All language subtitles for Mollys.Theory.of.Relativity.2013

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Subtitles by explosiveskull
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[rock music]

[cheers and applause]

d d

OH, KEEP IT GOING.
KEEP IT GOING.

KEEP IT GOING.

[cheers and applause]

KEEP IT GOING.
KEEP IT... KEEP IT GOING.

SERIOUSLY, KEEP IT GOING.
KEEP IT GOING.

YOU'RE NOT KEEPING IT GOING.
KEEP IT GOING!

KEEP IT GOING.

EVERYONE ELSE
IS KEEPING IT GOING.

YOU KEEP IT GOING TOO.

KEEP IT GOING OR
YOU'LL ALL FUCKING DIE.

I SWEAR TO GOD,
YOU'LL ALL DIE

IF YOU DON'T KEEP IT...
KEEP IT GOING!

KEEP IT GOING!
KEEP IT GOING!

OR, I SWEAR TO GOD,
WE'LL ALL... KEEP IT GOING!

WE'LL ALL FUCKING DIE.
I SWEAR... KEEP IT GOING!

KEEP IT GOING!

[sobbing]
KEEP IT GOING!

KEEP IT GOING!

THAT'S A MOVIE IDEA
I'M WORKING ON.

UH, IT'S CALLED
KEEP IT GOING.

IT'S ABOUT A NIGHTCLUB MC
WHO HAS TO, UH...

HE HAS TO KEEP IT GOING,
OR A BOMB'S GONNA GO OFF.

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE HUGE.
I THINK IT'LL BE HUGE.

WHAT ELSE CAN I TELL YOU?

I'M NOT GAY.
THERE YOU GO, I'M NOT GAY.

I'M JUST PUTTING IT OUT THERE,
I'M NOT GAY.

UH, SORRY, LADIES,
I'M NOT GAY.

AND I KNOW A LOT OF PEOPLE
THINK I'M GAY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THING ALL OF
THE KIDS IN THE HALL ARE GAY,

AND I GET THAT,
'CAUSE, YOU KNOW,

WE DID A LOT OF GAY STUFF.

WELL, WE DID A LOT
OF GAY MATERIAL IS WHAT WE DID.

WE DID...

ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR,
ONE OF US DID DO

A LOT OF GAY STUFF.
I THINK...

I'M PRETTY SURE SCOTT
COMPLETED HIS CHECKLIST.

HE CAN RETIRE
OR BECOME STRAIGHT.

THOSE ARE HIS OPTIONS NOW.

BUT I'M NOT GAY.

AND THAT'S GOOD,
'CAUSE, UH,

'CAUSE BEING GAY IS WRONG.

BECAUSE GOD...
GOD HATES GAYS.

UH, ANYONE HERE GAY?

[scattered applause]
OH!

GOD HATES YOU.

SORRY, I HOPE I'M NOT
THE FIRST ONE TO TELL YOU.

I'M SORRY.
THAT'S KIND...

THAT'S KIND OF A BIG DEAL,
GOD HATING YOU AND ALL.

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE, LIKE,
TAKEN YOU ASIDE

AND TOLD YOU PRIVATELY.

JUST LANDING IT RIGHT
ON YOUR LAP IN FRONT OF PEOPLE,

THAT'S RUDE.

PROBABLY PLANNED, "OH, I'M GOING
TO GO OUT AND SEE DAVE FOLEY.

IT'LL BE FUN.
WHAT? GOD HATES ME?"

BUT HE DOES.
GOD HATES YOU, AND IT'S SAD.

MAKES ME FEEL BADLY FOR GOD,

BECAUSE GOD'S BEEN CREATING THE
UNIVERSE FOR A LONG TIME NOW,

AND HE HATES THE GAYS,

BUT HE CAN'T SEEM
TO STOP MAKING 'EM.

THAT'S GOT TO BE
FRUSTRATING FOR GOD.

HE'S UP THERE IN HEAVEN
MAKING SOULS,

AND ONE OUT OF TEN
KEEPS COMING OUT GAY.

UP THERE IN HIS WORKSHOP,
JUST, OH, MAKING SOULS.

HERE WE GO. SEVEN, EIGHT,
NINE... AW, FUCK, IT'S GAY.

OH, WELL, JUST KEEP FOCUSED.

SEVEN, EIGHT... OH, FUCK,
ANOTHER GAY ONE.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

BUT IT'S... I MEAN,
IT'S NOT LIKE HE, LIKE,

TAKES RESPONSIBILITY
FOR IT.

IT'S NOT LIKE HE, YOU KNOW,
GOES... COMES OUT AND SAYS,

"HEY. GOD. I'M HERE,
AND I'M SORRY.

"I KEEP MAKING ALL THESE GAY
SOULS, AND I DON'T MEAN...

"'CAUSE YOU KNOW
I HATE THE FAGS.

"YOU'VE READ
THE PLACARDS, UH,

"THAT MY CHOSEN
SPOKESPEOPLE CARRY

"TO MILITARY FUNERALS
FOR SOME REASON.

"YOU KNOW I HATE THEM,
BUT I CAN'T SEEM...

"WE HAVE SOME... IT'S
A PROBLEM IN PRODUCTION.

WE'RE WORKING ON IT,
BUT RIGHT NOW I CAN'T HELP IT."

INSTEAD HE COPS OUT
AND MAKES EXCUSES

THE WAY HE ALWAYS DOES
WHEN HE FUCKS UP.

HE ALWAYS THROWS IT BACK ON THE
SAME BULLSHIT ANSWER, YOU KNOW.

"IT'S FREE WILL."

IT'S LIKE,
"GOD, WHY IS THERE EVIL?"

"IT'S FREE WILL.
MY HANDS ARE CLEAN."

IT'S FREE WILL.

WE NEED EVIL TO APPRECIATE
THE GOOD, WHICH IS BULLSHIT.

I THINK I WOULD
TOTALLY APPRECIATE A WORLD

WHERE NOTHING SHITTY
EVER HAPPENED.

I'D BE FINE WITH THAT.

I WOULD BE SO FINE.

I DON'T THINK I'D EVER GET BORED
AND START GOING, "OH, I WISH

"I COULD EXPERIENCE PAIN
AND SUFFERING.

"I MEAN, 'CAUSE I REALLY ENJOY
EATING MY PIE RIGHT NOW,

"BUT, YOU KNOW, IMAGINE HOW MUCH
MORE I WOULD APPRECIATE MY PIE

"IF PEOPLE GOT AIDS.

"I MEAN, IF YOU JUST COMPARE
HAVING AIDS TO EATING PIE,

"THEN YOU REALIZE
HOW GOOD IT IS TO EAT PIE.

IT'S WORTH THE SACRIFICE."

BUT GOD SAYS IT'S NOT
HIS PROBLEM, IT'S CHOICE.

IT'S FREE WILL.

THAT'S WHY IT'S NOT A CIVIL
RIGHTS ISSUE, GAY RIGHTS.

IT'S NOT A CIVIL RIGHTS ISSUE,
'CAUSE IT'S A CHOICE.

PEOPLE ARE
CHOOSING TO BE GAY.

WHICH SEEMS STRANGE, 'CAUSE IF
YOU'RE CHOOSING TO BE GAY,

THEN IT MUST BE A CHOICE
TO BE STRAIGHT.

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HAVE
AT LEAST TWO CHOICES

FOR A CHOICE TO EXIST.

THAT'S HOW CHOOSING WORKS,
YOU KNOW?

SO, IF GAY IS A CHOICE,

THEN STRAIGHT MUST LOGICALLY
ALSO BE A CHOICE,

AND AS A STRAIGHT MAN,
I DON'T FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT IT.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE
I'M CHOOSING TO BE STRAIGHT.

I DON'T FIND MYSELF AT THE END
OF THE DAY GOING, "HEY, DAVE,

"WHAT A LOT OF GREAT CHOICES
YOU MADE TODAY.

"WAY TO NOT SUCK A COCK
ALL DAY.

"AWESOME CHOOSING, DAVE.

"WHEN YOU GOT HOME
AND WATCHED TV,

"WAY TO NOT DO IT IN THE ARMS
OF A LOVING MAN.

WELL DONE, DAVE.
I'M PROUD OF YOU."

YOU KNOW, SO I DON'T FEEL
THAT WAY ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

SO I'M THINKING, LIKE,
IF YOU ARE A STRAIGHT MAN,

AND YOU DO FEEL LIKE THAT
YOU'RE CHOOSING TO BE STRAIGHT

ALL THE TIME,

GUESS WHAT? YOU'RE GAY,
JUST GAY.

AH. BUT AS I SAID,
I'M... I'M NOT GAY.

MM-MMM. I'M NOT.

A LOT OF TIMES,
I WISH I WAS GAY,

UH, OR STRAIGHTER,

UM, OR STILL EXCITED
ABOUT FUCKING.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT I WISH.

I WISH FUCKING STILL EXCITED ME
THE WAY IT USED TO, YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE I'M AT A POINT IN MY LIFE
NOW WHERE WHEN I'M FUCKING,

I'M JUST HOPING ONE OF US COMES
BEFORE I GET WINDED.

THAT'S...

THAT'S THE HEIGHT OF MY AMBITION
RIGHT NOW.

TO ME, FUCKING IS LIKE BEING
AT BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN CONCERT,

WHERE I GO,
"OH, THIS IS AWESOME.

"I CAN'T WAIT TILL IT'S OVER
AND WE'RE TALKING ABOUT

WHAT A GOOD TIME WE HAD."

[cheers and applause]

YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE LIKE, WHEN YOU'RE YOUNG,
YOU'LL, LIKE, TRY

ALL KINDS OF DIFFERENT
POSITIONS, 'CAUSE IT'S HOT.

I MEAN, "YEAH, LET'S FUCK
UPSIDE DOWN IN THE FRIDGE."

BUT IF I'M TRYING
DIFFERENT POSITIONS NOW,

IT'S JUST 'CAUSE
I'M SEARCHING FOR ONE

WHERE I DON'T HAVE TO CARRY
ALL MY WEIGHT

ON MY ARMS,

OR I'M NOT GONNA
THROW MY BACK OUT,

'CAUSE IF THAT HAPPENS,
I'M NOT COMING.

OH, YOU KNOW, ANY DISCOMFORT,
I WON'T BE COMING.

I'LL KEEP FUCKING,
'CAUSE YOU GOT TO PLAY HURT.

THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED
FROM HOCKEY.

YOU GOT TO PLAY HURT IF YOU WANT
TO MAKE THE BIG LEAGUES,

AND I DO, BUT ANY DISCOMFORT,
AND I WILL NOT BE COMING...

OR DISTRACTION.

IF THE TV IS ON,
I WILL NOT COME.

AND THIS PROBLEM
IS EXACERBATED FOR ME

BECAUSE, UH, BECAUSE I TAKE
ANTI-DEPRESSANTS,

UH, BECAUSE LIFE IS GOOD.

ANYONE HERE ON ANTI-DEPRESSANTS?
ANYONE?

male audience member:
[cheers]

ALL RIGHT, I THINK ME
AND WHOEVER IT WAS

THAT RESPONDED LIKE THIS,

WE NEED TO GET ON
YOUR PRESCRIPTION.

BUT IT'S TRUE, IF YOU TAKE
ANTI-DEPRESSANTS,

SOME ANTI-DEPRESSANTS...
YOU MAY BE AWARE OF THIS...

CAN INTERFERE WITH ORGASM.

AND BY INTERFERE,
THEY MEAN

YOU'RE NOT FUCKING GOING
TO HAVE ONE.

YOU'LL GET HARD,
BUT YOU WON'T COME,

WHICH WAS ESPECIALLY TRUE WHEN
I FIRST STARTED TAKING THEM,

BUT THEN I THOUGHT
THIS IS AWESOME!

I CAN FUCK FOREVER NOW.
I CAN FUCK FOREVER.

I'M A FUCKING MACHINE.

I CAN JUST FUCK AND FUCK
AND FUCK.

FUCK AND FUCK AND FUCK
AND FUCK.

FUCK, AND I'M LIKE STING,

BUT WITHOUT ANY OF
THAT DISCIPLINE...

OR SHITTY WORLD MUSIC.

BUT AT A CERTAIN POINT, YOU
REALIZE IT'S NOT THAT AWESOME.

WHEN YOU LOOK DOWN AT THE WOMAN
THAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY FUCKING,

AND REALIZE
THAT SHE'S JUST BORED.

SHE'S FUCKING B...

SHE'S PLAYING
WORDS WITH FRIENDS...

WHO ARE ACTUALLY IN THE ROOM.

SHE'S INVITED PEOPLE OVER.
SHE'S LIKE, "COME ON OVER.

KEEP ME COMPANY UNTIL
THIS ASSHOLE COMES, WOULD YOU?"

AND, WOMEN,
YOU DON'T TAKE IT WELL

WHEN A MAN DOESN'T COME.

YOU'RE NOT USED TO IT.

LIFE HASN'T PREPARED YOU
FOR A MAN NOT COMING.

YOUR EGO REALLY DOES NOT
TAKE IT WELL AT ALL.

YOU'RE PREPARED FOR US
COMING WAY TOO FAST,

AND THEN BITCHING ABOUT IT
TO YOUR FRIENDS.

BUT IF WE DON'T COME, YOU JUST
CAN'T HANDLE IT, YOU KNOW?

WE'RE USED TO IT,
BUT, UH, YOU KNOW...

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT
NOW MEN CAN FAKE ORGASM.

WE CAN.
WE CAN FAKE ORGASM.

YEAH, NOW THAT WE ALL WEAR
CONDOMS, THANKS TO AIDS...

AND THANK YOU, AIDS...

THANK YOU, AIDS,
FOR THE CONDOMS.

'CAUSE NOW, AFTER, LIKE,

A COUPLE OF HOURS
OF POINTLESS FUCKING,

YOU KNOW, WHERE, LIKE...
WHERE HER LABIA'S, LIKE,

POLISHED TO A SHEEN
AT THIS POINT, YOU KNOW?

IT LOOKS LIKE SHE'S GOT A PAIR
OF PURPLE PATENT LEATHER SHOES

BETWEEN HER THIGHS.
YOU KNOW?

I SHOULD JUST LET YOU SIT
WITH THAT IMAGE FOR A WHILE.

BUT I CAN LET HER
OFF THE HOOK.

I CAN JUST...
I CAN GO, "OH, AWESOME!

"OH, OH, GREAT.

"I'M JUST GOING TO GO
TAKE THIS THING OFF NOW.

"YOU DON'T NEED TO SEE THIS, BUT
TRUST ME, IT'S QUITE A LOAD.

"YOU CAN BE PROUD OF THE WORK
YOU'VE DONE TONIGHT, MISSY.

NO SHAME SPIRAL FOR YOU."

DOESN'T WORK AS WELL
DURING A BLOW JOB.

YOU CAN'T FAKE IT DURING A...

I'VE TRIED.
YOU GET CAUGHT.

AND BOY, WOMEN,
YOU REALLY DON'T TAKE THAT WELL.

IF WE DON'T COME
DURING A BLOW JOB,

OH, THAT REALLY GETS
YOUR EGO UP,

'CAUSE IT'S A SPECIAL GIFT
YOU'RE GIVING.

BUT... AND HERE'S
WHAT I'VE LEARNED.

WOMEN WILL NOT GIVE UP
ON A BLOW JOB.

WOMEN WILL FUCKING JUST NOT
GIVE UP ON A BLOW...

WOMEN BECOME LIKE TV E.R.
SURGEONS WITH A BLOW JOB,

AND IT'S LIKE, "NOT TONIGHT.
NOT TONIGHT, GOD DAMN IT. NO."

KEEP GOING AND GOING
AND GOING

UNTIL, LIKE, YOUR LIPS ARE
SWOLLEN AND NUMB,

AND YOUR JAW IS SORE.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT OUT
OF THE DENTIST'S CHAIR.

AND I CAN SAY,
"I DON'T NEED TO COME.

COMING ISN'T EVEN MY THING,
REALLY."

"OH, JUST SHUT UP AND COME,
YOU SON OF A BITCH."

AT WHICH POINT, I MEAN, I CAN,
LIKE, CLOSE MY EYES

AND TRY TO FANTASIZE
ABOUT SOMETHING

TO HELP ME COME FASTER,

BUT I'M ALREADY GETTING
A FUCKING BLOW JOB.

THAT'S MY GO-TO FANTASY.

I'VE GOT NO ROOM
TO MANEUVER.

AHH! LET ME TELL YOU...

LET ME TELL YOU
HOW FUCKED UP I AM SEXUALLY.

IN CASE I HAVEN'T
MADE MY CASE YET.

HERE'S HOW FUCKED UP
I AM SEXUALLY.

I HAD A DREAM RECENTLY,
A SEX DREAM.

I HAD A SEX DREAM,
AND THIS IS TRUE.

IN MY SEX DREAM, UH,

I WAS JUST JERKING OFF.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?

HOW FUCKING ANTI-SOCIAL
HAVE I BECOME

THAT THAT'S MY SEX DREAM?

JUST JERKING OFF...
I'M JUST JERKING OFF.

I MEAN, I COULD BE FUCKING
ANYONE.

I COULD BE FUCKING ANYONE.

I COULD BE FUCKING
HISTORICAL FIGURES.

I COULD BE
DOUBLE-TEAMING CLEOPATRA

WITH WINSTON CHURCHILL...
IT'S MY DREAM!

"I WILL FUCK HER IN THE MOUTH,

"AND YOU WILL FUCK HER
IN THE ASS,

AND WE WILL NEVER SURRENDER!"

THAT COULD BE MY DREAM.
I COULD FUCK ANYONE.

BUT I CHOOSE ME...
I'M FUCKING ME.

THAT'S WHO I'M FUCKING
IN MY DREAM.

I'M JUST JERKING OFF, AND IT'S
NOT LIKE IT'S A SHAME DREAM,

WHERE I'M JERKING OFF, AND THEN
I REALIZE I'M ON A PUBLIC BUS,

AND I GO, "OH, FUCK, I'VE GOT
TEN STOPS TO GO. BE COOL."

I HAVE HAD THAT DREAM
MANY TIMES, TRUST ME.

NO, THIS DREAM, I'M JERKING OFF
IN MY BATHROOM.

AND IN THE DREAM, I TAKE THE
TIME TO LOOK OVER AT THE DOOR

AND GO, "OH, GOOD,
IT'S LOCKED."

I'M JERKING OFF IN A LOCKED
BATHROOM IN MY APARTMENT,

AND THEN I WAKE UP,

AND I'M DISAPPOINTED
IT'S A DREAM.

THE BATHROOM IS TEN FEET
FROM MY BED.

I CAN GET UP,
GO TO THE BATHROOM,

AND LIVE THE DREAM.

BUT I JUST LIE THERE AND SULK.

YEAH, THAT'S FUCKED UP.

BUT I AM STILL...

I'M GRATEFUL THAT I STILL GET
FUCKED OCCASIONALLY.

WELL, MORE THAN OCCASIONALLY.
I'M FAMOUS.

IT HELPS.

AND I THINK... I APPRECIATE
THAT I STILL GET FUCKED.

I THINK I PROBABLY APPRECIATE IT
MORE THAN MOST OF YOU DO.

IN FACT, I DON'T THINK SOME
OF YOU APPRECIATE

THAT I GET FUCKED
AT ALL.

I DON'T THINK YOU EVEN TAKE
THE TIME TO THINK ABOUT IT.

ALL ABOUT YOU, ISN'T IT?

BUT SURE,
I DO APPRECIATE IT,

BECAUSE I WENT FOR A VERY LONG
PERIOD OF TIME IN MY LIFE

WHERE I DIDN'T GET FUCKED.

I WENT 11 YEARS
WITHOUT BEING FUCKED.

YEAH, IT WAS
DURING MY FIRST MARRIAGE.

IT'S A TRUE STORY.

YEAH, I WAS MARRIED
TO THIS WOMAN FOR 11 YEARS

WHO WOULDN'T FUCK ME,

AND TO BE FAIR, IT WASN'T
ENTIRELY HER FAULT,

BECAUSE SHE HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED
AS BEING A CUNT.

I MEAN, TECHNICALLY
THE DIAGNOSIS WAS

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER,

BUT TRUST ME,
"CUNT" COVERS IT.

AND I EXAGGERATE SLIGHTLY,

'CAUSE SHE WOULD ACTUALLY
FUCK ME, LIKE, ONCE A YEAR.

SHE WOULD FUCK ME.

IT WOULD BE JUST...
OUT OF NOWHERE,

SHE WOULD SUDDENLY JUST GO,

"ALL RIGHT, JUST DO IT.
JUST FUCK ME NOW.

JUST DO IT.
GET IT OVER WITH."

NO, I'M NOT GOING
TO FUCK YOU LIKE THIS.

NO, YOU MAKE ME FEEL
LIKE A RAPIST.

I'M NOT GOING TO FUCK YOU LIKE...
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

SHE'D GO, "FUCK ME NOW
OR I'LL KILL MYSELF."

OH, GREAT.
THAT'S A SEXY CHOICE FOR ME.

I CAN FEEL LIKE A RAPIST
OR A MURDERER.

WELL, I'LL JUST GO CHECK
ON MY BONER, SHALL I?

AND, SADLY,
IT WOULD BE THERE.

ONE OF THE MORE PATHETIC THINGS
IN THIS RELATIONSHIP, I THINK,

WAS WATCHING
AN UNOPENED BOX OF CONDOMS

REACH ITS EXPIRATION DATE.

'CAUSE THEY'RE NOT BANANAS.
THEY LAST A WHILE.

EVENTUALLY I JUST STARTED
BUYING, LIKE,

ONE CONDOM FOR THE WHOLE YEAR.

AND I'D KEEP IT
UNDER A GLASS DOME,

LIKE THE ROSE
IN BEAUTY AND THE BEAST.

IF THIS CONDOM EXPIRES,
I SHALL FOREVER BE A BEAST!

SOMEHOW MADE IT MAGICAL.

BUT AS I WAS SAYING,
I WAS WITH THIS WOMAN

FOR 11 YEARS, UH,

AND NEVER CHEATED ON HER
IN THAT 11 YEARS.

A LOT OF PEOPLE WOULD SAY,
"WELL, YOU WANT A FUCKING MEDAL

FOR NOT CHEATING
ON YOUR WIFE?"

YEAH, I'D KIND OF
LIKE A MEDAL.

I MEAN, A TROPHY, OR JUST WALK
AROUND TOWN WITH A PURPLE SASH

THAT SAYS "FUCKING GREAT GUY,"
'CAUSE I EARNED IT.

IT WAS NOT EASY.

11 FUCKING YEARS!

IT WAS NOT EASY,

'CAUSE THERE WERE
OPPORTUNITIES, YOU KNOW?

AND, UH, IN FACT,
I'M GOING TO TELL YOU A STORY

ABOUT ONE OF
THOSE OPPORTUNITIES,

JUST TO TELL YOU HOW HARD IT WAS
TO NOT CHEAT ON HER.

ALL RIGHT, IT'S FIVE YEARS
INTO THE RELATIONSHIP.

I'M 25 YEARS OLD.
SO, 25 YEARS OLD.

FIVE YEARS WITHOUT BEING FUCKED.
ALREADY A LIT FUSE.

AND IT'S THE FIRST YEAR
OF THE KIDS IN THE HALL SHOW,

AND WE'RE SHOOTING A FILM PIECE
FOR THE SHOW,

AND OUR AGENT COMES DOWN
TO THE SET,

AND HE BRINGS A GUEST
WITH HIM.

AND THE GUEST
THAT HE BRINGS TO SET

IS UMA THURMAN.

YEAH, IT'S ALREADY
A GOOD STORY,

BUT IT GETS BETTER BECAUSE
UMA'S A KIDS IN THE HALL FAN,

AND IT'S HER 19TH BIRTHDAY.

SO THE KIDS IN THE HALL ARE
GOING TO TAKE UMA THURMAN OUT

FOR HER 19TH BIRTHDAY, HER FIRST
NIGHT OF LEGAL DRINKING,

'CAUSE THAT'S THE DRINKING AGE
IN CANADA.

SO WE'RE TAKING UMA OUT,
AND YOU'VE GOT TO REMEMBER,

HISTORICALLY, WHERE WE'RE AT
RIGHT NOW, 'CAUSE THIS IS '89.

'88, DANGEROUS LIAISONS
CAME OUT, AND I DON'T KNOW IF

YOU'RE A FILM BUFF LIKE ME,
IF YOU'RE A CINEASTE,

UH, BUT IN THAT MOVIE,

THAT'S WHERE WE MET UMA THURMAN,
AND IN THAT MOVIE,

THERE'S A SCENE IN THAT FILM
WHERE SHE REMOVES HER NIGHTIE.

AND FOR MEN OF MY GENERATION,

THAT IS A J.F.K. MOMENT.

THAT IS A MOMENT...
EVERYTHING IS FROZEN IN TIME,

BECAUSE UP TO THAT, SHE'S, LIKE,
A GAWKY TEENAGE GIRL,

THEN SHE TAKES THIS OFF,
AND SHE'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL...

NOT JUST WOMAN,
BUT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING

OR EVENT YOU'VE EVER SEEN.

SHE'S BETTER THAN A SUNSET.

SHE'S BETTER THAN
A MOUNTAIN RANGE.

SHE'S JUST UNBELIEVABLY
BEAUTIFUL.

SO THIS IS THE WOMAN THAT
WE'RE TAKING OUT TO DINNER

FOR HER 19TH BIRTHDAY,

AND PEOPLE CAN'T GET OVER
HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS.

THEY'RE JUST AGOG.
THEY'RE SLACK-JAWED,

STARING AT HER.

PEOPLE FOLLOWING US
UP AND DOWN THE STREET.

WHEN WE'RE EATING
AT OUR RESTAURANT,

PEOPLE ARE PLASTERED AGAINST
THE WINDOW STARING AT HER.

NO ONE CAN QUITE COPE
WITH HOW BEAUTIFUL SHE IS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW,
THE EVENING WEARS ON.

EVENTUALLY ALL THE OTHER KIDS
IN THE HALL GO HOME,

AND IT'S JUST ME AND UMA
IN AN AFTER-HOURS BAR

IN TORONTO AROUND 2:00,
3:00 IN THE MORNING, RIGHT?

AND SHE'S INCREDIBLE.
SHE'S SMART. SHE'S FUNNY.

SHE'S GORGEOUS.
AND WE'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME.

AND WE'RE CUDDLED UP ON A COUCH,
KIND OF, YOU KNOW.

AND WE'RE FLIRTING, BUT AGAIN,
IT'S SMART PEOPLE FLIRTING,

'CAUSE, LIKE, I'D READ
THAT HER DAD WAS A PHILOSOPHER,

SO IT'S LIKE,
"I DO BELIEVE IMMANUEL KANT

"ONCE SPINOZA'D KIERKEGAARD.

I HOPE THAT MADE
YOUR NIPPLES HARD."

BUT THE EVENING GETS
TO THE POINT WHERE IT'S CLEAR

IT'S TIME TO SORT OF MOVE ON
TO THE NEXT LEVEL,

AND UMA'S GOING "WELL, SO,
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

WHAT SHOULD WE DO NOW?"

AND I SORT OF GO,
"I'M IN THIS RELATIONSHIP."

AND I HEAR UMA SAY TO ME,
"OH, WELL, I REALLY RESPECT

THAT YOU'RE FAITHFUL
TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND."

THOSE WORDS HAVE HAUNTED ME
EVER SINCE.

THEY HAVE ECHOED IN MY HEAD
EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE SINCE THEN,

AND I GUARANTEE THIS RIGHT NOW...

I GUARANTEE NOWHERE
ON EARTH TONIGHT...

NOWHERE ON EARTH TONIGHT,

IS UMA THURMAN
TELLING THIS STORY.

IT HASN'T CROSSED HER MIND.

THERE WAS NEVER A NIGHT WHEN SHE
WAS IN BED WITH ETHAN HAWKE

WHERE HE WOULD GO,
"BABY, WHY SO DISTANT?"

"OH, JUST THINKING
ABOUT DAVE.

JUST WONDERING
WHAT MIGHT'VE BEEN."

BUT I DID NOT HAVE SEX
WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD UMA THURMAN.

DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT
I'M SAYING, SIR?

I DID NOT HAVE SEX
WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD UMA THURMAN.

YOU CAN'T SAY THAT!
NONE OF YOU CAN SAY THAT!

WELL, TECHNICALLY ALL OF YOU
CAN SAY THAT,

BUT FOR ME, I BELIEVE
IT WAS AN OPTION!

AND EVEN IF IT WASN'T REALLY
AN OPTION,

I BELIEVED IT IN MY HEART
THAT IT WAS AN OPTION,

AND I WALKED AWAY.

AND I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE ABLE
TO TAKE THAT STORY

INTO COURT AS EVIDENCE
AGAINST MY FIRST WIFE.

I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY "YOUR
HONOR, I WOULD LIKE TO HUMBLY

SUBMIT I DID NOT HAVE SEX
WITH A 19-YEAR-OLD UMA THURMAN."

AND I THINK A REASONABLE COURT
WOULD SAY,

"WELL, TAKING THAT
INTO ACCOUNT,

"IT IS THE OPINION
OF THIS COURT THAT, FUCK YOU!

"THIS MAN OWES YOU NOTHING!

"THIS GOOD AND NOBLE CREATURE.

"WHY, WE'RE GOING TO BUILD
A STATUE,

AND BILL IT TO YOU,
YOU CUNT."

[cheers and applause]

ODDLY ENOUGH, THAT ISN'T
HOW IT WENT IN COURT.

I WENT TO COURT
WITH MY FIRST WIFE

ABOUT A YEAR AND A HALF AGO,

AND I WAS THERE
FOR AN ENFORCEMENT HEARING,

AND THE ENFORCEMENT HEARING
WAS THERE TO ENFORCE

A PREVIOUS RULING.

AND THE JUDGE IN THAT HEARING,
HE RULED THAT I HAVE TO PAY

MY FIRST WIFE
$17,700 A MONTH.

YEAH, OR GO TO JAIL.

I HAVE AN OPTION.

UH, SO, UH,

SO I DON'T GO TO CANADA
MUCH ANYMORE.

BUT THE RULING
THAT HE WAS ENFORCING

WAS EVEN CRAZIER,
'CAUSE IT WAS AN EARLIER RULING

WHERE I WENT
TO GET MY PAYMENTS ADJUSTED,

'CAUSE WHEN MY SHOW NEWSRADIO
WENT OFF THE AIR,

MY CAREER BECAME SOMETHING
CALLED SHITTY.

SO I WENT TO COURT
TO GET AN ADJUSTMENT,

AND I LOST THE CASE.

THE JUDGE RULED AGAINST ME.
AND SHE DIDN'T RULE AGAINST ME

BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T BELIEVE THAT
MY INCOME HAD CHANGED.

THIS WOMAN... JUSTICE BACKHOUSE
WAS THE JUDGE...

SHE RULED THAT
MY ABILITY TO PAY

WAS NOT RELEVANT
TO MY OBLIGATION TO PAY.

YEAH, WHICH IS LIKE SAYING
MY ABILITY TO FLY

IS NOT RELEVANT
TO MY OBLIGATION TO FLY.

NOW, OFF THE ROOF YOU GO.

OH! OH!

WELL, HE'S IN VIOLATION
OF THE RULING.

OFFICER, ARREST THAT PUDDLE.

SHE EVEN ACTUALLY... SHE DID
ACTUALLY RULE THAT MY DEATH

WOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED
A MATERIAL CHANGE

TO MY CIRCUMSTANCES.

WHICH IS REALLY MORE
OF A RELIGIOUS OPINION

THAN A LEGAL ONE.

SO I REALIZED, OKAY,
SO IF I DIE,

I HAVE TO KEEP WORKING,
OR MY CORPSE GOES TO JAIL.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
MY CORPSE CAN DO.

MAYBE MY CORPSE CAN BE IN A BIG
BROADWAY MUSICAL VERSION

OF WEEKEND AT BERNIE'S.

BUT I DON'T WANT MY CORPSE
TO GO TO JAIL.

THAT'S NOT WHAT I WANT,
'CAUSE I'M PRETTY SURE

THAT CORPSES ARE
THE LOW-HANGING FRUIT

ON THE PRISON RAPE TREE.

PROBABLY... PROBABLY JUST BELOW
DWARVES, YOU KNOW?

AND I DON'T WANT MY CORPSE
BEING RAPED.

SORRY IF THAT'S EGOTISTICAL.

DON'T WANT DWARVES RAPED,
EITHER. THERE, I SAID IT.

DON'T RAPE DWARVES, PRISONERS.

SORRY IF THAT'S CONTROVERSIAL.

I'LL BE AT A RALLY
WITH PETER DINKLAGE NEXT WEEK.

"STOP THE RAPING OF DWARVES!"
IT'S A PROBLEM.

[sighs]

NOW...

WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED
FOR A LONG TIME

AND THEN SINGLE,
AND THEN MARRIED AGAIN...

'CAUSE I'VE BEEN MARRIED
TWICE AND DIVORCED TWICE,

'CAUSE I LOVE PATTERNS.

BUT WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED
FOR A LONG TIME,

THEN SINGLE, THEN MARRIED AGAIN,
YOU SORT OF SEE

THE SEXUAL WORLD
IN IN THESE STARK SNAPSHOTS.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE
WHEN YOU'RE MARRIED,

YOU'RE IN SUSPENDED
ANIMATION,

AND THEN THEY WAKE YOU UP, AND
EVERYONE'S WEARING JET PACKS,

AND YOU'RE FREAKED OUT,
AND THEY KNOCK YOU OUT AGAIN.

AND AN EXAMPLE IS, UH,
IS PUBIC HAIR.

AND HEAR ME OUT ON THIS.

UH, I'VE PUT SOME THOUGHT
INTO THIS.

BECAUSE I LOST MY VIRGINITY
IN 1980, RIGHT?

AND IN 1980,
IT WAS A DIFFERENT WORLD.

IN 1980, WOMEN JUST HAD
PUBIC HAIR.

THEY JUST FUCKING HAD IT.

WHATEVER GREW, GREW,

AND IT WAS LIKE IT WAS
A NATIONAL PARK,

AND IT WAS ILLEGAL
TO CUT ANYTHING DOWN.

JUST GREW. AND YOUNG MEN...

YOUNG MEN HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

YOUNG MEN HAVE NEVER
EXPERIENCED...

YOU'VE NEVER PROBABLY
EXPERIENCED, LET'S CALL IT

FREE RANGE PUBIC HAIR.

YOU'VE NEVER FELT...
YOU'VE NEVER FELT...

YOU'VE NEVER FELT WET PUBES
ON YOUR CHEEKS, YOU KNOW?

IT WAS THE CLOSEST I'VE EVER
COME TO HAVING MUTTON CHOPS.

IT WAS AWESOME.
AND YOU GUYS DON'T KNOW.

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW.

THEN I GOT MARRIED, AND I WAS
MARRIED FOR 11 YEARS.

I MENTIONED A LITTLE BIT ABOUT
HOW WELL THAT WENT,

AND THEN I BECAME SINGLE
IN THE '90s.

AND IN THE '90s,
WOMEN SUDDENLY HAD

THE MOST METICULOUSLY
MANICURED PUBIC HAIR.

IT WAS AMAZING.

IT WAS SUDDENLY LIKE WOMEN JUST
HAD, LIKE, HAD, LIKE...

EVERYONE HAD, LIKE,
THE GARDENS OF VERSAILLES

GROWING ON THEIR PUDENDUM.

THERE'D BE, LIKE,
ORNATE MAZES AND TOPIARY.

THERE'D BE, LIKE, AN ELK
JUST POSED MAJESTICALLY.

LIKE, I DON'T KNOW HOW WOMEN DID
ANYTHING ELSE IN THE '90s.

MUST HAVE BEEN LIKE, "DO YOU
WANT TO GO OUT TONIGHT?"

"NO, SUMMER'S SIX MONTHS AWAY.
I GOT TO WORK ON MY PUBES.

I'LL NEVER BE READY."

AND THEN I GOT MARRIED AGAIN,

AND I WAS MARRIED
FOR EIGHT YEARS.

AND WHEN I BECAME SINGLE, UH,

ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO,

PUBIC HAIR WAS JUST GONE!

IT WAS JUST FUCKING GONE!

AND NOBODY WAS DOING ANYTHING
ABOUT IT.

EVERYBODY WAS FREAKING OUT
ABOUT THE BEES DISAPPEARING,

BUT NO ONE WAS DOING FUCK-ALL
ABOUT THE PUBIC HAIR!

WHAT IF IT'S AN INDICATOR
SPECIES?

WHAT IF THIS IS A SIGN OF AN
ONCOMING ENVIRONMENTAL COLLAPSE?

WHERE THE FUCK IS
THE SIERRA CLUB?

WHY ISN'T THE LORAX SPEAKING
FOR THE PUBIC HAIR?

AND MEN ARE SHAVING
THEIR BALLS NOW.

THAT'S SOMETHING MEN ARE DOING.

I'M SURE THERE'S A LOT
OF FRESHLY SHORN BALLS

IN THE ROOM TONIGHT.

MEN ARE SHAVING OFF THEIR PUBES,
AND, YOU KNOW, IT STARTED...

IT STARTED OUT WITH, LIKE...

IT'S GAY PORN STARS
STARTED IT, RIGHT?

AND THEN STRAIGHT PORN STARS
SAW THAT, WENT, "AWESOME!

I'M GONNA DO THAT."

AND THEN JUST REGULAR PEOPLE
PICKED IT UP.

SO YOU GOT, LIKE, A GUY
DRIVING A GARBAGE TRUCK.

HE'S GOT SHAVED BALLS.

COP WRITING YOU A TICKET.
HE'S GOT SHAVED BALLS.

I SHAVED MY BALLS ONCE.
I DID.

I WAS... I SHAVED... I WAS DATING
THIS GIRL WHO ASKED ME,

WOULD I SHAVE 'EM?

AND, FUCK IT, ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TRY.

AND IT WAS, UH... HORRIFYING,
IS WHAT IT WAS.

IT WAS HORRIFYING, 'CAUSE I
DISCOVERED THAT I HAD FAT

I DIDN'T KNOW ABOUT.

I HAD PUBIC FAT.

I HAD PUBIC FAT,
AND NOT ONLY THAT,

BUT IT WAS FORMING THIS, LIKE,
THIS RIDGE OVER MY COCK.

IT WAS FORMING THIS,
LIKE A CAVE.

MY COCK LOOKED LIKE
IT WAS LIVING IN A CAVE.

MY COCK WAS, LIKE, POKING
ITS HEAD OUT OF THE FAT CAVE.

JUST POKING HIS HEAD OUT GOING,
"WE DOING ANYTHING TONIGHT?"

NO, WE'RE DOING
FUCKING NOTHING TONIGHT.

THIS SHIT GOES NOWHERE
TILL THE HAIR COMES BACK.

THE WORLD MUST NOT KNOW
ABOUT MY FAT CAVE, COCK.

I'M GOING TO TRUST YOU
ON THIS ONE, COCK.

DON'T LET ME DOWN THIS TIME.

AND, APPARENTLY,
THE RATIONALE FOR MEN

SHAVING OFF THEIR PUBIC HAIR

IS THAT IF YOU SHAVE OFF
ALL YOUR PUBIC HAIR,

IT'S SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOUR COCK
LOOK BIGGER.

RIGHT? UM...

BUT I'M OF THE OPINION

THAT AN OPTICAL ILLUSION
DOWN THERE

IS OF DUBIOUS VALUE.

'CAUSE I MEAN, I SUPPOSE YOU
COULD, LIKE, TATTOO

A FORCED PERSPECTIVE DRAWING
OF A COUNTRY ROAD

JUST WINDING OFF
INTO THE DISTANCE

WITH, LIKE, SOME MOUNTAINS
OVER HERE AND A CITY SKYLINE.

SEATTLE, LET'S MAKE IT SEATTLE.

AND A WOMAN WOULD LOOK
AT THAT AND GO,

"OH, MY GOD, HIS COCK IS
THE SIZE OF THE SPACE NEEDLE.

I MUST HAVE IT!"

BUT WHEN THE RUBBER MEETS
THE ROAD, AS IT WERE,

SIZE IS GOING TO MATTER.

BECAUSE THE MOST YOU CAN
REALLY HOPE TO ACHIEVE

IS TO CONVINCE THE POOR WOMAN
THAT SHE HAS

A GIGANTIC VAGINA.

SHE'S GOING, "MY GOD, IT LOOKED
SO HUGE, AND I FEEL NOTHING.

"WHAT KIND OF MONSTER AM I?

OH, THAT'S PROBABLY
WHERE THE CAT WENT."

HERE'S THE DEAL.
I THINK IT'S WEIRD

THAT WE CAN HAVE
PUBIC FASHIONS.

THAT WE CAN HAVE TRENDS
IN PUBIC HAIR.

I THINK THAT'S ODD.

I DON'T THINK THAT USED
TO HAPPEN, YOU KNOW.

I DON'T THINK THAT EVER HAPPENED
IN THE '40s AND '50s.

I DON'T THINK THEY HAD
PUBIC TRENDS BACK THEN.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW.

I NEVER ASKED MY GRANDMOTHER.
I SHOULD HAVE.

SERIOUS.

IT'S THE CONVERSATIONS WE DON'T
HAVE THAT WE REGRET, PEOPLE.

SO IF YOU TAKE ANYTHING AWAY
FROM TONIGHT, TAKE THAT AWAY.

PLEASE, TONIGHT WHEN YOU GET
HOME, CALL YOUR GRANNY.

ASK ABOUT HER PUBES.
YOU'LL BE SURPRISED.

"I DIDN'T THINK ANYBODY CARED.
I LOVE YOU, SONNY."

BUT IT'S TRUE.
WE HAVE TRENDS IN PUBIC HAIR.

AND I THINK THE REASON
THAT CAN HAPPEN

IS BECAUSE OF THE MAINSTREAMING
OF PORN.

AND THERE'S NO DOUBT
ABOUT IT THAT PORN,

HARDCORE PORN,
IS NOW MAINSTREAM.

IT'S NOT A CULT THING.
IT'S NOT A SUBCULTURE THING.

EVERYONE'S BEEN EXPOSED
TO HARDCORE PORN.

IT USED TO BE IF YOU WANTED
TO SEE, LIKE, HARDCORE PORN,

YOU HAD
TO MAKE AN EFFORT.

YOU HAD TO DO THINGS LIKE, OH,

LEAVE YOUR HOUSE.

GO TO THE CREEPY PART OF TOWN.

GO INTO SOME OLD,
FILTHY THEATER.

WADE THROUGH POOLS OF JIZZ.

DEAL WITH SOME GUY MAKING,
YOU KNOW,

INTENSE AND INAPPROPRIATE
EYE CONTACT, LIKE...

"YOU AND ME ARE DOING THIS
TOGETHER."

THAT WAS THE PORN EXPERIENCE.

IT'S NOT COMFORTABLE,
IS IT, SIR?

IT WAS A COMMUNAL EXPERIENCE.

NOTHING PRIVATE ABOUT IT

UNTIL HOME VIDEO CAME ALONG,
RIGHT?

AND THEN IT CHANGED.

THEN, SUDDENLY,
THE PORN EXPERIENCE WAS

YOU'D GO TO YOUR LOCAL VIDEO
STORE IN YOUR NEIGHBORHOOD,

AND YOU'D, LIKE... YOU'D CIRCLE
THE DISNEY SECTION

FOR TWO OR THREE HOURS,

WAITING FOR THE CROWD
TO THIN OUT.

AND THEN, WHEN YOUR MOMENT
WAS RIGHT,

YOU'D RUSH THROUGH
THAT RATTY CURTAIN

THAT SEPARATED THE PORN
FROM THE DECENT FILMS,

AND JUST GRAB UP
AS MUCH PORN AS YOU COULD,

AND THEN YOU'D TROT HOME
WITH 'EM LIKE WILE E. COYOTE

WITH HIS ACME SHIPMENT,
AND JUST HOPE THAT YOU DIDN'T

ACCIDENTALLY GRAB ALL GAY STUFF,
'CAUSE YOU'D MAKE DO.

YOU'D GO, "I'LL PRETEND
THAT ASSHOLE IS A VAGINA.

"I'VE GOT WORK TO DO.

CAN'T BE RUNNING BACK AND FORTH
TO THE PORN STORE ALL NIGHT."

BUT NOW IT'S JUST EVERYWHERE.

PORN, IS JUST...
IT'S IN OUR HOMES.

YOU KNOW, IT COMES ON CABLE
AND SATELLITE.

IT'S THERE WAITING FOR YOU
WHEN YOU GET HOME,

LIKE A FAITHFUL DOG.

IT'S LIKE, I CHECKED INTO
MY HOTEL, RIGHT,

AND I TURNED ON
THE TV IN MY HOTEL,

AND THE FIRST THING
THE TV SAYS TO ME IS,

"PLEASE CHECK OUT
OUR ADULT SELECTIONS,"

WHICH IS PORN, IS WHAT IT IS.

IT'S NOT MOVIES ABOUT PEOPLE
BEHAVING PARTICULARLY MATURELY.

IT'S NOT MOVIES
ABOUT PEOPLE GOING,

"YOU KNOW, I'M GOING TO PUT
MONEY ASIDE EVERY MONTH

FOR RETIREMENT."

TRY JERKING OFF TO THAT.
IT'S NOT GONNA WORK.

IT'S PORN. SO IT'S LIKE...
WHEN THE HOTEL SAYS,

"PLEASE CHECK OUT
OUR ADULT SELECTIONS,"

IT'S LIKE THE SHERATON
IS SAYING,

"PLEASE JERK OFF
IN OUR BEDS."

AND I'M CANADIAN.

YOU ASK ME NICELY,
I WILL ACCOMMODATE.

I ACCOMMODATED MY HOTEL
SEVERAL TIMES TODAY.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
I GOT A DAY TO KILL.

I DON'T WORK TILL NIGHT.

AHH.

ALL RIGHT,
WELL, I FEEL LIKE...

I FEEL LIKE WE'RE KIND OF
GETTING ALONG PRETTY WELL

AS AN AUDIENCE AND PERFORMER,
RIGHT?

WE'RE GETTING ALONG
ALL RIGHT.

PRETTY GOOD.

[cheers and applause]

SO IT'S PROBABLY TIME
TO WRECK THAT.

I'M GONNA TELL YOU...
ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA...

I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING PERSONAL NOW.

THIS MAY CHANGE
HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT ME.

I'M JUST GOING TO SAY IT.

I...
[exhales heavily]

ALL RIGHT, I'LL JUST SAY IT.
OKAY.

[exhales]
ALL RIGHT.

I'M SMART.

OKAY, AND I KNOW THAT
WHEN YOU SAY YOU'RE SMART,

I KNOW THAT A WAVE OF HOSTILITY
CAN GO THROUGH THE ROOM,

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE BEING SMART'S
NOT VERY POPULAR

IN OUR CULTURE ANYMORE.

IT'S KIND OF FROWNED UPON.

WE'RE LIVING IN THE POST-,
YOU KNOW, JACKASS WORLD.

YOU KNOW, THE WORST THING YOU
CAN CALL SOMEONE

IN OUR CULTURE RIGHT NOW

IS AN INTELLECTUAL ELITE.

THAT'S THE WORST INSULT
YOU CAN LEVEL,

TO CALL SOMEONE
AN INTELLECTUAL ELITE.

WHICH IS WEIRD TO ME

BECAUSE WE DON'T FEEL
THAT WAY

ABOUT THE PHYSICALLY ELITE.

WE DON'T RESENT THEM
FOR BEING BETTER THAN US

AT THE GAMES THEY PLAY.

THAT'S THE FUN
IN WATCHING THEM, YOU KNOW?

LIKE, NO ONE EVERY SAID,
"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE

"ABOUT KOBE BRYANT?

"HE PLAYS BASKETBALL
JUST LIKE ME.

"HE GETS WINDED EASY,
CAN'T HIT THE BACKBOARD,

"SHOWS UP DRUNK
MOST OF THE TIME.

"HE'S AWESOME.

I NEVER FEEL THREATENED
WHEN I WATCH HIM PLAY."

BUT THAT'S HOW WE FEEL
ABOUT THE INTELLECTUALLY ELITE.

WE FEEL THREATENED BY THEM.
WE DON'T LIKE IT.

IT MAKES US ANGRY.

PEOPLE SAY THAT'S THE REASON

THAT BARACK OBAMA
HAS TROUBLE, YOU KNOW,

CONNECTING
WITH ORDINARY PEOPLE,

AND BY THE WAY,
THANK GOD HE GOT REELECTED.

THANK FUCKING GOD.

[cheers and applause]
REALLY, YES.

THAT WAS TERRIFYING.
THAT WAS TERRIFYING.

I WAS SO TENSE.
I DON'T THINK I SHIT FOR A YEAR.

I WAS SO CLENCHED WAITING
FOR THIS ELECTION TO END.

BUT HE'S BACK.

BUT PEOPLE STILL SAY HE...
THAT HE'S CONSIDERED...

HE SEEMS TOO MUCH
OF AN INTELLECTUAL,

SO PEOPLE CAN'T RELATE
TO HIM.

YEAH, IT'S LIKE,

"HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE BIG OL'
BRAINY-BRAIN, OBAMA?

"ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS RUN
THE FUCKING COUNTRY.

IT DOESN'T TAKE AN EINSTEIN."

BUT, LIKE, IF EINSTEIN
WAS STARTING HIS CAREER

IN THIS ENVIRONMENT,
IN AMERICA,

I THINK HE WOULD FEEL
COMPELLED

TO PREFACE
HIS EVERY STATEMENT WITH,

"HEY, I'M NO GENIUS, BUT..."

IT WOULD'VE BEEN,
HEY, I'M NO GENIUS,

BUT I GOT AN ITCHY OL' FEELING
IN THE BACK OF MY NOGGIN.

MAYBE "E" EQUALS
"M-C" SQUARED.

BUT WHAT DO I KNOW?
I'M JUST AN OLD COUNTRY BOY.

LIKE, THERE ARE SCIENTISTS
RIGHT NOW

WORKING AT CERN, RIGHT,

WITH A LARGE HADRON COLLIDER.

AND THEY'RE DOING EXPERIMENTS
THAT MAY HAVE ALREADY YIELDED

ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT
DISCOVERIES IN THE HISTORY

OF HUMANITY, YOU KNOW.

BUT THEY'RE STILL
FOLLOWING IT UP, RIGHT?

AND LITERALLY, A FUNDAMENTAL
DISCOVERY ABOUT THE VERY NATURE

OF REALITY.

BUT IF THEY WANT
TO ANNOUNCE IT

WITHOUT ALIENATING EVERYBODY,
THEY BETTER DO IT AS,

"HEY, WE WERE JUST FUCKING
AROUND WITH A COLLIDER, RIGHT?

"WE THOUGHT, WHY DON'T WE
COLLIDE A COUPLE PROTON BEAMS

"HERE AT THE SPEED OF LIGHT,
SEE WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENS?

"AND WE DID IT,
AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME!

"AND WE DISCOVERED
THE HIGGS BOSON.

"NOW WE KNOW WHY MATTER HAS
MASS, BUT FUCK IT.

LET'S GO TO A TITTY BAR."

I THINK IT'S...

IT'S THAT
ANTI-INTELLECTUAL MINDSET

THAT I THINK
MADE IT POSSIBLE

FOR SOMEONE LIKE A GEORGE BUSH
TO BECOME PRESIDENT,

YOU KNOW, OR SOMEONE
LIKE A SARAH PALIN TO,

I DON'T KNOW,
GET A FUCKING DRIVER'S LICENSE.

FUCK, I HATE HER.

I HATE SARAH PALIN SO MUCH.

[cheers and applause]
OH, I HATE HER.

OH, I HATE HER SO MUCH.

BUT SHE'S HOT, AND I WOULD
TOTALLY FUCK HER.

I WOULD...
I WOULD TOTALLY...

I'M NOT MAKING THE UMA MISTAKE
TWICE, PEOPLE.

OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS ITSELF,
THERE WILL BE

SOME PALIN FUCKING
GOING ON.

BUT I'LL FEEL BADLY ABOUT IT,
AS A LIBERAL.

I'LL FEEL BADLY.

I'LL DEFINITELY HAVE TO LIE
TO MY FRIENDS.

I'LL HAVE TO... HAVE TO CLAIM,
LIKE, I THOUGHT IT WAS TINA FEY,

UH, JUST...
[laughs]

IT'S...
AND IT WAS WEIRD, DUDE.

SHE WOULDN'T
BREAK CHARACTER, MAN.

SHE WAS ALL JUST,
"WE THE PEOPLE,"

THEN SOME GIBBERISH
AND DROOLING.

BUT FUCK IT.
SHE'S A COMIC GENIUS,

AND I WANT TO BE
ON 30 ROCK, SO I DID IT.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU,
YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE?

I LOVE SCIENCE.

I LOVE SCIENCE.
I THINK SCIENCE IS AMAZING.

SCIENCE, I THINK,
IS ONE OF THE GREATEST THINGS

OUR SPECIES HAS EVER DONE.

SCIENCE,
IT'S JUST FUCKING AWESOME.

AND THERE ARE PEOPLE
WHO DON'T LIKE SCIENCE.

THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO REALLY ARE
SUSPICIOUS OF IT AND RESENT IT,

PEOPLE LIKE MICHELLE BACHMANN
AND SARAH PALIN, YOU KNOW,

WHO JUST DO NOT TRUST IT
AT ALL.

THEY DON'T TRUST SCIENCE.

THEY THINK IT'S SOMEHOW
CONSPIRING AGAINST THEM

AND THEIR BELIEFS,

AND... AND THEY LOVE
TO COME UP

WITH SORT OF PSEUDO-SCIENTIFIC
ARGUMENTS

TO SHOOT SCIENCE DOWN.

YOU KNOW, THEY LOVE SAYING
THINGS LIKE,

"ALL THE SCIENCE
ISN'T IN ON THAT."

THAT'S A FAVORITE PHRASE
AMONG STUPID PEOPLE.

ALL THE SCIENCE
ISN'T IN ON THAT,

LIKE ALL THE SCIENCE
IS EVER IN ON ANYTHING.

LIKE THERE'S EVER A TIME
WHEN SCIENTISTS JUST GO,

"WELL, WE'RE DONE
OUR SCIENCIN'.

"THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.

"JUST TAKE IT.
DO WHAT YOU WILL WITH IT.

BACK TO THE TITTY BAR
FOR US."

THAT'S NOT HOW SCIENCE WORKS.

SCIENCE IS AN ONGOING PROCESS.

SCIENCE IS NEVER ALL IN,
LIKE YOU SAY,

SCIENCE ISN'T ALL IN
ON GLOBAL WARMING.

YEAH, 'CAUSE ONLY 99.999%

OF THE WORLD'S SCIENTISTS AGREE
THAT IT IS MAN-MADE,

SO UNTIL ALL THE SCIENCE
IS IN,

I SAY WE JUST SET FIRE
TO ANYTHING THAT'LL BURN.

THAT'S WHAT WE GOTTA DO.
THAT'S... GOD MADE IT...

GOD WOULDN'T HAVE MADE IT
FLAMMABLE

IF HE DIDN'T WANT US
TO BURN IT.

THAT GOES FOR YOU,
FAT BILLY.

WE'RE GOING TO BURN YOU.
SORRY.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE IT.

THEY SAY THINGS LIKE, UH,
YOU KNOW,

LIKE "THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION".

THEY LOVE TO SAY THAT THAT'S
JUST A THEORY.

IT'S NOT THE FACT
OF EVOLUTION.

IT'S THE THEORY
OF EVOLUTION.

THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT
A THEORY.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE
IS A THEORY?

GRAVITY.

YEAH, GRAVITY'S JUST
A FUCKING THEORY.

THEY HAVEN'T DISCOVERED
THE GRAVITON,

THE PARTICLE THAT CONVEYS
GRAVITY TO MATTER.

THEY HAVEN'T COME UP
WITH THAT.

THEY HAVEN'T FOUND IT YET,

AND UNTIL THEY DO,
I THINK IT'S ALL JUNK SCIENCE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'S ALL A NEWTONIAN HOAX.

AN EINSTEINIAN BOONDOGGLE,
I CALLS IT.

TILL ALL THE SCIENCE
IS IN ON GRAVITY,

I REFUSE TO BE A SLAVE
TO IT.

WHY, WHEN I'M
ON THE 15th FLOOR

AND I NEED TO GET
TO THE GROUND,

I JUST STEP OUT A WINDOW.

DOING ANYTHING ELSE
WOULD BE GIVING IN

TO LEFT-WING MEDIA HYSTERIA.

SCIENCE HAS ONLY
RECENTLY DISCOVERED

THAT 95% OF OUR UNIVERSE
IS UNACCOUNTED FOR.

I MEAN, THAT BOGGLES MY...
95% OF THE UNIVERSE

IS COMPLETELY MYSTERIOUS.

WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS
OR WHERE IT IS.

YOU KNOW, THEY'RE CALLING IT,
YOU KNOW,

DARK MATTER
AND DARK ENERGY

BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT IS.

THEY JUST KNOW
IT HAS TO BE THERE,

'CAUSE OTHERWISE,
THE LAWS OF PHYSICS DON'T WORK,

BUT THEY HAVE NO IDEA
WHAT IT IS.

THAT'S ASTONISHING.

95% OF EVERYTHING
IN THE UNIVERSE

A COMPLETE MYSTERY.

BUT I WAS THINKING, LIKE,
BUT WHAT IF...

WHAT IF SOMEWHERE OUT THERE,
THERE WERE CREATURES

MADE OF THIS DARK STUFF?

YOU KNOW, WHAT IF THERE ARE...
THERE ARE RACES

MADE OF DARK MATTER?

AND WHAT IF THEIR SCIENTISTS
ARE LOOKING

AT THEIR UNIVERSE,
AND THEY'RE GOING,

"OH, MY GOD, 5% OF THE UNIVERSE
IS MISSING.

FUCK IT.
I CAN LIVE WITH THAT."

FUCKING DARK MATTER PEOPLE,
THEY DON'T EVEN CARE

ABOUT THE 5% OF THE UNIVERSE
THAT IS EVERYTHING TO US.

THEY'RE SO FUCKING ARROGANT,
THOSE DARK MATTER PEOPLE.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I SAY?

I SAY FUCK YOU,
DARK MATTER PEOPLE.

MAYBE THE UNIVERSE
IS A LOT LIKE AUSTRALIA,

AND 95% OF IT
IS JUST SHIT.

YEAH, MAYBE WE GOT ALL
THE COASTLINE OF THE UNIVERSE,

AND YOU GOT
THE FUCKING OUTBACK.

FUCKING DARK MATTER ASSHOLES.

YEAH, YOU TELL 'EM I SAID SO.

BUT AS A SPECIES, UH,

WE JUST LIKE KNOWING THINGS.

IT'S JUST IN OUR DNA
THAT... WHICH, IF...

YOU KNOW, I BELIEVE IN...

UH...
[chuckles]

THAT WE JUST WANT
TO KNOW THINGS.

WE WANT TO KNOW THINGS
EVEN IF THERE'S NO REASON

TO KNOW THEM,
IF THERE'S NO USEFUL PURPOSE

IN KNOWING IT.

WE JUST WANT
TO KNOW THINGS.

AND A GOOD EXAMPLE OF THAT
IS A STUDY

THAT A GROUP
OF SOUTH KOREAN SCIENTISTS DID,

UM, WHERE THEY...

THEY FOUND A CORRELATION...

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

I READ THIS
IN THE L.A. TIMES.

UH, THEY DID A STUDY
WHERE THEY FOUND A CORRELATION

BETWEEN, UH, THE RELATIVE LENGTH
OF YOUR RING FINGER

AND YOUR INDEX FINGER

AND PENIS SIZE.

THEY FOUND THAT
IF YOUR RING FINGER IS LONGER

THAN YOUR INDEX FINGER,

THAT THAT WAS AN INDICATION
OF A LARGER PENIS.

AND I'LL JUST TAKE A MOMENT
FOR ALL THE MEN

TO CHECK OUT THEIR HANDS.

AND WHILE
THEY'RE DOING THAT,

I'LL LET THE LADIES
CHECK OUT MY HAND.

CHECK IT OUT, LADIES.
LOOK AT THAT.

THAT IS ONE LANKY MOTHERFUCKER
OF A RING FINGER, LADIES.

I'M JUST SAYING.
IT'S SCIENCE.

AND THE STUDY
THAT THEY DID...

THEY WERE UROLOGICAL SURGEONS.

THEY HAD LIKE 140 PATIENTS
THAT WERE BOOKED

TO COME IN
FOR UROLOGICAL SURGERY,

RIGHT?

AND THEY BROUGHT THEM IN,
ANESTHETIZED THEM,

AND PROCEEDED TO MEASURE
THEIR FINGERS AND DICKS.

AND... FIRST, SHOULD THEY BE
DOING THIS, FIRST OFF?

'CAUSE YOU GO IN
FOR SURGERY,

YOU KINDA WANT TO HOPE

THE DOCTOR'S TAKING IT
SERIOUSLY,

THAT HE'S NOT GONNA FUCK AROUND
WITH YOUR DICK

FOR 20 MINUTES
OUT OF SOME WEIRD CURIOSITY.

BUT THEY DID THIS.

THEY MEASURED THEIR FINGERS
AND THEIR PENISES,

AND THEY MEASURED
THE PENISES FLACCID,

'CAUSE, WELL, SERIOUSLY,
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

UM, BUT THEY...
[chuckles]

BUT THEY ALSO
MEASURED THEM...

THEY WERE ANESTHETIZED.

UM, THEY ALSO MEASURED
THEM, UH...

AND I'M QUOTING...

"STRETCHED TO THE LIMIT."

BECAUSE THEY SAID...
IN THE STUDY, THEY SAID THIS...

THAT IT IS BELIEVED

THAT STRETCHING A PENIS
TO ITS LIMIT

APPROXIMATES
ERECT PENIS LENGTH.

BUT IT'S JUST A THEORY
AT THIS POINT.

ALL THE SCIENCE
ISN'T IN ON THIS ONE.

WE NEED TO DO A LOT MORE
PEER-REVIEWED PENIS STRETCHING

BEFORE IT'S A HARD FACT.

RIGHT? LIKE, HOW DO YOU KNOW
YOU'VE STRETCHED A PENIS

TO ITS LIMIT,

UNLESS YOU HAVE
AT SOME POINT

STRETCHED ONE PAST
ITS LIMIT?

UNLESS YOU JUST RIPPED ONE
THE FUCK OFF,

AND IT'S LIKE,
"DO WE STILL MEASURE THIS ONE?"

NO, WE DON'T FUCKING
MEASURE IT!

OH, AND YOU'VE RUINED
THE SAMPLE SIZE.

NOW NO ONE'S GOING TO TAKE
MY PENIS STUDY SERIOUSLY.

I'LL NEVER GET OUT
OF SOUTH KOREA.

I'M AFRAID OF MUSLIMS.

I MEAN, NOT ALL MUSLIMS.

OBVIOUSLY, THAT WOULD BE...
THAT WOULD BE WRONG.

UH, I'M AFRAID OF, UH...

IT MIGHT BE A SMALL GROUP
OF MUSLIMS

THAT I'M AFRAID OF.

I'M NOT SURE.

MIGHT EVEN BE JUST, LIKE,
ONE MUSLIM

THAT I'M AFRAID OF.

UM, I'M AFRAID
OF THE MUSLIM

WHO MIGHT HEAR ME
TELL A JOKE TONIGHT

AND THEN SAY TO HIMSELF,

"HEY, WOULDN'T IT BE COOL
TO KILL HIM?"

THAT MUSLIM SCARES
THE SHIT OUT OF ME,

'CAUSE HE'S OUT THERE.

HE'S DEFINITELY OUT THERE
SOMEWHERE.

I MEAN, THERE WAS A GUY
WHO WAS PLOTTING TO MURDER

MATT STONE AND TREY PARKER,
THE PRODUCERS OF SOUTH PARK,

BECAUSE THEY PUT MOHAMMED
IN A BEAR SUIT

ON AN EPISODE OF SOUTH PARK,

WHICH WAS THEIR WAY OF AVOIDING
DEPICTING THE PROFIT MOHAMMED,

WHICH SHOWS THEY'RE ALSO
AFRAID OF MUSLIMS.

ALL COMEDIANS ARE.
ALL...

MUSLIM COMEDIANS ARE AFRAID
OF OTHER MUSLIMS, RIGHT?

'CAUSE, LIKE, I WOULD LOVE
TO TELL YOU A JOKE

ABOUT MOHAMMED TONIGHT,
UH,

BUT I WON'T,
'CAUSE I'M A-SCARED TO.

JUST TOO AFRAID TO DO IT.

BUT I CAN SAY
THE MOST OFFENSIVE THING

I CAN THINK OF
ABOUT JESUS CHRIST TONIGHT.

IT'S TRUE. I CAN SAY...
I CAN SAY,

JESUS CHRIST WAS A PEDOPHILE.

HE WAS... WITH HALITOSIS.

HE WAS A PEDOPHILE
WITH HALITOSIS.

LIKE, THAT'S WHAT THE KIDS
WOULD OBJECT TO.

THEY WOULD SAY, "JESUS, WE DON'T
MIND THE RAPIN' SO MUCH,

"BUT FOR FUCK'S SAKES,
FLOSS OCCASIONALLY.

YOUR MOUTH SMELLS LIKE ASS."

NOW, I CAN SAY THAT,
AND I WILL AGREE WITH YOU

THAT THAT'S PRETTY OFFENSIVE.

BUT I CAN SAY THAT TONIGHT,
AND THEN I CAN LEAVE HERE,

AND I CAN WALK HOME

THROUGH THE MOST DANGEROUS
CHRISTIAN NEIGHBORHOOD IN TOWN

AND LIVE.

I CAN LIVE.

AND THAT'S SOMETHING,
AS A CULTURE,

THAT WE CAN ALL BE PROUD OF.

WE CAN BE PROUD OF THE FACT
THAT WE'VE GOTTEN

TO A POINT
IN OUR HISTORY

WHERE WE CAN HEAR SOMETHING THAT
MIGHT HORRIBLY OFFEND US,

BUT WE DON'T NECESSARILY
HAVE TO MURDER

THE PERSON WHO SAID IT.

WE COULD SATISFY OURSELVES
WITH A HEARTY TSK, TSK.

YOU KNOW, WE DON'T THINK GOD
NEEDS US TO HAVE HIS BACK.

GOD ISN'T IN HEAVEN GOING,
"DID YOU HEAR WHAT HE SAID?

"DID YOU?
AND YOU JUST SAT THERE?

YOU JUST...
YOU DON'T LOVE ME!"

GOD LOCKS HIMSELF
IN THE BATHROOM ALL NIGHT.

THAT'S A FUCKING SHITTY GOD.

BUT WE DON'T...
YEAH, WE DON'T.

WE'VE GOTTEN A LITTLE FURTHER
ALONG, RIGHT?

WE CAN BE PROUD OF THAT,
BUT WE SHOULDN'T GET SMUG

ABOUT IT, YOU KNOW?

WE SHOULDN'T GET SMUG
ABOUT IT

BECAUSE WE'RE NOT BETTER
THAN THE ISLAMIC WORLD.

WE'RE JUST SLIGHTLY FURTHER
DOWN THE EXACT SAME ROAD, RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU GOT TO BEAR IN MIND
THAT CHRISTIANITY HAD

A 600-YEAR HEAD START
ON ISLAM, RIGHT?

SO YOU WIND THE CLOCK BACK
600 YEARS ON CHRISTIANITY,

AND I'M A STANDUP COMEDIAN
WORKING DURING THE INQUISITION.

I JUST MIGHT SKIP
MY JESUS BIT.

I MIGHT GO STRAIGHT TO
MY WITCHES BE CRAZY MATERIAL.

YEAH, WHITE WITCHES
ARE ALL "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

BLACK WITCHES ARE
ALL "OH, NO, YOU DIDN'T."

SO WE'RE NOT BETTER.

WE'RE JUST FURTHER DOWN
THE EXACT SAME ROAD, RIGHT?

[sighs]

AHH.

I'M NOT A RACIST.

I SAY THAT JUST IN CASE
I'M WRONG.

[laughs]
UM...

AND I KNOW RACISM
IS COOL AGAIN.

I KNOW IT'S BACK.
UM...

WE GOT A BLACK PRESIDENT,
SO NOW IT'S OKAY

TO BE RACIST AGAIN.

UM, AND I GUESS, YOU KNOW,
IT LOOKS LIKE, I MEAN,

IT'S PROBABLY FUN
BEING A RACIST, YOU KNOW,

HANGING OUT
WITH YOUR RACIST BUDDIES,

SINGING DOO-WOP SONGS,
AND SAYING THE "N" WORD,

UH, WHICH IS NIGGER,
BY THE WAY.

UM, I DON'T KNOW IF...
IS ANYONE HERE NOT IN ON...

IN ON... ANYONE NOT KNOW THAT?

THAT'S... IT'S...
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

IT'S NOT, YOU KNOW...

ANYONE HERE
NOT IN ON THE CODE?

UH, IT'S NOT LIKE
IT'S PARTICULARLY GOOD CODE.

IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S...
NOT LIKE IT'S ALGEBRA.

YOU KNOW,
IT'S NOT LIKE IT'S...

UNLESS, OF COURSE,
THE EQUATION IS,

IF "S" EQUALS SOCIAL DISCOMFORT

AND "L" EQUALS
LIBERAL WHITE GUILT,

THEN "N" IS NIGGER.

'CAUSE THE ONLY TIME YOU EVER
HEAR ANYONE SAY THE PHRASE

"THE 'N' WORD"
IS WHEN THEY WANT TO TELL YOU

ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE
THEY HEARD SAY NIGGER,

AND THEY WANT TO TELL YOU
HOW OFFENDED THEY WERE

AND WHAT GOOD PEOPLE THEY ARE
FOR BEING OFFENDED.

SO THEY'LL BE LIKE, "YEAH,
ME AND MY BUDDY WERE OUT

"THE OTHER NIGHT,
AND WE JUST...

"WE HEARD THIS GUY
SAYING THE 'N' WORD.

"WE COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.

"HE WAS JUST SAYING IT,
JUST SAYING THE 'N' WORD.

"WE COULDN'T... WE COULD...
WELL, I DID THE ONLY THING

"I COULD DO.

"I GAVE MY FRIEND A LOOK.
I WENT...

"I MADE IT PRETTY CLEAR
I DISAPPROVED.

"I FELT LIKE MARTIN LUTHER
KING, JR. THAT NIGHT.

I WAS A DIFFERENCE-MAKER."

'CAUSE...'CAUSE IT'S LIKE PEOPLE
WHO SAY, UH,

"SUGAR" WHEN THEY MEAN SHIT
AND THEY THINK

THAT MAKES THEM NICE PEOPLE,

AND IT DOESN'T,
'CAUSE WE KNOW YOU MEAN SHIT.

WE KNOW YOU MEAN SHIT BECAUSE
NO ONE EVER GOT THAT UPSET

ABOUT STEPPING
IN A PILE OF SUGAR.

NO ONE EVER SAID,
"WHY IS THIS STEAMING PILE

"OF SUGAR HERE?
OH, IT'S IN MY FAVORITE SHOES

"WITH THE DEEP, INTRICATE TREAD.
I'LL NEVER GET IT OUT.

"MM, MM. OH, WELL.
I'LL JUST LICK MY SHOE.

AGH, LAH, LAH, MMM."

OR, WHAT SHOULD BE
THE MOST OFFENSIVE SUBSTITUTION,

UH, IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD,

WHICH, AGAIN, IS CRAZY,
BUT IF YOU DO,

UH, IS GOSH DARN.

THAT SHOULD BE THE MOST
OFFENSIVE PHRASE ON EARTH.

'CAUSE THAT IMPLIES
THAT YOU CAN TRICK GOD.

LIKE GOD'S TOO FUCKING THICK
TO FIGURE IT OUT.

LIKE GOD'LL BE THERE
JUST GOING...

[old geezer voice]
WHAT WAS THAT?

[chuckling]
OH, OH, OH, GOSH DARN.

I'M SORRY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID
SOMETHING ELSE.

I'M SORRY. I WAS GONNA CONDEMN
YOU TO HELL FOR ETERNITY.

OH, MY GOD. OH.
THAT WAS...

THAT WAS GOSH DARN.
I DON'T EVEN...

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS.

I DON'T EVEN THINK
THOSE ARE WORDS, FRANKLY.

I MEAN...
[chuckles]

OH, I BETTER GET THESE OLD EARS
CHECKED OUT, I GUESS.

I DON'T...
MIGHT WANNA GET SOME THERAPY.

WHY AM I SO QUICK TO ANGER?
UGH.

I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE BECAUSE
I NEVER HAD A FATHER.

I KNOW THAT'S WHY
I CAN'T RELATE TO MY SON.

GOT TO DEAL
WITH THIS BULLSHIT.

"OH, FATHER, WHY HAS THOU
FORSAKEN ME?"

OH, GROW A PAIR,
WHY DON'T YOU, JESUS?

BUT THE "N" WORD
WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH.

WE HAVE A PROBLEM WITH IT,

AND I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
PEOPLE STILL BELIEVE

THAT THERE ARE BAD WORDS,
YOU KNOW,

WHICH I DON'T THINK IS TRUE.

I DON'T THINK IT'S POSSIBLE
FOR THERE TO BE BAD WORDS,

BECAUSE WORDS DON'T HAVE
A CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM.

THEY CAN'T TAKE
INDEPENDENT ACTION

OR MAKE ETHICAL
OR MORAL DECISIONS.

THEY'RE JUST NOISES
WE MAKE.

THEY'RE JUST NOISES
THAT WE MAKE WITH OUR MOUTHS,

AND THEN WE ALL GET TOGETHER
AS A SOCIETY

AND AGREE ON
WHAT EACH NOISE MEANS.

WE GO, "THIS NOISE MEANS CHAIR.
SIT DOWN, RELAX."

THAT'S HOW LANGUAGE WORKS.

SO WHEN YOU SAY
"THE 'N' WORD,"

EVERYBODY STILL HEARS "NIGGER"
IN THEIR HEAD, RIGHT?

SO ALL YOU'VE DONE IS MADE
EVERYONE ELSE RESPONSIBLE

FOR HEARING IT.

AND THAT'S PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE,
AND STOP IT.

'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT INTENTIONS.

IT'S NOT JUST THE MEANINGS
OF THE WORDS,

'CAUSE, LIKE, IF ALL YOU HEAR
ARE THE WORDS I SAY

AND NOT WHAT I SAY
WITH THOSE WORDS,

THEN WE CAN'T COMMUNICATE,
RIGHT?

'CAUSE YOU CAN SAY
THE WORD.

YOU CAN SAY THE DREADED WORD
WITHOUT ME NECESSARILY THINKING

YOU BELIEVE IT'S
AN APPROPRIATE THING TO CALL

ANOTHER HUMAN BEING,
'CAUSE I DON'T THINK IT IS.

ALL RIGHT?
BUT I CAN HEAR SOMEONE SAY,

"I HEARD THIS PIECE OF SHIT
GOING ON AND ON

"ABOUT THE TROUBLE
WITH THE NIGGERS.

WHAT A PIECE OF SHIT
THAT GUY WAS."

I CAN HEAR THAT
AND THEN, LIKE SHERLOCK HOLMES,

FIGURE OUT FROM THE CONTEXT,
MAYBE YOU'RE NOT A RACIST.

BUT CONVERSELY, IF YOU SHOUT,
"HEY, YOU 'N' WORD,

GET AWAY FROM
THAT WHITE LADY!"

THAT DOESN'T MAKE
THE SENTIMENT OKAY.

'CAUSE IT'S ABOUT
YOUR INTENTIONS WITH THE WORDS.

IT'S ABOUT HOW YOU WANT
THE WORDS TO BE HEARD

AND INTERPRETED,
NOT THE WORDS THEMSELVES.

'CAUSE I WOULD LOVE TO THINK
THAT WE COULD REALLY DEAL A BLOW

TO RACISM BY JUST ALL SAYING
"THE 'N' WORD."

THAT WOULD BE FANTASTIC.
I'D BE ALL FOR IT.

AND WE COULD JUST MOVE ON
TO SOMETHING ELSE, RIGHT?

BE LIKE... LIKE LET'S DEAL
WITH VIOLENCE AGAINST WOMEN.

OKAY, FROM NOW ON, UH,

RAPE WILL BE THE "R" WORD.

OH, RETARDS ALREADY GOT THAT?
FUCK.

SORRY, LADIES.
THE VIOLENCE CONTINUES.

WE DID ALL WE COULD.

WE CHANGED THE WORD.

[sighs]

BUT THE "N" WORD.
SO IT'S...

IT'S ABOUT THIS CONFUSION
BETWEEN INTENTION AND MEANING.

AND I THINK, UH,
A REALLY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THAT

WAS WHEN A PUBLISHING HOUSE
DECIDED THEY WERE GONNA PUBLISH

A VERSION OF THE GREAT AMERICAN
NOVEL HUCKLEBERRY FINN,

UH, WHERE THEY WERE GOING TO,
UH, REMOVE EVERY USAGE

OF THE WORD "NIGGER"
IN THE BOOK,

UH, BECAUSE THEY CAN'T SELL
THE BOOK TO THE SCHOOLS

BECAUSE OF THIS, RIGHT?

WE USED TO STUDY IT IN SCHOOLS,
BUT WE DON'T ANYMORE

BECAUSE TEACHERS DON'T WANT
TO HAVE TO DEAL

WITH ANGRY PARENTS
COMING IN AND SAYING,

"WHY DOES MY CHILD HAVE TO READ
THIS HORRIBLE WORD?"

AND THEY DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE
TO DEAL WITH THE CHILDREN

ASKING QUESTIONS AND
INADVERTENTLY BECOMING EDUCATED.

SO SOMEONE HAD
THE BRILLIANT IDEA OF,

WHY DON'T WE JUST...
JUST TAKE THE WORD OUT?

WE TAKE THE WORD OUT,

AND WE CAN SELL
SOME FUCKING BOOKS.

WE'LL TAKE IT OUT.

AND I SORT OF SYMPATHIZE,
TO A CERTAIN EXTENT,

BECAUSE, I MEAN,
THE WORD, YOU KNOW,

HAS A LOT OF UGLY CONNOTATIONS
TO IT.

THE WORD HAS BEEN USED
TO... TO DEMEAN

AND DEHUMANIZE AND DIMINISH
OUR FELLOW HUMAN BEINGS

FOR A VERY LONG TIME.

THERE'S A LOT OF UGLINESS
CONNECTED TO THE WORD.

SO I UNDERSTAND THE...
THE DESIRE, RIGHT?

SO THEY SAID, ALL RIGHT,
LET'S TAKE THE WORD OUT

BECAUSE OF ITS CONNOTATIONS,

AND WE'LL REPLACE IT
WITH "SLAVE."

BECAUSE "SLAVE" HAS
ONLY POSITIVE CONNOTATIONS.

AND IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

NEXT TIME YOU SEE
AN ANGRY-LOOKING BLACK GUY,

JUST SHOUT OUT TO HIM,
"WHAT UP, MY SLAVE?"

YOU WATCH HIS FACE LIGHT UP.

AND, UH,
AND JUST BEFORE I GO,

I WANT TO TELL YOU
A STORY.

I WANT TO TELL YOU A STORY
ABOUT THE FIRST TIME

THAT I EVER DID THAT BIT,
THE BIT I JUST DID.

UH, I'LL CALL IT
THE "N" WORD BIT.

I DON'T WANT
TO OFFEND ANYBODY.

UM...

THE FIRST TIME I DID IT,

IT WAS ONE
OF MY FIRST ROAD GIGS,

UM, WHEN I STARTED
DOING STANDUP AGAIN.

AND I DID IT IN, UH,
IN ST. LOUIS.

female audience member:
[laughs hysterically]

I KNOW, I KNOW.

REMEMBER EARLIER,
WHEN I SAID I WAS SMART?

THAT WAS A JOKE.
I'M NOT VERY SMART.

[laughs]
I'M NOT VERY SMART.

BUT I DID IT IN ST. LOUIS,

AND, UM, AND LITERALLY
2/3 OF THE AUDIENCE

WALKED OUT.

2/3 OF THE AUDIENCE
WALKED OUT.

AND IT STARTED
WITH, LIKE, THIS...

THE FIRST TIME THE WORD "NIGGER"
DROPPED FROM MY LIPS,

SOMEBODY JUST LEAPT UP
AND WENT, "AAH!

BWAH! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!"

AND ONCE ONE PERSON
DOES THAT,

THEN EVERYBODY ELSE FIGURES,
WELL, I'D BETTER

"BWAH-WHOA" MY WAY OUT TOO.

I DON'T WANT PEOPLE THINKING
I'M ON HIS SIDE.

SO THEY KEPT LEAVING,
AND EVENTUALLY,

IT WAS JUST ME AND ALL
THE BLACK PEOPLE IN THE AUDIENCE

STARING AT EACH OTHER,
GOING, "I DON'T KNOW."

[laughter and applause]

AND...

[laughing]
ONE WOMAN...

ONE WOMAN WAS SO OFFENDED,

SHE WENT OUT INTO THE LOBBY,
AND SHE JUST KEPT SCREAMING,

"HE CAN'T SAY NIGGER!

"HE CAN'T SAY NIGGER!

NO! HE CAN'T SAY NIGGER!"

UNTIL EVENTUALLY, THE MANAGER
HAD TO COME UP TO HER AND SAY,

"MADAM, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP
SCREAMING NIGGER IN OUR LOBBY?"

AND THAT MADE ME VERY HAPPY.

AS HAVE ALL OF YOU TONIGHT.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN FABULOUS.

[cheers and applause]
THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE.

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR BEING HERE.

YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN GREAT.

[energetic rock music]

d d

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