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1
00:00:10,440 --> 00:00:13,680
Thanks for last night.
It was the best yet. I know.
2
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:16,040
You were amazing. I know.
3
00:00:16,040 --> 00:00:19,200
You just blew me away. Oh, stop...
4
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,920
I know.
5
00:00:20,920 --> 00:00:25,960
Next time, we might be
able to finish it. Definitely.
6
00:00:25,960 --> 00:00:28,200
Especially if I, er...
7
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,440
tap the red button a bit faster.
8
00:00:32,160 --> 00:00:34,960
And thank Mike again
for letting us use the Xbox.
9
00:00:34,960 --> 00:00:36,480
Will do.
10
00:00:36,480 --> 00:00:40,080
All right, look, I'll
see you tonight. I'll miss you.
11
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:41,600
I love you.
12
00:00:45,680 --> 00:00:50,360
Yeah.
OK... well... I'm just OK, OK bye.
13
00:00:50,360 --> 00:00:54,640
I... I... I said I shove you.
14
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:57,240
Oh, tiddly-poo.
15
00:01:09,160 --> 00:01:12,680
Reykjavik! Reykjavik!
16
00:01:19,080 --> 00:01:20,800
Morning.
17
00:01:20,800 --> 00:01:22,520
I had the Reykjavik dream again.
18
00:01:22,520 --> 00:01:24,520
You were there, Dean was there...
19
00:01:24,520 --> 00:01:28,600
Bjork was there but I think
she'd only gone to visit her mum.
20
00:01:28,600 --> 00:01:32,120
What are you doing sleeping on the
couch!? Off the furniture! Come on!
21
00:01:32,120 --> 00:01:35,680
I always sleep here. So I can watch
Desperate Housewives. Great show.
22
00:01:35,680 --> 00:01:37,200
It's a show?
23
00:01:40,120 --> 00:01:41,800
Well, you can't sleep there!
24
00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,920
I can't sleep in me room.
25
00:01:43,920 --> 00:01:45,600
It's tiny, there's no windows.
26
00:01:45,600 --> 00:01:47,400
It's like a coffin.
27
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:51,640
It's like my coffin. I could die,
Michelle. It frightens me.
28
00:01:51,640 --> 00:01:55,640
You're frightened of your room?
And Natasha Kaplinsky.
29
00:01:57,160 --> 00:01:58,960
Natasha Kaplinsky?
30
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:00,080
Where?!
31
00:02:02,400 --> 00:02:04,880
Well, I forbid you to sleep there!
32
00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:09,520
Same as I forbidded you from
keeping that dead fox you found
stuck to the front of your van.
33
00:02:09,520 --> 00:02:11,960
Ohhh... But...I wuv you, ickle sis.
34
00:02:11,960 --> 00:02:14,560
I'm so scared of my room.
Please don't make me go in there.
35
00:02:14,560 --> 00:02:18,080
It's small and badly lit
with really sharp corners...
36
00:02:18,080 --> 00:02:20,240
not unlike Natasha Kaplinsky.
37
00:02:20,240 --> 00:02:23,440
It's really scary, 'Chelle!
Please, 'Chelle! Please!
38
00:02:24,440 --> 00:02:27,680
Awww. Mikey. Shhhh. Shhh.
39
00:02:27,680 --> 00:02:33,280
# DJ Mike, sleepy tight
Every night. #
40
00:02:34,280 --> 00:02:37,240
Aww, I love you. I wuv you.
41
00:02:37,240 --> 00:02:39,800
See! Why can't Dean do that?!
42
00:02:44,600 --> 00:02:47,560
My parents have bought
plots in the cemetery in Swansea.
43
00:02:47,560 --> 00:02:51,680
Aww, that's romantic. It's nice to
have a hobby when you're retired.
44
00:02:51,680 --> 00:02:54,640
Yeah, the whole family's going in.
45
00:02:54,640 --> 00:02:59,240
One on top of the other. Like
some hellish game of death snap.
46
00:02:59,240 --> 00:03:01,440
It's important to
know your neighbours.
47
00:03:01,440 --> 00:03:04,000
Even if your neighbours
are rotting corpses.
48
00:03:05,520 --> 00:03:10,320
Actually, my neighbour
WAS a rotting corpse. Mr Rattigan.
49
00:03:10,320 --> 00:03:13,640
Took six feasting cats
and a week of me going...
50
00:03:13,640 --> 00:03:16,000
SHE SNIFFS
51
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:19,560
..before I realised.
52
00:03:19,560 --> 00:03:22,320
I can't face it, I really can't.
53
00:03:22,320 --> 00:03:25,200
My body bits mingling with theirs.
54
00:03:25,200 --> 00:03:27,200
It'd be like, incestuous,
55
00:03:27,200 --> 00:03:30,800
and not in a good way.
56
00:03:30,800 --> 00:03:33,160
Look, Grant, you're a solicitor.
57
00:03:33,160 --> 00:03:35,680
We die too, Claire.
58
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:39,440
No, what I mean is,
if you're scared of getting buried,
59
00:03:39,440 --> 00:03:44,520
make a will saying that whoever's
your beneficiary can only get your
estate if they burn your body.
60
00:03:44,520 --> 00:03:46,760
A funeral pyre!
61
00:03:46,760 --> 00:03:48,840
That'd be nice and cosy!
62
00:03:48,840 --> 00:03:52,640
That's brilliant, Claire.
That's actually a really good idea.
63
00:03:52,640 --> 00:03:54,800
Have you done something different?
64
00:03:56,320 --> 00:03:59,080
Oh, my God, yeah!
I didn't go out last night!
65
00:03:59,080 --> 00:04:03,440
I stayed in, I didn't drink
and I went to bed early!
66
00:04:03,440 --> 00:04:05,840
I stay in every night. I like it!
67
00:04:05,840 --> 00:04:10,120
I wash my teacup
before I go to work and leave
a level teaspoon of sweetener
68
00:04:10,120 --> 00:04:14,200
and 50mls of milk
perpendicular to the kettle
so that there's no time wasted
69
00:04:14,200 --> 00:04:20,120
before I can settle down in front
of my Judge John Deed videos
and, sweet Lord, kill me now.
70
00:04:21,320 --> 00:04:23,120
OK. Don't speak, listen.
71
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:27,280
I'm about to say something now
72
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:27,280
and I want you to say the first thing
73
00:04:23,120 --> 00:04:27,280
that comes into your head.
74
00:04:27,280 --> 00:04:29,080
I love you. I love you!
75
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,640
Guess what I did last night?
76
00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:40,280
Erm, considering your previous
form I'm going to say...a sailor?
77
00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:43,400
No. Get ready... I stayed in!
78
00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:44,920
Stayed in...
79
00:04:44,920 --> 00:04:46,200
with a sailor?
80
00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:52,760
No, I didn't get funky on booze! And
now I'm like really good at advice!
81
00:04:52,760 --> 00:04:54,520
And I'm in a great mood.
82
00:04:54,520 --> 00:04:58,400
I didn't even spit at any kids or
anything this morning on the way in.
83
00:04:58,400 --> 00:05:00,000
Claire?
84
00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:02,840
All right, I spat at one.
85
00:05:02,840 --> 00:05:06,200
But he started it and I'm not
having it, even if he "claims"
86
00:05:06,200 --> 00:05:07,960
to have a cleft palate.
87
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:12,480
Come on. Let me give you advice.
88
00:05:12,480 --> 00:05:14,920
Well, I do have one little problem.
89
00:05:14,920 --> 00:05:16,560
A girlie problem.
90
00:05:16,560 --> 00:05:18,440
Say no more. Live yoghurt.
91
00:05:18,440 --> 00:05:20,120
Not Muller Crunch Corners.
92
00:05:21,680 --> 00:05:25,720
Eughh... No, not that.
93
00:05:25,720 --> 00:05:27,480
I told Dean I love him and...
94
00:05:27,480 --> 00:05:30,360
Oh, my God. You complete tosser.
95
00:05:30,360 --> 00:05:33,160
You're a twicketing psycho-bird!
96
00:05:33,160 --> 00:05:37,360
You've freaked the guy out
mental style and now you've
sponked it out of the area.
97
00:05:37,360 --> 00:05:40,000
It's as if the Dalai Lama
were in the room.
98
00:05:40,000 --> 00:05:43,200
OK. Look. What you've done
is you've become over-emotional.
99
00:05:43,200 --> 00:05:47,000
Do you think? And to counteract
your stupid "I love you-ing",
100
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:50,920
you have to be completely
the opposite. Cold and unemotional.
101
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,600
Well, that's just...
102
00:05:52,600 --> 00:05:55,440
Don't be so...
That's a really good idea!
103
00:05:56,440 --> 00:06:00,600
Claire! That is so unlike you.
See, mental clarity!
104
00:06:00,600 --> 00:06:03,400
I wonder if I can move your
cup with my mind.
105
00:06:05,200 --> 00:06:07,320
Whoa!
106
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:14,640
Oooh. Now, tell me,
what I can do to make a 29-year-old
man sleep in his own room?
107
00:06:14,640 --> 00:06:18,120
Stick me in there, naked.
108
00:06:20,920 --> 00:06:23,120
Not afraid of the dark.
109
00:06:23,120 --> 00:06:26,960
Not afraid of the dark.
Not afraid of the dark...
110
00:06:26,960 --> 00:06:28,720
Oh, my God, they're coming for me!
111
00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:34,600
This is worse than
when Natasha Kaplinsky smiles and
looks like she's going to bite me.
112
00:06:35,520 --> 00:06:39,320
Ahh, Mike, I've got you something.
113
00:06:39,320 --> 00:06:42,720
What are you doing with my
blindfold!? It was in your underwear
drawer.
114
00:06:44,400 --> 00:06:47,120
I found it when I was trying
on some of your silken briefs.
115
00:06:47,120 --> 00:06:49,120
They felt good,
116
00:06:49,120 --> 00:06:51,520
they still do.
117
00:06:51,520 --> 00:06:54,440
Mike! How dare you!
118
00:06:54,440 --> 00:06:57,640
I wuv you, ickle sis. Aww, OK...
No!
119
00:06:57,640 --> 00:07:00,640
No! I'm being cold and unemotional.
120
00:07:00,640 --> 00:07:02,280
Displaying no emotion.
121
00:07:02,280 --> 00:07:05,520
Now, look at this funny little
squidgy thingy I boughted you!
122
00:07:05,520 --> 00:07:10,480
Oh, my God! It's a pet gherkin!
123
00:07:10,480 --> 00:07:13,120
How did you know?
124
00:07:13,120 --> 00:07:17,360
Now I can finally complete my set
of stuffed piccalilli ingredients!
125
00:07:17,360 --> 00:07:19,120
It's so you can sleep in your room.
126
00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:22,120
To protect you from the monsters
that lurk in your cupboard
127
00:07:22,120 --> 00:07:24,360
or the spiders that crawl in your
mouth as you sleep.
128
00:07:24,360 --> 00:07:27,360
Yeah. You could have mentioned
those before I moved in!
129
00:07:27,360 --> 00:07:29,880
Mike, doesn't it bother
you that you're a 30-year-old man,
130
00:07:29,880 --> 00:07:32,400
living with his sister
and frightened of his bedroom?
131
00:07:32,400 --> 00:07:39,200
Michelle, doesn't it bother you
that some of your silken briefs
have been nestling against my shame.
132
00:07:43,440 --> 00:07:45,960
Not reacting!
133
00:07:45,960 --> 00:07:48,240
You use this like a behavioural tool.
134
00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:52,160
You hug it and it keeps the light on
so you're not scared, like so...
135
00:07:52,160 --> 00:07:54,960
Then as you drift off,
so does the Gloworm.
136
00:07:54,960 --> 00:07:58,840
And if you get scared and wake up.
Simply squeeze. Et voila.
137
00:07:58,840 --> 00:08:01,320
Actually that's brilliant.
This is amazing.
138
00:08:01,320 --> 00:08:03,400
I'll finally get a good night's
sleep.
139
00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:07,240
Why, with his judgmental, moon-like
face and segmented body...
140
00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:08,280
I shall name him...
141
00:08:08,280 --> 00:08:09,440
Michelle.
142
00:08:11,800 --> 00:08:13,760
Oh, Michael.
143
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:17,960
You see, if I was being emotional,
I might do this...
144
00:08:22,080 --> 00:08:25,080
But I'm not affected by
being compared to a child's toy
145
00:08:25,080 --> 00:08:28,280
that looks like the contents of
Barbara Streisand's handkerchief.
146
00:08:28,280 --> 00:08:31,000
So... Humph.
147
00:08:31,000 --> 00:08:33,440
Humph? Yes..
148
00:08:33,440 --> 00:08:35,720
Humph...and...pah!
149
00:08:36,760 --> 00:08:39,040
Hello. Humph!
150
00:08:40,240 --> 00:08:42,520
What did I do? Leave her.
151
00:08:42,520 --> 00:08:44,600
She's trying to be unemotional.
152
00:08:44,600 --> 00:08:48,600
Do you want to buy some of her used
silken briefs? They've been worn...
153
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:50,880
..by me.
154
00:08:50,880 --> 00:08:52,800
No.
155
00:08:52,800 --> 00:08:54,840
What have you got there?
156
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,600
It is...
157
00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:57,600
FANFARE
158
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,600
..my will!
159
00:08:59,600 --> 00:09:04,160
I'm leaving you all of my stuff.
Whey...
160
00:09:04,160 --> 00:09:05,720
You haven't got any stuff.
161
00:09:05,720 --> 00:09:08,640
I know, and I'm not likely to
for a while either.
162
00:09:08,640 --> 00:09:11,760
Do you know, a client tried
to pay me with a TV the other day.
163
00:09:11,760 --> 00:09:13,400
Totally trying to take advantage.
164
00:09:13,400 --> 00:09:16,240
What did you do? I took it.
165
00:09:16,240 --> 00:09:22,960
He looked really sad, all red-eyed
and thin, though it occurs to me now
that he might have been on heroin...
166
00:09:22,960 --> 00:09:26,920
Why's that?
Cos he was smoking heroin.
167
00:09:26,920 --> 00:09:30,200
So will you do it? What's the catch?
168
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:35,480
Well, you've gotta make sure
169
00:09:30,200 --> 00:09:35,480
that I'm burned. Not buried. Burned.
170
00:09:35,480 --> 00:09:40,440
And...and keep my ashes somewhere
safe. Here, near Michelle.
171
00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,840
And by the telly
so I can watch Judge John Deed.
172
00:09:43,840 --> 00:09:47,200
OK. But burned - are you sure that's
the way you want to go, Grant?
173
00:09:47,200 --> 00:09:50,480
Oh, yeah, all toasty and snug.
174
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,840
And burnt, and there's bits
that don't go up
175
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:57,000
so they put in a kind of washing
machine full of ball-bearings
to grind up your bones.
176
00:09:57,000 --> 00:10:00,960
Grind my bones? To make their bread?
177
00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:02,640
Mmm...
178
00:10:02,640 --> 00:10:06,880
And they say it's the
fat that goes up first. Woooshhh!
179
00:10:06,880 --> 00:10:11,080
Ah... But I was planning
on an old age of great fatness!
180
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:15,400
And the worst thing is,
181
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:15,400
when you start cooking,
182
00:10:11,080 --> 00:10:15,400
it's like a sausage on a barbecue...
183
00:10:15,400 --> 00:10:18,360
Szzz... Szzz... Szzz...
184
00:10:18,360 --> 00:10:20,800
BANG! Arghh!
185
00:10:20,800 --> 00:10:22,360
Don't do that!
186
00:10:22,360 --> 00:10:27,880
Oh, no, there is no way they're
burning me and no way you're
getting my ashes. BANG! Argh!
187
00:10:27,880 --> 00:10:30,000
Natasha Kaplinsky! Argh! ..BANG!
188
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:31,800
Argh! ..Natasha Kaplinsky!
189
00:10:31,800 --> 00:10:34,400
Argh! ..Bang!
Argh! ..Natasha Kaplinsky! Argh!
190
00:10:39,240 --> 00:10:41,280
Is it even worth me asking?
191
00:10:41,280 --> 00:10:45,080
OK, does this look austere?
192
00:10:45,080 --> 00:10:47,160
Oh, definitely.
193
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:50,960
You look like you're about to
194
00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:50,960
present an award to a special child.
195
00:10:50,960 --> 00:10:52,480
Splendid.
196
00:10:52,480 --> 00:10:57,040
I'm meeting Dean after work.
He needs to know I'm
not an emotional girlie girl.
197
00:10:57,040 --> 00:10:59,680
I've even made up a walk, watch!
198
00:11:03,040 --> 00:11:05,440
How much did you
say those pants were?
199
00:11:14,760 --> 00:11:17,880
Good evening. Hello, gorgeous.
200
00:11:17,880 --> 00:11:21,600
Oh. You want a bit of that, do you?
201
00:11:22,520 --> 00:11:24,840
You love it! Rrrr!
202
00:11:24,840 --> 00:11:30,040
I do not. Your tongue on my ear
is neither pleasurable nor charming.
203
00:11:30,040 --> 00:11:34,680
What's the matter, Michelle?
Is it cos of this morning?
Nothing happened this morning.
204
00:11:34,680 --> 00:11:36,480
Oh, yes, it did. You said...
205
00:11:36,480 --> 00:11:41,080
I said nothing!
What, then it's something else?
206
00:11:41,080 --> 00:11:44,200
What? Have you gone off me?
207
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:47,000
Maybe.
208
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,520
Michelle, talk to me.
Is it because I didn't say...
209
00:11:50,520 --> 00:11:55,160
Yes, it's because you didn't say it,
you horrible smelly boy.
I want it. I want it. I want it!
210
00:11:55,160 --> 00:11:56,800
And you won't do givesies.
211
00:11:56,800 --> 00:11:59,800
That's why I'm being so cold. Watch.
212
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,400
Michelle, we've only known
213
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:03,400
each other for like... I don't care!
214
00:12:03,400 --> 00:12:06,360
You have to give things back
when people give them to you.
215
00:12:06,360 --> 00:12:09,120
It's like you've borrowed
my bestest retro rain mac
216
00:12:09,120 --> 00:12:14,320
and you're walking round wearing
it going, "Ooh, look I'm Dean in
Michelle's bestest retro rain mac,"
217
00:12:14,320 --> 00:12:17,880
and I'm shivering in the cold cos
you've got my bestest retro rain mac
218
00:12:17,880 --> 00:12:21,280
and you didn't even lend me so much
as a Primark donkey jacket.
219
00:12:21,280 --> 00:12:23,200
Pardon?
220
00:12:23,200 --> 00:12:25,840
Oh, forget it. Forget this!
Forget everything!
221
00:12:25,840 --> 00:12:29,080
Do I forget about the rain mac?
Cos that part seemed important.
222
00:12:29,080 --> 00:12:31,280
Oh, I'm going home.
223
00:12:31,280 --> 00:12:33,840
Look, Michelle wait!
224
00:12:35,840 --> 00:12:36,880
Yes.
225
00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,120
I...can't. I'm sorry.
It's not right.
226
00:12:42,120 --> 00:12:45,200
Oh, you stupid horrible boy!
227
00:12:47,040 --> 00:12:49,520
I'll get you that "mac", though.
228
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,560
HYSTERICAL SCREAMING
229
00:13:06,160 --> 00:13:09,720
Oh, my God, you look
just like Natasha Kaplinsky!
230
00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:20,520
If I ever look like I'm about to
listen to your advice again
hit me in the face with a spade,
231
00:13:20,520 --> 00:13:24,880
tied to a gun,
tied to a knife, tied to a shark.
232
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:28,000
What?! My advice didn't work?
233
00:13:28,000 --> 00:13:30,280
Well, that's just impossible.
234
00:13:30,280 --> 00:13:32,240
I'm amazing at advice.
235
00:13:32,240 --> 00:13:35,440
I'm Marjorie Proops
with firmer breasts.
236
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,560
And I'll prove it to you.
237
00:13:38,560 --> 00:13:46,160
Now there's a lady who needs to be
told the dangers of combining
Lycra, tattoos and 40% body flob.
238
00:13:46,160 --> 00:13:49,520
Yoo-hoo! Fat chav!
239
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:04,240
For someone with a segmented body,
you ain't half durable.
240
00:14:04,240 --> 00:14:06,400
Why won't you die?
241
00:14:07,680 --> 00:14:10,200
He won't tell me he loves me.
242
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:13,280
And I told him. Well, you'll just
have to dump him, then.
243
00:14:13,280 --> 00:14:15,160
He obviously hates you.
244
00:14:16,680 --> 00:14:21,320
Grant, are you just saying this
because you have a crush on me?
Whoa! Me?!
245
00:14:21,320 --> 00:14:23,280
A crush? On you!
246
00:14:25,160 --> 00:14:26,600
Don't be ridic...
247
00:14:26,600 --> 00:14:29,280
Yes, I was trying to put
you off him, he loves you.
248
00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:31,600
Well, then why won't he say it?
249
00:14:31,600 --> 00:14:35,640
Some people just find it hard
to say "I love you".
250
00:14:35,640 --> 00:14:38,880
People with their jaws wired shut.
251
00:14:38,880 --> 00:14:44,520
People born without mouths,
crocodiles, people with manners
chewing some grapes, people...
252
00:14:44,520 --> 00:14:48,240
Yes. All right.
They are only words, I suppose.
253
00:14:48,240 --> 00:14:51,240
"I love you". Really?
254
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,760
Well,
255
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,760
you should focus on people's actions
256
00:14:51,240 --> 00:14:56,760
not what comes out of their mouth.
257
00:14:56,760 --> 00:15:00,680
Especially not what comes out of my
mouth. Sometimes I spit when I talk.
258
00:15:00,680 --> 00:15:04,080
Yeah! Like when he brings me little
things he thinks I might like.
259
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,200
I bring you interesting leaves.
260
00:15:07,200 --> 00:15:09,200
Or phoning me, just to say hello.
261
00:15:09,200 --> 00:15:12,800
I phone you to tell you about
interesting leaves I've seen.
262
00:15:12,800 --> 00:15:15,560
Or never getting annoyed.
Even when I'm a bit pretentious.
263
00:15:15,560 --> 00:15:19,560
Which I am, I know,
I've got a profound knowledge
of my internal self.
264
00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,760
He's probably not
even listening to you.
265
00:15:21,760 --> 00:15:25,840
Probably just watching your mouth
move and wondering what it'd be like
266
00:15:25,840 --> 00:15:32,480
to kiss you, and then get married
and have twins, Grant and Grantina.
267
00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:37,160
And getting excited about showing
you where he grew up and
all the back streets of Swansea,
268
00:15:37,160 --> 00:15:39,960
all the places
he's been mugged by infants.
269
00:15:39,960 --> 00:15:46,840
And wanting you to love Swansea too
so we could retire there, and maybe
get a small holding. Grow potatoes.
270
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:48,680
Yennyway.
271
00:15:48,680 --> 00:15:51,760
You're right.
The fact is he shows me he loves me.
272
00:15:51,760 --> 00:15:53,480
Through actions, not words.
273
00:15:53,480 --> 00:15:55,680
Oh, thanks, Grant.
274
00:15:55,680 --> 00:15:57,920
Your advice
is much better than Claire's.
275
00:15:57,920 --> 00:16:01,320
SCREAMING:
Save me from the fat lass!
276
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:08,200
I mean, I shouldn't have even
have said it at all. I show him
how I love him by my actions.
277
00:16:08,200 --> 00:16:11,000
What do you do for him?
Loads, I bet.
278
00:16:11,000 --> 00:16:16,840
Do you make him a packed lunch for
the office because the other boys
at work steal his dinner money? No.
279
00:16:16,840 --> 00:16:22,480
Do you buy him pants for the
office because the other boys
at work steal his pants?
280
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:28,440
No. Do you think about him even
when you're not with him, because
you know that somehow, somewhere,
281
00:16:28,440 --> 00:16:31,320
the other boys at work are
poking him with biros?
282
00:16:33,120 --> 00:16:36,360
No, I hardly ever think
about him when he's not.
283
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:39,160
And I don't
actually do anything for him...
284
00:16:39,160 --> 00:16:41,000
Oh, good Lord.
285
00:16:41,000 --> 00:16:42,720
I don't love him!
286
00:16:42,720 --> 00:16:44,840
SCREAMING
287
00:16:48,280 --> 00:16:52,640
I can't just say those words without
meaning them. Serious stuff, man.
288
00:16:52,640 --> 00:16:54,600
I've been engaged.
289
00:16:54,600 --> 00:16:56,880
I've had my heart broken.
290
00:16:56,880 --> 00:17:00,440
Ha! What? It's funny.
291
00:17:03,720 --> 00:17:09,160
And I promised myself the next
person I told that I loved them
292
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:12,560
I was going to marry.
Do you want to be hurt?
293
00:17:12,560 --> 00:17:15,120
Do you want me help? Yeah.
Then let me do my face.
294
00:17:16,960 --> 00:17:18,520
OK, I'm done.
295
00:17:18,520 --> 00:17:25,640
Right, let's see, eh, imagine
someone or something you love,
right, for me, a beer, for you?
296
00:17:25,640 --> 00:17:28,240
Oh! Conan the Barbarian.
297
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:34,160
OK, well, then,
imagine I'm Conan the Barbarian,
practise telling me you love me.
298
00:17:34,160 --> 00:17:35,880
Right.
299
00:17:38,920 --> 00:17:41,320
I love you, Conan the Barbarian.
300
00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:46,480
Good, now just say it like
you REALLY mean it. Come on.
301
00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:48,560
I LOVE YOU, CONAN THE BARBARIAN!
302
00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:53,240
MAN: I love you too!
303
00:17:54,160 --> 00:17:57,960
This is stupid. Like lying to her.
304
00:17:57,960 --> 00:17:59,920
Just three meaningless words, Dean.
305
00:17:59,920 --> 00:18:04,400
Like "education, education,
education",
or "lobster, hockey, blimp".
306
00:18:14,120 --> 00:18:16,800
Oh, no duvet. Brilliant.
307
00:18:16,800 --> 00:18:19,000
Best night's sleep ever.
308
00:18:19,000 --> 00:18:23,240
What were you doing in my room?
Er...the washing up?
309
00:18:24,760 --> 00:18:26,360
And what's that!
310
00:18:29,680 --> 00:18:31,320
I'm glad you asked.
311
00:18:31,320 --> 00:18:33,240
That would be a dead Gloworm.
312
00:18:33,240 --> 00:18:34,960
What have you done?
313
00:18:34,960 --> 00:18:39,560
What's up, Michelle? Are you scared
that the Gloworm's ghost will
rise in the night and attack you?
314
00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:43,760
No.
I was, hence the misuse of the fork.
315
00:18:43,760 --> 00:18:47,280
All right? How did you not sleep
on the couch without the Gloworm?
316
00:18:47,280 --> 00:18:49,960
Oh, that? I slept under your bed.
Claire told me to do it.
317
00:18:49,960 --> 00:18:52,320
What was it like?
I bet it smells lovely.
318
00:18:52,320 --> 00:18:54,440
All socks and dust and that.
319
00:18:54,440 --> 00:18:58,240
We've got to get her back on the
drink, her advice is unbearable.
320
00:18:58,240 --> 00:19:01,960
One of my clients left in tears after
she shouted, "Stop having acne!"
321
00:19:03,480 --> 00:19:06,440
Your flapping jaws are
tiring me. I'll be under your bed.
322
00:19:06,440 --> 00:19:10,480
Mike! This can't go on. How
dare you invade my privacy like that?
323
00:19:10,480 --> 00:19:12,000
I only slept under your bed.
324
00:19:12,000 --> 00:19:14,000
It's not like I read your diary...
325
00:19:14,000 --> 00:19:16,760
although, I read that as well.
326
00:19:16,760 --> 00:19:19,000
And to answer
your question of March 20th,
327
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:22,200
no, I have not been rifling through
your drawers looking for cash...
328
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,280
OK, yeah, I have.
329
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:26,080
# DJ Mike, stealing your money,
every night
330
00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:34,240
# And occasionally
trying on your tights... #
331
00:19:35,280 --> 00:19:39,000
We are finding a solution to this,
Michael! An air mattress would help.
332
00:19:39,000 --> 00:19:42,280
Hey, at least I've found a
solution to your Dean problem.
333
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:47,880
What have you done?
334
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:47,880
He's going to tell you that he loves
335
00:19:42,280 --> 00:19:47,880
you! Ain't I the best? Oh, no!
336
00:19:47,880 --> 00:19:49,480
Oh, no! Oh, yes!
337
00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:52,440
And he said that he'd only say
that to someone he wanted to marry.
338
00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,320
I don't love him.
How could you do this? How?
339
00:19:56,320 --> 00:19:58,400
Or who?
340
00:19:58,400 --> 00:20:00,320
That makes no sense.
341
00:20:00,320 --> 00:20:02,520
I know.
342
00:20:02,520 --> 00:20:05,440
# The sun'll come out, tomorrow!
343
00:20:05,440 --> 00:20:10,360
# Bet your bottom dollar
that tomorrow, there'll be sun! #
344
00:20:12,640 --> 00:20:17,000
Whether at your mates'
or in a court of law, that song
just grabs people's attention.
345
00:20:18,680 --> 00:20:21,200
God. I'm going to have to talk to
him...
346
00:20:21,200 --> 00:20:23,040
But I've brought you a...
347
00:20:25,760 --> 00:20:28,720
You know my mum and dad's grave?
Yeah.
348
00:20:28,720 --> 00:20:32,920
Well, I went to my mum and said
I will go in the family grave.
349
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,640
Yeah? And she said...
350
00:20:34,640 --> 00:20:39,040
she said that after everyone else
dies there'll be no room for me.
351
00:20:39,040 --> 00:20:42,080
Basically,
they don't want me in there.
352
00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:44,640
Have you thought of
being stuffed and mounted?
353
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,360
Not since grammar school.
354
00:20:47,360 --> 00:20:55,080
Listen, I've been thinking about it
and have you ever heard of a little
thing we like to call cryogenics?
355
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,440
Those exercises with little actions?
356
00:20:55,080 --> 00:20:58,440
No, that's callisthenics.
357
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:01,840
Is it something to do with the
study of movements? That's kinetics.
358
00:21:01,840 --> 00:21:06,400
Is it one of those
tiny little spherical things
that you use in cookery?
359
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,720
That's a pea.
360
00:21:10,480 --> 00:21:15,200
People just don't know what's good
for them. They need to listen to me.
361
00:21:15,200 --> 00:21:19,160
The needy, the desperate,
the Michelles.
362
00:21:19,160 --> 00:21:24,240
OK. Claire, look, basically, you're
incredibly bad at giving advice.
363
00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:26,360
But I've not been out for days.
364
00:21:26,360 --> 00:21:30,040
I've not even had beer and that's
like a breakfast drink for me.
365
00:21:30,040 --> 00:21:34,480
And it meant I could see everything
so clearly. What's in this stuff?
366
00:21:34,480 --> 00:21:36,520
It's a herbal remedy.
367
00:21:36,520 --> 00:21:38,120
To reduce swelling.
368
00:21:38,120 --> 00:21:41,440
I drink it when...I bulge.
369
00:21:41,440 --> 00:21:43,440
It tastes exactly like Pernod.
370
00:21:43,440 --> 00:21:46,240
Yes, yes, it does a little.
371
00:21:46,240 --> 00:21:52,360
It's the aniseed. Aniseed has been
found in nature to bring down
the level of your...blood...goats.
372
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,720
Blood goats?
373
00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:57,440
Yes. It's a nutrition thing,
you won't have heard of it.
374
00:21:57,440 --> 00:22:00,560
Come on. Drink up. What?
Another one?
375
00:22:00,560 --> 00:22:02,680
I'm feeling a bit dizzy.
376
00:22:02,680 --> 00:22:05,160
And you're looking
ever so attractive to me.
377
00:22:07,120 --> 00:22:09,600
Well, that's quite
a common side affect.
378
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:12,680
Along with nausea and cravings
for cheap meat within a bun.
379
00:22:12,680 --> 00:22:14,560
I'd love a Zinger burger.
380
00:22:14,560 --> 00:22:17,200
It's working! Um, Claire...
381
00:22:17,200 --> 00:22:20,400
I'm meeting Dean tonight and
he's going to tell me he loves me.
382
00:22:20,400 --> 00:22:22,280
Thing is, I don't love him.
383
00:22:22,280 --> 00:22:25,440
Can you...?
Can you offer me any advice?
384
00:22:25,440 --> 00:22:26,760
Claire?
385
00:22:26,760 --> 00:22:29,760
Do what you like, I want to wee.
386
00:22:30,880 --> 00:22:32,320
Excellent.
387
00:22:39,560 --> 00:22:41,800
Hey, Michelle.
388
00:22:42,840 --> 00:22:44,800
Here!
389
00:22:45,840 --> 00:22:48,600
These are lovely. And spikey.
390
00:22:48,600 --> 00:22:52,080
Michelle, there's something I
need to tell you... It's OK, Dean.
391
00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:56,520
You don't have to say anything.
I was stupid to say what I said
so early in the relationship and...
392
00:22:56,520 --> 00:22:58,280
I love you.
393
00:22:58,280 --> 00:23:01,360
Wow, that was really easy.
394
00:23:01,360 --> 00:23:05,800
I love you, I love you,
I love you, I love you. I...
395
00:23:05,800 --> 00:23:08,680
That's enough, Natasha Bedingfield.
396
00:23:09,720 --> 00:23:11,920
Michelle, look...
397
00:23:12,920 --> 00:23:14,640
I love you.
398
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:18,280
All right. That's what
I came to say, I've said it.
399
00:23:18,280 --> 00:23:21,720
But, Dean... I love you...
I'm not sure if I love you.
400
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:28,320
I'm so sorry. I said it because,
well we were saying goodbye
and it just fell out of my mouth.
401
00:23:28,320 --> 00:23:32,160
It didn't mean anything and it's
far too soon to be talking like that.
402
00:23:32,160 --> 00:23:34,480
Oh, God and now you love me and...
403
00:23:36,800 --> 00:23:39,920
I don't love you. What?
404
00:23:39,920 --> 00:23:42,200
I was...
405
00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:45,040
thinking of
Conan the Barbarian the whole time.
406
00:23:46,920 --> 00:23:50,080
Don't use that excuse
if you ever cheat on me.
407
00:23:50,080 --> 00:23:52,880
I just thought I'd lose you
if I didn't say it.
408
00:23:52,880 --> 00:23:55,360
And I don't want to lose you.
409
00:23:55,360 --> 00:23:58,400
But love?
That's, that's like deep.
410
00:23:58,400 --> 00:24:01,000
And, if I do say it,
I want to be completely sure.
411
00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,520
OK.
412
00:24:02,520 --> 00:24:06,200
So, I don't love you very much.
413
00:24:06,200 --> 00:24:09,160
I don't love you passionately.
414
00:24:10,080 --> 00:24:12,640
Then we're cool? Yeah.
415
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,920
But if it's any consolation,
I've already named our children.
416
00:24:21,720 --> 00:24:25,800
Thomas, Elijah, Katie and Joseph.
417
00:24:25,800 --> 00:24:28,600
Hiya. Hiya.
418
00:24:28,600 --> 00:24:30,200
What have you got there?
419
00:24:30,200 --> 00:24:33,880
It is...
FANFARE: It's my grave.
420
00:24:35,720 --> 00:24:40,160
Remember I was talking about
cryogenics?
Oh, yeah. The study of peas.
421
00:24:40,160 --> 00:24:45,800
No, cryogenics is where they freeze
your dead head, then when they've
found a cure for whatever killed you
422
00:24:45,800 --> 00:24:49,000
they thaw you out in the sink.
And you're alive again!
423
00:24:49,000 --> 00:24:51,320
Like sea monkeys!
424
00:24:51,320 --> 00:24:53,280
So what's with the fish tank?
425
00:24:53,280 --> 00:24:57,200
That's where I'm going to live.
Right here. I was thinking...
426
00:24:58,960 --> 00:25:01,600
..on top of the telly.
427
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:06,360
So we'd have your head,
428
00:25:01,600 --> 00:25:06,360
in a glass box, on top of the telly.
429
00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:10,960
Yeah, all you'd have to do
is connect me up
to a fresh water supply,
430
00:25:10,960 --> 00:25:13,720
throw a few Jaffa Cakes in
now and again...
431
00:25:13,720 --> 00:25:15,440
And...
432
00:25:16,960 --> 00:25:18,880
Ta da!
433
00:25:18,880 --> 00:25:21,560
Grant tank!
434
00:25:23,440 --> 00:25:25,280
That's horrific.
435
00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,720
You'd be watching me...
436
00:25:27,720 --> 00:25:30,960
naked, you'd see my shame.
437
00:25:30,960 --> 00:25:34,040
I can assure you I wouldn't.
438
00:25:34,040 --> 00:25:37,240
Hi, Grant. Hi, stupid. Hiya.
439
00:25:37,240 --> 00:25:38,760
What the hell is that?!
440
00:25:38,760 --> 00:25:40,840
It's my grave.
441
00:25:40,840 --> 00:25:44,280
I'm being frozen. Like peas!
442
00:25:44,280 --> 00:25:48,320
And I wondered whether you'd be
kind enough to keep my head here.
443
00:25:48,320 --> 00:25:51,560
Just until they've found
a cure for whatever killed me.
444
00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:56,880
What if you were killed by getting
your head caught in a blender? Then
you have my permission to make pate.
445
00:25:56,880 --> 00:26:00,800
I'm not having your head in a
box sitting on top of my telly.
446
00:26:00,800 --> 00:26:03,480
You'd be watching everything I did.
447
00:26:03,480 --> 00:26:05,240
Naked. Oh!
448
00:26:05,240 --> 00:26:07,480
You'd see my shame.
449
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:10,920
I can assure you I would.
450
00:26:10,920 --> 00:26:13,840
And I'd never be able to get
to sleep in here with that.
451
00:26:13,840 --> 00:26:16,560
I'd have to go sleep in me room.
452
00:26:16,560 --> 00:26:18,320
Dead Grant stays, Mike.
453
00:26:23,840 --> 00:26:26,880
I'm going to text Dean.
454
00:26:26,880 --> 00:26:31,960
Just to bid him goodnight,
no mushy stuff,
just one solitary kiss on the end.
455
00:26:31,960 --> 00:26:37,960
Oh, I've got a message. Oh, Mum says
to pick your washing up, and to
make sure I'm feeding you properly.
456
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:42,480
Will do. Michelle, dress us a crab.
457
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:46,360
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobw
458
00:26:42,480 --> 00:26:46,360
llllantysiliogogogoch! OK.
459
00:26:49,600 --> 00:26:52,760
Good morrow, Dean.
460
00:26:52,760 --> 00:26:56,360
And X. Mm, no that's a bit cold.
461
00:26:58,560 --> 00:27:02,440
"Night-night
you sexy, gorgeous thing".
462
00:27:02,440 --> 00:27:08,680
Mmm, "I wish you were here
now so I could mmmn your mmmm
463
00:27:08,680 --> 00:27:13,400
"and make you humnnn on my hummmn."
464
00:27:13,400 --> 00:27:16,440
And one solitary kiss! Send.
465
00:27:16,440 --> 00:27:18,760
Oh, no! Mum!
466
00:27:25,040 --> 00:27:31,120
Ello, dis eez some foreign person,
I have stolen dees phone.
467
00:27:31,120 --> 00:27:33,360
Ignore dees texts you be sent...
468
00:27:33,360 --> 00:27:35,480
Yes, Mum it's me, I'm so sorry.
469
00:27:37,320 --> 00:27:41,040
ON TV: 'Now on Sign Zone, Strictly
Come Dancing with Natasha Kaplinksy.'
470
00:27:41,040 --> 00:27:44,400
Aaagh! Oh, God! She's everywhere!
471
00:27:45,920 --> 00:27:47,560
AAAGHHHH!
60220
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