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1
00:02:15,084 --> 00:02:17,783
I don't know why.
I've always been big on happy endings.
2
00:02:18,083 --> 00:02:20,783
To me, the most romantic,
beautiful love stories...
3
00:02:21,083 --> 00:02:23,582
...were the ones where
two people meet, fall in love...
4
00:02:23,982 --> 00:02:26,582
...then 50, 60 years later
one of them dies.
5
00:02:26,882 --> 00:02:28,881
A few days after, the other one dies...
6
00:02:29,281 --> 00:02:31,881
...because they just can't live
without each other.
7
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:37,180
Not that that's such a happy ending.
You got two dead people.
8
00:02:37,580 --> 00:02:40,179
That's how I thought things would be
for Katie and me.
9
00:02:40,979 --> 00:02:44,978
Not that we'd be dead,
but that we would be together forever.
10
00:02:48,378 --> 00:02:51,477
Now, High/Low.
Who wants to go first? Erin?
11
00:02:52,077 --> 00:02:56,176
Okay, my high today is that
I sat next to Austin Butler at lunch.
12
00:02:56,576 --> 00:02:58,476
- Nice.
- He has the three-legged dog?
13
00:02:58,676 --> 00:03:01,875
Joel has the three-legged dog.
Austin has the snoring turtle.
14
00:03:02,375 --> 00:03:03,375
And your low?
15
00:03:04,374 --> 00:03:06,574
- Camp.
What about camp?
16
00:03:07,174 --> 00:03:07,974
I don't know.
17
00:03:08,274 --> 00:03:10,373
You had such a good time last year.
18
00:03:10,773 --> 00:03:13,073
- I know.
What is it?
19
00:03:13,373 --> 00:03:16,272
Are you afraid you'll lose touch
with Austin?
20
00:03:17,172 --> 00:03:19,571
- I don't know.
You can write to each other.
21
00:03:19,871 --> 00:03:22,771
You can put X's and O's on there.
Guys love that, right?
22
00:03:23,171 --> 00:03:24,770
Can't get enough of it.
23
00:03:25,070 --> 00:03:26,670
Honey, you'll have a great time.
24
00:03:26,970 --> 00:03:29,270
What about you?
What was your high today?
25
00:03:29,570 --> 00:03:31,769
Gary Ellis' mom bought a new juicer...
26
00:03:32,169 --> 00:03:34,169
...and I went to his house
and drank a chicken.
27
00:03:35,968 --> 00:03:37,068
And your low?
28
00:03:37,468 --> 00:03:38,568
I don't have a low.
29
00:03:38,868 --> 00:03:40,267
You gotta have a low.
30
00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:43,567
I've been racking my brain.
I do not have a low.
31
00:03:43,867 --> 00:03:46,566
We'll enter the chicken smoothie
in the high and low category.
32
00:03:46,866 --> 00:03:47,866
How about you, Mama?
33
00:03:49,166 --> 00:03:52,865
I know. It's your anniversary.
What are you guys doing tomorrow?
34
00:03:53,265 --> 00:03:56,764
- I'm taking her to a romantic dinner...
- Dad's taking me dancing.
35
00:03:57,064 --> 00:03:58,564
...and possibly some dancing.
36
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:00,763
But you're right.
That is our high.
37
00:04:01,063 --> 00:04:02,963
I'd love to stick around for your low...
38
00:04:03,263 --> 00:04:04,963
...but Dodgers are playing Giants.
39
00:04:05,363 --> 00:04:06,162
Go.
40
00:04:06,362 --> 00:04:07,862
- Can I go too?
- Go.
41
00:04:18,060 --> 00:04:20,560
I really don't care what we do
tomorrow night.
42
00:04:22,159 --> 00:04:23,859
Even if we're
at different restaurants.
43
00:04:24,059 --> 00:04:28,658
Just as long as the kids see us leaving
together and coming home together.
44
00:04:32,957 --> 00:04:36,656
On our first anniversary,
I gave Ben a plastic spoon.
45
00:04:37,056 --> 00:04:39,756
You know, the takeout kind
from a Chinese restaurant?
46
00:04:40,156 --> 00:04:41,556
It was the one we had used...
47
00:04:41,855 --> 00:04:45,155
...when we shared our first bowl
of won ton soup in the park.
48
00:04:45,655 --> 00:04:47,354
He was afraid he'd lost it...
49
00:04:47,654 --> 00:04:49,654
...and I remember how his face lit up...
50
00:04:49,954 --> 00:04:53,253
...when he opened the jewelry box
I had wrapped it in.
51
00:04:55,853 --> 00:04:57,952
I keep asking myself:
52
00:04:58,352 --> 00:05:00,352
"When is that moment in a marriage...
53
00:05:00,652 --> 00:05:03,851
...when a spoon becomes just a spoon?"
54
00:05:21,648 --> 00:05:23,947
When I met Katie,
I wrote on a comedy show...
55
00:05:24,247 --> 00:05:26,447
...and she had been hired as a temp.
56
00:05:27,047 --> 00:05:31,046
I don't know. It's hard to explain.
There was an instant connection...
57
00:05:31,546 --> 00:05:34,745
...this simpatico.
I felt like she just got me.
58
00:05:35,045 --> 00:05:39,044
And there is no greater feeling
in this world than to feel gotten.
59
00:06:40,932 --> 00:06:42,932
The loudest silences are the ones...
60
00:06:43,232 --> 00:06:45,731
...filled with everything that's been said...
61
00:06:46,231 --> 00:06:48,631
...said wrong, said 300 times.
62
00:06:48,931 --> 00:06:50,430
You're not hearing me.
63
00:06:50,630 --> 00:06:52,230
You're so goddamn critical!
64
00:06:52,530 --> 00:06:54,630
It's hard with two kids.
I don't need a third.
65
00:06:54,930 --> 00:06:58,129
You're perfect, and I've done
nothing right in 15 years!
66
00:06:58,529 --> 00:06:59,529
You're not listening!
67
00:06:59,729 --> 00:07:01,228
You can't let go of anything!
68
00:07:01,528 --> 00:07:02,628
You never listen!
69
00:07:02,828 --> 00:07:04,428
You hold on to every thing!
70
00:07:04,728 --> 00:07:06,627
Why should you be responsible for anything?!
71
00:07:06,927 --> 00:07:08,927
You're critical of every fucking thing!
72
00:07:09,227 --> 00:07:11,126
I take care of everything here.
73
00:07:11,526 --> 00:07:12,426
- Fine!
- Fine!
74
00:07:12,626 --> 00:07:13,926
- Fine!
- Fine!
75
00:07:15,426 --> 00:07:18,825
Until fighting becomes the
condition rather than the exception.
76
00:07:19,125 --> 00:07:22,924
And suddenly, it turns into
the language of the relationship...
77
00:07:23,324 --> 00:07:27,723
...and your only option is
a silent retreat to neutral corners.
78
00:07:33,822 --> 00:07:35,722
Okay, are you a person?
Yes.
79
00:07:36,122 --> 00:07:37,121
Are you a man?
80
00:07:37,521 --> 00:07:39,321
- That's debatable.
- Debatable?
81
00:07:39,721 --> 00:07:41,421
- Do you have a mustache?
- A thick one.
82
00:07:41,720 --> 00:07:42,920
- Aunt Rose.
- Right.
83
00:07:44,320 --> 00:07:46,220
Good old Aunt "5:00 Shadow" Rose.
84
00:07:46,520 --> 00:07:49,519
God, it's almost 9.
We're gonna miss the camp bus.
85
00:07:50,019 --> 00:07:52,818
Now, that is what I call a mobile home.
86
00:07:53,118 --> 00:07:54,718
Can you get around it?
It's 5 to 9!
87
00:07:55,118 --> 00:07:58,117
- They must change their zip code a lot.
- It happens as we speak.
88
00:07:58,417 --> 00:08:00,917
Look. 91604. 91604.
89
00:08:01,317 --> 00:08:02,616
91605!
90
00:08:02,916 --> 00:08:05,116
- Pass it.
- Their mailman must go crazy.
91
00:08:05,516 --> 00:08:07,415
The kids will miss their bus.
92
00:08:07,715 --> 00:08:11,115
Up on the second floor!
Somebody's about to use the bathroom!
93
00:08:11,615 --> 00:08:13,414
We're in the line of fire!
94
00:08:13,714 --> 00:08:16,414
Would you just pass the goddamn house?!
95
00:08:24,412 --> 00:08:26,512
Look, the house is making a right.
96
00:08:29,511 --> 00:08:32,211
When I was in college,
we had to write a term paper.
97
00:08:32,511 --> 00:08:36,010
It was for some philosophy course
I was taking...
98
00:08:36,410 --> 00:08:38,609
...on any book we considered...
99
00:08:38,909 --> 00:08:42,309
...to be the one that best depicted
how we viewed the world.
100
00:08:42,609 --> 00:08:45,908
I remember some people picking books
by the great thinkers...
101
00:08:46,408 --> 00:08:49,907
...like Kierkegaard and Plato.
Some kids chose the Bible.
102
00:08:50,807 --> 00:08:53,706
I did my paper on
Harold and the Purple Crayon.
103
00:08:54,306 --> 00:08:56,406
It's a small book about a little boy...
104
00:08:56,706 --> 00:08:59,505
...who draws the world
the way he wants it to be...
105
00:08:59,805 --> 00:09:01,505
...with his magic crayon.
106
00:09:02,005 --> 00:09:05,204
And I just loved that book because...
107
00:09:05,604 --> 00:09:08,204
...it was about everything that I wasn't.
108
00:09:11,203 --> 00:09:13,203
You wanna write crossword puzzles?
109
00:09:13,603 --> 00:09:15,602
That's a job somebody wants to do?
110
00:09:16,002 --> 00:09:18,402
- Yes.
- And you'd get paid to do this?
111
00:09:18,702 --> 00:09:21,301
So you know stuff like Ra is the sun god.
112
00:09:21,601 --> 00:09:25,500
And the symbol for radium
and the abbreviation for regular army.
113
00:09:26,100 --> 00:09:28,000
Should I be impressed or terrified?
114
00:09:28,300 --> 00:09:30,099
I find it soothing and reassuring...
115
00:09:30,499 --> 00:09:32,699
...because you know
there are always answers.
116
00:09:32,999 --> 00:09:35,798
Yeah, but not to the really
big questions like:
117
00:09:36,098 --> 00:09:38,598
"Does God exist?"
"What is the meaning of life?"
118
00:09:38,898 --> 00:09:41,297
"Why does my pee smell funny
when I eat asparagus?"
119
00:09:41,697 --> 00:09:43,897
Aspartic acid, hence the name.
120
00:09:46,696 --> 00:09:48,396
And this soothes you?
121
00:09:48,796 --> 00:09:52,495
Yes, since you'll never find
the answers to the big questions...
122
00:09:52,895 --> 00:09:56,294
...there's a comfort in finding
the answers to the little ones.
123
00:09:56,894 --> 00:09:58,594
When you finish, there's this...
124
00:09:59,694 --> 00:10:01,793
...wonderful sense of closure, knowing...
125
00:10:02,193 --> 00:10:05,792
...that that little world
on that half-page is complete.
126
00:10:12,491 --> 00:10:14,291
You left yourself wide open.
127
00:10:16,690 --> 00:10:18,290
Come to Papa!
128
00:10:19,490 --> 00:10:21,489
But the problem in a marriage is...
129
00:10:21,789 --> 00:10:25,789
...if one person is always Harold,
drawing the world the way they want...
130
00:10:26,288 --> 00:10:30,688
...the other person has no choice
but to draw it the way it is.
131
00:10:31,288 --> 00:10:34,287
Which is why they never wrote a book
about Harold's wife.
132
00:10:34,587 --> 00:10:36,287
- They're leaving!
- They're not!
133
00:10:40,486 --> 00:10:41,885
Grab your bags!
134
00:10:42,985 --> 00:10:44,285
Wait! Wait!
135
00:10:45,185 --> 00:10:46,285
Hold it!
136
00:10:46,685 --> 00:10:47,984
Two more coming!
137
00:10:49,184 --> 00:10:51,684
- Thank you, Marty.
- No problem.
138
00:10:52,883 --> 00:10:55,183
I love you.
Have a great time.
139
00:10:55,683 --> 00:10:57,083
All right, kid.
Bye, Dad.
140
00:10:57,682 --> 00:11:00,182
Take your sister's bag.
Have a great time.
141
00:11:00,582 --> 00:11:01,882
Love you.
142
00:11:08,980 --> 00:11:11,080
I love you.
I love you.
143
00:11:12,280 --> 00:11:13,779
- Bye.
- Bye, honey.
144
00:11:58,771 --> 00:12:00,170
Okay.
145
00:12:01,770 --> 00:12:05,269
If you need me for anything,
I'll be at the Oceana.
146
00:12:06,369 --> 00:12:08,969
Anything comes up with the kids,
give me a call.
147
00:12:09,268 --> 00:12:10,768
Of course.
148
00:12:14,867 --> 00:12:17,267
Isn't this the moment
where one of us says:
149
00:12:17,567 --> 00:12:19,766
"This is ridiculous.
We love each other.
150
00:12:20,166 --> 00:12:23,166
All couples go through this.
Let's give it another try"?
151
00:12:46,761 --> 00:12:48,761
My ass was on television this morning.
152
00:12:50,460 --> 00:12:51,360
What are you telling us?
153
00:12:51,760 --> 00:12:53,560
I'm telling you,
my ass was on TV.
154
00:12:53,860 --> 00:12:55,659
That's right. That was that special.
155
00:12:56,059 --> 00:12:58,959
"The Kennedy Center Salutes
50 Years of Stan's Ass."
156
00:12:59,259 --> 00:13:02,458
I went to the doctor, he took a tube
with a little camera on it...
157
00:13:02,958 --> 00:13:06,557
...stuck it up my ass and we
watched it on a monitor in his office.
158
00:13:07,057 --> 00:13:08,857
- You had a sigmoidoscopy.
- Exactly.
159
00:13:09,257 --> 00:13:11,456
That's different
than your ass being on TV.
160
00:13:11,856 --> 00:13:13,456
- How?
First of all...
161
00:13:13,656 --> 00:13:15,456
...a network can't cancel your ass.
162
00:13:15,856 --> 00:13:17,055
Point well taken.
163
00:13:17,455 --> 00:13:19,855
What demographics
do you hope to knock down...
164
00:13:20,155 --> 00:13:22,254
...with that big crack winking at you?
165
00:13:22,654 --> 00:13:25,954
We're in public. Can we
elevate the level of conversation?
166
00:13:26,353 --> 00:13:27,553
- Fine with me.
- Good.
167
00:13:27,753 --> 00:13:30,253
I jerked off to your secretary.
Do you mind?
168
00:13:30,653 --> 00:13:32,252
- Why should I mind?
I don't know.
169
00:13:32,552 --> 00:13:34,652
I wanna forge ahead
with a clear conscience.
170
00:13:34,952 --> 00:13:36,052
Pound away.
171
00:13:36,452 --> 00:13:37,651
You're a good friend.
172
00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:42,350
Larry wanted to have sex last night.
He even gave me the 30-second massage.
173
00:13:42,850 --> 00:13:46,250
You mean the "I really care
that you had a bad day" back rub...
174
00:13:46,750 --> 00:13:48,749
...that stops just before you relax...
175
00:13:49,049 --> 00:13:51,749
...then quickly heads south
towards the promised land?
176
00:13:52,148 --> 00:13:53,348
So did you make love?
177
00:13:53,748 --> 00:13:56,148
- I was too tired.
How'd you get out of it?
178
00:13:56,448 --> 00:13:58,647
I pretended to fall asleep
during the massage.
179
00:13:58,947 --> 00:14:00,447
I did that heavy breathing thing.
180
00:14:00,847 --> 00:14:02,546
So he thinks you're in deep REM?
181
00:14:02,846 --> 00:14:05,546
But it backfired
because when I really fell asleep...
182
00:14:05,846 --> 00:14:09,245
...the baby started crying,
then Larry pretended he was asleep.
183
00:14:09,645 --> 00:14:12,944
Fool! If he had just gotten up
with the baby, you would've...
184
00:14:13,344 --> 00:14:16,744
...opened the gates and welcomed
the troops home for Christmas.
185
00:14:17,044 --> 00:14:18,343
In a heartbeat.
186
00:14:18,743 --> 00:14:20,343
What's up with you and Charlene?
187
00:14:20,643 --> 00:14:22,743
Oh, we had a great night last night.
188
00:14:23,042 --> 00:14:25,342
And you still claim you're not cheating?
189
00:14:25,642 --> 00:14:27,742
I maintain that with every fiber of my being.
190
00:14:28,041 --> 00:14:29,441
On-line sex isn't cheating.
191
00:14:29,741 --> 00:14:30,841
How do you figure?
192
00:14:31,041 --> 00:14:34,040
It's 3 a. m., your wife and kids
are sleeping upstairs...
193
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:37,340
...and you're downstairs
fucking some bimbo in cyberspace.
194
00:14:37,840 --> 00:14:41,039
First of all, we're not fucking.
We're typing.
195
00:14:41,439 --> 00:14:43,638
Second, and this is me taking umbrage...
196
00:14:43,938 --> 00:14:46,338
...Charlene is not some bimbo.
197
00:14:46,638 --> 00:14:48,338
She's a stockbroker named Ralph...
198
00:14:48,637 --> 00:14:50,737
...pretending to be some bimbo
named Charlene.
199
00:14:51,037 --> 00:14:52,837
Why piss on something so beautiful?
200
00:14:53,936 --> 00:14:54,836
What'd I say?
201
00:14:55,136 --> 00:14:56,236
It's not an affair.
202
00:14:56,536 --> 00:14:59,135
Teresa never had sex with him.
They just kissed.
203
00:14:59,635 --> 00:15:02,435
- A kiss is an affair.
- You think so?
204
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:03,635
Absolutely.
205
00:15:03,935 --> 00:15:07,434
Once you establish anything
truly intimate with another person...
206
00:15:07,734 --> 00:15:09,333
...even talking...
207
00:15:09,633 --> 00:15:12,833
...it affects the person you're
the most intimate with.
208
00:15:13,133 --> 00:15:16,632
But Teresa could fuck her husband,
she just couldn't kiss him.
209
00:15:17,132 --> 00:15:18,532
I mean, really kiss him.
210
00:15:18,932 --> 00:15:20,031
It's not so crazy.
211
00:15:20,231 --> 00:15:22,731
Sometimes I'm so angry at Stan,
I could fuck him...
212
00:15:23,131 --> 00:15:24,930
...but I don't want
that cow tongue near me.
213
00:15:25,230 --> 00:15:28,430
A kiss can be so much more
intimate than sex.
214
00:15:29,230 --> 00:15:30,229
Why is that?
215
00:15:30,529 --> 00:15:33,629
Because fucking means
"Yeah, I love you." But a kiss...
216
00:15:34,029 --> 00:15:36,228
A kiss means "I like you."
217
00:15:37,328 --> 00:15:39,128
That's so right.
218
00:15:39,728 --> 00:15:43,927
I haven't made out, I mean,
really made out with Larry for years.
219
00:15:44,527 --> 00:15:45,826
Doesn't that make you sad?
220
00:15:46,526 --> 00:15:47,726
Not really.
221
00:15:49,026 --> 00:15:49,926
Why?
222
00:15:50,925 --> 00:15:52,125
I don't know.
223
00:15:52,325 --> 00:15:55,524
Because it's inevitable.
It's the wear and tear of the job.
224
00:15:55,924 --> 00:15:58,124
The diapers, the tantrums, the homework.
225
00:15:58,424 --> 00:16:00,823
The kingdom, species, your mom, his mom.
226
00:16:01,123 --> 00:16:04,223
Suddenly, all you're aware of is,
the wet towels on the floor...
227
00:16:04,623 --> 00:16:07,222
...he hogs the remote, and
he scratches his back with a fork.
228
00:16:07,622 --> 00:16:11,121
And you come face to face with
the truth that it's impossible...
229
00:16:11,421 --> 00:16:14,021
...to kiss a person who leaves
the new roll of toilet paper...
230
00:16:14,321 --> 00:16:16,320
...on top of the empty cardboard roll!
231
00:16:16,720 --> 00:16:20,120
God forbid he takes the two seconds
to actually replace it!
232
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:22,919
Does he not see it?!
233
00:16:23,719 --> 00:16:27,518
I'm telling you, marriage is
the Jack Kevorkian of romance.
234
00:16:30,818 --> 00:16:32,317
Oh, God!
235
00:16:35,717 --> 00:16:37,216
Jesus! Shit!
236
00:16:37,816 --> 00:16:39,316
He hit me!
I didn't!
237
00:16:39,616 --> 00:16:42,115
I was leaving the room,
she stood in my way.
238
00:16:42,415 --> 00:16:44,415
- He did it on purpose.
- Guys, hold on!
239
00:16:45,815 --> 00:16:46,615
Hello?
240
00:16:47,014 --> 00:16:48,014
Ben? What?!
241
00:16:49,814 --> 00:16:53,013
Katie, you won't believe
what I'm standing in front of.
242
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,513
They're tearing down our old apartment.
243
00:16:55,913 --> 00:16:57,013
- What?
- See?!
244
00:16:57,312 --> 00:16:58,612
Josh, did you hit her?
245
00:16:59,012 --> 00:17:00,312
She started it!
246
00:17:00,612 --> 00:17:02,811
I told her never to come in my room
without asking.
247
00:17:03,111 --> 00:17:04,911
It's heading for Mrs. Gutierrez's.
248
00:17:05,311 --> 00:17:06,511
There goes her window!
249
00:17:06,811 --> 00:17:08,710
You borrowed her Discman without asking?!
250
00:17:09,010 --> 00:17:10,910
Yeah, but she was done with it.
251
00:17:11,310 --> 00:17:13,509
She hasn't used the Discman in two days!
252
00:17:15,009 --> 00:17:18,408
Just hit Jack Roikman's place.
Remember his patriotic orgasms?
253
00:17:18,908 --> 00:17:22,108
"God bless America! God bless America!
Land that I love!"
254
00:17:22,508 --> 00:17:24,107
Can't you let him use yours?
255
00:17:24,407 --> 00:17:26,107
No! He never lets me use it!
256
00:17:26,707 --> 00:17:29,006
Ben, I can't talk right now.
257
00:17:29,306 --> 00:17:32,906
This is where you and I started.
This is where we became an "us."
258
00:17:34,705 --> 00:17:37,305
Just hit where we used to
measure the kids' heights.
259
00:17:37,705 --> 00:17:41,204
Ben, I- Josh, you shouldn't have
hit your sister. No TV for a week.
260
00:17:41,604 --> 00:17:42,804
You're so unfair!
261
00:17:43,104 --> 00:17:44,303
Wait until I tell Dad!
262
00:17:45,903 --> 00:17:48,403
Jesus Christ! I gotta go!
Are you okay?
263
00:17:48,702 --> 00:17:49,902
Katie!
264
00:17:50,302 --> 00:17:51,602
Katie!
265
00:17:52,702 --> 00:17:54,001
Goddamn it!
266
00:17:55,301 --> 00:17:56,901
Fantasizing isn't cheating?
267
00:17:57,301 --> 00:18:00,100
Oh, please! Who is getting hurt?
268
00:18:00,400 --> 00:18:03,000
Yesterday, I met this
stunning blond woman...
269
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:05,499
...at the Beverly Center food court.
270
00:18:05,899 --> 00:18:08,499
She had a little ring in the bellybutton.
271
00:18:08,899 --> 00:18:10,298
But you know what?
272
00:18:10,598 --> 00:18:13,498
I forgave her because
it wasn't in her eyebrow or tongue.
273
00:18:13,898 --> 00:18:15,497
Beautiful. We start chatting...
274
00:18:15,797 --> 00:18:18,997
...and we strike up a conversation,
waiting for our turkey.
275
00:18:19,396 --> 00:18:21,996
I'm telling you, she's smiling, I'm smiling...
276
00:18:22,296 --> 00:18:24,296
...and just that 30-second encounter...
277
00:18:24,595 --> 00:18:28,195
...will do wonders for me when
I'm shaking hands with the sheriff.
278
00:18:28,495 --> 00:18:30,494
I know exactly what
you're talking about.
279
00:18:30,894 --> 00:18:32,794
- Am I wrong?
- No, you're right!
280
00:18:33,194 --> 00:18:36,093
The other day, I told a joke
to this intriguing woman...
281
00:18:36,593 --> 00:18:38,093
...that I met at the cleaners.
282
00:18:38,293 --> 00:18:40,892
If this were the '30s, she'd be a Communist...
283
00:18:41,292 --> 00:18:43,192
...or at least a Communist sympathizer.
284
00:18:43,592 --> 00:18:46,791
But the point is, the way
she laughed at that joke...
285
00:18:47,091 --> 00:18:49,691
...reminded me of how Rachel
used to laugh at my jokes.
286
00:18:50,091 --> 00:18:51,790
You gonna follow up?
287
00:18:52,090 --> 00:18:53,290
I could never do that.
288
00:18:53,690 --> 00:18:57,589
I think the Ten Commandments were
probably a lot easier to stick to...
289
00:18:57,889 --> 00:18:59,689
...when you dropped dead at 35.
290
00:18:59,989 --> 00:19:02,088
I mean, we-
They should be amended.
291
00:19:02,488 --> 00:19:04,488
A little amendment, like the Constitution.
292
00:19:04,888 --> 00:19:08,587
"Thou shalt not covet
thy neighbor's house, wife or ass.
293
00:19:09,587 --> 00:19:12,686
But if you have to covet
your neighbor's wife's ass...
294
00:19:13,186 --> 00:19:15,086
...don't do it in thy neighbor's house."
295
00:19:15,386 --> 00:19:18,985
A simple amendment, two-thirds
majority, slide through both Houses.
296
00:19:19,285 --> 00:19:22,984
Seriously, name me one guy you know
who's never cheated on his wife.
297
00:19:23,484 --> 00:19:24,784
I wasn't cheating!
298
00:19:25,084 --> 00:19:29,083
I walk into your office,
and I hear you telling some Sara...
299
00:19:29,383 --> 00:19:33,682
...intimate details about our
relationship, about our problems.
300
00:19:34,182 --> 00:19:37,181
Obviously there's something going on
between you and her.
301
00:19:37,681 --> 00:19:40,381
Nothing is going on between us!
We were just talking!
302
00:19:40,681 --> 00:19:42,680
About us?! About our life?!
303
00:19:42,980 --> 00:19:44,780
We were just talking!
304
00:19:45,180 --> 00:19:47,779
That's not talking!
That's a relationship!
305
00:19:48,079 --> 00:19:50,979
Why didn't you tell me about her
if there's nothing to hide?
306
00:19:51,279 --> 00:19:53,378
I just needed somebody to talk to!
307
00:19:53,678 --> 00:19:56,878
Bullshit! Why didn't you talk to me?!
308
00:19:57,377 --> 00:19:58,977
Mommy, I need a drink of water!
309
00:19:59,777 --> 00:20:01,177
I'll be right there!
310
00:20:01,577 --> 00:20:03,476
You wanna know why I don't talk to you?
311
00:20:03,776 --> 00:20:07,276
You treat me like I'm a big pain
in the ass that gets in the way...
312
00:20:07,775 --> 00:20:10,775
...of what otherwise would be
a normal, organized life!
313
00:20:11,175 --> 00:20:14,474
Have you ever thought that
everything isn't always about you?
314
00:20:15,274 --> 00:20:19,473
Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm dealing
with 5000 things all day long!
315
00:20:19,873 --> 00:20:22,673
Maybe every need you have
doesn't have to be met...
316
00:20:22,972 --> 00:20:26,272
...at the exact moment
you need it to be met!
317
00:20:27,072 --> 00:20:29,171
God, we have actual kids here, Ben.
318
00:20:29,471 --> 00:20:31,471
I am not a third child!
319
00:20:31,771 --> 00:20:34,570
I am not talking about having
each of my needs met!
320
00:20:34,870 --> 00:20:36,570
I'm talking about a connection!
321
00:20:36,870 --> 00:20:40,969
A look! Something that says
that we're on the same side here!
322
00:20:41,669 --> 00:20:43,568
Why don't you talk to your girlfriend?
323
00:20:43,868 --> 00:20:46,968
I'm sure she can help us
get back on the same side.
324
00:20:55,066 --> 00:20:58,466
To have a happy marriage is to accept
the chasm between men and women.
325
00:20:58,865 --> 00:20:59,865
Which is?
326
00:21:00,165 --> 00:21:01,965
He can mend a fight with sex.
327
00:21:02,265 --> 00:21:04,464
She can't have sex
until the fight's resolved.
328
00:21:05,064 --> 00:21:05,964
Why is that?
329
00:21:06,264 --> 00:21:08,664
It's the difference between
the penis and the vagina.
330
00:21:09,064 --> 00:21:12,663
A penis is a thruster,
a battering ram, if you will.
331
00:21:13,063 --> 00:21:15,962
Even if it's mad, it can ram.
Sometimes it even helps.
332
00:21:16,262 --> 00:21:18,762
It's the "mad-ram principle."
However, the vagina...
333
00:21:19,062 --> 00:21:20,261
The vagina!
334
00:21:21,561 --> 00:21:26,160
The vagina has to be relaxed
in order to open and receive.
335
00:21:26,560 --> 00:21:29,060
It can't be a gracious hostess
in a state of anger.
336
00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:31,359
That goes for blowjobs and kissing too.
337
00:21:31,559 --> 00:21:36,258
Every female point of entry needs
to know that the penis is coming...
338
00:21:36,858 --> 00:21:38,158
...in peace.
339
00:21:38,358 --> 00:21:40,557
- Do you have Sweet'N Low?
Is Equal okay?
340
00:21:40,857 --> 00:21:41,957
Whatever.
341
00:21:47,256 --> 00:21:50,455
I've always felt no matter what
we were going through...
342
00:21:50,755 --> 00:21:52,455
...no matter how painful things got...
343
00:21:52,755 --> 00:21:54,955
...if our feet found each other
under the blankets...
344
00:21:55,255 --> 00:21:57,254
...even just the slightest connection...
345
00:21:57,554 --> 00:22:00,254
...it'd tell us we'd entered
the demilitarized zone...
346
00:22:00,553 --> 00:22:04,153
...that we were gonna be okay,
that we were still an "us."
347
00:22:06,252 --> 00:22:10,052
There are some hurts that you
never completely get over.
348
00:22:10,652 --> 00:22:14,351
And you think that time will diminish
their presence...
349
00:22:14,851 --> 00:22:16,850
...and to a degree it does...
350
00:22:17,450 --> 00:22:19,950
...but it still hurts because, well...
351
00:22:21,849 --> 00:22:23,449
...hurt hurts.
352
00:22:28,148 --> 00:22:29,548
If you lose your room key...
353
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:31,547
...contact the front desk.
354
00:22:31,847 --> 00:22:35,047
And if you've got valuables,
keep them in the hotel safe.
355
00:22:35,447 --> 00:22:36,846
It's complimentary.
356
00:22:37,046 --> 00:22:39,746
For family dining,
how about a pizza poolside...
357
00:22:40,246 --> 00:22:42,345
...from our Wolfgang Puck Caf�?
358
00:22:42,645 --> 00:22:45,345
Then it's a quick walk to
the Santa Monica Pier and beach.
359
00:22:45,645 --> 00:22:49,744
When the kids are acting up,
the waves will set them straight.
360
00:23:05,241 --> 00:23:07,740
The Patriot is proof positive...
361
00:23:08,040 --> 00:23:10,040
...that missile defense works.
362
00:23:10,340 --> 00:23:12,639
As we've been taught by Saddam Hussein...
363
00:23:12,939 --> 00:23:17,039
Something about how that man says
"Saddam" makes me want you even more.
364
00:23:29,736 --> 00:23:31,036
Oh, my God!
365
00:23:31,736 --> 00:23:33,735
- The tooth fairy.
- Where?
366
00:23:34,035 --> 00:23:37,135
Josh's tooth. We forgot to put
money under his pillow.
367
00:23:37,535 --> 00:23:40,534
Josh is asleep. I'm sure
this can wait a few minutes.
368
00:23:40,834 --> 00:23:43,433
No, no, baby, we might forget later.
369
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:47,633
Who goes?
370
00:23:48,333 --> 00:23:49,832
Rock, paper, scissors!
371
00:23:50,132 --> 00:23:51,332
Shit!
372
00:23:54,431 --> 00:23:58,231
Mr. President, I'm entrusting you
with my soon-to-be-naked wife.
373
00:23:58,631 --> 00:24:00,230
Take care of her, the country.
374
00:24:01,130 --> 00:24:02,230
My love to Barbara.
375
00:24:02,530 --> 00:24:04,129
I'll be right back.
376
00:24:04,429 --> 00:24:05,529
- Ben!
- What?
377
00:24:13,528 --> 00:24:15,027
I'll be right back!
378
00:25:05,118 --> 00:25:08,717
Everything that's important in
the world is in this bed right now.
379
00:25:12,516 --> 00:25:14,016
I love you.
380
00:25:15,516 --> 00:25:16,715
I love you.
381
00:25:49,209 --> 00:25:52,808
You've reached the home
of Jordan, Jordan, Jordan and Jordan.
382
00:25:53,308 --> 00:25:54,908
Nary a Jordan is present now.
383
00:25:55,208 --> 00:25:58,007
If you wanna leave a message
for Katie, Ben, Josh or Erin...
384
00:25:58,407 --> 00:26:00,707
...what better time than...
385
00:26:03,706 --> 00:26:05,106
Hi, it's me.
386
00:26:05,506 --> 00:26:08,105
I'm just calling to see
how the kids are doing.
387
00:26:08,505 --> 00:26:10,705
See if you got any post cards
from them.
388
00:26:11,205 --> 00:26:13,804
Anything comes up,
you can give me a call.
389
00:26:15,704 --> 00:26:16,904
Bye-bye.
390
00:26:32,801 --> 00:26:34,900
- Hello?
- Hi.
391
00:26:35,200 --> 00:26:36,100
Hi.
392
00:26:37,300 --> 00:26:41,299
Listen, I just got your message.
I was in the shower when you called.
393
00:26:42,599 --> 00:26:44,698
The kids seem to be doing really well.
394
00:26:45,098 --> 00:26:47,398
I just put the post cards in an envelope.
395
00:26:48,198 --> 00:26:50,497
You should be getting them tomorrow.
396
00:26:50,897 --> 00:26:51,897
Good.
397
00:26:54,596 --> 00:26:55,496
You okay?
398
00:26:56,196 --> 00:26:58,596
Yeah, I'm okay. You okay?
399
00:26:59,295 --> 00:27:00,795
Yeah, I'm okay.
400
00:27:03,895 --> 00:27:04,994
Okay.
401
00:27:08,094 --> 00:27:09,193
Bye.
402
00:27:11,193 --> 00:27:12,393
Bye.
403
00:27:51,185 --> 00:27:51,985
Hello?
404
00:27:53,485 --> 00:27:54,485
It's me.
405
00:27:55,884 --> 00:27:56,884
Hi.
406
00:27:59,484 --> 00:28:00,583
How are you?
407
00:28:00,883 --> 00:28:02,883
I'm good. Yeah, really good.
408
00:28:03,283 --> 00:28:04,283
Good.
409
00:28:04,683 --> 00:28:05,882
What's up?
410
00:28:07,582 --> 00:28:08,582
What's up?
411
00:28:08,882 --> 00:28:09,982
Oh...
412
00:28:11,481 --> 00:28:15,681
I was thinking about the upstairs
bathroom, and I wanted to remind you...
413
00:28:16,080 --> 00:28:18,280
...to schedule that guy to recaulk the tub.
414
00:28:18,680 --> 00:28:20,580
I've already done it.
415
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:21,879
Oh.
416
00:28:22,879 --> 00:28:23,979
Well.
417
00:28:24,379 --> 00:28:25,479
Good.
418
00:28:26,478 --> 00:28:27,678
Okay...
419
00:28:29,678 --> 00:28:31,178
Then...
420
00:28:32,677 --> 00:28:33,577
...bye.
421
00:28:34,377 --> 00:28:35,477
Bye.
422
00:28:50,874 --> 00:28:51,674
Hello?
423
00:28:52,173 --> 00:28:56,273
I'm calling to see if you remember
the name of that tree surgeon we used.
424
00:28:56,973 --> 00:28:57,872
Joey Bishop.
425
00:28:58,672 --> 00:29:00,372
Yeah, but no.
426
00:29:01,072 --> 00:29:03,371
- But it was one of those Rat Pack guys.
- Right.
427
00:29:03,671 --> 00:29:04,571
Frank Sinatra?
428
00:29:05,471 --> 00:29:06,771
Dean Martin?
429
00:29:07,171 --> 00:29:08,370
Sammy Davis Jr.?
430
00:29:08,670 --> 00:29:10,970
That's it! Joey Davis Jr.
431
00:29:11,270 --> 00:29:13,669
Joey Davis Jr., the tree surgeon.
432
00:29:13,969 --> 00:29:16,769
I can still see the sign
on that blue truck of his.
433
00:29:17,169 --> 00:29:19,668
Right. Okay, thanks.
434
00:29:20,468 --> 00:29:21,668
Okay.
435
00:29:22,668 --> 00:29:23,467
Bye.
436
00:29:23,867 --> 00:29:26,767
Listen, your shirts came back from the cleaners.
437
00:29:29,566 --> 00:29:32,266
Cool. I'll come by and get them.
438
00:29:32,666 --> 00:29:34,265
I can drop them off.
439
00:29:34,465 --> 00:29:37,165
It's fine. I'll be happy to come and get them.
440
00:29:37,665 --> 00:29:38,964
What would be a good time?
441
00:29:40,164 --> 00:29:41,464
I don't know...
442
00:29:41,664 --> 00:29:44,463
Why don't you come over tomorrow?
I'll be home by 7.
443
00:29:44,963 --> 00:29:46,263
You can stay for dinner.
444
00:29:47,563 --> 00:29:48,463
You sure?
445
00:29:49,062 --> 00:29:50,362
No.
446
00:29:51,462 --> 00:29:52,562
Okay.
447
00:29:53,062 --> 00:29:54,461
See you tomorrow.
448
00:32:00,337 --> 00:32:01,137
Hi.
449
00:32:02,137 --> 00:32:03,236
Hi.
450
00:32:06,836 --> 00:32:08,135
You look like...
451
00:32:09,135 --> 00:32:10,135
...like you.
452
00:32:12,734 --> 00:32:14,234
You too.
453
00:32:21,933 --> 00:32:25,532
I guess I could stand on the porch
all night. I've seen the house.
454
00:32:25,932 --> 00:32:29,931
How many times have we said,
"We should use this porch more often"?
455
00:32:30,231 --> 00:32:33,830
Come in. My house is literally your house.
456
00:32:34,230 --> 00:32:35,030
Thank you.
457
00:32:40,029 --> 00:32:43,229
- There's my dry cleaning.
- Yeah, I left it out for you.
458
00:32:43,828 --> 00:32:46,128
Good. I'll remember to take it with me.
459
00:32:46,428 --> 00:32:48,927
Because I could put it
in the closet, but I-
460
00:32:49,327 --> 00:32:50,227
No, no.
461
00:32:50,527 --> 00:32:52,927
That is perfect
dry cleaning placement.
462
00:32:54,826 --> 00:32:56,826
- You want a drink?
- You want something-?
463
00:32:58,626 --> 00:33:00,025
- Want some wine?
- Yeah.
464
00:33:01,325 --> 00:33:03,225
I think I remember where it is.
465
00:33:04,024 --> 00:33:06,624
- If memory serves, you like red wine.
- Right.
466
00:33:07,024 --> 00:33:09,123
Yeah, it's all coming back to me.
467
00:33:11,923 --> 00:33:14,522
Wine is breathing a lot better than I am.
468
00:33:18,622 --> 00:33:19,621
So, hey...
469
00:33:19,921 --> 00:33:22,521
You'll never believe what I did last night.
470
00:33:22,821 --> 00:33:25,120
I attempted to do one of your crosswords.
471
00:33:25,520 --> 00:33:27,620
- No.
- Yes.
472
00:33:28,220 --> 00:33:29,220
I have a question.
473
00:33:29,719 --> 00:33:32,519
What was 3 down?
Just couldn't get it.
474
00:33:32,819 --> 00:33:35,818
Four letters, "Feeling of
psychological discomfort."
475
00:33:36,918 --> 00:33:38,018
Blah.
476
00:33:39,418 --> 00:33:40,717
Blah.
477
00:33:43,517 --> 00:33:44,617
Cheers.
478
00:33:45,116 --> 00:33:46,116
Cheers.
479
00:33:58,414 --> 00:33:59,714
Was this always here?
480
00:34:00,114 --> 00:34:02,213
No, I bought it last week.
481
00:34:04,613 --> 00:34:07,512
Any other new appliances
I should know about?
482
00:34:08,312 --> 00:34:11,011
Well, as long as we're spilling our guts here...
483
00:34:11,411 --> 00:34:14,111
...I also got this new garlic press.
484
00:34:14,711 --> 00:34:18,210
The body's not even cold,
and she's out buying garlic presses.
485
00:34:30,808 --> 00:34:32,507
How do you think the kids are?
486
00:34:32,907 --> 00:34:35,307
From the cards, it sounds like they're good.
487
00:34:35,607 --> 00:34:37,806
I think Erin misses us, but she's okay.
488
00:34:38,606 --> 00:34:40,306
Yeah. She seems okay.
489
00:34:41,006 --> 00:34:42,005
You think she's okay?
490
00:34:42,405 --> 00:34:43,805
I think she's okay.
491
00:34:44,105 --> 00:34:46,904
Because I think she senses
that we're not okay...
492
00:34:47,804 --> 00:34:50,104
...and Parents' Weekend is coming.
493
00:34:52,503 --> 00:34:54,503
We'll just have to give her...
494
00:34:54,803 --> 00:34:57,102
...a lot of extra attention...
495
00:34:57,502 --> 00:34:58,802
...and really love her up.
496
00:34:59,702 --> 00:35:00,802
Yeah.
497
00:35:09,900 --> 00:35:10,800
Should we eat?
498
00:35:11,000 --> 00:35:12,599
Yeah, I could eat.
499
00:35:16,899 --> 00:35:18,498
This is really good.
500
00:35:18,798 --> 00:35:19,898
Thanks.
501
00:35:23,497 --> 00:35:24,697
High/Low?
502
00:35:24,997 --> 00:35:25,997
Sure.
503
00:35:26,997 --> 00:35:27,797
Your high?
504
00:35:28,796 --> 00:35:30,096
- Honestly?
- Yeah.
505
00:35:31,696 --> 00:35:32,796
Right now.
506
00:35:34,695 --> 00:35:36,095
And your low?
507
00:35:38,294 --> 00:35:40,694
Every minute of the last two weeks.
508
00:35:42,694 --> 00:35:43,693
How about you?
509
00:35:46,093 --> 00:35:50,492
My high would have to be the Cuisinart
because I wanted it ever so badly.
510
00:35:50,792 --> 00:35:52,092
And your low?
511
00:35:53,392 --> 00:35:57,091
The garlic press. It's not nearly
as handy as I thought it'd be.
512
00:35:57,691 --> 00:36:00,790
I lay myself open, and you mock me
with kitchenware.
513
00:36:01,190 --> 00:36:04,089
All the while making me
more attractive to you.
514
00:36:06,289 --> 00:36:07,589
Is that your intention?
515
00:36:12,688 --> 00:36:14,287
I'm not sure.
516
00:36:15,687 --> 00:36:16,687
Well...
517
00:36:17,487 --> 00:36:18,787
It's working.
518
00:36:47,181 --> 00:36:49,981
It looks like I haven't been
doing too much reading.
519
00:36:55,579 --> 00:36:58,879
Okay, I'm ready. How about you?
520
00:36:59,979 --> 00:37:01,678
- I...
- What?
521
00:37:02,878 --> 00:37:04,978
Come on. Remember what Dr. Tischner said:
522
00:37:05,278 --> 00:37:08,677
"If you had it once,
you can always get it back."
523
00:37:09,277 --> 00:37:13,176
Was that Dr. Tischner
or was that Dr. Hopkins?
524
00:37:14,176 --> 00:37:14,976
Hopkins?
525
00:37:15,176 --> 00:37:16,875
The one with the sibilant "S."
526
00:37:17,175 --> 00:37:17,975
Right.
527
00:37:19,575 --> 00:37:21,974
Wrong. It was a lateral lisp.
528
00:37:22,274 --> 00:37:24,774
Sex is simply a symbolic expression...
529
00:37:25,074 --> 00:37:27,773
...of the emotional status
of a relationship.
530
00:37:28,373 --> 00:37:33,172
Sustained lack of sex is
symptomatic of disassociation.
531
00:37:33,872 --> 00:37:36,571
No, the one with the lateral lisp
was Dr. Rifkin.
532
00:37:36,971 --> 00:37:40,871
Dr. Hopkins was the one with the
Rorschach birthmark on his forehead.
533
00:37:41,371 --> 00:37:44,770
It looked like California. How could
you pay attention to what he said?
534
00:37:45,170 --> 00:37:47,969
This cycle of closeness, then estrangement...
535
00:37:48,369 --> 00:37:49,869
...you've both told me about...
536
00:37:50,069 --> 00:37:53,268
...what instigates it?
First thing that comes to your mind.
537
00:37:53,668 --> 00:37:55,668
- Sacramento.
- Governor Gray Davis.
538
00:37:56,268 --> 00:38:00,667
My personal favorite was the Freudian
with the prostate problem.
539
00:38:01,867 --> 00:38:03,466
When two people go to bed...
540
00:38:03,766 --> 00:38:07,066
...there are actually six people in that bed.
541
00:38:08,265 --> 00:38:09,765
If you'll excuse me.
542
00:38:12,465 --> 00:38:14,464
Are we allowed to talk when he's gone?
543
00:38:14,964 --> 00:38:16,364
I don't know.
544
00:38:17,464 --> 00:38:18,663
What do you think?
545
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:21,263
To be on the safe side, maybe we better not.
546
00:38:29,261 --> 00:38:31,861
The six people in bed are the two of you...
547
00:38:32,461 --> 00:38:35,460
...and your parents and your parents.
548
00:38:36,360 --> 00:38:38,859
Now, the key is...
549
00:38:39,559 --> 00:38:41,159
Will you excuse me, please?
550
00:38:45,158 --> 00:38:47,358
He charged us for the full session.
551
00:38:47,658 --> 00:38:50,157
The man was peeing on our time!
552
00:38:53,557 --> 00:38:56,056
All that therapy was
a waste of time and money.
553
00:38:56,456 --> 00:38:59,155
Where did all that therapy really get us?
554
00:38:59,955 --> 00:39:01,855
It got us here, laughing about it.
555
00:39:02,255 --> 00:39:05,754
- He's right.
- Once it's broken, it can't be fixed.
556
00:39:06,154 --> 00:39:08,254
- I don't know.
- The queen has spoken.
557
00:39:08,454 --> 00:39:11,453
- Maybe it's too soon.
- What are you talking about?
558
00:39:11,853 --> 00:39:16,052
The whole point of having a fight is
playing "hide the salami" afterwards.
559
00:39:17,252 --> 00:39:20,251
Let hard times bring you together.
Nobody said it'd be easy.
560
00:39:20,551 --> 00:39:23,851
Can't hard times bring us together?
Nobody said it'd be easy.
561
00:39:24,251 --> 00:39:26,950
Like the Andrews Sisters.
After "Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy"...
562
00:39:27,250 --> 00:39:29,250
...before "Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree."
563
00:39:29,550 --> 00:39:31,249
Big career slump there.
564
00:39:31,549 --> 00:39:34,249
Like the Andrews Sisters before
"Don't Sit Under the Apple Tree."
565
00:39:34,549 --> 00:39:35,948
The Andrews Sisters?
566
00:39:36,248 --> 00:39:38,148
They didn't stop because of a few flops.
567
00:39:38,548 --> 00:39:40,547
They hung in there. The rest is history.
568
00:39:40,847 --> 00:39:42,747
Don't sit under the apple tree
569
00:39:43,347 --> 00:39:46,146
Why are you bringing up
the Andrews Sisters now?
570
00:39:46,446 --> 00:39:48,446
- You're singing!
- It's an example.
571
00:39:48,746 --> 00:39:50,745
They're in trouble,
and you're singing?
572
00:39:51,045 --> 00:39:54,745
Dot, put out once in a while.
Your face won't be so tight.
573
00:39:55,145 --> 00:39:55,944
Slut.
574
00:39:56,144 --> 00:40:00,444
I don't know what their career slump
has to do with our marital problems.
575
00:40:00,843 --> 00:40:02,243
What should we do?
576
00:40:02,543 --> 00:40:05,842
Make matters worse by dwelling
on every little thing all our lives?
577
00:40:06,242 --> 00:40:08,642
Is that what you think I do?
578
00:40:08,942 --> 00:40:11,141
- You're a child.
- I just dwell on everything?
579
00:40:11,541 --> 00:40:13,641
You're a 72-year-old infant!
580
00:40:13,941 --> 00:40:17,540
There are real problems that we
haven't even begun to deal with.
581
00:40:17,940 --> 00:40:20,940
Don't you think I know that?
What happened to you?
582
00:40:21,239 --> 00:40:23,839
What happened to that fun girl
with the pith helmet?
583
00:40:24,139 --> 00:40:27,138
You don't think I ask myself
that every day?
584
00:40:27,638 --> 00:40:30,938
You beat her out of me!
There's no room here for her!
585
00:40:31,238 --> 00:40:32,537
You think it's all fun and games.
586
00:40:32,937 --> 00:40:35,737
So it's my fault you hang on
to every little thing!
587
00:40:36,037 --> 00:40:38,436
It's my fault you can't let go of anything!
588
00:40:39,636 --> 00:40:42,035
It's my fault you turned into your mother?!
589
00:40:42,435 --> 00:40:43,935
Fuck you!
590
00:41:22,028 --> 00:41:23,527
- Katie, you-
- No.
591
00:41:30,526 --> 00:41:34,225
- I still think that there's a chance-
- Ben, you love who we were.
592
00:41:34,625 --> 00:41:37,825
You couldn't possibly love
what we've become.
593
00:41:39,024 --> 00:41:41,024
I think I spotted us at dinner tonight.
594
00:41:43,124 --> 00:41:45,823
We can't stay together just because we...
595
00:41:46,123 --> 00:41:48,523
...get a glimpse of "us" every once in a while.
596
00:41:49,122 --> 00:41:51,122
It was less than 15 minutes ago.
597
00:41:53,222 --> 00:41:56,421
All we proved is, if we're apart
for weeks at a time...
598
00:41:56,721 --> 00:41:59,520
...we might get through a dinner.
That's not a marriage.
599
00:42:05,719 --> 00:42:07,119
It's over.
600
00:42:45,111 --> 00:42:46,111
A book about your grandmother?
601
00:42:46,411 --> 00:42:48,511
Yeah. She was an extraordinary woman.
602
00:42:48,811 --> 00:42:51,610
I'm sure she was.
Did she fuck a President?
603
00:42:52,310 --> 00:42:55,709
- No.
- No. Did she discover uranium?
604
00:42:56,209 --> 00:42:58,409
A cure for cancer?
Nothing like that?
605
00:42:59,509 --> 00:43:02,308
Why would anybody wanna read
a book about her?
606
00:43:02,708 --> 00:43:06,007
She was 4'9". She emigrated
from Europe as a little girl.
607
00:43:06,407 --> 00:43:10,407
She worked in a sweatshop making
buttonholes 14 hours a day and yet...
608
00:43:10,906 --> 00:43:14,506
...raised five kids and stayed married
to the same man for 57 years.
609
00:43:14,806 --> 00:43:17,705
Dave, this will be the greatest
love story ever told.
610
00:43:19,405 --> 00:43:22,304
Let me explain something to you.
Not as your agent.
611
00:43:22,804 --> 00:43:24,504
This is as a friend.
612
00:43:29,003 --> 00:43:30,203
Come here.
613
00:43:31,402 --> 00:43:32,902
You see all these people?
614
00:43:33,302 --> 00:43:36,102
They're getting into buildings.
They're driving cars.
615
00:43:36,502 --> 00:43:39,201
They're crossing the street.
They're walking around.
616
00:43:39,801 --> 00:43:42,000
Every single one of these people...
617
00:43:42,300 --> 00:43:44,300
...is going to die someday...
618
00:43:44,600 --> 00:43:46,000
...and they all know it.
619
00:43:47,299 --> 00:43:48,599
Which is why...
620
00:43:49,399 --> 00:43:52,698
...they regard the time they have
on this planet as precious.
621
00:43:52,998 --> 00:43:55,298
There are things that take up that time...
622
00:43:55,598 --> 00:43:58,497
...even if they don't enjoy it.
They have to go to work.
623
00:43:58,897 --> 00:44:01,097
They have to get dressed, wait in lines...
624
00:44:01,497 --> 00:44:03,696
...clean yards, get batteries.
625
00:44:04,096 --> 00:44:06,996
They visit the eye doctor.
They're doing all these things.
626
00:44:07,395 --> 00:44:12,095
Now, add that to the time they spend
sleeping and eating...
627
00:44:12,495 --> 00:44:15,294
...and washing up and voting...
628
00:44:15,694 --> 00:44:18,793
...and buying gifts for people
they don't like, and you see...
629
00:44:19,193 --> 00:44:22,793
...why they're so choosy about
how they spend their leisure time.
630
00:44:23,192 --> 00:44:26,292
You can understand why
unless she went down on somebody...
631
00:44:26,692 --> 00:44:30,191
...really interesting, they won't
waste their valuable time...
632
00:44:30,491 --> 00:44:33,790
...reading a book about
your fucking grandmother!
633
00:44:36,690 --> 00:44:39,189
So if I read you right,
you don't like the idea.
634
00:44:39,689 --> 00:44:40,689
It's not that.
635
00:44:51,587 --> 00:44:55,286
You know, I find the Ariana
much more fragrant than the Raphaela.
636
00:44:57,386 --> 00:44:58,885
I'll keep that in mind.
637
00:44:59,285 --> 00:45:01,285
- How you doing?
- Fine.
638
00:45:01,585 --> 00:45:04,984
I never got a chance to thank you
for holding the camp bus.
639
00:45:05,484 --> 00:45:07,984
Anytime you need a bus held,
I am your guy.
640
00:45:08,384 --> 00:45:11,083
- Erin's teeth are looking good.
- Thanks to you.
641
00:45:11,483 --> 00:45:13,783
I hope she remembers to wear her retainer.
642
00:45:14,282 --> 00:45:15,882
You know how kids are at camp.
643
00:45:16,182 --> 00:45:19,681
The minute my Kevin gets off that bus,
it's "Goodbye, biteplate."
644
00:45:20,381 --> 00:45:21,781
Is that for you?
645
00:45:23,481 --> 00:45:26,780
When Deirdre and I divorced,
I decided to learn how to cook.
646
00:45:27,280 --> 00:45:29,280
The Wok-y World of Thai Cooking?
647
00:45:29,580 --> 00:45:30,779
I'm branching out.
648
00:45:30,979 --> 00:45:33,779
I'm taking a Thai cooking course this summer.
649
00:45:34,279 --> 00:45:37,378
Really? I've always been interested
in Asian cooking.
650
00:45:37,678 --> 00:45:38,778
Really?
651
00:45:39,378 --> 00:45:40,577
Why don't you join me?
652
00:45:43,277 --> 00:45:44,977
When I think about it...
653
00:45:45,376 --> 00:45:47,876
...over the years there were
less and less moments...
654
00:45:48,176 --> 00:45:49,576
...in the course of the day...
655
00:45:49,976 --> 00:45:52,675
...when Ben and I actually made
real eye contact.
656
00:45:53,075 --> 00:45:55,375
- You're not gonna believe-
- Shh!
657
00:45:55,774 --> 00:45:58,074
- What?
- He's almost asleep.
658
00:45:59,774 --> 00:46:01,673
Maybe it was the stuff of life.
659
00:46:02,173 --> 00:46:03,873
Who's taking Erin to school?
660
00:46:04,573 --> 00:46:07,472
Who will pick up Josh
from his clarinet lessons?
661
00:46:08,372 --> 00:46:10,672
After a while, there was a disturbing comfort...
662
00:46:10,971 --> 00:46:12,971
...in not having to deal with each other...
663
00:46:13,271 --> 00:46:16,770
...because somehow you just
get used to the disconnection.
664
00:46:17,870 --> 00:46:21,669
Even at night, when we could finally
come together, we faced forward.
665
00:46:22,069 --> 00:46:24,969
Yeah, we were tired,
but I think we were afraid...
666
00:46:25,469 --> 00:46:28,568
...that if we faced each other,
there'd be nothing there.
667
00:46:29,168 --> 00:46:31,068
We're learning Mee Krob next week.
668
00:46:31,567 --> 00:46:32,767
Mee Krob.
669
00:46:34,267 --> 00:46:35,867
I'll let you know.
670
00:46:39,766 --> 00:46:42,365
I'll call you. Oh, you call me.
671
00:46:47,864 --> 00:46:50,464
When we drove to the camp
for Parents ' Weekend...
672
00:46:50,764 --> 00:46:52,663
...I was scared to face the kids.
673
00:46:53,463 --> 00:46:57,562
You'd talk about it with a best friend.
But Katie had been my best friend.
674
00:46:57,962 --> 00:47:01,962
Now I didn't know what we were,
except Josh and Erin's parents.
675
00:47:29,056 --> 00:47:30,056
What?
676
00:47:31,956 --> 00:47:33,255
Nothing.
677
00:47:36,255 --> 00:47:37,755
- is nothing?
678
00:47:39,254 --> 00:47:41,354
This is not going to be easy.
679
00:47:42,954 --> 00:47:45,853
The kids do not need to be burdened
with our problems.
680
00:47:46,253 --> 00:47:47,853
They have half a summer left.
681
00:47:48,153 --> 00:47:50,852
Like my plan was to burden
the kids with our problems.
682
00:47:51,252 --> 00:47:54,351
Jesus Christ, will you give me
some fucking credit?
683
00:47:54,751 --> 00:47:56,051
Mom!
Dad!
684
00:47:56,951 --> 00:47:57,951
Hey!
685
00:48:01,350 --> 00:48:02,550
I missed you.
686
00:48:02,950 --> 00:48:04,649
I missed you so much.
687
00:48:04,949 --> 00:48:06,549
I missed you both so much.
688
00:48:07,949 --> 00:48:09,648
Dad. Dad.
689
00:48:09,848 --> 00:48:11,548
Dad, pull yourself together.
690
00:48:12,048 --> 00:48:14,048
Dad, get off of me!
691
00:48:15,947 --> 00:48:18,747
You guys both look terrific.
Show us your bunks.
692
00:48:19,646 --> 00:48:21,346
I wanna see your bunks too.
693
00:48:21,646 --> 00:48:24,246
Did you get your favorite room?
The Acorn Cabin?
694
00:48:24,545 --> 00:48:25,845
Yeah, we did.
695
00:48:26,245 --> 00:48:28,245
We got the Acorn Cabin.
696
00:49:15,536 --> 00:49:17,035
God, I hate lying to them.
697
00:49:17,335 --> 00:49:19,935
Me too. We're not even good at it.
698
00:49:20,335 --> 00:49:22,834
Even if we were good at it, they'd still know.
699
00:49:46,630 --> 00:49:47,829
What is that?
700
00:49:48,529 --> 00:49:49,329
What's what?
701
00:49:49,629 --> 00:49:52,628
- The thing you just put in your mouth.
- It's my biteplate.
702
00:49:53,028 --> 00:49:56,028
- Biteplate?
- Yeah. It's my biteplate.
703
00:49:56,328 --> 00:49:58,927
- Why do you have a biteplate?
- For my bite.
704
00:50:00,227 --> 00:50:01,527
What's wrong with your bite?
705
00:50:02,726 --> 00:50:04,326
It's askew.
706
00:50:04,526 --> 00:50:05,326
Askew?
707
00:50:05,626 --> 00:50:07,226
Yes, it's askew.
708
00:50:07,925 --> 00:50:11,025
So this would be an attempt to de-skew it?
709
00:50:16,624 --> 00:50:18,323
- You order room service?
- No.
710
00:50:23,922 --> 00:50:24,722
Erin.
711
00:50:25,022 --> 00:50:25,822
Erin?
712
00:50:26,022 --> 00:50:28,121
What's the matter?
Nothing. I'm okay.
713
00:50:28,521 --> 00:50:29,721
Honey, are you okay?
714
00:50:30,121 --> 00:50:31,921
I'm okay. I'm fine.
715
00:50:32,221 --> 00:50:35,220
I couldn't sleep, so I snuck out after lights out.
716
00:50:35,820 --> 00:50:38,120
I just wanted to sleep with you guys.
717
00:50:40,619 --> 00:50:44,318
It's okay. I'll call the camp
and let them know you're here.
718
00:50:44,718 --> 00:50:45,718
Okay.
719
00:50:49,517 --> 00:50:51,717
Why is the bed made up on the couch?
720
00:50:53,716 --> 00:50:57,316
Daddy was doing a little reading,
and I didn't wanna wake Mommy up.
721
00:51:30,509 --> 00:51:33,309
Sometimes you just can't
climb out of the abyss.
722
00:51:34,009 --> 00:51:36,308
I thought of last summer, when we still hoped...
723
00:51:36,608 --> 00:51:39,408
...that if we put ourselves in some idyllic setting...
724
00:51:39,708 --> 00:51:42,107
...we'd somehow get rid of all the tension...
725
00:51:42,407 --> 00:51:43,907
...jump-start our marriage...
726
00:51:44,307 --> 00:51:47,206
...and rediscover why we fell in love
in the first place.
727
00:51:47,606 --> 00:51:49,706
So last year, after Parents' Weekend...
728
00:51:49,906 --> 00:51:52,505
...we thought maybe
in a trattoria in Venice...
729
00:51:52,905 --> 00:51:56,304
...looking at a beautiful sunset,
next to a bottle of Chianti...
730
00:51:56,604 --> 00:51:59,204
...we just might find a set of jumper cables.
731
00:52:01,203 --> 00:52:03,803
How you doing?
Two Italian ices, please.
732
00:52:04,203 --> 00:52:08,002
Honey, you don't have to say Italian.
We're here. They know.
733
00:52:08,602 --> 00:52:12,301
So if I'm in Belgium, and I order
a Belgian waffle, I just say waffle?
734
00:52:12,701 --> 00:52:15,701
Like if you were in Ireland
and you wanted Irish stew...
735
00:52:16,100 --> 00:52:17,500
...you'd just say stew.
736
00:52:17,800 --> 00:52:20,200
If you're in China and you want Chinese food...
737
00:52:20,600 --> 00:52:22,199
...you say, "Bring on the food."
738
00:52:23,399 --> 00:52:26,398
We couldn't help but overhear
your delightful repartee.
739
00:52:26,898 --> 00:52:29,198
We're the Kirbys from Cleveland.
And you are...?
740
00:52:29,598 --> 00:52:31,797
- The Mansons.
- From Spawn Ranch.
741
00:52:36,097 --> 00:52:36,996
That's a good one.
742
00:52:53,093 --> 00:52:54,993
Look, right there. The red cape.
743
00:52:55,393 --> 00:52:56,593
I like that.
744
00:53:00,292 --> 00:53:01,892
Hey!
745
00:53:02,491 --> 00:53:03,291
It's you...
746
00:53:03,691 --> 00:53:04,491
...people.
747
00:53:04,791 --> 00:53:07,690
- The Kirbys from Cleveland.
- Joanie and Eddie.
748
00:53:08,190 --> 00:53:11,290
How could we forget?
We haven't stopped talking about you.
749
00:53:11,790 --> 00:53:14,689
This is fate. We have to
get together, break bread.
750
00:53:15,089 --> 00:53:17,688
Sounds great.
We're at the Hotel Pasta e Fagioli.
751
00:53:18,988 --> 00:53:21,188
You call us.
We're at the Europa Regina.
752
00:53:21,588 --> 00:53:23,687
Great. We'll call you.
753
00:53:24,087 --> 00:53:25,187
Oh, right on!
754
00:53:27,887 --> 00:53:28,786
Look at this.
755
00:53:28,986 --> 00:53:30,686
This is beautiful.
This way.
756
00:53:31,086 --> 00:53:33,086
Thank you.
Canal-side seating.
757
00:53:33,485 --> 00:53:34,685
Very nice.
758
00:53:37,285 --> 00:53:39,184
Oh, my God!
759
00:53:40,384 --> 00:53:41,684
Meant to be!
760
00:53:42,784 --> 00:53:44,683
Kismet! Kismet!
761
00:53:45,183 --> 00:53:48,882
We went looking for your hotel,
but we couldn't find it anywhere.
762
00:53:49,282 --> 00:53:52,882
- Yeah, it's pretty hard to find.
- Well, all's well that ends well.
763
00:53:55,381 --> 00:53:58,681
It was just like fate,
the first time I met Joanie.
764
00:53:58,980 --> 00:54:02,380
I worked on the 6th floor,
and Eddie worked on the 4th floor.
765
00:54:02,880 --> 00:54:04,979
- Hand to God.
- Every day in the cafeteria...
766
00:54:05,379 --> 00:54:07,779
- ... on the 3rd floor-
- I saw Joanie at the salad bar.
767
00:54:08,079 --> 00:54:10,378
And she smiled at me. Not just a smile.
768
00:54:10,678 --> 00:54:12,478
I mean, a really big smile.
769
00:54:13,378 --> 00:54:15,977
One day at the salad bar at Beefsteak Charlie's...
770
00:54:16,277 --> 00:54:18,477
...I thought I saw her at that salad bar.
771
00:54:18,977 --> 00:54:21,276
- But it wasn't me.
- It wasn't Joanie!
772
00:54:22,276 --> 00:54:26,075
What are the odds of another person
at a salad bar looking like Joanie...
773
00:54:26,575 --> 00:54:28,175
...and yet not being Joanie?
774
00:54:29,175 --> 00:54:31,274
What, like a trillion to one?
775
00:54:31,674 --> 00:54:33,374
Could be higher than that.
776
00:54:33,674 --> 00:54:37,573
Anyway, when I realized it wasn't
Joanie, I was so disappointed.
777
00:54:37,873 --> 00:54:41,672
And I began to think about how much
I'd hoped that it was Joanie.
778
00:54:42,172 --> 00:54:44,472
But at this point
you still hadn't met.
779
00:54:44,772 --> 00:54:49,271
No. And I couldn't get over how much
I wanted this person to be Joanie.
780
00:54:49,771 --> 00:54:52,470
And I think that was the defining moment.
781
00:54:52,770 --> 00:54:55,969
I went back to my wife at the table
at Beefsteak Charlie's...
782
00:54:56,369 --> 00:55:00,069
...and I realized I felt more alive
thinking about that stranger...
783
00:55:00,568 --> 00:55:04,368
...I thought was Joanie than I did
with the stranger who was my wife.
784
00:55:04,668 --> 00:55:06,767
We were both in marriages we'd outgrown.
785
00:55:07,167 --> 00:55:09,867
You know, maybe I didn't
wanna admit it, but maybe...
786
00:55:10,267 --> 00:55:13,766
...I didn't like myself enough
to be with someone who liked me.
787
00:55:14,166 --> 00:55:16,865
Can you imagine anybody not liking Eddie Kirby?
788
00:55:17,265 --> 00:55:19,165
I'm not so perfect.
789
00:55:19,465 --> 00:55:21,065
Beg to differ!
790
00:55:21,364 --> 00:55:26,164
That year we both mustered up
enough courage to leave our marriages.
791
00:55:26,663 --> 00:55:28,363
So at this point you had met.
792
00:55:28,763 --> 00:55:29,363
No.
793
00:55:29,563 --> 00:55:30,363
Still hadn't met.
794
00:55:30,663 --> 00:55:35,162
No. But, you know, after you've had
such a horrible marriage...
795
00:55:35,562 --> 00:55:38,361
...you don't wanna make
the same mistakes twice.
796
00:55:38,661 --> 00:55:40,961
So I made an inner pact with myself.
797
00:55:41,261 --> 00:55:44,660
I said, "Eddie, you will never
let anger build up to the point...
798
00:55:45,060 --> 00:55:46,959
...where you don't like your partner."
799
00:55:47,259 --> 00:55:49,559
- I made the same pact.
- That became our credo.
800
00:55:49,859 --> 00:55:52,358
"Never go to bed angry."
801
00:55:52,958 --> 00:55:55,158
So now we talk everything through.
802
00:55:55,558 --> 00:55:58,957
We won't let even the tiniest pea
be under our mattress.
803
00:55:59,457 --> 00:56:01,657
That's why we never eat in bed.
804
00:56:05,456 --> 00:56:07,156
Me too.
805
00:56:10,555 --> 00:56:12,255
Who'd have thought the Kirbys...
806
00:56:12,554 --> 00:56:14,854
...the happiest couple never to have met...
807
00:56:15,154 --> 00:56:17,953
...would be the greatest
aphrodisiac known to man?
808
00:56:43,548 --> 00:56:46,348
If only you could bottle
that unfettered state of mind...
809
00:56:46,648 --> 00:56:48,647
...that comes with being on foreign soil...
810
00:56:49,247 --> 00:56:50,547
...to just hold on to it...
811
00:56:50,947 --> 00:56:53,347
...even for a day, an evening...
812
00:56:54,246 --> 00:56:55,446
...an hour.
813
00:56:56,046 --> 00:56:58,845
Last year, when we
got back from Italy, God knows...
814
00:56:59,245 --> 00:57:00,945
...we gave it a try.
815
00:57:16,042 --> 00:57:17,342
Hey, look at this.
816
00:57:18,042 --> 00:57:22,041
While we were away, we got a message
from His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
817
00:57:23,941 --> 00:57:25,940
About a softball team he's getting started.
818
00:57:27,840 --> 00:57:31,439
You wanna write a letter to the kids
together, let them know we're back?
819
00:57:37,038 --> 00:57:39,738
"Dear Josh...
820
00:57:40,537 --> 00:57:41,837
...and Erin."
821
00:57:42,437 --> 00:57:45,136
Oh, sure. You get the easy part.
822
00:57:48,936 --> 00:57:49,836
"We're...
823
00:57:51,235 --> 00:57:52,435
...back."
824
00:57:55,734 --> 00:57:57,334
"From...
825
00:57:58,234 --> 00:57:59,334
...Europe."
826
00:58:00,434 --> 00:58:02,833
That's not a sentence.
It's a preposition and a continent.
827
00:58:03,133 --> 00:58:05,333
I crossed out your period and made a sentence.
828
00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,632
See? "We're back from Europe."
Your turn.
829
00:58:09,132 --> 00:58:10,032
Thank you.
830
00:58:11,031 --> 00:58:14,731
Exclamation point.
Comma. Close parentheses.
831
00:58:15,131 --> 00:58:17,030
"But I...
832
00:58:17,730 --> 00:58:19,630
...don't want to talk...
833
00:58:20,030 --> 00:58:22,229
...about grammar."
834
00:58:22,629 --> 00:58:26,828
Colon. "I want to...
835
00:58:27,828 --> 00:58:29,828
...make love to...
836
00:58:30,128 --> 00:58:32,127
...your mother."
837
00:58:33,927 --> 00:58:35,827
No, you didn't write that.
838
00:58:37,126 --> 00:58:38,226
Ben!
839
00:58:38,926 --> 00:58:41,426
What? I do. I want to.
840
00:58:41,825 --> 00:58:43,525
After we finish the letter.
841
00:58:43,825 --> 00:58:47,724
No, let's make love right now.
Then we write the letter.
842
00:58:48,124 --> 00:58:51,324
Come on, we only had
a couple of sentences to go.
843
00:58:51,624 --> 00:58:54,623
In Europe, you would've made love first.
844
00:58:55,823 --> 00:58:58,322
- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
845
00:58:58,722 --> 00:59:01,222
- That I'm not spontaneous?
- I'm not saying that.
846
00:59:01,522 --> 00:59:03,121
But that's what you implied.
847
00:59:03,521 --> 00:59:05,621
That in Europe I'd have made love, but here-
848
00:59:06,021 --> 00:59:08,020
I don't want us to get to the point...
849
00:59:08,420 --> 00:59:11,620
...where we can't make love unless
there's a concierge downstairs.
850
00:59:12,120 --> 00:59:16,419
I wanted to take three minutes
to finish a letter to our children...
851
00:59:16,819 --> 00:59:18,118
...who I haven't seen-
852
00:59:18,318 --> 00:59:21,818
What's that supposed to mean?
That I don't care about our children?
853
00:59:22,218 --> 00:59:24,317
If I finish the letter,
I could be spontaneous.
854
00:59:24,617 --> 00:59:27,417
That's not spontaneous!
That's making an appointment!
855
00:59:27,717 --> 00:59:30,316
I was in the mood for unscheduled affection...
856
00:59:30,616 --> 00:59:32,516
...but sorry, we're home. I forgot...
857
00:59:32,916 --> 00:59:35,215
...everything's gotta be on a schedule!
858
00:59:36,315 --> 00:59:39,414
You try raising children
where everything's unscheduled...
859
00:59:39,714 --> 00:59:41,514
...when everything's spontaneous!
860
00:59:41,814 --> 00:59:45,013
You know what? The kids need
a little spontaneity too!
861
00:59:45,613 --> 00:59:47,213
I know that!
862
00:59:47,613 --> 00:59:51,712
I'm sick and tired of being
the designated driver of this marriage!
863
00:59:52,212 --> 00:59:54,911
Nobody designated you!
It's a role you gave yourself!
864
00:59:55,211 --> 00:59:57,311
Bullshit! You gave me that role!
865
00:59:57,611 --> 01:00:01,610
Because God forbid Ben should ever
remember to cancel the newspapers...
866
01:00:02,110 --> 01:00:03,610
...or put washer fluid in his car...
867
01:00:04,009 --> 01:00:06,709
...or participate in disciplining his children...
868
01:00:07,009 --> 01:00:10,008
...instead of flirting on the phone
with your girlfriend!
869
01:00:10,508 --> 01:00:12,108
You're not bringing that up again!
870
01:00:12,308 --> 01:00:14,507
You're damn straight I'll bring it up again!
871
01:00:14,907 --> 01:00:16,607
I haven't spoken to her in six months!
872
01:00:17,007 --> 01:00:19,406
Not once have you seen it through my eyes!
873
01:00:19,706 --> 01:00:22,806
We don't have a pea under our mattress.
You know what we have?
874
01:00:23,206 --> 01:00:24,306
A fucking watermelon!
875
01:00:24,605 --> 01:00:26,605
And you never wanna deal with it!
876
01:00:27,005 --> 01:00:28,605
Oh, fuck it!
877
01:00:29,205 --> 01:00:30,704
Jesus!
878
01:00:38,503 --> 01:00:40,002
Welcome home.
879
01:00:48,301 --> 01:00:49,501
Bye, Dad.
880
01:00:50,101 --> 01:00:51,900
Thanks.
I love you.
881
01:00:53,100 --> 01:00:54,700
Bye, Mom.
Buddy.
882
01:00:56,999 --> 01:00:58,299
Love you.
883
01:00:59,299 --> 01:01:00,998
See you guys in a month.
884
01:01:07,797 --> 01:01:09,097
Bye, you guys.
885
01:01:10,097 --> 01:01:11,496
Bye, Daddy.
- Couple of weeks.
886
01:01:11,796 --> 01:01:13,696
- Watch your toes.
- See you.
887
01:01:14,096 --> 01:01:15,396
Bye, kids.
888
01:01:31,393 --> 01:01:33,692
Do you think we should get one lawyer or two?
889
01:01:38,491 --> 01:01:39,491
One.
890
01:01:41,191 --> 01:01:43,890
Maybe we can at least make this part...
891
01:01:46,590 --> 01:01:50,689
All I care about is that we make it
as easy for the kids as possible.
892
01:01:51,789 --> 01:01:52,888
Yeah.
893
01:01:55,488 --> 01:01:59,687
You noticed the bathroom has
the original tiling from the '20s.
894
01:02:00,187 --> 01:02:00,987
It's nice.
895
01:02:01,187 --> 01:02:04,386
You know, since you're a writer,
I know you'd appreciate...
896
01:02:04,786 --> 01:02:07,186
...that the sister
of Bette Davis' chauffeur...
897
01:02:07,585 --> 01:02:10,685
...once had Thanksgiving
in the apartment next door.
898
01:02:11,385 --> 01:02:12,485
Really?
899
01:02:13,684 --> 01:02:15,884
Are there any other kids in this building?
900
01:02:16,184 --> 01:02:19,983
Oodles! Including, if I might add,
the nephew of the actor...
901
01:02:20,383 --> 01:02:23,682
...who jumped third into
the fourth lifeboat on Titanic.
902
01:02:23,982 --> 01:02:26,582
Rent the film, you'll see. I'll introduce you.
903
01:02:26,882 --> 01:02:30,681
I'm showing it to another family today,
but if you're interested...
904
01:02:31,181 --> 01:02:33,980
...I can hold it for you,
give your wife a look-see-
905
01:02:34,380 --> 01:02:35,280
I'm interested.
906
01:02:35,480 --> 01:02:39,379
Who wouldn't be? Look how the light
from that window fills the room.
907
01:02:40,179 --> 01:02:41,879
When I showed this apartment...
908
01:02:42,179 --> 01:02:44,878
...to the man who did the voice
of Charlie the Tuna...
909
01:02:45,278 --> 01:02:48,777
...he said, and I quote,
"Wow," unquote.
910
01:02:49,277 --> 01:02:50,977
I think that says it all.
911
01:02:53,677 --> 01:02:55,276
First, you put olive oil...
912
01:02:55,676 --> 01:02:57,276
...garlic and tofu.
913
01:02:57,676 --> 01:03:00,075
Saut� until garlic turn light brown.
914
01:03:00,475 --> 01:03:03,675
Make sure that your wok have
a strong heat underneath it.
915
01:03:04,174 --> 01:03:07,074
Now take an egg and crack it to the hot oil.
916
01:03:09,273 --> 01:03:13,073
Make sure all the ingredients
are cooked thoroughly.
917
01:03:14,572 --> 01:03:15,472
You okay?
918
01:03:15,872 --> 01:03:17,872
Yeah, I'm fine.
919
01:03:18,872 --> 01:03:20,971
Now we add some Pad Thai noodle.
920
01:03:22,871 --> 01:03:26,470
I saw Deirdre up at Parents' Weekend,
but I didn't see you.
921
01:03:26,870 --> 01:03:28,670
I went up the weekend before.
922
01:03:29,070 --> 01:03:30,869
You know, since the divorce...
923
01:03:31,269 --> 01:03:34,769
...it's a lot easier for everyone
if we come up at separate times.
924
01:03:35,368 --> 01:03:38,168
Kevin and I took a great hike
up to that waterfall.
925
01:03:38,568 --> 01:03:40,067
You and Ben take that hike?
926
01:03:40,467 --> 01:03:42,567
Yeah, it was beautiful.
927
01:03:43,367 --> 01:03:45,866
Spice it up with some chili pepper.
928
01:03:46,166 --> 01:03:49,066
You know, spicy food make a better lover.
929
01:03:49,466 --> 01:03:51,565
The hotter you eat, the hotter you get.
930
01:03:53,165 --> 01:03:55,464
Well, the spicier the better for me.
931
01:03:57,164 --> 01:03:58,264
Rice vinegar.
932
01:04:02,563 --> 01:04:03,863
Does Ben like Thai food?
933
01:04:04,163 --> 01:04:05,762
Yeah, yeah.
934
01:04:06,562 --> 01:04:08,062
You and Ben been to Tommy Tang's?
935
01:04:08,362 --> 01:04:09,662
Ben and I are di-
936
01:04:10,462 --> 01:04:11,561
Separated.
937
01:04:13,161 --> 01:04:14,661
Gee, I had no idea.
938
01:04:15,061 --> 01:04:17,160
We're not really telling people.
939
01:04:17,560 --> 01:04:19,260
I understand.
940
01:04:19,860 --> 01:04:22,059
I'm so sorry. How long?
941
01:04:23,159 --> 01:04:26,958
72 hours, four weeks, five years...
942
01:04:27,358 --> 01:04:29,558
...depending on when you start counting.
943
01:04:29,958 --> 01:04:32,957
I'm really sorry.
I know how hard it can be.
944
01:04:36,157 --> 01:04:37,656
This will sound crazy...
945
01:04:37,956 --> 01:04:41,256
...but I always enjoyed
Erin and Josh's appointments...
946
01:04:41,656 --> 01:04:44,455
...because it gave me a chance
to get to know you.
947
01:04:45,055 --> 01:04:47,754
But when you called me about your bite...
948
01:04:48,154 --> 01:04:52,453
...I felt myself looking forward to it
because I knew we'd be alone.
949
01:04:53,953 --> 01:04:56,853
And just tell me if it's too soon...
950
01:04:57,752 --> 01:05:01,052
...but I wondered if maybe you
wanted to have dinner sometime?
951
01:05:03,451 --> 01:05:04,951
We are having dinner.
952
01:05:06,951 --> 01:05:10,250
I was thinking of something
that didn't involve a teacher.
953
01:05:14,049 --> 01:05:15,949
You always hear people say...
954
01:05:16,249 --> 01:05:18,448
...they stayed too long in a bad marriage.
955
01:05:18,748 --> 01:05:22,348
For the longest time, I never thought
of my marriage as being bad.
956
01:05:22,847 --> 01:05:26,347
I thought love was something you
were allowed to fall in and out of.
957
01:05:26,647 --> 01:05:28,446
You know, peaks and valleys.
958
01:05:29,146 --> 01:05:30,746
But after a while...
959
01:05:31,046 --> 01:05:34,045
...the peaks get lower and further apart.
960
01:05:34,445 --> 01:05:38,145
Then one day you find yourself
wondering, "Is this who I really am?
961
01:05:38,644 --> 01:05:41,844
Someone who has taken up permanent
residence in the valley?
962
01:05:42,244 --> 01:05:45,843
Or is this just who I am with this person?"
963
01:05:47,443 --> 01:05:49,842
And then, you ask yourself:
964
01:05:50,142 --> 01:05:53,542
"Maybe there is another version
of my life, of myself...
965
01:05:53,941 --> 01:05:56,041
...that's a happier one."
966
01:06:13,438 --> 01:06:14,737
Bullshit.
967
01:06:16,637 --> 01:06:19,636
"Yossel looked into Minnie's eyes and felt...
968
01:06:21,436 --> 01:06:22,636
...nothing.
969
01:06:23,036 --> 01:06:27,035
For two years they'd been apart.
970
01:06:27,435 --> 01:06:30,734
And now, as she stepped off the boat...
971
01:06:31,134 --> 01:06:34,034
...he realized he was looking into the eyes...
972
01:06:35,533 --> 01:06:37,033
...of a stranger.
973
01:06:39,133 --> 01:06:41,432
A girl he no longer knew.
974
01:06:42,132 --> 01:06:45,431
He had become an American.
975
01:06:46,331 --> 01:06:50,930
And she was still the poor...
976
01:06:54,230 --> 01:06:56,129
...unaffectionate...
977
01:06:57,029 --> 01:06:58,429
...daughter...
978
01:07:00,329 --> 01:07:03,528
...of a blind Lithuanian violin maker."
979
01:07:05,028 --> 01:07:08,627
It was all about fear.
Fear's what kept them together.
980
01:07:09,027 --> 01:07:12,226
This whole time I've idealized
my grandparents' marriage.
981
01:07:12,726 --> 01:07:15,126
But this was not the love of the ages.
982
01:07:15,526 --> 01:07:18,425
The two stayed together
because they were terrified.
983
01:07:18,825 --> 01:07:21,824
Fear of loneliness, fear of failure,
fear of the unknown.
984
01:07:22,324 --> 01:07:25,624
Sure, fear. That's the main
motivator for everything.
985
01:07:26,024 --> 01:07:29,323
That and guilt are the two emotions
that keep a society humming.
986
01:07:29,723 --> 01:07:31,922
You and Rachel stay together because of fear?
987
01:07:32,322 --> 01:07:34,022
- In a word, yes.
- You're okay with that?
988
01:07:34,322 --> 01:07:36,422
In three words, yes and no.
989
01:07:37,121 --> 01:07:40,821
See, it's not that simple.
You're looking for clear-cut answers.
990
01:07:41,121 --> 01:07:44,420
In reality, there's nothing clear-cut.
Life is not clear-cut.
991
01:07:44,820 --> 01:07:46,720
Life is gray.
992
01:07:47,119 --> 01:07:48,419
For instance:
993
01:07:50,219 --> 01:07:51,919
What do you see right here?
994
01:07:54,018 --> 01:07:57,117
- What are you asking me?
- I'm asking you, what do you see?
995
01:07:57,517 --> 01:07:59,017
I see your ass.
996
01:07:59,517 --> 01:08:03,516
That's what you think you see.
But in reality, there is no ass.
997
01:08:05,316 --> 01:08:08,015
What the f-?
What are you telling me?
998
01:08:08,315 --> 01:08:12,914
There is no ass, just the fatty part
at the top of each leg...
999
01:08:13,314 --> 01:08:15,614
...that is butted up
against each other.
1000
01:08:16,114 --> 01:08:17,514
Hence the word "butt."
1001
01:08:17,813 --> 01:08:19,413
See, essentially...
1002
01:08:19,813 --> 01:08:23,312
...what we're dealing with here is
just a continuation of the leg.
1003
01:08:23,712 --> 01:08:25,712
Okay, all right, now you lost me.
1004
01:08:26,712 --> 01:08:30,211
It's all illusions.
There is no such thing as an ass.
1005
01:08:30,711 --> 01:08:34,810
Just like there's no such thing as
the perfect marriage, job or child.
1006
01:08:35,210 --> 01:08:39,209
The whole notion of staying together
and living happily ever after...
1007
01:08:39,609 --> 01:08:40,909
...all illusions.
1008
01:08:41,309 --> 01:08:43,908
You're saying you don't believe
in everlasting love?
1009
01:08:45,308 --> 01:08:48,807
You're seeing the ass again
and not the tops of the legs.
1010
01:08:50,007 --> 01:08:53,307
Love is just lust in disguise.
And lust fades.
1011
01:08:53,706 --> 01:08:57,106
So you damn well better be
with someone who can stand you.
1012
01:08:57,606 --> 01:09:01,105
Katie and I have moved way past
being able to stand each other.
1013
01:09:01,505 --> 01:09:03,405
We've moved right
into the hatred part.
1014
01:09:03,805 --> 01:09:06,504
I wouldn't worry about it.
Hate fades.
1015
01:09:07,704 --> 01:09:09,203
Hate fades?
1016
01:09:11,503 --> 01:09:15,402
That's what you're gonna send me out
into the world with?
1017
01:09:15,902 --> 01:09:19,402
"Hate fades. Love is lust.
There is no ass."
1018
01:09:20,801 --> 01:09:23,401
What a disappointment
you've turned out to be.
1019
01:09:26,500 --> 01:09:28,200
Just promise me one thing.
1020
01:09:28,600 --> 01:09:32,199
Please promise me that you will not
say any of this to Rachel.
1021
01:09:32,699 --> 01:09:35,298
Are you crazy?
This conversation ends here.
1022
01:09:35,898 --> 01:09:38,398
When Stan called me, I couldn't believe it.
1023
01:09:38,698 --> 01:09:40,697
I knew it was rough for you guys-
1024
01:09:40,997 --> 01:09:43,897
We didn't wanna say until we
knew we weren't getting back together.
1025
01:09:44,297 --> 01:09:45,796
Oh, my God.
1026
01:09:46,496 --> 01:09:47,696
Wow!
1027
01:09:48,596 --> 01:09:49,496
How are you doing?
1028
01:09:49,896 --> 01:09:52,595
I don't know.
I thought I'd be devastated.
1029
01:09:52,995 --> 01:09:55,295
Maybe it just hasn't hit me.
1030
01:09:57,794 --> 01:10:01,093
- You're having an affair.
- What are you talking about?
1031
01:10:01,593 --> 01:10:04,193
You're only not devastated
if you're seeing someone else.
1032
01:10:04,493 --> 01:10:05,992
I'm not seeing someone else.
1033
01:10:06,392 --> 01:10:08,292
Are you serious about who you're not seeing?
1034
01:10:08,592 --> 01:10:10,792
I don't know.
I know he's nothing like Ben.
1035
01:10:11,191 --> 01:10:13,991
He's responsible, plans ahead,
has a Swiss Army knife.
1036
01:10:14,391 --> 01:10:15,891
He even wants to cook me dinner.
1037
01:10:16,190 --> 01:10:17,690
- He's a sandbag.
- A what?
1038
01:10:18,090 --> 01:10:20,390
He's just a sandbag
against the storm...
1039
01:10:20,790 --> 01:10:23,589
...holding off the inevitable devastation.
1040
01:10:26,388 --> 01:10:28,088
Rachel, you okay?
1041
01:10:30,988 --> 01:10:32,187
Honey?
1042
01:10:34,687 --> 01:10:35,987
I'm sorry.
1043
01:10:37,386 --> 01:10:40,686
I know I'm supposed to be the one
holding your hand...
1044
01:10:41,186 --> 01:10:43,085
...but I just feel terrible.
1045
01:10:43,785 --> 01:10:46,984
I mean, the thought of you guys
not being together...
1046
01:10:47,384 --> 01:10:48,684
You're our best friends.
1047
01:10:49,484 --> 01:10:53,083
Fourth of Julys and Thanksgivings
and Christmases.
1048
01:10:53,883 --> 01:10:56,483
You guys were our Fred and Ethel Mertz.
1049
01:10:57,182 --> 01:10:59,882
We thought you guys were
our Fred and Ethel Mertz.
1050
01:11:01,082 --> 01:11:02,381
Really?
1051
01:11:02,781 --> 01:11:06,681
I never thought this was
going to happen to me and Ben.
1052
01:11:07,081 --> 01:11:10,580
I thought we were going to be the ones
to go the distance.
1053
01:11:10,980 --> 01:11:15,479
But I just couldn't seem to get him
to put down that purple crayon.
1054
01:11:16,679 --> 01:11:20,578
But that's Ben.
That's who you fell in love with.
1055
01:11:20,878 --> 01:11:23,677
Katie, you are at 80 who you are at 8.
1056
01:11:24,077 --> 01:11:26,477
People don't change!
1057
01:11:27,077 --> 01:11:30,076
People change over time.
You've got to expect that.
1058
01:11:30,376 --> 01:11:35,175
The only way a relationship works is
if people grow and change together.
1059
01:11:36,675 --> 01:11:38,474
Mr. and Mrs. Cogen, Mr. Jordan.
1060
01:11:38,974 --> 01:11:42,874
Nice to have you tonight. Is Mrs.
Jordan not joining us this evening?
1061
01:11:43,274 --> 01:11:46,973
No, she's not. Stan, I told you
to make the reservation for three!
1062
01:11:47,473 --> 01:11:49,572
- I forgot.
- How could you forget that?
1063
01:11:49,972 --> 01:11:52,372
Say it louder. The guy
in the lot didn't hear you.
1064
01:11:52,672 --> 01:11:54,271
It wasn't that loud.
1065
01:12:01,070 --> 01:12:03,170
Did you see Sunday's 7 down?
1066
01:12:03,470 --> 01:12:05,569
- I missed that one.
- Five-letter word.
1067
01:12:06,069 --> 01:12:08,169
"Wants, requirements."
1068
01:12:08,769 --> 01:12:10,368
Rhymes with weeds.
1069
01:12:10,868 --> 01:12:11,768
"Needs"?
1070
01:12:12,068 --> 01:12:14,667
Exactly.
It was a direct attack on me.
1071
01:12:14,967 --> 01:12:16,767
Come on. You're being silly.
1072
01:12:17,067 --> 01:12:19,267
It was just a clue in a crossword puzzle.
1073
01:12:19,866 --> 01:12:23,666
I know my wife.
She was specifically attacking me.
1074
01:12:24,166 --> 01:12:25,365
And for what?
1075
01:12:25,765 --> 01:12:27,365
For having needs.
1076
01:12:28,165 --> 01:12:30,264
Like having needs is some terrible thing.
1077
01:12:30,864 --> 01:12:33,764
Show me one person that doesn't have needs.
1078
01:12:36,363 --> 01:12:39,363
Try this bread dipped in
the olive oil. It's delicious.
1079
01:12:39,863 --> 01:12:41,262
Stan, give Ben the bread!
1080
01:12:41,562 --> 01:12:42,562
Why must you yell?
1081
01:12:42,962 --> 01:12:44,162
- Who yelled?
- You.
1082
01:12:44,462 --> 01:12:45,261
That's not a yell.
1083
01:12:45,561 --> 01:12:47,761
He hears everything as a yell.
1084
01:12:48,161 --> 01:12:50,261
On anyone's yell-o-meter, that was a yell.
1085
01:12:50,660 --> 01:12:52,760
Was that a yell?
He didn't hear it as a yell.
1086
01:12:53,060 --> 01:12:55,060
His mom was a yeller.
He still hears her.
1087
01:12:55,459 --> 01:12:57,859
How could I hear her?
You drown her out.
1088
01:12:58,259 --> 01:12:59,159
It's true.
1089
01:12:59,459 --> 01:13:01,758
The last few years,
when Katie opened her mouth...
1090
01:13:02,158 --> 01:13:03,858
...all I'd hear was her mother.
1091
01:13:04,858 --> 01:13:05,757
Dot.
1092
01:13:06,657 --> 01:13:11,056
It wasn't easy for Katie to be raised
by a woman as complicated as Dot.
1093
01:13:11,556 --> 01:13:13,356
Please, she wasn't complicated.
1094
01:13:13,756 --> 01:13:17,355
She was an idiot who made
everyone else's life complicated.
1095
01:13:17,655 --> 01:13:20,855
You wouldn't believe the beautiful,
psychological heirlooms...
1096
01:13:21,354 --> 01:13:23,354
...this snapping turtle handed down.
1097
01:13:23,854 --> 01:13:26,154
Everything's gotta be
in a neat little box...
1098
01:13:26,553 --> 01:13:28,753
...with a little blue bow on it.
1099
01:13:29,253 --> 01:13:30,453
Punctual.
1100
01:13:30,653 --> 01:13:31,852
Ordered.
1101
01:13:32,252 --> 01:13:35,252
God forbid anything unexpected
should happen...
1102
01:13:35,552 --> 01:13:38,751
...any perchances, happenstances...
1103
01:13:39,151 --> 01:13:41,850
...left turns, serendipities!
1104
01:13:42,250 --> 01:13:44,650
Nope, no way! Not allowed!
1105
01:13:44,950 --> 01:13:47,249
Out-of-bounds! Foul ball!
1106
01:13:47,549 --> 01:13:51,449
15-yard penalty!
Too much time being spontaneous!
1107
01:13:51,949 --> 01:13:54,948
Everything's gotta be connected.
Gotta connect the dots.
1108
01:13:55,348 --> 01:13:57,347
Maybe that's why they call her Dot.
1109
01:13:57,647 --> 01:14:01,047
You notice that her name wasn't
Gay or Joy or Fun!
1110
01:14:01,447 --> 01:14:02,646
Try the bread-
1111
01:14:02,946 --> 01:14:05,446
You can't even fuck
unless everything's just right!
1112
01:14:06,146 --> 01:14:10,245
Like a plane waiting for takeoff.
Windows shut? Check.
1113
01:14:10,745 --> 01:14:14,144
Doors locked? Check!
Heat on? Check!
1114
01:14:14,444 --> 01:14:17,144
Have we covered every possible,
single reason...
1115
01:14:17,644 --> 01:14:19,143
...why everything is my fault?!
1116
01:14:19,443 --> 01:14:23,742
Houston, we got a problem
and her name is Dot!
1117
01:14:24,142 --> 01:14:26,942
- Ben, bread.
- There are people like Katie and Dot...
1118
01:14:27,442 --> 01:14:29,941
...who color inside the lines,
and people like you...
1119
01:14:30,241 --> 01:14:33,340
...who wander outside.
That can be a very endearing quality.
1120
01:14:33,740 --> 01:14:36,840
That's why Katie fell in love
with you. Once you have kids-
1121
01:14:37,340 --> 01:14:38,939
I am not a third child!
1122
01:14:39,339 --> 01:14:41,839
Excuse me if my watch has no hands on it.
1123
01:14:42,239 --> 01:14:45,738
That's fine. It's just somebody
has to establish the routine-
1124
01:14:46,138 --> 01:14:48,338
Are you saying it's all my fault?!
1125
01:14:49,537 --> 01:14:50,937
It's nobody's fault!
1126
01:14:51,137 --> 01:14:54,136
When people say it's nobody's fault,
they don't mean that.
1127
01:14:54,636 --> 01:14:57,936
They mean it's your fault!
The nobody's fault things are...
1128
01:14:58,236 --> 01:15:01,735
...hurricanes, earthquakes,
tornadoes, acts of God!
1129
01:15:02,135 --> 01:15:05,834
But when a marriage fails,
it's gotta be somebody's fault!
1130
01:15:06,234 --> 01:15:07,434
And it's not mine!
1131
01:15:08,734 --> 01:15:12,033
Take that fucking bread and shove it
up the tops of your legs!
1132
01:15:55,325 --> 01:15:59,324
Maybe I'm tired! Maybe I'm
dealing with 5000 things all day long!
1133
01:15:59,824 --> 01:16:02,323
Maybe every need you have
doesn't have to be met...
1134
01:16:02,623 --> 01:16:04,823
...at the exact moment you need it to be met!
1135
01:16:05,123 --> 01:16:08,722
I'm sick and tired of being
the designated driver of this marriage!
1136
01:16:09,022 --> 01:16:11,821
Nobody designated you!
It's a role you gave yourself!
1137
01:16:12,221 --> 01:16:15,021
Not once have you seen it through my eyes!
1138
01:16:15,421 --> 01:16:18,720
We don't have a pea under our
mattress. You know what we have?
1139
01:16:19,020 --> 01:16:21,219
A fucking watermelon!
1140
01:16:31,517 --> 01:16:32,817
You okay?
1141
01:16:34,817 --> 01:16:36,517
Take me to Katie's.
1142
01:16:40,416 --> 01:16:41,116
Ben!
1143
01:16:41,516 --> 01:16:43,015
What are you doing here?
1144
01:16:43,815 --> 01:16:46,115
I wanted to know what your high was today.
1145
01:16:47,914 --> 01:16:49,914
You should've called.
1146
01:16:50,614 --> 01:16:52,413
My high was about you.
1147
01:16:55,613 --> 01:16:58,312
Tonight I saw myself through your eyes.
1148
01:17:00,412 --> 01:17:01,512
Ben...
1149
01:17:03,511 --> 01:17:04,711
And I'm sorry.
1150
01:17:05,111 --> 01:17:06,611
It might be a nice touch...
1151
01:17:06,911 --> 01:17:10,010
...if you add some roasted peanuts
to the sesame-
1152
01:17:10,310 --> 01:17:11,510
I'm...
1153
01:17:16,409 --> 01:17:19,408
At some point we should discuss
how to tell the children.
1154
01:17:51,502 --> 01:17:53,402
How you doing? Come on in.
1155
01:17:54,701 --> 01:17:56,001
This is nice.
1156
01:17:56,301 --> 01:17:57,201
Thanks.
1157
01:17:57,501 --> 01:18:00,400
It's close to the park.
The kids and I can walk.
1158
01:18:00,700 --> 01:18:02,700
You want something to drink?
1159
01:18:03,100 --> 01:18:05,799
I'll take water if you don't have anything else.
1160
01:18:08,599 --> 01:18:10,498
We have pretty much anything you want.
1161
01:18:10,798 --> 01:18:12,598
Beer, Gatorade...
1162
01:18:12,898 --> 01:18:14,997
...fruit juice, iced tea.
1163
01:18:15,297 --> 01:18:16,897
Iced tea is fine.
1164
01:18:24,496 --> 01:18:25,395
Here you go.
1165
01:18:26,095 --> 01:18:27,495
You have a watch.
1166
01:18:28,095 --> 01:18:28,995
Yeah.
1167
01:18:29,994 --> 01:18:31,194
Come on in.
1168
01:18:33,494 --> 01:18:34,794
Sit down here.
1169
01:18:44,892 --> 01:18:46,791
I think we should...
1170
01:18:48,891 --> 01:18:52,990
When we pick the kids up Thursday,
we should just tell them that night.
1171
01:18:54,290 --> 01:18:57,089
We don't have to tell them right away.
1172
01:18:57,389 --> 01:18:58,489
Why?
1173
01:18:58,989 --> 01:19:01,288
What will change between now and Thursday?
1174
01:19:03,688 --> 01:19:05,688
Katie, you're seeing someone else.
1175
01:19:05,987 --> 01:19:08,187
I'm not seeing him.
1176
01:19:08,487 --> 01:19:10,287
We're just talking.
1177
01:19:12,286 --> 01:19:13,286
Right.
1178
01:19:16,885 --> 01:19:20,285
I won't put up with any more of this
bullshit lying to the kids.
1179
01:19:20,785 --> 01:19:24,284
We take them to Chow Fun's, their
favorite restaurant, to tell them.
1180
01:19:24,684 --> 01:19:27,283
We can't really talk at Chow Fun's.
1181
01:19:27,683 --> 01:19:29,883
We'll go to the house and tell them at dinner.
1182
01:19:30,283 --> 01:19:31,183
After dinner.
1183
01:19:31,383 --> 01:19:33,882
We'll all sit down and...
1184
01:19:34,282 --> 01:19:36,681
Jesus, how do we say this?
1185
01:19:40,181 --> 01:19:43,980
We'll just tell them how much we love them...
1186
01:19:44,980 --> 01:19:47,179
...how amazing and beautiful they are...
1187
01:19:47,479 --> 01:19:50,479
...so they don't think
that any of this is their fault.
1188
01:19:50,779 --> 01:19:52,678
That's the important thing.
1189
01:19:54,378 --> 01:19:56,078
We'll just say that...
1190
01:19:56,678 --> 01:19:58,377
...Mommy and Daddy...
1191
01:20:00,077 --> 01:20:02,177
...or Mom and Dad...
1192
01:20:02,976 --> 01:20:04,176
You think Mom and Dad?
1193
01:20:04,576 --> 01:20:05,676
Mommy and Daddy.
1194
01:20:07,875 --> 01:20:10,475
We'll say that Mommy and Daddy
have grown apart.
1195
01:20:11,275 --> 01:20:14,874
I was just thinking about Erin.
She'll probably say something like:
1196
01:20:15,174 --> 01:20:18,773
"Well, there must be something right
about you guys...
1197
01:20:19,173 --> 01:20:23,072
...for you to produce
such beautiful and amazing kids."
1198
01:20:26,972 --> 01:20:29,471
She might say something like that,
you know?
1199
01:20:38,569 --> 01:20:40,869
We'll just tell her that they were...
1200
01:20:42,269 --> 01:20:44,368
...born in love and we'll always love them...
1201
01:20:44,768 --> 01:20:47,268
...but Mommy and Daddy
don't love each other anymore.
1202
01:20:49,367 --> 01:20:53,167
Well, wouldn't it be better if we told them...
1203
01:20:56,266 --> 01:20:59,465
...we still love each other,
but in a different way?
1204
01:21:01,565 --> 01:21:02,565
Fine.
1205
01:21:03,965 --> 01:21:06,564
- We shouldn't say that?
- I said it was fine.
1206
01:21:07,564 --> 01:21:10,363
Well, it was kind of a weird "fine."
1207
01:21:11,663 --> 01:21:15,962
Should I be thrilled about how we
love each other in a different way?
1208
01:21:27,560 --> 01:21:30,159
Who is it?
Your couch is here.
1209
01:21:30,459 --> 01:21:33,359
Where have you guys been?
Come on in.
1210
01:21:35,058 --> 01:21:37,758
They were supposed to be here
first thing this morning.
1211
01:21:44,257 --> 01:21:46,756
I'll pick you up at 5:00
on Thursday?
1212
01:22:01,153 --> 01:22:02,453
So is there...
1213
01:22:03,653 --> 01:22:05,553
...anything else we need to talk about?
1214
01:22:06,052 --> 01:22:07,052
Like what?
1215
01:22:10,352 --> 01:22:11,351
Nothing.
1216
01:22:14,651 --> 01:22:15,751
Bye.
1217
01:22:37,346 --> 01:22:38,646
What happened to you?
1218
01:22:39,046 --> 01:22:41,945
What happened to that fun girl
with the pith helmet?
1219
01:22:42,345 --> 01:22:46,145
You don't think I ask myself
that every day?
1220
01:22:46,645 --> 01:22:48,244
I'm talking about a connection!
1221
01:22:48,644 --> 01:22:52,743
A look! Something that says
that we're on the same side here!
1222
01:22:53,843 --> 01:22:56,343
Isn't this the moment
where one of us says:
1223
01:22:56,643 --> 01:22:58,642
"This is ridiculous. We love each other.
1224
01:22:58,942 --> 01:23:01,942
All couples go through this.
Let's give it another try"?
1225
01:23:15,239 --> 01:23:17,139
It was supposed to rain today.
1226
01:23:18,638 --> 01:23:19,938
Glad it didn't.
1227
01:23:21,438 --> 01:23:22,538
Me too.
1228
01:23:27,037 --> 01:23:29,136
Turn here. If you take Sepulveda...
1229
01:23:31,936 --> 01:23:32,836
What?
1230
01:23:34,335 --> 01:23:35,435
Nothing.
1231
01:23:49,032 --> 01:23:51,432
Do you, Katie, take Ben...
1232
01:23:51,732 --> 01:23:53,532
...to have and to hold...
1233
01:23:53,931 --> 01:23:55,931
...in sickness and in health...
1234
01:23:56,231 --> 01:23:58,131
...for better or for worse...
1235
01:23:58,631 --> 01:24:01,230
- ... till death do you part?
- I do.
1236
01:24:04,829 --> 01:24:06,529
It's a boy.
It's a girl.
1237
01:24:06,829 --> 01:24:07,629
It's a bunny!
1238
01:24:08,029 --> 01:24:09,228
It's a home run!
1239
01:24:09,528 --> 01:24:10,728
It's chickenpox.
1240
01:24:11,028 --> 01:24:11,828
It's over.
1241
01:24:12,028 --> 01:24:13,228
I love you.
1242
01:24:13,628 --> 01:24:14,427
Damn you!
1243
01:24:14,627 --> 01:24:15,427
I love you.
1244
01:24:16,427 --> 01:24:17,227
Damn it!
1245
01:24:17,627 --> 01:24:18,427
I love you.
1246
01:24:18,727 --> 01:24:20,326
I love you. I love you. I love you.
1247
01:24:20,626 --> 01:24:21,926
I hate you!
1248
01:24:22,226 --> 01:24:23,926
Fuck me. Fuck me.
1249
01:24:24,326 --> 01:24:25,125
Fuck you!
1250
01:24:28,725 --> 01:24:29,724
I love you.
1251
01:24:30,124 --> 01:24:30,924
I'm pregnant.
1252
01:24:31,224 --> 01:24:32,324
My goldfish died.
1253
01:24:32,724 --> 01:24:33,624
My hamster died.
1254
01:24:33,924 --> 01:24:34,724
My father's dying.
1255
01:24:35,023 --> 01:24:36,223
I'm pregnant.
1256
01:24:56,419 --> 01:24:58,219
Maybe we should separate.
1257
01:25:37,911 --> 01:25:39,811
Mom! Dad!
1258
01:25:40,211 --> 01:25:41,411
- You ready?
- Yeah.
1259
01:25:46,310 --> 01:25:48,509
What's up? It's good to see you.
1260
01:25:48,909 --> 01:25:50,209
How you doing?
1261
01:25:51,609 --> 01:25:52,608
What's the matter?
1262
01:25:53,208 --> 01:25:55,308
She just missed you, that's all.
1263
01:25:55,708 --> 01:25:58,007
You've both just grown so big.
1264
01:25:58,407 --> 01:26:00,907
Look at you guys.
I hardly recognize you. Wait.
1265
01:26:02,007 --> 01:26:03,006
Which one is Erin?
1266
01:26:04,006 --> 01:26:05,506
Check it out, Dad.
1267
01:26:06,206 --> 01:26:09,805
I guess we know what your high
is today."Best All-Around Camper."
1268
01:26:10,305 --> 01:26:11,605
Congratulations. Look.
1269
01:26:11,905 --> 01:26:15,004
I guess this calls for a celebration!
Come on! Riverdance!
1270
01:26:15,804 --> 01:26:18,203
I'm the best all-around Riverdancer
1271
01:26:18,603 --> 01:26:21,703
Come on. Kind of like
a little Latin loopy-loo thing.
1272
01:26:22,703 --> 01:26:24,202
Go with the big finish!
1273
01:26:24,502 --> 01:26:26,202
- Dad!
- Come on! What?
1274
01:26:26,502 --> 01:26:29,701
- I have to see these kids next summer.
- Come on, we're hungry.
1275
01:26:30,601 --> 01:26:32,601
Okay. All right.
1276
01:26:34,000 --> 01:26:35,200
Okay.
1277
01:26:38,399 --> 01:26:39,299
Let's go home.
1278
01:26:52,297 --> 01:26:54,496
I think we should go to Chow Fun's.
1279
01:27:03,095 --> 01:27:04,494
Chow Fun's?
1280
01:27:06,894 --> 01:27:09,393
We agreed that we couldn't talk at Chow Fun's.
1281
01:27:09,993 --> 01:27:11,193
I know.
1282
01:27:13,093 --> 01:27:14,193
What are you saying?
1283
01:27:14,692 --> 01:27:16,492
I'm saying Chow Fun's.
1284
01:27:20,991 --> 01:27:23,891
Are you saying Chow Fun's
because you can't face telling them?
1285
01:27:24,191 --> 01:27:26,590
If that's why, don't say Chow Fun's.
1286
01:27:26,990 --> 01:27:31,089
That's not why. I'm saying Chow Fun's
because we're an "us."
1287
01:27:32,589 --> 01:27:34,689
There's a history here...
1288
01:27:34,988 --> 01:27:37,688
...and histories don't happen overnight.
1289
01:27:38,688 --> 01:27:40,487
In Mesopotamia or ancient Troy...
1290
01:27:40,787 --> 01:27:44,487
...or somewhere, there are cities
built on top of other cities...
1291
01:27:44,987 --> 01:27:47,986
...but I don't wanna build
another city. I like this city.
1292
01:27:48,386 --> 01:27:49,986
I know where we keep the Bactine...
1293
01:27:50,385 --> 01:27:53,485
...and what mood you're in
by which eyebrow is higher.
1294
01:27:53,885 --> 01:27:58,384
You always know that I'm quiet in
the morning and compensate accordingly.
1295
01:27:58,784 --> 01:28:01,383
That's a dance you perfect over time.
1296
01:28:01,683 --> 01:28:04,483
And it's much harder
than I thought it would be...
1297
01:28:04,883 --> 01:28:08,882
...but there's more good than bad.
And you don't just give up!
1298
01:28:09,382 --> 01:28:11,881
And it's not for the sake
of the children.
1299
01:28:12,181 --> 01:28:14,181
But they're great kids, aren't they?
1300
01:28:14,581 --> 01:28:16,980
And we made them!
I mean, think about that.
1301
01:28:17,280 --> 01:28:20,280
There were no people there,
and then there were people.
1302
01:28:20,580 --> 01:28:21,879
And then they grew.
1303
01:28:22,679 --> 01:28:26,278
I won't be able to say to some
stranger, "Josh has your hands"...
1304
01:28:26,778 --> 01:28:30,178
...or "Remember how Erin threw up
at the Lincoln Memorial?"
1305
01:28:30,578 --> 01:28:33,277
And I'll try to relax.
1306
01:28:34,577 --> 01:28:38,276
Let's face it, anybody will have
traits that get on your nerves.
1307
01:28:38,776 --> 01:28:42,475
Why shouldn't it be your annoying
traits? I'm no day at the beach.
1308
01:28:42,875 --> 01:28:46,275
But I do have a good sense
of direction, so I can find the beach.
1309
01:28:46,675 --> 01:28:48,974
Which is not a criticism of yours...
1310
01:28:50,274 --> 01:28:52,173
...it's just a strength of mine.
1311
01:28:52,473 --> 01:28:57,172
God, you're a good friend.
And good friends are hard to find.
1312
01:28:58,672 --> 01:29:00,872
Charlotte said that in Charlotte's Web.
1313
01:29:01,272 --> 01:29:03,171
I love the way you read that to Erin.
1314
01:29:03,571 --> 01:29:06,371
You take on the voice of Wilbur
with such commitment...
1315
01:29:06,771 --> 01:29:08,370
...even when you're bone tired.
1316
01:29:08,770 --> 01:29:12,569
That speaks volumes about character.
And ultimately...
1317
01:29:13,269 --> 01:29:16,469
...isn't that what it comes down to?
What a person's made of?
1318
01:29:16,969 --> 01:29:20,168
Because that girl in the pith helmet...
1319
01:29:20,568 --> 01:29:22,168
...is still in here.
1320
01:29:25,567 --> 01:29:28,566
I didn't even know she existed until I met you.
1321
01:29:28,966 --> 01:29:31,066
And I'm afraid if you leave...
1322
01:29:31,966 --> 01:29:33,765
...I may never see her again.
1323
01:29:34,065 --> 01:29:37,665
Even though I said you beat her
out of me. Isn't that the paradox?
1324
01:29:38,165 --> 01:29:41,464
Haven't we hit the essential paradox?
Give and take, push and pull.
1325
01:29:41,764 --> 01:29:44,563
The best of times, the worst of times.
Dickens said it best.
1326
01:29:45,063 --> 01:29:48,662
The Jack Sprat of it. He could eat
no fat. His wife could eat no lean.
1327
01:29:49,062 --> 01:29:53,062
But that doesn't apply here, does it?
I guess what I'm trying to say is...
1328
01:29:54,861 --> 01:29:57,161
...I'm saying Chow Fun's because...
1329
01:29:57,861 --> 01:29:59,360
...I love you.
1330
01:30:08,759 --> 01:30:09,958
I love you too.
1331
01:30:18,057 --> 01:30:19,656
Did you hear that, kids?
1332
01:30:19,956 --> 01:30:22,456
Your mom wants to go to Chow Fun's!
1333
01:30:23,656 --> 01:30:26,255
Isn't that great?
I love Chow Fun's!
1334
01:30:26,755 --> 01:30:29,055
The egg rolls are good, but not that good.
1335
01:30:29,455 --> 01:30:31,254
The egg rolls are fantastic!
1336
01:30:31,554 --> 01:30:33,754
They're warm, crispy, greasy as all hell.
1337
01:30:34,054 --> 01:30:36,553
- Everything you want in an egg roll!
- Exactly!
1338
01:30:36,953 --> 01:30:38,353
High/Low. Erin, you first.
1339
01:30:38,753 --> 01:30:41,552
My high for the summer is,
Austin wrote me 111 times.
1340
01:30:41,952 --> 01:30:44,152
How did you come up
with High/Low anyway?
1341
01:30:44,452 --> 01:30:46,951
I don't know.
But I've got another game.
1342
01:30:47,351 --> 01:30:49,851
I'm thinking of seven words.
What are they?
1343
01:30:50,550 --> 01:30:52,050
- Do I get a hint?
- No.
1344
01:30:52,450 --> 01:30:53,250
- A category?
- No.
1345
01:30:53,550 --> 01:30:56,549
- Any seven words in English.
- That's right.
1346
01:30:56,849 --> 01:30:58,049
Fair enough.
1347
01:30:59,049 --> 01:31:01,748
"MacArthur Park is melting
in the dark."
1348
01:31:02,148 --> 01:31:03,648
- No?
- No.
1349
01:31:05,348 --> 01:31:08,247
"And they lived happily ever after."
1350
01:31:09,147 --> 01:31:11,646
That's six words, but you're very close.
1351
01:31:13,046 --> 01:31:16,145
"And they lived mostly happily ever after"?
1352
01:31:17,045 --> 01:31:18,445
I hope so.
1353
01:31:19,245 --> 01:31:20,745
I think so.
1354
01:31:22,744 --> 01:31:23,944
Think so?
1355
01:31:24,444 --> 01:31:25,544
I do.
1356
01:31:27,043 --> 01:31:28,243
I do...
1357
01:31:28,843 --> 01:31:29,843
...too.
104234
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