All language subtitles for jam2

(Echoing) 'When roped to concrete

'and noose your bauble

'for car-powered head divorce.'

(Slowed-down speech effect)

(Mouthing)

'Then find your scheme
all twunted by a Honda.

'And when all your taxi journeys
come to this.'

(Slow, distorted) Taxi?

Er, could l...? (Mouths)

ln the boot?

l prefer to travel in the boot.

- Really?
- Feels safer.

Well...all right, er...

'Then welcome.

'Mmmm.

'Ooh, astonishing sod ape, welcome...

'in jam.'

(All, distorted) Jam! Jam!

(Slowing down) Jam! Jam!

(Heavily distorted and very slow) Jam!

(Metallic shrieking) Jaaaaaam!

(Woman) You're really doing well,
that's wonderful.

How's the epidural? Better, isn't it?

- (Long, regular, deep breaths)
- Good girl.

- (Mother-to-be straining)
- She's doing very well.

- How long do you think now?
- Could be any time now.

Baby's head's nearly through.

That's it, keep going, good girl.

l'll, er, just be getting my birth kit ready.

(Mother-to-be panting hard)

That's it, that's it.

(Panting and straining continues)

(Mother-to-be) lt's coming!

(Straining) l think it's coming, Brian!

l think it's coming.

(Yells)

- (Baby crying)
- l think l've had the baby!

- (Vigorous grunting)
- Brian?

(Moaning and slapping flesh)

(Squealing and gasping)

- (Knocking)
- Come in.

- Morning, Doctor.
- Morning.

- Paul Coffee?
- Yeah.

Now, spread your glutes.

So...what seems to be the problem?

l've done all these muscles
under my arm

- lifting a crate awkwardly.
- Hm?

lt was all right till this morning
but l can't move this shoulder now.

- Right. lt's just around there, is it?
- Yeah.

l see. Well, l think
what l'm going to do is,

l'm going to do this
over the phone, all right?

Just wait here while l go next door.

l'll ring through
and you answer the phone, OK?

Um, all right, then.

Right, l'll speak to you in a moment.

- (Phone rings next door)
- Good, Paul.

Now, tell me again
exactly where the pain is.

- (Muffled voice through wall)
- Could you hang on a moment?

Look, er, could you keep
your voice down?

There's no point in me doing this
over the phone

if l can hear you
through the door, is there?

- Er, no.
- Just speak a little bit more quietly.

(Door closes)

Now, when did this start?

Look, l'm sorry, this isn't a very good
line. Could you ring me back?

Yep, it's 302. Thanks.

(Rings)

Hello, Barn Green Health Centre.

Sorry, who is this?

Paul Coffee?

Well, l can't see you now,
l'm with a patient.

Look, is this an emergency?

Well, come in on
Thursday morning, then.

Er, hello?

- Doctor?
- Hang on, l'm on the phone.

- l just wondered if...
- Could you wait through there?

l'm sorry about that. Now...

Hello?

Ah, there you are.

Erm, ten o'clock on Thursday, all right?

OK, l'll see you then.

And go through reception next time,
l'm not the secretary.

All right, bye.

Right, so...

what's the story?

- l've gotta come back Thursday.
- l'll see you then.

Right...

- Doctor, is there no way...
- Ten o'clock?

(Paul) Right. (Sighs)

- But...
- Yes?

- Nothing.
- All right.

- Good morning, sir.
- Morning.

- Morning, Mr Ventham.
- Morning.

Please take a seat,
he'll be with you shortly.

Right. Thank you.

Mr Ventham's waiting for you.

Thanks.

(Mumbling) Erm...

Quite, erm...

- That's quite a nice, erm...
- Sorry?

l said tha-that's...erm, that's...
on the-the balcony, there, it-it's, erm...

Sorry, l can't hear you.

l was, l was...

Erm, l was just saying,

there's, erm, quite a pretty dove
on the balcony there.

lt's gone now.

Yes, l can't see anything there now.

No-No, it's, er, gone now...

Which is, er, quite a pity, because, erm...

(Woman) Hmm.
(Ventham) Oh, dear.

Shall l... Shall l sit down again?

Yes, he'll be with you shortly.

Yes, it's, erm...a great shame...

- a shame to have missed it...
- (Phone)

- Hmm.
- (Woman) OK, thanks.

He's ready for you now, Mr Ventham.

Right, thank you. That's, er...

- Ah, Mr Ventham.
- Morning.

Good morning, sir.

- How could l help you?
- lt's about this Saturday evening.

- Yes?
- l'm not quite sure what to do.

Right.

Well, a pleasant option might be
to call up a couple of friends,

meet up in a nice pub
and maybe go and see a play.

- All right, sir?
- (Meekly) Yes, thanks.

- Not at all. Anything else, sir?
- No, thanks.

- Shall l put that on account?
- Yes, please.

Of course, sir.

Help yourself to a finger bell
if you like, sir.

Oh, thanks.

Always handy to dispel a nasty silence.

- (Tinkling)
- Yes, indeed.

- Right, well, thanks very much.
- Not at all, sir, goodbye.

Goodbye.

- (Woman) Bye, Mr Ventham.
- Yes, erm...

Did you, by any chance,
see the dove again?

- No.
- Oh, right. Pity. lt's, erm...

- Goodbye.
- Goodbye.

- Goodbye, sir.
- Goodbye.

- Lovely bell, sir.
- Thank you very much.

- Good choice for the ladies.
- Mmm, it's er...

(Slowed-down, distorted howls of pain)

As an actress l've seen the gush
up close and it's not pretty.

Guy gets locked into an ejaculation
and doesn't stop until he's dead.

(Dutch accent) For me right now
l think the biggest problem -

my biggest fear - is the gush.

First person who ever got
the gush was Dean Dorsey,

and l've seen the clip

and...he's doing the snot shot.

And, er, suddenly there's just like
a look of panic on his face.

- Oh, God!
- (Woman screaming)

He's staring down at his prick
and he's whimpering,

''Oh, my God'',
like a sad-voiced freaky clown.

With the tears in his voice,
but they are not there. lt is tragic.

(Actress) Oh, they tried
throwing ice on his balls,

they tried to destimulate him
with a dog carcass but...

the guy just kept popping the protein.

(Dutch man) 'The next guy
was Mickey Vunglenger,

'who got the gush
filming Room Nation 7.'

lt took him three days to die,

all the while he was frying the fuck juice

and when they weighed his body
it was maybe 20 kilos,

which is no more than
two or three squirrels.

(Actress) 'A guy with the gush
is in big demand

'for cream scenes all over town.
There are agents for it.'

Trying to cram in
as many jobs as possible

before the spunk turns red.

lt comes out red and then goes black,
and you better make sure

you're not piling the pearls
into St Peter's dress!

Because, er,
in the reality perception it is tragic.

There is no way of laughing
at this with your own cock.

This is why l will only do softcock now,

which is where you push it in
with the thumb

or a little spatula called a winklepoker,
and it is flaccid.

- Big soft dick.
- Oh, soft cock, oh...

And a soft cock is no fun,

it is like trying to tighten up
a screw with a maggot.

And when you have to
stay soft as a mouse

in a big sexy twat...it is tricky.

'But, in the end, it is better
than clutching your nuts -

'everybody pulling out guns
for a mercy clipping -

'and all your intestines
is mushed out through your balls.'

(Gasping and screaming, echoing)

Hello, Martina.

How are you?

All right? l'm not.

(Sobbing)

l've got you one last present,
Martina - there it is -

so you can watch yourself getting it...

over and over again.

Keep watching, just keep watching.

l'm coming, Martina, l'm coming.

Here l come - keep watching, Martina.

- (Shouts) Martina! Martina!
- (Metal clanging)

- (Motor starts)
- Bob?

- l'm coming back, Martina!
- Bob!

- (Yelping, squelching)
- (Screaming)

(Bob laughing madly,
groaning ecstatically)

(Robotic voice) Yesterday,

we saw Richard Madeley

beating up a cleaner

and later being apprehended

for fucking a coffee machine.

(Knocking)

- Hello?
- (Man) Ah, Mrs Cahill?

Robin Lomax. l've come about the boiler.

(Mrs Cahill) Ah, yes, come in.

- Thank you very much.
- He's just upstairs.

- Sorry, ''he'' is upstairs?
- lt shouldn't take long.

He's only three weeks old,
it's not at all much, is it?

Er, what do you mean ''he''?

My son Matthew, his room's
just at the top of the stairs.

- l've come about the boiler.
- Did l say boiler?

- Yeah.
- Oh, l'm sorry, l meant baby.

Baby?

Yes, please.
The doctor won't do anything,

says he's dead or something
but l know he can be mended.

lt's just tubes, really,
and l'm sure you'd have a go.

Mrs Cahill, l can't fix a baby,
l'm just a plumber...

Yes! And so you're good at mending.

You fixed the taps, you must be able
to do something for him.

- Yeah, l fixed the taps...
- They've never dripped since.

l'm sure you can -
what's more important, a baby or a tap?

- That's not really the point.
- He's so young,

only three weeks,
they're meant to last longer,

my sister's had one for years.

He only stopped four days ago,
my husband will be so pleased,

he says he'll leave
if l keep on about the tubes.

l'm sure there's something you can do
for �1 ,000 an hour.

- For what?
- �1 ,000 an hour.

Couldn't you try for three hours
at �1 ,000 an hour?

- Well...
- Two or three hours?

- At �1 ,000 an hour?
- Yes.

Well, l-l could have a look...

Yes, just pop up and fix him,
l'm sure you can.

- l'll get my tools.
- Thank you so much.

- l'm not promising...
- No, but you'll do your best.

- Well, l...
- God bless you, Mr Robin Lomax!

- Mrs Cahill.
- Oh, is he better?

You'd better come and...

Matty! lt's Mum.

(Lomax) He's not quite...
He's changed a bit.

- Hello, darling! Mummy's here.
- (Steam rushing)

He's nice and warm.

l've channelled the heating through him.

Th-There's a tap on the side there.
See? Just there...

Tap? l've never seen
a tap as smart as that!

- Attached to the header tank.
- (Mrs Cahill cooing)

lt should make the, er, plughole
in his mouth gurgle when you turn it on.

(Mrs Cahill) Oh, yes!

- l'll just, er...
- Going to gurgle?

- (Gurgling)
- Oh, a gurgle!

l think, er, l think l'll get off now,
Mrs Cahill.

- Oh...thank you.
- Thank you.

- Thank you so much.
- Thanks, bye.

(Cheerily) Bye!

Come on, Matty... Ooh, you're hot!

Yes, you are! Because of your pipes,
because of those smart pipes.

l think Dad will like the pipes,
l think he'll like them a lot.

l don't think he'll go
when he sees your pipes, will he?

(Gunman) 20 Benson & Hedges!

- Careful!
- (Cash register beeps)

Do you want the change?

Of course l want the change,
what do you think the gun's for?

For the cigarettes.

Hm?

You didn't have to pay for the cigarettes.

Well, give me my money back, then.

How much was the change?

Er, you don't need
to give me the change.

The gun?

- (Sniffs)
- What's the matter?

l can't feel my cock.

(Man) l'm 46 years old,

l've, erm, had a very successful career.

l've got a wonderful marriage,
two delightful children,

and, erm...

l've decided that, since life is so good

and it can't possibly get any better,

to have my funeral service
and burial now,

while l'm in my prime.

'Erm, it's much better than
the usual way of doing things.

'l hope to have a very joyful,
happy service.

'Some of my friends will get up
and deliver a humorous eulogy

'which l'll be there to enjoy.

'l'll be playing some
of my favourite songs...'

(Along to tape) ! Baby, the sweetest

! Lovin' you !

'When the time comes,
l shall be lowered down into my grave

'and l'll have a microphone
and loudspeakers rigged up,

'so that l can reassure
my wife and children,

'who may be feeling somewhat anxious,

'and l'll be able to sing to them
from underground.'

! Abide with me... !

'And slowly l shall drift off
into unconsciousness

'and pass over in my prime.'

(Weakly) ! ..when other helpers fail
and comforts flee

! Help of the helpless, Lord

(Out of breath) ! Abide with me... !

(Panting and gasping)

(Gasping continues)