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00:00:02,393 --> 00:00:03,703
Previously on Old Christine:
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00:00:03,699 --> 00:00:06,009
I took your advice.
I think I'm in love.
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00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:07,176
I think I'm in love.
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00:00:07,181 --> 00:00:09,051
Oh, I know
I'm in love.
5
00:00:09,052 --> 00:00:11,662
ALL:
We're in love!
We're in love! We're in love!
6
00:00:11,663 --> 00:00:13,233
I had an amazing
two-night stand
7
00:00:13,230 --> 00:00:16,970
with an amazing guy, and now I'm
going home... alone.
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00:00:18,409 --> 00:00:20,109
I'm an immigration officer,
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00:00:20,107 --> 00:00:22,237
and I think I have
to arrest you.
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00:00:22,239 --> 00:00:23,759
I'm looking for Jeff Hunter.
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00:00:23,762 --> 00:00:25,242
I'm Sarah, his fiancé.
12
00:00:25,242 --> 00:00:27,592
[coughs]
13
00:00:27,592 --> 00:00:29,072
[organ playing
"Here Comes the Bride"]
14
00:00:29,072 --> 00:00:31,682
[whispers]:
Where is she?
15
00:00:38,125 --> 00:00:41,075
Still not as bad
as our wedding.
16
00:00:41,084 --> 00:00:43,044
Do you think?
17
00:00:45,915 --> 00:00:47,605
Christine, I really need
to talk to you.
18
00:00:47,612 --> 00:00:49,572
I can explain everything.
Just call me back, please, baby.
19
00:00:49,571 --> 00:00:50,961
I love you!
20
00:00:50,963 --> 00:00:52,843
Let me talk to her, okay?
I can fix this.
21
00:00:52,835 --> 00:00:57,615
Christine? Listen,
if you're with your dad,
22
00:00:57,622 --> 00:01:02,762
you tell him that no one treats
Christine Campbell that way.
23
00:01:02,758 --> 00:01:08,368
Well, not, not no one,
but... everyone.
24
00:01:08,372 --> 00:01:10,112
And tell him that I-I love him.
25
00:01:10,113 --> 00:01:11,423
Here, give me the phone.
26
00:01:11,419 --> 00:01:12,859
Give me the phone.
Give me the phone.
27
00:01:12,855 --> 00:01:15,335
Listen, listen, Christine,
I know, I know
28
00:01:15,336 --> 00:01:18,116
you're going through something
really big right now,
29
00:01:18,121 --> 00:01:19,471
but if you're with
your sister,
30
00:01:19,470 --> 00:01:22,080
tell her I don't appreciate
being led on.
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00:01:22,082 --> 00:01:23,432
And that I really love her.
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00:01:23,431 --> 00:01:25,261
Give me that.
Give me that.
Give me that.
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00:01:25,259 --> 00:01:27,519
Christine, listen to me.
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00:01:27,522 --> 00:01:30,532
Great, you used up all the room
on her answering machine.
35
00:01:30,525 --> 00:01:32,435
I'm gonna text her.
36
00:01:32,440 --> 00:01:34,220
Okay, then I'm gonna
text her dad.
37
00:01:34,224 --> 00:01:38,014
Then if I could
just text her sister.
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00:01:38,010 --> 00:01:40,880
I don't know why
they left us.
39
00:01:40,883 --> 00:01:44,193
Oh, Ritchie,
come here. Sit down.
40
00:01:44,191 --> 00:01:46,281
Sit down.
41
00:01:46,280 --> 00:01:47,890
Okay,
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00:01:47,890 --> 00:01:51,330
I need to explain to you
what's going on.
43
00:01:51,328 --> 00:01:52,978
It's complicated grown-up stuff,
44
00:01:52,982 --> 00:01:55,162
so if you don't understand
everything,
45
00:01:55,158 --> 00:01:56,638
it's okay to ask questions.
46
00:01:56,638 --> 00:01:58,158
You got dumped by New Christine.
47
00:02:00,163 --> 00:02:02,083
Any questions?
48
00:02:02,078 --> 00:02:04,298
Okay, Ritchie, go upstairs,
get your stuff together.
49
00:02:04,298 --> 00:02:05,688
You're going to Grandma and
Grandpa's for the weekend.
50
00:02:05,690 --> 00:02:06,820
Ooh, can I tell them
51
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,002
that New Christine dumped Dad?
52
00:02:07,997 --> 00:02:09,217
I called them
from the church.
53
00:02:09,216 --> 00:02:11,086
Go change your clothes,
okay, honey?
54
00:02:11,087 --> 00:02:12,177
All right.
Okay.
55
00:02:12,175 --> 00:02:13,995
God, I hate this day!
56
00:02:14,003 --> 00:02:16,753
Your weddings
are always bad luck for me.
57
00:02:16,745 --> 00:02:18,045
Yeah, it was worse for me.
58
00:02:18,050 --> 00:02:20,580
No one has had a worse day
than me.
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00:02:33,153 --> 00:02:36,423
I don't know if I'm ready
to see her like this.
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00:02:36,417 --> 00:02:39,637
You know what they say:
God only gives you
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00:02:39,637 --> 00:02:43,947
what you're strong enough
to handle.
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00:02:43,946 --> 00:02:46,076
I'll be strong.
63
00:02:46,078 --> 00:02:48,208
Oh, thank you.
64
00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:55,650
Barb!
65
00:02:57,525 --> 00:02:59,785
[sobbing]
66
00:03:01,224 --> 00:03:02,364
I'm done here.
67
00:03:02,356 --> 00:03:06,526
No, no, wait, wait!
68
00:03:06,534 --> 00:03:09,364
Barb, oh, my God,
are you okay?
69
00:03:09,363 --> 00:03:11,023
What happened to you?
70
00:03:11,016 --> 00:03:12,836
The guy I picked up
at the wedding
71
00:03:12,844 --> 00:03:14,764
was an immigration officer.
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00:03:14,759 --> 00:03:17,199
He's trying to ship me back
to the Bahamas.
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00:03:17,197 --> 00:03:19,757
Oh, that's horrible.
74
00:03:19,764 --> 00:03:21,904
I had a bad time, too.
75
00:03:23,594 --> 00:03:26,214
Papa Jeff is engaged!
76
00:03:26,206 --> 00:03:27,856
Engaged?
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00:03:27,859 --> 00:03:29,509
Yes!
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00:03:29,513 --> 00:03:34,213
After you wasted 15 minutes
of your life on him?
79
00:03:34,214 --> 00:03:37,574
Man, I feel guilty even talking
about being forced
80
00:03:37,565 --> 00:03:40,995
to marry my cellmate
in a prison ceremony.
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00:03:41,003 --> 00:03:43,223
But he kissed me.
82
00:03:43,223 --> 00:03:44,493
And that's not nothing!
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00:03:44,485 --> 00:03:46,485
I got kissed, too.
84
00:03:46,487 --> 00:03:49,227
And that sure as hell
wasn't nothing.
85
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:51,539
Okay, all right,
you win.
86
00:03:51,535 --> 00:03:54,185
God, I have got to get you
out of here.
87
00:03:54,190 --> 00:03:55,540
Look what they're
making you wear.
88
00:03:55,539 --> 00:03:57,499
You look terrible.
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00:03:57,498 --> 00:04:00,238
These are my clothes.
90
00:04:02,285 --> 00:04:04,545
Well, look at how
they roughed you up.
91
00:04:04,548 --> 00:04:08,118
They didn't.
92
00:04:08,117 --> 00:04:09,287
All right, okay,
let's just move
93
00:04:09,292 --> 00:04:10,552
past this area.
94
00:04:10,554 --> 00:04:13,214
I'm going to get you
the best lawyer.
95
00:04:13,209 --> 00:04:14,819
I already talked to a lawyer.
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00:04:14,819 --> 00:04:16,519
It's possible
they can get me papers,
97
00:04:16,517 --> 00:04:17,997
but they're gonna send me back
to the Bahamas
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00:04:17,996 --> 00:04:19,256
in the meantime.
99
00:04:19,259 --> 00:04:21,039
Christine,
I can't go back there.
100
00:04:21,043 --> 00:04:23,093
Because of the pirates?
101
00:04:28,224 --> 00:04:31,014
Yes, because of the pirates.
102
00:04:31,009 --> 00:04:33,659
Okay, I am not going
103
00:04:33,664 --> 00:04:35,624
to let them send you
back there, okay?
104
00:04:35,623 --> 00:04:38,543
You are the most important
person in the world to me.
105
00:04:38,539 --> 00:04:41,459
Okay, I need you to get on a
plane and go to the Bahamas.
106
00:04:41,455 --> 00:04:43,885
You're gonna find this guy
named Bongo.
107
00:04:43,892 --> 00:04:45,812
He used to work
for the State Department.
108
00:04:45,807 --> 00:04:49,287
Now he sells weed and gets
people illegal visas.
109
00:04:49,289 --> 00:04:51,119
At least he can buy me
some time.
110
00:04:51,116 --> 00:04:53,416
Okay, well, you can count on me,
all right?
111
00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:55,123
I mean, I know
in our relationship
112
00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:57,120
you're the strong one
and I'm the brainy one.
113
00:04:57,122 --> 00:04:59,392
No.
114
00:04:59,386 --> 00:05:03,296
But I will not let you down.
115
00:05:13,313 --> 00:05:16,233
I'm gonna pay for that tonight
in my cell.
116
00:05:20,189 --> 00:05:21,449
Christine, come on.
Open the door.
117
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:23,021
I don't have my key.
118
00:05:23,018 --> 00:05:25,798
I know you're in there.
I see your car.
119
00:05:25,803 --> 00:05:28,283
You have to listen to me.
120
00:05:28,284 --> 00:05:31,244
I don't care
about Old Christine.
121
00:05:31,243 --> 00:05:34,333
I love you. I want to marry you.
122
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,384
This was supposed
to be our wedding night.
123
00:05:36,379 --> 00:05:38,249
It was supposed to be beautiful.
124
00:05:38,250 --> 00:05:41,520
Right now we should be flying
off to our honeymoon,
125
00:05:41,515 --> 00:05:45,385
making love in the airplane
bathroom...
126
00:05:45,388 --> 00:05:49,568
you squished against
that cold metal sink,
127
00:05:49,566 --> 00:05:52,866
head pressed against
the "No smoking" sign.
128
00:05:52,874 --> 00:05:55,834
Okay, it wasn't gonna be
that great for you,
129
00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:57,403
but I was really looking forward
to it.
130
00:05:57,400 --> 00:06:02,140
And you promised.
That's a vow you don't break!
131
00:06:02,144 --> 00:06:05,714
All right, well, I'm not leaving
until you talk to me.
132
00:06:05,713 --> 00:06:07,503
I don't care how long it takes.
133
00:06:07,497 --> 00:06:09,187
I'll wait for you.
134
00:06:16,985 --> 00:06:18,935
Excellent.
135
00:06:21,163 --> 00:06:23,383
[rings attendant call button]
136
00:06:24,819 --> 00:06:26,429
Hi. Can I get a glass of wine?
137
00:06:26,429 --> 00:06:28,869
We haven't even closed
the cabin doors yet.
138
00:06:28,866 --> 00:06:31,866
Oh, right. Sorry.
139
00:06:31,869 --> 00:06:35,049
Just a bit of a nervous flyer,
and wine calms me down.
140
00:06:35,046 --> 00:06:36,086
Helps me sleep.
141
00:06:36,091 --> 00:06:38,141
Makes me happy.
142
00:06:39,311 --> 00:06:40,701
But rules are rules,
143
00:06:40,704 --> 00:06:43,844
so I'll see you when
those cabin doors close.
144
00:06:45,448 --> 00:06:48,148
You know, security
took my wine.
145
00:06:48,146 --> 00:06:50,186
What am I supposed to do?
146
00:06:50,192 --> 00:06:52,192
Wait 15 minutes.
147
00:06:54,065 --> 00:06:55,365
What's all that stuff?
148
00:06:55,371 --> 00:06:57,901
Oh, nothing.
Just a few travel essentials:
149
00:06:57,895 --> 00:07:01,855
passport pouch, neck pillow,
pre-packaged snacks,
150
00:07:01,856 --> 00:07:04,286
three ounces of hand sanitizer.
151
00:07:04,293 --> 00:07:08,993
All I brought were two tampons
and shark repellent.
152
00:07:08,993 --> 00:07:12,083
This is why you and I have
never vacationed before.
153
00:07:12,083 --> 00:07:14,173
No, we're not
on a vacation together.
154
00:07:14,172 --> 00:07:16,092
Matthew, we're on a mission
to save Barb.
155
00:07:16,087 --> 00:07:17,347
That may be,
but it's no reason
156
00:07:17,349 --> 00:07:19,439
not to be comfortable
and moist.
157
00:07:22,224 --> 00:07:23,534
You didn't bring a mister?
158
00:07:23,530 --> 00:07:26,140
Apparently not.
159
00:07:26,141 --> 00:07:27,971
[thud]
160
00:07:27,969 --> 00:07:29,839
Ooh, cabin doors are closed.
161
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,410
Bar's open.
162
00:07:31,407 --> 00:07:33,277
[pressing attendant call button
repeatedly]
163
00:07:33,278 --> 00:07:36,888
♪ Ooh, oh-oh.
164
00:07:36,891 --> 00:07:38,411
Hey, Barb.
165
00:07:38,414 --> 00:07:41,204
How you doing?
166
00:07:41,199 --> 00:07:44,199
Really?
167
00:07:44,202 --> 00:07:46,162
You're gonna continue
to romance me
168
00:07:46,161 --> 00:07:48,771
even after you landed me
in the joint?
169
00:07:48,772 --> 00:07:51,382
It's not the joint.
You're in a dorm.
170
00:07:51,383 --> 00:07:54,083
You have cable
and a mini fridge.
171
00:07:54,082 --> 00:07:56,002
Are you always
this dramatic?
172
00:07:55,997 --> 00:07:58,777
Yes. Especially in the sack.
173
00:07:58,782 --> 00:08:02,052
Too bad you're not gonna find
that out.
174
00:08:02,046 --> 00:08:04,696
I was just doing my job.
I'm an immigration officer.
175
00:08:04,701 --> 00:08:06,661
You shouldn't have told me
you were here illegally.
176
00:08:06,660 --> 00:08:09,530
We were sharing intimate details
with each other.
177
00:08:09,532 --> 00:08:12,012
[loudly]:
Like how you told me you had VD!
178
00:08:12,013 --> 00:08:13,883
What?
179
00:08:13,884 --> 00:08:15,454
I don't have VD!
180
00:08:15,451 --> 00:08:18,021
That's not what I wrote
in the bathroom.
181
00:08:18,019 --> 00:08:20,799
Come on, Barb.
I'm sorry.
182
00:08:20,804 --> 00:08:23,154
If I hadn't done anything with
that information you gave me,
183
00:08:23,154 --> 00:08:24,634
I could have lost my job.
184
00:08:24,634 --> 00:08:26,424
But I'm gonna help you
get out of this.
185
00:08:26,418 --> 00:08:27,988
I don't need your help.
186
00:08:27,985 --> 00:08:30,505
I have friends on the outside,
and they are on it.
187
00:08:34,905 --> 00:08:36,685
What is that?
Can I have a bite?
188
00:08:36,690 --> 00:08:38,130
No, you can't have a bite.
189
00:08:38,126 --> 00:08:39,736
You made fun.
190
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:41,606
I can't help it.
In our relationship,
191
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,608
you're the strong one,
I'm the funny one.
192
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:47,350
No, I'm the smart one
and you are the hungry one.
193
00:08:47,352 --> 00:08:48,922
Headphones?
194
00:08:48,919 --> 00:08:50,229
I have.
195
00:08:50,225 --> 00:08:51,355
I'll take some headphones.
196
00:08:51,356 --> 00:08:52,916
Okay, that's five dollars.
197
00:08:52,923 --> 00:08:56,543
Five dollars?
For a Jeremy Piven movie?
198
00:08:56,536 --> 00:08:59,666
God, you should be paying me.
199
00:08:59,669 --> 00:09:01,369
Oh, and while
you're here...
200
00:09:01,366 --> 00:09:02,846
Oh, let me guess.
Wine?
201
00:09:02,846 --> 00:09:04,586
Oh, wine.
202
00:09:04,587 --> 00:09:06,847
Uh, that's a good idea.
203
00:09:06,850 --> 00:09:08,720
I didn't think of that.
204
00:09:08,722 --> 00:09:10,992
You sent a note to the pilot.
205
00:09:10,985 --> 00:09:12,415
Yeah, just get it.
206
00:09:12,421 --> 00:09:14,681
Six dollars.
207
00:09:14,684 --> 00:09:16,514
Six dollars
208
00:09:16,512 --> 00:09:18,382
for a glass of wine?
209
00:09:18,383 --> 00:09:20,563
God, it's not a bottle.
210
00:09:21,822 --> 00:09:23,302
I just gave you all my cash.
211
00:09:23,301 --> 00:09:24,961
Then I guess
you don't get any wine.
212
00:09:24,955 --> 00:09:29,865
You know, why must you insist
on being so rude?
213
00:09:29,873 --> 00:09:31,663
You don't know me at all,
214
00:09:31,658 --> 00:09:34,748
but I am really stressed out
right now, okay?
215
00:09:34,748 --> 00:09:37,268
My wife is being detained
and possibly deported,
216
00:09:37,272 --> 00:09:39,322
and I could really use
that wine.
217
00:09:39,317 --> 00:09:41,487
I mean, imagine if your wife
were in that situation.
218
00:09:41,493 --> 00:09:42,933
Pardon me for assuming.
219
00:09:42,930 --> 00:09:44,850
I don't think
I'm going out on a limb,
220
00:09:44,845 --> 00:09:48,675
given your achy-breaky hairdo
and boxer-short panty lines.
221
00:09:52,635 --> 00:09:54,855
What is his problem?
222
00:09:54,855 --> 00:09:57,635
You must...
223
00:09:57,640 --> 00:10:00,030
shut... up.
224
00:10:25,799 --> 00:10:27,539
[grunts]
225
00:10:30,978 --> 00:10:32,628
[grunts]
226
00:10:45,819 --> 00:10:47,389
[whispers]:
Matthew...
227
00:10:52,086 --> 00:10:53,606
Matthew!
228
00:10:55,916 --> 00:10:57,866
I can't sleep.
I need a pillow.
229
00:10:57,874 --> 00:10:59,754
You have a pillow.
230
00:10:59,746 --> 00:11:01,966
No, I can't use that one.
I found a curly hair on it.
231
00:11:01,965 --> 00:11:06,005
I almost threw up.
[gagging]
232
00:11:06,013 --> 00:11:08,363
You should have brought
your own pillow like I did.
233
00:11:08,363 --> 00:11:09,933
[sighs]
234
00:11:11,322 --> 00:11:13,062
[groans]
235
00:11:13,063 --> 00:11:15,203
[sighs]
236
00:11:39,394 --> 00:11:41,534
[groans]
237
00:11:43,790 --> 00:11:45,050
[sighs sharply]
238
00:12:16,605 --> 00:12:19,515
[hissing loudly]
239
00:12:30,750 --> 00:12:33,670
Ma'am!
240
00:12:33,665 --> 00:12:35,795
You can't inflate that life
vest. It's only for emergencies.
241
00:12:35,798 --> 00:12:37,448
No, no, no.
It was an emergency.
242
00:12:37,452 --> 00:12:40,412
I found a curly hair
on my pillow.
243
00:12:40,411 --> 00:12:42,411
It's FAA regulations.
244
00:12:42,413 --> 00:12:43,943
Give me that vest.
245
00:12:43,937 --> 00:12:45,547
You give me that wine,
I'll give you the vest.
246
00:12:45,547 --> 00:12:47,587
No.
I'll take a beer.
I'll take a beer.
247
00:12:47,592 --> 00:12:49,292
Ma'am. Ma'am.
248
00:12:51,945 --> 00:12:55,775
God, that stewardess
was awful.
249
00:12:55,775 --> 00:12:57,595
I'm-I'm going to file
a complaint against her.
250
00:12:57,602 --> 00:12:59,472
She was openly rude to me.
251
00:12:59,474 --> 00:13:01,434
In that complaint, you might
want to leave out the fact
252
00:13:01,432 --> 00:13:05,572
that you alternately referred to
her as a "waitress" and "sir."
253
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,127
Please have your
passports out.
254
00:13:07,134 --> 00:13:08,834
Got it right here.
God.
255
00:13:08,831 --> 00:13:11,181
Don't get it twisted
all up in your bra.
256
00:13:12,356 --> 00:13:13,576
Dork.
257
00:13:13,575 --> 00:13:14,875
Passport, please.
258
00:13:18,275 --> 00:13:20,835
Oh. Oh, God.
259
00:13:20,843 --> 00:13:22,713
You know what?
I-I think I left my, uh...
260
00:13:22,714 --> 00:13:25,544
my wallet and my passport
in the seat pocket on the plane.
261
00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:27,073
So I just have
to go back and get it.
262
00:13:27,067 --> 00:13:28,197
You can't go back.
263
00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:30,418
No, no. I have to go back.
264
00:13:30,418 --> 00:13:32,768
My passport is on the plane.
265
00:13:32,768 --> 00:13:34,728
Do you have your ticket?
Your ID?
266
00:13:34,726 --> 00:13:37,636
It's all on the plane. So...
267
00:13:37,642 --> 00:13:39,382
Oh, this is my waitress.
268
00:13:39,383 --> 00:13:41,123
Um, I think that I...
269
00:13:41,124 --> 00:13:43,524
Wow. Sir?
270
00:13:49,698 --> 00:13:51,828
[groans sharply]
271
00:13:54,050 --> 00:13:56,230
Ow. Back.
272
00:13:58,054 --> 00:13:59,884
Ow. Front.
273
00:13:59,882 --> 00:14:02,062
[groaning]
274
00:14:08,064 --> 00:14:09,544
Good morning, Christine!
275
00:14:09,544 --> 00:14:11,634
That's right. I'm still here
276
00:14:11,633 --> 00:14:14,463
and I'm not going anywhere!
277
00:14:14,462 --> 00:14:16,682
Except to pee.
278
00:14:16,681 --> 00:14:18,031
Oh, boy. Where do I pee?
279
00:14:18,031 --> 00:14:20,211
Oh.
280
00:14:27,040 --> 00:14:28,610
[sighs]
281
00:14:28,606 --> 00:14:31,566
Richard? What are
you doing here?
282
00:14:31,566 --> 00:14:33,916
Christine. Where
did you come from?
283
00:14:33,916 --> 00:14:35,216
I thought you were inside.
284
00:14:35,222 --> 00:14:37,662
No. I stayed
at my mother's.
285
00:14:37,659 --> 00:14:41,709
Well, it's good to see you.
286
00:14:44,448 --> 00:14:45,968
I just came back to
check on the house.
Oh.
287
00:14:45,972 --> 00:14:47,502
My mom's waiting for me
out in the car.
288
00:14:47,495 --> 00:14:48,885
Hi, Mrs. Hunter!
289
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:50,058
[horn honking]
290
00:14:50,063 --> 00:14:53,073
I guess she's not over it yet.
291
00:14:53,066 --> 00:14:55,106
She's never going to
be over it, Richard.
292
00:14:55,111 --> 00:14:57,071
Seriously, if you
hear tires screeching,
293
00:14:57,070 --> 00:14:58,940
move out of the way.
294
00:14:58,941 --> 00:15:00,811
I really need to talk to you.
295
00:15:00,812 --> 00:15:03,472
And I am not leaving until
you hear what I have to say.
296
00:15:03,467 --> 00:15:05,207
Fine.
297
00:15:05,208 --> 00:15:07,518
I guess I'll water the herbs.
298
00:15:07,515 --> 00:15:09,205
They look a little dry.
299
00:15:10,126 --> 00:15:12,516
Oh... Oh.
300
00:15:12,520 --> 00:15:13,960
[horn honking]
301
00:15:13,956 --> 00:15:16,046
Come on out of the car,
Mrs. Hunter.
302
00:15:16,045 --> 00:15:18,085
Have some cilantro.
303
00:15:19,309 --> 00:15:21,049
You can't keep
me here forever.
304
00:15:21,050 --> 00:15:22,970
I am a US citizen.
305
00:15:22,965 --> 00:15:25,225
And without ID,
I have no way of knowing that.
306
00:15:25,228 --> 00:15:27,058
Oh, come on.
307
00:15:27,056 --> 00:15:30,226
I'm entitled. I'm obnoxious.
People hate me.
308
00:15:30,233 --> 00:15:32,453
Where the hell else
would I be from?
309
00:15:32,453 --> 00:15:34,113
[cell phone ringing]
310
00:15:34,107 --> 00:15:36,237
Okay, yeah.
That's right.
311
00:15:36,239 --> 00:15:38,589
This is America calling,
my friend,
312
00:15:38,589 --> 00:15:41,549
and you are going
to be in big trouble.
313
00:15:43,203 --> 00:15:45,073
Help.
314
00:15:45,074 --> 00:15:47,084
Christine, what's going on?
315
00:15:47,076 --> 00:15:48,986
Barb. Hey.
316
00:15:48,991 --> 00:15:50,511
Yeah. I'm in the Bahamas.
317
00:15:50,514 --> 00:15:52,044
And, um...
318
00:15:52,038 --> 00:15:55,688
It is a just, um...
beautiful country.
319
00:15:55,693 --> 00:15:59,053
Um, I just-I just have one,
uh, little problem, Barb.
320
00:15:59,045 --> 00:16:01,525
Um, my passport is missing
321
00:16:01,525 --> 00:16:04,615
and I'm being detained
in Immigration.
322
00:16:04,615 --> 00:16:07,485
How quickly
can you get down here?
323
00:16:07,488 --> 00:16:12,008
I'm trying not
to get down there!
324
00:16:12,014 --> 00:16:13,544
Oh! Oh!
325
00:16:13,537 --> 00:16:16,107
Matthew's back!
He must have found Bongo.
326
00:16:16,105 --> 00:16:17,625
Okay. I'll call you right back.
327
00:16:17,628 --> 00:16:19,978
Everything is going
to be okay, Barb.
328
00:16:19,979 --> 00:16:22,549
Is everything going
to be okay, Matthew?
329
00:16:22,546 --> 00:16:24,066
So, where have you been?
330
00:16:24,070 --> 00:16:27,330
I found the beach.
331
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:30,554
Wait, you-you-you sat on the
beach, getting your hair braided
332
00:16:30,554 --> 00:16:32,384
while I was here,
rotting in prison?
333
00:16:32,382 --> 00:16:33,952
I had to gather information.
334
00:16:33,949 --> 00:16:35,079
So, what did you find out?
335
00:16:35,081 --> 00:16:36,951
Bongo doesn't live here anymore.
336
00:16:36,952 --> 00:16:38,562
That's a good movie title.
337
00:16:38,562 --> 00:16:40,172
What?
338
00:16:40,173 --> 00:16:41,613
So, you didn't help at all?You know what?
339
00:16:41,609 --> 00:16:43,049
I'm sorry. I tried.
340
00:16:43,045 --> 00:16:45,605
I'm just so stoned.
341
00:16:46,831 --> 00:16:48,051
[laughing]
342
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,440
Why are you laughing?
343
00:16:49,443 --> 00:16:51,753
"Bongo doesn't
live here anymore."
344
00:16:51,749 --> 00:16:53,059
It's great.
345
00:16:53,055 --> 00:16:54,795
You know what?
346
00:16:54,796 --> 00:16:56,836
I've got to get out of here
if I'm going to help Barb.
347
00:16:56,841 --> 00:16:58,711
It's time to pull out
the secret weapons.
348
00:16:58,713 --> 00:17:01,193
I thought they got banned those
during the Cold War.
349
00:17:01,194 --> 00:17:03,154
Oh, shh.
350
00:17:03,152 --> 00:17:05,722
In Europe, you know,
men worship this kind of body.
351
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:07,640
You know
we're not in Europe, right?
352
00:17:07,635 --> 00:17:09,545
It doesn't matter where we are,
353
00:17:09,550 --> 00:17:12,510
as long as they are fluent
in boob.
354
00:17:15,643 --> 00:17:18,173
Señor?
355
00:17:20,561 --> 00:17:22,611
...and so, that's it.
356
00:17:22,606 --> 00:17:25,736
I love you and I promise,
if you take me back,
357
00:17:25,740 --> 00:17:27,090
you will never regret it.
358
00:17:27,089 --> 00:17:28,739
Oh, Richard.
359
00:17:28,743 --> 00:17:30,403
I really, really want to.
360
00:17:30,397 --> 00:17:32,397
Really? Oh, that's great.
361
00:17:32,399 --> 00:17:34,099
Hey, maybe we can
rebook the church.
362
00:17:34,096 --> 00:17:35,966
But I'm over you.
363
00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,226
What?
364
00:17:38,231 --> 00:17:40,061
Over me?
365
00:17:40,059 --> 00:17:42,099
Our wedding was yesterday.
366
00:17:42,104 --> 00:17:44,454
I'm still in the tuxedo.
367
00:17:44,454 --> 00:17:47,284
I don't live in the past.
368
00:17:47,283 --> 00:17:49,333
Yesterday.
369
00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,289
12 hours.
370
00:17:51,287 --> 00:17:53,417
Sorry. I made up my mind.
371
00:17:53,420 --> 00:17:55,340
And once I'm done, I'm done.
372
00:17:55,335 --> 00:17:57,945
That's why you've never heard
about my past boyfriends.
373
00:17:57,946 --> 00:17:59,246
It's because they
don't exist for me
374
00:17:59,252 --> 00:18:01,122
once I'm through with them.
375
00:18:01,123 --> 00:18:03,953
I can even sit through a Colin
Farrell movie and feel nothing.
376
00:18:03,952 --> 00:18:06,782
You dated Colin Farrell?
377
00:18:08,652 --> 00:18:10,652
Nothing.
378
00:18:10,654 --> 00:18:13,094
So...
379
00:18:13,092 --> 00:18:15,702
So, that's it?
380
00:18:15,703 --> 00:18:17,143
We're-We're through?
381
00:18:17,139 --> 00:18:20,139
Yeah.
382
00:18:20,142 --> 00:18:22,322
It was nice
seeing you, though.
383
00:18:26,279 --> 00:18:28,019
What are you doing?
384
00:18:28,019 --> 00:18:31,279
Marking time.
385
00:18:31,284 --> 00:18:35,164
You lose track of it in here.
386
00:18:35,157 --> 00:18:37,547
I'll help you out.
You've been here one day.
387
00:18:40,510 --> 00:18:41,900
I brought this for you.
388
00:18:41,903 --> 00:18:43,733
I don't want your gifts.
389
00:18:43,731 --> 00:18:46,131
Wait, what are those,
truffles?
390
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:49,125
Maybe I can trade them
for the top bunk.
391
00:18:49,128 --> 00:18:52,128
My prison wife is a big girl.
392
00:18:52,131 --> 00:18:54,351
Why do you keep
bringing me stuff?
393
00:18:54,350 --> 00:18:56,050
Because I feel terrible.
394
00:18:56,047 --> 00:18:57,397
I'm going crazy
trying to figure out
395
00:18:57,397 --> 00:18:59,227
how to get you
out of this.
396
00:18:59,225 --> 00:19:01,005
I mean, even if you married to
a man to stay in the country,
397
00:19:01,009 --> 00:19:02,529
I probably could have
looked the other way.
398
00:19:02,532 --> 00:19:04,232
Well, no men were offering.
399
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,840
That's hard to believe.
I bet there are a lot of guys
400
00:19:06,841 --> 00:19:09,191
who would be willing to be
in a fake marriage with you.
401
00:19:09,191 --> 00:19:11,321
I'd fake propose
to you in a minute.
402
00:19:11,324 --> 00:19:13,674
You would?
Of course.
403
00:19:13,674 --> 00:19:17,114
You're funny,
beautiful, and crazy.
404
00:19:17,112 --> 00:19:18,942
You're my perfect woman.
405
00:19:20,637 --> 00:19:23,857
And you'd be my perfect man
if you didn't have VD.
406
00:19:26,991 --> 00:19:28,521
I don't have VD.
407
00:19:29,342 --> 00:19:31,472
I... See?
408
00:19:34,390 --> 00:19:36,180
I think there's a way
I can help you.
409
00:19:36,175 --> 00:19:39,565
I think I have
the same idea.
410
00:19:39,569 --> 00:19:42,919
I start a small
fire in my cell.
411
00:19:42,920 --> 00:19:44,440
When the commotion
breaks out,
412
00:19:44,444 --> 00:19:46,274
you run in and
shoot me in the leg.
413
00:19:46,272 --> 00:19:48,192
That gets me
in the infirmary.
414
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:49,667
Barb, I'm not going
to shoot you.
415
00:19:49,666 --> 00:19:52,096
Why not? You said
you wanted to help.
416
00:19:52,103 --> 00:19:53,413
Because I don't have a gun.
417
00:19:53,409 --> 00:19:57,109
And I like you.
418
00:19:57,108 --> 00:20:00,288
Hmm. I like you
too... jackass.
419
00:20:06,074 --> 00:20:07,684
Oh, my God!
420
00:20:07,684 --> 00:20:09,864
Barb, you're here!
421
00:20:09,860 --> 00:20:11,950
Matthew, we did it!
422
00:20:13,124 --> 00:20:15,304
You didn't do anything.
423
00:20:15,301 --> 00:20:17,301
Oh, no. She did some things.
424
00:20:18,304 --> 00:20:20,484
Yeah, things I'm not proud of.
425
00:20:20,480 --> 00:20:21,830
Things she's a little proud of.
426
00:20:21,829 --> 00:20:24,269
Yeah. Things I'm
a little proud of.
427
00:20:24,266 --> 00:20:26,046
So, how'd you get out?
428
00:20:26,050 --> 00:20:28,750
Dave said if I married a man,
I could stay in the country.
429
00:20:28,749 --> 00:20:30,489
So, I got engaged.
430
00:20:30,490 --> 00:20:33,410
You are engaged to Dave?
431
00:20:33,406 --> 00:20:35,146
No, I like Dave.
432
00:20:36,496 --> 00:20:38,846
She's engaged to me.
433
00:20:41,370 --> 00:20:43,810
My life is over.
434
00:20:45,113 --> 00:20:46,903
Well, Matthew...
[chuckles]
435
00:20:46,897 --> 00:20:49,067
We did it.
28352
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