All language subtitles for Ball.of.Fire.1941.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP.2.0.H.264-OnlyWeb

♪♪

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(DOG BARKING)

(WHISTLING)

Make the same.
It's good for you.

Spring air.

The way you're gulping it up,
there won't be enough left
to go around.

Isn't it very hot
for so early in April,
Dr. Gurkakoff?

I'm not surprised.

This recent bombardment
by ions from the sun.

You see, temperature is due
to the quantity
of molecular...

Hey, hey. Stop, stop,

if you don't
want me to retaliate

by reciting all
the tributary branches
of the Amazon.

Incredible that
only last week

we were drawing lots
for our hot water bottle.

Observe the forsythia
or golden bell.

I never knew it
to bloom so early.

(BELLS RINGING)

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

It's 8:46, gentlemen.

Oh, Potts.

Just once more
around the park.

Before we go back
to our mausoleum.

I saw a scarlet tanager

which must have flown
all the way from Florida
just to enjoy it.

1,500 miles.
Yes.

Our constitutional
has taken up too
much time already.

We're working
under pressure.

After nine years
of effort we are,

as the race track
enthusiast might say,

in the home stretch.

Three more years
and our encyclopedia
will be finished.

Let's not bog down
in the middle of
the letter "S."

PROFESSOR: All right.
All right. That's done it.

It's now 8:49, gentlemen.

I, for one,
am going back to work.

Teacher's pet!

Bertram Potts,
the incorruptible.

The eternal no-no man.

Back home.
Back home.

Oh, well,
it may be raining
this afternoon, anyway.

(WHISTLING)

Good morning,
Miss Bragg.

Good morning,
Miss Bragg.

Good morning,
Miss Bragg.

Good morning,
Professor.

Good morning,
Miss Bragg.

Good morning.

Good morning,
Miss Bragg.

Good morning,
Professor.

Gentlemen,
before you get down to work,
I have got something to say.

One of you made off with
a jar of strawberry preserves

from my pantry last night.

I located the empty
jar on the shelf behind

The Decline and Fall
of the Roman Empire.

That seems to
indicate our historian,
Professor Peagram.

I did no such thing,
Miss Bragg.

I'm not accusing anybody,

but until it's
cleared up,

I think
we'll dispense
with jam for breakfast.

Miss Bragg.

Yes, Professor Oddly.

I am the one.

I was writing
about strawberries

when suddenly I got
a horrible craving.

A crime confessed
is half atoned.

Miss Bragg. Miss Bragg.

I--I--I had
some material here.

What--What--What
happened to it?

What happened?

I blushed for my duster
when I did your desk.

You'll find everything
in the middle drawer,
face down.

I'm just starting
my article on sex,
Miss Bragg. Any objections?

No, I trust you have
more control of yourself
than Professor Oddly.

Professor Gurkakoff,
your window shade again.

Yes, Miss Bragg.

It's a crime
to carelessly
expose this good carpet.

You've just committed
a more serious crime,
Miss Bragg.

You have split an infinitive.

Never "to carelessly expose."
Always "to expose carelessly."

I'm not here
to juggle words.

It's my job
to conscientiously
see that this house...

Whoa, you've just split
another one, Miss Bragg.

Oh, oh.
Professor...

Here's whatchamacallit.
Who?

The lawyer for the Foundation.

And Miss Totten's with him.

And this place looking
like a flicker's nest.

Yes, we're in for our
semi-annual wigging,
I suppose.

You'd better put
your coat on, Potts.
POTTS: Why? What...

Better fix your tie.

Fix your hair,
fix your hair.

Say,
what is all
this nonsense?

GURKAKOFF: This nonsense
is Miss Totten.

JEROME: And will you
please smile at her?

Say, this is all
very undignified.

If you think
you're being funny, I...
Shh!

Morning, gentlemen.

ALL: Good morning.

Won't you sit here,
Miss Totten?

It's a very nice morning,
Miss Totten.

Would you like to speak,
Miss Totten,
or shall I?

You, please, Mr. Larsen.

I'll make this as
brief as possible,
gentlemen.

To date,
$283,000 have been expended
in writing this encyclopedia.

You all realize that
Miss Totten's father,
the late Daniel S. Totten,

left only a quarter
of a million dollars
for this project.

Every additional
penny will have to come

from Miss Totten's
own pocket.

We would like a frank estimate
of how much longer
you will take.

Maybe three years,
maybe four.

It cannot be.
It just cannot be.

Oh, my dear Miss Totten,

you wouldn't discontinue
your father's great gesture

towards human enlightenment?

"Human enlightenment."
What nonsense,
Professor Jerome.

Papa had just one
reason for ever starting
this unfortunate enterprise.

Vanity.

He broke a blood vessel
because he found
his name was omitted

from
the Encyclopedia Britannica.

Because 30 pages were devoted
to Thomas Alva Edison,

17 to Alexander Graham Bell,

but not one line
to Daniel S. Totten,

the inventor of
the electric toaster.

In our encyclopedia,

Mr. Totten shall receive
an appropriate
amount of space.

PROFESSORS:
Yes, of course.
Oh, yes, yes.

Three quarters of a page,
I should think.

Three quarters of a page?

That's all he deserves.
Is it?

You may go on, Mr. Larsen.

All we ask is
that you bring
this thing to a close

somehow or the other.

Get on with it.
Slap it together.

Mr. Larsen,
may I have a word?

Hello, Professor Potts.

Hello, Miss Totten.

Mr. Larsen, you said,
"Slap it together."

We're not
the slapping together kind.

We have started
an encyclopedia,

and we shall finish it
as thoroughly as
is humanly possible.

Another $100,000?

If necessary, yes.

If our work goes slowly
it's because the world,
it goes so fast.

Take Professor Jerome,
our geographer.

He has to
rewrite all the time.

And Dr. Magenbruch...
LARSEN:
I'm not interested.

Don't interrupt,
Mr. Larsen.

Go on, Professor.

I'm-- I'm sure it's your
wish that this monument

to your father be finished
as nobly as it was begun.

Uh...

I'm appealing to you,
Miss Totten,

to your vision
and to your heart.

Maybe I'm
a little inarticulate,

but I've always
regarded you as a...

Yes, Professor?

Always regarded you as a...

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, Professor.

You know what I mean,
Miss Totten.

Yes.

I warn you, Miss Totten,
another four years
of this, with...

After all,
it was Father's wish.

But, gentlemen,
you will hurry

and finish
the encyclopedia,
won't you?

ALL: We will.
Yes, yes, indeed.

Uh...

Last year,
when all the other professors
came to my musical,

where were you,
Professor Potts?

Uh, uh, sinus.
But I shall be there
this year.

I shall look forward
to seeing you again.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

ALL: Goodbye, madam.
Good day.

(MUTTERING EXCITEDLY)

That maneuver down my spine
was very unnecessary.

Was it, my dear Potts?

Didn't it work?

MAN: Hi.

I hope you don't mind.

I came through the kitchen.

POTTS: Who are you?

I'm the garbage man.

I want to find out something
about Cleopatra.

Cleopatra?
Yeah.

This is some kind of
a library or school,
isn't it?

Neither, we are
writing an encyclopedia.

Icyclo-what?

An encyclopedia.

A work which
endeavors to compile

and catalog all
human knowledge.

Say, that's just what I need.

MISS BRAGG: Young man,
did you come
through my kitchen?

That's right, sister.
I'm not your sister,
and you get out.

Oh, now...

Miss Bragg.

Please, Miss Bragg,
we find this
intensely interesting.

Go on, please.

You can't tell me
he's not infested
with germs.

Then go and get
your gas mask.

Now, shoo, scat, skedaddle.

Please, won't you
take a seat?

Thanks, bo.

I seen all these books
through the window,

and I figured
that maybe you
can help me out.

In what way, young man?

With this quizzola
they got on the radio.

This what?
Quizzola?

Korn Krunchies Quiz-Quiz.

Send in 100 box covers,
and you stand to
make a little dough.

Well, with my opportunities,
I got about 3,000
box covers together.

Only some of the answers
you have to send
in to the questions.

You know, like true or false.

(STUTTERING)
You have
those questions here?

Yeah, sure.

Well, that's
very interesting.

"Question one.
Cleopatra died...

"A. From swallowing a needle.

"B. From snake bite.

"C. From hiccups."

That's my province.
I cover history.

The correct answer is "B."

Cleopatra, queen of Egypt,
daughter of
Ptolemy XIII, born 69 BC,

killed herself
on the 29th day
of August, 30 BC,

by placing
an asp to her bosom.

A what?

An asp.

A small snake.

Well, patch my pantywaist.

Well, well, next.

"Which way would you say it?

"Two and two is five.

"Two and two are five.

"Two and two makes five."

Professor Potts
covers English.

Did you hear
the question, Potts?

I did.

As the verb
is always
governed by the subject,

the correct answer is,
"Two and two are five."

Potts.

Oh, no, Potts.

Correct for
a grammarian perhaps,
but not for a mathematician.

Two and two are four.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

That's a good one.

Nobody's gonna get that.

Well, I certainly am obliged.

I could use a bundle
of scratch right now

on account of I met
me a mouse last week.

Mouse?
What a pair of gams.

A little in, a little out,
and a little more out...

I am still
completely mystified.

Well, with this dish
on me hands

and them giving
away 25 smackaroos
on that quizzola.

Smackaroos?

Smackaroos?
What are smackaroos?

A smackaroo is a...

No such word exists.

Oh, it don't, huh?
A smackaroo is a dollar, pal.

Well, the accepted vulgarism
for a dollar is a buck.

The accepted vulgarism
for a smackaroo is a dollar.

That goes for a banger,
a fish, a buck or a rug.

Well, what about the mouse?

The mouse is the dish.

That's what I
need the moolah for.

Moolah?
Yeah, the dough.

We'll be stepping.
Me and this smooch...
l mean, the dish,

I mean, the mouse. You know,
hit the jiggles for
a little rum boogie.

Please, please,
not so fast.

Brother, we're going to have
some hoytoytoy.

PROFESSORS: Hoytoytoy?

Yeah, and if you
want that one explained,
you go ask your papas.

(HORN HONKING)

That's Archie.
His water's getting hot.

Well, thanks again, gents.

And if you ever
want to get into
a contest sometime,

just call on me.

Maybe you've got the brains,
but I got the box covers.

PROFESSORS: Goodbye.

Goodbye, come again.

Well, kind of
a breezy fellow, isn't he?

(MUMBLING IN AGREEMENT)

He seems a most
likeable gentleman.

Yes.

And I'm an idiot.

Idiot? Why?
Why?

Miss Bragg. Miss Bragg!

What's the matter, Potts?
Well, what's...

I'm going out.

PROFESSORS: Going out?

What's your prognosis
on the weather, Gurkakoff?

Light showers toward
the evening, but...

MISS BRAGG: Yes,
Professor Potts?

Miss Bragg,
my hat and my mackintosh.

And put my luncheon sandwich
in the pocket.

But...
Immediately.

Yes, sir.
What's happened?

What do you mean
you're going out, Potts?

Where are you going?

Research.

Research? What research?

The garbage man.
Didn't you hear him?

PROFESSORS: Yes.

Well, I didn't quite
understand all he said.

Nor did I. And it's
catastrophic, gentlemen,
catastrophic.

PROFESSORS:
Why? How so?

I've just finished
my article on slang.

Twenty-three pages compiled
from a dozen reference books.

Eight hundred examples.
Well?

Everything
from the idiotic
combination "absotively"

to the pejorative
use of "zigzag."

I traced
the evolution of "hunky dory,"

tracked down
"skiddo" from "skedaddle."

Eight hundred
examples and I may as well
throw it in the waste basket.

Three weeks' work.

PROFESSOR:
Potts, you're hysterical.

Outmoded.

Based on reference
books 20 years old.

Take "smooch."
Take "dish." Take...

Hoytoytoy?
Hoytoytoy.
Not one of them included.

Living in this house
cut off from the world,
I've lost touch.

And it's inexcusable.

That man talked
a living language.

I embalmed some dead phrases.

But where are you going?

Out to collect new data,

to tap the sources of slang,
the major sources.

The streets. The slums.

The theatrical and
allied professions.

Oh, now, Potts,
don't you think that...

I know it's regrettable,
this loss of time, gentlemen,

but it must be done.

Leave the key
under the mat.

I won't be home
before 9:00.

Yes, sir.

I'm writing about
the planet Saturn.

Do I insist on going
to the planet Saturn?

(PROFESSORS CHUCKLING)

Maybe my data on sex
is a little outdated, too.

Just a moment, please.

Do you mind if I
ride along with you?

Hop on, buddy.

Extra! Extra!

Nab Benny the Creep
in cement killing!

Read all about it.

Corpse's dogs
dunked into cement.

Extra! Extra!

Ice-pick killing!

Link Benny
the Creep with Big Tom!

Extra! Extra!

Seek man behind the man
behind the murder ring!

Extra! Extra!

Hey, what are you,
checking up on
me or something?

Four words, blitz it, mister.

Blitz it, will you?
You give me the mimis.

"Mimis"?

Yeah, the screaming mimis.

Extremely picturesque.

Young man,
could I interest you
in a research project

in which you
could be very helpful?

And what you promoting?

Some kind of reform school?

If you would
come to this address
at 9:30 tomorrow morning,

you'd be doing
society a definite service.

Who are you anyway?
Father Flanagan?

(INAUDIBLE)

(ALL CHEERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(BIG BAND PLAYING SWING MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE ALL APPLAUDING)

♪ Boogie!

♪ Hear the rhythm rompin'

♪ Boogie!

♪ You see the drummer stompin'

♪ Drum boogie
Drum boogie

♪ Boogie!

♪ It really is a killer

♪ Drum boogie
Drum boogie

♪ The Drum Boogie Woogie

♪ Boogie!

♪ The rhythm ought to bend you

♪ Boogie!

♪ It's really gonna send you

♪ Drum boogie
Drum boogie

♪ Boogie!

♪ It really is a killer

♪ Drum boogie
Drum boogie

♪ The Drum Boogie Woogie

♪ Boogie!

♪ You hear the piano rompin'

♪ See the drummer stompin'

♪ Drum boogie
Drum boogie

♪ Drum Boogie!

♪ The cats a killer diller

♪ Drum boogie
Drum boogie

♪ The Drum Boogie Woogie

Come on,
Krup, knock yourself out.

♪ Boogie

(MUSICIANS SCATTING)

♪ Boogie

♪ Now, Mr. K.
keep on a-drivin'

♪ Just gently jam the jive in

♪ Drum Boogie
The cat is rockin'
with a solid eight

♪ I tell you
it's murder

♪ The joint is jumpin'
with a drum boogie

♪ Drum Boogie

♪ Drum Boogie Woogie
Yeah! ♪

Three, four, five,

six, seven, eight,

nine, ten, eleven,

12, 13, 14.

♪ Aw, Boogie!

Yeah!

Young man,
what is
the name of that song?

Boogie.

What does "boogie" mean?

Are you kidding?

MAN: More! More!

WOMAN: Yeah!

Okay, what do you want,
hep cats?

AUDIENCE: More of the same.

Same thing?
AUDIENCE: Yeah.

Okay, we'll mix it up
a little.

Come on down, Krup.

You're gonna have to be
awful quiet on this.

I'm gonna need a little help,
okay, squitters?

CROWD MEMBER:
All right.
All right.

I want this chair,
and we'll clean
off the table.

A little juice
down here, junior.

What's cooking, Sugar?

Match boogie, Krup.
How about it?

Want match boogie?
You'll get it.
Where's some matches?

I have some
right here.

You two go with me,

and the rest of
you take boogie

with you on the orchestra,
right?

CROWD: Right. Okay.

Here we go,
Krup, like buster's gang.

Very quiet. One, two.

(WHISPERING)
♪ Boogie

(EVERYONE HUMMING)

♪ Boogie

♪ Drum Boogie
Drum Boogie

♪ Boogie

♪ Drum Boogie
Drum Boogie

♪ The Drum Boogie Woogie

Boogie.

Now, one,

two,

three, four.

♪ Boogie

One, two,

three, four.

♪ Drum Boogie
Drum Boogie

♪ Drum Boogie
Drum Boogie

♪ Drum Boogie Woogie

Shh.

♪ Drum Boogie Woogie

♪ Drum Boogie Woogie

ALL: Yeah!

Young man,
what is the name
of that young lady?

Sugarpuss O'Shea.

An astounding specimen.

She jives by night,
root, zoot and cute
and solid to boot.

Are you kidding?

No.

Come on, Sugar, quick.
Yeah, quick is right.

What's the fever?

Listen, Sugie,
you gotta take it
on the lam.

Yeah,
they're looking for you.
Who?

The District
Attorney's office.
Why?

You've got to get
dressed and out of here

before they slap
a subpoena on you.

A subpoena?
Shh!

Come on, we'll talk about it
in the dressing room.

Well, why can't you
tell me now?

What is all this
subpoena business?

On account of
Benny the Creep
had an accident.

I never heard of
Benny the Creep.
Who's he?

One of the boys.
He was on kind of an errand

when he grazed
into a police car,
that dope.

And for that I've
got to hide out?

That don't make sense,
Pastrami.

No, you see,
when the bulls
gave Benny a ticket,

they saw Kinnick in
the back of the car.

Dead.
In the accident?

That's what Benny was
trying to tell them.

Only they saw Kinnick's feet.

They was in
a cake of cement.

Benny was gonna dump him
in the East River.

That was the errand.

What is all this?
Where do I come...

Wait a second.

Is Joe Lilac
mixed up in this?

The DA had him picked up
about a half hour ago.

That's why we're here.

That's why you
got to beat it.

Joe Lilac mixed
up in a murder?
Yeah.

I don't believe it,
not for a second.

He was framed,
Sugie, honest he was,
may I drop down dead.

Wasn't he, Asthma?

And there was them
pajamas they found.

Pajamas?
Yeah, that's where you
come in.

Remember the dozen pink ones
you gave to
the boss last Christmas?

Before you knew
that the only color
Joe Lilac wears is lilac?

Yeah.
So we handed them
out to the boys.

And in the suitcase
right beside

Benny the Creep
when he gets caught

is a pair with
that big JL monogram.

SUGARPUSS: Who is it?

I'd like to
speak to Miss O'Shea

regarding
an investigation
I'm conducting.

Okay, we'll take
care of it.

Just a minute.

How do you do,
Miss O'Shea?

Hello.

I hate to intrude like this,
but mine is a very...

Cut the corners.
What is it?

Well, this inquiry
is one of
considerable importance.

Stop beating up
with the gums.

What was that?

Get this. I don't know
from nothing.

Oh, but you do.

Every word you
say proves as much.

Where's that paper?

Subpoena?

Suppose you tell the DA
to take a nice
running jump for himself?

Bewildering.
And you want to tell me

you're not the person
I'm looking for?

Say, how many of
you are on this job?

The entire project?
Eight.

Oh. The other seven
waiting outside?

Oh, no.
They're at home.

Sound asleep I imagine.

Asleep?

Yes, they go to bed
at 9:00 every night.

Do you mean to tell me
with crime what it
is in New York...

Say, are you a bull
or aren't you?

Well, if bull is
the slang word for professor,
then I'm a bull.

A professor?

Of English.
Oh.

I thought
there was some
misunderstanding.

Sure was.

You see, I'm conducting
an investigation
on current slang.

Would you object
if I used you
for observation and study?

Yeah, I would.
If I could have
your assistance

for just a few
days it would be...

Out, out, Professor.

Then you won't help me?

No. Out.
Shove in your clutch.

"Shove in your clutch."
Exactly the kind
of thing I want.

Perhaps if I could
come back here again
when you have more time...

Save the gas. I won't
be here after tonight.

Well, look,
here's the address
of the Foundation

if you should happen
to change your
mind by any chance.

It's my residence, as well.

Listen, not now.

Well, I'll just leave it here.

Okay, scrow, scram, scraw.

The complete conjugation.

All right, I'II scraw.

Stop futzing around.

You haven't got
time to get dressed.

All right. Only I...
PASTRAMI: We'll go out
the window.

I think you're
a pair of cracked dice.

Excuse me.

DANCER:
Oh, look out, mister.

Good night.

Miss O'Shea.

What do you want?

Right there.

Open up.
District Attorney's
office.

CAB DRIVER: Where to?

Just keep cruising, Jack.

Well?
How about that
warehouse on West 11th?

No. Too many rats.
Hey, wait a minute.

Where are you taking me?

Oh, it's just
for the night, Sugarpuss.

We can't take
you to your place,
they'll have it covered.

Joe's apartment,
they got sealed up
like a can of coffee.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, but you live
someplace, don't you?

Yeah, sure and the cops
know where.

Yeah, hotel,
I thought of a hotel,

but they'll fan
every hotel in town.

Well, I could
change my name.

Listen, Sugie,
why take chances?

It's an awful nice warehouse.

He says rats, big mouth does.

Well, maybe a few
little bitty mice.

Uh-uh. That's out.

Tomorrow we'll
get hold of a lawyer

and figure out
something with more class.

(SCOFFING)

Say, I got an uncle
who's an undertaker

and with business
like it is, he's always
got an extra slab.

That's fine.
That's all I need.
No, no.

Keep thinking.

Hey, what's this?

"Bertram Potts..."
Oh, that's
that professor jerk.

(SCOFFING)

Uh-oh.

I never would
have believed it.

But how do you
account for the name?

Have I missed anything?

No, I was just
about to explain...

You see, the word
"puss" means face.
Yes.

As for instance,
sourpuss, picklepuss.

Sugarpuss implies
a certain sweetness
in her appearance.

Sugar, yes, yes.
Yes.

Never mind the etymology.

Was she...
Was she blonde
or brunette?

Yes, which?

That, I don't know.
I didn't notice.
Oh.

But her vocabulary,
even in ordinary
conversation...

Oh, you spoke
to her?

Yes, in her dressing room...

In her
dressing room?

Backstage?
Yes.

(ALL WHISTLING)

Unfortunately,
she disclaimed any
interest in our project

in words so bizarre
they made my mouth water.

"Shove in your clutch,"
for instance.

Why, it's amazing.

Potts, could you tell us
what was it like backstage?

Very vivacious,
I imagine.

And perhaps,
ballerinas giggling
up and down iron staircases.

Around and around.

Possibly wearing tights.

Tights.

And that ineffable
smell of rice powder.

On nude shoulders.

Well.

It's getting
a bit late, gentlemen.

Perhaps we had
better get to bed.

(MURMURING)

Someday, I'll tell you
my experiences

with a young actress
named Lillian Russell.

Did you know her?

I stood in the snow
four hours to get to...

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Is that our doorbell?

But it's 12:25.

It must be the statistics
on San Salvador's saltpeter.

I'll get it.

I asked for it to be
sent registered airmail.

Hi-de-ho.

Don't tell me
I'm too late for class,
Professor.

Oh, my goodness gracious.

Say, what is that?

Those are my colleagues.
Oh.

I apologize for
their lack of costume.

Oh, that's all right,
Professor.

And the fact
that I haven't
got my tie on and...

Oh, you know,
once I watched my
big brother shave.

Won't you come in?

Why not?

Frankly, your coming here
was the last thing
I expected.

Your "no" was so explicit.

Well, I got thinking it over

and "Foo," I said to myself,
"Who am I to give
science the brush?"

Then I take it
you've reconsidered?

Yeah, that's
the big idea.

Well.

Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

Look out.

Well, that was
Professor Oddly.

Any more of them around?

I hope not.

Say, who decorated
this place?

The mug that shot Lincoln?

This is our work room.
Oh.

The living quarters
are upstairs.

Whee, that's a lot of books.
All of them different?

I trust.
Uh-huh.

May I have your coat?

Yeah, thanks.

Miss O'Shea.

Oh, Greek philosophy,
I've got a set like
this with a radio inside.

Are--Are you sure you
don't want your coat?

No, I'm fine.
Except I've got a run
in this stocking.

Well, how do
we start, Professor?

You see,
this is the first time
anybody moved in on my brain.

Have you got some
kind of a machine,

an X-ray or
a vacuum cleaner maybe

that sorts out
the words you want?

What's your method,
Professor?

Well, i-it's quite simple.
If you will be here

tomorrow morning
not later than 9:30...

Tomorrow morning?

Why, yes.
I have arranged
a round table discussion

with a few people of
various backgrounds.

Uh-huh. You, uh...

You don't think
we could sort of begin
the Beguine right now?

Well, it's nearly 1:00,
Miss O'Shea.

Oh, foo, Professor,
let's get ourselves
a couple of drinks,

light the fire maybe,
and you can start
working on me right away.

Well, I wouldn't think
of imposing upon you
at this hour.

Listen, I figured
on working all night.

Well, any hasty
random discussion

would be
of no scientific value.

You see,
I have to have my notes
thoroughly prepared

for the seminar tomorrow.

Mmm-hmm.

Okay. Where do I sleep?

I--I don't know.
Where do you live?

Up on Riverside.
But I'm going to
sleep here.

Here?

You don't understand,
Miss O'Shea.

We're all bachelors
with the exception
of Professor Oddly,

who is a widower.

Why, no woman ever...

Even Miss Bragg
who takes care
of our needs

goes home every
night at 7:30.

If you want me
tomorrow morning
at 9:30, you...

Oh, I do, Miss O'Shea.

But, uh...

Even the most
free-thinking people
must respect the, uh...

All right, feel that.

Go on. Feel that foot.

Okay, tootsie bell,
what do you say?

It's cold.

It's cold
and it's wet.

Now, come here.

Come here.

Closer.

Closer.

Oh, come on, give.

Hello, kids.
Look down my throat.

Go on. Look down.

All right,
right down there, look.

I--I don't know
what to look for.

There is possibly
a slight rosiness
in the laryngeal region.

Slight rosiness?

It's as red as
the Daily Worker
and just as sore.

Who are you?
I'm...

Who is he?

This is Dr. Magenbruch,
our physiological expert.
Oh.

This is
Professor Robinson, law.

Professor Gurkakoff...

Ah, ah, ah, not so fast.
Just let it creep up on me.

I'll get to know them.

Come here, physiology.

For all I know,
I've got a fever. Feel.

It's possible.
Certainly.

And he wants to
throw me out on my tin.

(ALL GROANING)

There'll be no 9:30 for me
if you let me go
out in the rain now.

Naturally not.

With the streets cold
and the subway hot
and full of germs.

Ho, ho, I'm a push-over
for streptococcus.

Can I have this now, kid?

Pardon me.

POTTS: We'll call you
a heated taxi and furnish you

with woolen socks
and warm slippers.

(ALL GRUMBLING)
How do you like that?

Really, I don't
understand you, Potts.

Why take chances?

With valuable material?

You must think of
your article, Potts.

See, they get the point.

If I might
venture a suggestion,

why couldn't the young lady
sleep in my room?

What?
What?

Well!

Professor Peagram!

Oh, uh, I--I can bunk in with
Professor Robinson.

I sometimes do
when there's
an electric storm.

Yes, he's afraid
of thunder.

Well, then
it's all settled.

Well, I guess I'll turn in.

Can I have my coat?

Of course.

Thank you.

Hi-de-ho, fellows.

PROFESSORS: Hi-de-ho.

I'll show you to my room.

Yes, we all will go.

I know where my own
room is, thank you,

without any help from you.

(SHUSHING)
PROFESSORS: Why shouldn't...
Why shouldn't...

I'll find it. Don't bother.

Just rough out the directions.

Top of the stairs
and the third
door on the left.

POTTS: Gentlemen,
just a moment, please.

Gentlemen, this is all
highly irregular.

What if this should come
to the attention
of the Foundation?

And what about
Miss Bragg tomorrow?

What are you talking about?

This is research, isn't it?

Yes.
Certainly.

Who was that guy
learned so much
from watching an apple drop?

Isaac Newton, 1642 to 1727.

The law of gravity.

Yeah, that's him.

And I want you to look at me
as another apple,
Professor Potts.

Just another apple.

It fits you like a glove,
you admit that, don't you?

I like a little
more effect around
the shoulders,

sort of a puffed sleeve.

You know that JL
could be Joe Lilac.

Could be.

Still claim
it isn't yours?

No, it isn't and never was.

Come on, loosen up, Joe.

It's 5:00 in the morning.

How's about
a little Benzedrine?

Put it on
Benny the Creep.

Sure.

Take off your coat.

I should have
brought along my valet.

I'm a sucker for comfort.

Why, don't worry, Joe.

You'll have your comfort.

We'll have platinum
bars on your cell,

and we'll heat up
a chair for you, special.

20 thousand volts.

AC or DC?

So those are
your pajamas, huh?

Yep.

You always wear them
three sizes too big?

Allows for
my chest expansion.

And my fingers get
kind of chilly at night.

And the JL?

It stands for jellybean.

It stands for lollipop.

Take him away.
POLICEMAN: Come on.

That's fine. That's great.

You never heard
of Benny the Creep.

Benny the Creep
never heard of you.

There was no murder.
And there is no murder ring

with you at
the control boards
pushing the buttons.

Good morning, Joe.
How are you, McNeary?

Morning, and pardon my glove,
Mr. District Attorney.

Good morning.

All right, I've got
a writ of habeas corpus.

I've forgotten
my reading glasses.

Too bad. Come on, Joe.

May be a couple of days
before I find them.

I won't stand
for my client's...

It's all right, McNeary.

The man's trying to
clean up the city.

Why not give him
all the cooperation we can?

Does that mean
you're going to talk, Joe?

What about?

Well, I'II make
the pajamas talk.

Here's the sales slip
for them.

They were bought
by Miss O'Shea.

She bought them for you.

Or maybe you
never heard of her.

Maybe she isn't
your girlfriend.

Why bring
a lady's name into this?

I'II bring
the lady in herself.

Where do we stand
with that O'Shea girl?

What?

Well, what about
the deputies?

All right, let me
talk to Collins himself.

What about the girl?
Don't worry.

We've got her in safe
deposit temporarily.

Temporarily is
not good enough.

I've got something
figured out.

Nothing gloomy, I hope.

Strictly legal.

A wife can't testify
against her husband.

She's not my wife.
Not yet, she isn't.

But once they let you go,
we'll pull a fastie.

D.A.: Of all
the incompetent...

What sweetheart
dreamed up that law?

Don't give me that.
You've had six hours.

Tell those guys
to get a jump on.

Having some trouble, Mr. DA?

Don't worry, Joe.

And don't
underestimate this office
or the State of New York.

I've got some boys
that can find
a needle in a haystack.

Why, that's a cinch.

All you have to
do is get a horse
to eat the hay

and then X-ray
the horse.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Okay. Okay.

Hold your horses.

PROFESSORS: Good morning.

Good morning.

What time is it?

This is worse than
being in the army.

Professor Potts started
the round table
discussion 10 minutes ago.

He did?
Say, that's divastigating.

And this came for you.

Who brought it?

A couple of persons.

Any message?

Well, they spoke
very picturesquely.
Yeah, very.

Yes, they said
it's getting hot and hotter

and to stay in the icebox
like a good little salad.

And this is the dressing.

The salad, huh?

And we wondered
what it meant.

Yes, we did.

Well, I'll tell you,
sweetie. I...

MISS BRAGG:
Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Miss Bragg.
Oh, my goodness.

Oh, sounds like
Mother calling.

Kids, you better go.

See you later.

Gentlemen,
where are you, gentlemen?

We're coming,
Miss Bragg, we're coming.

On our way.

I would like to talk to you.

I wanted to ask you,

what were all your trousers
doing in my kitchen?

Well, I wanted mine pressed.

Well, that accounts
for one pair.

I did, too.
Mine, too.

Seven pairs,
all at once?

What's going on in
this house anyway?

No constitutional
this morning.

You've hardly
touched your breakfast.

Professor Potts in
the dining room

with a conglomeration
of dubious characters.

You, not at your desks.

That's right,
gentlemen, we have to work.

Yes, we have to work.

What were you
doing upstairs, anyway?

We took up a suitcase.

Suitcase?
Yes.

Whose suitcase?

We're very busy, Miss Bragg.

I said, whose suitcase?

Well, now, Miss Bragg,
there is, uh...

There is someone
staying with us.

Staying with us?

PROFESSOR: That's it.

Who?
Well, I...

Who's staying with us?

What's the matter?
Cat got your tongues?

Who's staying with us?

(VOICE CRACKING)
Well, I... Well, I...
Oh, dear.

Professor Potts
didn't tell you?

No, and I want to know.

Well, under the pressure
of a very trying assignment...

Yes?

He's, uh...

He's, uh,
Go on.

He's taken
a temporary assistant.

ODDLY: Yes.

Oh, so we're running
a hotel now.

Not exactly.

It seems to me that...
Professor Robinson,

is that one of your socks?

No, not mine.

I wish that it...

Well, I know
Professor Peagram
explains the corset he wears

as due to a floating kidney.

What's the explanation
of this?

Say, kids, I'm stuck.

Any of you can jerk a zipper?

A zipper?

Yeah,
the darn thing's stuck...

Hello, who are you?

This is our Miss Bragg.

Miss... Did you say Bag?

Bragg. How do you do?

Great-o.
Do you know
anything about zippers?

Do you? Do you?
Well, I...

Well, do you?
Do I?

No, I don't,
but Professor Gurkakoff.

Okay.

Well, it's purely mechanical.

But look, you were married.

No, I'm just a botanist.

Look, kids, after all,
you know,
this is only a zipper.

Come on, Gurky.

Well, I can try.

You know,
I had this happen one night
in the middle of my act.

I couldn't get a thing off,
was I embarrassed.

How's chances for
a cup of coffee?

No breakfast after 9:00.

You see, it's a rule.

Just like my Aunt Beulah that
brought me up,
that's why I left home.

There.
Oh, swell.

Now where is
this little clambake
of Professor Potts'?

In the dining room,
just across the hall.

In the dining room.
See you later, kids.

Don't tell me
the jive session
has beat off without baby.

Shut the door please,
Miss O'Shea.

You're late.

I won't waste time
with introductions.

These are our collaborators.

Hi, kids.
Hi.

As I was saying,
I've worked out
a series of cross-references

which I believe will
be the best approach
to our subject.

Going like gangbusters,
isn't he?

Sit down, please.

I don't think
you'll find our venture
dull, Miss O'Shea.

The scientific conquest
of an important subject
is never dull.

"Slang," as the poet
Carl Sandburg has said,

"is language which
takes off its coat,

"spits on its hands
and goes to work."

(SPITTING)

Let us... Let us, too,
then get down to work.

Well, we've accomplished
a lot in the last three days,

and I'm very
grateful to all of you.

There's another word
I'd like to take up now.

It's recurred several times
in our discussions,

and its meaning
still eludes me.

I think it was Miss O'Shea
who used it yesterday

in reference to
the cuffs that I wear.

The word is "corny."

Yeah, wouldn't you
say they were corny?

Because of
the cornstarch in them?

Because it's 1941.

Then corny
means old-fashioned.

Mmm, kind of hick,
loose-tooth.

Mortimer Snerd.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, gee.

There's other
kinds of corn, too.

When you give your girl
your fraternity pin,

well, if she says,
"I'll keep it forever,"

that's corny, too.

Yeah, or take a joke.

"That's no lady,
that's my wife."

Making your baby's shoes
into ashtrays.

That's corn.
Right off the cob.

Well, let's stick to corn.

Is it synonymous
with baloney?

No, it's anything
that gets them in the sticks.

"Long time,
no see," that's Indian corn.

Yeah, when a guy
comes to see a girl
and says,

"Let's turn off the lights,
it hurts my eyes."

Brother, that's corn.

The implication is
he's trying to
pull some hoytoytoy.

You're catching on, Professor.
Countrified,
old-fashioned, sentimental.

Um...

Business kind
of peaked, Jack?

Yeah, it takes up
a lot of time
being on the faculty.

I'II buy the heap.

There's no call
for you to do that.

Why not?
I want to line
my bureau drawers.

Gee, thanks.

Back in a second, Professor.

Oh, yes, all right.

PROFESSOR: Miss O'Shea.

Just a minute.

Oh, Miss O'Shea.
Yeah?

We saw you pass
the library arch,

and we kind of
got a little problem
on our hands.

Would you help us?
Why, I'd love to.

Oh, good.

You're kind of
spruced up today,
aren't you, Professor?

Oh, the spats?
Yeah.

I ran across them
in my bottom drawer.

Why let the moths eat them?

Attaboy.
What's your problem,
sweetie?

Well, look.
Let me start again.

ODDLY: But, Professor,
I'm completely exhausted.

But we've got
to get it right.

Now, start with
the right foot.

The left foot.
The right foot.

Gentlemen,
it's the left foot.

Which foot, please?

The right foot.

All right, but you're wrong.

One, two, three, four.

ALL: One, two, three.

But I can't
"humph" from here.

We've been working on it
ever since luncheon.

Holy smoke.

Start again with
the left foot, come on.

The left foot.

ALL: One, two, three. Humph!

Well, it's the right motion.

But it doesn't
feel right.

It doesn't look right.

Possibly it isn't right.

There was two
"humphs."

Humph, humph.

Well, that would
make it right.
Humph, humph.

You're wrong,
my dear Gurkakoff.

Mathematics can
never be wrong.

Look here, I'II show you.

Stay there, Professor Oddly.

Show him.

One, two.

Professor Oddly,
please stand up.

I beg your pardon.

One, two, three.
Humph, humph.

Ah, ah, ah, just one.

The expert is here.
We need you.

What's the trouble?

Well, that dance
you showed us last night.

Yeah?
Yes, maybe we're not
very bright.

Professor Gurkakoff
has been trying

to reconstruct it by
compound fractions.

You'd better relax, lover.

Who, me? Oh, thank you.

I can't find
the common denominator

between the steps
and the music.

You bet you can't,
you're playing a polka,

and I taught you a conga.

How about some light
in here? Come on.

Look, kids,
this is the tempo.

(SUGARPUSS HUMMING
CONGA TEMPO)

(EVERYONE HUMMING TEMPO)

Got it?

That's right, hit it.

Hit what?

That's what I told you.

One, two, three...

Attaboy, Gurky!
You're wonderful!

SUGARPUSS: Wing it, Professor.
Hang on.

Good afternoon.

(CHATTERING)

How do you like the new suit?

What the well-dressed
professor will wear.

A young lady
chased me all the way up
Fifth Avenue.

Probably to tell you
to take the price tag off.

Did you...
Did you get the--the records?

Well, they were all out of
Beat Me Daddy,
Eight to the Bar.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.
But I got Chicka
Chicka Boom Boom

and Shoot the Sherbet
to Me Herbert.

Oh, now watch us go.

(EXCITED MURMURING)

Thank you very much,
gentlemen.

The same time tomorrow,
all of you who can.

Okay, coach, so long.
Goodbye.

This has given me
a new interest in life, Doc.

Me, too.

I'm gonna use some
of those two-dollar words
hollering my papers.

Park Avenue bigamy scandal,
most illuminating,
most illuminating!

So long, Prof.

And thank you very much.

That's all right.

Excuse me for talking shop,

but your garbage certainly
has cheered up these days.

Flowers, candy boxes,
perfume wrappings

and an empty of that
sweet French liquor.

Why, th-th-that's not
our--our garbage, I'm sure.

Maybe it wasn't,
but it was in your pail.

I'm leaving, sister.

(CONGA MUSIC PLAYING)

Miss Bragg.

May I have a word with you,
Professor Potts?

That music,
is it coming from next door?

From this door,
and that's what
I want to talk to you about.

Either she goes or I go.

You're speaking
of Miss O'Shea?

I am, Professor Potts.

That is the kind of woman
that makes whole
civilizations topple.

It's always been
my pride to scrupulously,
untiringly, efficiently...

Now, now, Miss Bragg,
you've split that
infinitive three times.

I repeat,
either she goes or I go.

I don't like ultimata,
Miss Bragg,

but I shall look
into the matter.

Don't look into the matter,
look into the library.

(PROFESSOR WHOOPING)

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

Hiya, Pottsy, come on,
hook on!

You should dance with us.

(MURMURING)

Hey, what's the big idea?

As soon as you
gentlemen get your breath,

we had better
have a conference.

Will you please
leave the room,
Miss O'Shea?

But we've only just started.

If you please, Miss O'Shea.

Loose-tooth again.

POTTS: Now, if you
gentlemen will be
kind enough

to get together all
that you've written
in the last three days...

(TAPPING AT DOOR)

Well, it's about time.

I thought you two had amnesia
and forgot
where you parked me.

Hold the phone, Sugie.

Dropping me on the doorstep
like a throwaway
for a credit dentist.

You said it was
for one night.

Sugie, for snap's sake.

You're as hot as a pistol.

The DA's got 100 men
on the job.

Why, they're squeezing
this town through a sieve,
borough by borough.

You tell her, Pastrami.

They're tailing us, Sugie.
Took us three hours to get
here from 48th Street.

Detoured through Jamaica,
Long Island
to shake them off.

Okay, you wait here.

I'II get my things together
in two seconds flat.

Hey, wait a minute, Sugie.

We got a surprise for you.

You ain't leaving,
not right yet.

I'm not? Joe's out, isn't he?

Yeah, but for how long?
They're laying for you
so they can get him back.

That's the surprise.

I'm supposed to stay
in this old mans' home till
the moths eat holes in me?

Say, when I say a surprise,
I mean a surprise.

Go on, flash it to her.

Put on
your sunglasses, Sugie.

Oh, boy.
Seven grand boiled
into that one, Sugie.

Oh, Joe doesn't have
to bribe me just because
I do him a little favor.

It's not a bribe,
don't take it like that.

Let him try and
get it back though.

Say, it's not your size,
is it?

It'll do, if I have to
whittle down my finger.

Third finger,
left hand, Sugie.

Who do you think
you're kidding?

The future Mrs. Joe Lilac.

Come again?
Wedding bells, sweetheart.

Joe and the lawyer
have got it
all figured out.

Yeah, a wife can't testify
against husband, see.

Oh, don't put it
like that, you dope.

Say, he's been thataway
about you ever since
he first picked you out.

Yeah, but it took the DA
to make him pop the question.

He sent you a love message.

He says to tell
you he gets more
bang out of you

than any dame
he ever knew.

And he's the top, Sugie,
do you realize that?
He's the top.

Mrs. Joe Lilac.

Third Avenue girl
in the major league at last.

Wait till they find out,
those other
dolls in the show.

Watch me break
their crockery with this.

Here, here,
the wedding's got to be
a fast one, though.

Over in New Jersey someplace.

Now, this is the application
for the license,
and you sign right here.

Will I? You got a pen?
Yeah.

Unscrew it for Mrs. Lilac.

Right here, right here.

You know,
I can't make up my mind.

Will I continue my
night club career

or bust in on
the Helen Hayes racket?

Say, this ought to be signed
before a notary public.

I'm a notary public,
permission expires 1943.

Were those pajamas
a good investment.

You'll get the final dope
by tomorrow morning.

Joe will phone around 10:00.

Now, meantime lie low
and stick close
to the Ameche.

Okay, the what?

The telephone.
Oh.

Uh, Miss Sugarpuss.

You'd better duck.

Okay, 10:00, I'll be waiting.

Okay, okay.

Miss Sugarpuss.

Here I am.

Just getting a little air.

Oh, Miss O'Shea.

What's buzzing, cousin?

Professor Potts would...

He, uh, wishes
to, uh, speak to you.

Oh.
ALL: Yes.

Oh, don't worry, kids,
cheer up.

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Shut the door, please.

Sure.

Take this chair,
please, Miss O'Shea.

This particular one?

Okay.

Open your mouth, please.
Hmm?

Open your mouth. Wider.

Thank you.

Can I close it now?
Please do.

Okay.
Miss O'Shea.

Yeah?

Circumstances,
under, over which

neither of us has
the least control,

force me to a step
I am most reluctant to take.

The sky is perfectly clear.

The thermometer stands at 76.

Your throat
seems quite normal.

I must ask you to leave.

Leave here? Why?

Miss O'Shea,
I want you
to look at our project,

I mean the encyclopedia,
as a voyage,

a long, hard, tedious one.

A voyage from "A" to "Z."

Now, when the Foundation
launched our vessel,

it very wisely
followed an old rule
of the sea, no women aboard.

It chose a crew of single men
with nothing to distract them

from the course
they were to sail.

Say, junior, couldn't stop
walking around a little,
could you?

For four days,
we have been drifting,
Miss O'Shea.

The needle of the compass
no longer points
to the magnetic pole.

It points, if I may
say so, to your ankles.

Oh, come now, Admiral,
a bunch of grown men,

they've seen
a pair of ankles before.

Not for nine years.

Except for
the singularly uninspiring
underpinnings of Miss Bragg.

(CLEARING THROAT)
Now, my colleagues...

If you think I'm
bothering them,
I'll sit on my legs.

And I'll do it in my
room or in the kitchen.

Too late.

You must leave, Miss O'Shea.

Well, I can't leave now.

How about that slang?

It's not finished yet.

There's a lot of words
we haven't caught up with.

For instance,
do you know what this means,

"I'll get you on the Ameche"?

No.
Of course, you don't.

An Ameche is the telephone.

On account of he invented it.
Oh, no, he didn't.

You know, in the movies.
Oh, I see what you mean.
Very interesting.

Make no mistake,

I shall regret
the absence
of your keen mind.

Unfortunately,
it is inseparable

from an extremely
disturbing body.

(WHISTLING)

All right.
I'II go, only don't shove.

I'll leave
sometime tomorrow.

Not tomorrow.
Right away.

But I tell you
I've got a...

I insist, Miss O'Shea.

Oh, Crabapple Annie.

Listen, Pottsy...
Crabapple Annie?

Why, that implies
that I'm puritanical
and narrow-minded.

Yeah.

I am a perfectly normal man
with perfectly
normal instincts.

But an awful high
boiling point.

Not even that.

I, too, have been
acutely aware
of your presence.

You have?
Twice, to be exact.

Once when you
leaned over my shoulder

to correct my spelling of
the word "boogie-woogie,"

I could feel your
breath on my ear.

And yesterday afternoon

when you happened to stand
against the window

with the sunlight
in your hair.

What'd you do about it?

I... I left the room,

dipped my handkerchief
in cold water

and applied it to the back
of my neck right there,

where the nerve center is.
That's cute.

You see,
that's the basic difference

between me and
the other professors.

We are all beguiled,
but I am relatively young.

I can suppress temptation.

I generate enough energy
to take
precautionary measures.

Hmm.

A little sun on my hair
and you had to
water your neck.

Perhaps I shouldn't
have mentioned it,
Miss O'Shea,

but I'm merely trying
to point out the fact

that the success
of our enterprise
is at stake.

I want you to...

Cooperate.

I want you to leave.

Oh, all right, I'll go.

But if I'm going
to go anyway,

l guess I might
as well spill it.

Spill it? Spill what?

Why do you suppose
I came here
in the first place?

To help with the research.

I did not.
I came on account of you.

Me?

And not on account of
you needed some slang.

On account of
because I wanted
to see you again.

Miss O'Shea, the construction
"on account of because"

outrages every
grammatical law.

So what? I came on account of
because I couldn't
stop thinking about you

after you left
my dressing room.

On account of
because I thought

you were big and
cute and pretty.

Pretty?
Yeah, I mean you.

Maybe I'm just crazy,
but to me,

you're a regular
yum-yum type.

Yum-yum?

Yeah, don't you know
what that means?

No, we never got to that.

Well, we've got to it now,
and I'm glad it's out.

I don't give a whoop
whether the others
went for me.

You're the one
I'm wacky about,
just plain wacky.

Can you understand that?
Please, Miss O'Shea.

Oh, please, nothing.
Maybe you can generate
or whatever it is

for all that
suppress business, but...

I can't. No, you're too tall.

Uh-uh.

What are you doing?
Oh, you'll find out.

Those are
Professor Gurkakoff's
reference books.

And they're very...
Now, isn't that just too bad!

Oh, that's perfect.
What are you going to do?

Come here,
I'm going to show
you what yum-yum is.

Here's yum.

Here's the other yum.

And here's yum-yum.

Excuse me.

Hey, where are you going?

(DOOR SLAMS SHUT)

Did you see?

He practically
stepped on my hand.

Three steps at a time.
Shot out of a gun.

But where is he going?
Why?

To get a razor strop, I hope,
and I hope he knows
where to apply it.

Well, Professor Potts?

Oh, uh, yes, Miss Bragg.

Will one of you call a taxi
from the corner
for Miss O'Shea?

Right away.

Thank you.

Fine business.

I beg your pardon?

What's the idea
of running out
on me like that?

Nothing, nothing.

The last few minutes
only confirmed
my former decision.

Your further presence
here would be fatal.

You must get me
out of your mind

just as I must get you
out of this house.

Your hair's wet.

Well, never mind, please.

Well, it is wet.

Well, what of it?

Nothing, I just
happened to mention it.

Well, forget it, please.

Okay, okay.

Now to get back
to the subject
under discussion.

It would be idle
of me to deny that I, too,
feel the affinity

that you mentioned
a few minutes ago,
very strongly.

After three years,
when my work is finished,

perhaps we can take
up where we left off.

In the meantime,
I... I hope we can keep up
some sort of correspondence.

Would you, Miss Sugarpuss?

Oh, Pottsy.

I know that's the way
I feel, too,
but it has to be.

Uh, Sugarpuss,
uh, before you go,
would you...

(POTTS CLEARS THROAT)

Would you

yum me just once more?

It seems so unnecessary.
Yes.

Yes.
The taxi's here.

I'll tell him.

Professor Potts,
the taxi for that
young woman is here.

The taxi.

Yes, what is it?

The taxi's here.

Taxi? What taxi?

Miss O'Shea's or mine.

It's all yours,
Crabapple Annie.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

What is the delay,
young man?

Delivery was
promised for 10:00.

Sign here.

I trust that it's
engraved correctly.

I guess so.

$39.85, wasn't it?

Yeah.

Here's $40.
Keep the change.

You're sure
the setting is solid gold?

Why, of course.

There was one $5 cheaper,
but not nearly so handsome.

Let's see it, Potts.
Yes, please.

No, no, it's wrapped
so neatly, I hate to.

I'll take it, Miss Bragg.

Room service.

Now we've got room service.

I thought she might like this.

Thank you.
It's nothing, really.

Be careful.

If I were the cream
for that woman's coffee,
I'd curdle.

I thought you
meant to leave us
in protest, Miss Bragg.

PROFESSORS:
Yes.

A nurse does not
quit her post

when an epidemic
reaches a crisis.

SUGARPUSS: Come in.

Morning, Pottsy.

Good morning.
I brought your breakfast.

Good, I'II have it right here
in the snooze stand,
thank you.

Uh, how do you take it?

Oh, just jav, no cow.

Just what?
Black.

Sugar?
Straight.

Toast?
No, thanks.

You sure
you don't want
some toast?

Uh-uh.

Well, here's some jam
to go with it.

It's blackberry.
Mmm-mmm.

Never use it.

Not just one bite?
Mmm-mmm.

Sit down and take
a load off your feet.

Say, I found out
what's wrong with
"on account of because."

It's saying
the same thing twice,

you know,
like calling somebody
a rich millionaire.

You call it, um, a pleo...

No, wait a minute, a plea...

A pleonasm?

Yes, that how you
pronounce it? That's it.

Who told you that?
Oh, this room's full
of books about grammar.

I read for a couple of hours.

Well, I couldn't sleep,
either.

I walked
in the park till the sun
came up over the East Sixties.

It took me all that time
to gather my thoughts,

to analyze my impulses
and clarify our relationship.

Have we got one of those?

It's a very important moment,
a new chapter.

In fact, for me,
it's the first chapter.

For what has my life been
up till now?

A preface.
An empty foreword.

You couldn't talk
a little plainer,
could you?

Not if you won't have
a piece of toast.

At least just...
At least look under the lid.

Oh, you went and
bought me a present.

I hope it fits.

Gurkakoff calculated
the circumference
of your finger.

I woke up the jeweler
at 7:00 this morning.

It's a lovely ring,
Pottsy, really it is.

I hoped you'd like it.

It's our...
It's our engagement ring.

Pottsy, do you mean you...

Yes, I did, I...

You mean you really...

Well?

What am I supposed to say?

Just say yes.

After you've declared
your feelings,

it's the only
logical step to take.

Oh, don't you think
you'd better take

another turn
around the park, Pottsy?

I'm just as surprised as you.

Marriage? I thought
I was married to my books.

The only thing
I thought I could care
for deeply

was a correctly
constructed sentence.

The subject,
predicate, adverbial clause,

each in its proper place,
and then you...

You see, I've had
rather a curious life.

I graduated from
Princeton when I was 13.

I recited Tiger,
Tiger Burning Bright
when I was a year old.

Before I was two,
I could read fluently.

People like
that just, well...

You see, dust just
piles up on their hearts.

And it took you
to blow it away.

Yeah, but I...

I didn't mean
to blow it smack
into your eyes.

Well, that's what
happened, look.

Look inside the ring.

Oh, yeah, there's writing.

(SAYING, "RICHARD ILL")
"Richard Ill."
Who's Richard Ill?

Richard III.
Oh.

Act 1, Scene 2, line 204.

There wasn't room
for all the words.

What words?

Well, they go
like this, quote,

"Look, how this ring
encompasseth thy finger.

"Even so thy breast
encloseth my poor heart.

"Wear both of them,
for both of them are thine."

Unquote, I suppose.

I hope you don't
think it's too corny.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Pottsy, I...

Come in.

There is
a telephone call
for you.

For me?

We didn't want to interrupt,
but the man on the wire

said it was from your daddy.

Daddy?

That's what he said.

Oh.

Oh, yes, Daddy!

It's long distance.

Yeah, I'll get it.

How did it go, Potts?

She seemed quite overwhelmed.

That was to be expected.

You see, excuse me,
you see,
the customary procedure

is to approach
the parents of
the young lady first.

PROFESSORS: Yes.

Yes, I realize that.

Hello?

Hello, hello,
it's Asthma, Sugie.

The boss wants
to talk to you,

only we're relaying
the call so it won't
be traced, dig me?

Here she is, boss. Ready?

Okay, Sugie,
don't use no names, though.

Oh, boy, did you call
at the right minute.

Where are you?

Some whistle
snort in New Jersey.

Rancocas, it's called.

Well, how you been, Sugie?
I hear you're hiding out
with the seven dwarfs.

Eight. And it's
kind of indicated

I'd better get
out of here quick.

Oh, no, nothing like that,
it's just that

one of the professors got
off the beam a little.

Yeah, a slight case
of Andy Hardy.

Why don't you just
take his umbrella

and whack him
over the knuckles?

Well, everything's
all set, babe.

The license comes
through this afternoon.

I got a justice of
the peace all lined up.

Yeah, that's what
we're trying to figure out,

how to get you here.

No, I don't want
you to take a train.

They'd spot you
like a lead dime.

They'll be
watching everything,

Holland Tunnel,
Washington Bridge.

I don't even
trust the highways.

I don't care
if I have to hook
a ride on a hearse.

I want to get out of here.

(DOOR CLOSES)
I don't like it.
I want to blow. I...

Oh...

Well, um, what other
news is there, Daddy?

Everything fine at home?
Is Mom all right?

For Easter?
Well, I, uh...
I don't know, Daddy.

Um, just a minute.

Uh, I won't be long,
just wait in the library.

Do you mind if
I have a few words
with your father?

Sure.

Um...

Daddy, this is the professor
I was telling you about.

Mr. O'Shea?
My name is Bertram Potts.

I judge your daughter
has already told you

of my aspirations
in her regard.

Hey, are you crazy?

Oh, you're quite right,
Mr. O'Shea.

It's inexcusable for one
to introduce oneself

to one's future father-in-law
over the telephone.

But before even considering

entrusting your daughter's
future happiness to my care,

I'm sure you want
to know all about me.

Well, as character references,

you might get in
touch with the head

of the Rockefeller Foundation,

and the President
of Princeton,
my own university.

Well, except for
occasional trouble
with my left sinus,

I am in excellent
physical condition.

Mmm-hmm, how's
your digestion, son?

Good.

I draw a salary
of $3,200 per year.

Uh, in the last election,
I voted the straight
Republican ticket.

Oh, that's fine, that's fine.

I just had
a brain flash, McNeary.

What did you say
your first name is, son?

Bertram.

Well, Bertram,
I don't know if
Sugarpuss told you,

but, uh,
she's our only child.

We kind of never figured
a professor in the family,

but if that's what she wants,
then that's fine with us.

Well, I shall do
everything I can,

Mr. O'Shea,
to make her happy.

Just one thing more, Bertram.

Mom is kind of an invalid,
doesn't do any traveling.

But it would
just break her heart
not to see Sugarpuss married.

You understand that?

Of course, sir.

My mother's dead,
but I know it would have...

It would have made her happy
to be present.

So, suppose you
just bring the kid
right down here.

We want to see you
and let's have
the ceremony in our hometown.

Why, of course,
Mr. O'Shea.

May I call you Father,
Mr. O'Shea?

Thank you, Father.

It was better
than I hoped for.

Your father
wants to talk to you.

Well, Sugie,
this solves your
transportation.

That Jack was made-to-order.

Who's gonna stop
the Rockefeller Foundation
and Princeton University?

And suppose you get
a couple of the other
old beavers

to come along in the car.

Maybe there's some other way.

I don't want to take them
for that kind of a ride.

Oh that's quite all right.

I'll take
a couple of days off.

PROFESSORS: Yes, we all will.

That's a good idea.
I--I...

Now cut out
the menkenkes, Sugie.

This gets you to Rancocas.

Once you're here,
we'll give the professor
the boot, easy like,

where it won't blind him.

I don't want any discussions.

Just one thing.

Watch out for
the Washington Bridge.

That'll be
swarming with cops.

(HANGS UP)

Hello? Hello?

What's the matter,
my dear?

Oh, he's always
in such a rush.

Which is my
great good fortune,
the sooner the better.

Gentlemen,
I now have the honor
to announce our betrothal.

Congratulations.

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Very sensibly condensed,
as in the Reader's Digest.

Please don't cry,
I'm very happy.

Can't help it.

Look, why don't you
go upstairs

and pack my fiancee's
things for her? Please.

I want to be an usher.

We'll all be ushers.

One kisses the bride.
May I?

We'll all kiss the bride.

Yes, of course.

May we?

Go ahead.

We are very happy.

We feel that you are
marrying all of us,
a little.

Yes, yes, indeed.

We wish you
every happiness,
my dear.

All of us.

If we're gonna get started
this afternoon,
I'd better be going.

(DOOR OPENING)

Well.

Kind of a cheesy
picture of me, isn't it?

Recognizable, thank heaven.

Oh, wait a minute.
Get your things together

and get down the back stairs
before I call the police.

I've got something to say.

A gangster's moll thinking
she'd marry
one of my professors.

Don't worry,
I'm not marrying
any professor.

Certainly not.

I'm mink coat.
I'm no bungalow apron.

That's the guy I'm getting.

Pretty good getting for a gal
that came up the hard way.

We'll have
this room fumigated
when you're out of it.

Well, you ought to, I guess.
Let me past.

Oh, no, no, no,
any spilling
that's to be done,

I'll do, but not yet.

Not while it would
bug up everything.

If you think
I'll hold my tongue...

Why don't you look at it
this way, Braggo?

The harm's been done.

Pottsy's gonna wear
his heart in a sling

whether he finds
out sooner or later.

Here or in New Jersey
won't make any
difference to him.

Only, in New Jersey's
a darned sight better for me.

Better for you, indeed.

Oh, no, no, no.
Why, you, you...

Open that door
or I'll scream.

Oh, no, I can't have you
screaming, not now.

A piercing scream...

Sorry, Braggo.

(MUMBLING)

What did you say?
What?

I was just running
through the marriage service.

"To be my lawful wedded wife.

"For better, for worse,
for richer, for poorer."

Please, Pottsy.
What?

Don't, please.

You're very nervous,
aren't you, darling?

It's been
a very exciting day.

Oh, it's just this
business of going to Jersey.

I mean, back home.

Every time I get
to this old bridge,

I get worried for fear
I might get stuck

and not be able to
get back over again.

Oh, we'll bring you back,
don't you be afraid.

Okay, go ahead.

Hey.
Sorry, sorry.

You trying to
play piggy-back?

Listen to that.

I don't see any
reason for sarcasm.

Neither do I.

Something wrong
with your brakes,
sonny?

I couldn't locate
it for a moment.

This is a rented car.

Got a driver's license?

I have, indeed.

"1903."
This should have
been renewed 20 times.

This is as far as
you drive, brother.

Oh, no, no.

But, Officer,
this is a wedding party.

A wedding party?

Are you the bridegroom?

No, I am.

Is this the bride?

Yes.

Pardon me.
Officer, please.

What is it?

It's good luck
to touch a bride,

and I got
a promotion coming up.
Oh.

Well, could you reciprocate
by letting us proceed?

Yes, we'll drive
very carefully.
Yes.

Postponing a wedding
is bad luck, you know,
Officer.

That's right.
Well, what are you
waiting for?

Get going.
Okay.

A very nice gentleman.

All that nonsense
with my driving license.

With that
license I once drove
President Theodore Roosevelt.

And he pronounced
my driving bully.

(HORN HONKING)

He said that...

Look out! Look out!

Look out, look out!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(PHONE RINGING)

(BANGING ON DOOR)

Help! Help!

Police! Police! Help! Help!

Huh? How's that,
operator? No answer.

Jam it.
Jam it.

(PHONE RINGING)

Huh?

All right, I didn't mean
to say it, I'm sorry.

Hey, wait a minute,
there's a car driving up now.

(PHONE RINGING)

Listen, sister,
I said I was sorry.
What do you want me to do?

Send you a bouquet of...

Oh, it's you,
wait a minute.

Hey, it's Sugarpuss.

Sugie, say,
what the sweet
Judas gives out?

Where are you?

We're not down here
to enjoy ourselves.
This is a wedding.

A what? They had an accident.

(PROFESSORS CHATTERING)
Nothing serious.

No, it just shook
the old boys up a little.

I couldn't get
to a phone before.

I don't know,
some little
hotel near Kingston.

Poplar Grove,
it's called. Yeah.

Oh, sure, Joe,
there's a midnight bus.
I can grab that.

Midnight bus,
what are you talking about?

I'II have Asthma and Pastrami
pick you up
in about 40 minutes.

Sure tonight.

I've got a justice
of the peace on call.

There'll be a justice
of the peace tomorrow.

Now, why not
do this thing right?

I want to wait until
the old boys go to bed.

I can't walk
out on them cold.

Maybe you'd like to sit down

and knit them
eight little sweaters
to remember you by.

I've told you how
it's going to be,
now stop barking orders.

So long.

Get the car ready.

GURKAKOFF: I could prove
to you by the laws
of relativity

that it was not I who
ran into the signpost,

but that it was
the signpost which ran...

That's all right,
go ahead, sit down.

But that it was the signpost
which ran into me.

Let me explain.

If you do, by that same law,
your head will run
into this bottle.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Before you do that,
I'd like a drink, please.

By all means, excuse me.

No, I think I'll hit the hay,
get some sleep.

PROFESSORS: Why?
The evening's young yet.

Oh, no, I don't belong here.

This is a bachelor dinner.

Ah, but this one is different.

No, that's the law.

We've heard from the garage.

The car will be
ready in the morning.

Perhaps it will hold together
until Rancocas.

Then we'll
be leaving early.

Yeah, after
issuing an urgent appeal

to all signposts
not to charge at us.

That's right.

What...

What time shall we waken you,
about 7:30?

Oh, I'll be awake all right.

Well, kids, here's to you.

Here's to you.

Here's to all of us.

Yes, to all of us.

Pottsy, I...

You know,
you boys still
have time to warn him.

A man is a goof
to marry any woman.

Just let them try to warn me.

He'll have to console us
that there aren't seven
more just like you.

Yeah, one for each of us.

Of assorted ages, of course.

Naturally.

I...

Well, I...

I'd like to keep you
all in a locket, always.

Eight squirrelly cherubs
right out of this world.

Bye, kids.

PROFESSORS: Good night.

Good night.

Did you hear, Potts?

I'm a squirrelly cherub.

No, no, no.
No, I insist,
the happiest marriages

are those which
produce three children

at intervals of
not less than two
or more than three years.

Gentlemen, gentlemen. Please.

You are all
speaking very glibly
about a subject

of which you know
practically nothing.

No, I know what I'm saying.

Uh, if you feel
the need of any guidance,

may I suggest
that you turn to me.

Oh, that's right.
You were married,
weren't you?

Oh, yes.
Genevieve has been dead
for some 24 years, but...

I have relived every moment
of our happiness
so many times.

And my experience
is entirely at your disposal,
Bertram.

Thank you,
Oddly, but I really...

I judge I do not
have to start
with basic principles.

Being...

Being a botanist,
I find
an astonishing parallel

between a woman's heart
and the wind flower

or Anemone nemorosa.

Perhaps you know the plant,
how it waits for
the warm sunshine

and soft winds before
it, uh, it unfolds its petals.

Sensitive and delicate.

One rough, impetuous bee
can completely
destroy the bloom.

Oh, come out of the garden,
will you, Oddly?

Jerome.
Have a heart.

I'm much obliged to you,
Oddly, but I...

Please, please, Bertram.
Think of me as
an elder brother

or father, anxious to
send you off properly.

As we all are. Of course.

Now, tenderness,

that is what I advocate.

Tenderness and patience.

Genevieve was a watercolorist.

Therefore,
after the wedding reception,

we went straight
to the Catskills.

Ah, we spent there
a beautiful week
filled with promise.

And returned to New York
with 14 excellent watercolors.

Hmm, fourteen watercolors.

Uh, back in New York,
I flung my enthusiasm
into preparing a lecture,

"The Flora of the Catskills,"

whilst Genevieve painted
a flight of swallows

around the walls
of our living room.

Ah, me.

I remember for three months,
every time
I bade her goodnight

I would kiss
the palm of her little hand,

astonished at
my own boldness.

What did you say
the name of the flower was?

Anemone nemorosa,
of the buttercup family.

Uh, Genevieve was a blonde.

Here is a lock of her hair.

Very lovely.
Yes.

I remember, it used
to shine a great deal.

And there was
a song at that time
everyone sang.

Unfortunately,
I can never carry a tune.

(HUMMING)

Uh, uh, that's it.

Please sing it all.

♪ O Genevieve

Does anyone else know it?

♪ Sweet Genevieve

♪ The days may come

♪ The days may go

♪ But still the hands

♪ Of memory weave

♪ The blissful dreams

♪ Of long ago

Please sing it again.

♪ O Genevieve

♪ Sweet Genevieve

♪ The days may come

♪ The days may go

♪ But still the hands

♪ Of memory weave

♪ The blissful dreams

♪ Of long ago

Oh, please, go on.

♪ O Genevieve

♪ Sweet Genevieve

Thank you, thank you so much.

♪ The days may come

♪ The days may go

♪ But still the hands

♪ Of memory weave

♪ The blissful dreams

♪ Of long ago

(HUMMING)

Good boy.

(SINGING)

(ALL SINGING)

Robinson, what did you make
of what Oddly was saying?

Don't ask me, Potts.
He's the expert.

What's his bungalow number?

I don't know.
Ask Peagram.

Peagram, what's the number
of Oddly's bungalow?

He's in six.

(ALL CONTINUE SINGING)

Oddly?

I'm sorry, Oddly,
but I've got to
talk this out.

I must get this off my chest
before it stifles me.

If you don't mind,
we won't turn on the light

while we're discussing
these things
extremely personal.

What you said,

I recognize
the beauty and delicacy

of the relationship
you described.

But I'm...
I don't trust myself.

I'm afraid
I'm a lot bolder
than you are, Oddly.

You don't think
that would necessarily
endanger everything? Do you?

Why, the very idea
that I should have to
spend my honeymoon

watching her
paint in watercolors

just because
she's like somebody
from the...

From the buttercup
family, I...

I'm a man in love.

It's the first
time in my life.

I want to take
her in my arms.

I thought
because I was young,

I had self-control
but that's not true.

I think of her
every waking moment.

Why, if this marriage
had been delayed,

l mean,
should have been delayed,

I mean, should be...

Listen to that.

Oddly, I don't know
my tenses anymore.

I've gone goofy,
completely goofy,
bim-buggy, slap-happy.

Can a man like
that keep his mind
on the Anemone nemorosa?

Pottsy.

What...

I'm sorry, I don't know
how I could have
made such a mistake.

To say such things
to a woman.

You'll have to forgive me.

Oh, don't apologize,
Pottsy.

It was illuminating.

PROFESSOR: Professor Potts!

Somebody is calling me.

Are they?

Maybe it's just
as well.

PROFESSOR: Professor Potts!

PROFESSOR #2: Professor Potts!

I'll be back.

Were you calling me?
Yes, we were, Potts.

Potts, something has come up.

Yes, well...
Well, what?

You better tell him,
Martin.

Maybe he'd better
tell him.

Who?
Potts.

There's a gentleman here. No.

There's a man here. No.

Four men, four men inside.

Yes, they'll tell you.

Well, what...

LILAC: So you're
the bridegroom?

Yes. This is Professor Potts.

How are you, Bertram?

I thought
you'd look like
these other squats,

only with a beard
and pea soup on it.

What about me evoked
this interest on your part?

Sounds like it was engraved,
don't it?

Yeah.

What is this all about?

It's about Sugarpuss.

Perhaps if we
talked to him...

There's been too
many detours as is.

Maybe you recognize
my voice, Bertram,
do you?

How's your sinus?

You're not her father.

You're getting warm.

I'm her daddy.

(GANGSTER LAUGHING)
Shut up.

I believe I'm entitled
to some clarification.

So am I.

Lipstick.

What are you doing?

(CHATTERING)

Calm down now, Wimpy.

I was kind of
counting on Sugarpuss
to tell you the score.

Trouble is she's all right
giving out with the twists
and the wise cracks.

When it comes
to leveling off,
she gets chicken.

He's trying to say
that our wedding trip
was nothing but a vast lie.

A vast lie?

Don't you
believe it, Bertram.

There's going to be
a wedding all right,
with Sugarpuss the bride.

Only I'm the bridegroom.

(LAUGHING)
Shake it off.

I certainly do
appreciate the way

you guys
delivered a hot cargo.

LILAC: She was to be
handled with care.

Potts, it seems that
your bride to be...

JOE: His bride.
That's a laugh.

It seems that
Sugarpuss has used us
to circumvent the police.

We serving as
protective
coloration.

PROFESSOR: Yes.

I don't believe it.

Professor, you really thought
she was going to marry you

with your $3,000
what-was-it a year?

She spends that much
for having
her toenails painted.

She sulks if she has to wear
last year's ermine.

He don't believe it.
Look at him.

All right.
Suppose you go tell Sugarpuss
Daddy's here.

Joe Lilac's the name.

(CAR APPROACHING)

Professor Potts!
Professor Potts!

Why, Miss Bragg.
Is it too late?

Have you married that girl?
She knocked me out.

Nine hours in a closet.
Something told me all along.

Hold the phone, sister.

We traced you
through your accident.

There's a warrant
from the DA's office

for this
girlfriend of Lilac's.

Where is she?

(MOTORCYCLE DRIVING AWAY)

There's a Mr. Lilac
waiting for you.

Yeah.

The situation has
been explained to me
in simple terms.

You don't have to
worry about the police.

I told them you and he
left a half hour ago.

Probably were in
Trenton by now.

Thanks, Pottsy.

Thanks for what?

You've given us
all a fine course

in the theory and
practice of being a sucker.

It was a very
small tuition fee.

Perhaps it wasn't quite worthy
of you choosing us

as subjects
of your demonstration.

Eight pushovers,
like shooting
fish in a barrel.

I...

I didn't want you
to get it this way.

Not right in the face.

I've been...

I've been sitting here
trying to write you a letter.

Here are all my excuses.

The handwriting of a...

What would be
your word for it?

A tramp.

(SOBBING)

Good morning,
Miss Bragg.

Good morning,
gentlemen.

What about some
nice hot breakfast?

I made some
Parker House rolls.

No, thank you.
Even have some jam.

Strawberry jam,
Professor Oddly.

Thank you, Miss Bragg,
but I don't think so.

Nobody wants any breakfast?
No, thank you.

Why? What? Very well.

(CONGA MUSIC PLAYING)

Gentlemen,
just a moment, please.

Before we attempt
to get back to work,
I'd like to say a few words.

You've been very kind
and very tactful.

If I may say so,
over-tactful.

The entire ride
home in the car,

you avoided a certain subject
and made empty conversation.

Now, let's have it out.

I made an ass of myself
and I know it.

Oh, well,
we all have, Potts.

Yes, but I was
the lead donkey.

Why not just
regard the episode

as a prolonged constitutional?

PROFESSORS: That's right.
That's what we'll do.

Thank you.

What happened to our emotions
can't be undone.

What happened to our work
must be remedied.

I'm sorry, but because of me
we must work
two extra hours a day.

In a month,
we'll be back on
schedule again.

PROFESSORS:
Sure. That's right.

Now, we are all scholars.

Let us withdraw
behind our wall of books,

and may her name never
be brought up in
this house again.

We didn't mention it, Potts.

Not even by
omitting it so obviously.

Excuse me, Bertram, but...

Well, uh, now that
we are burying her memory,

I feel it only fair, you see,
she gave me
something for you.

I found her
crying in her bungalow,

and she slipped your
ring into my pocket.

Put it in the wastebasket,
please, Oddly.

(STUTTERING)
Just a moment. Just a moment.

Is this your ring, Potts?

That for $39.85?

Doesn't look like it.

Why, no it is not.

Are you sure?

Positive.

Because
if this is the one
she gave back to you

and not
the one you gave her,

it's enormously interesting.

But why?

Why? How so?

Potts.

She loves you.

How can you say that?

Please, she happened
to pull that one
off by mistake.

Not according to
Professor Freud.

Freud?

The subconscious mind
never makes mistakes.

She gave you
the ring she didn't want,
his ring.

And she kept
the one she wanted, yours.

That's right, Potts.

Bosh and nonsense.

I agree with Miss Bragg.

I refuse to be coddled
with a lot of
psychoanalytical nonsense.

As one who understands
a woman's heart,
I would like to...

(ALL MURMURING)

Good morning.
PROFESSORS: Good morning.

Quite an eventful night
last night, gentlemen.

At least,
so we see by the papers.

We're quite fresh
this morning, however.

And we're going back
to work with a will.

Yes, indeed.
There's no hurry about that.

Not any longer.

We've had quite enough
of your activities.

It has cost
the estate some $300,000
to at last have its name

spread across every
tabloid in New York.

"Night club babe hides out
in Totten Foundation."

And this one.
Yes.

"Professor bridegroom carries
ball of fire
across state line."

And many others like it.

For my father,
I feel profound humiliation.

For myself,
unutterable disgust.

Shall I go ahead?
Please.

For the aforesaid reasons,

Miss Totten has decided
to discontinue
the encyclopedia.

What?

How soon can you vacate?

Vacate? After nine years?

Expelled in disgrace?

Pull the chair
from under us?

Thrown out like
eight old shoes?

I'm sorry, gentlemen,
but my mind's made up.

Go ahead, Mr. Larsen.

Several real estate firms
are interested
in this property.

One of the companies
wants to erect
an apartment house here,

giving you...

Whoa! Please don't do that.

I'm sorry.

One word, Miss Totten, may I?

In your very
understandable excitement,

a great injustice
is being done.

I am the guilty one.

And I accept
my dishonorable discharge
without protest,

but that others should suffer
and be punished

(STAMMERING)
for my misconduct
is unthinkable.

(WINDOW BREAKS)

Oh, my goodness,
what was that?

(GASPS)

Good morning.
Good morning.

Everybody line up over there,
like for a photograph.

With you,
Bertram, in the foreground.

Come on, get going.

Get around, get around.
Go on.

PASTRAMI: Faster. Keep moving.

Saint Valentine's Day!

Is the bride ready yet?

No, not yet.
What?

Louder, please.

We're still talking it over.

Good idea.
Important step.

Hey, wait a minute.
Where you going?

For lunch. Five minutes late.

When are you
going to be back?

After I've ate
and had my nap.

How long are we
gonna argue this?

Now look, Sugie.
I said no. And no is no.

Sugie, when I was
nine years old,

I was in love with
my piano teacher.

She played classical.

You're not nine years old.

I love him.

She loves him.

Yes, I love him.

I love those hick shirts
he wears
with the boiled cuffs.

And the way he always has
his vest buttoned wrong.

Looks like
a giraffe and I love him.

I love him because
he's the kind of a guy

that gets drunk on
a glass of buttermilk.

And I love the way
he blushes right
up over his ears.

I love him
because he doesn't know
how to kiss, the jerk.

I love him, Joe.
That's what I'm
trying to tell you.

I'll never see him again.

But I'm not gonna marry you.

Not if you tie
a ton of cement
around my neck

and throw me
into the East River

like you did to
all the others.

I tell you,
Joe was framed.
Oh, sure, sure.

So you tell me,
I know better now.

I guess she'd better
talk to her professor.

Get him on the phone.

You leave him out of this.

Imagine that big giraffe
at the bottom
of the East River.

You wouldn't
like that to happen
to him, would you, Sugarpuss?

That ain't funny, McGee.

Who said it's funny?

I mean business.

That is if you
don't say "I do"
like a nice little bride.

Uh-uh.

I kind of figured
you'd bumped your brains
into one of them pink clouds.

You can't do this, Joe.

It's too late, Sugie.

The pressure's on
already.

What is this?
Putting the screws on me?

You said it,
and right where
it'll do the most good.

Neighborhood of the heart.

McNEARY: Hello.

This is McNeary.
Hang on. Here you are.

You take it.

Hello?

Hello, Sugie.

Sure, it's Pastrami.

Just dropped in on the boys,
Asthma and me,

with our little
old typewriters.

That's up to the boss.
We're waiting for orders.

For orders?

Can we make
a deal now, Sugie?

Sure we can, brother.

Put him on,
Pastrami, just a word.

Would you mind stepping
to the phone,
Professor Potts?

A lady friend of yours.

I have nothing to say
to Miss O'Shea.

Oh.

Oh, please, please!

You haven't?

Just a moment.

Goodness, this is awful.
Yesterday, a nightclub...

Shut your clam, sister.

Hello.

Yes, Miss O'Shea,
this is Professor Potts.

Your friends are here.

Not at all.

Your methods are
familiar by now.

I don't know
the exact purpose
of this maneuver.

What more can be
gained from us?

But I hope
that it works
to your advantage.

I'm sorry, Pottsy,
but it'll be all
right in a little while.

They won't hurt anybody.

Just don't do
anything foolish.

Promise me, Pottsy.
Give it.

Okay, Bertram,
put Pastrami back on.

I imagine he wants
to talk to you.

Yes, boss?

Okay, we'll wait
for the call.

And best wishes, boss.
Congratulations.

Well, all we have to do
is to wait for
the all-clear signal.

We'll dismiss the class
right after the ceremony.

Did you say
after the ceremony?

That's what I said.

You mean they're
not married yet?

Why do you think
we're futzing
around with these?

Well, I don't know,
I thought...

A little trouble
with Sugarpuss'
vocal chords.

Wouldn't say yes.

She wouldn't say yes?
What...

You very ugly young man,

you know,
to me at this moment

you look
perfectly delightful?
Huh?

I mean absolutely beautiful.
I what?

Positively wonderful.
Are you nuts?

(LAUGHING)
No, l feel like yodeling.

(YODELING)

Doc... Pardon me.

Dr. Gurkakoff,
my apologies to
Professor Freud.

Thank you.

But you don't understand.

This visit is
no longer a mystery.

Apparently, it requires
those two guns

leveled on us
to force Sugarpuss
to marry Mr. Lilac.

You mean to say that...
Yes.

That explains everything.

Break it up, break it up.

We can't allow that.
No, no, indeed.

Can't, huh?
What do you think
we're here for?

But, young man, you see,
we all love this
young lady very dearly.

Better look out.
It's gonna spit.

What is going to... Oh, dear.

Now, sit down,
all of you. Sit down.

Yes, we're...
I mean, we're...

Ah.

Don't look so big now,
them eight big brains.

Not to me they don't.

You are under the impression
that you are big

because you have
those firearms

because you know
how to load them
and pull the trigger.

It would be interesting
to teach them the contrary...

Button it up, understand?

Hey, fellows,
this won't take a second.

They're pulling
a double or nothing
on that quizzola.

Three new questions. First.

"The sword of Damocles,
was that a..."

Say, was you holding
a meeting or something?

More like a wake, maybe.

Oh, excuse me.

Just a minute, Jack.

We got a loge seat for you,
right in the back row.

This way, please.

That's right.

ASTHMA: Now, sit down.

Young man, your...

You don't mind if
we talk, do you?

PASTRAMI: Just keep it funny.

Thank you.

Your question
as you came in was about

the sword of Damocles,
I believe.

Yeah.

But I'd just as soon skip it.

No, but it's a very
interesting subject.

Never mind.

Yeah, but I do mind.

I just wanted to tell you
that the sword of Damocles

was suspended over his head.

Yes, by a single hair.

Exactly.

Did you hear that,
Robinson?

Suspended over
his head by a single hair.

A constant source of danger.

Mr. Pastrami,
you know your history,
don't you?

Uh, it's not one of
my best points.

I never went in
for that kind of stuff.

At least, not very much.

Well, I thought
I'd just ask you.

A very interesting
lesson indeed.

Yes.

Yes, indeed.
I've always found it
a most absorbing subject.

But Mr. Totten is not
suspended by a hair.

(SHUSHING)

ASTHMA: Uh-uh.

No secrets,
boys, talk upstairs.

I thought you'd see it.

Don't you agree,
Dr. Gurkakoff?

What did you say?

I said, don't you agree?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.
A danger very often
overhangs the unsuspecting.

What kind of jive is that?

If you're gonna talk,
talk so we can dig it.

Oh, I'm sorry. We'll try.

Dr. Gurkakoff?

Yeah?

What was that about
the Roman fleet
and Archimedes?

I don't remember.

You know, it's not exactly...

Why, he set it afire
with the use of reflectors.

You can talk just
as well sitting down,
can't you?

Yes, yes.

POTTS: I find that
vastly instructive,
don't you, Dr. Gurkakoff?

Extremely enlightening.

Uh, Potts, you were saying...

Yes.

Now if I... May I stand?

PASTRAMI: Sure,
if it's gonna help.

Thank you, it will a lot.

Uh, now, if I may have
your attention
for a few moments.

Gentlemen,
you see your inferiority
is a question

of the bony
structure of your skulls.

What's the matter
with our skulls?

POTTS: Oh, now,
just listen, please.

Let us take
the glandular
syncopation of your eyes.

Kindly look at me,
both of you.

It's very important.

They are
the doliocephalic and
the brachiocephalic

with a somewhat
Mediterranean estrafuge.

Now try to follow me closely.

Now, the double smorgasbord
of your chins, for instance,

convexing into
the cataclysmic protoplasm...

Am I boring you?

I don't get it.

Now, the latest
centrifugal research

as performed
by Bronxville scientists
has proven

that syllogism is
enigmatic to prolonged

resistance,
especially in the cavalry.

Now take your ears.
The totalitarian mastoid

of their basic
lobes prematurely

extricated from
the paranoiac agriculture

and molecular cadenzas...

Get down to it.

What's wrong with us?

Oh, uh, nothing.

You're just fine.
Everything's fine.

Now, on one hand we have
the sword of Damocles,

and on the other
hand we have...

Professor Quintana,
would you look up something

in Tate's
Oriental Philosophy
for me?

I think I saw it last
on your desk.

Yes, yes.

Uh, line one, chapter seven.

Yes.

(STAMMERING)
Do you mind?

Hey, this mixed-up talk
is giving me a headache.

All that book talk.
That's a lot of mahaha.

I assure you this is
not a lot of mahaha.

This is...

I'II show you
what makes
the world go round.

Uh, kind of spread out
a little bit, will you?

(YELLING)

PROFESSOR: My globe! My globe!

Me, I don't like globes.

Now me.

I saw me a picture last week.

There's gonna be a lot
of trash tomorrow, sister.

If there is
any tomorrow, brother.

(GLASS BREAKING)

(ASTHMA WHOOPING)

(PASTRAMI LAUGHING)

(GUNS FIRING)

Ain't there some more
of them things around?

Oh, don't get up,
please, just...

Please.

What's the matter
with all of you?

We thought...

Young man.

PASTRAMI: What do you want?

Uh, do you think
you could shoot this dime

if I held it
between my fingers?

Why, sure.

(VOICE CRACKING)
I mean...

l mean from where
you were sitting.

Okay.

All right, put it up.

Perhaps we'd better use
a quarter.

Well, that's twice as easy.

Oh, I'm glad.

Or maybe even
a 50-cent piece?

He's not as dumb as he looks.

Oh, has anyone change for $1?

PASTRAMI: Never mind,
never mind.

A quarter will do. Put it up.

Oh, no, I can get change.

Never mind, put it up.

(SHOUTING)

I've got him!

PROFESSOR #1:
Hold him, hold him.

PROFESSOR #2:
I've got him.

(HORN HONKING)

New Jersey?
That's an awful big order.

Whereabouts in Jersey?

You just keep on driving.

Further orders
will be forthcoming.

I warned you, Miss Totten,
you should never
have come along.

It may be very dangerous.

This is my encyclopedia,
and I am going
to stick with it.

I've never had
so much fun in my life.

(HORN HONKING)

How are they doing inside?

Are we ready?

Shall we start
the torture now?

Just one moment.

First, we are going to
give him just one chance
to talk.

Where is that ceremony
taking place?

Listen, monkey,

I've been given
the third degree
by all kinds of cops.

All over.

But not by us.

You will see,
I am an authority
on Chinese tortures.

(LAUGHING)
That tickles!

Are you ready,
Dr. Gurkakoff?

That's right.

Now, between
the 12th and 13th vertebra.

No! No! No!

Hold his head down.

Hey, cut it out!

Stop it, will you? Look out.

No, no, no.

Will you cut it out? Stop it.

No! No!

Around and around.

All right, all right!

All right, I'II talk!
I'll talk.

Oh! They're in Fulham,
New Jersey.

Fulham, New Jersey.

Fulham, New Jersey.

Shortest route,
Bloomfield, Pine Brook,
Mine Hills, Allamuchy.

JUSTICE OF THE PEACE:
And now repeat after me.

I, Joseph Lilac.

I, Joseph Lilac.

Loud, please.

I, Joseph Lilac...

Head of Murder Incorporated.

Quiet.

Take thee,
Katherine O'Shea.

Take thee,
Katherine O'Shea...

Who hates and despises you.

Loathes you.
To be my lawful
wedded wife.

To be my lawful wedded wife.

For better or for worse.

For better or for worse.

For worse.

For richer or poorer,
in sickness and in health.

For richer or for poorer,
in sickness and in health...

I'm sick right now.
Cut it out.

What?
Never mind. Keep going.

Huh?
Keep going!

To love and to cherish
until death do us part.

They'll put you in the chair
and fry you like...

(PROFESSORS SINGING)

And now repeat after me.

I, Katherine O'Shea.

I said, repeat after me.

I, Katherine O'Shea.

Come on, come on, Sugie.
It's just a parade
or something.

Is it? Just wait and see.

What is this?

(VOICE CRACKING) I believe...

I think it is
known as an upstick.

A stickup.
Put 'em up.

Hold up your hands.
Hold 'em up!

Back door!
Don't do that!

I didn't mean it.

Hold 'em up there.
Hold 'em up!

I mean it! I mean it.

Come on, now.

Put 'em up.
Put 'em up. I mean it.

Get his gun, get his gun.

All right, Joe.
Put up your dukes.

Okay, Bertram.

Come on, Bertram.

(SIRENS WAILING)

(CHEERING)

This load of garbage
goes to the DA's office.

Something must
have went wrong, boss.

Listen,
you squirrelly cherubs,

you eight wise idiots,
it wouldn't work.

Remember, Pottsy,
no women aboard.

And now, above all women,
you want to take
a dizzy dame like me.

If you'll allow me,
I can prove to you

the inevitability
of this step

by higher mathematics.

I can cite
examples from history.

Or from geography,
two rivers
converging irresistibly.

Yes, indeed.

PEAGRAM: I can prove it by
examples from literature.

MAGENBRUCH: Physiology.
ROBINSON: By law.

All of them.

Gentlemen.

As a grammarian,
I know when words
cease to be of use.

There remains one argument.

Come here, dear.

Oh, no, please, Pottsy.

Get up, darling.

But, Pottsy...

It isn't fair.
It isn't?

No. It is not fair.

Oh, my goodness, Bertram.

Remember the Anemone...

(SHUSHING)

(CLICKING TONGUES)

♪♪