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1
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Do you Grant... I do!
2
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:07,240
I enjoy my sex addiction! It
3
00:00:03,400 --> 00:00:07,240
distracts from the drugs and booze.
4
00:00:07,240 --> 00:00:08,520
I need an answer?
5
00:00:08,520 --> 00:00:09,920
I...
6
00:00:09,920 --> 00:00:11,320
It's do.
7
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No wonder I havn't had sex in seven
years...
8
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Seven years!
9
00:00:15,720 --> 00:00:17,960
I know I humiliated you,
I'm really sorry.
10
00:00:17,960 --> 00:00:21,880
Is there any way I can
make this better? Anything?
11
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'Oh, good Lord.
12
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'Grant is having sex with me.
13
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'Oh, this is bad,
this is a bad thing, Michelle.
14
00:00:42,920 --> 00:00:44,360
'What am I going to do?
15
00:00:44,360 --> 00:00:49,640
'I know! Enter a zen-like taoist
state to transcend the situation.
16
00:00:49,640 --> 00:00:52,880
' # My old man's a dustman
He wears a dustman's hat
17
00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,080
' # He wears cor blimey trousers...'
18
00:00:54,080 --> 00:00:55,160
Ooooh!
19
00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:56,280
'Oh, right.'
20
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:57,360
Ooooh!
21
00:00:59,320 --> 00:01:02,960
' # Knees up Mother Brown
Knees up Mother Brown... #
22
00:01:02,960 --> 00:01:05,040
'At least I know this one's name.
23
00:01:05,040 --> 00:01:07,560
'And it's a more fun use
of my time than laundry.
24
00:01:07,560 --> 00:01:09,880
'Oh, how I miss laundry.
25
00:01:09,880 --> 00:01:13,640
'Oh, excellent,
he seems to be nearly done.'
26
00:01:13,640 --> 00:01:16,160
Nofio!
27
00:01:19,880 --> 00:01:24,600
That...is the best thing
that has ever happened to me!
28
00:01:24,600 --> 00:01:27,040
What does "nofio" mean?
29
00:01:27,040 --> 00:01:31,000
Oh! It's Welsh. It means "swim".
30
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Claire.
31
00:01:38,040 --> 00:01:40,200
What we talked about last night.
32
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You won't tell anyone, will you?
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00:01:42,360 --> 00:01:44,320
No, course not.
34
00:01:44,320 --> 00:01:49,040
And send... You're telling people
already, aren't you?
35
00:01:49,040 --> 00:01:50,400
No!
36
00:01:50,400 --> 00:01:53,920
MESSAGE ALERTS UPSTAIRS
37
00:01:51,800 --> 00:01:53,920
Yes.
38
00:01:53,920 --> 00:01:55,920
BOTH: Urghhh!
39
00:01:55,920 --> 00:01:59,000
I cannot believe Chris
hasn't had sex in seven years.
40
00:01:59,000 --> 00:02:03,200
I've just had it in seven minutes.
41
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:04,840
Yeah. Go you(!)
42
00:02:04,840 --> 00:02:07,960
Don't mind if I do! Oh...!
43
00:02:07,960 --> 00:02:11,960
'Oh, no! I'm gonna do it again!
44
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:13,760
'No. No, I can stop this.
45
00:02:13,760 --> 00:02:15,440
'I can just simply say...'
46
00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:17,040
Grant. Yes?
47
00:02:17,040 --> 00:02:18,840
'I can't hurt his feelings.
48
00:02:18,840 --> 00:02:21,080
'Look at his strange little face.'
49
00:02:21,880 --> 00:02:23,440
What is it Michelle?
50
00:02:23,440 --> 00:02:26,360
I... You're...
51
00:02:26,360 --> 00:02:30,320
You're doing a really
smashing job with your sexings.
52
00:02:30,320 --> 00:02:32,600
You really do me up a treat.
53
00:02:32,600 --> 00:02:34,840
Thanks! I learnt with a metronome.
54
00:02:34,840 --> 00:02:37,880
It's the same way
I learnt to play the clarinet!
55
00:02:37,880 --> 00:02:39,760
One, two! One, two!
56
00:02:39,760 --> 00:02:42,400
I can't even look at you, Claire.
57
00:02:44,760 --> 00:02:46,600
Now I can.
58
00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,760
How could you tell everyone?
59
00:02:48,760 --> 00:02:51,040
Oh, Chris... Sweetheart...
60
00:02:51,040 --> 00:02:54,240
Because it's funny.
61
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,320
GRANT: Allegro! Allegro! Allegro! >
62
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,920
Right! I'm going!
63
00:02:58,320 --> 00:03:01,920
Fortissimo! >
64
00:03:01,920 --> 00:03:04,720
I have to rebuild my shattered
reputation thanks to you!
65
00:03:04,720 --> 00:03:08,840
I am doing a PhD. My
undergraduates will be devastated.
66
00:03:08,840 --> 00:03:13,800
I'd led them to believe I was
a throbbing love God to the good
women of Chorlton-cum-Hardy!
67
00:03:13,800 --> 00:03:16,400
There are no good women in Chorlton.
68
00:03:16,400 --> 00:03:18,120
It's "cum-Hardy", Claire.
69
00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:19,760
Chorlton-cum-Hardy.
70
00:03:19,760 --> 00:03:21,600
Not for you, it doesn't.
71
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,600
Nofio! >
72
00:03:28,880 --> 00:03:31,760
'How am I going to get rid of him?
73
00:03:31,760 --> 00:03:33,920
'OK. Cruel to be kind.'
74
00:03:33,920 --> 00:03:36,440
How dare you! Just leave!
75
00:03:36,440 --> 00:03:38,000
What?!
76
00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:40,400
How could you? Get out!
77
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:45,280
What?! What is it? Is it
78
00:03:40,400 --> 00:03:45,280
because I never remove my underpants?
79
00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:51,000
No...I didn't notice
you'd kept your underpants on.
80
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:54,440
I sewed in a secret
flap cum trapdoor.
81
00:03:54,440 --> 00:03:57,960
Actually cum trapdoor
is an appropriate phrase.
82
00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,640
'Think, Michelle, think.'
83
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:01,280
Oh, you know!
84
00:04:01,280 --> 00:04:04,440
You know! You know exactly
what you've done. Go on! Out!
85
00:04:04,440 --> 00:04:06,520
'Well, that was fiendish.'
86
00:04:06,520 --> 00:04:09,040
Please don't send me away.
87
00:04:09,040 --> 00:04:11,440
I'll do anything. I'm so sorry.
88
00:04:11,440 --> 00:04:13,480
I don't even know what I've done!
89
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:14,600
Look, just leave.
90
00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,440
And take your stupid gifts with you!
91
00:04:17,440 --> 00:04:19,000
I didn't bring any gifts.
92
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,040
Yes... Well, my bin really needs
93
00:04:19,000 --> 00:04:22,040
emptying.
94
00:04:22,880 --> 00:04:26,040
What's really going on? You've
changed your tune so quickly.
95
00:04:26,040 --> 00:04:30,720
One minute you're like
Whitney Houston's I Will Always
Love You, the next you're like...
96
00:04:30,720 --> 00:04:32,560
Whitney Houston.
97
00:04:34,440 --> 00:04:36,480
Grant, I can't deal with this.
98
00:04:36,480 --> 00:04:38,960
What is it?
99
00:04:38,960 --> 00:04:45,360
I thought it was good. I can
tell you liked it because you didn't
nod off half as much as the others.
100
00:04:45,360 --> 00:04:48,320
Yeah, it was, I just...
101
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:50,160
Arghhh...
102
00:04:50,160 --> 00:04:53,400
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I just...
103
00:04:53,400 --> 00:04:55,280
Oh, God...
104
00:04:55,280 --> 00:04:57,560
I just...
105
00:04:57,560 --> 00:04:59,960
I really don't fancy you.
106
00:04:59,960 --> 00:05:01,880
AUDIENCE: Awwwww!
107
00:05:01,880 --> 00:05:05,720
Oh, that was quite easy. What?
108
00:05:05,720 --> 00:05:08,720
I was having trouble
saying it but then I did it!
109
00:05:08,720 --> 00:05:12,120
I guess those self-help books
are working! This is progress.
110
00:05:12,120 --> 00:05:14,400
I deserve a latte.
111
00:05:14,400 --> 00:05:15,720
You don't fancy me?
112
00:05:15,720 --> 00:05:17,640
No!
113
00:05:17,640 --> 00:05:19,040
HE CHOKES
114
00:05:19,040 --> 00:05:21,000
Are you crying?
115
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:22,760
No...
116
00:05:22,760 --> 00:05:25,000
I slept in my contact lenses and...
117
00:05:25,000 --> 00:05:27,440
it makes me sad.
118
00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:32,320
Oh, God. I've never
seen a grown man cry before.
119
00:05:32,320 --> 00:05:33,880
Erm...
120
00:05:35,200 --> 00:05:37,480
That makes me happy.
121
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:39,880
HE SOBS
122
00:05:38,440 --> 00:05:39,880
Oh...
123
00:05:39,880 --> 00:05:41,040
Ah...
124
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:42,680
HE SOBS
125
00:05:42,680 --> 00:05:43,720
Ah...
126
00:05:43,720 --> 00:05:46,400
No! No, I'm not doing this!
127
00:05:46,400 --> 00:05:50,320
The next time I arbitrarily sleep
with some bloke it'll be serious.
128
00:05:50,320 --> 00:05:51,400
HE HOWLS
129
00:05:52,400 --> 00:05:53,480
Oh, fine!
130
00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,760
"..in seven years."
131
00:05:58,760 --> 00:06:00,840
And...send.
132
00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:06,800
Grant! Have you...? What?
133
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:07,960
With Michelle?!
134
00:06:07,960 --> 00:06:10,040
SHE GIGGLES
135
00:06:10,040 --> 00:06:13,120
Give me a G! G.
136
00:06:13,120 --> 00:06:14,400
Gimme an R!
137
00:06:14,400 --> 00:06:16,320
R. Gimme an ant!
138
00:06:16,320 --> 00:06:18,840
Ant. What's your middle name?
139
00:06:18,840 --> 00:06:20,760
Aloyisius.
140
00:06:22,280 --> 00:06:25,800
Sod that. Gooooo, Grant!
141
00:06:25,800 --> 00:06:28,120
I know.
142
00:06:32,720 --> 00:06:34,600
Michelle...
143
00:06:34,600 --> 00:06:37,600
Have you just performed
a humping and a dumping?
144
00:06:37,600 --> 00:06:40,480
I know, I know.
145
00:06:40,480 --> 00:06:43,160
I'll make it up to him.
I'll buy him a present.
146
00:06:43,160 --> 00:06:45,200
Wow! A present!
147
00:06:45,200 --> 00:06:48,440
If only Romeo and Juliet
had ended like that.
148
00:06:48,440 --> 00:06:54,520
"Sorry about the pretending to
be dead thing, but I got you
The Best of Crowded House on CD.
149
00:06:54,520 --> 00:06:57,560
You're right, that's
so patronising of me.
150
00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,840
Instead, I'll get him something
he really, really wants.
151
00:07:00,840 --> 00:07:03,280
I'll get him a girlfriend!
152
00:07:07,120 --> 00:07:09,280
So, Alex, you're a barman.
153
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:11,320
You have VIP access to women.
154
00:07:11,320 --> 00:07:14,320
Yeah? Well, I'm having a bit of a...
155
00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:16,920
let's call it a gash-flow
crisis at the minute.
156
00:07:16,920 --> 00:07:18,600
Course I'll help you!
157
00:07:18,600 --> 00:07:21,640
I've got a piece of advice
that never fails to work. Yeah?
158
00:07:21,640 --> 00:07:23,920
Be better looking.
159
00:07:23,920 --> 00:07:29,560
Oh, very funny. Well, if that's what
counts for sexual attractiveness to
women I want nothing to do with it.
160
00:07:29,560 --> 00:07:33,600
No, I'll rely on my intellect, my
natural urbanity, my sophistication.
161
00:07:33,600 --> 00:07:35,360
They're the qualities women want.
162
00:07:35,360 --> 00:07:37,400
MESSAGE ALERT
163
00:07:37,400 --> 00:07:39,440
So? Seven years, eh?
164
00:07:39,440 --> 00:07:41,240
You've got to help me.
165
00:07:41,240 --> 00:07:43,280
GIRLS GIGGLE
166
00:07:44,040 --> 00:07:48,840
Fiddlesticks! This incendiary device
is having a marked effect on my
feelings of security.
167
00:07:48,840 --> 00:07:53,080
It threatens to rage out of control
and engulf us in a terrorsome
Vesuvian fireball.
168
00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,280
I must extinguish it.
169
00:07:57,800 --> 00:07:59,320
'I love being Alex.
170
00:07:59,320 --> 00:08:01,440
'It's so much better than
being Chris.'
171
00:08:01,440 --> 00:08:02,920
All right, Grant!
172
00:08:02,920 --> 00:08:05,080
Looking smart! 'Or Grant.'
173
00:08:05,080 --> 00:08:06,920
Grant! You kept me up all night.
174
00:08:06,920 --> 00:08:11,440
'Aye, aye?' Leave me alone, Chris,
I'm not in the mood.
175
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:18,800
You and Michelle. I heard
everything. Her room's above mine!
176
00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:22,240
You ejaculate loudly and I
don't want it rubbed in my face.
177
00:08:25,480 --> 00:08:28,480
I think we've found
your problem, mate.
178
00:08:28,480 --> 00:08:31,360
Well, it won't happen again.
179
00:08:31,360 --> 00:08:33,440
Even though it was brilliant.
180
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:36,640
I was brilliant.
Stuck to every rule in the book.
181
00:08:36,640 --> 00:08:38,240
What book? This book.
182
00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:43,400
Rules: One.
183
00:08:43,400 --> 00:08:45,440
I wrote this chapter at 17.
184
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:48,480
"Do not employ the following phrases.
185
00:08:48,480 --> 00:08:50,920
"One - What the hell is that?
186
00:08:50,920 --> 00:08:53,560
"Two - Crikey, it's cavernous."
187
00:08:54,560 --> 00:08:56,200
Or number three,
188
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,120
"Mummy."
189
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,440
Can I see that book? No.
190
00:08:58,120 --> 00:09:02,440
My latest chapter is about Michelle.
191
00:09:02,440 --> 00:09:06,520
Rule number 8...954 -
192
00:09:06,520 --> 00:09:08,280
do not sleep with Michelle.
193
00:09:08,280 --> 00:09:10,760
Because it hurts. Here.
194
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,960
You're dropping
your seeds everywhere.
195
00:09:12,960 --> 00:09:16,240
Whoa! Guys!
196
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:18,200
This is a family pub.
197
00:09:18,200 --> 00:09:20,400
'Maybe I should be more like Alex.
198
00:09:20,400 --> 00:09:23,440
'Look at him. Yes. Look at me.'
199
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:27,960
The worst thing - she's asked
me to meet a friend of hers here.
200
00:09:27,960 --> 00:09:33,640
She's got the nerve to set me up
with some so-called mate who's
probably a desperate single woman...
201
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:34,600
Are you Grant?
202
00:09:34,600 --> 00:09:37,240
Oh... Nofio.
203
00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:40,600
MANCHESTER ACCENT: You aw-right?
204
00:09:40,600 --> 00:09:43,200
How's about we go mad
for it on some eckies?
205
00:09:43,200 --> 00:09:46,280
Then go to Stalybridge
and drink some pea whet.
206
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,760
I've had the text. Claire!
207
00:09:56,440 --> 00:10:00,960
So I think he'll really liked Chloe.
She's sweet and clever
and really very pretty.
208
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:06,040
Awww. Is she patronising and
arrogant and really very selfish?
209
00:10:06,040 --> 00:10:07,800
Because that seems to be his type.
210
00:10:09,440 --> 00:10:12,160
Urghh! Look at you! Eating!
211
00:10:12,160 --> 00:10:14,240
What is going on here?
212
00:10:14,240 --> 00:10:17,400
Why do turds rain from your mouths?
213
00:10:20,200 --> 00:10:22,360
We were eating chocolate, Rachel.
214
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:23,840
I miss them.
215
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,320
SHE GASPS
216
00:10:23,840 --> 00:10:26,320
Desist!
217
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,680
I can always take up bulimia.
I'm much brighter than
218
00:10:26,320 --> 00:10:30,680
Princess Di, how hard can it be?
219
00:10:31,840 --> 00:10:36,400
Michelle, I tell you this not only as
your boss but as a concerned friend.
220
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,760
Of someone else. Not yours.
Obviously.
221
00:10:38,760 --> 00:10:41,720
If you want to be more like me...
222
00:10:41,720 --> 00:10:43,960
Who says she wants to be
more like you?
223
00:10:43,960 --> 00:10:50,320
Deansgate penthouse, big fat
Mercedes and as much cocaine as I
can suck up my bum. Who wouldn't?!
224
00:10:51,960 --> 00:10:54,440
I would like some of those
things actually.
225
00:10:54,440 --> 00:10:56,360
Well, then you need a man.
226
00:10:56,360 --> 00:10:58,360
An old man.
227
00:10:58,360 --> 00:11:01,040
Have you
thought of Charlie from Casualty?
228
00:11:03,880 --> 00:11:06,840
No. I haven't thought
of Charlie from Casualty.
229
00:11:06,840 --> 00:11:11,080
Well, to Rachel, you look like the
beginning of an episode of Casualty.
230
00:11:11,080 --> 00:11:16,600
Two attractive single young women
innocently eating poo in
their office.
231
00:11:16,600 --> 00:11:21,720
The camera lingers for a second
on the inconspicous beginnings of
a botox free visage.
232
00:11:21,720 --> 00:11:24,920
This is ridiculous. THEN...
a cutaway of some man with
233
00:11:24,920 --> 00:11:28,240
a nailgun and Parkinsons
and we're back to the girls! BANG!
234
00:11:30,520 --> 00:11:36,840
They hit 28, their faces fall off
and they're transferred to Holby
General quicker than you can say,
235
00:11:36,840 --> 00:11:43,840
"They'll be alone forever watching
Casualty on a Saturday if they don't
pin down Charlie from Casualty soon."
236
00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:48,000
Excuse me, my eye is leaking.
237
00:11:50,360 --> 00:11:53,200
She's completely mental.
238
00:11:53,200 --> 00:11:57,120
She's right, though.
I am hurtling towards 30.
239
00:11:57,120 --> 00:12:00,400
God, why can't I just
find a man like Grant?
240
00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:02,720
What? Grant. He's a bit like Grant!
241
00:12:02,720 --> 00:12:05,920
And have you seen his body?
It's gorgeous.
242
00:12:05,920 --> 00:12:07,520
Of course I've seen his body.
243
00:12:07,520 --> 00:12:10,640
Up close. Then slightly further
away. Then up close.
244
00:12:10,640 --> 00:12:12,760
Then a bit further away. Then close.
245
00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:15,960
Then "nofio" and really, really
close. He is really ripped.
246
00:12:15,960 --> 00:12:18,480
Do you think he's on steroids?
247
00:12:18,480 --> 00:12:22,040
Is that why he gets tetchy
when I make fun of his accent?
248
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,880
"My name is Grant
and I am from Delhi."
249
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,480
Grant isn't from Delhi.
250
00:12:29,480 --> 00:12:32,160
Then why does he do that accent?
251
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:34,720
That's just racist.
252
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:41,360
And he is smart and reliable,
everything you'd ever want in
253
00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:41,360
a boyfriend or a second hand car.
254
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:43,240
But he'd never have me back now.
255
00:12:43,240 --> 00:12:45,360
Chloe really IS great.
256
00:12:45,360 --> 00:12:49,160
She's the sweetest, cleverest,
prettiest girl I know...
257
00:12:49,160 --> 00:12:51,720
and she must be destroyed.
258
00:12:53,720 --> 00:12:55,640
THEY GIGGLE COYLY
259
00:12:55,640 --> 00:12:57,960
You're great.
260
00:12:57,960 --> 00:13:00,200
Like a lovely ripe banana.
261
00:13:01,880 --> 00:13:06,200
I thought I'd hate blind
dating but this is really fun!
262
00:13:06,200 --> 00:13:10,640
It sounds stupid so soon but I
can feel something happening here.
263
00:13:10,640 --> 00:13:14,360
Yeah, me too. And once more, sorry
about calling you Michelle earlier.
264
00:13:14,360 --> 00:13:16,480
Ahh,
she always saves me her leftovers.
265
00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:18,440
Happens all the time. Not a problem.
266
00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:20,440
Thanks, Michelle.
267
00:13:21,960 --> 00:13:26,000
Do you want to go somewhere else,
get something to eat? Yeah.
268
00:13:26,000 --> 00:13:28,920
But...I want to do this first.
269
00:13:34,600 --> 00:13:37,360
Oh, no! What have I done?
270
00:13:37,360 --> 00:13:40,240
'Oh, no. I sense a female in
distress.
271
00:13:40,240 --> 00:13:41,760
'I must help.
272
00:13:44,160 --> 00:13:47,920
'Alex makes things
better for everyone.'
273
00:13:50,160 --> 00:13:52,320
Hey, you crazy cats!
What's going down?!
274
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:53,840
What are you doing here?
275
00:13:53,840 --> 00:13:56,400
I'm always here.
Milling and bonding with people.
276
00:13:56,400 --> 00:13:58,320
Mills and Bonds! Like the Novels.
277
00:13:58,320 --> 00:14:01,920
Only they're Boon. But if James Bond
had written them then...
278
00:14:01,920 --> 00:14:03,040
that'd be cool.
279
00:14:03,040 --> 00:14:04,440
Would you like to join us?
280
00:14:09,440 --> 00:14:11,160
Grant. Yes?
281
00:14:11,160 --> 00:14:13,640
I've made a terrible mistake.
282
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,000
Chloe, can you give us a moment?
283
00:14:13,640 --> 00:14:16,000
Not really we were...
284
00:14:18,240 --> 00:14:20,480
Grant, I made a mistake.
285
00:14:20,480 --> 00:14:23,560
You've not made a mistake.
Chloe may be the best thing that...
286
00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:26,360
We're getting along really well.
Chloe, please!
287
00:14:26,360 --> 00:14:29,360
Chloe is the wrong person for you,
her grandparents were Nazis.
288
00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,760
Yeah, we have so much in common.
289
00:14:31,760 --> 00:14:33,720
He's so funny.
290
00:14:33,720 --> 00:14:36,800
And who am I going to get better
than this?
291
00:14:38,320 --> 00:14:40,080
Chloe has Chlamydia.
292
00:14:47,840 --> 00:14:50,840
You must really hate me.
Why did you go and tell everyone?
293
00:14:50,840 --> 00:14:54,400
Look, it's pretty unusual not
to have had sex in seven years.
294
00:14:54,400 --> 00:14:57,600
Tell me why. Maybe you're gay!
295
00:14:57,600 --> 00:14:59,640
They wish!
296
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,200
Well, why then?
297
00:15:02,200 --> 00:15:03,760
Right.
298
00:15:05,840 --> 00:15:08,680
OK, right? Right. Well, OK. Right.
299
00:15:08,680 --> 00:15:12,440
Anyway, right. Well, OK... Anyway,
right. OK.
300
00:15:12,440 --> 00:15:16,920
Thanks. What happened was Stephanie.
She really was very good looking.
301
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,800
So one night, Stephanie
said I was useless...
302
00:15:16,920 --> 00:15:19,800
HE GIBBERS
303
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:23,920
Pardon? She said you were
Eustace Inman?
304
00:15:23,920 --> 00:15:26,240
Yes, Claire, she said
I was Eustace Inman.
305
00:15:26,240 --> 00:15:29,000
She said I had the name of a
greengrocer from the 1940s.
306
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:32,160
That's why I've not had sex
in seven years. Useless in bed!
307
00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,840
I'M USELESS IN BED!
308
00:15:33,840 --> 00:15:36,760
With respect that's
nothing to shout about.
309
00:15:39,080 --> 00:15:41,480
So she finished with me.
310
00:15:41,480 --> 00:15:43,320
I can't listen to Moby any more.
311
00:15:43,320 --> 00:15:46,360
Awww. Was that playing
when she walked out?
312
00:15:46,360 --> 00:15:49,320
No, he's just got
terribly derivative.
313
00:15:49,320 --> 00:15:52,200
But you should have just
jumped back in the saddle.
314
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,400
Like the old saying goes,
"once you've ridden an elephant,
315
00:15:55,400 --> 00:15:58,600
"they never forget a face that
launched a thousand ships."
316
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:03,160
I just...can't any more.
317
00:16:03,160 --> 00:16:07,080
That's really sad. I had no idea
that that happened to men.
318
00:16:07,080 --> 00:16:11,440
What? No-one's ever had brewer's
droop or nerves or been tired?
319
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:16,080
Never. They've always been able
to recreate the leaning tower of
320
00:16:11,440 --> 00:16:16,080
Piza. The what?
321
00:16:16,080 --> 00:16:19,960
I would have said the Eiffel Tower
but they always bend to the side
a bit.
322
00:16:21,120 --> 00:16:24,400
So... why not let me have a go!
323
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,280
I bet it'll take me two seconds.
324
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:28,480
Stay away from me, devil woman!
325
00:16:30,080 --> 00:16:32,520
Chloe got a bit grumpy, didn't she?
326
00:16:34,760 --> 00:16:36,400
How's the tooth?
327
00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,640
It's fine.
328
00:16:38,640 --> 00:16:41,280
Well, someone's going
to get a pound tonight.
329
00:16:44,960 --> 00:16:47,600
How dare...?
330
00:16:47,600 --> 00:16:49,960
Oh, from the tooth fairy.
331
00:16:49,960 --> 00:16:52,200
No, I was just gonna
thrust really hard.
332
00:16:53,880 --> 00:16:56,440
I'm allowed to touch you!
333
00:17:00,240 --> 00:17:03,760
So... This'll be quite nice then.
334
00:17:03,760 --> 00:17:06,560
Going out with you. Nice.
335
00:17:06,560 --> 00:17:11,800
I can imagine
not talking to you over soup
on our golden wedding anniversary.
336
00:17:11,800 --> 00:17:17,400
And playing golf together.
Possibly buying a Ford car from
the Ford range of cars.
337
00:17:17,400 --> 00:17:21,000
Imagine that, a Ford!
338
00:17:21,000 --> 00:17:24,280
Good. That'll be... quite nice.
Yeah. Quite nice!
339
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:26,240
The best of all the nice-es.
340
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:30,000
Only... Shut up! What?!
341
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:31,920
Don't bring any element
of doubt into this.
342
00:17:31,920 --> 00:17:36,760
An only or a but or a perhaps
would only confuse things.
Do not even say erm.
343
00:17:36,760 --> 00:17:42,520
Erm is banned unless you get to 60,
have a stroke and try to say
"earthworm".
344
00:17:44,960 --> 00:17:47,840
Right, so what do nice couples do?
345
00:17:47,840 --> 00:17:51,480
I don't know, but I can tell
you what a nice pair does!
346
00:17:51,480 --> 00:17:54,720
Oh, very amusing.
And what would that be?
347
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:58,640
Well, if you don't know at your age
there's no point me telling you.
348
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:04,000
Have you noticed that the surface of
the furnishings of gastronomic
refreshment establishments
349
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,320
can become somewhat tarnished
without correct wardship?
350
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:09,520
No. I have.
351
00:18:13,680 --> 00:18:15,360
Yeah... I know.
352
00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:17,520
I've seen you in here before with
that girl.
353
00:18:17,520 --> 00:18:20,480
You mean Claire? No that one.
354
00:18:20,480 --> 00:18:22,520
THEY LAUGH
355
00:18:23,560 --> 00:18:25,800
What's your name again? Alex.
356
00:18:25,800 --> 00:18:28,000
After Alex in Wonderland.
357
00:18:30,680 --> 00:18:33,360
You should talk to Grant,
he's really well read too.
358
00:18:33,360 --> 00:18:36,000
Oh, for God's sake.
359
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:38,720
Yeah, sorry for
interrupting your date.
360
00:18:38,720 --> 00:18:41,000
Thank you. Very much.
361
00:18:43,000 --> 00:18:44,760
It's not a date.
362
00:18:44,760 --> 00:18:46,320
We're just friends.
363
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:48,320
No, we're not!
364
00:18:48,320 --> 00:18:49,840
We're not really that close.
365
00:18:49,840 --> 00:18:53,640
I think this conversation is over...
servant boy.
366
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:57,680
Oh, do you? Grant!
And if I were you I'd toddle off
367
00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:57,680
to your serving quarters
368
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,840
before I get my good friends from CID
369
00:18:57,680 --> 00:19:00,840
down here to check out
370
00:19:00,840 --> 00:19:04,120
what kinds of things you serve under
the counter here.
371
00:19:04,120 --> 00:19:11,160
Grant, don't be stupid this is
a family wine bar, there's nothing
illegal here is there, Alex?
372
00:19:11,160 --> 00:19:12,720
Alex?
373
00:19:14,160 --> 00:19:17,400
Grant, I thought you were a nice
person! That was really nasty!
374
00:19:17,400 --> 00:19:23,240
I AM a nice person.
I've given beggars more money than
you could shake a stick at.
375
00:19:23,240 --> 00:19:26,120
Though they continue to
shake their sticks at me.
376
00:19:26,120 --> 00:19:28,480
Did I mess up? You bloody did.
377
00:19:28,480 --> 00:19:30,000
He was flirting!
378
00:19:30,000 --> 00:19:32,680
I was only trying to protect you.
379
00:19:32,680 --> 00:19:35,000
You know what you get like.
380
00:19:35,000 --> 00:19:37,240
You're a slag.
381
00:19:37,240 --> 00:19:42,240
And whilst I love that about you for
my own personal use I...
382
00:19:45,320 --> 00:19:46,880
Oh, heck.
383
00:19:48,280 --> 00:19:52,160
Get away from me! Just let me
cure you. I have magic hands.
384
00:19:52,160 --> 00:19:54,160
Let me give you a magic wand.
385
00:19:54,160 --> 00:19:57,680
NO! How can you live with yourself?!
You're utterly depraved!
386
00:19:57,680 --> 00:20:01,720
I'm Catholic.
I sin all over the place, as many
times as I want, as often as I want,
387
00:20:01,720 --> 00:20:09,600
and as hard and dirty and naked and
sweaty and raw and animal and rroaw
and grrr and phwoar and mmmm and...
388
00:20:09,600 --> 00:20:15,880
I get it. Then I confess it all to
a little man in a box wearing a
maxi-dress and I'm free to carry on.
389
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:18,520
And what does he have to say
about your iniquitous lifestyle?
390
00:20:18,520 --> 00:20:21,360
Well, I've never actually been
so I don't know. You've never...?
391
00:20:21,360 --> 00:20:24,880
Mary won't be best pleased with you.
Who's Mary?
392
00:20:24,880 --> 00:20:26,600
Oh, my God.
393
00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:31,200
You're justifying your perverse
promiscuity with the fact that you
can potentially absolve yourself.
394
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:33,200
That's like saying "I like to hit
people,
395
00:20:33,200 --> 00:20:36,160
"one day I might tell someone. Until
then here's a big punch."
396
00:20:36,160 --> 00:20:38,280
Now you're getting it!
397
00:20:38,280 --> 00:20:42,160
I'll go to confession.
I'll take my list of sins, they'll
give me a slapped wrist and a fine.
398
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,720
They'll give you more than that.
399
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,720
Doubt it.
400
00:20:44,720 --> 00:20:47,880
Well, may as well fit in
one last sin before I go.
401
00:20:47,880 --> 00:20:50,000
You going to hump a passing
pedestrian on the way?
402
00:20:50,000 --> 00:20:52,920
Impale yourself on that broom?
Put your face in a...
403
00:20:54,320 --> 00:20:55,840
HIGH VOICE: Hail Mary.
404
00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:58,280
It's Claire. Hail, Claire.
405
00:20:58,280 --> 00:21:00,720
Good, aren't I?
406
00:21:01,720 --> 00:21:03,560
Just leave me alone. Forever.
407
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:07,800
Go on, clear off.
408
00:21:07,800 --> 00:21:10,880
Oh, no, I'm sorry.
409
00:21:10,880 --> 00:21:13,640
I'll make it up to you.
Should I walk you home?
410
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,280
No! Grant, you called me a slag.
411
00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:17,280
You've, er...
412
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:22,440
..affronted my feminist something
dee-do-dah. Go on! Get out!
413
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:31,120
Hello Alex.
414
00:21:31,120 --> 00:21:32,720
THUMP!
415
00:21:34,520 --> 00:21:38,480
What can I get you? Oh, I think
I'll leave that to your imagination.
416
00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,720
Tuna panini?
417
00:21:42,840 --> 00:21:44,760
So to speak.
418
00:21:44,760 --> 00:21:46,800
Oh, God, I'm disgusting.
419
00:21:46,800 --> 00:21:48,360
Great.
420
00:21:49,040 --> 00:21:50,680
Oh!
421
00:21:51,080 --> 00:21:53,400
Nnngggh! Oh, sound...
422
00:21:53,400 --> 00:21:55,600
Oh! Ah...
423
00:22:00,480 --> 00:22:02,440
That was cool.
424
00:22:02,440 --> 00:22:04,960
What, you want some water?
425
00:22:04,960 --> 00:22:08,200
No. I'm going home. I'm dead tired.
426
00:22:08,200 --> 00:22:11,680
Alex, you can sleep here.
Oh, God no. I mean...
427
00:22:11,680 --> 00:22:14,360
No, thank you. Please and erm...
428
00:22:14,360 --> 00:22:17,080
Well done!
I suppose you want a photo?
429
00:22:19,400 --> 00:22:21,680
Alex, I thought we had a connection.
430
00:22:21,680 --> 00:22:23,320
I thought...you liked me.
431
00:22:23,320 --> 00:22:24,920
Well...
432
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,920
it was a slow night...
I was a bit bored.
433
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:30,240
What? Oh! I mean...
434
00:22:30,240 --> 00:22:35,160
I'm not really into
having a relationship and
my career is important et cetera.
435
00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:37,200
Your career isn't important.
You're a barman!
436
00:22:37,200 --> 00:22:39,120
Well, that's just rude. I'm sorry.
437
00:22:39,120 --> 00:22:42,320
You're far too good looking
to be mean to. I know!
438
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:46,120
How dare you denigrate my arduous
journey towards sentient maturity
439
00:22:46,120 --> 00:22:49,720
and eventual spiritual realisation
when I can do this.
440
00:22:52,120 --> 00:22:55,800
Oh, forget this. Leave, Alex.
Just...
441
00:22:55,800 --> 00:22:58,040
humiliate yourself
somehow on the way out.
442
00:22:59,280 --> 00:23:00,800
Argh(!)
443
00:23:01,560 --> 00:23:04,280
Grant would've tripped up properly.
444
00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:08,120
Hey, it's you! Guess what?
The seven year drought is over.
445
00:23:08,120 --> 00:23:10,080
It's raining in my pants.
446
00:23:10,080 --> 00:23:13,360
Nice one mate! Who are you?
447
00:23:13,360 --> 00:23:15,040
Chris! I'm Chris. Milky Chris!
448
00:23:15,040 --> 00:23:18,160
And I have had an erection for four
hours straight! Ew...
449
00:23:18,160 --> 00:23:19,840
Aw! Er...
450
00:23:22,520 --> 00:23:25,320
Oh, Brokeback mountain.
451
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:29,120
I must exit. Not pursued by bear.
Get off!
452
00:23:32,360 --> 00:23:36,280
Chris, I took a list of my sins to
Father Macnomara O'Riley O'Sheigh.
453
00:23:36,280 --> 00:23:38,600
This is volume one.
454
00:23:38,600 --> 00:23:41,560
Isn't it great!
I'm a real boy at last!
455
00:23:41,560 --> 00:23:44,760
Just like Pinocchio, only it
wasn't my nose that was growing.
456
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:50,840
You actually made me feel whole
457
00:23:44,760 --> 00:23:50,840
again, so I can feel hole again.
458
00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:52,720
So I'm ready if you are.
459
00:23:52,720 --> 00:23:54,920
No, I'm not.
460
00:23:54,920 --> 00:23:59,800
You made me realise that I've been
living my life all wrong. I'd
abandoned my Catholic faith.
461
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:03,280
Chris, I realised that I've slept
with the whole of Manchester...
462
00:24:03,280 --> 00:24:05,640
and Norwich.
463
00:24:05,640 --> 00:24:09,560
But I'd rather forget that. They're
a hairy and aggressive people.
464
00:24:09,560 --> 00:24:11,360
But what a weekend.
465
00:24:11,360 --> 00:24:13,960
Weekend? Bank holiday.
466
00:24:13,960 --> 00:24:16,240
But still, I wanted to thank you.
467
00:24:16,240 --> 00:24:18,160
I feel changed.
468
00:24:18,160 --> 00:24:19,760
I'm not like I was.
469
00:24:19,760 --> 00:24:21,440
I feel good about myself and...
470
00:24:21,440 --> 00:24:23,720
I'm never having sex again!
471
00:24:23,720 --> 00:24:25,720
Noooooooooo!
472
00:24:25,720 --> 00:24:28,000
I mean... Oh?
473
00:24:38,040 --> 00:24:41,160
What ever that was,
it beats "nofio".
474
00:24:41,160 --> 00:24:46,400
Claire, I'm so angry and upset
with myself.
475
00:24:46,400 --> 00:24:49,960
I've been such a dick.
I really need a girly chat.
476
00:24:49,960 --> 00:24:52,720
Awww, of course.
477
00:24:52,720 --> 00:24:54,240
I'll phone Grant.
478
00:24:59,560 --> 00:25:02,320
Grant, I'm so sorry.
479
00:25:02,320 --> 00:25:04,080
Did you sleep with him?
480
00:25:04,080 --> 00:25:05,880
No!
481
00:25:05,880 --> 00:25:08,680
Who?
482
00:25:08,680 --> 00:25:12,360
That barman. What barman?
483
00:25:12,360 --> 00:25:14,920
You did then?
484
00:25:14,920 --> 00:25:17,000
Yes.
485
00:25:17,000 --> 00:25:18,760
It was awful.
486
00:25:18,760 --> 00:25:23,000
He was really horrible and he didn't
take my rubbish out or anything.
487
00:25:23,000 --> 00:25:27,120
It was the worst thing that has
ever happened to me.
488
00:25:27,120 --> 00:25:29,920
So... Grant?
489
00:25:29,920 --> 00:25:31,000
No.
490
00:25:31,000 --> 00:25:33,600
But I'm sooooo bored.
491
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,960
I'm not that type of man.
492
00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:39,160
I'm not here to
alleviate your boredom.
493
00:25:39,160 --> 00:25:40,760
You so are!
494
00:25:40,760 --> 00:25:43,040
Come on. It'll be fun. No, Michelle.
495
00:25:43,040 --> 00:25:44,640
It won't.
496
00:25:44,640 --> 00:25:47,800
Judge John Deed marathons are fun.
497
00:25:47,800 --> 00:25:51,640
Pretending to be Ringo Starr
on your own is fun.
498
00:25:51,640 --> 00:25:54,920
"I'm the least talented one,
suckers."
499
00:25:56,640 --> 00:25:59,720
But this is not fun.
500
00:25:59,720 --> 00:26:02,680
This is heartbreaking.
501
00:26:02,680 --> 00:26:04,440
I think you're being very selfish.
502
00:26:04,440 --> 00:26:08,400
So I should.
I've never been selfish before.
503
00:26:08,400 --> 00:26:10,960
I even offered to
give up a kidney once.
504
00:26:10,960 --> 00:26:13,040
My bampy's dog was hungry.
505
00:26:13,040 --> 00:26:18,600
Listen, I'm prepared to be
friends with you but...
506
00:26:20,120 --> 00:26:22,440
Just don't offer me things
that aren't available.
507
00:26:22,440 --> 00:26:24,560
But they are available!
508
00:26:24,560 --> 00:26:26,320
Both of them.
509
00:26:26,320 --> 00:26:27,880
Bye, Michelle.
510
00:26:29,960 --> 00:26:31,520
Grant!
511
00:26:39,240 --> 00:26:40,800
Nofio!
512
00:26:44,720 --> 00:26:46,480
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
513
00:26:46,480 --> 00:26:48,160
But you've got to sleep with me!
514
00:26:48,160 --> 00:26:52,640
My testicles are like Ribena
berries on anabolic steroids.
515
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,480
Hello, Michelle, I've come
516
00:26:52,640 --> 00:26:55,480
to tell you that I'm addicted to you!
517
00:26:55,480 --> 00:26:59,240
I cant live with you, so,
I'm gonna live without you.
518
00:27:01,440 --> 00:27:04,880
Oh, Grant, thank god you're here.
I need you to look at me naked.
519
00:27:26,960 --> 00:27:29,000
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
520
00:27:29,000 --> 00:27:31,040
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