All language subtitles for Grownups_Series_2_-_01._Moose

Right, that's the last of it.

Ta dah!

What is this?
This is your welcome committee!

A blonde, with a gun,
surrounded by bears?

This isn't a welcome committee.

It's Tarantino's
version of Goldilocks.

Er...ta dah!

Did you make me a banner?

Of course! Well, I robbed it
off the front of a church.

It did say,

"Welcome Christ into your heart,

"and you will be saved
from eternal damnation"

but I cut the boring bit off.

This is all very nice, but
I've got loads of reading to do...

Oh, come on. It's my first night

with my new flatmate!

Don't you want to
relive the old days?

I have a bottle of White Lightning
chilling in the fridge,

eggs to drop off the balcony, and
the dean of Salford Uni on speed

dial for prank calls.

Sir Foxton died years ago.

I know, but his widow cries when
you ask for him, it's funny.

Where are all these bears from?

Oh, every time a boyfriend cheats,
I insist he buys me a bear.

There's like, 40 bears here.

Anyway, this is my favourite.

I got Mr Fluffer for winning a disco
dancing competition at Pontins.

How long have you had him?
About a year.

Right, you know, you ARE
coming across a bit...immature.

Oh! Well, I am an adult, Chris,
honest. I own a Cat Stevens record!

Good! I'm really mature! Sometimes
I think about getting a pension.

Once I was called Madam.

My tits are surprisingly
saggy. I could show you.

No!. So, come on,
for old times' sake?

Remember the shooting trip
we took to Blackburn?

The heat from the burning Cortina.

The silvery light from the
children's flick-knives.

The taste on the cool night air
of good old-fashioned crack.

Yeah, we were so young!

And very, very stupid!

My stab wound
still aches in the winter.

Ah, go on then.

You killed him! You murderer!

Had him... Had him... Had him.

He's gay...

..yet had him!

Not had him... You're in my diary.
Next Thursday.

Lordy, my t-shirt appears to have
some form of scratchy appendage

in the rear, to indicate size
and washing temperature.

It irritates my upper vertebrae
in an unseemly manner.

I know. I'm breathtaking.

Have some breath.

Not had any for a while, Grant?

Not all of us need
constant sexual fulfilment, Claire.

Some of us have our minds
on bigger things. My career.

Sourcing Cat Stevens records for
friends. My Jazzercise classes.

Please help me.
Why is there one of Judge John Deed?

I put him in there to stop me
getting over-excited,

and messing up my lunchbox.

Urgh! Grant! What do you mean?

If it were all pictures of Michelle
people would think I was obsessed,

so I put John in for balance.
Why, what did you think I meant?

Nothing, sorry.

Had that man...

..and his dog.

Awww, in a meadow.

We'd originally gone to mow it.

The latest one I'm seeing,
there's nowt there.

When I kiss him, it's like
I'm kissing my granddad.

I know what you mean.
All slobbery, with tongues and that?

I want someone a bit more...
cerebral.

Someone a bit Stephen Fry,
someone a bit Brian Sewell.

You want a homosexual intellectual?

No, just someone with a bit more

to say for themselves than,

"Swallow, and I'll buy you chips".

How could you swallow the chips
if he hadn't even bought them yet?

Awww.

Hey, you two!

Hmmm! Hello. How's the new flatmate?

Is he fit? Tell me he's fit.

Actually, he's really funny.

He said to me last night, right,

and get this, he said
that I was immature!

Imagine! Ha!

Ha! I repeat, ha!

Aha!

Ooooooh!

How fascinating!

Bugger this, I'm going for a wank.

Oh, he's just all kinds of meaty,
isn't he? Oh, hi, Chris!

Just having a few friends round.

This is Grant. He's a solicitor,
a proper grown up job.

He wears a suit,
and has met a paedo.

And this is Claire,

she's had sex more times than anyone
I've ever met. And I've met firemen.

Through me. They certainly were.

Nice to meet you. I'm Chris.

So, what do you have to say to that,
Four-Eyes?

You with two too many eyes,
because you wear glasses.

Witty! What am I supposed to say?
You have two friends. Well done.

That's less than the Elephant Man,
but more than Robbie Williams.

But it proves that I'm an adult!

Functioning in an adult world,
with other adults.

Good for you! Now, I need
to get back to my reading.

This is incredibly important
research, and I need peace. Shhh.

Why should we be quiet?

# La la la la la! # Join in, Grant.

Er... # La la la la...#

Grant, you're rubbish. Claire?
I mean, look at him.

I bet he's into the
really depraved stuff.

Vaporub and salami parties.
You got any Italian in you, Chris?

No. Do you want some?

No! OK, my friends are stupid.
but at least I have them.

Admit I'm an adult.

No, because you're not. How does any
of this stuff mean you're an adult?

You can't even keep a man for two
seconds without him running off,

dropping bears in his wake.

I have no idea what he means,
either.

And I can TOO keep a man!

In fact, I'm keeping one right now.

Him!

Michelle, there's no-one there.

If he's got you into these

new-fangled drugs I've heard about...

Ah.

Is this where they are, are they?

Smuggled? In a child's toy?!

Huh?

Just as I thought.

Fluff.

Oh, yeah, he's a keeper(!)

Actually, he is. We're doing the
most adult and grown-up thing

in the world.

Oh, we're not gonna watch
BBC4 again, are we?

Those were some hideous men.

No, me and Grant
are getting married.

That was brilliant!
We definitely showed him!

I know, it was great!

Oh, it's rubbing on my vertebrae!

Pardon? What is? Nothing.

And you were... you were so perfect.
Just standing there and taking it.

Like usual. Why wouldn't I?
Mwah! Oh, golly. Problem is...

How do we tell our parents?
Yours are easy.

Mine live in Cardiff, and of course
we haven't even got our song yet,

for the first dance. May I suggest
Theme From Blockbusters?

You know, we're not actually
getting married.

What? But... oh, is it because
you want me to propose properly?

I only said it because Chris was...

Grant, don't.
Awww, don't be embarrassed.

Michelle Booth, will you do me the
great honour of becoming my wife?

Grant...
Where did you get that ring?

I've been carrying it since we
met. It was my great-grandmother's.

When I told my family about you,
they dug her up to get it.

Oh... Oh, God.

No, Grant.

I'm sorry, Grant. No.

Thank you for watching our amateur
dramatics society production of, er,

Digging Up Grandma by Grant Grant.

It's a really good play!

Hot in here, isn't it?

I suggest we celebrate
this fact by removing our pants.

Since you turned the heating up,

and aimed a George Foreman Lean Mean
Fat Reducing Grilling Machine at me,

it has become somewhat close.

How about a nice cool
glass of lemonade?

This is tabasco.

Chris, check this. Wipe clean.

You look like you're
going to fight aliens.

You know what they say
about men who read?

What? What do they say?

They say that they should definitely
take off their clothes now.

And who is this "they"?

Er... Iris Murdoch.

No, Claire, Iris Murdoch said...

Oh, blah de blah de blah.

Well, she developed Alzheimer's,
so eventually, yeah.

I just need to find out
what your perv is.

So, you don't like
near naked women.

You don't like it on a plate.
You do like reading?

Oh, I'll get you something to read.
You just wait there.

Hello. Oh, hiya. How are the
wedding preparations going?

I called it off, in a very
mature and responsible way.

We decided we were headed
in different directions.

I was headed down Oldham Street,

he was off to Tib Lane.

It was very mature.

God, you're pathetic.

No! We had a meaningful discussion
, and, er...

I decided I wasn't ready for kids,

whereas he wants them as soon as
possible, and it became impossible.

In fact, I actually
said to myself, "What to do.

"Oh, what to do when
Mr Right becomes Mr Uptight.

"Is your relationship
headed for breakdown?"

And I said,
"Yes, Michelle, it sure is."

So you don't want kids? No.

Not yet. In a couple of years,
maybe.

Why in a couple of years? Because I
want to grow up a bit first.

I feel too young and immature...

Damn you!

Read this!

And this.

So, once more.

Fill me with kids, Spermy.

I'm really sorry. I just can't do it.
Not after the way you treated me.

Leaving me on my knees
in the street like that.

I got several facefuls of groin.

We'll just have to go back
to the marriage idea.

Where's that corpse's ring? No.

Grant! We both know I'm going
to persuade you, so give up.

Any more of this and I'll have
to use my sexuality against you.

Oh, well, why don't you try that
anyway? In for a penny...

Oh, fine!

Oh, Grant, do as I say as usual,
so I can prove this man wrong,

and so on and so forth,
and blah and whatever.

Was that it? That was it.

Well, for a start... Yum!

Thank you. You'd never go through

with it, though, you're too immature.

That's not true! Marriage is a
sacred and everlasting bond,

that joins two souls in
perpetual devotion to one another.

Aw, really? You're a solicitor.

You can easily rush
through an annulment.

What?! You can annul it right away.

We can say I found out
something horrible about you.

You have no feet,
and you shat on a ocelot!

It'll be like it never happened.

No, Michelle. No, it wouldn't,
because I'd know it had happened.

Like you say, I'm a solicitor.

Every day, I watch marriages break
apart. Families ruined. I just...

Personally,
I just think that marriage is sacred.

I always pictured it in
a church, with you, er...

with the bride in a white dress,
not too much cleavage...

Just there, like.

And I'd never disrespect that.
It's not what I want for myself.

Aw. You know what?
You're right, Grant. Thank you.

I'm being stupid.

I mean, getting married just
to prove a point to some man

I hardly know. Ha! Exactly.

And an annulment.
I mean, WHAT was I thinking?

Being very silly.

Yeah, because being a solicitor,

a very, very good,
well-informed solicitor...

Annulment can only happen if the
marriage hasn't been consummated,

and you know... Er, know what?

Well, that wouldn't be truthful,

would it?

Because I have
my own marriage rules,

one being the cleavage debate.
I disagree.

But they'd be out and about!

The other being the wedding night.

I mean, that'd have to be a
little bit...mmm, aah...traditional.

I can get a licence in an hour.

So explain to me again why you'd
still turn it down, when it's there,

open like a wound
from a rusty bayonet.

Seductive as the infected fissure
imagery was,

my mind is on my studies.

What's it about, your PhD?
What are you studying?

Well, it's... it's sort of
an overview of society,

as seen from a gender related
perspective.

It's both textual and applied,

and underpins
the contemporary philosophy

of the condition of the female,

related to not only literature
and history's jurisdictions,

but also to modern
sociological influences.

Is it women's studies?!

Bird's words?! Lasses' classes?

Arty-farty tarts blarts.

Is that what you're studying?!
But you're a man!

I'm aware of that. Do they know?

To be honest, I am one
of the more feminine graduates.

So you're doing the course
to pick up women. I understand.

Claire,
I'm the prettiest one on the course!

The only woman I'm interested
in is Mary Wollstonecraft,

and she thinks that women focussing
on their looks imprisons them,

and stops them from achieving
in other areas of life.

She would. Look at her,
she's a moose.

She was an incredible social pioneer
and feminist icon.

Oh, so that's your perv, is it?

Fine. I can get myself a bonnet.
I can lose the make-up. I can...

God, look at her! I'd give her
half an hour and a tumbler of rum,

and she'd be on all fours,
crying for it.

This is so weird!
You're really organised!

The registrar is happy to do it here.
I've made most of the arrangements,

so just get yourself
a nice dress...

The band's here
for their soundcheck.

Band? Yeah, for the first dance,

remember? Theme from Blockbusters.

I tried to get Bob Holness
for the ceremony,

but apparently,
he owes you a bear.

I don't know what that means.

The flowers are here. Flowers?

I only wanted a certificate.
Where do you want the ice sculpture?

Just by the bar. It was supposed
to be a sculpture of us,

only, short notice...

We can tell people it's
a big Fox's Glacier mint,

to symbolise our devotion to sucking.

All this ice is
making me most sweaty.

I must remedy this situation with
a swift and effective method of

lowering my core body temperature.

Cor, my body!

You really got busy on this
little project, didn't you?

You really shouldn't have.

I've got contacts in the wedding
industry. Here's the elephant!

And he's brought the buttonholes!

But... but...
This is so much. This is...

What? Did I do something wrong?
No! No, this is great, Grant.

It really is. I'll see you tonight.

Seven o'clock. Don't be late!

You got a harp player?

I thought we could reminisce!
Take it away, cariad!

HARP PLAYS

What are you doing?

You don't get the soft focus
unless you go goz-eyed.

What have I got myself into?

The one day in a woman's life
where white stilettos don't make you
feel just a little East European.

What the bum are you dressed as?

Oh, Rachel, I'm getting married.

You look like Marilyn Monroe.

Aww, thank you, Rachel.

After the overdose, obviously.

Michelle, I'm your boss,
and since I turned 50 I've noticed

a marked decline in your productivity

and my oestrogen levels.

One of them you can help me out on.
Care to guess which?

It's my wedding day. I'm just..
Who the hell would marry you?

You'd better not leave your job
to become a house bitch,

popping out squid-faced
squawking babbies.

No, he's very supportive of
my career. He's a solicitor.

Is he a syphylitic fatso
with a limp and one big ear?

No, he's very good-looking.

Then he's a bipolar repressed homo
with psychotic tendencies.

No, he's really well-balanced.

But there must be something
wrong with it if it's marrying you?

No. Actually, he's perfect.

He really is.

This is a really good idea.

DOOR SLAMS

Hello, Chris.

Agh! How did you get in?

Oh, there's lots of ways
to enter a premises.

There's taking a print of
the keys with some Play-Doh,

there's going through her mail
to look for the security codes.

There's the desperation
of wanting to watch Michelle sleep

that makes one seek the services of
an angry smackhead with a crowbar.

You broke in? That's moot.

But do you have five pounds?

I need to pay the smackhead,
or in his own words,

he'll rip me a new arsehole.

I'm confused as to whether
that's an origami thing...

I'm a student, I don't have five
pounds. I'm busy. What do you want?

I need to know
when you are moving out.

Yeah, I think my Judge John Deed
shrine will fit there quite nicely.

I've only just moved in,
and I like it here.

Halls were disgusting.

I had a non-specific infection for
four years. My ears nearly fell off.

Me and Michelle are getting married.
I am the man of the house.

And when we get back from our
honeymoon up the Great Orme and down
the Great Rhyll, you're gone.

I'm going to make sure her bedroom's
all prepared for the wedding night.

I don't want her to lose her
virginity on anything other

than the finest Egyptian cotton.

Lose her virginity? Yes, that's
right. Don't ruin that for me!

I've dreamt of the moment
I gently yet masterfully

make her a woman my whole life.

I took breaks for snacks, obviously.

Fine... fine, Michelle Booth
is a 27-year-old virgin,

who earned the moniker,
The Private Booth at uni

because she was
incredibly discreet,

and not because she would show you
her privacy for a can of wine.

You've seen her privacy?

Then I want you out
of here as soon as we're married.

Fine, I'll just have to stop you

getting married. Duh duh duh...

Pardon?

Were you just creating suspense?

Michelle's stereo is
stuck on Classic FM,

and I had the song in my head.

Oh. That's OK, then.

# Wah wah wah wah!

Wow, you look beautiful!

I know! I'm so fit.

And I'm really excited!
So you should be.

Grant is really great.

He's affluent, he's good-looking,
he's kind...

And you're both about three
foot tall,

so your kids'll look like
the cast of Willow.

Now, as your best mate,

I have to ascertain that
you're doing the right thing.

So, do you love Grant?

I would definitely, definitely
piss on him if he were alight.

Can you imagine the rest
of your life with him?

Who wouldn't want to spend
the rest of their life with someone
who bought me this!

It's borrowed from his bampy.
It's a Welsh love spoon.

In Welsh families, the grandfather
has to use it internally
on the eldest boy child.

So that's old and borrowed, my dress
is new. I just need something blue.

Do you have anything? Ow!

It'll be blue in an hour.

One for my boss.

One for my childhood friend,
who drove all the way from Swansea.

One for the first girl
ever to dump me. Perfect!

Nothing can go wrong!

What are you wearing?

Are you off to milk something
after this? Hopefully!

Has anyone ever told you you look
exactly like social pioneer and

feminist icon Mary Wollstonecraft?

I've become your type, Chris.

You are the last woman
on earth I'd ever sleep with.

I need to stop this wedding,

so leave me alone
and don't speak to me!

Is it the bonnet? Shut up.
The bride, she's here!

To celebrate the imminent arrival
of the bride,

I shall perform

an ancient pagan ritual. Thus...

Everyone quiet, please.

BLOCKBUSTERS THEME TUNE PLAYS

Are we all ready? Yes.

We are gathered here today to
celebrate the marriage of Grant
Aloysius Grant and Michelle Booth.

Do you, Grant... I do.

Do you, Michelle Booth,

take this man to be your
lawful wedded husband,

forsaking all others as long
as you both shall live?

Erm...
Ooh, that's a really long time.

And ALL others, really?
All of them?

I... I, erm...

I object! OK.

What?! He objected!
It means something big.

I need an answer.

I... I, um...

It's "do".

Come on, I'll help.

Diggery...

Erm...

# Dooby dooby...#

Erm... Scooby!

Look, she doesn't love him!

She's doing it so that I'll think
she's an adult. Well, I do.

He can say it!

I think she's got her own flat
that I want to stay in,

a good job,
and some brilliant friends.

Frankly, I'm jealous,
because I don't have any of that.

Oh, thank God you said that!

I was about to make
the biggest mistake of my life!

Oh, Grant, I...

You bastard!

"It may, therefore
fairly be inferred that,

"till society be
differently constituted,

"much cannot
be expected of education."

Oh, this stuff's hot!

Why are you here? No-one's
ever turned me down. Only you.

You know what?
You could benefit from my course.

It could teach you
how to be a woman,

instead of this monstrous
predatory sex addict!

I enjoy my sex addiction!

It distracts people from
all the drugs and booze!

Getting wasted every Friday, and
taking a different man home, I bet!

That's not fair! It's not
every Friday. It's every day.

Good God,

you're all the same, aren't you?

Flinging your vaginas
at me like pizza dough.

No wonder I haven't had sex
with one of you in seven years.

Seven years?

You've not had sex in seven years?

Chris, come out.
We should talk about this.

Chris, what are you doing in there?

I've not had sex in seven years.
What do you think I'm doing?

Grant! Wait! These East European
shoes are built for sturdier
unfashionable women!

No, Michelle, I won't wait.
I won't wait for you any more.

In fact,
waiting is the opposite of...

Thanks for waiting. What's the
matter? Why did you leave? What?!

You humiliated me!

I manipulated you.
There's a big difference.

I can't do this.

I can't be friends with you any more.

But I can help your career. Watch.

Grant is always taking his work
home, he's so conscientious.

Flash thigh, lick finger,
promotion yours.

New necklace for Michelle.
No. No way.

Grant. The only reason you agreed
to marry me was because you thought

you were going to get some...

Don't you see?
You're just as bad as me.

All I am is a sex object to you.
It really upsets me.

I just want to be your friend and
get to know you, so that one day...

You're doing it again, aren't you?

Dammit!

Look, I do mean that.

I do want to be friends.
I know I humiliated you.

I'm really sorry.

Is there any way
I can make this better?

Anything?

ORGASMIC GRUNTS AND MOANS

I'm king of the world!

BLOCKBUSTERS THEME TUNE PLAYS

What can I get you? I'll leave that
to your imagination. Tuna panini?

Nofio!

What does "nofio" mean?
Ah, it's Welsh. It means "swim!"

She's the sweetest, cleverest,
prettiest girl I know...

..and she must be destroyed.

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