Original subtitles

Sorry I'm late. It's not easy carrying an ocean liner. They are quite heavy.

The real problem is the passengers throwing up over the side.

Then I had to capture the leaders of that Chinese Triad. I know, George.

And I'm very proud of you. It's just... you really must stop bringing your work home with you.

Do you have to keep doing that while I'm here?

Who asked you to pop round at 8am?

I came because I'm concerned, Janet, about you know who. Mum, I know George is... different.

Different I can take, but not demented.

When I asked him how much TV he watched, he said, "The whole screen."

He's a bit literal. He's a pork pie short of a picnic! Janet, Piers is on.

Bless! Well, an upset tummy can really ruin a holiday. When I was in the Seychelles this winter...

To think you could be going out with Dr Breakfast TV instead. He achieved a medical first last week.

The first doctor to have his home on Through The Keyhole! It's hardly the Nobel Prize for medicine.

I'm happy with George. Piers would have been here. Where IS George?

He had to go to a very important meeting.

In the toilet.

Hi, Janet. Hello there, Mrs Dawkins. Who brings flowers out of the toilet? It's an Irish thing.

Great to see you, Mrs Dawkins. And you, George.

She wants a kiss, George. Really?

That's good. I'm beginning to feel like one of the family now.

So, what brings you here this morning?

Actually, I think Mum was just going. Weren't you, Mum?...Mum?

Bye, Mum. Bye!

I think she's warming to me.

You think so?

Remind me to tell you about different sorts of kissing. That'll be great.

Sorry I had to rush off earlier. Earthquake in Peru. Why do men always use that as an excuse?

Have you eaten anything... apart from my mother? No. Right, breakfast. Is toast and Marmite all right?

I'll eat anything... except dairy products, which make me vomit on account of my chronic mucus problem,

and anything with caffeine in it because my blood will leak through my skin... Yes, I know.

Otherwise, I'm easy.

Listen! "In our last issue, we asked who would you rather spend the night with, Thermoman or David Ginola?"

David Ginola. I spend every night with me already, and he could explain football.

This is for women. That's unfair. Most women don't even like football.

It's not about football. It's about spending the night together.

Right.

"...a staggering 72% said they would prefer to go to bed with Thermoman."

Whoo-oo, that's a bit scary. When do I have to do this? No, no, you don't. It's just a survey.

That's good. I just like being with you, Janet. Good.

Besides, we'd need a heck of a big bed.

Gotta go!

Not already. You've hardly been home.

It's local. An abandoned Russian space station is heading straight for Grimsby. So? It's my duty.

Well, finish your toast. You can't catch a space station on an empty stomach.

No-one's ever looked after me like this before. Not even my Ultronian triple-breasted wet-nurses.

George, look what you've done. It's OK - it's 100% Thermonium,

impervious to fire, flood, toxic waste and Nuclear attack...

but not Marmite, apparently.

George. Doesn't matter. You can't go to work in a stained suit.

Why not? Self-respect. You're a super-hero. You'll have to change.

I can't. They only give us the one suit. You'll just have to wait while I wash it. I've got a city to save!

The sooner you take it off, the sooner it's done.

I bet it's a man. I don't know why she's late, but a few minutes' wait won't kill you.

Mind you... I'm sorry, Mrs Chipchase. I hurried as quickly as I could.

You shouldn't have. You want to take your time with a man.

Yes - just pop along to my office. I'll be right with you.

Sorry, Mrs Raven. I've been rushed off my feet! PHONE RINGS

I'm chatting.

I can't sweet-talk patients all morning while you canoodle with Val Doonican.

I wasn't canoodling. Actually, we had our first row.

H. I remember OUR first row. It was over something tiny.

Course I shouldn't have said it was tiny... What happened? Well, I...

Hang on. Some space station's gone out of control. TURNS UP RADIO

'As we speak, the space station is still heading for Grimsby...'

My aunt lives in Grimsby. 'And the question the people of Grimsby are asking is, "Where is Thermoman?"'

Come on!

COME ON!

'We can't think where he is.

'He isn't busy with some earthquake or volcano, so why isn't he here?'

Because the washing cycle's not finished!

'Maybe he doesn't like Grimsby much. He's never been to Grimsby. He never will if he leaves it much longer.'

Tyler, not now. Sorry to bother you, Thermoman. Got a small favour to ask.

I am not Thermoman. Don't tell anyone I am cos you'll give me away. Forget that last bit.

Got any coffee I can borrow? I don't drink coffee. Neither do I. It's a drug - it messes with your brain.

Why do you want some? I'm flying to Neptune and I need it to fuel the rockets. R-r-r-right.

Look, I'm busy. Hey, T-man, shouldn't you be in Grimsby? For the last time, I'm...

Tyler, do you know how to work washing machines? Do I know how to work washing machines?

No.

Sorry, T-man. I'd better go.

Mr Sims, if the blotchiness is still there tomorrow, come back and tell me. Don't leave it for a day longer.

Serious? Yes. He says my make-up looked blotchy on the telly.

I am always here.

Coffee, love. Milk, no sugar.

I was talking to your mother, Janet. She says we'd make the ideal couple.

I hope you'll be very happy together. Have you told my father?

I know why you're resisting me. It's because I'm living with George?

Because you feel unworthy of me. You feel you're not my equal. Really? I don't mind you not being my equal.

The female psyche - one of my specialities. ...Coffee love. Milk no sugar.

Listen.

'There is relief here in Grimsby where Thermoman has arrived and dealt with the Russian space station.'

Pity. My aunt was hoping to be rehoused. 'I have a couple with me who saw him in action.'

'He caught it perfect, like he does, then he brought it down to earth.'

'And you noticed something unusual? He's normally well turned out, but he had this big stain on his suit.

'It looked like Marmite to me.'

Turning up late in a stained suit! You can't rely on anyone these days, not even super-heroes.

They say he's got himself a woman. That explains it. You'd think she'd wash his suit.

Maybe she did, but it didn't work!

Possibly... I wouldn't know.

Hi, Janet. Got there just in time. Yes, in your stained suit! The job comes first, Janet.

And if you think the suit's bad, you should see the washing machine!

Better not see the washing machine.

Everyone knows you spill your breakfast. You shouldn't have worn it. Fly in the nude?

I'm not streamlined. George... There's a drag effect... George!

You all right George? Yeah. I think I must be allergic to something. To Janet, perhaps!

It could be something you ate, biological washing powder... You use biological washing powder?

Sorry, George. It's not the first thing you ask. Last time I tried anything biological, I got triplets.

How could you, Janet? George!

Dear. Do I detect a tiff? I do hope not.

'There was something else odd about him. He looked all itchy. Yeah, he couldn't stop scratching himself.'

Of course, it's small! It says on the menu, my-NUTE steak.

Hey, George! Hi, Arnie. - Zneet, znadder, zneet.

How it's going, cuz? She washed the suit. She washed the SUIT?!

In biological washing powder. Itchy! It was at first.

Now my skin's like bubble wrap. It's popping and bursting... Must be painful.

A super-hero does not feel pain.

George, if you feel pain, acknowledge it. It's good for you. Right.

Yes, it is quite painful. I feel better for that. Good.

See that guy over there? He's a doctor. He's part of my classy, new clientele... ARR-RR-RR-GH-GH!

Just felt another twinge. Hey, Doc, you got anything for skin trouble?

Nah, not since I was struck off.

Sorry, George. I'll get over it. Hope she doesn't wash the suit again.

Why don't you get some spare suits made up, like what I did? Or have one of mine. I can't.

Weren't you fired because of your suits?

A little advertising never affected my work. Except you couldn't save people flying British Airways.

Forget the suit. I know what I CAN give you. Living With A Super-Hero.

I was going out with this Earth girl and she kept making mistakes.

Once, she gave me bourbon to drink. And your eyeballs fell out?

That's terrible. You can't see where they are to put them back in again. Did she find them for you?

When she came to. Anyways, the Ultron Council gave me this to give to her,

so she wouldn't interfere with my duties as a saviour of humankind.

"Earth woman, remember your Ultron partner is great, useful man and you are useless little lady."

That's not a very nice thing to say to a woman. It always works for me.

Avalanche. Gotta go.

You're gonna be fine, George.

Zneet.

Hey, Doc, how long have you been coming here? Coupla weeks.

For my oldest customer.

Now I swear by those.

Tchoo! I'd be useless without those.

Maybe I'll leave it, then. No, Come back! Please!

Yes, it is me. I am always here.

Are you? I've never seen you.

People actually buy this rubbish? Yes. But just not here for some reason.!

I can't think what's putting them off. Can't imagine.

This is George Sunday's shop, isn't it? He seems a decent chap. Yes. He is.

Not that I see very much of him. Really. So he's out a lot?

No, he's in a lot, but he's in there. He has a problem with his functions.

He can be in the little boys' room for hours sometimes, that poor sweet man.

I can't think what that girlfriend of his must be feeding him.

Is he there now? No, he has a job to do, then he's seeing that girlfriend.

She works for some TV doctor. I know. In fact...

He's not nice, I've heard. My mother says he's conceited. She can't look at him without feeling sick.

I'm sure his patients think he's marvellous. She is one of his patients.

Don't worry, Janet, I'm fine now. No stain. I took a power shower. We haven't got a power shower.

Niagara Falls.

I'm very sorry, George. I'll never wash your suit again.

You won't do anything wrong again. "Living With A Super-Hero.

"A complete guide to relationships between humans and Ultrons."

It's got what I can eat and wear. "Do not let Ultrons wear... acrylic socks." They melt our feet.

"Woolly hats." They make our brains shrivel. "Polyester trousers." We just think they're naff.

"Physical intimacy." Wow, they've thought of everything. I know.

"Over-indulgence can seriously sap a super-hero's powers." It says that?

You can skip that page. "Therefore you must control your desires... The next chapter's very good.

"...Limit yourselves to no more than once a month." They don't mean that.

But it's in the book. It's a misprint for "No more than once a minute."

George, I almost destroyed Grimsby, I am not going to be responsible for sapping your super-powers.

You won't. I've got gallons of sap.

If it says once a month, that's how it has to be, however hard that is for both of us.

Piers rang. He asked if you could pop in and see him later. OK.

Is this a 30 day month or 31?

I'm not surprised your mother feels rotten. My grandfather had those symptoms and he died a week later.

I'll put her in for 10.30.

Evening, George. Evening, Mrs Raven.

Janet said Dr Crispin wanted to see me. Yes. He's in the gents'.

Strange place to see me. Still... No, I mean he'll be out in a second.

Right. So, how's life treating you, Mrs Raven?

My job's horrible, my kids are possessed, so my life's a nightmare and I can't wait to be dead.

That's something to look forward to.

There you are, George. Let's go into my office.

I won't need you any more, Mrs Raven. You can get home to the triplets. Let joy be unconfined.

Come in, George. Glad you could make it. What do you think of the surgery?

Wow! It's very...

sophisticated. Yes. Yes, I like it.

It's both the room of a doctor and a major television star.

Right. So you share it with him? That must save a lot on rent. Who?

The television star. I'm the television star.

Got you! So who's the doctor?

How's the itching? It's fine, thanks.

I'm worried about you. I'd better examine you, make sure you're OK.

No, I... Just unbutton your shirt. Want to make sure you're normal. Really, I'm...

And Janet asked me to, as a friend.

She didn't tell me that. Well, she didn't want to worry you. Isn't that Janet all over?

We're rivals for Janet's affections, but...

I think she prefers me. She calls you an egocentric, slimy...

All right, but what say we forget our little differences?

Wonder how the old eyesight is? Come on.

Now, can you read the bottom line on that chart over there? Sure.

"Made and printed in England by JG Farrell and Co."

Right.

Breathe in.

And breathe out.

Good. Well, let's check the old ticker, shall we?

Yes, that's a terrific heart. Thanks.

And... that's another terrific heart.

It's probably an echo. Two hearts. Not something I come across regularly, George.

Or should I say Thermoman?

Lord, I'm appearing live on prime-time television tomorrow.

I hope I don't accidentally let slip that Thermoman is living with my nurse. Janet'd have to leave work.

She'd be hounded by the press. Her life wouldn't be worth living. Poor, dear, sweet Janet.

I'm sure you wouldn't want that for her, would you, George?

I thought it might come in useful, if you ever get bored with karate. Thanks.

Funny, I often think of Jane Asher when I'm doing karate. Shouldn't you be getting home, Mum?

I thought I might wait till George gets back. Why? Just to say hello.

By the way, I talked to him about that kissing business. He won't do that again. Won't he?

No. He was very sorry. Good. Good. Well, that's a relief. Yes, indeed.

On second thoughts, I don't think I will stay.?

No. I'd better get back... to your father.

Hi. Have a good evening? I have to leave Northolt, Janet. I have to go. What? Dr Crispin knows who I am.

He says he'll announce it on television tomorrow unless I leave. No! He can't!

What a relief! I thought he could. Three cheers for Janet! No, he can, George, but we'll have to stop him.

Right. We'll think it all through calmly and rationally.

We'll kill him. Janet, I am Thermoman. I live by the hero's code.

I have vowed to protect all human life. But he's going to separate us.

You're right, let's kill him. ...No, I can't.

Well, there must be some other way. You ARE a super-hero. Yes, there must be something.

What? Nothing. I just find snapping my fingers helps me think.

If only you could make him forget who you are. That's it! Erase his memory, his memory of who I am!

You're great, Janet. I'll do it now. Is it painful?

He won't feel a thing. Could you make it painful? Well, it can have an embarrassing side effect.

Perfect!

No, George not for another month.

I hate that book.

Thermoman, just come to say goodbye before you fly away?

Hello, George. What are you doing here?

Just passing, Dr Crispin. How are you? Fine, thanks. See you.

Jenny! Have you seen Dr Crippen this morning? No. Why?

He won't take it off. Very odd. And there's something else funny, too.

I'm sorry, I've never seen anything like it. It's a verruca, Doctor.

Verruca? No. New one on me.

Extraordinary! They're all coming in with such amazing conditions.

He's been like it all morning. 15 minutes ago, he thought polio was a mint!

He's forgotten the lot! And a pelvic floor was a sort of kitchen lino.

Don't miss me on telly this evening. It's my first prime-time television phone-in... Ask The Experts.

I wouldn't miss it for the world. Could you get this fixed? It's missing the Walkman on the end.

Right, who's next?

Mrs Lamb. Her artificial hip's playing up. You should have a real hip like the rest of us.

Doctor, Blanchard's rang. They said it'd be ready at four. Excellent.

That's the wig makers. It's for a patient. Didn't know you got wigs for patients.

I'm the sort of doctor who treats the whole person, from the head right down to the...

Uterus?

That's it.

I can't leave him like that. Serves him right. The hero's code, Janet.

I've injured another human being. I haven't done that since I blew a policeman through a wall.

You blew a policeman through a wall? I was in the station and he said, "Well, blow me!" so I did.

Well, it's lucky that's all he said.

Somehow I've got to make Piers a doctor again by tonight.

Are you off to the little boys' room again, Mr Sunday? I'm a martyr to it, Avril. Poor thing.

He wouldn't be like that if I was looking after him. What? Nothing.

Mr Kowalski, either you send me 100 bucks or I will be forced to send the photos to your wife.

What's the guy done? No idea. I gotta get lucky some time.

Hey, George!

Zneet, znadder, zneet.

How's it goin'? I've just erased a doctor's entire medical knowledge.

I did that for a bet once. The guy practised for another 20 years. No, Arnie, I've got to put it back.

What you need is speed-speaking. You memorise the stuff real fast, then talk it straight into his ear.

At the speed of light. You don't even have to take it in. Hey, Doc!

Still use your professional books? Sure - to hold up my liquor cabinet.

Take them, George. Thanks. Hey, how did you get on with that manual I gave you?

Janet read the "physical intimacy" page. Once a month! You told her the Ultron month equals one Earth day?

I didn't realise. It's a lie, but how the hell's she gonna know?

It might help him fit into the community. Acting?

The local am dram society are doing A Streetcar Named Desire.

George might make a good Stanley - the young man who ravishes Blanche Dubois. And who's playing Blanche?

Well, I am, as it happens.

You? You fancy being ravished by George, do you?

Good Lord, no! No, no, no, no. It's acting. It's purely acting, that's all.

Well, I think George might be busy actually. Well, just a thought.

Here he is. Hi Janet. Hi, Mrs Dawkins.

There - got it right this time. So you did.

Yes, it's better this way. I couldn't get the taste of Dentufix out of my mouth last time.

Really. You'd better put the television on, Janet. Lovely Piers will be on in a minute.

Right.

How did you get on? I speed-read this lot into his ear. He'll be fine. Pity. Ssh, Janet, he's on!

...Dr Piers Crispin. Good evening.

Dr Crispin is familiar to viewers for his Breakfast TV spot, Cure It With Crispin. Snap, crackle and doc.

Is he wearing a wig? Good Lord, I think he is, yes.

I wonder why. No idea, no idea at all.

Dr Crispin, a new report says many GPs aren't being taught bedside manner.

As a matter of fact, that's what I call my house, Bedside Manor.

Where did you get this book, George? Off a guy in New York - Doc somebody. Why?

Your bedside manner is famous, so how do you reassure patients?

You don't know what sort of a doc?

Say you're treating a female patient, heavily pregnant, confined to her bed.

First of all I'd slip on my trusty rubber gloves... right up to the shoulder.

He's so hygienic.

Then I'd say, "Come on, old girl, I bet you'll be a good milker. Let's see what we've got."

Dr Crispin... Sometimes the poor cow has real problems, then you almost have to climb in and yank it out.

My God, what have I done?!

Moving on, patients with a broken leg? Well, in the case of some patients, I just have to shoot them.

I can't find my suit. It looked grubby, so I sent it to the cleaners.

That's OK, as long as it's... What?!

Joke.

It's Piers.

And finally, Breakfast TV Doctor Piers Crispin was arrested tonight

after a TV interview in which he revealed to stunned viewers that he had shot some of his patients.

He was later released pending psychiatric reports.

Dear. It's not funny, Janet. No, I know.

I'll put his memory back tomorrow. He'll be fine. Good. I'm not mucking out his surgery.

Janet, remember that booklet I gave you? Yes.

It didn't say that an Ultron month is the equivalent of an earth day. That's not true, is it?

No, it isn't.

Why don't we just forget all about it? How can I forget all about it?

I'll try not to make all your hair fall out.