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1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,360
Most important meal of the day,
ice cream.
2
00:00:04,360 --> 00:00:07,400
You're comfort-eating. Who's upset
you?
3
00:00:07,400 --> 00:00:10,880
I am not a comfort-eater.
I am a nutritionist!
4
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:15,560
And it was Mum. She asked when I'd
5
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:15,560
be issuing little people from my
6
00:00:10,880 --> 00:00:15,560
womb. Urgh!
7
00:00:15,560 --> 00:00:17,280
You're my little sister!
8
00:00:17,280 --> 00:00:21,080
You don't have a womb! You have
a smooth area, like Action Man.
9
00:00:21,080 --> 00:00:23,200
BUZZER
10
00:00:23,200 --> 00:00:27,400
That's Dean. Do I look pretty?
You're my little sister.
11
00:00:27,400 --> 00:00:29,760
To me, you look like
a five-year-old.
12
00:00:29,760 --> 00:00:31,320
Come up.
13
00:00:31,320 --> 00:00:34,040
He's brought me a present.
14
00:00:34,040 --> 00:00:37,600
I want to do my
present-receiving face. How's this?
15
00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:41,120
"Oh, thank you.
a smashing handkerchief!"
16
00:00:41,120 --> 00:00:42,880
Or is this more grateful?
17
00:00:42,880 --> 00:00:45,680
"Oh! I wasn't expecting a rat!"
18
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:48,840
Still look like a five-year-old -
with a rat!
19
00:00:48,840 --> 00:00:53,520
Listen, monkey boy, I need Dean
to think I like whatever stupid gift
he's brought me
20
00:00:53,520 --> 00:00:57,880
so he'll want to go out with me
permanently, then we
can get married and have babies
21
00:00:57,880 --> 00:01:00,960
and my life can be sorted
from this loveless hell I exist in!
22
00:01:00,960 --> 00:01:04,360
I can hear every word
you're saying.
23
00:01:15,560 --> 00:01:17,480
Oh, givsies! Givsies!
24
00:01:17,480 --> 00:01:21,400
I thought you'd look great in it.
It's a one-off, cost a week's wages.
25
00:01:21,400 --> 00:01:22,800
Urgh!
26
00:01:22,800 --> 00:01:25,360
He buys women's clothes! For women.
27
00:01:25,360 --> 00:01:26,640
He's a girl.
28
00:01:28,080 --> 00:01:31,960
Look at the stitching,
that's terrible needleship.
29
00:01:31,960 --> 00:01:34,680
God only knows why you don't
have a girlfriend. I have!
30
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:41,400
Oh, yeah, what's her name?
31
00:01:34,680 --> 00:01:41,400
Er, her name is...Shaniqua...Limoo.
32
00:01:41,400 --> 00:01:43,000
Stop it, you two!
33
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,880
I've never been bought clothes
by a man before!
34
00:01:45,880 --> 00:01:47,440
How did you know my size?
35
00:01:52,440 --> 00:01:54,160
You didn't.
36
00:01:54,160 --> 00:01:56,080
This is tiny.
37
00:01:56,080 --> 00:02:00,560
# DJ Mike
Makin' love to ladies every night
38
00:02:00,560 --> 00:02:04,920
# Getting the ladies to eat
some pies... #
39
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:10,840
Yeah. Yeah. Nice moves, Mike. Yeah?
40
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:10,840
Yeah. Like watching My Left Foot
41
00:02:04,920 --> 00:02:10,840
in slow motion.
42
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:16,480
Yeah, well, at least I'm not
43
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:16,480
a big...smelly-head. I think you'll
44
00:02:10,840 --> 00:02:16,480
find you are indeed a smelly-head.
45
00:02:16,480 --> 00:02:20,320
Well, I can't help it if I fall
asleep in milk.
46
00:02:21,920 --> 00:02:25,000
Dean, this is really nice but
it's...
47
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,160
Hey, you can wear it to
my international DJing debut!
48
00:02:28,160 --> 00:02:31,120
Bar Salade are giving me
a half hour set on Friday!
49
00:02:31,120 --> 00:02:33,280
You have to come,
please, I've got no mates!
50
00:02:33,280 --> 00:02:35,200
I didn't mean to say that out loud.
51
00:02:36,200 --> 00:02:38,040
No, but I...
52
00:02:38,040 --> 00:02:44,200
Yes, of course I'll wear it. Yeah!
I'm gonna be up in the bedroom.
Preparing...
53
00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:46,560
..for gratitude.
54
00:02:50,440 --> 00:02:53,200
Now listen to me,
you oddly dancing freakarama,
55
00:02:53,200 --> 00:02:55,880
I can't have my snake-like hips
put in jeopardy by you.
56
00:02:55,880 --> 00:02:59,400
You have snake hips, too?
Do you shed skin? I do.
57
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,680
I'm collecting my sheddings.
58
00:03:01,680 --> 00:03:05,160
I'm planning on pretending they're
crisps and feeding them to Dean.
59
00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:11,480
No, Mike! Dean has bought me
this stupidly tiny dress.
60
00:03:11,480 --> 00:03:14,840
I comfort eat when I'm upset. You
two hating each other upsets me.
61
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:18,080
Hence, be nice, be nice, be nice!
62
00:03:18,080 --> 00:03:24,080
I need to lose about five pounds
and your arguing is not helping.
Five pounds? Five pounds is nowt.
63
00:03:24,080 --> 00:03:25,600
Have a poo.
64
00:03:28,920 --> 00:03:31,600
I did! It didn't work.
65
00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,520
It was only a quarter-pounder.
66
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:38,280
I'm scared to ask,
but how did you weigh it?
67
00:03:43,880 --> 00:03:47,920
Dean...about the dress.
It's so tiny.
68
00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:53,440
I can't wait to see you in it.
You're going to look amazing.
All slinky and sexy. Oh, I...
69
00:03:54,720 --> 00:03:57,840
Why are you rubbing
Immac into your face?
70
00:03:57,840 --> 00:04:00,360
It's important to moisturise.
71
00:04:00,360 --> 00:04:03,720
Look, can't you just try
and get on with Mike?
72
00:04:03,720 --> 00:04:06,840
He's crying downstairs.
Weeping like a little girl.
73
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:11,520
Excellent! Don't you want to like
my family? Do YOU like your family?
74
00:04:11,520 --> 00:04:13,480
That's not what I asked.
75
00:04:13,480 --> 00:04:17,080
It's not like he's nice to me.
He tries to feed me scabs.
76
00:04:17,080 --> 00:04:20,320
But I can't be upset because...
77
00:04:20,320 --> 00:04:22,400
when I get upset I... You what?
78
00:04:24,080 --> 00:04:25,280
I, er...
79
00:04:26,920 --> 00:04:29,080
Mike is dying, Dean.
80
00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:31,840
Oh, my God! Michelle!
81
00:04:31,840 --> 00:04:37,080
Why didn't you say? That's just... I
feel awful. I didn't realise, and...
82
00:04:37,080 --> 00:04:39,800
Why is my stubble dissolving?
83
00:04:43,880 --> 00:04:45,640
So I'm on this diet.
84
00:04:45,640 --> 00:04:50,360
Looks like it! All MY favourite
foods have a scary monster on them -
85
00:04:50,360 --> 00:04:52,880
Monster Munch, Sugar Puffs,
86
00:04:52,880 --> 00:04:54,880
Loyd Grossman pasta sauce.
87
00:04:54,880 --> 00:05:00,120
No, I've not started the diet yet.
I've gotta lose five pounds.
Five pounds is easy.
88
00:05:00,120 --> 00:05:01,280
Have a poo.
89
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:07,760
If a trained nutritionist
can't lose five pounds...
90
00:05:07,760 --> 00:05:10,640
shall I get you some speed?
91
00:05:10,640 --> 00:05:15,240
Claire, the proper way to lose
weight is through diet and exercise
and that's what I'm doing.
92
00:05:16,280 --> 00:05:18,120
You'll never do it without speed.
93
00:05:18,120 --> 00:05:19,840
I will.
94
00:05:19,840 --> 00:05:24,120
Anyway, you don't need to diet.
You're thin and blonde,
that's why everyone hates you.
95
00:05:24,120 --> 00:05:28,760
What? I've got four blokes
on the go at the moment.
96
00:05:28,760 --> 00:05:32,640
Luckily they're all called Martin,
so I don't get the names mixed up.
97
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,600
How did you find
four blokes called Martin?
98
00:05:35,600 --> 00:05:38,000
It's my new chat-up technique.
99
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,040
I go into a crowded bar
and I shout "Martin!"
100
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:45,240
and whoever turns round I go,
"Wow Martin, I've not seen you
since that party -
101
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:50,760
the one where there was a girl
102
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:50,760
crying in the kitchen
103
00:05:45,240 --> 00:05:50,760
and a bloke invented a new cocktail,
104
00:05:50,760 --> 00:05:52,960
"gin, Vermouth and Toilet Duck."
105
00:05:54,040 --> 00:05:57,560
I've been to that party. We all
have. That's why it's so effective.
106
00:05:57,560 --> 00:06:04,120
Clever, eh? But why Martin?
Why not something a bit classier
like...Rupert?
107
00:06:04,120 --> 00:06:05,800
Rupert?
108
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:09,640
Can you imagine shouting out
"Rupert" in the throes of passion?
109
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,880
"Oh, Rupert, you're such an animal,
110
00:06:09,640 --> 00:06:12,880
an animal!
111
00:06:12,880 --> 00:06:15,040
"In fact, you're a bear!"
112
00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,560
Yeah, fair point.
113
00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:22,760
So no blokes called Paddington,
Winnie or In The Big Blue House
either? Anyway, what's wrong
114
00:06:22,760 --> 00:06:27,160
with going out with four blokes?
Can't you get some sort of
revolving door on your pants?
115
00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:30,840
It's just so difficult trying
to remember their life story.
116
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:35,880
And it's embarrassing
asking "How's your Dad?",
when the answer's "still dead".
117
00:06:37,480 --> 00:06:41,280
Well, then write it down,
learn it like when you learned your
Highway Code for your driving test.
118
00:06:41,280 --> 00:06:44,800
I didn't learn my highway code.
I slept with the examiner.
119
00:06:46,240 --> 00:06:48,160
She was feisty.
120
00:06:50,560 --> 00:06:54,840
OK. Well, then like when you make
a list of people you hate
121
00:06:54,840 --> 00:07:00,120
so you'll know who to spit at
when you pass them in the street.
That's a really good idea,
122
00:07:00,120 --> 00:07:04,240
I'll make a file for
all the Martins. Thanks, Michelle.
123
00:07:04,240 --> 00:07:06,040
I'm taking you off my spit list.
124
00:07:17,040 --> 00:07:20,480
Mike? Mike? Are you crying?
125
00:07:20,480 --> 00:07:23,480
Ah, man. Poor Mike.
126
00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:26,120
Poor badly-dressed Mike.
127
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:29,160
Mike...
128
00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:31,160
# There's no-one quite like... #
129
00:07:35,000 --> 00:07:37,000
That song just touches me.
130
00:07:38,440 --> 00:07:40,320
If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.
131
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:43,800
Don't be negative.
It's a beautiful thing.
132
00:07:43,800 --> 00:07:47,200
Pardon? You've got to do
whatever makes you happy.
133
00:07:47,200 --> 00:07:48,480
Time is precious.
134
00:07:48,480 --> 00:07:51,600
Are you on drugs? No, Mike.
135
00:07:51,600 --> 00:07:56,080
Are you on drugs? Did the drugs
make your hair fall out? Is this...?
136
00:07:56,080 --> 00:07:57,880
Is this a wig? No!
137
00:07:59,440 --> 00:08:02,760
What are you doing Friday daytime?
138
00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:08,760
As usual, sitting around
on various chairs.
139
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:15,320
Then I'm going to come round
140
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:15,320
and spend some time with you, yeah.
141
00:08:08,760 --> 00:08:15,320
Before your gig. Just you and me.
142
00:08:15,320 --> 00:08:18,160
We're gonna find the love
in this room. Mmm!
143
00:08:20,080 --> 00:08:23,560
Now come here, big man.
I'm sorry I got at you.
144
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,160
MIKE COUGHS
145
00:08:23,560 --> 00:08:26,160
That's it, that's it.
146
00:08:26,160 --> 00:08:28,200
Uh-h-h... You let it all out.
147
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:32,680
MUFFLED GASPS
148
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:32,680
Oh, don't, you're
149
00:08:28,200 --> 00:08:32,680
going to get me going.
150
00:08:32,680 --> 00:08:34,040
Thank you.
151
00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,240
Thank you.
152
00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:41,840
So, Martin One has a degree
in chemistry from Cambridge.
153
00:08:41,840 --> 00:08:45,800
And Martin Two has spent a year
building an orphanage in Russia.
154
00:08:45,800 --> 00:08:50,080
And my favourite, Martin Three,
has a really nice car.
155
00:08:50,080 --> 00:08:53,640
What's Michelle
doing with that Dean bloke?
156
00:08:53,640 --> 00:08:55,720
I'm going to get my mates at the
police station
157
00:08:55,720 --> 00:08:56,960
to run a check on him.
158
00:08:56,960 --> 00:08:59,480
Oh, yes - one of the perks of being
159
00:08:59,480 --> 00:09:02,800
a respected and professional
solicitor.
160
00:09:06,120 --> 00:09:08,640
You don't have any mates
at the station.
161
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:12,720
I do. They've found out all
sorts of dirt on people.
162
00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,760
That's why I don't really see
my parents any more. Is it cos
they're thieves or druggies?
163
00:09:16,760 --> 00:09:18,560
Yeah.
164
00:09:18,560 --> 00:09:22,600
And the dog they've trained
to attack me, he plays his own part.
165
00:09:22,600 --> 00:09:25,000
I bet Dean's got form.
166
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:28,480
Bet he's done time for being
a tea leaf, bet he's done bird.
167
00:09:29,720 --> 00:09:33,280
Sorry, I was watching
The Sweeney on UK Gold last night.
168
00:09:33,280 --> 00:09:35,600
Why do you hate Dean?
169
00:09:35,600 --> 00:09:40,680
Is it because he snorts when
he laughs like...Martin Two?
170
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,920
Yes! I don't know. I just don't like
171
00:09:40,680 --> 00:09:44,920
the way he treats Michelle.
172
00:09:44,920 --> 00:09:49,840
Oh, yeah, all that noisy
rampant sex, I don't envy her.
Noisy sex is stupid!
173
00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:52,840
How are you supposed to hear
the timer go off?
174
00:09:54,960 --> 00:10:00,080
I always insist on a good
10 minutes of foreplay
before 25 of the main event.
175
00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,000
Six minutes cuddling,
eight in the shower.
176
00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,240
Then...30 seconds wondering
where she's gone, then off to sleep.
177
00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:10,560
You luuurve Michelle. Don't you?
No, I...
178
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:14,400
Does she know? Dunno. Depends
how explicit you've been about it.
179
00:10:14,400 --> 00:10:16,280
Oh, I'm very subtle.
180
00:10:29,520 --> 00:10:30,760
DOOR OPENS
181
00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:34,920
Mike! You're not allowed in here.
Diet going well is it?
182
00:10:34,920 --> 00:10:38,520
Splendidly. I've lost a pound
already.
183
00:10:38,520 --> 00:10:42,680
When I removed my shoes. Why did he
have to buy me that tiny dress?
184
00:10:46,360 --> 00:10:49,000
Michelle, I need to talk to you
about Dean.
185
00:10:49,000 --> 00:10:53,680
Why? What's going on? Has there been
an accident? Will I have to nurse
him back to health with chicken soup
186
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:54,920
and...
187
00:10:54,920 --> 00:10:56,800
hmmm chicken...
188
00:10:58,320 --> 00:11:04,120
Michelle, he fancies me. I mean,
I can't blame him, but it's
a little disconcerting.
189
00:11:04,120 --> 00:11:07,560
And I admit, I'm curious -
but my sister's boyfriend...!
190
00:11:07,560 --> 00:11:09,360
It's a bit too Chat Magazine, innit?
191
00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,920
He doesn't fancy you. He's straight.
192
00:11:11,920 --> 00:11:16,200
Not from where I was stood -
wrapped up inside his loving arms.
193
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,080
He was just trying to be nice to
194
00:11:16,200 --> 00:11:18,080
you. Why?
195
00:11:18,080 --> 00:11:21,000
Because I... What?
196
00:11:22,120 --> 00:11:24,880
Because um,
197
00:11:24,880 --> 00:11:27,680
"Dean is dying, Mike."
198
00:11:33,720 --> 00:11:39,840
What's up with you?
You're like Sherlock Holmes
when his dealer's out of town.
199
00:11:39,840 --> 00:11:44,280
Martin Three has dumped me!
He found my notes on him.
200
00:11:44,280 --> 00:11:47,320
Men are so touchy about their bits.
201
00:11:47,320 --> 00:11:50,520
What's wrong with the word "stumpy?"
202
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:55,400
I'm down to my last two Martins.
All because of Michelle's
useless advice!
203
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:58,000
I hate Michelle.
I hate Martin three.
204
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:01,560
And I hate your lumbar region.
Please don't kill me.
205
00:12:01,560 --> 00:12:03,880
Sorry,
may have ripped a mole off, there.
206
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:10,240
So, why is Michelle
not interested in me?
207
00:12:10,240 --> 00:12:11,920
I'm not bad looking.
208
00:12:11,920 --> 00:12:17,640
Actually, I've never noticed before
but you're right, yeah.
209
00:12:17,640 --> 00:12:21,880
And you have a really nice body,
Yeah,
210
00:12:21,880 --> 00:12:25,160
you're all firm and muscly. Mmm.
211
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:30,640
Claire, are you biting my bottom?
212
00:12:32,160 --> 00:12:33,960
Sorry.
213
00:12:33,960 --> 00:12:36,520
Force of habit.
214
00:12:36,520 --> 00:12:39,680
So, you need to know
what Michelle goes for?
215
00:12:39,680 --> 00:12:47,640
Yeah, I mean if she doesn't want
affluent, educated, Welsh, then
what in hell's name does she want?
216
00:12:47,640 --> 00:12:50,560
Look, she likes Dean
well enough, doesn't she? Yeah.
217
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:53,280
She likes pointless, non-Welsh Dean.
218
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:58,560
Do you think I should be
more like him? "Awight guvna?"
219
00:13:00,280 --> 00:13:02,960
"Eow's your apples and peers?"
220
00:13:02,960 --> 00:13:05,280
"Giss butcher's et
your plates o' meeyt."
221
00:13:06,800 --> 00:13:08,320
"Rickaaaayy!"
222
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,560
Exceptional talent for voices
you've got there.
223
00:13:11,560 --> 00:13:14,240
Yeah. It's a gift.
Maybe you should try
224
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,680
being more like Dean in other ways.
225
00:13:16,680 --> 00:13:20,000
I mean, some of his clothes,
they're cutting edge.
226
00:13:20,000 --> 00:13:21,680
The boy knows how to dress.
227
00:13:21,680 --> 00:13:26,760
Yeah, that's true. Maybe I should
get more funky.
228
00:13:26,760 --> 00:13:28,760
Step outside the suit and get
more...
229
00:13:28,760 --> 00:13:31,240
You're biting my bottom again,
aren't you?
230
00:13:33,640 --> 00:13:39,520
OK, this is hard,
10cc...before or after Tupac.
231
00:13:39,520 --> 00:13:43,480
Is Tupac's greater in volume
than 10cc's or...?
232
00:13:44,800 --> 00:13:46,600
..should I get a real job?
233
00:13:46,600 --> 00:13:48,480
DOOR BUZZER
234
00:13:51,640 --> 00:13:53,760
Dean, you brave man.
235
00:13:56,120 --> 00:14:01,120
Mike, I got you this book.
236
00:13:56,120 --> 00:14:01,120
It's called "The End of Your Life".
237
00:14:01,120 --> 00:14:03,880
What's it about? Caravanning?
238
00:14:03,880 --> 00:14:06,680
No, it's about...dying.
239
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:08,800
Oh, you brave man.
240
00:14:08,800 --> 00:14:11,720
To be honest,
I'm not much of a reader.
241
00:14:11,720 --> 00:14:13,880
I made you this.
242
00:14:13,880 --> 00:14:17,280
It's a mix of sad songs to play
when the end is near.
243
00:14:17,280 --> 00:14:20,040
"Now That's What I Call Death".
244
00:14:22,400 --> 00:14:24,880
Mike, this is really quite macabre.
245
00:14:24,880 --> 00:14:30,320
There's a lot of Radiohead, lot
of Morrissey, just a dash of McFly.
Everyone likes McFly.
246
00:14:30,320 --> 00:14:32,920
So, is this what you want played
when...it happens?
247
00:14:32,920 --> 00:14:37,320
If you don't mind. Thought we might
give out copies at the...ceremony.
248
00:14:37,320 --> 00:14:40,800
All publicity is good publicity.
249
00:14:40,800 --> 00:14:45,280
That's so incredibly optimistic,
to think anyone's going to
remember you when you...
250
00:14:45,280 --> 00:14:46,880
So, how long have you got left?
251
00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:52,280
Till when? Till you die. Oh, God -
ages. I don't want to rub it in.
How about you?
252
00:14:52,280 --> 00:14:56,520
60, maybe 70 years. If I stop
stressing about how pretty I am.
253
00:14:56,520 --> 00:14:58,800
That's a shedload of time!
Yeah, I know, I'm sorry.
254
00:14:58,800 --> 00:15:03,840
No, what I mean is, you're not
dying? Yeah, I'm sorry. It must
be tough for you. What with your...
255
00:15:03,840 --> 00:15:06,400
What have you got again?
Have you got the big C?
256
00:15:06,400 --> 00:15:10,600
The size of my C is
none of your concern.
257
00:15:10,600 --> 00:15:15,480
No, I mean what's killing you?
What are you dying of?
I'm not dying, you are!
258
00:15:15,480 --> 00:15:17,280
No, I'm not, you are.
No, you are! You are!
259
00:15:17,280 --> 00:15:18,440
No, I'm not.
260
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:22,000
But I'm beginning to wish I was.
261
00:15:22,000 --> 00:15:24,080
Me also.
262
00:15:24,080 --> 00:15:26,680
Oops-a-daisy! Michelle,
263
00:15:26,680 --> 00:15:28,040
why did you tell me Dean was dying?
264
00:15:28,040 --> 00:15:33,400
I've wasted whole minutes being nice
to him, minutes I will not get back.
265
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,520
And I bought him a book! It's got
pictures of Jesus - weeping.
266
00:15:36,520 --> 00:15:39,440
I'm sorry. I just really wanted you
two to get on.
267
00:15:39,440 --> 00:15:42,200
And saying you were dying seemed
like the easiest option.
268
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:43,400
You're such a big liar!
269
00:15:43,400 --> 00:15:45,720
She is, you know. She told me
her auntie was in the Bangles.
270
00:15:45,720 --> 00:15:49,240
Yeah, she told me my dog had been
put down, when everyone knows
271
00:15:49,240 --> 00:15:52,880
Farley went to live on a farm in
Altrincham with his sister.
272
00:15:52,880 --> 00:15:54,200
Oh, she's ruthless.
273
00:15:54,200 --> 00:15:56,600
She was worse as a kid. She used to
cry and cry
274
00:15:56,600 --> 00:15:59,200
until I let her out
of the fridge. Spoilt brat.
275
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:03,520
It's not gonna work this time,
Michelle. Yeah, we're not bowing
down to your demands.
276
00:16:03,520 --> 00:16:05,600
Come on, Mike. Let's go for a drink.
277
00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:08,120
Leave her to stew. Yeah.
278
00:16:08,120 --> 00:16:12,200
Stew. No! No! This wasn't supposed
to happen at all!
279
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,640
DOOR SHUTS
280
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,640
You're not supposed to bond
281
00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,640
over hating me!
282
00:16:15,640 --> 00:16:17,560
Don't let me stew.
283
00:16:17,560 --> 00:16:19,160
Oooh, stew.
284
00:16:25,240 --> 00:16:26,640
OOf!
285
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:29,280
Oh! It's not budging.
286
00:16:33,400 --> 00:16:36,000
I knew you couldn't last.
287
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:41,560
You've got to dump the flumps.
He's gone off me, I just know it.
288
00:16:41,560 --> 00:16:43,280
And I've worked so hard at dropping
289
00:16:43,280 --> 00:16:45,120
a dress size. I've not eaten a
thing.
290
00:16:45,120 --> 00:16:50,080
Hmm, are you sure
you've not been talking to Mr Pie
and his friends Pudding and Cake?
291
00:16:50,080 --> 00:16:53,040
No!
I have not been talking to Mr Pie.
292
00:16:54,440 --> 00:16:58,040
Well, maybe I sent him a memo
but it was very short.
293
00:16:59,120 --> 00:17:00,720
Ah-ah-ah!
294
00:17:00,720 --> 00:17:05,240
Now, help me solve my Martin
problem. What Martin problem?
295
00:17:05,240 --> 00:17:11,280
I'm down to my last two. And I'm
completely stressed about the whole
thing. Oh. I can help with stress.
296
00:17:11,280 --> 00:17:15,520
I'll show you an exercise.
OK, come on, just close your eyes.
297
00:17:17,240 --> 00:17:22,360
OK. The most important thing is
to keep our eyes closed.
298
00:17:22,360 --> 00:17:24,720
Now, lean to the right.
299
00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:28,680
Why? It helps with the healing.
300
00:17:28,680 --> 00:17:33,400
Now...we have to get rid of your
negativity. Imagine a white pole
entering your head from above.
301
00:17:33,400 --> 00:17:35,080
Ow! What you doing?
302
00:17:35,080 --> 00:17:39,640
I don't want a white stick
in me head! I'd look like a kebab.
303
00:17:39,640 --> 00:17:43,520
OK. Keep those eyes closed.
Release those toxins.
304
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:47,520
Oh, yeah. And I can feel
something releasing within me.
305
00:17:47,520 --> 00:17:50,840
Oh, my! It's a punch,
aimed directly at your face!
306
00:17:50,840 --> 00:17:52,120
Shhhh.
307
00:17:52,120 --> 00:17:53,280
SHSHSHSHSH!
308
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:54,720
Shhhh.
309
00:17:54,720 --> 00:17:56,080
SLURRRRP!
310
00:17:58,800 --> 00:18:00,360
What's that noise?
311
00:18:00,360 --> 00:18:03,840
Um... It's me. Saying "shhh."
312
00:18:03,840 --> 00:18:06,880
Like the ocean. Now say "Om."
313
00:18:06,880 --> 00:18:08,800
Ommmmmm.
314
00:18:08,800 --> 00:18:11,840
No, for louder and longer. Ommmmm.
315
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:14,560
Louder. OMMMM.
316
00:18:14,560 --> 00:18:17,720
OMMMMMM.
317
00:18:24,440 --> 00:18:26,320
I have rabies.
318
00:18:29,600 --> 00:18:33,760
This is going to be great. I've
never had a proper boyfriend before.
319
00:18:33,760 --> 00:18:36,520
Er, male, man...
320
00:18:36,520 --> 00:18:38,640
boy-buddy, man-pal...
321
00:18:38,640 --> 00:18:40,800
Ahem! Has anyone got any weights?
322
00:18:42,800 --> 00:18:46,520
What about Grant? I thought he was
your best mate. Grant's not a man.
323
00:18:46,520 --> 00:18:48,120
Hey, guys.
324
00:18:52,560 --> 00:18:54,800
Looking good, Grant. Yeah?
325
00:18:54,800 --> 00:18:56,000
You look like me Nan.
326
00:18:57,080 --> 00:18:59,800
What's with the...? Where did...?
What IS that?
327
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:02,960
I think you mean,
"What's with the threads?"
328
00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,800
I don't.
Quiet Dean, he's talking '80s.
329
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:07,480
Don't anger him, he may T'Pau us.
330
00:19:09,480 --> 00:19:12,000
What's up with you? This is
designer.
331
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:15,840
In court he's suited, booted
and high-faluted, but at night...
332
00:19:15,840 --> 00:19:18,520
He's a pimp.
333
00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:21,280
Yeah. A pimp
who borrows his Nan's coats.
334
00:19:21,280 --> 00:19:24,360
And oh, my God, Mikey,
he's wearing eyeliner.
335
00:19:24,360 --> 00:19:28,480
Brian from Placebo wears eyeliner.
So does Michael Jackson.
336
00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,120
And so does me Nan.
337
00:19:31,120 --> 00:19:32,960
Come on, let's go inside, Mike.
338
00:19:32,960 --> 00:19:38,000
You'll see,
people will kneel before this coat.
339
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:40,360
Kneel, they will.
340
00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,360
Like that, see.
341
00:19:48,840 --> 00:19:51,040
I can't breathe.
342
00:19:51,040 --> 00:19:54,120
Oh, you look great.
You always look great -
343
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:56,520
that's why everyone hates you.
344
00:19:56,520 --> 00:19:58,360
I can't breathe.
345
00:19:58,360 --> 00:20:00,400
Oh, look there's Martin One.
346
00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:02,720
Martin One. He's passionate about...
347
00:20:02,720 --> 00:20:04,240
I can't read my own writing.
348
00:20:04,240 --> 00:20:07,240
Does that say nougat or Nazis?
349
00:20:07,240 --> 00:20:08,280
Hi!
350
00:20:10,760 --> 00:20:12,880
I can't breathe!
351
00:20:12,880 --> 00:20:15,120
So this DJing lark...? Yeah?
352
00:20:15,120 --> 00:20:18,560
It's difficult is it?
Yeah, years of practice.
353
00:20:18,560 --> 00:20:22,280
It takes a very smooth hand
to slide Lemon Jelly into Beyonce.
354
00:20:22,280 --> 00:20:28,520
You reckon I could have a go? I've
been watching the master at work.
Yeah, go on. Seeing as we're mates.
355
00:20:28,520 --> 00:20:29,560
Ah!
356
00:20:29,560 --> 00:20:31,360
Just don't try anything too fancy -
357
00:20:31,360 --> 00:20:34,040
the punters will see
right through you. Of course.
358
00:20:39,440 --> 00:20:41,720
What a total git.
359
00:20:41,720 --> 00:20:44,400
Well, I can't believe
I misread that.
360
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:46,240
Who'd have thought that Martin One
361
00:20:46,240 --> 00:20:49,280
would have such a strong hatred
of nougat?
362
00:20:49,280 --> 00:20:51,800
And such a strong devotion
to Nazism?
363
00:20:51,800 --> 00:20:55,960
I can't breathe. Michelle, it's
never going to work out with me and
Dean.
364
00:20:55,960 --> 00:21:02,480
He's wrecked everything. I'll be out
of a job at this rate. And he's
ignoring me, and I wore the dress
365
00:21:02,480 --> 00:21:04,160
and I can't breathe.
366
00:21:05,160 --> 00:21:08,320
Dean's making a bit of a fool
of himself, isn't he?
367
00:21:09,840 --> 00:21:12,440
Grant, I said
to get yourself a better image.
368
00:21:12,440 --> 00:21:15,080
I didn't say steal an old one
off Ivana Trump.
369
00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:19,720
I got this from Selfridges!
This was over a grand.
370
00:21:19,720 --> 00:21:23,040
But I can afford it, oh, yeah.
371
00:21:23,040 --> 00:21:28,040
Just as long as I don't buy
anything else ever again.
Take the coat off, Grant.
372
00:21:28,040 --> 00:21:29,520
You'll attract Eskimos.
373
00:21:30,880 --> 00:21:33,040
You look like a bunny. Result!
374
00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:35,440
"Bunny" is what we used to call
our Nan.
375
00:21:37,560 --> 00:21:41,280
Hey! Go and have a dance.
That'll grab his attention.
376
00:21:41,280 --> 00:21:43,080
Oh, yeah, you're right.
377
00:21:43,080 --> 00:21:45,160
What's the worst that could happen?
378
00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:50,840
Oh, no-o-o!
379
00:22:08,680 --> 00:22:12,600
Michelle, I followed you home.
I hope that's OK.
380
00:22:15,920 --> 00:22:18,160
Oh, that was you?
381
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:20,840
Are you OK? I saw what happened
382
00:22:20,840 --> 00:22:24,280
and I can't pretend
that I wasn't visibly aroused.
383
00:22:25,400 --> 00:22:26,640
But are you OK?
384
00:22:26,640 --> 00:22:28,520
I'm fine.
385
00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:31,800
It's just,
Dean's never going to like me now.
386
00:22:31,800 --> 00:22:35,640
I'll never have another proper
relationship, I'll be single forever
387
00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,080
and Dean'll call me
"naked splitty-dress girl".
388
00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:44,560
He's not good with nicknames.
What do you see in him, Michelle?
389
00:22:44,560 --> 00:22:46,240
Oh, I don't know.
390
00:22:46,240 --> 00:22:51,600
He clearly isn't interested in me.
He didn't follow me home like a...
lost dog.
391
00:22:51,600 --> 00:22:52,640
Woof!
392
00:22:55,360 --> 00:22:58,200
Barking at girls isn't good, Grant.
Sorry.
393
00:22:58,200 --> 00:23:00,080
Look, Michelle, listen.
394
00:23:01,440 --> 00:23:04,080
You know that coat I was wearing
tonight?
395
00:23:04,080 --> 00:23:08,160
I bought that for you.
Then why were you wearing it?
396
00:23:08,160 --> 00:23:12,400
No I bought it to impress you...
with my stylish threads.
397
00:23:14,040 --> 00:23:15,560
Aw, Grant.
398
00:23:15,560 --> 00:23:21,440
I'm not impressed by things like
that. Well, if not clothes,
then what are you impressed with?
399
00:23:21,440 --> 00:23:24,080
Oh, I'm impressed by clothes
just not things like that.
400
00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,960
Look, I'll just say it.
401
00:23:29,560 --> 00:23:31,480
I've liked you for ages, Michelle.
402
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:34,400
Yeah I know. And... You knew?
403
00:23:34,400 --> 00:23:37,760
But...I've been so secretive.
404
00:23:38,800 --> 00:23:43,040
Grant. Nobody else remembers my
birthday, or gets me an Easter egg
405
00:23:43,040 --> 00:23:46,040
or celebrates the anniversary of our
first sandwich together.
406
00:23:46,040 --> 00:23:48,000
March 22nd. Tuna.
407
00:23:50,360 --> 00:23:54,200
And I know we had a bit of a snog
when I was vulnerable but...
408
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,120
Don't say "but." OK.
409
00:23:56,120 --> 00:23:57,800
However... Don't say "however."
410
00:23:57,800 --> 00:23:59,320
Nevertheless?
411
00:23:59,320 --> 00:24:02,320
Are you going to run out
of synonyms any time soon?
412
00:24:03,320 --> 00:24:04,960
I have a thesaurus.
413
00:24:04,960 --> 00:24:08,040
Then just get it over with.
414
00:24:08,040 --> 00:24:12,360
OK. Look, Grant,
you're a really lovely bloke.
415
00:24:12,360 --> 00:24:16,960
But...this is just something
that's never going to happen.
416
00:24:16,960 --> 00:24:18,600
I'm sorry.
417
00:24:18,600 --> 00:24:21,480
Is it because of the coat?
418
00:24:22,760 --> 00:24:27,360
If I say it's because of the coat,
will you take it back to Selfridges?
Yes. It's because of the coat.
419
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,760
I'm gonna kill that sister of yours.
420
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,760
Get in the queue. I'll kill her
421
00:24:30,960 --> 00:24:34,760
first.
422
00:24:34,760 --> 00:24:38,280
She should've known me and Dean
wouldn't get on. Look at him.
423
00:24:38,280 --> 00:24:39,400
He dances like the wind.
424
00:24:43,280 --> 00:24:46,440
I've lost all my Martins.
Every last one!
425
00:24:46,440 --> 00:24:50,000
One I dumped for being a murderer,
Two I insulted, and the final one,
426
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:52,560
I'm pretty sure will be OK
427
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:55,840
but I think his arm is broken.
What did you do?
428
00:24:55,840 --> 00:24:57,880
I broke his arm.
429
00:24:57,880 --> 00:24:59,000
Obviously.
430
00:25:00,200 --> 00:25:03,120
Poor me. Poor, Martinless me.
431
00:25:03,120 --> 00:25:04,720
My middle name's Martin.
432
00:25:08,400 --> 00:25:11,480
So you eat rubbish
whenever Dean upsets you?
433
00:25:11,480 --> 00:25:13,480
Whenever anyone upsets me.
434
00:25:13,480 --> 00:25:17,640
Whenever there's a bad news story,
whenever a celebrity dies,
435
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:19,160
whenever I see a wasp.
436
00:25:19,160 --> 00:25:20,360
Argh!
437
00:25:20,360 --> 00:25:21,880
MIKE WHIMPERS
438
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:27,720
Is it even worth me asking?
439
00:25:24,040 --> 00:25:27,720
Michelle, can I borrow your brother,
440
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,440
seeing as you've ruined
all my other relationships? No!
441
00:25:30,440 --> 00:25:32,640
You may not! You'll kill him.
442
00:25:32,640 --> 00:25:34,440
Well, Grant then? No!
443
00:25:34,440 --> 00:25:39,600
Claire, did you see Dean?
Ooh, can I borrow Dean?
444
00:25:39,600 --> 00:25:41,560
No, you filthy article.
445
00:25:41,560 --> 00:25:42,800
Dean is mine!
446
00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:46,040
You're frightening.
447
00:25:46,040 --> 00:25:49,000
She bites bottoms.
448
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,320
Miaow!
449
00:25:49,000 --> 00:25:52,320
Your boyfriend's ruined everything.
450
00:25:52,320 --> 00:25:55,760
How good...do I look?
451
00:25:58,040 --> 00:26:01,160
What are you doing here?
Come to laugh at my split dress?
452
00:26:01,160 --> 00:26:03,240
What, you split the dress?
453
00:26:03,240 --> 00:26:07,800
But it was a 14!
It was nowhere near a 14.
454
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:10,360
Excuse me! I'm nowhere near a 14!
455
00:26:10,360 --> 00:26:12,440
Yeah, from the Little Rascals
section.
456
00:26:13,480 --> 00:26:16,440
From the...children's section?
But...
457
00:26:16,440 --> 00:26:19,200
But that's a dress for a
14-year-old.
458
00:26:19,200 --> 00:26:21,320
Oh, my snakelike hips!
459
00:26:21,320 --> 00:26:24,760
I have the body of a 14-year-old!
460
00:26:24,760 --> 00:26:28,560
I'm so nubile! I'm so gamine!
I am...
461
00:26:28,560 --> 00:26:30,400
Give me some cream!
462
00:26:33,120 --> 00:26:34,720
I suppose the promoters asked you
463
00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:38,160
back next week for more shenanigans,
did they? No, it's weird actually,
464
00:26:38,160 --> 00:26:40,840
they threw me out.
That move you showed me.
465
00:26:40,840 --> 00:26:42,480
They thought I had a seizure,
466
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:45,680
didn't want the compensation claim
if I injured myself.
467
00:26:45,680 --> 00:26:48,880
Ha! Brilliant. You clown. You were
obviously weren't doing it right.
468
00:26:48,880 --> 00:26:50,040
It's goes like this.
469
00:26:50,040 --> 00:26:53,280
# DJ Mike, making love to you
470
00:26:53,280 --> 00:26:54,560
# E-ver-y night
471
00:26:54,560 --> 00:26:55,680
# And taking some
472
00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,360
# anti-hist-am-ine
473
00:26:58,360 --> 00:27:00,520
# For his mosquito bites. #
474
00:27:02,040 --> 00:27:03,520
You - balcony.
475
00:27:05,800 --> 00:27:07,320
What was I thinking? You'd have to
476
00:27:07,320 --> 00:27:10,840
be really desperate to try it on
with that.
477
00:27:16,680 --> 00:27:20,400
You look nice in that coat.
You look nice in that dress.
478
00:27:22,040 --> 00:27:24,280
What are you doing, Michelle?
479
00:27:24,280 --> 00:27:27,360
Oh, sorry, Grant. It's the coat!
480
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:31,720
We'll be needing that.
481
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