00:12:02,426
and she wouldn't mind
what you do so much.
153
00:12:05,908 --> 00:12:07,944
She's as attractive as you?
154
00:12:09,908 --> 00:12:11,421
Yes.
155
00:12:11,468 --> 00:12:14,665
- She's my sister.
- You could have 12 sessions.
156
00:12:14,708 --> 00:12:18,462
- We can't offer...!
- You want another nine with that?
157
00:12:22,988 --> 00:12:24,979
What's the catch?
158
00:12:25,028 --> 00:12:27,496
She's a bit uncomplicated.
159
00:12:29,188 --> 00:12:32,624
She would be happy
to go through with this?
160
00:12:32,668 --> 00:12:36,786
(Mrs Lulch) Well, it wouldn't...
lt might not matter.
161
00:12:36,828 --> 00:12:40,059
- Wouldn't it?
- Linus is her legal guardian.
162
00:12:41,308 --> 00:12:43,378
Oh.
163
00:12:45,068 --> 00:12:48,060
12 times with your sister.
164
00:12:49,228 --> 00:12:51,219
Who has a legal guardian.
165
00:12:52,788 --> 00:12:56,542
Would you knock another
�10,000 off for 25 sessions?
166
00:12:59,028 --> 00:13:01,019
25 sessions?
167
00:13:06,468 --> 00:13:08,459
Yeah, l suppose so.
168
00:13:19,708 --> 00:13:21,903
(Gasping excitedly)
169
00:13:37,628 --> 00:13:39,346
Hello, Louise.
170
00:13:39,388 --> 00:13:41,618
- (Linus) She's been fed.
- Oh.
171
00:13:43,028 --> 00:13:45,747
Glad to see she's got your mouth, Linus.
172
00:13:46,868 --> 00:13:49,701
- Say goodbye, Louise.
- Bye-bye.
173
00:13:49,748 --> 00:13:51,739
(Both) Bye.
174
00:13:53,708 --> 00:13:55,938
Oh, Louise...
175
00:13:55,988 --> 00:13:57,979
look what l've found.
176
00:14:20,668 --> 00:14:24,786
Well, the idea...was to get the guy
177
00:14:24,828 --> 00:14:27,945
to hand over the money in the till
178
00:14:27,988 --> 00:14:30,138
by threatening him with an axe.
179
00:14:33,028 --> 00:14:38,546
The only trouble was
the day l went in with the axe
180
00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:41,102
wasn't the same day
181
00:14:41,148 --> 00:14:44,185
as the day l made
the threatening gestures.
182
00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:50,662
So even though
l said l would chop him up,
183
00:14:52,108 --> 00:14:55,259
he found it pretty easy to ignore me.
184
00:15:04,588 --> 00:15:08,183
Must be about six months ago l...
185
00:15:08,228 --> 00:15:11,903
moved out of the house
and started living outside.
186
00:15:11,948 --> 00:15:15,987
'The idea came from a book
l was reading, l think.
187
00:15:16,028 --> 00:15:20,226
'Can't be, er,
quite sure about that but...'
188
00:15:20,268 --> 00:15:23,863
lf you think about it
we don't need central heating,
189
00:15:23,908 --> 00:15:28,379
big kitchens, rugs, huge beds.
190
00:15:28,428 --> 00:15:30,419
lt's all nonsense.
191
00:15:30,468 --> 00:15:33,141
We don't need them but they're jolly nice.
192
00:15:33,188 --> 00:15:35,179
They're useless really.
193
00:15:35,228 --> 00:15:38,061
'l can sleep anywhere l want now,
194
00:15:38,108 --> 00:15:41,737
'l can sleep under a hedge
or in the tractor shed.'
195
00:15:41,788 --> 00:15:45,667
(Woman) 'lt does worry me
when it's awfully cold.'
196
00:15:45,708 --> 00:15:50,702
Cattle. Bedding down with the cattle,
that keeps you warm.
197
00:15:50,748 --> 00:15:53,216
At least then you get a little bit of heat.
198
00:15:53,268 --> 00:15:56,943
l do worry when
l know Anthony's out in the open
199
00:15:56,988 --> 00:15:59,786
on a particularly bleak night.
200
00:15:59,828 --> 00:16:02,023
Rain, sleet...
201
00:16:03,668 --> 00:16:07,627
There's a lot of food
in the kitchen garden,
202
00:16:07,668 --> 00:16:09,943
some stuff round the bins.
203
00:16:11,388 --> 00:16:16,257
A blackbird flew into the greenhouse
the other day and l picked him off.
204
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,663
He didn't taste too great, l must say.
205
00:16:18,708 --> 00:16:22,781
- We're having lamb tonight.
- Sometimes l fight the cats for food.
206
00:16:22,828 --> 00:16:25,467
Richard's bringing Helen for supper.
207
00:16:25,508 --> 00:16:27,499
The dog's pretty loyal.
208
00:16:27,548 --> 00:16:31,860
We blocked off that draught.
lt's awfully snug now.
209
00:16:31,908 --> 00:16:34,547
(Anthony) 'l do occasionally find myself
210
00:16:34,588 --> 00:16:39,184
'staring in through the drawing-room
window rather wistfully
211
00:16:39,228 --> 00:16:42,664
'and looking at
the cosy scene there, the big fire.'
212
00:16:42,708 --> 00:16:44,699
(Woman) 'Yes.'
213
00:16:44,748 --> 00:16:47,660
(Anthony) 'And the family, all together.'
214
00:16:47,708 --> 00:16:51,144
(Woman) 'You cut a pretty
sorry sight out there.'
215
00:16:51,188 --> 00:16:55,181
l think all l'd have to do is
walk in through the front door
216
00:16:55,228 --> 00:16:59,460
and l could have a nice hot bath
and a big plate of eggs...
217
00:16:59,508 --> 00:17:01,624
- Some tea.
- Mm.
218
00:17:01,668 --> 00:17:04,341
Why don't you come in tonight, darling?
219
00:17:04,388 --> 00:17:08,301
Can't indulge that thought,
it's dangerously persuasive.
220
00:17:08,348 --> 00:17:10,339
Just for an hour or so.
221
00:17:10,388 --> 00:17:13,824
l think that's the main problem actually,
222
00:17:13,868 --> 00:17:16,223
living with that contradiction.
223
00:17:18,908 --> 00:17:20,899
'Er, the only comfort is that
224
00:17:20,948 --> 00:17:25,499
'l don't suppose l'll have
to live with it quite so long.'
225
00:17:25,548 --> 00:17:28,824
l imagine being picked off
by a sharp frost in the winter.
226
00:17:28,868 --> 00:17:30,859
That's probably true.
227
00:17:30,908 --> 00:17:35,379
But l suppose if l did go inside, l, er...
228
00:17:35,428 --> 00:17:38,864
wouldn't have to live with it at all really.
229
00:17:38,908 --> 00:17:41,581
l never lock up at night, you know.
230
00:17:41,628 --> 00:17:44,426
Just doesn't bear thinking about.
231
00:17:49,908 --> 00:17:52,297
(Anthony) 'And you should lock up.'
232
00:17:54,308 --> 00:17:56,299
(! Ambient soundtrack)
233
00:18:58,468 --> 00:19:02,507
Did you mention to Jill
how much Ted liked his Lego?
234
00:19:02,548 --> 00:19:05,540
He's made a great spaceship.
235
00:19:06,308 --> 00:19:08,299
Yeah.
236
00:19:09,188 --> 00:19:12,419
She was worried it might be
a bit old for him.
237
00:19:12,468 --> 00:19:16,347
(Man) Well, he is pretty bright
for a seven-year-old.
238
00:19:16,388 --> 00:19:17,787
Mm.
239
00:19:17,828 --> 00:19:22,265
lncidentally, did he come home
from school today?
240
00:19:25,708 --> 00:19:28,142
No.
241
00:19:28,188 --> 00:19:30,179
No, he didn't.
242
00:19:31,348 --> 00:19:36,183
Should've been home about
six hours ago, shouldn't he?
243
00:19:36,228 --> 00:19:38,219
Yeah.
244
00:19:39,348 --> 00:19:42,226
Do you think we should call someone?
245
00:19:42,268 --> 00:19:44,862
Nah.
246
00:19:44,908 --> 00:19:50,665
(Yawning) He probably decided
to stay overnight at the school.
247
00:19:57,548 --> 00:20:01,860
Hello? Hi, it's Sue Jails here.
248
00:20:04,748 --> 00:20:07,706
Just calling about Ted in primary three.
249
00:20:09,548 --> 00:20:14,747
Just wondered if he's been standing
outside the school for a couple of weeks.
250
00:20:16,708 --> 00:20:18,699
Oh, right.
251
00:20:19,708 --> 00:20:21,744
She saw a bloke pick him up.
252
00:20:22,828 --> 00:20:24,420
Yeah.
253
00:20:24,468 --> 00:20:26,936
Did the man have a car?
254
00:20:26,988 --> 00:20:28,467
Yeah.
255
00:20:28,508 --> 00:20:30,863
Good, it was horribly rainy.
256
00:20:38,588 --> 00:20:41,421
(Phone)
257
00:20:41,468 --> 00:20:43,265
Hello.
258
00:20:43,308 --> 00:20:45,458
Speaking.
259
00:20:47,748 --> 00:20:50,421
Oh, have you? Right.
260
00:20:50,468 --> 00:20:52,538
They've found a body, love.
261
00:20:52,588 --> 00:20:54,146
(Woman) Oh!
262
00:20:54,188 --> 00:20:56,497
Yah. Um...
263
00:20:59,268 --> 00:21:01,782
They want us to go over
and identify him.
264
00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:05,343
(Tuts) Can't they bring him round?
265
00:21:05,388 --> 00:21:11,304
Yeah, we're just sort of, um,
doing something at the moment.
266
00:21:12,268 --> 00:21:15,180
Um, how about bunging him in a cab?
267
00:21:15,228 --> 00:21:19,665
- Mm. All right.
- What about his glasses?
268
00:21:19,708 --> 00:21:24,304
Oh, yeah. ls he wearing
blue plastic-framed glasses?
269
00:21:25,628 --> 00:21:27,664
Make him look rather studious?
270
00:21:30,148 --> 00:21:33,185
Oh, well, l'm pretty sure that's him.
271
00:21:33,228 --> 00:21:35,788
That's good enough for us, yeah.
272
00:21:35,828 --> 00:21:40,106
OK. Thanks a lot. Cheers.
273
00:21:40,148 --> 00:21:42,139
So what's that, love?
274
00:21:42,188 --> 00:21:44,304
We've got to bury him ourselves.
275
00:21:45,308 --> 00:21:47,503
Did they say what had happened?
276
00:21:47,548 --> 00:21:50,620
Sounds like he was buggered
quite a lot and then strangled.
277
00:21:50,668 --> 00:21:52,659
That's a bit much.
278
00:21:52,708 --> 00:21:56,383
Apparently it was that bloody
Mike Holland that did it.
279
00:21:56,428 --> 00:21:58,658
l'll have a word with him when l see him.
280
00:21:58,708 --> 00:22:03,498
Yeah. You can tell him
l'm pretty pissed off as well.
281
00:22:03,548 --> 00:22:05,539
Mike Holland.
282
00:22:05,588 --> 00:22:09,945
Well, l've always thought
he was a bit of a twit.
283
00:22:09,988 --> 00:22:11,979
Mm.
19970
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