Original subtitles

(SQUAWKING)

(BRAYS)

(DONKEY GRUNTS)

(GOAT BLEATS)

That's good, is it? The drinking?

Mmm. As long as it doesn't run away with you.

(INHALES)

It's been a bumpy month or two.

Sunshine in a glass.

Oh. Hello, darlings.

I've just sat down.

LOUISA: Good day at work?

I X-rayed a woman who had a furball stuck in her oesophagus.

We think she's been licking her cat.

And I can't talk about my work. It's confidential.

Oh, thank goodness.

- Except to say that... - Here we go.

...there's on less shoplifter called Alexei Steliotopoulous

plying his trade since this morning.

Oh, I'm proud of you, darling.

Just don't do anything brave, please. Ever.

Oh, telegram from Larry, from Athens.

Postman gave me it.

"Athens is fulgent.

"Met Indian prince Jeejeebuoy.

"He arrives tomorrow. Short stay."

We have a prince coming to stay?

Well, I hope his immigration papers are in order.

You know, a tiara does not constitute a valid passport.

But royalty. Maybe he'll come on an elephant.

We're not making any concessions just because he's a silly prince.

But no harm in a quick spring-clean.

Oh, yes, good.

You three can start on the garden.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh, please check Roger for fleas.

I'm studying.

Oh, thank you. I'm so pleased.

Finally.

We're immune.

Don't want to give minor royalty a rash.

There we are.

Typical of Larry, to dump someone on us.

- Well, we did live in India, after all. - Well,

I'm going to work.

Leslie was born in India, Lugaretzia.

In the Punjab.

You are Indian?

Well, not really.

But it's all fluid, isn't it, these days?

We're here, Margo's boyfriend is Turkish

and Leslie's having a baby with a Greek girl.

Do try to get to know Daphne better. Especially now that you've got

a responsible job you could be proud of.

I've tried, but her family is so angry with me for not marrying her.

Can't do any more.

(CAR HONKS)

Good morning, Officer.

Don't you dare kick my wheels.

Policed to meet you.

This is Daryl. Margo says you have a maharaja coming to stay.

Yes. Larry's started picking up exotic friends.

But why stop at exotic animals?

- (CHUCKLES) - I come bearing shrimps.

Oh, perfect. I can make shrimp mango pulao for Prince Jeejeebuoy.

No, they are for Gerry's flamingoes.

Shall I get the champagne for your special visitor?

No, no, no, he will live like the rest of us.

Actually, Larry might like some,

so, yes, thank you.

Do pick up a crate.

(WOMAN LAUGHS)

I feel buzzled.

Almost dead anyway... (MUMBLES)

All along...

(SNORES)

Captain Creech.

- Huh? - Captain Creech!

Yes, er...

Only just.

Can I help you up?

What's the point?

Perhaps I could find you a nicer gutter,

with a view.

We will feed one shrimps, the other, not,

to see if it affects their colour.

So, are there many animals whose colour changes with what they eat?

Yes, salmon, goldfinches, also from carotenoids.

You know she's stopped fretting about my education,

now I take my books with me everywhere.

What's really in there? Dormice?

A weasel?

(SQUAWKS)

- (BELL RINGS) - So, how'd you end up here?

Oh.

Chasing a popsy, mellifluous arse.

Bosoms lagging far behind.

Perfectly acceptable.

Aren't you a bit old for that?

Well, turns out, I am.

So many luscious beauties have slipped through my fingers.

How is your mother?

Fidgety at the prospect of grandmotherhood.

Otherwise, rather well.

I am at rock-bottom.

I don't have a pot to piss in.

Although, out the window works just as well, I find.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I hate to sound like a bank manager,

but haven't you any savings put by?

I have my boat in Corfu.

The one I stand up in.

I tried to kill myself, you know?

But I couldn't.

Well, that's ironic.

I imagine many people have wanted to kill you over the years.

(SNICKERS)

MARGO: Relax.

He'll probably be one of those modern Royals who love normality.

- It's not normal here. - (BLEATING)

There's a zoo.

Lugaretzia will call him something awful

and he'll be expecting a lavatory that isn't open to the elements.

- Are you all right? - Yes.

Of course, I am.

Gerry!

He's just drawn animals and written daft stories.

Mom, what do you expect? Latin declensiables?

That's not right, is it?

"The huge hairy animal, madabau."

And he spells like a half-wit.

"A hooly mackerel, a grey baboon, my fav-o-rit, he sayed..."

Gerry, you solemnly promised that you were studying.

There is no actual work here.

Look, certain is not spelled S-U-R-T-E-N.

- It should be though, shouldn't it? - That's not good enough.

You need the structure of a school

where you can make friends with people your own age.

I am not going to a horrible English boarding school

that smells of fear and sick.

No, of course you're not.

I'll find you a school here.

Royalty, coming up the garden path!

Hello.

You must be Mrs Durrell.

Such charm.

Leslie, the hunter.

Hi.

Margo, the beauty of the island.

Naturalist par excellence, Gerry.

And Lugaretzia.

- The cleaner. - Ah.

Thank you for letting me stay.

It makes me very hot to see you all.

- We're honoured to welcome you. - (LESLIE CHUCKLES)

We've had to scrub the house.

The animals have left a lot of worrying stains.

May I offer you a welcoming glass of champagne, Your Highness?

No! Oh, no.

- Have you forgotten something? - Your elephant?

No. It's my foolish name.

My mother named me Prince.

Her attempt to make our humble family sound royal.

- Oh. - That is brilliant.

I'm gonna name my son King.

If I'm allowed a say in the name.

So, what do we call you?

My friends call me Jeejee.

Shall I give back the rest of the champagne?

No.

Mrs Durrell,

I'll try to make amends by being a most entertaining guest.

JEEJEE: The tiger padded into the room.

We froze,

hoping that if he attacked anybody, it would be Major Ponsonby,

- whom nobody liked. - (LAUGHING)

But it turned towards me.

I vowed that if I escaped,

I would live as if each day were my last.

(SIGHS) Why is he such a joy?

He loves life.

And he's on the side of the angels.

Gerry, you have a beautiful future.

You understand that animals are our simpler, better selves.

They teach us so much.

From how to sit quietly, to how to eat your food with elegance.

I don't think Mother agrees with you.

Look, Gerry, that's not fair.

I've given you freedom most boys only dream about.

So, why take it away now?

It's a school, not a house of correction.

What's the difference?

The age-old dichotomy between formal education

and learning from what my mother calls, "fannying about."

(LAUGHS)

Yes. None of my children liked school.

Leslie took his uniform into the garden and shot it.

You've created a special family.

Yes, I have, haven't I?

Thank you.

I'm remembering how lovely it can be to have guests.

(CAR HONKS)

- Jeejee! - Larry!

Thank you. I love your family.

Oh, these aren't mine. You've come to the wrong house.

Humour as a deflective modesty reflex.

Yes. Yes.

How was Athens?

Full of good things.

I loved the old ruins so much

I brought one back.

He's homeless and destitute.

Yes, of course he is.

He's a drunken old lech. Nobody wants him in the house.

I found him at death's door.

Shall I bury him in the quarry, Mrs Durrells?

No.

Oh. Nice to be talked about.

Or are you discussing how to get rid of me?

Yes. That's one of the choices.

Tell Mother about karma.

Rebuff him, Mrs Durrell, and it may come back to bite you in the afterlife.

It's rather full here.

But you can stay for a day or two.

You'll have to have Gerry's room.

With the bugs and the rotting stuff, at that.

Oh! Is that a barely-crested grebe?

By then, the water was up to my arsehole,

a soothing balm for my dysentery,

but bad news in the middle of cocking Baffin Bay, hmm?

Talk about a grim north-west passage, eh?

Huh? (LAUGHS BOISTEROUSLY)

(LAUGHS)

I fear these need a scrub, my dear.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

English today. I must practice.

I do not like to arrest people.

- Are you in the right job? - No.

But being a baker turned me into a whale.

- Oh, come on. We'll trot along. - No!

Daphne.

I want us to be friends.

How could we? You are abandoning me.

I'm not.

So marry me, then the baby can have a respectable life.

But that's not fair.

Daphne...

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Mrs Durrell. Nothing medical, I hope.

No, I am very well.

Although less so, now Captain Creech is staying with us.

MARGO: Well, this'll cheer you up.

Look. We had a quiet day at work, so we X-rayed a rabbit wearing glasses.

(CHUCKLES)

Can I ask your advice about Gerry?

I want to find him a local school.

- Oh. - And this is a fish with an earring.

(SNICKERS)

Let's try to look like professionals.

As you know, Gerry hated school in England.

So, I need somewhere that's welcoming but not too lax.

And sporty, because his interests are a bit narrow.

- Mrs Durrell... - But he loves writing.

So, a school with a creative ethos would be...

There's only one school he can go to.

- Oh. - The nearest one.

And you'll both have to be interviewed by the headmistress

who'll test Gerry's Greek.

Ah...

I love having him around the house,

but a school's a good idea, isn't it?

Why not? He's fiercely intelligent.

Anywhere would be lucky to have him.

- (BABY GIGGLES) - (SPEAKING GREEK)

Well, let's leave it. If they're not sleeping, they're shouting.

We can't just leave it.

Nope.

Mrs Petridis.

Have you mislaid a baby?

Thank you!

I put him in the shade, but I couldn't remember where.

At least he didn't roll down a hill this time.

Yeah. I won't charge you with neglect on this occasion.

Thank you.

(BABY LAUGHS)

(GOAT BLEATS)

I am restored! Ha!

Good. But do try to stay on the straight and narrow.

Well, I will if you will.

We, uh, both have a bent for, uh,

liquid indulgence, hmm?

Oh, I think she's an amateur compared to you.

So, who will buy my boat?

I've never seen the appeal.

Water, wind, seagulls.

Chunky knitwear.

Oh, don't listen.

Les and I are dying to do some sailing.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)

Oh. I like you more and more, my boy.

There.

Twenty pounds, go on.

Arrest me, I'm robbing myself.

It's not even worth 20 bob.

If you knew anything about boats...

I do, I do!

You would appreciate her solid qualities.

I love it. You suddenly realise you can go anywhere.

What a fine fellow you are.

And this boat's like... Well, it's like you, Creech.

Barnacled, leaking...

Yes, I do do that.

But heroically holding on to existence.

- I'll buy it. - What?

- (LAUGHS) - Hooray!

You don't even know how to sail.

But what an opportunity to start.

The captain will teach me.

(LAUGHS) Will I bollocks.

Cheer up.

My brother, having waltzed at the ball with an eminent European lady

led her back to her seat,

took her fan, and said,

"Madam, may I make wind in your face?"

(ALL LAUGHING)

(SIGHS) India enchanted us.

That's why it was so hard to settle down in Bournemouth.

Too many memories of warm nights,

and fireflies, and music.

And your father,

coming home late from building bridges to find you all in bed

fighting sleep so you could tell him about your day.

Applause for the chef.

- (ALL APPLAUDING) - Well done, Mummy.

The curry was just missing some Bombay duck.

You can't get it on Corfu.

Use the local duck.

It's not duck, uh, it's dried lizard fish.

I'll find a substitute.

What are your plans after us, Jeejee?

I'm on route to Persia

to visit a famous holy man. A fakir.

To prepare, after this meal I'll fast for four days

to aid meditation into a trance.

I'll fast, too. I'm intensely spiritual.

No, I can't fast.

I'm too busy righting wrongs out there on the street.

Creech! I thought it was quiet.

Yes, I've just been snoozing off the boozing.

(LAUGHS)

Forgive me, Mrs Durrell, but I think you drink too much.

The body is a precision instrument.

To take alcohol is like pouring treacle into an expensive piano.

Oh, nonsense. Leave the girl alone.

Do you think it's easy trying to run a ship...

Er, house?

- Thank you. - Hmm.

And now...

Oh, right. Let's have a sing-song, shall we?

I'll start off, and you join in.

What?

# Oh, Mary she's a sailor's lass to me

# Hooker John, Hoo-John!

# We courted all night on the grass

# To me Hooker John, Hoo-John!

# Oh, Susanna

# Way, hay, high high-ya

#Johnny's on the foreyard...

Have you noticed,

it's like mother's good angel and her bad angel.

Wonder who's going to win.

# Yonder, way up yonder #

LESLIE: He's so skinny, he'll blow into the sea.

Especially after two days of fasting.

I wonder if its making him less judgmental.

Its making him beautifully calm.

- (MARGO GRUNTS) - (WHACKING)

LAWRENCE: I wonder why it's not been the same to Margo.

What are you staring at?

(GRUNTS)

Don't kill each other.

And stay away from Albania.

LESLIE: Watch and learn from me at first.

(IMITATING) Watch and learn from me at first.

I was hungry in the night, and I ate one of the locusts.

Don't tell the boy.

No. First pull on the vang.

- What's the vang? - It's on the end of the gaff.

I told you what everything is.

You're too busy posing in your blouse.

I will arrest you if you touch that rope again.

This is my boat.

So can you stop for one second

(SCREAMS) being a policeman?

Oh, fine. No, no, fine.

I'll leave you to it, shall I?

I would adore that.

Yeah.

I don't think you'll find any lizard fish here.

For your Bombay duck thing.

I'll dry whatever I catch.

Let's talk about school.

I'm going to test you some more on your Greek.

You must impress your headmistress, or your mother will be broken into two.

Greek for school?

- Schoolopolis. - So close.

- Really? - No.

Greek for mathematics?

Mathenapolous.

Almost there.

- Is it? - No.

(MARGO GROANS)

Oh, darling, please eat something. Fasting doesn't agree with you.

No, it's spiritually cleansing.

Well, you did eat those five biscuits at lunch yesterday.

Ah. This is harder than childbirth.

Right.

Er, mm-mmm. No.

Lugaretzia.

(GAGGING)

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

LOUISA: Oh, hello.

Fish, for drying.

Oh.

You don't like him no more?

I do.

But I don't like being told off in front of my family.

(PEOPLE CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY)

What's going on down there?

It looks illegal.

Never mind. Live and let live.

Isn't that Daphne's father?

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Leslie.

Well, Junior Constable Durrell, strictly speaking.

Yassas.

Jeejee. Margo!

Oh. No wonder he fainted. It smells hideous.

No, it's the fasting.

He's too thin.

I'm cooking you a very big lunch.

I'm sure enlightenment is also possible on a full stomach.

- Please tell me to shut up, but... - Shut up.

Thank you, Jeejee, but I am old enough to make up my own mind.

Of course, you are.

Now, finish that fizzy tosh,

and move on to this.

Oh, I'm fine, thank you.

They say it goes with this.

If you're a girly.

- Oh. - JEEJEE: Leslie.

Hi, Jeejee.

There's a stink in the garden.

Yes, Jeejee is drying sardines to make Bombay duck.

Mummy, come here.

Why are you taking me over here, darling?

I found out that Daphne's father

is involved in smuggling cigarettes.

Oh, no.

I don't know whether to report him.

What happens if you don't?

If I'm caught, I lose my job.

Oh, darling, come eat.

Now, try that.

- Mmm! - (CHUCKLES)

Are you okay, Ms Margo?

I was fasting and then I ate a whole pie.

And that's another reason why I love it here.

Travellers pass through. You,

my Swedish friend Sven.

And Hugh, of course. Or "Huge", depending on who you talk to.

(SNICKERS)

Oh, there there was something missing.

Oh, and recently, in London...

- Spiros. - Hello, Jeejees.

Ms Durrells, your car awaits.

Oh, where are we going? I do love surprises.

I am taking you and Gerrys to meet the headmistress of the school.

Oh...

I forgot! God, I am an idiot.

I would advise you to postpone the encounter, Mrs Durrell.

- Or, shall we just get it over with? - Yes.

It's vital he gets a bloody good education.

I think the bad angel is winning.

Ah.

Albania?

Oh. Let's not go that way.

(WOOD BREAKS)

(SIGHS)

Bugger.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

That's all Greek to me.

(GIGGLES AND HICCUPS) Ooh.

Oh, I do apologise.

You know, I think... Don't you,

that a school is, is like a greenhouse.

Carry on.

Do you want to get some air, Mother?

No. No, darling, there's plenty of that in here.

My mother has a lot of guests

at the moment, and they can be quite a handful.

Late nights, that kind of thing.

My fakir Andravadi is an amazing man.

He was once buried alive for 120 days.

- Oh, how awful. - No. It was deliberate.

- Ah. - He was in a trance.

I've experienced it myself.

- Is it magical? - It is.

You feel you're floating.

- Indeed, real levitation does occur. - Wow.

It is a paradox that most of us love the world,

but wish somehow to escape its bounds.

Hmm, like mother's drinking.

Indeed. I fear I offended her.

It is, after all, another form of trance.

I wonder if she's come out of it yet.

And would I be able to bring my dog Roger in?

- No. - Really?

He's now fully free of fleas.

That's not easy to say. (SNICKERS)

I'm afraid you will not be coming to this school.

What? Why?

It's not your son's fault, though his Greek is limited.

It is yours.

(SNORES)

Oh.

Hello, dear.

Must get on,

people to annoy. (COUGHS)

Oh.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Please, Daphne,

may I talk to you?

Yes.

I don't know if your father said anything about this morning.

He did.

I'm not going to tell anyone.

Thank you.

I won't tell anyone even if it costs me my job.

Because whether you like it or not, we will be family.

It's me who wants us to be a real family.

You need to be in love for that.

Bloody teachers. Always judging everyone.

I know. Outrageous.

You know, Creech is right.

The finger-waggers will always be with us.

Well, I can't have a drink now, is that it?

Jeejee's... You need to come, he's in a trance.

Gerry, run upstairs and try to grab him.

Margo, bring cushions.

That doesn't look very safe.

Why don't you and I...

(GASPS) Jeejee!

- Oh, God! - (THUDS)

Speak to me.

Please.

There we go.

Let's both try to be more normal.

- Did the pelican get you? - No, he fell onto the pergola.

- I am going to try it again. - Please don't.

Has anyone seen Larry?

No, not since I left him on his boat, which he can't sail, by the way.

He was so annoying. I just left him there.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Hello, Albanians.

I am British.

But think of me, above all,

as a friend

- of Albania. - (MAN SPEAKS ALBANIAN)

(MEN TALK INDISTINCTLY IN DISTANCE)

(LARRY SHOUTS)

It's bloody easy when you know how, isn't it?

This sailing?

Bloody easy!

MEN: Bloody easy!

(SPEAKING IN ALBANIAN)

I'm back! Oh!

Sorry, you must have been really worried.

Yes, yes. Don't do that again.

I drifted. But I was in safe hands.

Albanians are fantastic people.

Ah, good! Let's send Gerry to school there.

He didn't get in. Why?

He bang on about bugs or otter crap till she snapped?

No. I ruined it by turning up drunk.

Oh, come on, that is quite funny.

No, it's not. I keep messing up Gerry's education.

And I've been drinking like a fish since Aunty died,

and Leslie made a baby nobody wants.

Poor little mite.

Exactly. That's why you're drinking, to numb the pain.

You're a fine mother.

And a generous host to whomever I throw at you.

No more guests, please.

Unless they're like Jeejeebuoy.

He's sweetened our lives so much,

unlike our sailor friend.

I can't for a moment imagine why I listen to Creech over him.

Yeah, that was stupid.

Well, I've given up alcohol, again.

Well, I haven't. In fact, I need one right now.

I was scared back there.

We're heading for war in Europe,

and I panic at the sight of some delightful Albanian fishermen.

It's not me that stinks of fish, is it?

I think it must be, darling.

(SQUAWKING)

We are ready to record the results.

It's a black and white photograph, of course,

but we'll get the idea.

When you feel the urge to have a tipple,

adopt this meditative position.

Now,

think of a word to say over and over.

Something simple.

Grandmother.

- Grand... - Don't say it out loud.

Possibly a word with fewer syllables?

How about fish?

Try something unrelated to what's on your mind.

Om...

(HUMMING)

I was unfair, Gerry.

You're a lovely writer.

- Thank you. - But Larry writes to dazzle.

You write to entertain.

And your spelling makes me laugh out loud.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, this is my scientific report.

To show that I'm doing fine without school.

Oh, well, thank you.

I shall read it with interest.

I'm so sorry for yesterday.

I can't promise I'll never embarrass you again.

But I won't do it for a while.

(GOAT BLEATS)

(MURMURS IN GREEK)

The sardines smell dead.

I know, and Zoltan's coming.

He vomits at the drop of a hat.

LUGARETZIA: Quick!

Oh, oh.

LUGARETZIA: Ah! (MURMURS)

Close your eyes and make your chin go floppy.

Chin is floppy.

Ugh, you do it.

You would benefit from meditation.

Because you have a stressful job.

Oh, I have. Don't even get me started.

Om.

Er...

- Quick, quick. - Wait, Margo, please.

The fish go first.

Ignore us, Daphne, we're just burying some fish.

(LUGARETZIA GROANS)

Quick!

Hello, Daphne.

Hello.

(LUGARETZIA MUMBLES INDISTINCTLY)

Thank you, Leslie.

Hello, sir.

Welcome to the family.

Welcome to mine.

I'm not perfect, but my daughter is.

Er, please.

Tea for our guests?

Thank you, Lugaretzia.

Oh, hello.

- Hello, Larry? - Larry!

Albania.

Champagne?

No.

Mother's ruin.

Look right here. Photograph.

No, kill it. Make a handbag.

And I've changed my mind.

I love having guests.

What are we humans for otherwise?

Trains, moving forward on tracks that never touch.

Mrs Durrells. I was worried about you.

Thank you.

I'm fine now.

I blame myself for buying the bubbly.

Well, it's all gone now.

And to be honest,

I had a backup vat of cooking sherry.

CREECH: Ah.

Hmm.

Well, tragically, dear lady, I...

- I must depart. - Hmm.

You, er, saved my life.

Well, that was rather gracious.

- Thank you. - Hmm.

Anyway, won't be so much fun around here

now the loopy Indian's buggering off, eh?

(LAUGHS)

I knew it couldn't last.

And as they say at sea,

one should always leave before they count the cutlery.

And I'm very pleased to tell you that I've finally beaten the demon drink.

Gosh, but how?

Well, I watched you pour it down your neck all this week,

and realized, frankly, it's all a bit unsavoury.

Not really the kind of thing I'd like to see in a lady.

Shall I strike him?

There's a line of people ahead of you.

Shall we say goodbye, Captain?

Eh, rather inhospitable.

Got any, er, tucker for the journey?

No? No.

Well, I didn't see much of you, Jeejee.

- But I hear you went down a storm. - Ah.

I fear I lost credibility when I became lodged in your greenery.

- (ALL LAUGHING) - No,

we thought that was your finest hour.

Oh, Prince.

It's been a joy.

And if ever you want to be a fifth Durrell child,

don't hesitate.

I'm still amazed that seagulls managed to eat all my dried fish.

- LESLIE: Shocking. - I know.

Good luck with your fakir. Send us a photograph of you levitating.

Daphne agrees that we should call our baby King.

- No, I don't. - Or we might go for Count, or Doctor.

Please, all, visit me in India.

Gerry, I'm sure I can rustle up a tiger.

GERRY: Bye! LOUISA: Bye, Jeejee!

Well, that's two guests gone.

Now there's just your 54 unwanted animals to go.

Oh, always funny.

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

But in fact, there are a couple whose work is done.

So...

Room for some more now.

It's been so quiet since our guests left.

Hmm. Don't worry, I've got a batch coming over.

SPIROS: Oi, Lugaretzia.

(SPIROS SPEAKING IN GREEK)

(MEN SPEAKING GREEK)

"Greetings.

"From the bottom of my heart, via a friend in Colombia,

"to my kind hosts.

- "Jeejee." - Oh.

That is the weirdest monkey.

Have I been drinking again or does it look like that?

It's a sloth.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)