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1
00:00:08,259 --> 00:00:09,639
-SHIRLEY: Miriam!
-Ah!
2
00:00:09,677 --> 00:00:11,637
-There's a man on the phone.
-What man? Who is it?
3
00:00:11,679 --> 00:00:13,349
A mean man, an angry man.
4
00:00:13,389 --> 00:00:15,729
He says if you're not
on the subway in ten minutes,
5
00:00:15,766 --> 00:00:17,096
-you'll be late.
-What time is it?
6
00:00:17,143 --> 00:00:19,273
"Get her ass
on that fuckin' subway!"
7
00:00:19,311 --> 00:00:21,731
-And that's one of
the nicer things he said to me.
-Tell him I'm coming.
8
00:00:21,772 --> 00:00:24,532
-What am I, your secretary?
-I'm coming!
9
00:00:24,567 --> 00:00:26,737
-Who's in the bathroom?!
-And he thought I was a man.
10
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,607
-Moishe, get out of
the bathroom!
-Why in the world
11
00:00:28,654 --> 00:00:30,454
would he think I was a man?
12
00:00:30,489 --> 00:00:31,989
I'm coming, Susie,
I'm coming!
13
00:00:32,032 --> 00:00:33,702
I will be on time, I promise!
14
00:00:33,743 --> 00:00:36,253
Susie? Who would
name a boy Susie?
15
00:00:36,287 --> 00:00:39,117
Hands! Elbow! Foot!
16
00:00:39,165 --> 00:00:41,495
Lox? Hands!
17
00:00:44,879 --> 00:00:46,169
Go, go, go, go, go!
18
00:00:46,213 --> 00:00:48,513
Excuse me! Coming through!
19
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,759
Morning.
20
00:00:50,885 --> 00:00:52,135
-DICKIE: Right on time.
-Told ya.
21
00:00:52,178 --> 00:00:53,508
-IRENE: Morning, guys.
-Hi, Irene.
22
00:00:53,554 --> 00:00:54,854
Let's get a mic check.
23
00:00:54,889 --> 00:00:56,679
Mic check.
Uno, dos. Uno, dos.
24
00:00:56,724 --> 00:00:57,934
Good for me, Dickie.
25
00:00:57,975 --> 00:00:59,595
Let's do it.
Take it from the top, Midge.
26
00:00:59,643 --> 00:01:01,653
-Housewife?
-What else?
-Rolling.
27
00:01:01,687 --> 00:01:05,017
MIDGE:
"Paramus Ford has the best deals
in town.
28
00:01:05,065 --> 00:01:08,025
"They're so good that even
I can understand the savings...
29
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:09,028
and I'm a woman!"
30
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:10,989
Perfecto. Next.
31
00:01:11,030 --> 00:01:13,740
"With its natural mildness
and gorgeous aftertaste,
32
00:01:13,783 --> 00:01:16,453
"more expectant mothers
prefer Pall Mall cigarettes
33
00:01:16,494 --> 00:01:17,914
over any other brand."
34
00:01:17,953 --> 00:01:20,463
-Can they prove that?
-No idea. Next.
35
00:01:20,498 --> 00:01:22,628
"Run to buy hosiery
that never runs,
36
00:01:22,666 --> 00:01:25,666
at B. Altman's nylon sale.
Ends Thursday."
37
00:01:25,711 --> 00:01:27,051
I used to work at B. Altman.
38
00:01:27,087 --> 00:01:28,297
Don't care. Next.
39
00:01:29,423 --> 00:01:31,633
"Bell Brothers Shoes
is opening a brand-new
40
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:35,045
"Staten Island location,
and we're opening with a bang."
41
00:01:35,095 --> 00:01:36,345
-(popping balloon)
-Holy fuck!
42
00:01:36,388 --> 00:01:38,058
-Sorry.
-No one told me about balloons.
43
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:40,058
That is seriously
fucked up, Dickie!
44
00:01:40,100 --> 00:01:41,440
A little warning next time!
45
00:01:41,477 --> 00:01:43,517
The big balloon next to her head
wasn't a tip-off?
46
00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,982
-I'm gonna need a minute.
-SUSIE: She's gonna need
a minute now, Dickie.
47
00:01:46,023 --> 00:01:47,533
This is very upsetting!
48
00:01:47,566 --> 00:01:49,316
Jesus Christ, she's so fragile.
49
00:01:50,361 --> 00:01:52,071
-DICKIE: Great job.
-Thank you, sir.
50
00:01:52,112 --> 00:01:55,622
-Sign here.
-Got another housewife spot
at 12:30, you interested?
51
00:01:55,658 --> 00:01:58,158
We'll take it.
Five bucks, we can retire now.
52
00:01:58,202 --> 00:02:00,252
This game is piecework.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
53
00:02:00,287 --> 00:02:01,577
-Let's go.
-Later, guys.
54
00:02:01,622 --> 00:02:03,872
See you at 12:30.
And don't be late!
55
00:02:03,916 --> 00:02:05,126
Come on.
56
00:02:06,126 --> 00:02:07,286
-Ooh!
-Oh!
57
00:02:07,336 --> 00:02:08,296
-Ooh!
-Hey!
58
00:02:08,337 --> 00:02:10,547
SUSIE:
Studio B!
59
00:02:10,589 --> 00:02:12,469
Midge Maisel, here for her 9:00.
60
00:02:12,508 --> 00:02:14,088
Nice and punctual.
Here's the script.
61
00:02:14,134 --> 00:02:15,594
Thank you, sir.
62
00:02:15,636 --> 00:02:17,466
It's a spot for a business
in the Bronx.
63
00:02:17,513 --> 00:02:19,473
-I'm playing
a four-year-old girl?
-Guess so.
64
00:02:19,515 --> 00:02:21,095
Why didn't you just get
a four-year- old girl?
65
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,891
They can't read.
Check the mic.
66
00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:25,895
(little girl voice): One-two,
one-two, I'm a little girl.
67
00:02:25,938 --> 00:02:27,438
There's my next source
of nightmares.
68
00:02:27,481 --> 00:02:29,441
So it's just you today.
We fill in the dad part later.
69
00:02:29,483 --> 00:02:32,283
-Got it.
-Rolling.
70
00:02:32,319 --> 00:02:34,819
"Look at that. I want it."
71
00:02:34,864 --> 00:02:36,074
Sounds good. Next line?
72
00:02:36,156 --> 00:02:38,866
"It's so big, Daddy."
(normal voice): Wait.
73
00:02:38,909 --> 00:02:40,489
-What.
-Is this pornography?
74
00:02:40,536 --> 00:02:42,076
-It's not pornography.
-Sounds like pornography.
75
00:02:42,162 --> 00:02:44,872
It's not pornography.
Keep going, from the last line.
76
00:02:44,915 --> 00:02:47,245
(little girl voice):
"It's so big, Daddy.
77
00:02:47,293 --> 00:02:48,753
I want to lick it."
78
00:02:48,794 --> 00:02:49,924
(normal voice):
This is pornography.
79
00:02:49,962 --> 00:02:51,672
-Definitely pornography.
-No, no, look,
80
00:02:51,714 --> 00:02:53,174
she's a kid out with her dad,
81
00:02:53,215 --> 00:02:54,675
he's buying her
an ice cream bar.
82
00:02:54,717 --> 00:02:56,427
-At a cathouse.
-Not at a cathouse.
83
00:02:56,468 --> 00:02:58,968
-This is pornography.
-It's not pornography!
84
00:02:59,013 --> 00:03:01,473
Hey, that's my competition!
85
00:03:01,515 --> 00:03:04,015
It's piecework, Dickie.
You do a lot, you make a lot.
86
00:03:04,059 --> 00:03:05,849
12:30, don't forget.
87
00:03:05,895 --> 00:03:08,015
-Hands.
-Belt buckle.
88
00:03:08,063 --> 00:03:09,363
-Breath.
-Heel.
89
00:03:09,398 --> 00:03:11,228
-Tuna fish?
-Elbow.
90
00:03:11,275 --> 00:03:12,935
-Hat.
-Cab?
91
00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:14,855
-Cab.
-Fart.
92
00:03:14,904 --> 00:03:16,614
Hands.
93
00:03:21,911 --> 00:03:23,871
(car honking)
94
00:03:23,913 --> 00:03:26,543
Hey, keep it running.
Wait for us.
95
00:03:29,710 --> 00:03:32,590
MIDGE:
"Soft and gentle,
so comfortable,
96
00:03:32,630 --> 00:03:34,300
"and so easy to carry.
97
00:03:34,340 --> 00:03:37,180
"A month's supply fits easily
into your purse.
98
00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:39,137
"So try Pursettes, ladies.
99
00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:42,008
No one will ever know
who came to visit."
100
00:03:42,056 --> 00:03:43,266
PAT:
Well done.
101
00:03:43,307 --> 00:03:45,557
-Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
-MIDGE: You're very welcome.
102
00:03:45,601 --> 00:03:47,231
-Thanks, Susie.
-All I need is the check.
103
00:03:47,269 --> 00:03:48,599
PAT:
The check?
104
00:03:48,646 --> 00:03:51,766
I thought you understood how
the compensation was gonna work.
105
00:03:55,653 --> 00:03:58,703
-I'll get the door.
-I'll get the door.
106
00:03:58,739 --> 00:04:01,739
(grunts) You told everybody
these things were easy to carry.
107
00:04:01,784 --> 00:04:02,794
Hey!
108
00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,326
For the record,
109
00:04:04,370 --> 00:04:05,910
they said nothing
about paying us in tampons.
110
00:04:05,955 --> 00:04:07,205
A lifetime supply.
111
00:04:07,247 --> 00:04:08,707
Would they do this
to a man, huh?
112
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:11,289
Would they pay him whatever a
tampon equivalent is for a guy?
113
00:04:11,335 --> 00:04:13,415
Men don't even have
a tampon equivalent. Men suck.
114
00:04:13,462 --> 00:04:15,422
Got enough to get
the Rockettes to menopause.
115
00:04:15,464 --> 00:04:17,884
I'll make it work. These things
must have a street value.
116
00:04:17,925 --> 00:04:19,885
You are not selling tampons
on the street.
117
00:04:19,927 --> 00:04:22,217
I'll do what I got to do.
Downtown, driver.
118
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:23,472
-MIDGE: I'm starving.
-SUSIE: Sorry.
119
00:04:23,514 --> 00:04:24,724
-MIDGE: Food.
-SUSIE: Later.
120
00:04:28,602 --> 00:04:30,152
Look out!
121
00:04:30,187 --> 00:04:32,187
-Oh!
-Coming through.
122
00:04:35,526 --> 00:04:36,986
Midge, this is Pete Drummond.
123
00:04:37,027 --> 00:04:39,277
He owns Pete's Mortuary Services
in Brooklyn,
124
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,491
and this is Mrs. Drummond.
125
00:04:40,531 --> 00:04:42,121
Nice to meet you, Mr. Drummond,
Mrs. Drummond.
126
00:04:42,157 --> 00:04:43,907
-Likewise.
-Nice to meet you.
127
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:47,161
Hey, I assume you're past
the point of needing these?
128
00:04:47,204 --> 00:04:48,754
DICKIE:
Pete wrote the spot.
129
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:50,669
I'll let him fill you in
on what he's looking for.
130
00:04:50,708 --> 00:04:52,128
MIDGE:
Wonderful.
131
00:04:52,167 --> 00:04:55,457
It's a husband and wife dealing
with the death of a loved one.
132
00:04:55,504 --> 00:04:57,134
It's such a sensitive matter,
133
00:04:57,172 --> 00:05:00,092
and the performances need
to reflect that sensitivity.
134
00:05:00,134 --> 00:05:01,304
Absolutely.
135
00:05:01,343 --> 00:05:03,263
It's the most sensitive matter
there is.
136
00:05:03,303 --> 00:05:04,763
-Let's try one.
-Rolling.
137
00:05:04,805 --> 00:05:06,715
DICKIE:
Any time, guys.
138
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:09,135
-"Dad's dead."
-(laughing)
139
00:05:09,184 --> 00:05:10,734
I am so sorry.
140
00:05:10,769 --> 00:05:13,439
-This isn't funny.
-MIDGE: I know, it just weirdly
141
00:05:13,480 --> 00:05:16,360
struck me as funny.
I'm so, so sorry.
142
00:05:16,400 --> 00:05:18,860
-Shall we try it again, Midge?
-MIDGE: Absolutely.
143
00:05:18,902 --> 00:05:20,652
-(clears throat)
-"Dad's dead,
144
00:05:20,696 --> 00:05:22,606
and he was my hero."
145
00:05:22,656 --> 00:05:26,366
"Mine, too. What do we do?
It's such a confusing time."
146
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:28,250
JOHNNY:
"Let's call Pete's
Mortuary Services."
147
00:05:28,287 --> 00:05:29,577
MIDGE:
"Good idea.
148
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:31,371
They'll have a slab for Dad."
149
00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:32,785
(laughing):
I'm sorry,
150
00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:35,633
is this not supposed
to be funny?
151
00:05:35,669 --> 00:05:37,459
It's not supposed
to be funny, Midge.
152
00:05:37,504 --> 00:05:39,724
It's about a man
who's passed away.
153
00:05:39,757 --> 00:05:42,717
I'm sorry. This is
so disrespectful. I'm good.
154
00:05:42,760 --> 00:05:44,850
-Let's try again.
-Just take it from
the last couple lines.
155
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,217
Still rolling.
156
00:05:46,263 --> 00:05:48,563
"Let's call Pete's
Mortuary Services."
157
00:05:48,599 --> 00:05:51,729
"Good idea.
They'll have a slab for Dad."
158
00:05:51,769 --> 00:05:53,769
"And they'll come to you,
wherever you are."
159
00:05:53,812 --> 00:05:54,982
"It's such a comfort
160
00:05:55,022 --> 00:05:57,232
"to know that Dad will...
161
00:05:57,274 --> 00:05:59,534
Rest in Pete's."
(laughing)
162
00:05:59,568 --> 00:06:02,398
-(chuckling)
-Let's take five.
163
00:06:04,198 --> 00:06:05,368
Hey!
164
00:06:05,407 --> 00:06:07,827
Door, door, door, door,
door, door, door.
165
00:06:09,286 --> 00:06:12,456
"Ladies, stay fit and trim
the easy way,
166
00:06:12,498 --> 00:06:15,958
with amphetamines,
the pleasantest way to reduce."
167
00:06:16,001 --> 00:06:18,251
And cut. Great job, Midge.
168
00:06:18,295 --> 00:06:21,465
Hey, you got any?
169
00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:25,965
-Food?
-Food.
170
00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:30,268
This week we're on par to make
about what we made last week,
171
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:32,017
-35 bucks or so.
-Not bad.
172
00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:35,099
Gross. Net, food and cabs
ate up half of that.
173
00:06:35,145 --> 00:06:37,015
What're you looking at me for?
You eat, too.
174
00:06:37,064 --> 00:06:38,404
-No more cabs.
-Susie.
175
00:06:38,440 --> 00:06:39,650
They're eating up our profits.
176
00:06:39,691 --> 00:06:41,241
It was your idea
to take a cab today.
177
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:43,606
And it was a bad idea.
No more cabs.
178
00:06:43,654 --> 00:06:46,454
Without cabs, I show up
looking gross and sweaty.
179
00:06:46,490 --> 00:06:48,620
It's fucking radio.
It doesn't matter how you look.
180
00:06:48,659 --> 00:06:51,909
But I'll feel bad, and if I feel
bad, it'll show up in my voice.
181
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:54,164
Okay, but we cannot
lose money doing this.
182
00:06:54,206 --> 00:06:56,536
This is supposed to sustain us
until we go back out on tour.
183
00:06:56,583 --> 00:06:58,753
-Hopefully, that'll be soon.
-Mm.
184
00:06:58,794 --> 00:07:01,264
What a time for Shy Baldwin
to get "exhaustion."
185
00:07:01,296 --> 00:07:03,416
The guy doesn't even
tie his own fucking shoes,
186
00:07:03,465 --> 00:07:06,005
-how exhausted can he be?
-I don't know.
187
00:07:06,051 --> 00:07:09,391
-Pressures of stardom, I guess.
-It's been two months.
188
00:07:09,429 --> 00:07:11,389
He should be rested by now.
189
00:07:11,431 --> 00:07:14,061
We need ketchup. Be right back.
190
00:07:16,436 --> 00:07:19,516
Saturday, nickel on the Tigers,
191
00:07:19,565 --> 00:07:21,355
a dime each on the Cards
and the Reds.
192
00:07:21,400 --> 00:07:22,610
-Cards and the Reds?
-Yeah.
193
00:07:22,651 --> 00:07:24,071
You know they're
playing each other.
194
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:26,241
-I know.
-You're betting
against yourself.
195
00:07:26,280 --> 00:07:28,530
-I got a system.
-Everyone's got a system.
196
00:07:28,574 --> 00:07:30,994
Mine works. I got to go.
197
00:07:33,620 --> 00:07:35,830
-Come on.
-What happened to the ketchup?
198
00:07:35,873 --> 00:07:38,043
I changed my mind.
Grab it to go.
199
00:07:38,083 --> 00:07:40,093
♪ ♪
200
00:07:43,505 --> 00:07:47,125
"Parker makes a girl-sized pen
for my girl-sized hands."
201
00:07:48,468 --> 00:07:50,098
Got it.
202
00:07:50,137 --> 00:07:52,597
"The flowers at Fleishman's
are never droopy.
203
00:07:52,639 --> 00:07:55,059
Trust me, she expects you
to get fresh."
204
00:07:56,518 --> 00:07:58,188
Got it.
205
00:07:58,228 --> 00:08:01,188
"Toffenetti's is the cathedral
of restaurants.
206
00:08:01,231 --> 00:08:04,071
We're famous for our ham."
207
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,859
-Got it.
-You're done, Midge.
208
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:20,834
(Susie and Midge snoring)
209
00:08:20,876 --> 00:08:23,246
We didn't want to leave
the theater. Nobody did.
210
00:08:23,295 --> 00:08:25,455
We floated home,
like dandelions,
211
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:27,545
just floating across
the East River.
212
00:08:27,591 --> 00:08:29,471
-Morning, everyone.
-OTHERS: Morning.
213
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:30,969
We were just telling
your parents
214
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,181
about a wonderful show
we saw last night.
215
00:08:33,222 --> 00:08:35,062
-Bye Bye Birdie. You seen it?
-Heard of it.
216
00:08:35,098 --> 00:08:37,138
It's spectacular, a masterpiece.
217
00:08:37,184 --> 00:08:39,314
So many wonderful melodies,
218
00:08:39,353 --> 00:08:41,023
and they just keep
running through my head.
219
00:08:41,063 --> 00:08:43,443
♪ La-di-di, la-di-di-di,
la-di-dah... ♪
220
00:08:43,482 --> 00:08:45,192
I don't think
that's one of them,
221
00:08:45,234 --> 00:08:47,444
but it does have
some nice tunes.
222
00:08:47,486 --> 00:08:49,486
-It sounds very nice.
-MOISHE: And that actress,
223
00:08:49,529 --> 00:08:52,659
-Chita Rivera. (purrs)
-Oh, Moishe.
224
00:08:52,699 --> 00:08:55,369
Good thing I wear my pants loose
in the crotch. Know what I mean?
225
00:08:55,410 --> 00:08:58,250
-Unfortunately.
-MOISHE: Probably not
your cup of tea,
226
00:08:58,288 --> 00:09:00,168
though, right, Abe?
Bye Bye Birdie?
227
00:09:00,207 --> 00:09:01,577
I know nothing
about the show, Moishe.
228
00:09:01,625 --> 00:09:03,125
MOISHE:
Yes, but I know you,
229
00:09:03,168 --> 00:09:05,338
and I know you wouldn't like
Bye Bye Birdie
230
00:09:05,379 --> 00:09:07,089
because Bye Bye Birdie
is entertaining.
231
00:09:07,130 --> 00:09:10,090
-I know nothing about the show.
-Well, it's a masterpiece.
232
00:09:10,133 --> 00:09:11,893
I'm sure it's
a piece of something.
233
00:09:11,927 --> 00:09:13,217
Tonight, we go to a movie,
234
00:09:13,262 --> 00:09:14,932
it's supposed to be cute,
Where The Boys Are.
235
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,182
I'll tell you
where the boys are.
236
00:09:16,223 --> 00:09:17,643
Attached to the thing
that was saluting
237
00:09:17,683 --> 00:09:19,643
Chita Rivera in Bye Bye Birdie
last night.
238
00:09:19,685 --> 00:09:21,055
(purrs)
239
00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:23,273
You guys are hitting the town
a lot these days.
240
00:09:23,313 --> 00:09:24,903
Well, it's always nice
to venture out,
241
00:09:24,940 --> 00:09:26,530
what with
the close quarters here.
242
00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:28,566
We'll be out of your hair soon,
Moishe, I promise.
243
00:09:28,610 --> 00:09:30,740
I will be, too, Moishe,
it really is just temporary.
244
00:09:30,779 --> 00:09:32,529
Look, we're fine
with what's happening here.
245
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:34,872
We're family, but your father,
246
00:09:34,908 --> 00:09:36,328
he's being stubborn.
247
00:09:36,368 --> 00:09:38,698
I offered to put key money up
for an apartment for them,
248
00:09:38,745 --> 00:09:39,995
but he wouldn't hear of it.
249
00:09:40,038 --> 00:09:41,498
We don't need
your money, Moishe.
250
00:09:41,540 --> 00:09:43,330
MOISHE:
You just fired your maid
of 20 years
251
00:09:43,375 --> 00:09:46,245
and you cried when you did it.
I saw you cry.
252
00:09:46,295 --> 00:09:48,125
I don't need your money
because I just completed
253
00:09:48,171 --> 00:09:49,971
my Abe and Rose
"End of Days" calculations.
254
00:09:50,007 --> 00:09:51,877
Now that they're done,
we can find a place,
255
00:09:51,925 --> 00:09:54,335
get Zelda back part-time,
and we'll be fine.
256
00:09:54,386 --> 00:09:55,756
I'm afraid to ask.
257
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,724
He's worked so hard on this.
Explain it, Abe.
258
00:09:57,764 --> 00:10:00,894
It's quite simple: I've added up
our projected pension
259
00:10:00,934 --> 00:10:04,154
and social security payments,
matched them to our expenses,
260
00:10:04,187 --> 00:10:07,227
adjusted for inflation, and
calculated the numbers of years
261
00:10:07,274 --> 00:10:08,694
your mother and I get to live.
262
00:10:08,734 --> 00:10:10,244
Get to live?
263
00:10:10,277 --> 00:10:13,487
-For me, it's the age of 67.
-But you're 62, so...
264
00:10:13,530 --> 00:10:16,620
-I have to die in five years.
-This is morbid.
265
00:10:16,658 --> 00:10:18,078
I get to live till I'm 69,
266
00:10:18,118 --> 00:10:19,748
assuming I don't get hit
by a bus.
267
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:23,416
Now, obviously, if I die early,
say at age 65,
268
00:10:23,457 --> 00:10:25,377
then those two years
can be added to your mother's.
269
00:10:25,417 --> 00:10:27,707
-ROSE: So I'll get
to live till I'm 71.
-ABE: Either which way,
270
00:10:27,753 --> 00:10:29,763
-I need to be dead by 1965.
-Mm.
271
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,126
Need any help...
272
00:10:31,173 --> 00:10:34,433
(laughs)
♪ La-di-di, la-di-di-dah ♪
273
00:10:34,468 --> 00:10:36,848
♪ La-di-di-dah... ♪
274
00:10:36,887 --> 00:10:40,677
Third base line, fifth row.
Best seats you've ever had.
275
00:10:40,724 --> 00:10:42,984
-What did I do to deserve this?
-What did you do?
276
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,848
I was able to reach you
after offering them
277
00:10:44,895 --> 00:10:46,515
to six other people
who turned me down.
278
00:10:46,563 --> 00:10:48,613
-I'm touched, really.
-(Archie whistling)
279
00:10:48,648 --> 00:10:51,818
DON:
Hey, there he is.
I heard you were camping here.
280
00:10:51,860 --> 00:10:53,820
-Just for the time being, Donny.
-DON: Time being?
281
00:10:53,862 --> 00:10:55,952
-I heard two months.
-But he's at home all the time.
282
00:10:55,989 --> 00:10:57,989
For the kids.
I'm there to put them to bed,
283
00:10:58,033 --> 00:10:59,453
I am there when they wake up,
284
00:10:59,493 --> 00:11:01,753
I am there for every meal,
even snacks.
285
00:11:01,787 --> 00:11:04,747
It's just when Imogene goes to
bed, I come here and go to bed.
286
00:11:04,790 --> 00:11:06,290
With Joel? That's weird.
287
00:11:06,333 --> 00:11:08,383
Not in his bed. In that bed.
288
00:11:08,418 --> 00:11:09,458
With Ethan? That's weirder.
289
00:11:09,503 --> 00:11:10,923
Not when Ethan's here.
When he's here,
290
00:11:10,962 --> 00:11:12,212
I lay out fabric on the floor
291
00:11:12,255 --> 00:11:13,965
and make a pillow
out of bolts of cloth.
292
00:11:14,007 --> 00:11:16,007
-That's weird, too.
-ARCHIE: I can't keep
explaining it, Donny.
293
00:11:16,051 --> 00:11:17,681
They're gonna patch it up
any day, Don.
294
00:11:17,719 --> 00:11:19,639
-That's the point.
-Any day.
295
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:22,269
I hope so 'cause it's weird.
296
00:11:22,307 --> 00:11:24,427
Got to pick up charcoal
for our barbecue this weekend.
297
00:11:24,476 --> 00:11:27,306
-See you tonight, Joel.
-Yeah, see you, Arch.
298
00:11:27,354 --> 00:11:29,984
In case you were wondering, this
is why you were my seventh call.
299
00:11:30,023 --> 00:11:31,943
-(metallic clanging)
-(man shouting)
300
00:11:31,983 --> 00:11:33,613
Uh, Joel.
301
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,119
-What happened?
-He walked headfirst
into the pipe.
302
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,409
It was sitting there
plain as day where it always is,
303
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:44,663
and he walked right into it.
304
00:11:44,704 --> 00:11:46,374
-How hard you hit?
-Am I dead?
305
00:11:46,415 --> 00:11:48,205
-No.
-Then not hard enough.
306
00:11:48,250 --> 00:11:50,670
-Come on, let's stand you up.
-I didn't do anything.
307
00:11:50,710 --> 00:11:52,670
-What?
-The night she kicked me out.
308
00:11:52,712 --> 00:11:54,632
You were there, I did nothing.
309
00:11:54,673 --> 00:11:56,683
And not just 'cause
you socked me in the face.
310
00:11:56,716 --> 00:11:58,676
-I know, Arch.
-I love her, Joel.
311
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:00,798
I love Imogene so much.
I miss her.
312
00:12:00,846 --> 00:12:02,096
Well, have you told her?
313
00:12:02,139 --> 00:12:03,719
It's so cold between us.
I can't.
314
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:06,385
-It'll change.
-She was my first.
315
00:12:06,435 --> 00:12:08,805
-There's never been anyone else.
-Never?
316
00:12:08,854 --> 00:12:10,444
-Never.
-That's weird.
317
00:12:10,480 --> 00:12:12,820
-Can you help in some way?
-I'll get some water.
318
00:12:12,858 --> 00:12:14,568
-She'll come around.
-She won't.
319
00:12:14,609 --> 00:12:18,029
-She will. She misses you, too.
-Did you talk to her? Did Midge?
320
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:21,121
No, but of course she does.
321
00:12:21,158 --> 00:12:23,488
-I'll see you tonight.
-See you tonight.
322
00:12:23,535 --> 00:12:25,745
After I read the kids a story.
323
00:12:27,789 --> 00:12:29,999
I'll make us some tea.
324
00:12:36,339 --> 00:12:38,339
(alarm clock ringing)
325
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,051
(groans)
326
00:12:43,722 --> 00:12:47,102
-Good morning.
-Good morning.
327
00:12:47,142 --> 00:12:49,142
CHESTER:
Good morning.
328
00:12:49,186 --> 00:12:52,266
-SUSIE: Good morning, Chester.
-Sounded like you slept well.
329
00:12:52,314 --> 00:12:54,654
-Was I snoring?
-CHESTER: Or asphyxiating.
330
00:12:54,691 --> 00:12:56,031
Either way, I liked it.
331
00:12:56,067 --> 00:12:58,947
How would you like
your eggs today, Chester?
332
00:12:58,987 --> 00:13:00,447
Raw.
333
00:13:00,489 --> 00:13:03,279
Okay, Jackie, first, how the
fuck you figured subletting
334
00:13:03,325 --> 00:13:05,155
to another person while
I was gone was appropriate,
335
00:13:05,202 --> 00:13:06,372
I don't know.
336
00:13:06,411 --> 00:13:08,621
Second, you sub-sublet to a guy
337
00:13:08,663 --> 00:13:11,083
-who's practically stalking me.
-JACKIE: He didn't say
he knew you.
338
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:14,214
Thought it would be
a deal breaker. Crisscross.
339
00:13:14,252 --> 00:13:17,262
(telephone ringing)
340
00:13:17,297 --> 00:13:18,837
Hello?
341
00:13:18,882 --> 00:13:20,222
SOPHIE (over phone):
I'm excited.
342
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:21,508
Sophie, hi.
343
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,801
Not as excited as I was
for that ménage à trois
344
00:13:23,845 --> 00:13:25,965
with Vincent Price
and Ethel Merman, but close.
345
00:13:26,014 --> 00:13:27,774
Lovely.
346
00:13:27,807 --> 00:13:29,767
-Open your door.
-Open my door?
347
00:13:29,809 --> 00:13:31,189
I've sent you a token.
348
00:13:31,228 --> 00:13:33,478
-Jackie, open the door.
-I think you'll like them.
349
00:13:33,522 --> 00:13:35,772
I hunted and hunted and
finally found the perfect pair.
350
00:13:35,815 --> 00:13:38,145
-Holy shit.
-What is it?
351
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:40,783
Fucking birds.
352
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,200
We got the birds.
353
00:13:42,239 --> 00:13:44,319
-This is a no-pet household.
-Shh.
354
00:13:44,366 --> 00:13:48,576
The birds sing, as you have
given me the gift of song.
355
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,750
Allowing my voice
to soar freely.
356
00:13:51,790 --> 00:13:53,830
It really wasn't necessary.
357
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,545
-It's not fair
if she gets to keep them.
-I'll deal with this.
358
00:13:56,586 --> 00:13:58,666
Look, Chester had a cat,
but I wouldn't allow it,
359
00:13:58,713 --> 00:14:00,423
and he couldn't find someone
to take it,
360
00:14:00,465 --> 00:14:02,425
so he had to drown it
in the Hudson.
361
00:14:02,467 --> 00:14:04,547
Did you read Walter Winchell
last night?
362
00:14:04,594 --> 00:14:06,854
About the buzz surrounding
Miss Julie?
363
00:14:06,888 --> 00:14:09,348
No. Uh, that's great.
364
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:11,351
-He said there's buzz?
-Oh...
365
00:14:11,393 --> 00:14:14,943
I don't know why it took me this
long to trod the boards again.
366
00:14:14,980 --> 00:14:16,980
You are the real thing, Sophie.
You came through.
367
00:14:17,023 --> 00:14:19,403
As did you, my little bird.
368
00:14:19,442 --> 00:14:21,362
I'll see you at the opening,
369
00:14:21,403 --> 00:14:24,323
and we'll take
that bow together.
370
00:14:24,364 --> 00:14:27,584
And by "we," I mean me.
371
00:14:27,617 --> 00:14:29,867
See you at the opening. Bye.
372
00:14:32,789 --> 00:14:34,959
I'm going to the opening
of Miss Julie, too.
373
00:14:35,000 --> 00:14:36,630
You fucking are not.
374
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:39,248
("You'd be So Nice to Come Home
to" by Helen Merrill playing)
375
00:14:42,924 --> 00:14:46,264
♪ You'd be so nice ♪
376
00:14:46,303 --> 00:14:50,523
♪ To come home to ♪
377
00:14:50,557 --> 00:14:54,387
♪ You'd be so nice ♪
378
00:14:54,436 --> 00:14:58,566
♪ By the fire ♪
379
00:14:58,607 --> 00:15:00,357
♪ While the breeze ♪
380
00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,740
♪ On high ♪
381
00:15:02,777 --> 00:15:05,857
♪ Sang a lullaby ♪
382
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:08,065
♪ You'd be all... ♪
383
00:15:08,116 --> 00:15:09,276
Oh, look at that.
384
00:15:09,326 --> 00:15:11,576
-What.
-There, on the floor.
385
00:15:11,620 --> 00:15:13,580
-Is that a dollar?
-I think it is.
386
00:15:13,622 --> 00:15:15,082
You don't see that every day.
387
00:15:15,123 --> 00:15:17,963
Poor sap's gonna miss it when
he realizes he doesn't have it.
388
00:15:18,001 --> 00:15:19,461
I don't know,
it's only a dollar.
389
00:15:19,502 --> 00:15:21,712
Yeah, it's only a dollar.
390
00:15:43,652 --> 00:15:45,242
ANNOUNCER:
59th Street...
391
00:15:45,278 --> 00:15:49,368
This is me.
See you back at the asylum.
392
00:15:49,407 --> 00:15:52,787
Hurry, before the door closes.
393
00:15:57,749 --> 00:15:59,749
(indistinct chatter, laughter)
394
00:16:05,173 --> 00:16:07,803
Your tea, Mrs. Weissman,
395
00:16:07,842 --> 00:16:09,932
and an apricot rugelach
on the house.
396
00:16:09,969 --> 00:16:11,139
You remembered.
397
00:16:11,179 --> 00:16:12,509
Thank you, Darla.
398
00:16:12,555 --> 00:16:14,425
You're not in as much as before,
Mrs. Weissman.
399
00:16:14,474 --> 00:16:17,024
Yes, well, we decided
to give up our apartment.
400
00:16:17,060 --> 00:16:19,560
So big, so drafty.
401
00:16:19,604 --> 00:16:21,614
So now we're in a wonderful
house in Forest Hills.
402
00:16:21,648 --> 00:16:22,818
Do you know it?
403
00:16:22,857 --> 00:16:24,067
That's Queens, isn't it?
404
00:16:24,109 --> 00:16:26,949
Yes, it's Queens.
405
00:16:26,986 --> 00:16:29,316
Here, Darla.
406
00:16:29,364 --> 00:16:33,954
I'll pay now, so you can
go about your tasks.
407
00:16:33,993 --> 00:16:35,953
-I'll bring your change.
-Thank you.
408
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,825
Rose Weissman? Such a stranger.
409
00:16:38,873 --> 00:16:40,753
Oh, hello, Corinne. How are you?
410
00:16:40,792 --> 00:16:43,712
-I'm well. And you?
-Astrid had her baby.
411
00:16:43,753 --> 00:16:45,633
-Boy or girl?
-His bris is tomorrow.
412
00:16:45,672 --> 00:16:47,052
Mazel tov.
413
00:16:47,090 --> 00:16:49,090
When was the last time
we saw each other?
414
00:16:49,134 --> 00:16:51,974
(gasps) Not since
the Benjamin debacle.
415
00:16:52,011 --> 00:16:54,471
Oh, they came so close.
416
00:16:54,514 --> 00:16:55,854
Yes, so close.
417
00:16:55,890 --> 00:16:57,100
CORINNE:
Boy, were we all stunned.
418
00:16:57,142 --> 00:16:59,812
Benjamin Ettenberg,
the Holy Grail of bachelors,
419
00:16:59,853 --> 00:17:01,233
head over heels in love.
420
00:17:01,271 --> 00:17:03,231
So quickly:
marriage, a townhouse.
421
00:17:03,273 --> 00:17:06,233
A townhouse? For him and Miriam?
422
00:17:06,276 --> 00:17:08,396
Big enough for a family.
So gorgeous.
423
00:17:08,445 --> 00:17:09,775
I didn't know.
424
00:17:09,821 --> 00:17:10,991
Well, maybe Miriam
didn't know, either.
425
00:17:11,030 --> 00:17:13,120
-Oh, I just feel so foolish.
-Why?
426
00:17:13,158 --> 00:17:15,118
I was the one who pushed
the two of them together.
427
00:17:15,160 --> 00:17:17,790
-Such a stupid thing.
-Stupid? Please.
428
00:17:17,829 --> 00:17:19,959
-After your track record?
-What track record?
429
00:17:19,998 --> 00:17:21,368
Remember,
430
00:17:21,416 --> 00:17:23,996
you put the Heifetz boy
with the Feinstein girl?
431
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:25,673
Just suggested it at canasta,
432
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:27,922
-and now they have three kids.
-That was one time.
433
00:17:27,964 --> 00:17:29,174
CORINNE:
In the Catskills,
434
00:17:29,215 --> 00:17:31,375
you told Sara Halpern
to dance with Mel Kleinman,
435
00:17:31,426 --> 00:17:33,256
and now they're married
with one on the way.
436
00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:34,513
The list goes on and on.
437
00:17:34,554 --> 00:17:36,684
Really, Corinne, they're all
just shots in the dark.
438
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,983
Well, then you're the
Annie Oakley of matchmaking.
439
00:17:39,017 --> 00:17:40,767
If you could only help my Shira.
440
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,020
She's still on the market?
441
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,521
-She's day-old bread.
-Oh, Corinne.
442
00:17:44,564 --> 00:17:46,404
Well, what can you do?
443
00:17:46,441 --> 00:17:49,781
At least there'll be someone
to look after me in my old age.
444
00:17:49,819 --> 00:17:52,449
It was nice to see you, Rose.
Say hello to Abe?
445
00:17:52,489 --> 00:17:53,779
I will.
446
00:17:53,823 --> 00:17:56,493
-The butcher's boy.
-Beg pardon?
447
00:17:56,534 --> 00:17:59,334
-Melvin Goldfarb.
-He was studying law.
448
00:17:59,370 --> 00:18:01,160
Then he turned
to veterinary medicine.
449
00:18:01,206 --> 00:18:02,536
I didn't know.
450
00:18:02,582 --> 00:18:04,542
And your daughter
has all those cats.
451
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:08,094
Six, and a dog,
and a pot-bellied pig.
452
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,919
You're a natural, Rose.
I'm taking her shopping.
453
00:18:10,965 --> 00:18:12,335
ROSE:
Corinne?
454
00:18:12,383 --> 00:18:15,143
How many floors
455
00:18:15,178 --> 00:18:17,348
to Benjamin's townhouse?
456
00:18:17,388 --> 00:18:20,308
Four, at least, and a yard,
457
00:18:20,350 --> 00:18:23,060
and now it's on the market,
discounted.
458
00:18:23,102 --> 00:18:25,272
So gorgeous. Bye, Rose.
459
00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:27,323
Buh-bye.
460
00:18:31,903 --> 00:18:33,913
(bells tolling)
461
00:18:48,586 --> 00:18:50,756
Simon!
462
00:18:51,798 --> 00:18:54,178
Simon!
463
00:18:54,217 --> 00:18:56,087
(chuckles) Hello.
464
00:18:56,135 --> 00:18:58,135
I got to go.
465
00:18:59,347 --> 00:19:01,347
Simon!
466
00:19:02,767 --> 00:19:05,647
Simon, wait.
467
00:19:05,687 --> 00:19:08,107
Simon!
468
00:19:10,942 --> 00:19:12,612
Excuse me.
469
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:15,032
Simon, wait!
470
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:16,911
It's me, Abe.
471
00:19:16,948 --> 00:19:19,078
Wait!
472
00:19:21,953 --> 00:19:23,963
Simon!
473
00:19:26,124 --> 00:19:30,174
It's Abe Weissman! Wait!
474
00:19:30,211 --> 00:19:34,051
Simon! Simon! Simon!
475
00:19:34,090 --> 00:19:36,050
(chuckling):
Abe.
476
00:19:36,092 --> 00:19:38,092
-What a surprise.
-Hello, Simon.
477
00:19:38,136 --> 00:19:40,046
I thought I'd never
catch up to you.
478
00:19:40,096 --> 00:19:41,466
You're in very good shape.
479
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,814
I play a little squash.
So what can I do for you?
480
00:19:43,850 --> 00:19:46,730
Nothing. I was just taking
a stroll around campus
481
00:19:46,769 --> 00:19:49,189
for old times' sake
and I happened to spot you.
482
00:19:49,230 --> 00:19:50,860
Lucky me.
483
00:19:50,899 --> 00:19:52,149
-How's the family?
-There he is. That's him.
484
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,151
SIMON:
Oh, everyone's fit as a fiddle.
485
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:55,283
-And, uh, your wife?
-SECURITY GUARD: Sir?
486
00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,910
-She's well?
-Uh, sure.
487
00:19:57,947 --> 00:19:59,367
We should get together,
488
00:19:59,407 --> 00:20:01,157
-the four of us.
-We should, we really should.
489
00:20:01,200 --> 00:20:03,240
Before 1965, if possible.
490
00:20:03,286 --> 00:20:04,696
I really have to go now, Abe.
491
00:20:04,746 --> 00:20:07,416
I don't want to keep you.
I just wanted to say hello.
492
00:20:07,457 --> 00:20:09,457
Hello.
493
00:20:09,500 --> 00:20:11,590
Bye.
494
00:20:11,628 --> 00:20:13,628
(lock clicks)
495
00:20:17,300 --> 00:20:20,010
All right, then, gang.
Now let's roll up our sleeves
496
00:20:20,053 --> 00:20:22,563
and see if we can tackle
these vector identities.
497
00:20:22,597 --> 00:20:23,767
Abbie,
498
00:20:23,806 --> 00:20:25,386
why are you working out
this section
499
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:27,443
with a Levi-Civita symbol?
500
00:20:27,477 --> 00:20:29,647
Let us in on your
methodology here.
501
00:20:29,687 --> 00:20:30,857
Hello, everyone.
502
00:20:30,897 --> 00:20:32,647
Professor Weissman.
503
00:20:32,690 --> 00:20:34,980
-Hello, Professor Weissman.
-Hope I'm not disturbing you.
504
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:38,066
-I just wanted to stop by.
-But not to teach?
505
00:20:38,112 --> 00:20:41,822
-That's right, not to teach.
-(sighs)
506
00:20:41,866 --> 00:20:45,496
So good to see all of you.
How are you doing?
507
00:20:45,536 --> 00:20:49,826
Truman, you look well.
Your complexion, it's so clear.
508
00:20:49,874 --> 00:20:52,504
I've been sleeping
wonderfully since...
509
00:20:52,543 --> 00:20:54,923
well, I last saw you.
510
00:20:54,963 --> 00:20:58,223
Good to hear.
Sleep is very important.
511
00:20:58,257 --> 00:21:00,087
-And Kevin.
-Lance.
512
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:03,104
-You're holding yourself well.
-I'm taking boxing lessons.
513
00:21:03,137 --> 00:21:06,057
-Really?
-So that no one
will ever pick on me again.
514
00:21:06,099 --> 00:21:09,229
Wonderful. I wouldn't want
anyone to do that.
515
00:21:09,268 --> 00:21:11,768
And Abbie, you're still here?
516
00:21:11,813 --> 00:21:15,153
-Y-Yes, sir.
-Okay.
517
00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:18,951
Well, these are great boys,
Professor.
518
00:21:18,987 --> 00:21:22,527
They all deserve
their place here,
519
00:21:22,573 --> 00:21:24,373
all but six.
520
00:21:24,409 --> 00:21:26,289
And I just want you to know,
521
00:21:26,327 --> 00:21:29,157
all the angst
that pervaded this room,
522
00:21:29,205 --> 00:21:33,705
all the tsuris it caused,
it was me.
523
00:21:33,751 --> 00:21:36,051
I made you sweat.
524
00:21:36,087 --> 00:21:38,417
I made you nervous.
525
00:21:38,464 --> 00:21:42,224
I made you break out in hives
and run home to your mommies.
526
00:21:42,260 --> 00:21:45,350
For the record, I didn't run.
I didn't.
527
00:21:45,388 --> 00:21:49,228
My ego got in the way.
528
00:21:49,267 --> 00:21:52,557
Teaching is an act
of generosity,
529
00:21:52,603 --> 00:21:57,033
and I was miserly.
530
00:21:57,066 --> 00:21:59,936
But I can't say that
I haven't missed the joy
531
00:21:59,986 --> 00:22:02,736
of Socratic debate with you all.
532
00:22:02,780 --> 00:22:06,620
The pleasure one gets
in witnessing young minds
533
00:22:06,659 --> 00:22:09,289
striving for truth,
the singular wonder of it,
534
00:22:09,328 --> 00:22:12,038
the joy of personal discovery,
535
00:22:12,081 --> 00:22:14,381
with freedom
536
00:22:14,417 --> 00:22:17,417
to make mistakes
and learn from them.
537
00:22:20,548 --> 00:22:25,468
But I think this change of pace
was good for you men.
538
00:22:25,511 --> 00:22:27,971
I see now that
539
00:22:28,014 --> 00:22:31,274
this isn't where I belong.
540
00:22:31,309 --> 00:22:34,899
It's where you belong.
541
00:22:34,937 --> 00:22:38,357
Besides him, him,
him, him, him, and him.
542
00:22:38,399 --> 00:22:40,109
♪ Goodbye... ♪
543
00:22:40,151 --> 00:22:43,491
I'll leave you to it, Professor.
544
00:22:43,529 --> 00:22:45,949
I'll leave you to it.
545
00:22:45,990 --> 00:22:48,450
-Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
-Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
546
00:22:48,493 --> 00:22:49,873
Goodbye, Professor Weissman.
547
00:22:49,911 --> 00:22:52,081
Take care of yourself, sir.
548
00:22:52,121 --> 00:22:53,371
♪ Goodbye... ♪
549
00:22:53,414 --> 00:22:56,004
Goodbye, boys.
550
00:22:56,042 --> 00:22:59,132
Happy lives.
551
00:22:59,170 --> 00:23:01,260
♪ Goodbye. ♪
552
00:23:05,176 --> 00:23:08,756
"It's simply the most flavorful
syrup in the whole wide world.
553
00:23:08,805 --> 00:23:12,975
"Pour it on your pancakes,
your waffle, your French toast.
554
00:23:13,017 --> 00:23:15,647
"Smack your lips
and ask for more.
555
00:23:15,686 --> 00:23:17,186
"Karo Pancake Syrup.
556
00:23:17,230 --> 00:23:21,320
"It's so good. So good.
557
00:23:21,359 --> 00:23:24,149
So good!"
558
00:23:24,195 --> 00:23:25,355
THOMASON:
And cut.
559
00:23:25,404 --> 00:23:28,414
We're happy, very happy.
Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.
560
00:23:28,449 --> 00:23:30,369
You're so welcome.
561
00:23:30,409 --> 00:23:31,909
-She did a great job.
-Thanks, Thomason.
562
00:23:31,953 --> 00:23:34,213
All we need is the check
and we're on our way.
563
00:23:34,247 --> 00:23:35,577
THOMASON:
The check?
564
00:23:35,623 --> 00:23:38,423
I thought you understood how
the compensation was gonna work.
565
00:23:38,459 --> 00:23:40,039
This is heavier
than the tampons.
566
00:23:40,086 --> 00:23:41,336
I think mine's leaking.
567
00:23:41,379 --> 00:23:42,959
You have got to read
the contracts.
568
00:23:43,005 --> 00:23:45,165
I read the contract.
This was not in the contract.
569
00:23:45,216 --> 00:23:47,676
I'm a comedian. When do I
go back to being a comedian?
570
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,508
-Open the door.
-No, you open the door.
571
00:23:49,554 --> 00:23:51,064
(grunts) It's running down
my pants.
572
00:23:51,097 --> 00:23:52,637
-I'll open the door.
-Shit.
573
00:23:52,682 --> 00:23:54,982
I got pancake syrup running down
the inside of my pants.
574
00:23:55,017 --> 00:23:57,267
-It's gonna stain.
-Fuck.
575
00:23:57,311 --> 00:23:59,311
My thighs are sticking
to each other.
576
00:24:00,481 --> 00:24:02,941
"It's just off
the Van Wyck Expressway."
577
00:24:02,984 --> 00:24:05,154
"Then I'm heading
for Ludlows Menswear.
578
00:24:05,194 --> 00:24:07,914
Manhattan vices
at Brooklyn prices."
579
00:24:07,947 --> 00:24:09,407
And we're out. Good job, guys.
580
00:24:09,448 --> 00:24:11,238
-Come on back in.
-That's it for today.
581
00:24:11,284 --> 00:24:12,664
Your girl free tomorrow night?
582
00:24:12,702 --> 00:24:14,372
She's not going out
with you, Dickie.
583
00:24:14,412 --> 00:24:17,462
-For a spot, a live spot.
-A live spot? Fun. For what?
584
00:24:17,498 --> 00:24:20,078
Some lady politician is
sponsoring a live radio event
585
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:21,496
and she wants
live commercials, too.
586
00:24:21,544 --> 00:24:23,504
A woman running for office.
I love that.
587
00:24:23,546 --> 00:24:24,876
IRENE:
She wants a wholesome-sounding
588
00:24:24,922 --> 00:24:26,762
husband and wife to read
whatever the copy is,
589
00:24:26,799 --> 00:24:28,429
-and we thought of you two.
-I'm in.
590
00:24:28,467 --> 00:24:30,427
-Me, too.
-Does it pay?
591
00:24:30,469 --> 00:24:32,259
And not in tampons
or corn syrup?
592
00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:33,555
-It pays.
-SUSIE: We'll do it.
593
00:24:33,598 --> 00:24:35,848
-See you, gang.
-IRENE: Bye, guys.
594
00:24:35,892 --> 00:24:37,392
Hey, don't leave your syrup.
595
00:24:37,435 --> 00:24:38,635
Eh, put it on your pancakes.
596
00:24:38,686 --> 00:24:41,106
It's so good!
597
00:24:41,147 --> 00:24:43,727
WOMAN (over P.A.):
Paging Dr. Rosenthal.
598
00:24:43,774 --> 00:24:45,404
Please report to Urology.
599
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:48,823
Dr. Rosenthal
to Urology, please.
600
00:24:48,863 --> 00:24:51,323
Hello, Maureen. How are you
this fine spring day?
601
00:24:51,365 --> 00:24:53,025
You're behind schedule,
Dr. Ettenberg.
602
00:24:53,075 --> 00:24:54,825
That's not the right answer,
Maureen.
603
00:24:54,869 --> 00:24:57,289
-I'm very fine, Doctor.
-That's better.
604
00:24:57,330 --> 00:25:00,370
-And I promise to catch up.
-You always promise.
605
00:25:00,416 --> 00:25:03,126
Benjamin.
606
00:25:03,169 --> 00:25:04,879
Mrs. Weissman?
607
00:25:04,921 --> 00:25:07,381
-ROSE: Hello.
-Uh, what-what're you
doing here?
608
00:25:07,423 --> 00:25:08,933
Oh, Benjamin, I feel so sick.
609
00:25:08,966 --> 00:25:10,216
Well, good thing
you're at the hospital,
610
00:25:10,259 --> 00:25:11,509
that's kind of what
we specialize in.
611
00:25:11,552 --> 00:25:12,932
ROSE:
No, Benjamin,
I'm sick with guilt,
612
00:25:12,970 --> 00:25:14,350
about you and Miriam,
613
00:25:14,388 --> 00:25:16,178
about pushing
the two of you together.
614
00:25:16,224 --> 00:25:18,394
-Oh, Mrs. Weissman...
-About getting your hopes up
615
00:25:18,434 --> 00:25:20,194
and uprooting your life
and causing you to make plans
616
00:25:20,228 --> 00:25:22,148
that didn't pan out
because of her,
617
00:25:22,188 --> 00:25:23,358
because I set you up with her.
618
00:25:23,397 --> 00:25:25,147
-It's all my fault.
-No, no, Mrs. Weissman...
619
00:25:25,191 --> 00:25:27,111
I didn't understand
how serious this phase was
620
00:25:27,151 --> 00:25:29,281
that Miriam was going through,
this comedy thing.
621
00:25:29,320 --> 00:25:30,570
My timing was off.
622
00:25:30,613 --> 00:25:32,073
You're being too hard
on yourself.
623
00:25:32,114 --> 00:25:33,954
Miriam was just
not the right girl for you.
624
00:25:33,991 --> 00:25:36,041
She was weird, yes, but there's
weird and there's weird.
625
00:25:36,077 --> 00:25:37,697
And I thought I knew
which weird she was,
626
00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:39,405
-but apparently I didn't.
-Rose.
627
00:25:39,455 --> 00:25:43,075
Midge was the right kind
of weird for me.
628
00:25:43,125 --> 00:25:44,785
She was?
629
00:25:44,835 --> 00:25:46,415
Look, I've been with
a lot of women...
630
00:25:46,462 --> 00:25:47,922
-I'd heard that.
-Not an excessive amount.
631
00:25:47,964 --> 00:25:49,594
-Oh, no, of course not.
-But enough to have
experience...
632
00:25:49,632 --> 00:25:51,722
-A lot of experience.
-But less than many others.
633
00:25:51,759 --> 00:25:54,009
-I'm sure that's true.
-What I'm trying to say is that
634
00:25:54,053 --> 00:25:56,893
you have nothing, nothing,
to feel guilty about.
635
00:25:56,931 --> 00:25:58,891
Really?
636
00:25:58,933 --> 00:26:00,523
Midge was right for me.
637
00:26:00,559 --> 00:26:02,899
I just was not right for her.
638
00:26:02,937 --> 00:26:05,517
You're not just saying that?
639
00:26:05,564 --> 00:26:08,484
You did a nice thing, Rose,
640
00:26:08,526 --> 00:26:10,946
a very nice thing,
641
00:26:10,987 --> 00:26:13,237
and you are very sweet
for coming here today.
642
00:26:15,283 --> 00:26:19,003
Have a very good life, Benjamin.
Will you do that?
643
00:26:19,036 --> 00:26:21,326
I will.
644
00:26:24,583 --> 00:26:28,713
Benjamin, did you really buy
a townhouse for the two of you?
645
00:26:28,754 --> 00:26:31,474
Yes, but don't worry,
I'm very rich.
646
00:26:31,507 --> 00:26:33,507
That isn't helping.
647
00:26:35,469 --> 00:26:37,429
(telephone ringing)
648
00:26:37,471 --> 00:26:39,771
MOISHE:
Can you get that, Abe?
It's probably for me.
649
00:26:39,807 --> 00:26:42,307
-Then why don't you get it?
-'Cause I'm in the other room.
650
00:26:42,351 --> 00:26:44,351
Then just come in here
and get it yourself.
651
00:26:44,395 --> 00:26:45,555
MOISHE:
I'm not wearing pants.
652
00:26:45,604 --> 00:26:48,024
-I'll get it.
-Thank you.
653
00:26:52,236 --> 00:26:53,946
Maisel residence.
654
00:26:53,988 --> 00:26:56,028
MAN (over phone):
Hello. I'm calling
for Abe Weissman.
655
00:26:56,073 --> 00:26:58,243
-Asher, it's Abe.
-Oh, hello, Abe.
656
00:26:58,284 --> 00:26:59,624
This is a surprise.
657
00:26:59,660 --> 00:27:02,580
What surprise? You sent me that
thing you wrote for me to read.
658
00:27:02,621 --> 00:27:05,251
-That was two months ago.
-I thought it was a bill.
659
00:27:05,291 --> 00:27:06,961
So you finally got around
to reading it?
660
00:27:07,001 --> 00:27:09,461
Yup. Twice.
661
00:27:09,503 --> 00:27:11,463
-You went to my play.
-I did.
662
00:27:11,505 --> 00:27:14,585
I specifically told you
not to go to my play.
663
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:16,263
So shoot me, I'm a rebel.
664
00:27:16,302 --> 00:27:19,352
And then you write about it,
my play, my other plays.
665
00:27:19,388 --> 00:27:21,388
Me! A lot of this is about me.
666
00:27:21,432 --> 00:27:24,142
-It's all about you.
-I told you not to go.
667
00:27:24,185 --> 00:27:26,725
Asher, you were in this play.
668
00:27:26,771 --> 00:27:29,691
-Come again?
-Your lead character,
the carpenter,
669
00:27:29,732 --> 00:27:31,322
you spoke through him.
670
00:27:31,359 --> 00:27:33,739
It was powerful. It moved me.
671
00:27:33,778 --> 00:27:37,068
Now, the actor I saw
did the whole thing shirtless...
672
00:27:37,114 --> 00:27:39,204
-Dumb choice.
-...and he power-sawed
a two-by-four
673
00:27:39,241 --> 00:27:40,791
during the soliloquy,
you could barely hear it.
674
00:27:40,826 --> 00:27:43,286
-God, I hate actors.
-But the whole thing
675
00:27:43,329 --> 00:27:47,749
reminded me of who you are
and what theater should be.
676
00:27:47,792 --> 00:27:50,632
Broadway today,
it's run by bean counters,
677
00:27:50,669 --> 00:27:52,799
cowards. It should be more.
678
00:27:52,838 --> 00:27:54,628
-The people deserve more.
-Abe...
679
00:27:54,673 --> 00:27:57,093
Your play is a masterpiece.
680
00:27:57,134 --> 00:27:58,764
Bye Bye Birdie
is not a masterpiece.
681
00:27:58,803 --> 00:28:01,353
-MOISHE: Yes, it is.
-Stop listening, Moishe.
682
00:28:01,389 --> 00:28:02,679
Abe, I read your piece.
683
00:28:02,723 --> 00:28:04,483
You don't need
to read me your piece.
684
00:28:04,517 --> 00:28:05,937
I'm sorry.
685
00:28:05,976 --> 00:28:09,766
Look, before I try to publish
it, I want your consent.
686
00:28:09,814 --> 00:28:11,774
It's important.
You're my friend.
687
00:28:11,816 --> 00:28:15,646
Abe... (sighs) It-It's a nice
piece of writing, but
688
00:28:15,694 --> 00:28:17,914
it hits too close to home.
689
00:28:17,947 --> 00:28:21,577
There's too much me,
and my-my privacy is sacred,
690
00:28:21,617 --> 00:28:23,617
-you know that.
-I do.
691
00:28:23,661 --> 00:28:24,871
So...
692
00:28:27,540 --> 00:28:30,670
I-I can't give you my consent,
I-I just can't.
693
00:28:30,709 --> 00:28:33,339
I-I hope you understand.
694
00:28:33,379 --> 00:28:35,549
Old friend,
that's why I sent it to you,
695
00:28:35,589 --> 00:28:39,089
-to get your okay.
-Thank you.
696
00:28:39,135 --> 00:28:40,755
I'm gonna try
to publish it anyway.
697
00:28:40,803 --> 00:28:43,223
-What?
-These things need to be heard.
698
00:28:43,264 --> 00:28:45,474
Then why the hell did you ask me
for my consent?
699
00:28:45,516 --> 00:28:47,056
Because I wanted your consent.
700
00:28:47,101 --> 00:28:48,851
It's probably not
gonna be published.
701
00:28:48,894 --> 00:28:51,774
No, Abe, it's a good piece.
It makes important points.
702
00:28:51,814 --> 00:28:53,574
-It might get published.
-So you agree with it?
703
00:28:53,607 --> 00:28:55,277
I never said
I didn't agree with it.
704
00:28:55,317 --> 00:28:57,107
I just said I would rather
that it wasn't published.
705
00:28:57,153 --> 00:28:58,283
It probably won't be published.
706
00:28:58,320 --> 00:29:00,530
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
707
00:29:00,573 --> 00:29:02,623
-So you agree with it.
-I never said I didn't!
708
00:29:02,658 --> 00:29:03,868
It's probably
not gonna happen.
709
00:29:03,909 --> 00:29:05,409
It might! It's good!
710
00:29:05,453 --> 00:29:07,123
-It's very good!
-So you like it.
711
00:29:07,163 --> 00:29:09,373
We're going around
in goddamn circles here, Abe.
712
00:29:12,668 --> 00:29:14,128
(sighs)
713
00:29:14,170 --> 00:29:16,920
I never asked you
to resurrect my life.
714
00:29:16,964 --> 00:29:20,134
I know, but I have to try.
715
00:29:20,176 --> 00:29:22,386
It probably won't be published.
716
00:29:22,428 --> 00:29:24,678
It's a good piece.
It might get published.
717
00:29:24,722 --> 00:29:25,682
So you think it's good?
718
00:29:25,723 --> 00:29:26,973
Never said it wasn't good.
719
00:29:27,016 --> 00:29:28,676
It probably won't get published.
720
00:29:28,726 --> 00:29:30,896
(horn honks)
721
00:29:30,936 --> 00:29:32,726
(canaries singing)
722
00:29:32,771 --> 00:29:34,151
Mm-hmm.
723
00:29:34,190 --> 00:29:36,230
(phone ringing)
724
00:29:36,275 --> 00:29:38,565
Susie Myerson and Associates.
725
00:29:38,611 --> 00:29:40,361
Hold, please.
726
00:29:40,404 --> 00:29:42,414
I'm gonna start charging
for this.
727
00:29:44,158 --> 00:29:46,198
(clears throat)
Susie Myerson.
728
00:29:46,243 --> 00:29:48,623
TESSIE:
Hey, Susie, it's me.
I've been trying to get you.
729
00:29:48,662 --> 00:29:50,082
Tess. What is it?
730
00:29:50,122 --> 00:29:52,582
It's Mom. She's bad.
Really bad.
731
00:29:52,625 --> 00:29:54,745
Shit. Her heart?
732
00:29:54,793 --> 00:29:56,383
And her lungs, and her liver.
733
00:29:56,420 --> 00:29:58,340
Most of the time,
she doesn't even know who I am.
734
00:29:58,380 --> 00:29:59,760
Sis, I'm so sorry.
735
00:29:59,798 --> 00:30:01,548
She needs 24-hour care, Suz,
736
00:30:01,592 --> 00:30:02,592
and I got to work.
737
00:30:02,635 --> 00:30:03,635
We're talking nursing home?
738
00:30:03,677 --> 00:30:05,297
We're talking
nursing home.
739
00:30:06,347 --> 00:30:07,887
Hey, I learned to swim.
740
00:30:07,932 --> 00:30:09,142
No way. Get out of here.
741
00:30:09,183 --> 00:30:10,483
In Florida.
742
00:30:10,518 --> 00:30:11,768
I mean, I'm not Esther Williams
743
00:30:11,810 --> 00:30:13,150
or anything,
but I'm not half bad.
744
00:30:13,187 --> 00:30:14,897
I lost my virginity
in a swimming pool.
745
00:30:14,939 --> 00:30:16,649
-You lost it
in a few different places.
-(Tessie laughs)
746
00:30:16,690 --> 00:30:18,480
-In the school gym,
at the automat.
-(woman singing)
747
00:30:18,526 --> 00:30:20,736
-(laughing): In synagogue.
-(laughing): Stop laughing.
748
00:30:20,778 --> 00:30:22,028
-You stop laughing.
-(Tessie laughs)
749
00:30:22,071 --> 00:30:23,821
-(knocking)
-Jackie, get that.
750
00:30:23,864 --> 00:30:25,824
-I'm not your maid.
-Look in the mirror.
751
00:30:25,866 --> 00:30:27,236
Tess, I got to go.
752
00:30:27,284 --> 00:30:28,794
Oh, oh, wait.
One more thing.
753
00:30:28,827 --> 00:30:30,997
Just so you know,
Artie's eyeing Mom's house,
754
00:30:31,038 --> 00:30:33,498
and my husband's talking
about moving his mother in
755
00:30:33,541 --> 00:30:35,331
because
it was our mother's place,
756
00:30:35,376 --> 00:30:37,546
and somehow that makes it
logical or something.
757
00:30:37,586 --> 00:30:39,546
-What did you tell them?
-Call Susie.
758
00:30:39,588 --> 00:30:40,918
And that's that.
759
00:30:40,965 --> 00:30:42,335
I'll talk to you later.
760
00:30:42,383 --> 00:30:43,763
-(knocking)
-Thanks for nothing.
761
00:30:43,801 --> 00:30:45,891
Mm-hmm.
762
00:30:46,929 --> 00:30:49,099
-Hey.
-Hey.
763
00:30:49,139 --> 00:30:50,809
How'd you know where I live?
764
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:52,979
I know
where all our customers live.
765
00:30:53,018 --> 00:30:54,898
You got 40 bucks due.
766
00:30:54,937 --> 00:30:56,897
-That's today?
-That's today.
767
00:30:56,939 --> 00:30:58,609
Okay, okay.
768
00:30:58,649 --> 00:31:00,479
(clears throat)
769
00:31:00,526 --> 00:31:02,776
Um... I've got $30.
770
00:31:02,820 --> 00:31:04,530
I need $40.
771
00:31:04,572 --> 00:31:05,912
Jackie, you owe me ten bucks.
772
00:31:05,948 --> 00:31:07,828
-Give it to Junior.
-Right.
773
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,826
I got seven,
but Chester owes me three.
774
00:31:09,868 --> 00:31:12,408
Chester, you owe me three bucks.
Give it to Junior.
775
00:31:12,454 --> 00:31:14,124
I've got two.
776
00:31:14,164 --> 00:31:16,254
But the newsstand guy
owes me a buck.
777
00:31:16,292 --> 00:31:17,672
-Hey, Coop!
-COOP: Yeah.
778
00:31:17,710 --> 00:31:20,420
-I need that buck.
-All right, here you go.
779
00:31:20,462 --> 00:31:22,632
Thanks, Coop.
Here you go.
780
00:31:22,673 --> 00:31:24,433
Thanks, Chester.
Here you go.
781
00:31:24,466 --> 00:31:26,296
Thanks, Jackie.
Here you go.
782
00:31:26,343 --> 00:31:29,973
Got it. Hey, remember that talk
we had about not being friends?
783
00:31:30,014 --> 00:31:32,394
-Yeah.
-Well, if you were my friend,
784
00:31:32,433 --> 00:31:34,693
I would tell you that
if you need a bucket brigade
785
00:31:34,727 --> 00:31:36,647
to cobble up scratch,
it might be time
786
00:31:36,687 --> 00:31:38,437
to slow down the gambling
a little.
787
00:31:38,480 --> 00:31:39,980
But you're not my friend.
788
00:31:43,944 --> 00:31:45,904
(canaries singing)
789
00:31:45,946 --> 00:31:48,026
(Susie sighs)
790
00:31:53,495 --> 00:31:55,535
Moishe, bris first, food after.
791
00:31:55,581 --> 00:31:56,961
I know, I know.
792
00:31:56,999 --> 00:31:58,499
I don't want you upsetting
the rabbi.
793
00:31:58,542 --> 00:32:00,632
The rabbi's happy enough
I'm wearing pants.
794
00:32:00,669 --> 00:32:02,419
I'm wearing pants, Rabbi!
795
00:32:02,463 --> 00:32:05,383
Oh, hey. Happy. So glad you
could make it. Don't be scared.
796
00:32:05,424 --> 00:32:06,884
Chip, Greta, come on in.
797
00:32:06,925 --> 00:32:08,425
Don't be scared.
(chuckles) Paula!
798
00:32:08,469 --> 00:32:10,219
Hello. You don't know me,
799
00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:12,062
but I have a piece published
in today's New York Times.
800
00:32:12,097 --> 00:32:13,677
-Please take one.
-ASTRID: Hi. Don't be scared.
801
00:32:13,724 --> 00:32:15,234
The written word
can change the world.
802
00:32:15,267 --> 00:32:17,137
-Oh, it's okay. Don't be scared.
-Oh, Cousin Levi.
803
00:32:17,186 --> 00:32:18,646
Has your health improved?
804
00:32:18,687 --> 00:32:20,517
I got two more operations
coming up.
805
00:32:20,564 --> 00:32:22,154
Maybe this will help.
806
00:32:22,191 --> 00:32:24,401
I wrote a piece
for the New York Times. Enjoy.
807
00:32:24,443 --> 00:32:25,993
The written word
can change the world.
808
00:32:26,028 --> 00:32:28,158
And get better, Levi.
Papa, I know you're proud,
809
00:32:28,197 --> 00:32:30,317
but you are an integral part
of your grandson's bris.
810
00:32:30,366 --> 00:32:32,196
-Peddle your papers later.
-Okay.
811
00:32:32,242 --> 00:32:34,952
RABBI KRINSKY:
I have an announcement,
everyone. Listen up.
812
00:32:34,995 --> 00:32:37,455
I know it's a workday, and
everyone wants to get started
813
00:32:37,498 --> 00:32:39,538
with our Weissman bris,
814
00:32:39,583 --> 00:32:42,343
but we're three short
of a minyan,
815
00:32:42,378 --> 00:32:45,338
which means that we cannot
begin the prayers.
816
00:32:45,381 --> 00:32:48,681
So I'm afraid
we'll have to wait.
817
00:32:48,717 --> 00:32:50,467
We'll round up some Jews
for you, Rabbi.
818
00:32:50,511 --> 00:32:52,931
-Don't say, "Round up Jews."
-I know. It sounded wrong.
819
00:32:52,971 --> 00:32:54,351
There's nothing
to be nervous about.
820
00:32:54,390 --> 00:32:55,850
Almost all boys are circumcised.
821
00:32:55,891 --> 00:32:57,431
I mean, you are,
aren't you, Cousin Nicholas?
822
00:32:57,476 --> 00:32:58,846
-Uh, sure.
-Well, I know.
823
00:32:58,894 --> 00:33:00,234
You showed me... a lot.
(laughs)
824
00:33:00,270 --> 00:33:01,690
I don't-don't think
it was a lot.
825
00:33:01,730 --> 00:33:03,440
Oh, it was.
Anyhow, the only difference is,
826
00:33:03,482 --> 00:33:04,982
this just isn't in a hospital,
827
00:33:05,025 --> 00:33:06,935
so the instruments
aren't necessarily sterile,
828
00:33:06,985 --> 00:33:08,355
and the doctor is a man
called a "mohel,"
829
00:33:08,404 --> 00:33:09,954
who has no medical training,
nope.
830
00:33:09,988 --> 00:33:11,948
But it's all right
because they give the baby wine,
831
00:33:11,990 --> 00:33:13,530
so it's drunk.
Oh, and you know what's funny?
832
00:33:13,575 --> 00:33:15,195
I had a dream last night
that I was slicing carrots,
833
00:33:15,244 --> 00:33:16,754
and I cut off the tip
of my finger,
834
00:33:16,787 --> 00:33:18,287
and it just bled and bled
and bled and bled.
835
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:20,000
And then I woke up,
and it was fine, so...
836
00:33:20,040 --> 00:33:21,960
Okay! We got a minyan!
837
00:33:22,000 --> 00:33:23,380
(indistinct chatter)
838
00:33:23,419 --> 00:33:25,089
And it's my son
who closed the deal.
839
00:33:25,129 --> 00:33:27,509
Meet Jacob--
milkman extraordinaire
840
00:33:27,548 --> 00:33:29,718
and a son of Israel. Ha!
841
00:33:29,758 --> 00:33:31,888
(applause and cheering)
842
00:33:31,927 --> 00:33:35,137
Thank you, Levi Feldman, for
leading us in the shaharith.
843
00:33:35,180 --> 00:33:37,020
Now, as you've all noticed,
844
00:33:37,057 --> 00:33:40,227
the baby's father Noah is
unfortunately not with us today.
845
00:33:40,269 --> 00:33:43,859
He was called overseas at the
last minute on urgent business.
846
00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:47,187
Yes, but not for the CIA
or anything. Nope.
847
00:33:47,234 --> 00:33:49,994
RABBI KRINSKY:
But he gave us his blessing
to proceed.
848
00:33:50,028 --> 00:33:52,608
And that we will do with aplomb.
849
00:33:52,656 --> 00:33:55,276
I'd like to welcome
Mohel David Rosenbaum
850
00:33:55,325 --> 00:33:57,825
to begin the Brit Milah.
851
00:33:57,870 --> 00:33:59,250
Thank you, Rabbi Krinsky.
852
00:33:59,288 --> 00:34:01,208
-Good morning, everyone.
-ALL: Good morning.
853
00:34:01,248 --> 00:34:03,078
It's an honor to be here today.
854
00:34:03,125 --> 00:34:05,375
I'm hoping this goes better
than my last one.
855
00:34:05,419 --> 00:34:08,089
There's nothing funny
about a mohel with hiccups.
856
00:34:08,130 --> 00:34:09,970
-(laughter)
-There was another time
857
00:34:10,007 --> 00:34:11,507
I had slept badly
the night before,
858
00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:13,010
and I admit,
I was a little snippy.
859
00:34:13,051 --> 00:34:14,721
Oh. Oh. (laughs)
860
00:34:14,762 --> 00:34:16,642
We've had funnier mohels,
I can tell you that.
861
00:34:16,680 --> 00:34:18,390
All right, which one
you think's goin' down?
862
00:34:18,432 --> 00:34:19,812
JOEL:
Easy. The tall guy in back.
863
00:34:19,850 --> 00:34:21,140
MOISHE:
I'm going with the lady in blue.
864
00:34:21,185 --> 00:34:23,725
Abraham Weissman,
would you come join us, please?
865
00:34:23,771 --> 00:34:25,361
(Astrid sighs)
866
00:34:25,397 --> 00:34:27,897
And Astrid, if you please?
867
00:34:27,941 --> 00:34:30,741
Yeah. Yeah. Okay.
868
00:34:31,779 --> 00:34:33,409
ASTRID:
Oh.
869
00:34:34,448 --> 00:34:35,868
How does it feel, Abe?
870
00:34:35,908 --> 00:34:37,698
Well, I never imagined
871
00:34:37,743 --> 00:34:40,293
they would publish the piece
this quickly.
872
00:34:40,329 --> 00:34:42,619
With hardly any editing.
It's wonderful.
873
00:34:42,664 --> 00:34:44,464
I meant
to be holding your grandson.
874
00:34:44,500 --> 00:34:46,380
-Well, that's good, too.
-Mm.
875
00:34:46,418 --> 00:34:48,418
Let's proceed.
876
00:34:50,047 --> 00:34:51,507
(loud gasping)
877
00:34:51,548 --> 00:34:52,878
-Mm.
-(thuds)
878
00:34:52,925 --> 00:34:54,085
(quietly):
Yes.
879
00:34:54,134 --> 00:34:55,934
Here goes nothin'.
880
00:34:55,969 --> 00:34:57,349
(baby screams)
881
00:34:57,387 --> 00:35:00,057
-ALL: Mazel tov!
-(baby cries)
882
00:35:00,098 --> 00:35:01,478
Yours didn't
technically go down.
883
00:35:01,517 --> 00:35:03,017
Because those party poopers
caught her.
884
00:35:03,060 --> 00:35:04,690
If they hadn't caught her,
she would have crumpled
885
00:35:04,728 --> 00:35:06,858
-like a sack of potatoes.
-My guy fell clean. I win.
886
00:35:06,897 --> 00:35:09,107
-It's a tie. Accept a tie.
-No way, no way.
887
00:35:09,149 --> 00:35:11,149
And how did you pick the name,
Astrid?
888
00:35:11,193 --> 00:35:14,033
Well, first name "Chaim"
for Abe's father,
889
00:35:14,071 --> 00:35:16,031
middle name "Christian"
for my grandfather.
890
00:35:16,073 --> 00:35:17,993
It's unusual.
The combination.
891
00:35:18,033 --> 00:35:19,873
Can I get you anything, sweetie?
892
00:35:19,910 --> 00:35:21,950
Uh, could you see if there's
been a telegram from Bahrain?
893
00:35:21,995 --> 00:35:23,955
-Will do.
-Thank you.
894
00:35:23,997 --> 00:35:25,997
(indistinct crowd chatter)
895
00:35:28,502 --> 00:35:31,092
She really named the child
"Chaim Christian"?
896
00:35:31,129 --> 00:35:32,669
She really did.
897
00:35:32,714 --> 00:35:35,474
Who in the world
besides Astrid would do that?
898
00:35:35,509 --> 00:35:38,549
Sammy Davis, Jr.,
but that's why we love her.
899
00:35:38,595 --> 00:35:40,595
"The United States
is an island of freedom,
900
00:35:40,639 --> 00:35:42,769
"achievement and prosperity.
901
00:35:42,808 --> 00:35:46,808
Nothing's more precious
than our American way of life."
902
00:35:46,854 --> 00:35:48,734
-Pretty hokey.
-What is it?
903
00:35:48,772 --> 00:35:50,402
It's the commercial
I'm doing tonight.
904
00:35:50,440 --> 00:35:52,230
It's live, so I want
to be ready for it.
905
00:35:52,276 --> 00:35:54,526
You want to run lines with me?
You can be my husband.
906
00:35:54,570 --> 00:35:56,150
Phyllis Schlafly?
907
00:35:56,196 --> 00:35:57,526
Yeah. She's a woman.
908
00:35:57,573 --> 00:35:58,993
She's running for
something or other.
909
00:35:59,032 --> 00:36:00,702
Congress. In Illinois.
910
00:36:00,742 --> 00:36:02,792
-You know her?
-Of course I do.
911
00:36:02,828 --> 00:36:04,498
I've been published in
The New York Times.
912
00:36:04,538 --> 00:36:06,038
This is not a good woman.
913
00:36:06,081 --> 00:36:07,121
How so?
914
00:36:07,165 --> 00:36:08,825
She's a right-wing nutjob.
915
00:36:08,876 --> 00:36:10,456
She's come out against Nixon.
916
00:36:10,502 --> 00:36:12,132
Great. We don't like Nixon.
917
00:36:12,170 --> 00:36:15,260
Because she thinks
he's too left-wing.
918
00:36:15,299 --> 00:36:17,089
That doesn't sound real.
919
00:36:17,134 --> 00:36:20,304
She also said that Eisenhower
only got in office
920
00:36:20,345 --> 00:36:23,175
because of "secret kingmakers"
in New York.
921
00:36:23,223 --> 00:36:26,143
I'm not sure if you know what
ethnicity she's referring to
922
00:36:26,184 --> 00:36:28,564
with the words "kingmakers"
and "New York,"
923
00:36:28,604 --> 00:36:31,364
but one of them just got part
of his penis cut off.
924
00:36:31,398 --> 00:36:33,068
Well, then she's an idiot.
925
00:36:33,108 --> 00:36:34,188
She's not.
926
00:36:34,234 --> 00:36:36,194
That's what makes her dangerous.
927
00:36:36,236 --> 00:36:38,486
This is who you're doing
a commercial for?
928
00:36:38,530 --> 00:36:40,280
Well...
929
00:36:40,324 --> 00:36:42,124
It's a paycheck.
930
00:36:42,159 --> 00:36:43,739
Okay.
931
00:36:45,829 --> 00:36:49,709
(sighs)
If you're going to have a voice,
932
00:36:49,750 --> 00:36:52,340
you'd better be careful
what that voice says.
933
00:36:54,546 --> 00:36:56,336
MIDGE:
"With God on our side,
934
00:36:56,381 --> 00:36:59,301
"this country will prevail
against the tides
935
00:36:59,343 --> 00:37:01,513
-of the Soviet threat."
-JOHNNY: Agreed.
936
00:37:01,553 --> 00:37:03,683
-Less than two minutes, Irene.
-Got it.
937
00:37:03,722 --> 00:37:05,722
DICKIE:
So the main broadcast
is happening down the hall.
938
00:37:05,766 --> 00:37:07,806
When they give me the signal,
they'll throw it to us,
939
00:37:07,851 --> 00:37:09,481
we do our thing,
we got 90 seconds,
940
00:37:09,519 --> 00:37:11,189
then we throw it back.
941
00:37:11,229 --> 00:37:13,479
This is so exciting.
Live broadcasts are the best.
942
00:37:13,523 --> 00:37:14,613
Let's test that sound.
943
00:37:14,650 --> 00:37:16,490
JOHNNY:
This is Johnny,
one-two, one-two.
944
00:37:16,526 --> 00:37:18,106
That works. Midge?
945
00:37:18,153 --> 00:37:19,283
Midge?
946
00:37:19,321 --> 00:37:21,071
Sorry. Uh, one-two, one-two.
947
00:37:21,114 --> 00:37:22,534
I guess that'll suffice.
948
00:37:22,574 --> 00:37:24,204
Your girl drink too much
Karo Syrup last night?
949
00:37:24,242 --> 00:37:26,452
-Where's her energy?
-She'll be up
for the broadcast, Dickie.
950
00:37:26,495 --> 00:37:27,955
Don't wet your panties.
951
00:37:27,996 --> 00:37:29,666
-60 seconds to air.
-So the point is
952
00:37:29,706 --> 00:37:31,286
to sound super wholesome.
953
00:37:31,333 --> 00:37:33,923
Think freckled-faced,
blonde-haired kids,
954
00:37:33,961 --> 00:37:35,801
picket fences,
ice cream socials.
955
00:37:35,837 --> 00:37:37,207
You know, they want you
to sound like...
956
00:37:37,255 --> 00:37:38,625
-America.
-Right.
957
00:37:38,674 --> 00:37:40,684
Like America. Questions?
958
00:37:40,717 --> 00:37:42,087
-Nope.
-Excellent.
959
00:37:42,135 --> 00:37:43,965
Midge?
960
00:37:44,012 --> 00:37:45,142
Midge?
961
00:37:45,180 --> 00:37:46,600
I can't.
962
00:37:46,640 --> 00:37:47,810
I'm sorry. What was that?
963
00:37:47,849 --> 00:37:49,019
I can't do this.
964
00:37:49,059 --> 00:37:51,849
This woman, this Schlafly
woman-- she's awful.
965
00:37:51,895 --> 00:37:53,515
I stopped by the library.
I looked her up.
966
00:37:53,563 --> 00:37:55,233
She is racist and sexist
967
00:37:55,273 --> 00:37:57,403
and she uses
way too much hairspray.
968
00:37:57,442 --> 00:37:58,862
I don't want to speak for her.
969
00:37:58,902 --> 00:38:00,112
I'm sorry, what did she say?
970
00:38:00,153 --> 00:38:01,363
(forced laughter)
Not the best time
971
00:38:01,405 --> 00:38:02,655
to be joking around
like this, Midge.
972
00:38:02,698 --> 00:38:04,118
These comedians, they make jokes
and sometimes
973
00:38:04,157 --> 00:38:05,327
they don't know
where the line is.
974
00:38:05,367 --> 00:38:06,367
I'm not joking.
975
00:38:06,410 --> 00:38:07,370
I'm not doing this.
976
00:38:07,411 --> 00:38:09,161
-And you shouldn't either.
-Dickie?
977
00:38:09,204 --> 00:38:11,124
Susie? Help, please.
978
00:38:11,164 --> 00:38:12,464
Uh, Miriam?
979
00:38:12,499 --> 00:38:14,289
Step up to the mic
and say the words.
980
00:38:14,334 --> 00:38:15,544
Then I will buy you a hat.
981
00:38:15,585 --> 00:38:16,955
30 seconds, Dickie.
982
00:38:17,004 --> 00:38:19,844
Susie, do you have any idea
how horrible this woman is?
983
00:38:19,881 --> 00:38:21,171
I think everybody's horrible.
984
00:38:21,216 --> 00:38:22,506
Not as horrible as her.
985
00:38:22,551 --> 00:38:24,391
But she's paying you,
which makes me like her.
986
00:38:24,428 --> 00:38:25,888
So say the goddamn words.
987
00:38:25,929 --> 00:38:27,389
Sorry. I'm out.
988
00:38:27,431 --> 00:38:28,811
IRENE:
15 seconds, Dickie.
989
00:38:28,849 --> 00:38:31,689
Miriam, you just recorded a spot
for a massage parlor in Newark.
990
00:38:31,727 --> 00:38:33,557
Do you know how many
greasy hand jobs happen
991
00:38:33,603 --> 00:38:35,653
on a daily basis
at a massage parlor in Newark?
992
00:38:35,689 --> 00:38:37,269
This is on a whole
different scale.
993
00:38:37,315 --> 00:38:39,435
This is a giant greasy hand job.
994
00:38:39,484 --> 00:38:42,284
IRENE: I'm getting the
countdown, Dickie. In five.
995
00:38:42,320 --> 00:38:43,570
-Four. Three.
-Just a reminder, it's live!
996
00:38:43,613 --> 00:38:45,623
-Miriam.
-Two.
997
00:38:45,657 --> 00:38:48,327
"America-- the land of promise.
998
00:38:48,368 --> 00:38:50,948
"Honey, do you ever think about
the kind of world
999
00:38:50,996 --> 00:38:53,036
you want our kids to inherit?"
1000
00:38:53,081 --> 00:38:54,711
(patriotic music playing)
1001
00:38:54,750 --> 00:38:56,080
Talk, goddamn it.
1002
00:38:56,126 --> 00:38:57,786
Shit.
1003
00:39:04,217 --> 00:39:05,297
Uh...
1004
00:39:05,343 --> 00:39:06,803
"It's all I can think about
1005
00:39:06,845 --> 00:39:08,555
"when I look into their sweet,
innocent faces
1006
00:39:08,597 --> 00:39:10,177
-and their big blue eyes."
-"But...
1007
00:39:10,223 --> 00:39:12,733
there are so many forces
working to usurp us."
1008
00:39:12,768 --> 00:39:14,138
SUSIE:
"I know, dear.
1009
00:39:14,186 --> 00:39:16,396
"Like foreigners and Communists
who don't even think
1010
00:39:16,438 --> 00:39:19,478
we should fly the American flag
outside our little house."
1011
00:39:19,524 --> 00:39:21,154
"There's nothing wrong
with taking pride
1012
00:39:21,193 --> 00:39:22,573
"in the Stars and Stripes.
1013
00:39:22,611 --> 00:39:24,321
Here, lean in, honey."
1014
00:39:24,362 --> 00:39:26,572
"Oh, I love it
when you rub my nose."
1015
00:39:26,615 --> 00:39:27,945
"And there's nothing wrong
1016
00:39:27,991 --> 00:39:30,451
with taking pride
in our country's might."
1017
00:39:30,494 --> 00:39:33,044
"I was just explaining
to little Timmy this morning
1018
00:39:33,080 --> 00:39:36,330
"that the atomic bomb
is a marvelous gift
1019
00:39:36,374 --> 00:39:38,384
that was given to our country
by God."
1020
00:39:38,418 --> 00:39:40,548
Holy fuck,
this woman's a monster.
1021
00:39:40,587 --> 00:39:41,707
That's what I was saying.
1022
00:39:41,755 --> 00:39:43,045
What the hell is going on here?
1023
00:39:43,090 --> 00:39:45,300
-Plus, the segues are terrible.
-Irene!
1024
00:39:45,342 --> 00:39:48,102
"Did you also tell the children
that we can't let
1025
00:39:48,136 --> 00:39:50,216
"certain well-financed
minorities
1026
00:39:50,263 --> 00:39:52,223
determine America's future?"
1027
00:39:52,265 --> 00:39:54,095
-What the fuck?
-Where are we?
1028
00:39:54,142 --> 00:39:56,232
We really have to start reading
these contracts.
1029
00:39:56,269 --> 00:39:58,729
I did, and it said nothing
about this woman being Satan.
1030
00:39:58,772 --> 00:40:00,442
JOHNNY:
"...that we can't let certain
1031
00:40:00,482 --> 00:40:03,822
well-financed minorities
determine America's future?"
1032
00:40:03,860 --> 00:40:07,110
Yes, I did, dear.
I told them to brush their teeth
1033
00:40:07,155 --> 00:40:09,775
and to not let certain
well-financed minorities,
1034
00:40:09,825 --> 00:40:11,405
um, have futures.
1035
00:40:11,451 --> 00:40:13,831
Something like that?
America, yay!
1036
00:40:13,870 --> 00:40:15,460
I'm sorry, where are we?
1037
00:40:15,497 --> 00:40:16,617
And, we're out.
1038
00:40:29,386 --> 00:40:33,306
So, does this pay cash
or check or... flags?
1039
00:40:33,348 --> 00:40:36,058
This woman's a monster.
1040
00:40:38,770 --> 00:40:41,400
Yeah, sorry, Mama, this place
is just not right for you guys.
1041
00:40:41,439 --> 00:40:43,819
I still can't figure out
how that pigeon got in.
1042
00:40:43,859 --> 00:40:45,859
I'm guessing the bathroom window
that's stuck open.
1043
00:40:45,902 --> 00:40:47,702
-ROSE: Who is that?
-It's the real estate agent,
Joan.
1044
00:40:47,737 --> 00:40:49,987
Hi, Mrs. Weissman.
Sorry about the pigeon.
1045
00:40:50,031 --> 00:40:51,911
We'll find you
the right apartment, Mama.
1046
00:40:51,950 --> 00:40:53,830
This is New York,
there's a million of them.
1047
00:40:53,869 --> 00:40:56,449
All right. Bye.
1048
00:40:56,496 --> 00:40:57,906
It's a tough market.
1049
00:40:57,956 --> 00:40:59,536
Especially in their price range.
1050
00:40:59,583 --> 00:41:01,043
-I'll keep looking.
-Thanks.
1051
00:41:01,084 --> 00:41:03,254
You all used to live right up
the street there, didn't you?
1052
00:41:03,295 --> 00:41:04,875
-At 385?
-Used to.
1053
00:41:04,921 --> 00:41:06,421
Such a beautiful building.
1054
00:41:06,464 --> 00:41:08,304
Well, tell your mother
not to worry.
1055
00:41:08,341 --> 00:41:09,931
We'll find something.
1056
00:41:09,968 --> 00:41:11,218
Will do.
1057
00:41:22,772 --> 00:41:27,612
♪ Stars shining bright
above you ♪
1058
00:41:29,196 --> 00:41:34,446
♪ Night breezes seem to whisper
"I love you..." ♪
1059
00:41:34,492 --> 00:41:36,452
Have a nice day,
Mr. and Mrs. Hollander.
1060
00:41:36,494 --> 00:41:38,624
-Afternoon.
-How-- Mrs. Maisel.
1061
00:41:38,663 --> 00:41:40,963
-It's so good to see you.
-Hi, Antonio.
1062
00:41:40,999 --> 00:41:42,879
We were just saying
we can't eat a black and white
1063
00:41:42,918 --> 00:41:44,128
without thinking of you.
1064
00:41:44,169 --> 00:41:46,249
How we miss you.
The whole Weissman clan.
1065
00:41:46,296 --> 00:41:47,626
We miss you, too.
1066
00:41:47,672 --> 00:41:49,672
J-Jerry, look who
the cat dragged in.
1067
00:41:49,716 --> 00:41:50,966
How are you, Mrs. Maisel?
1068
00:41:51,009 --> 00:41:52,339
I'm very well, Jerry.
1069
00:41:52,385 --> 00:41:54,005
What can we do for you?
1070
00:41:54,054 --> 00:41:56,604
Take me to nine?
Would that be all right?
1071
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:58,310
Of course. Your old floor.
1072
00:41:58,350 --> 00:41:59,980
I'm feeling a little nostalgic.
1073
00:42:00,018 --> 00:42:02,058
Come with me.
1074
00:42:02,103 --> 00:42:03,863
You look healthy, Jerry.
1075
00:42:03,897 --> 00:42:05,477
-I swam.
-Oh, you're swimming?
1076
00:42:05,523 --> 00:42:08,363
-Just the one time.
-Good for you.
1077
00:42:10,904 --> 00:42:12,824
I'll wait for you,
Mrs. Maisel.
1078
00:42:12,864 --> 00:42:14,704
Thank you, Jerry.
1079
00:42:14,741 --> 00:42:18,951
♪ Say nighty-night
and kiss me ♪
1080
00:42:18,995 --> 00:42:20,865
WOMAN:
It's the second time
I tripped over them.
1081
00:42:20,914 --> 00:42:26,214
♪ Just hold me tight
and tell me you'll miss me... ♪
1082
00:42:26,253 --> 00:42:28,463
WOMAN:
This whole room
looks like a pigsty.
1083
00:42:28,505 --> 00:42:30,545
Hello?
1084
00:42:30,590 --> 00:42:33,340
(children chattering)
1085
00:42:33,385 --> 00:42:36,595
♪ Dream a little dream of me ♪
1086
00:42:36,638 --> 00:42:38,008
WOMAN:
I'm gonna count to three.
1087
00:42:38,056 --> 00:42:40,846
One, two, three.
1088
00:42:40,892 --> 00:42:43,102
(children shouting, laughing)
1089
00:42:43,144 --> 00:42:44,524
WOMAN:
...both of you here anymore.
1090
00:42:44,562 --> 00:42:46,902
Your father is going to be
in Missouri,
1091
00:42:46,940 --> 00:42:49,150
and you'll be scrounging
for food on the streets.
1092
00:42:49,192 --> 00:42:50,282
(children protesting)
1093
00:42:50,318 --> 00:42:52,278
And you're going in
for your nap, Ronald.
1094
00:42:52,320 --> 00:42:54,240
-Accept it.
-RONALD: Ah, Mom!
1095
00:42:54,281 --> 00:42:55,571
WOMAN:
Your nap is not optional.
1096
00:42:55,615 --> 00:42:57,115
-Ronald. Ronald.
-JOEL: Midge?
1097
00:42:57,158 --> 00:42:58,698
-Ronald! Now come on.
-Midge?
1098
00:42:58,743 --> 00:42:59,913
-Wash your hands
and get your jammies on.
-Midge?
1099
00:42:59,953 --> 00:43:01,543
Your son is not cooperating!
1100
00:43:01,579 --> 00:43:03,619
He's running around naked
and the people across the way
1101
00:43:03,665 --> 00:43:05,575
-can see!
-ABE: Why is my grandson naked?
1102
00:43:05,625 --> 00:43:07,165
JOEL:
That is a question
for your grandson, Abe.
1103
00:43:07,210 --> 00:43:08,670
He has a mind of his own.
1104
00:43:08,712 --> 00:43:10,092
ROSE:
Oh, my God, he'll catch cold.
1105
00:43:10,130 --> 00:43:11,300
-Grab him!
-JOEL: I soaped him up
1106
00:43:11,339 --> 00:43:12,419
so he keeps
slipping out of my grasp.
1107
00:43:12,465 --> 00:43:14,175
ABE:
I got him. Oh, whoa, whoa.
1108
00:43:14,217 --> 00:43:15,637
-I don't got him.
-ROSE: The neighbors
are looking!
1109
00:43:15,677 --> 00:43:16,677
JOEL:
We should be charging for this.
1110
00:43:16,720 --> 00:43:18,010
Midge! We need you.
1111
00:43:18,054 --> 00:43:19,564
ROSE: Miriam,
cut him off in the foyer!
1112
00:43:19,597 --> 00:43:21,097
JOEL (laughing):
Midge! Midge!
1113
00:43:21,141 --> 00:43:22,141
Hello?
1114
00:43:22,183 --> 00:43:24,603
Oh, you scared me.
1115
00:43:24,644 --> 00:43:26,604
Although, I should be
the one scaring you.
1116
00:43:26,646 --> 00:43:28,606
I pretty much broke in
to your place.
1117
00:43:28,648 --> 00:43:30,528
It's okay, I think.
1118
00:43:30,567 --> 00:43:33,397
I used to live here,
in this apartment.
1119
00:43:33,445 --> 00:43:36,865
My parents were upstairs.
I grew up here.
1120
00:43:36,906 --> 00:43:38,276
That's sweet.
1121
00:43:38,325 --> 00:43:39,825
It's a great place.
I'm gonna miss it.
1122
00:43:39,868 --> 00:43:41,578
-(kids shouting)
-Guys, please stop yelling!
1123
00:43:41,619 --> 00:43:43,539
-You're moving?
-My husband's a researcher,
1124
00:43:43,580 --> 00:43:45,960
and he lives by grants,
so we're nomads.
1125
00:43:45,999 --> 00:43:47,789
Next week,
it's off to St. Louis.
1126
00:43:47,834 --> 00:43:49,714
Okay, all you did was
get louder!
1127
00:43:49,753 --> 00:43:52,053
I'm sorry, I'll leave you be.
You've got your hands full.
1128
00:43:52,088 --> 00:43:54,418
No, no, stay if you want.
Look around some more.
1129
00:43:54,466 --> 00:43:57,716
-GIRL: I'm not a baby!
-Can I see the kitchen?
1130
00:43:57,761 --> 00:44:00,931
-It's all yours.
-BOY: Mom, Susan knocked
the lamp over.
1131
00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:03,432
Your father's going
to hear about this!
1132
00:44:03,475 --> 00:44:08,305
♪ Sweet dreams
till sunbeams find you ♪
1133
00:44:09,689 --> 00:44:12,189
♪ Sweet dreams that leave ♪
1134
00:44:12,233 --> 00:44:16,363
♪ All worries behind you ♪
1135
00:44:16,404 --> 00:44:18,874
♪ But in your dreams ♪
1136
00:44:18,907 --> 00:44:22,367
♪ Whatever they be ♪
1137
00:44:22,410 --> 00:44:25,460
♪ Dream a little dream ♪
1138
00:44:27,916 --> 00:44:31,126
♪ Of me. ♪
1139
00:44:39,469 --> 00:44:41,929
SUSIE:
Sorry... coming through.
1140
00:44:41,971 --> 00:44:44,061
No, don't get up.
1141
00:44:44,099 --> 00:44:46,889
Excuse me.
What are you looking at?
1142
00:44:46,935 --> 00:44:49,725
-How's it going backstage?
-(sighs)
1143
00:44:49,771 --> 00:44:51,691
Sophie was chatting it up
with Gavin and Moira.
1144
00:44:51,731 --> 00:44:53,861
Gave 'em each a bottle
of scotch, wished them well.
1145
00:44:53,900 --> 00:44:55,740
Now she's having a weird,
quiet moment.
1146
00:44:55,777 --> 00:44:58,817
She left her awful dogs at home.
So far, so good.
1147
00:44:58,863 --> 00:45:01,203
How are you feeling?
1148
00:45:01,241 --> 00:45:03,701
I think I'm excited. I think
that's what this feeling is.
1149
00:45:03,743 --> 00:45:05,413
Good. She put you
through a lot,
1150
00:45:05,453 --> 00:45:06,623
and you pulled this off.
1151
00:45:06,663 --> 00:45:08,373
This is your night
as much as hers.
1152
00:45:08,415 --> 00:45:10,415
Now, enjoy it.
1153
00:45:12,961 --> 00:45:15,001
(dramatic piano music)
1154
00:45:23,638 --> 00:45:24,888
Oh,
1155
00:45:24,931 --> 00:45:26,641
tonight, Miss Julie
is crazy again.
1156
00:45:26,683 --> 00:45:28,603
Absolutely crazy.
1157
00:45:28,643 --> 00:45:32,563
(applause)
1158
00:45:33,982 --> 00:45:35,652
So you've returned.
1159
00:45:35,692 --> 00:45:37,652
I took the count
to the station,
1160
00:45:37,694 --> 00:45:39,574
and when I came back,
I saw Miss Julie dancing
1161
00:45:39,612 --> 00:45:40,702
with the gamekeeper.
1162
00:45:40,738 --> 00:45:42,368
And then she rushed up to me
and asked me
1163
00:45:42,407 --> 00:45:44,447
to dance the waltz with her.
She's crazy.
1164
00:45:44,492 --> 00:45:46,702
And always has been,
but never the way it's been
1165
00:45:46,744 --> 00:45:49,664
this last fortnight,
since her engagement was broken.
1166
00:45:49,706 --> 00:45:51,536
-Do you know how
it happened, Christine?
-(woman clearing throat)
1167
00:45:51,583 --> 00:45:54,133
They were in the stable,
1168
00:45:54,169 --> 00:45:55,669
and she was training him,
as she called it.
1169
00:45:55,712 --> 00:45:58,172
She made him leap
over her horse whip,
1170
00:45:58,214 --> 00:46:00,554
the way you teach
a dog to jump.
1171
00:46:00,592 --> 00:46:03,512
-(woman clearing throat)
-Hey, duchess, you ever hear
of a cough drop?
1172
00:46:03,553 --> 00:46:06,393
-Susie, shh.
-It's a classy fuckin' play.
1173
00:46:06,431 --> 00:46:08,351
Now, what do you have
that's tasty, Christine?
1174
00:46:08,391 --> 00:46:11,231
Oh, just some kidney that
I cut out of the veal roast.
1175
00:46:11,269 --> 00:46:12,559
Ah, good.
1176
00:46:12,604 --> 00:46:14,734
Oh, Jean, won't you dance
with me when I'm done?
1177
00:46:14,772 --> 00:46:16,862
-Of course I will.
-Do you promise?
1178
00:46:16,900 --> 00:46:18,440
Promise?
1179
00:46:18,485 --> 00:46:21,395
When I say so, I do it. Mm.
1180
00:46:21,446 --> 00:46:25,446
And thanks for the good food.
Tasted fine.
1181
00:46:34,626 --> 00:46:35,956
Is this supposed
to be happening?
1182
00:46:36,002 --> 00:46:37,172
Shh.
1183
00:46:37,212 --> 00:46:39,422
Very fine, indeed, Christine.
1184
00:46:41,049 --> 00:46:42,299
Tasted fine.
1185
00:46:43,635 --> 00:46:45,215
(quietly):
Come on, come on.
1186
00:46:45,261 --> 00:46:46,761
SOPHIE (as Julie):
I'll be back in a minute,
1187
00:46:46,804 --> 00:46:49,604
You go right on in the meantime.
1188
00:46:49,641 --> 00:46:51,641
(audience applauding)
1189
00:47:03,780 --> 00:47:07,490
Tell me, is it
almost done, Christine?
1190
00:47:07,534 --> 00:47:09,584
The ladies are having
secrets, I believe.
1191
00:47:10,745 --> 00:47:13,155
That is for you, Jean.
1192
00:47:13,206 --> 00:47:16,126
Oh, what a delicious odor
that violet has.
1193
00:47:16,167 --> 00:47:17,457
Mm, impudent.
1194
00:47:17,502 --> 00:47:20,462
So you understand perfumes also.
1195
00:47:20,505 --> 00:47:22,665
And know pretty well
how to dance.
1196
00:47:22,715 --> 00:47:25,505
Do not peek.
No, no, no, go away.
1197
00:47:29,889 --> 00:47:31,219
Uh-oh.
1198
00:47:31,266 --> 00:47:32,346
GAVIN (as Jean):
Is it some kind
of witches' broth
1199
00:47:32,392 --> 00:47:33,602
the ladies are cooking
1200
00:47:33,643 --> 00:47:34,893
on Midsummer Eve?
1201
00:47:34,936 --> 00:47:36,726
Something to tell fortunes by
1202
00:47:36,771 --> 00:47:38,191
and bring out the lucky star
in which one's
1203
00:47:38,231 --> 00:47:40,071
future love is seen?
1204
00:47:41,734 --> 00:47:43,954
(barely audible):
If you can see that,
1205
00:47:43,987 --> 00:47:46,447
you have very good eyes indeed.
1206
00:47:46,489 --> 00:47:48,279
Is she supposed to be
so quiet?
1207
00:47:48,324 --> 00:47:50,794
No, you're supposed to be able
to hear it.
1208
00:47:50,827 --> 00:47:52,997
(quietly):
Come dance with me, Jean.
1209
00:47:53,037 --> 00:47:56,417
(quietly):
I had promised to dance
with Christine this time.
1210
00:47:56,457 --> 00:47:59,877
Well, Christine can get
someone else, Gavin.
1211
00:47:59,919 --> 00:48:01,249
Did she say "Gavin"?
1212
00:48:01,296 --> 00:48:02,836
Shit. Shit.
1213
00:48:02,880 --> 00:48:05,380
(barely audible)
I don't want to be impolite,
1214
00:48:05,425 --> 00:48:07,255
but I truly made a promise.
1215
00:48:07,302 --> 00:48:09,052
Now I can't hear him.
1216
00:48:09,095 --> 00:48:11,805
(quietly)
She can get somebody else.
1217
00:48:11,848 --> 00:48:13,678
(straining quietly)
Louder. Louder.
1218
00:48:13,725 --> 00:48:17,805
(loudly)
She can get somebody else,
can't you, Christine?
1219
00:48:17,854 --> 00:48:21,734
Will you let me borrow
Jean from you? Huh?
1220
00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:23,994
(loudly):
That isn't for me
to say, Miss Julie.
1221
00:48:24,027 --> 00:48:25,527
Frankly speaking,
1222
00:48:25,570 --> 00:48:27,910
is it wise for Miss Julie
to dance twice
1223
00:48:27,947 --> 00:48:29,527
with the same partner?
1224
00:48:29,574 --> 00:48:31,244
People will start to talk.
1225
00:48:31,284 --> 00:48:34,044
What is that?
What kind of talk?
1226
00:48:34,078 --> 00:48:35,288
What do you mean?
1227
00:48:35,330 --> 00:48:36,790
They sound like my grandparents.
1228
00:48:36,831 --> 00:48:37,871
GAVIN:
It doesn't look well
1229
00:48:37,915 --> 00:48:40,285
to prefer one servant
to all the rest.
1230
00:48:40,335 --> 00:48:43,875
Prefer? What ideas!
I am surprised.
1231
00:48:43,921 --> 00:48:45,881
I, the mistress of the house...
1232
00:48:45,923 --> 00:48:48,803
It's fine. She's just projecting
for the back row.
1233
00:48:48,843 --> 00:48:50,143
Yeah, of Yankee Stadium?
1234
00:48:50,178 --> 00:48:51,598
...and when it so happens
I want to dance,
1235
00:48:51,638 --> 00:48:53,468
I want to dance with one
who knows how to lead
1236
00:48:53,514 --> 00:48:56,144
so I am not made ridiculous.
1237
00:48:56,184 --> 00:48:59,564
GAVIN:
As you command, Miss Julie.
I am at your service.
1238
00:48:59,604 --> 00:49:01,814
SOPHIE:
Oh, don't take it
as a command.
1239
00:49:01,856 --> 00:49:03,396
SUSIE:
Aw, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
1240
00:49:03,441 --> 00:49:05,401
SOPHIE:
Tonight, all rank
should be forgotten.
1241
00:49:05,443 --> 00:49:07,863
Christine will make
a pleasant wife.
1242
00:49:10,198 --> 00:49:12,828
Perhaps she snores, too.
1243
00:49:12,867 --> 00:49:16,077
No, she doesn't.
But she talks in her sleep.
1244
00:49:16,120 --> 00:49:19,330
-How do you know?!
-(laughter)
1245
00:49:19,374 --> 00:49:21,294
GAVIN:
I've heard it.
1246
00:49:21,334 --> 00:49:23,844
Give me something to drink.
1247
00:49:23,878 --> 00:49:25,838
We have nothing but beer.
1248
00:49:25,880 --> 00:49:27,920
-Beer?!
-(laughter)
1249
00:49:27,965 --> 00:49:30,005
I didn't know you were
serving breakfast.
1250
00:49:30,051 --> 00:49:31,641
(laughter)
1251
00:49:31,678 --> 00:49:33,258
I can't watch.
I can't watch.
1252
00:49:33,304 --> 00:49:34,604
I can't not.
1253
00:49:34,639 --> 00:49:36,349
You want some for yourself?
1254
00:49:36,391 --> 00:49:39,021
A polite gentleman should
keep a lady company.
1255
00:49:39,060 --> 00:49:40,850
Wouldn't be proper
in your presence.
1256
00:49:40,895 --> 00:49:43,605
Are you bashful,
1257
00:49:43,648 --> 00:49:46,438
a big, grown-up man?
1258
00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:49,574
(laughter)
1259
00:49:49,612 --> 00:49:51,532
Tout suite. Julie's thirsty.
1260
00:49:51,572 --> 00:49:55,332
-MAN: We love you, Sophie.
-WOMAN: We love you, Sophie.
1261
00:49:55,368 --> 00:49:58,118
To the health
of my liege lady.
1262
00:49:58,162 --> 00:50:00,752
-Bravo! Ha ha!
-(laughter)
1263
00:50:02,917 --> 00:50:05,037
Ahh.
1264
00:50:05,086 --> 00:50:06,336
Now... (belches loudly)
1265
00:50:06,379 --> 00:50:08,339
(laughter)
1266
00:50:08,381 --> 00:50:10,801
Kiss my shoe.
1267
00:50:12,218 --> 00:50:15,048
This part's in the play.
1268
00:50:15,096 --> 00:50:18,016
(laughter)
1269
00:50:18,057 --> 00:50:19,677
Boop.
1270
00:50:19,726 --> 00:50:21,386
(laughter)
1271
00:50:23,187 --> 00:50:26,607
-WOMAN: Kiss it!
-MAN: Yeah, kiss it.
1272
00:50:26,649 --> 00:50:29,439
Well, it looks like
someone was hungry
1273
00:50:29,485 --> 00:50:32,655
for some moo shoe pork.
1274
00:50:32,697 --> 00:50:35,317
Huh? And unfortunately,
1275
00:50:35,366 --> 00:50:38,076
I just left the stables.
1276
00:50:38,119 --> 00:50:39,999
Hey, don't worry,
after the stables,
1277
00:50:40,037 --> 00:50:42,537
I washed 'em off...
in a toilet.
1278
00:50:42,582 --> 00:50:43,582
(laughter)
1279
00:50:43,624 --> 00:50:46,504
Put that on your plate, huh?
1280
00:50:48,421 --> 00:50:51,011
The other day, I was hanging out
by the cows,
1281
00:50:51,048 --> 00:50:53,338
and one of the farmhands
tried to milk me.
1282
00:50:53,384 --> 00:50:56,724
(laughter)
1283
00:50:56,763 --> 00:50:59,393
And my last husband
never kissed my shoe,
1284
00:50:59,432 --> 00:51:02,022
but he always had a foot
in his mouth.
1285
00:51:03,019 --> 00:51:06,229
Aw, it's so filthy
here in the country.
1286
00:51:06,272 --> 00:51:09,232
My clothes are so dirty...
1287
00:51:09,275 --> 00:51:11,185
AUDIENCE:
How dirty are they?
1288
00:51:11,235 --> 00:51:15,355
My clothes are so dirty,
my washboard needs a washboard.
1289
00:51:15,406 --> 00:51:17,066
-(laughter)
-(Sophie cackles)
1290
00:51:17,116 --> 00:51:18,526
-(bells ring)
-Ooh.
1291
00:51:18,576 --> 00:51:20,946
The count is back.
1292
00:51:20,995 --> 00:51:22,325
You mean Count Dracula?
1293
00:51:22,371 --> 00:51:24,751
Is that where you got
that big hickey on your neck?
1294
00:51:24,791 --> 00:51:27,291
-(audience exclaiming)
-It wasn't me.
1295
00:51:27,335 --> 00:51:29,165
(laughter)
1296
00:51:29,212 --> 00:51:33,222
Well, folks, we're close enough
to the finish line, I think.
1297
00:51:33,257 --> 00:51:36,007
Everybody's sad,
I go off to die.
1298
00:51:36,052 --> 00:51:38,142
Blah, blah, blah.
The end.
1299
00:51:38,179 --> 00:51:39,469
See ya!
1300
00:51:39,514 --> 00:51:42,024
Susie, wait.
1301
00:51:45,061 --> 00:51:47,771
(cheers and applause)
1302
00:51:55,071 --> 00:51:57,071
(dramatic piano music)
1303
00:52:12,380 --> 00:52:15,380
(enthusiastic cheering)
1304
00:52:19,053 --> 00:52:20,973
MAN:
We love you, Sophie!
1305
00:52:21,013 --> 00:52:24,313
Oh, thank you very much. Oh...
1306
00:52:24,350 --> 00:52:28,940
Oh, look, you got Sophie's
hay fever going.
1307
00:52:28,980 --> 00:52:32,400
Ah-choo!
Thank you.
1308
00:52:35,611 --> 00:52:37,611
Oh.
1309
00:52:38,906 --> 00:52:40,276
GAVIN:
I hate you.
1310
00:52:40,324 --> 00:52:41,914
Theater hates you!
1311
00:52:41,951 --> 00:52:44,331
-Sophie.
-(audience chanting):
Sophie, Sophie...
1312
00:52:46,414 --> 00:52:48,084
Fucking stop.
1313
00:52:48,124 --> 00:52:50,884
Sophie, fucking stop!
1314
00:52:50,918 --> 00:52:53,918
Hey! Hey, I got something
for your flight.
1315
00:52:55,548 --> 00:52:57,718
What the fuck just happened?
1316
00:52:57,758 --> 00:52:59,838
'Cause I know you did not
just trash that production.
1317
00:52:59,886 --> 00:53:01,966
I know I must have eaten
some spoiled cheese
1318
00:53:02,013 --> 00:53:03,973
or a hash brownie
and hallucinated
1319
00:53:04,015 --> 00:53:06,055
that on the opening night
of your Broadway premiere,
1320
00:53:06,100 --> 00:53:08,230
you chose to flush it
all down the shitter.
1321
00:53:08,269 --> 00:53:11,149
What are you talking about?
This is your fault.
1322
00:53:11,188 --> 00:53:12,478
My fault?
1323
00:53:12,523 --> 00:53:14,653
I am the biggest
comedy star in America,
1324
00:53:14,692 --> 00:53:17,782
and you chose to dump that
and have me act.
1325
00:53:17,820 --> 00:53:19,780
Act in this ridiculous farce
of a play.
1326
00:53:19,822 --> 00:53:22,832
I had never even heard
of Strindberg before I met you.
1327
00:53:22,867 --> 00:53:25,327
You should have stopped me.
You're my manager.
1328
00:53:25,369 --> 00:53:27,289
You fired Harry Drake
because he stopped you
1329
00:53:27,330 --> 00:53:29,750
from doing Strindberg,
you whacko. Remember?
1330
00:53:29,790 --> 00:53:32,290
Just like he stopped Jerry Lewis
from doing A Raisin in the Sun.
1331
00:53:32,335 --> 00:53:34,085
It's what a good manager does.
1332
00:53:34,128 --> 00:53:36,128
Goddamn it, Sophie.
1333
00:53:36,172 --> 00:53:37,552
You asked me
to get you a shot.
1334
00:53:37,590 --> 00:53:39,550
I got you a shot
and you chickened out.
1335
00:53:39,592 --> 00:53:40,552
You choked.
1336
00:53:40,593 --> 00:53:42,303
How dare you!
1337
00:53:42,345 --> 00:53:43,505
I went out on a limb for you.
1338
00:53:43,554 --> 00:53:45,144
Bernie went out
on a limb for you.
1339
00:53:45,181 --> 00:53:47,351
The investors went out
on a limb for you.
1340
00:53:47,391 --> 00:53:49,191
Fucking asshole
tennis-playing Milken
1341
00:53:49,226 --> 00:53:50,896
went out on a limb for you!
1342
00:53:50,937 --> 00:53:53,267
We got Gavin Hawk
to star opposite you.
1343
00:53:53,314 --> 00:53:55,524
You were all conspiring
against me.
1344
00:53:55,566 --> 00:53:58,776
-Hey, call Bellevue.
Tell 'em to bring a net.
-Especially you.
1345
00:53:58,819 --> 00:54:01,409
Why, Sophie?
Why would I do that?
1346
00:54:01,447 --> 00:54:03,197
For her.
1347
00:54:03,240 --> 00:54:06,290
You were trying to prop her up
1348
00:54:06,327 --> 00:54:08,657
by bringing me down.
1349
00:54:11,165 --> 00:54:13,325
-Let's go.
-You're walking away from me?
1350
00:54:13,376 --> 00:54:14,916
Yeah, I'm walking away.
1351
00:54:14,961 --> 00:54:16,711
Because you are nothing
but a fraud,
1352
00:54:16,754 --> 00:54:18,344
with your Jell-O
and your stuck-up butler
1353
00:54:18,381 --> 00:54:19,881
and your lemon wedges.
1354
00:54:19,924 --> 00:54:22,434
And you want to know what
the really sad thing is, Sophie?
1355
00:54:22,468 --> 00:54:24,258
You could have done it.
1356
00:54:24,303 --> 00:54:26,763
I watched you rehearse
every single day,
1357
00:54:26,806 --> 00:54:27,886
and you were good.
1358
00:54:27,932 --> 00:54:29,892
Fuck that, you were great.
1359
00:54:29,934 --> 00:54:32,484
A great fucking serious actress.
1360
00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:34,400
And you had it all right there
in the palm of your hand,
1361
00:54:34,438 --> 00:54:36,938
and all you had to do was
have the guts to follow through
1362
00:54:36,983 --> 00:54:38,613
and do it, and you didn't.
1363
00:54:38,651 --> 00:54:41,491
You fuckin' folded
like a deck of cards.
1364
00:54:41,529 --> 00:54:44,069
-Harry knew.
-Harry knew what?
1365
00:54:44,115 --> 00:54:46,775
That you didn't have the stuff
to make it on Broadway.
1366
00:54:46,826 --> 00:54:48,696
He was no idiot.
He knew.
1367
00:54:48,744 --> 00:54:52,004
And I do not have
to take you down for her.
1368
00:54:52,039 --> 00:54:53,579
You are not her competition.
1369
00:54:53,624 --> 00:54:55,504
You are not even
in the same league.
1370
00:54:55,543 --> 00:54:57,673
She's got guts.
1371
00:54:57,712 --> 00:54:59,462
That is the difference
between Midge Maisel
1372
00:54:59,505 --> 00:55:02,295
and the great Sophie Lennon.
1373
00:55:02,341 --> 00:55:03,801
You're a star, for now,
1374
00:55:03,843 --> 00:55:06,393
but she is gonna be
a goddamn legend.
1375
00:55:08,222 --> 00:55:10,852
SUSIE:
I'm setting those fuckin'
birds loose
1376
00:55:10,891 --> 00:55:12,891
the minute I get home.
1377
00:55:15,354 --> 00:55:20,154
♪ I want to sink to the bottom
with you ♪
1378
00:55:20,192 --> 00:55:24,242
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
1379
00:55:25,823 --> 00:55:29,743
♪ The ocean is big and blue ♪
1380
00:55:29,785 --> 00:55:34,535
♪ I just want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
1381
00:55:34,582 --> 00:55:39,422
♪ Cars on the highway,
planes in the air ♪
1382
00:55:39,462 --> 00:55:44,262
♪ Everyone else is
going somewhere ♪
1383
00:55:44,300 --> 00:55:49,180
♪ But I'm going nowhere,
getting there soon ♪
1384
00:55:49,221 --> 00:55:51,681
♪ I might as well just ♪
1385
00:55:51,724 --> 00:55:54,444
♪ Sink down with you ♪
1386
00:55:54,477 --> 00:55:57,097
♪ I want to sink to the bottom ♪
1387
00:55:57,146 --> 00:55:59,356
♪ With you ♪
1388
00:55:59,398 --> 00:56:03,528
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
1389
00:56:04,862 --> 00:56:08,822
♪ The ocean is big and blue ♪
1390
00:56:08,866 --> 00:56:10,696
♪ I just want to sink ♪
1391
00:56:10,743 --> 00:56:13,703
♪ To the bottom with you ♪
1392
00:56:13,746 --> 00:56:15,616
♪ And I just want to ♪
1393
00:56:33,140 --> 00:56:37,980
♪ Out on the highway,
up in the air ♪
1394
00:56:38,020 --> 00:56:42,940
♪ Everyone else is
going somewhere ♪
1395
00:56:42,983 --> 00:56:47,863
♪ They're going nowhere,
and I'll be there, too ♪
1396
00:56:47,905 --> 00:56:52,695
♪ I might as well go
under with you ♪
1397
00:56:55,371 --> 00:56:59,171
♪ I want to sink
to the bottom with you ♪
1398
00:56:59,208 --> 00:57:00,838
♪ Sink to the bottom ♪
1399
00:57:00,876 --> 00:57:03,246
♪ I want to sink to the bottom ♪
1400
00:57:03,295 --> 00:57:04,955
-♪ With you ♪
-♪ Sink to the bottom ♪
1401
00:57:05,005 --> 00:57:07,005
♪ I just want to. ♪
98751
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