All language subtitles for The.New.Adventures.of.Old.Christine.S05E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Okay, Richard,
we have to make

this sham wedding look
as legitimate as possible.

Okay, Richard,
we have to make

One question.
You're not getting laid.

Yeah, don't even try.

One question.
You're not getting laid.

She was an ice cube during
our entire sham marriage.

Why do we have
to go through all of this?

She was an ice cube during
our entire sham marriage.

Why don't we just go
to Vegas and get hitched?

Drive-thru chapel in my truck,

Why don't we just go
to Vegas and get hitched?

nickel slots,
watered down drinks...

I'll marry you right now.

nickel slots,
watered down drinks...

Look, I already duped
the INS once,

so they'll be watching me.

So today, we'll go down and
open up a joint bank account.

so they'll be watching me.

Then go to the justice
of the peace,

get our marriage license
and then get married.

You know what's weird?

Pretty soon,
I will have been married

You know what's weird?

to everyone in this room.

And you know what
would be really weird?

No threesomes.

Sham marriage sucks
as bad as real marriage.

Okay, so Barb, we've got
a wedding to plan.

This is your big day.

We have to figure out
what I'm wearing,

who I'm bringing,
what song I'm singing...

You're wearing that,
you're bringing no one

and if you even start to sing
"Put a Ring on It,"

I'm throwing you out.

We'll see.

Look, the first thing
we have to do is get a divorce.

Oh, divorce.

Oh, God,
I forgot about that.

You know, that makes me
oh-for-two.

Two-time loser.

Used goods.

Black widow.

Stop.

Are you going to be okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.

I mean, nothing's really going
to change, right?

Of course not.

You're my best friend.

Nothing's going to change that.

So I'll just have
my lawyer send over

some papers for you to sign
and he'll file them in court.

What? What did you just say?

I'll just have my lawyer
send over some papers

for you to sign
and he'll file them in court.

Lawyer?! What do you
need a lawyer for?

I mean, when Richard
and I got divorced,

it was so informal.

We had a paralegal
do it for free

while we drank beers
in the back of his van.

I mean, we weren't even
going there to get divorced.

Look, I just want
to protect my assets.

Protect your assets?

From who...m?

From who?

If you were to protect
your assets,

from whom might you be
protecting your assets...

from?

Look, it's no big deal.

But it is a big deal.

You don't trust me?

I never said that.
So, you do trust me?

I never said that.
right, well, tt you know what?

If you don't trust me,
guess what?

I don't trust you.

I'll hire a lawyer

to protect my assets
from you...m.

Christine, you don't have
anything I want.

Yeah, I know that, Barb.

You made that perfectly clear
on our honeymoon.

Christine, I am so glad
that you came to see me.

I am in a perfect position
to help you.

When I think
about the injustice

that you suffered
at the hands of that woman,

it makes me so sick,

I would handle your case
for nothing.

But I respect you
too much for that.

Well, thank you, Your Honor.

We are going to make her pay

for everything
that she's done to you.

We're going to start
by freezing her assets

and garnishing her wages.

Uh, you know what?

Before we start freezing
and garnishing,

I'm starting to feel
a little bit weird about this.

Um, Barb is my best friend.

And I just got angry and I tend
to be very impulsive

when I'm angry.

I'm the reason
that you can't bring

water bottles into Dodger
games.

So, um, yeah, I think I've
changed my mind about this.

Oh, I see.
You're one of those.

Oh, yeah. I am.

One of what?

Let me ask you something.

Please, sit.

How did your last divorce go?

Oh, it was easy.

Um, yeah, my ex and I share
custody of our son.

And we split everything else
down the middle, even Steven.

How much alimony
does he pay you?

Oh. I-I didn't really

feel comfortable asking for
alimony.

I'm a Democrat.

Wow, no alimony.

You do own a piece
of his business, though?

Oh, I didn't really feel
comfortable asking for that.

I'm a feminist.

But you were comfortable
starting from scratch

after you bore him
a child and gave him

the best years of your life?

Uh, yeah, I'm comfortable
with that.

I'm an idiot.

Okay, so no money,
no business, no nothing.

Let's get married.

Okay. Oh, sorry.

It's an automatic response.

Christine,
when are you going

to stop letting people take
advantage of you?

When are you going
to stop being such a giver?

You know, this is not the
first time I have heard that.

All right, so what's it
going to take

to have you start
fighting back?

Well, I... I don't want
to fight Barb.

She's my friend.

And she's freakishly strong.

She's the reason
you can't buy beer

after the seventh inning
at Dodger games.

All right.

Who started the gym?
Me.

Who married her best friend
to keep her in the country?

Me.
st her figurerrafter childbirth?

Uh...
You.

And all you're
asking for in return

is dignity, respect,

and the acknowledgement
of the value

you have in this relationship.

What else do you have left?

Uh... Nothing.

Nothing.

Are you two
actually eating?

Yeah. You wearing
a girl's shirt?

Okay, there's a good reason
for that.

I look good in girls' shirts.

Where's the tacos?

We ate them.
Want to go get more?

After I finish this taco.

Shouldn't you be doing this
in the privacy of your
bathroom?

No, we've given up.
What's the point?

You know what happened
at the mall the other day?

This group of teenage boys
were staring at us.

We thought they were
hitting on us.

Then they asked us to walk them
into an R-rated movie.

And they called me "ma'am."

They called me "sir."

I should probably stop carrying

my cell phone
in my front pocket.

What brought all this on?

We have children
in middle school.

We've had our last babies.

You know, it's all
sort of hitting us

that our lives are over.
We have no purpose.

Our kids don't want
anything to do with us.

They won't even let us
drive them to school.

Well, then what are
you doing here?

Waiting for
a hot lunch.

Come on.
This is silly.

You are
two beautiful women

in the prime of your lives.

People would pay
to look like you do.

You pay to look
like you do.

Stop it.

Be specific.

Uh, well, Lindsay, uh,

you've got a sexy voice,
a fantastic profile

and you drive a great car.

Do me.

Uh, Marly,

you look like a Barbie doll
with your delicate features,

your perfect sense of style
and spacious guest house.

Matthew!
Matthew!

I mean, age isn't an issue for
you two; you're ageless.

Seriously,
the years go by,

but the face
doesn't change.

I mean, you could
be 20 or 500.

Thank you.

Are those
women's pants?

Oh, okay, actually there's
a really good reason for that.

I have this high waist.

And I look good
in women's pants.

You look better in women's
pants
than Lindsay does.

Lindsay,
move your phone.

I, I don't have my phone.

Matthew, today was
the day I realized

what's been holding me back
my entire life.

Addiction?
No.

Narcissism?

No.
Short attention span?

What are you eating?

No.

I have always been
too much of a giver.

No.
Yes, Matthew.

I have always been so busy

taking care of other people
that
I forgot to take care of
myself.

But that is about to change.

I'm going to sue Barb
for alimony.

What? Are you kidding?
That's insane.

Yeah, Howard said
you'd say that.

Who's Howard?
My attorney/fiancé.

He made me realize
that I put a lot

into this marriage and I
deserve
be compensated for it.

It was a sham marriage-- what
are you going to try to get?

My dignity and respect.

Is Howard a lawyer or a wizard?

Shut up or I'm going
to sue your ass, too.

Yeah, for what?

You live here rent-free.

You eat my food.

Howard said I'd be
well within my rights

to sue you for back rent.

Quid pro quo.

You don't know what that means.

Neither do you.
Fair enough.

Listen, I'm not
trying to hurt Barb,

I'm just trying
to get her respect.

Besides,
she got a lawyer first.

What am I supposed to do,
lie down and take it?

This isn't college.

That lawyer has talked you
into a decision

you're going to regret.

How are you so easily swayed
by other people's opinions?

Oh, Matthew, you don't know
what
you're talking about.

This man is very handsome.

It's wrong.
Barb is your best friend.

Yeah, and she'll appreciate me
even more after this.

Barbara Jean Baran?

Yeah, that's me.
You've been served.

Man, those Dodgers
need to let it go.

(cheerily):
Hello.

Marly, Lindsay,
what are you doing here?

We're your 2:00
appointment.

You're our new therapist.

Oh. No.

I'm not. I can't.

It's illegal.

I don't want to.
I'm booked up.

I'm dying.

Come on, Matthew.

You're the only one
who understands us.

Oh, no, I swear I don't.

But you really helped
us the other day.

You made us feel
good about ourselves.

Yeah, we stopped
eating in public.

You made us healthy again.

Then today, we started
feeling bad again

and we realized that maybe
blem is deeperttthan we thought.

Yeah, we're scared, Matthew.

We need help.
We need you.

Okay, I'll see what I can do.

Why do I have to be so good
with crazy women?

Uh, why don't you tell me
when your depression started.

Do you have
a family history of it?

What? What is that?
I... I don't know.

No, we don't, we don't
t that kind of therapy.vvNo. No.

We've had 20 years
of that nonsense.

(laughing)
Okay, so...

No. Do, do the therapy
that you did yesterday.

I didn't do anything yesterday.

Sure you did.
You said we were pretty.

(sultry): And something
about my voice.

So I think we can
make this real quick.

My client is willing to
ttle for a onetimettcash payment

of $25,000.

(gasping, wheezing):
Oh, my God.

$25,000!

Wow, that's so much.

Obviously, she believes
she's due much more,

but in the interest
of friendship,

she's willing to settle
for $25,000.

$25,000.

Well, my client is--

His client is going to have
to beat your client's ass.

Christine, what in the hell
are you doing?

I'm protecting myself.

You hired a lawyer first.

What could I possibly
owe you money for?

For everything that
I've done for you.

I kept you
in this country.

I kept you from being deported.

I kept them from kicking you
out of America.

I allowed you
to stay in the USA.

You didn't have
to leave our nation.

I could go on.

Okay, what about all
the things I've done for you?

(scoffs)
Name one.

I took you in
after your divorce.

I bailed out your business.

I ran your business.
I helped raise your kid.

I taught you how to use
a computer.

I taught you how
to use a telephone.

I've hid wine from you.
I've hid food from you.

I've Heimlich'd you,
like, seven times.

I said "name one."

If anyone owes
anyone anything, you owe me.

God, I can't believe
we lost this one.

My client has reconsidered.

We'll now settle for $27,000.

$27,000?!

You're so good at this.

And you work out, huh?

What are you basing this on?

His bicep is huge.

Look, your mean
client is trying

to intimidate
my crazy client.

She also tried
to get my client

to do something illegal.

Not to mention the toll
that this marriage

took on my client's figure.

$35,000!

Show them.

Show them the back.

I, I don't,
I don't want to.

$50,000.

You know what?
You are unbelievable.

Oh, yeah, Barb,
that's right--

you just walk out,

just like you did
on our marriage.

(scoffs)

I'd... I'd go after her
but I don't want everyone

looking at my butt.

Hi, today I thought
you could take

the Kiersey
personality test.

I think if we get
a better understanding

of your personality types,
we can find out

where this underlying
depression might be coming
from.

No.
No.

Look, I know you want me
to compliment you...

Yes.
Yes.

Marly, Lindsay,
is not whatrrI do for a living.

You have this earnest
your voicerrwhen you talk to us.

Yeah.

You know, it's
ntimatelyrrunderstand sad women.

I borrow clothes
from a very sad woman.

Look, I am sorry.

I am a trained therapist.

I... I don't feel right
taking $125 from you

to say you're beautiful
for an hour.

What if we paid
you $750 an hour?

What if we talked about
your gorgeous green eyes?

Barb! You're here.

Does this mean
you're not mad at me?

No, it does not mean that.

Wait.

It does not mean
you're not mad at me

or it does mean
you're not not mad at me?

Uh, okay, let's do this
differently.

Uh, mad: yes or no?

No.

No, you don't want to do it
differently

or no you're not mad at me?

Here.
What is this?

It's a check-- $25,000,
just like you wanted.

Oh, Barb, I... I don't want
to split hairs here,

but I think the figure
that we agreed on was $50,000.

But, in the spirit
of friendship,

I'll take it.

You're welcome.

Okay, so I'll sign
the divorce papers

and then we'll get back
to the way things were.

There are no papers.

My lawyer found a loophole
to get our marriage annulled

because we never
consummated it.

Well, I told you
I would've if you would've.

And I told you
s not enoughrrtequila in Mexico.

Well, so, we're good?
We're back?

We're done.

Good-bye, Christine.

"Good-bye"?

Enjoy your check.

Oh, come on. Barb!

Barb!

You know what?
You started this.

You can't make me feel bad,
all right?

I do not feel bad!

Matthew, I feel bad.

But rich,
which makes me happy.

But lonely,
which makes me feel sad.

I don't think Barb
wants to be my friend anymore.

Well, of course she doesn't
want
to be your friend anymore.

You sued her for alimony.

And I won,
which makes me happy.

But Barb left me,
which makes me...

I know,
I've been on this ride.

I've got my own problems.

Marly and Lindsay have been
coming to my office...

Hey!

Oh, I thought you were done.

No!

Listen, Marly and Lindsay
have been

coming to my office for
therapy.

Hey!

What?
You're still not done?

How long is this story?

God, it's like
Lord of the Rings.

Marly and Lindsay are paying me

$750 an hour
to compliment them.

Well, taking that kind of money
from Marly and Lindsay

is unethical.

What?

You just sued
your best friend.

At least I'm
providing a service.

But I didn't want to.

I mean, when she got that
lawyer, it made me realize--

maybe she doesn't think of our
friendship the way that I do.

I mean, I would trust her
with my life, Matthew.

I'm leaving Ritchie to her.

Hey!

Oh, relax, you're third.

Think of poor Richard,
he's sixth.

But I mean,
I love Barb, you know?

It's just

she made me feel like
our marriage was nothing.

It wasn't nothing.

It was one in a
series of wonderful

illegal things you've done
during your friendship.

You know you have to
give that money back.

You know you have to give
and Lindsayrr their money back.

Or we could talk about
your beautiful brown eyes.

Go on.

Now that we're
actually doing this,

I'm feeling
a little nervous.

I can't get in trouble
for this, can I?

Five years in jail,
$250,000 fine.

Oh, my God!
Why didn't you tell me that?

I can't go to jail.

(quietly): I can't pee in
front of men, you know that.

We're not going to get caught.

If anyone asks any questions,
just answer truthfully.

We've known each other
for 26 years.

You married my best friend,
then got divorced.

After that settled,
we found each other

and knew that this was meant
to be, and fell in love.

Aw, sweetie, what a great
story to tell our kids.

God, I've got to stop
marrying Campbells.

Stay here, I'm gonna find out
how long the wait is.

All right, honey.

Oh, did I miss it?

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm your maid of honor.

And your ex-wife.

And your best friend.

No, I paid you off.

I'm done with you.

Best money I ever spent.

Barb, I can't
take your money.

I am giving you
your check back.

I just needed to know
that you love me.

That you care about me.

(clears throat)
That you don't hate me.

I don't hate you.

Oh, I love you, too, Barb.

I am so sorry.
Please take me back.

I don't know what
I'd do without you.

I'm sorry, too.
I got screwed in my last
divorce

and was a little defensive.

I never should've hired
that lawyer.

Hey! Christine,
why is this check

signed and stamped
"Insufficient Funds"?

Oh, Barb, we could spend all
day
trying to figure that out.

Damn it, Christine.
You tried to cash this?

Well, I don't want to
point fingers, Barb.

I mean, I may have
tried to cash it,

but you also wrote me
a bad check.

There's only $40
in that account.

Hey... I just
ht of a greatrrway to celebrate.

No sandwiches.

And now, if there's
nothing else...

There's nothing else.
What else could there be?

There's nothing else.

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

No, he may not.

Oh, I'll do it.

I need you to understand that
what you're asking of me

cheapens me and it cheapens
therapists everywhere.

I'm a professional.

And I can't take money just
to stroke your ego.

I mean, it, it is degrading,
and I will not do it.

Okay, Matthew,
we get it.

You already told us
"no more compliments."

We're giving you
$1,000 for the hour.

Start rubbing.

Is this pressure okay for you?

Do me.