All language subtitles for Grownups_Series_1_-_08._Chimps

So, now Dean and
Michelle have split up...

I know! I'm as happy as a
postcard from Santa...

Stop poking me.

Are you gonna make your move?

Are you gonna lay on a bit of the
grrrrr, miaow, honk honk chicka

chicka bock bock shwahhhh?

Why yes, Claire, that's exactly
what I was planning to do.

Guess what?!
Guess what?! Guess what?!

You've met someone else
and you'll never be mine?

Is that what it is, Michelle?!
Is it?! IS IT?!

He's had a Red Bull.

It gives you wings!

And furious diarrhoea.

Oh. Well, no.

When me and Dean were together we
bought these two tickets to a secret

gig at Bar Salade, so secret that
we didn't even know who it was.

Oooooooh. So who's playing?

It's only bloody Paul McCartney.

No way. No way. I know.

A living legend! Right here!

All his greatest hits like Jet and...

Anyway, now me and Dean have
finished, I want to bring one

of you two. Oh, me! Please.

I'd do anything to see a legend.

I thought I saw Sue Pollard
in Habitat once but it
turned out to be a mirror.

No, me obviously.

I'm an amazing groupie.
Paul McCartney's married.

So was Chrissie Hynde.

Right. Well, I'd be happy if either
of you came but I can only take one.

I can't decide. I mean,
Grant, you're a brilliant friend.

And you're always there for me
and your little fat head never

fails to brighten up my day.

And Claire,

well your thigh high boots and
propensity to swallow would
ensure we got backstage passes.

God, imagine singing all his songs!

Live! Jet and... Bye.

Oh, Paul McCartney! Here in our bar!

Oooh, I really want to go, Grant.
You've got to let me go.

This could be my chance to
grrrr, miaow honk, honk, chicka,
chicka, bock, bock, shwahhh...

with Michelle.

OK. It just sounds
stupid when you say it.

A new life.

A new start.
No more disgusting behaviour.

DJ Mike, with a new lease of life...
No Michael,

stop that foolery. No more of that.

For you are now...
spiritually enlightened!

Ommm...

What a mess.

I can't decide who
to take to this gig.

I mean it'd be easy if me
and Dean were still together.

I could just take him.

Take him I would.

Oh, God, I miss sex.

Good morrow, dear sister. I see
you're noticing my improved apparel,
my heightened sense of self.

My spiritual enlightenment.

HE CHANTS

Mike, you look really smart, but
why are you praising our ceiling?

I have been reading a manual.

And thus far it has
change-ed mon liff.

What manual?

Not the one I left in the
bathroom because you really don't
need a regular smear test, Mike.

No, this leaflet! Here!
The Giving Family. That's correct.

Cup of cha, mon sister?

Holistic massage?

Shall we cuddle, mon darling girl?

No. What's this leaflet about then?

Other than making you
talk like Simon Callow.

It's about living a better life.

It's about treating you better.

This movement gives me focus.

Look at my hair.

Focused!

This leaflets not very well
put together.

It says we should praise
and give thanks to "Goddod".

Yes, that is the
name of the beautiful man
who founded the movement.

Goddod.

I'm not sure about this, Mike.
It sounds like some sort of cult.

Who gave you this leaflet?

Not the orange gentleman in
Peter Street who grasps at our
shoulders and asks for money?

No, Dad had nothing to do with this.

This is all about Goddod.

I've had a revelation, Michelle.

A rebirth and now, I'm going to
research all of his teachings and

everything about him so I can be at
one with mine own personal Goddod.

HE CHANTS

Well, that's lovely, Mike,
that you've finally found

a calling of sorts.

I thought you'd gone
mad there for a minute.

Happen to have already
dialled 999 in my pocket.

Ooops, I've dialled 666 by mistake.

Devil?

Right, we need a way of making
up our minds about this gig.

Now you've both presented
your cases very well.

Grant, thank you for roasting
me this wonderful turkey.

And Claire, thank you for...
having interesting hair.

All things considered,
I'm going to have to take Grant.

Yes! But I have interesting hair.

And if you take me to the gig,
I'll show you the rest of it.

But you see Grant's been the
better friend over all, and he's...

he's...
I've never really paid much attention
before when I was with Dean but...

he's really rather attractive. Yes.

He's like a little
Welsh rarebit...of sex.

Is it getting hot in here?

Shall we take off all our clothes?

Yes, and yes.

I can't. I can't. oh,
sweet Goddod, can I lick your eye?

Michelle!

I'm just so... God, I miss sex.

Grant, would you be
terribly offended if I said...

Can I hump your leg?

Certainly.

Listen to me. You're leading
Grant on and it's not fair.

No, you're right.
You're such a good friend.

If you need to you may hump my leg.

Oh. Thank you.

So are you gonna be taking me
to the gig? Oh, yes, I should...

but I can't decide.

Maybe you could play a game for it.

Yes! Brilliant! Let's play

Humping Grant's leg.

Or Scrabble. I'm not fussed.

I think Scrabble's
a little bit unfair?

You were the Scrabble champion of
Swansea when you were a nipper.

Yes, I was. I was also the champion
of Yahtzee, chess, and Boggle.

Though I never quite conquered
Swansea's main past time - heroin.

Don't you think it's a little
bit out of order.

What's out of order?

Well, Claire,
Grant's really good at Scrabble.

He has experience, and
more than one GCSE.

Don't you take the mickey
out of Media Studies.

I worked extremely hard.

I slept with every examiner
in Gorton to get that pass.

What I'm saying is you're a
beautician. Your skills are physical.

That's what I just said.

And Grant is a solicitor.

So he has a greater vocabulary
as he uses oral skills every day.

I can't believe she
passed up that opportunity.

Why, what does oral mean?

Well, seeing as I've been passed
over just because I'm irresistible

to Michelle, I think I should decide
on the game and I choose Scrabble,
or Pooh sticks - I'm not fussed.

I cannot believe that
Goddod is dead.

How could he abandon his disciples?
How?!

Well, obviously I know how.
He was hit by a tram.

I'm so sorry, Mike. I felt the same
when the leader of my cult died.

You were in a cult?
Cult, the Catholic Church,
swings and roundabouts.

It's always hard when a hero dies.

Dean! What are you doing here?!
We split up. I know.

How dare you come round here
expecting me to sleep with you

just because you imagine I'm bored
and lonely and desperate for a
meaningless sexual encounter.

I am not that type of lady, no siree!

Not in a million years.

You think you can treat me like
some sort of dirty lust animal

just because I'm able to remove
these clothes in under four seconds?

That's four seconds. Dean. Four.

Yeah. That's not why I'm here. Oh...
Then what are you doing here? Four.

I've been here for a while.
Me and Mike have been hanging out.

Goddod is dead.

It's over for me, Michelle.

I'll have to go back to - "DJ Mike,
Missing Goddod, every night.

"And having no focus
for the rest of his life
and never fulfilling his dream

"of becoming a midwife."

Ah poor, Mike.

Well, look maybe if Goddod is dead
then he's reached a higher plane
of spiritual enlightenment.

Actually Michelle, it's a
really good point. I know.

You're saying I should kill myself
to be nearer to Goddod.

I'll get the poison. No.

No. I'm just saying that
maybe you should look into the
teachings that Goddod left behind.

You might find some comfort in them.

Much better idea.

Or as Goddod would say...
Ommmnnn-num-num...

HE CONTINUES TO CHANT

I thank you.

What the hell was that?!

I have less than a clue.

So what are you doing here?
You come for some break-up sex?

It's angry and bitey.

No, you said we were just mates now.

Yes... Yes, we are.

I love being just friends.

Never any unresolved sexual tension.

Yeah. I can tell.

I just wanna see if you were still
up for that secret gig on Friday.

As friends?

The gig? Yeah, I hear it's
going to be Paul McCartney!

Can you believe it?!

I hear he's gonna be playing Jet.

Mike.

We need to have a little chat.

Certainly, mein sister.
Goddod says we should always
make time for our siblings.

Well, yesterday,

before you went to your room...
Can I just say...

Mazletov, hare rama Krishna,
peace be with you...

Oy vay, merry Christmas, happy eid.

Goddodism is an incredibly
inclusive religion.

Right. That's great, but yesterday...

You touched my bosom.

Goddod says we shouldn't
be scared of our bodies.

We were given them by
our shared guardians.

Goddod was incredibly
close to all of his sisters.

I don't think I care
for Goddod's teachings.

But...hasn't he been right so far?

I've cleaned the bathroom
to show respect to you, my sister.

Yes, you did. I've refrained
from ordering Curry House

Hookers from The Playboy Channel
to show respect to you, my sister.

Those women are madras hot.

I'd love to smash their poppadoms
and dip their mango chutn...

So this is all in
Goddod's teachings, is it? Yes.

It's really making me
a better person, Michelle.

I've really cleaned up my act thanks
to Goddod. Yeah, I suppose you have.

I mean I've never even heard of this
bloke and I'm quite the theologian.

I've been to three yoga classes
and I've slept with a Gideon.

Oooh, he was biblical.

Everything Goddod says makes sense.

He teaches us altruism
and respect for our family.

And touching your sister's
breasts is showing respect, is it?

That is a very small
part of what he's about.

And in some South American tribes
the women will actually actively

pull on each other's breasts
in order to make them longer

and thus more attractive.

What's that got to do with anything?

It doesn't really but it makes
me want to visit the rainforest.

Well, look I don't
care what Goddod says.

All I know is I'm worried about
you getting involved in a religion
without a decent amount of research.

You're right. Before I commit to
Goddod's way of life I shall conduct
a full and thorough investigation.

Now, where do we
keep the ouija board?

Look, Dean, about this gig.

Oh, I can't wait.
It is going to be awesome.

Well. The thing is
I've already promised I'd
take either Claire or Grant now.

I mean, they've been such good
friends to me I just thought
I should pay them back. But...

Ah, don't worry about it. I mean, if
we'd gone together something a bit

naughty might have happened

and nobody wants that.

You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm talking about?

Mmm-hmm.

No. I don't
know what you're talking about.

What do you mean by naughty exactly,

and I mean specifically?

Would it involve mango chutney?

You know - something that

friends shouldn't do. Mmmm-hmmm?

Stop it. We're platonic!

Just because we're platonic it
doesn't mean we shouldn't, you know.

Fraternise.

And by fraternise I
mean do it like chimps.

Oh no, we can't.
Or can we? No, we shouldn't.

Or should we?

No, I daren't. Or dare me?

So will you let me come
to the concert? Yes.

No... I mean, you see, Grant and
Claire are having this competition
now to decide who I should take.

Maybe if you played them at
something you could beat them
fairly and then I could take you.

Or maybe we could make sure I win
and I could take you - like a chimp.

D-G-E. There you go. Fadge.

Fadge? F-A-D-G-E.

Fadge. That's not a word! It is
too a word. I use it all the time!

OK, use it in a sentence then.

Fine. I will.

You can't, can you?
Cos you made it up!

No! OK, a sentence.

I beat Grant at Scrabble
with the word, "fadge".

Dictionary!

What? I call the dictionary.

I want to check your "fadge".

I think you're cheating. Cheating?!

The only time I have ever

cheated was in Hockey at school.

And who wouldn't?

They put a stick in my hand, I'm
going to hit people about the shins.

It's basic human instinct.

Let's never go skiing.

Ah, here it is!

Fadge! Yes! Meaning to fit.

Ha! Oh.

Yay! I win.

I get to see Paul McCartney

and Grant don't get nothing.

Hey! Michelle!

I won! I'm coming to the gig!

No, you're not.

What? Brilliant.

Love conquers all, Claire.

And neither are you. What?!

Dean came round last night and
he said he still wants to go.

But they're your tickets.
You don't have to take him.

I'm not necessarily taking him.

I told him what was going on with
you two and he said he'll play
fair and square against you.

He was actually very reasonable.

Anyway one of you two will win.

You deserve it, what with you
being such good friends to me. Right!

I'm sure we can "fadge" him in.

Exactly.

I'll beat him at Scrabble easy. Ah!

He wants to shoot penalties.
Oh, fadge.

F...

A...

D...

G...

E... Fadge?

What does "fadge" mean?

Mike! I need you to
help me save penalties.

Is that a ouija board?

No. Glass of sherry, dear?

Mike, you know how I
feel about the occult!

Ever since I crossed those gypsies
outside the Academy and they put a
curse on me... They weren't gypsies.

That was a Levellers concert.

It's been very helpful so far.

It pointed to "no" when I asked,

"Is there anybody there?" Well,

I think that proves...

Actually what does that prove?

And it said,
"This is Dennis Thatcher.

"Why won't anyone talk to me?"

Oh, my God! What did you do?

I went and made myself a brew.
Couldn't be mithered with him.

I'll just have to do a bit
more reading on the net
to gain deeper insight into Goddod.

Don't you dare do that!

Look, come on help me
shoot penalties.

I need Dean to win so that I
can get chimping like a chimp.

Oh, get into position.

SHE SCREAMS

Girl!

Who is this
Goddod you're jabbering on about?

Goddod is my saviour.

He's created an entirely new Mike.

He teaches us to be
kind to our fellow man,
particularly our siblings.

And what else did he do?

He advocated breeding.

He was very much into the family.

He married a
Catherine Goddod in 1948.

That's weird. They had the same
name before they were married?

And, oddly enough,
their parents had the same name too!
It's all here in the leaflet.

So, this Goddod, married someone
with the same parents as himself?

Yes, isn't fate a weird mistress?

That would be incest.

Oh, my Goddod, he married
his sister, didn't he?

It would appear so. Ohhh. I cannot
believe my leader is a pervert.

Well, I'm as shocked as you at such
a scandal in an organised religion.

How I missed the signs,
I'll never know.

The signs? Yeah.

Always put your sibling's
feelings above your own.

That's innocuous enough.
It's actually quite sweet.

Do unto your siblings
as you would be done by.

That's really good advice.

Sleep with your sister.

Ah, well, no.

He's been teaching this stuff for
years all over America.

Oh, those crazy Americans.
He was a Welshman.

Right, Grant,
ready for the penalty shoot-out?

Which I'm not going to let
Dean win... honest. Smooth.

Arghhh!

Girl.

OK, Claire,
it's all about confidence.

The confidence of three
lunch-time tequilas.

No worries here, Grant. No-one
ever scored a penalty wearing heels.

Except for my Uncle Jennifer.

DONKEEEEYYY!

She's got no chance,
not if she hasn't factored in

the impact of wind velocity and the
playing-surface-stroke-heels-factor.

DONKEY!

That was a tactical decision
because he was being a twonk.

TWONKEEEEEY!

Please, you must have done something
good with your life, Goddod.

Just because you were a barbaric sex
pervert doesn't make you a murderer.

Although apparently you
were also a murderer.

All my dreams die.

I only missed because I've
developed a ball phobia.

Ruined Edam for me you have.

Aw, Grant. Was it really painful?
It flaming was, you know. Aw...

Good!

Oh, you'll never get past me,
Mr Adewale.

Oh yes, I will, Miss Booth.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm just really, really competitive.

I thought we had a deal!

You were going to let me win.

I know. I'm sorry, Dean.

We can still "chimp", can't we?
No, Michelle. No "chimping" for you!

Naughty little monkey.

Do you want to spank the...
Oooh, I'm not finishing that thought.

I refuse to go to a gig with
someone who treats their
platonic friends like you do.

Oh, but Dean!

Oh. Actually
that makes my life loads easier.

Grant?!
Yes. Meet me in ten at Bar Salade.

I have a surprise for you.

Wow. This Goddod chap's
really inspirational.

I haven't seen my sister for ages.

Grant, I have something to ask you?

Ask me anything
but try to avoid Geography.

Strangely, not that many
Welsh are good at geography.

Awww.
That'll be because you're an island.

Right. Yeah.
So what did you want to ask me?

Would you like to come to the
gig with me? How excited are you!

But that's not fair though. I didn't
win at Scrabble or at penalties.

I know! But it was all a ruse!
A clever, clever ruse.

You see I was setting it up so that
Dean could come because you know how
I've not been having sex, lately...

Well, he said if I let him come
then we could platonically...

like chimps.

Befriend Tarzan?

No, do it like chimps.
It's perfectly obvious.

But only if I took Dean to the gig.

But that's not fair.

That's a lie. That's cheating.

I know but I'm desperate for sex.

And I was thinking
maybe you and I could do it.

OK. Brilliant.

Awwww. You don't know

how long I've waited for this.

Oh, Bless you.

Always wanting to do things for me!

It's almost as if
you were my little dog.

Of course, I'm not going to
have sex with you, idiot.

That's so rude.

That's the problem. It wouldn't be.
I mean you're not exactly chimpy.

I'll have you know I can be
hellish chimpy if I want to.

I have thrown faeces.

Right. So, will you come to the gig?

Actually, Michelle,
I'm really quite insulted.

I mean to lie to your friends
and to get a ball hit into my face
is one thing.

But... to treat me like
some sort of eunuch.

I don't deserve that. I'll have
to take Claire if you don't come.

Take who you want, Michelle.

I'm not being treated like some
non-attractive, non-sexual being.

Oh but, Grant! Wait!
I'll make it up to you.

I'll have sex with you!

If you come,
I will have sex with you...

..and you may hump my leg.

No! And now
I have to crouch to leave the bar.

Thank you very much, Michelle.

This is just awful.

Goddod wasn't who I thought.

Spirituality isn't what I thought.

I'm never going to have a
real epiphany.

I may as well be dead.

CELESTIAL MUSIC

Now the building across the
way has caught fire. Brilliant!

Yes, Claire I'm sure
Hugo is very nice...

..but I'm over the whole
sex thing now.

So, would you like to come to
the secret gig with me instead?

Me? You're just choosing me?

Yes. Over two men? Yes.

Well, Dean didn't want to come and
Grant didn't want to come so...

Sisters! Whoo-hoo!

What?! You know...

# Sisters are doing it
for themselves... #

You never had any intention
of taking me at all did you!?

You were only ever going to
take Dean or Grant. You never
fadged me into the equation at all.

Well, I would have done.

If both of them had turned
out wrong which they did!

So whoo-hoo! Sisters!

I have such great friends.

Well, one singular friend. You!

Whoo-hoo! Sisters!

What's the word that
means someone who
says one thing and means another?

A hypocrite.

No. A divvy.

I wouldn't come to the gig if you
begged me. I'm not second best.

But we're mates!

That's the whole point of me.
I have great friends!

Yeah, you do. But you can't just use
them whenever you feel like it and
drop them whenever you feel like it.

It's really, really divvy-ish
and I won't put up with it.

But... but...

What you doing Friday?

Awwww.

At least I still like you.

You don't count.

I've lost all my friends.
What am I going to do?

Look on the bright side. You may

have upset everyone by being an
idiot but at least...

At least I'm OK.

I suppose we've both
had a bit of a tough one.

Me finding out I'm a bit of a divvy.

You finding out your
hero's a pervert.

Spirituality really wasn't me.

I mean, it wasn't for me.
I'm a rational bloke.

I can't be swayed by
some religious fantasy.

If I could have your
attention, ladies and gents.

As I introduce
Sister Paula McCartney.

Bless me Father,
for I am going to sin!

You'll be OK on your own, won't you?
HE CHANTS

Oh, no, no friends. No family.

I'm all alone in the world.

Oh, excuse me.

Will you hump my leg? Yeah, sure.

Subtitles by
Red Bee Media Ltd - 2006

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