Original subtitles

LOUISA: Dear Aunt Hermione, I hope Belgium was good

and this letter reaches you safely in Dijon.

Mmm. Mustard!

We are all happy.

Larry is writing his third novel which is more than Leslie has read.

And Les has a girlfriend, Daphne.

But won't let us meet her.

Margo had ditched her boyfriend, Zoltan,

because we begged her to.

And Gerry, as ever, prefers his animal family to his human one.

I have given up searching for love.

So, with all my new free time, I'm thinking of learning the harp.

- (CAR HORN HONKS) - Or getting a cello

between my legs.

Time just for me.

It is gorgeous here.

I can see it, Gerry.

- He followed me. - (HONKS)

Infuriating.

That's what you said about most of them.

Scorpions don't follow people home.

I have nobody. I feel like a dog without an owner.

You are a terrific young woman, Margo.

You don't need someone to own you.

Thank you, lonely spinster.

- I am neither. I'm a... A busy widow. - MARGO: Ugh, even worse.

Look at this letter!

- (SCREAMING) - (WHINING AND BARKING)

I think I heard a crack.

Endless sodding animals.

I've broken my leg!

Unlikely, darling.

I just wrote to my aunt that we're all happy.

(MOANS IN PAIN)

Where's Leslie?

Oh, I'll show you.

(SCREAMS)

- (LAWRENCE GROANS) - (CHUCKLES)

Well, er, life hasn't showered Leslie with gifts.

He's allowed a girlfriend.

So, that's Daphne.

- Hello, Daphne! - No. No. No. No. It's not her.

He's got three girls.

- (GROANS) - I found these in his secret nook.

He's made the mistake of photographing his victims.

So what do you expect me to do about it?

I dunno.

(SIGHS)

LOUISA: Oh. Nice cardie.

Oh, God. They look like trouble.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

LOUISA: Well, tell your publisher that you won't use a pseudonym.

I've got no choice.

My last novel did so badly my name is commercial leprosy.

A pseudonym is when you use a name that isn't yours because...

I know what a pseudonym is.

Don't confuse boredom with ignorance.

Oh, please, Margo. Get a ruddy hobby.

LESLIE: Evening.

Is it true you have three girlfriends?

- Yes, it is. - (LAUGHS)

And do they all know about each other?

No, they don't.

LOUISA: I can't help thinking one would be simpler.

This makes up for all the time I had no girlfriends.

If you average it out, I have one girlfriend.

Lots of animals mate for life.

Yeah, that's what I'm going for.

Me too.

He doesn't mean they mate constantly throughout their life.

Have only one mate their whole life. Otters, penguins, the prairie vole.

Yeah, well, I'm not a prairie vole. I'm me.

It would be nice to meet your friends.

Oh, no. No.

I don't want you sticking your oar in.

Hermione will.

- She's coming back. - It's weed on you.

She's coming back again? Why?

Warmth. Renewal. Her friend Mr Anestis.

(CHUCKLING)

In fact, she's planning to stay permanently.

(SIGHS)

(GROANING)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(GOAT CRYING)

My niece Dionisia is Leslie girlfriend.

Soon, he will be family.

I'm afraid you're jumping ahead.

Leslie is seeing three girls.

- Three? - (GROANS)

Do you really think it's broken?

Yes.

All right. I'll fetch the doctor.

- As you insist, I've chosen a hobby. - LOUISA: Oh, good.

Making sculptures out of soap.

What?

Well, it seems stupid but so do a lot of things.

Like hockey and feet. And testicles.

(FLAMINGO SQUAWKS)

Is that the same flamingo?

Yes.

(BABY CRYING)

Oh, dear. Ah! Florence.

It's actually your husband I wanted to see.

- Larry's got... - Hold this.

Ooh.

(BABY CRYING)

(SIGHS)

Little Adonis.

Isn't he a sweetie?

Fatuous bloody name!

Not so much Adonis, more a Dennis!

No, he's... He's bonnie.

Leslie was a monstrous troll of a baby.

And he's not exactly Clark Gable now!

(SIGHS)

Look, Florence it will get easier.

You've waited so long for this baby.

So, what's happened to Larry?

Well, he thinks he's fractured his leg tripping over the dog.

They kept him quiet for all of three seconds.

(LAUGHS) These might be a bit sharp.

Oh, boo-hoo. Well, I can't help. My husband's in Kavos.

They have a backlog of cases. Dr Frangos is working.

I'm a better doctor than Dr Frangos.

Larry needs an X-ray more than a doctor.

And where could he get one of those?

Athens. Naples.

Turn left out of the house. Try Istanbul.

Well, this is ridiculous.

Yes, it is.

But Larry is no stranger to accidents and illnesses.

- He obviously likes the attention. - You may not be interested

in being a good parent but I am.

So I'll try another way.

And I'm sorry you don't think Leslie's handsome

but he has three girlfriends.

(CHUCKLES)

Do you have any remedies for excess libido?

Childbirth.

(FLAMINGO QUACKING)

(SQUAWKS)

(FLAMINGO SQUAWKING)

Mrs Durrell. Founder of a dynasty. What a pleasure.

How delightful to find someone who isn't grumpy or cross with me.

Oh, yes. There's lots of crossness. Even on a Greek island.

Because they have no thermocyclops to keep them happy.

Oh. He's in here, is he?

Several hundred of them. It's more of a soup, really.

Hmm. But it's Larry I'm here about.

He suspects he's broken his leg.

Oh, dear.

Florence can't help and well, there's no backup.

You have medical training. What can I do?

I'd love to help but I didn't qualify as a doctor.

Besides, who else will monitor the thermocyclops and other copepods?

Well, that's one defective son. On to the next.

LOUISA: Hello, Spiros.

SPIROS: Mrs Durrell.

- Home? - Yes, please.

I would walk but I have a favour to ask.

Anything.

This is one occasion where I wish I had a husband.

Or, at least, Leslie had a father.

Would you explain to him why it's wrong to be promiscuous?

That's, uh, mating with too many ladies?

Erm, yes. But we tend to say "mating" only for animals.

Hmm. What would you say?

I don't know.

Leslie, Spiros would like a word.

Gerry, I said no more.

We don't have the food or the room.

I'm sorry, I'm going to release one.

No, I'm researching if their colour will change if they alter their diet.

At your age, with the girls, I was like a cat in a mouse house.

Happy times.

Were yours pretty? Mine are so pretty.

Ha-ha. Yes. One was incredibly...

What's the word? Er...

- Busty. - Oh, yeah. Yeah. Busty.

- I can't tell you how busty. - Are you sure you can't?

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Enjoy it. Enjoy it while you can...

Because... Erm...

So, to recap...

What are you doing? Huh? Hmm?

The love of one good woman

is nice and...

Pelican tart, for supper.

And Gerry will be releasing some of his pets.

Please do the same... Leslie.

Or I will.

(BEES BUZZING)

I'm buying more goats from Sven.

Their cheese always does well.

But we need to sell more.

Whoa. It's boring being paupers.

I'd love a porpoise.

So, I'm putting you in charge of animal produce.

That way, you'll be among animals but,

er, useful ones.

- Still no milk from her? - No.

Look, Sven loves his goats.

But when they come to the end of their working lives...

We don't slaughter people who retire.

Animals aren't people and you merrily eat meat someone has killed.

You're right. From now on, I'm a vegetarian.

Gerry, I am not cooking two different meals.

GERRY: Theo!

Mrs Durrell, Professor Durrell...

I've brought you a leopard spotted gecko.

- LOUISA: Ooh! - Found in a crate of Indian mangoes.

Thank you. Look at that.

I'll see if I can milk it.

So we can make some money.

I just wanted a word with your mother.

Hmm?

Our chat earlier sparked a crisis of conscience in me.

Am I more useful improving health in Corfu

than scrutinising molluscs?

Yes, you are.

Of course, molluscs are

vital links in the complex chain of life.

Mmm. I don't care. (LAUGHS) But what will you do?

I have an idea of how to help Larry.

I'm going to the mainland to investigate.

LOUISA: Thank you, Theo.

LAWRENCE: Across Europe, Auntie strides, like the Mongol hordes.

But wearing more talcum powder.

(LAWRENCE CHUCKLES)

- What's your sculpture of? - Wouldn't you like to know?

Yes. I'm agog to know what you're making out of shards of old soap

Which pseudonym do you prefer?

Hieronymus Schmoop or Tom Orange?

MARGO: It depends.

Do you want to sound like a pretentious ponce

or a simpleton?

- Pretentious ponce. - Oh.

You remember which of your stable of ladies you're meeting?

Yes.

You can't keep all three.

Well, I can.

Tell us why you like each one.

(SMACKS LIPS) Well, Daphne's so confident.

Sometimes me and her have a right old shouting match.

And Tsanta is really gentle and kind.

And Dionisia made us laugh so much once we wet ourselves.

She is such fun.

I know it's hard to find one person who gives you everything but...

Yeah, exactly.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(TYPEWRITER KEYS CLACKING)

You managed to get up the stairs, then?

If you hadn't hidden the booze, I'd have danced up.

How did I not know that Leslie has been accumulating girlfriends?

Oh, we all need secrets. I've got some absolute humdingers.

Well, yes, but you're not Les.

He needs special care.

Ideally, I'd spend all day with him. Like a bodyguard.

Five yards behind pointing out hazards.

He has three girlfriends not three landmines!

They're people. He's not good with people.

He is good with things.

Yes, he's very good with things.

All parents have one child that they fear for.

You know, the one who gets bitten or rejected.

Or the one who chooses bad friends.

Or falls off Bournemouth Pier.

Please try not to get involved.

Well, what am I here for?

He's heading for disaster. It's his first ballet class all over again.

- You're going to tell him who to pick. - Oh, I would never do that.

What are you planning, then?

To protect my most vulnerable child.

LOUISA: I've forgiven you for acting like Jack The Lad with Leslie

because I'm afraid I need your help again.

Mrs Durrell, I love to help and your family gives me so many chances.

I now know the names and whereabouts of his three girlfriends.

So we're going to go and find out what they're like.

Why?

Well, Leslie has a history of making bad choices.

But I can't bear to watch him do it again and have his heart broken.

I remember his first girlfriend cheated on him.

He sobbed into my arms.

I wanted to kill her.

Is this his revenge?

No. It's love of women.

I can think of bigger sins.

(ENGINE REVVING)

(PANTING)

Is this the one who laughs with Leslie till they wet themselves?

- No, that's Dionisia. - Hmm.

And once. I don't think it's a regular thing.

- Kalimera. - Kalimera.

- Ah. Daphne? - Yes.

I'm your friend Leslie's mother.

He mentioned you and we were passing.

I wondered if you'd seen him.

I think you come to see how I look.

That's very confident.

Oh, no. Besides, who cares about looks?

I do.

Actually, I do too.

Leslie looks strong but

he's surprisingly delicate.

No, he's not. You're wrong.

Have you met Spiros?

Yes.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

LESLIE: Ha. Aunt Hermione doesn't dawdle, does she?

Look, she's reached Venice.

Maybe she'll catch cholera like Gustave von Aschenbach.

Death in Venice.

- It's a book. - It's a book. Of course it is.

Look, I'll tell you why it's a bad idea to have three girlfriends.

Cos it's three more than you have.

A, one day you'll call them by the other girls' name. B,

they'll find out you're cheating, despise you and dump you.

I haven't lied to them about anything.

Spoken like a cheap lawyer. C, Mother isn't happy.

- D... - Let's do the whole alphabet.

D... If you had one girlfriend, I know, boring, and she had two other men,

how would you feel? And...

If you say "E" I'll... I'll kick your bad leg.

- (GROANS) - R?

Oh, I give up. Do what you want.

Yeah, we know it hurts.

And it says here "A broken limb can become deformed if not set properly."

(SIGHS)

(STAMMERS) Why don't I make you a plaster cast?

Because you're not a doctor.

(SCOFFS) Well, I delivered Lugaretzia's granddaughter...

BOTH: So I practically am!

Yassas.

Yassas.

Sorry to disturb you. Er, are you Tsanta?

Yes, I am.

I am Mrs Durrell, your friend Leslie's mother.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

What a pretty blush. Mr Halikiopoulos and I were passing.

Weren't we?

Okay.

Leslie said you helped out here and, well,

I've always wanted to visit this church.

Haven't I, Spiros?

Yes, I had to tell her, "Stop going on and on and on about it."

Well, I didn't go on and on about it. I...

I am very pleased to meet you.

I see why Leslie loves his mother.

(LAUGHING) You go straight into the lead.

- The lead? - Er...

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

(CAR HORN HONKS)

Yassas.

Yassas.

You are Dionisia?

Neh.

Leslie's mother.

Mrs Durrells. He mentioned you. We were just passing.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

She doesn't speak English.

Oh. So how do they make each other laugh?

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKS GREEK)

Mind your own business.

So what does she like about Leslie?

(SPEAKS GREEK)

Hmm.

(SPEAKS GREEK)

He's silly.

- (SPEAKING GREEK) - (MAN SPEAKING GREEK)

If anyone's silly, you're silly.

You want my opinion of the ladies?

I think I've made my own mind up.

Daphne's tough because her father is a gangster.

What? Well, why didn't you say?

You can't pick your daddy.

Dionisia, I think, lives for now and does what comes naturally.

Tsanta is a sweet peasant girl

who keeps her knees together.

You're guessing.

- Yes, but I knew her mother well. - Of course you did.

(INHALES SHARPLY) I just want Leslie

to find someone who... Who'll love him like I loved my husband.

So, what now?

I talk to Leslie and tell him who he should choose.

- Mmm. - (INHALES SHARPLY)

- You are family of Lugaretzia. - Lugaretzia.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(ALL IMITATING GROANING)

(ALL MOANING)

- (MUTTERS) - Stop it now. That's really mean.

Plaster cast.

Want to sign it?

Just trying to keep it erudite.

Who did it?

Les. It does hurt less but it is rather heavy.

Oh, Leslie, I, er, dropped in on all of your girlfriends.

So, obviously, that took quite a while.

Why did you?

Well, because I haven't met them.

I worry about you.

Well, you didn't mention any of my oddities, did you?

No.

They're all very pretty.

And Tsanta's lovely. Choose her.

Sorry, Lugaretzia.

Invite Tsanta round for tea, and we can all kick off our shoes

- and get to know each other better. - No.

I'm trying to save you some heartache.

Having three times the normal number of girlfriends cannot end well.

Then stop interfering.

I'm trying to run a tight ship and keep them all happy.

(DOOR OPENS)

- (DOOR CLOSES) - Oh. (SIGHS)

Don't all glower at me.

Well, it's not gone brilliantly, has it?

Now you've alienated Leslie.

I'm getting involved. I understand women.

Well, I wouldn't kick any of them out of bed.

Dionisia is the best. My family.

- Yeah, she looks fun. I'm backing her. - LOUISA: No.

She's just like Leslie's first girlfriend

who was unfaithful to him.

Love is a whirlpool.

- Some drown. - Mmm-hmm.

Tsanta's kind and her English is good.

Dionisia only speaks Greek.

This is Greece, no?

- Les needs a strong woman. - No. You mean you do.

You can tell Daphne doesn't take any bullshit.

I'll make sure Leslie picks her.

How are we going to do that?

(QUACKING)

(ANIMALS BLEATING)

(HONKING)

Gerry, they hate me.

Get rid of them.

GERRY: Flamingoes don't like being looked in the eye. I told you.

See them in the wild.

Do you know why they stand on one leg?

- For a bet? I don't know. - Nor do I.

No one does. Not until we study them some more.

And it's easier here.

For once, will you listen to me?

Leslie doesn't. Larry doesn't. And...

Well, Margo's got a brain like a room full of starlings.

I wonder where I can get some starlings.

No, listen, Gerry.

No more creatures.

Hello, Margo. Good timing.

I'm just back from Athens.

Oh, good.

- Theo, do you have any soap? - Yes, I do.

May I have it, please?

I may need to wash at some point.

Are you trying the ancient craft of soap sculpture?

Originally from Siam, I believe.

MARGO: You really are a brainbox, aren't you?

- What were you doing in Athens? - Can't say yet.

It's very exciting.

As exciting as a family torn apart by a choice between three women?

Leslie's girlfriends. Apparently, it's like King Lear.

Except Les hasn't got a kingdom to give away.

Gosh. I wouldn't have expected that from Leslie.

I see him more as a Bottom.

The Shakespearean character Bottom not the bottom.

Oh.

Thank you so much.

Come on, Theo. Spit it out.

Mrs Petridis has opened up a spare room for me.

(BABY COOING)

What do you think?

- A photography studio? - Sort of.

A radiography unit. X-rays.

A phenomenal diagnostics tool.

People are suffering and dying needlessly here.

Theo, this is wonderful.

(THUDS)

(BABY CRYING)

(SIGHS)

If you need me, I'll be next door asleep in a pool of my own tears.

LAWRENCE: Why has our neighbour got a wheelchair?

GERALD: His toes went black and had to be cut off.

Wait. Jar.

Come on, handsome.

- You heard what mother said. - I have a plan.

(SPEAKS GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Oh. Hello.

- Herete. - Herete.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKS GREEK)

You are very pretty and nice.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Leslie must be with you. You are the most jolly.

We need more fun in our family and modern fashion like yours.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Leslie is very funny.

I don't think it's deliberate.

Kalimera.

- Daphne? - Yes.

We're Leslie's brothers. We're just passing.

Came along to say hello.

Larry needs an outing every once in while or he gets grumpy.

- I've never seen one that big. - Ah. Thank you. I hear that a lot.

Before we chat, I am available if you prefer me to Leslie.

No.

Good. That was a test.

- Why do you like Leslie? - He's a good person.

- Leslie thinks about me. - Yes. When he has time.

But we're here to advise you how to win Leslie over.

I have already won him over.

- Well... - Not quite.

- Pretend to love guns and shooting. - GERALD: Oh, and he hates books.

So say you don't like them. And come to tea on Sunday.

So we all think of you as Leslie's girlfriend.

(LAWRENCE GROANS)

Hey! Oh.

- Hello, Tsanta. - Mrs Durrells.

You come to see the church again?

No. I've come to see you.

Oh.

(GROANS)

- Is Mother out? - Yes.

Thank you, driver.

Go on. One in, one out!

Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Go on. Shoo! Shoo! Shoo!

Shoo!

You know Hitler's a vegetarian, Gerry?

LOUISA: And like you, he writes books.

(DOG WHINING)

Hmm. He sounds all right, then.

- Your hands are filthy. - Margo's used all the soap.

(SNORTS)

Enjoy the chicken, everyone.

- Since Gerry's shooed all ours away. - You said to get rid of some animals.

That is hilarious. Be fair.

Delicious.

- And no one was killed. - Good day at the orifice?

Leg still feeling good? You're most welcome.

It's bearable thanks to the booze I managed to smuggle past the guard.

(GRUNTS)

Leslie's less strong-minded than he seems.

He needs help and reassurance.

And sometimes, we forget to give it.

So you can do that.

Because that will make him love you even more.

Thank you. You're very nice.

- Oh! - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

My latest. Larry's idea.

It's Hydra, the serpent woman with three heads.

Hello, I'm Margo.

Leslie's sister and emotional advisor. You must be Tsanta.

Are you sure you like Les? He's a lot of trouble.

No, he's not. Go away.

Where is Leslie?

I told him to be here at 5:00 for Sunday tea.

Oh, God!

It's a bit of England we've brought with us.

- (VEHICLE APPROACHING) - That and sarcasm.

And a fear of emotions.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

- LAWRENCE: Guests for tea! - (CAR DOOR SLAMS)

- Excuse me. - Excuse me.

I bring my niece for the 5:00 tea like you say.

(NERVOUSLY) Oh. How lovely.

Well, let's have it over here.

You'll get draughty in this dress, Dionisia.

- I'll lend you a scarf. - Ignore her. You look stunning.

She is pretty. My family usually is not pretty.

- I'll bring Leslie right over. - Where is he?

Good question. I'll go and look for him.

Why did you bring Dionisia?

I'm just the driver. I couldn't say no.

(LAWRENCE GROANS)

My leg is hot and veering to the left.

I want this cast off now!

I have tools.

Dionisia has arrived. We have to keep her and Tsanta apart.

- And Daphne's coming any minute. - What?

I didn't know you were bringing all the contestants.

There's Daphne.

She's the best one for Les. Give up now.

- She's much better than the nun woman. - She's not a nun!

That's not fair on Leslie, finding them all here.

You wanted him to choose and now's his chance.

Like a beauty parade.

Or a police line-up.

Daphne. Well, what a surprise.

- Hello. - Oh, it's terribly hot, isn't it?

- No. - No.

Even so, let's go indoors and have tea.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS) I don't know where Leslie is.

- Shall we... - There.

LOUISA: Oh.

Er, excuse me.

Leslie, Leslie, don't approach the house.

Why not?

Because Larry is one saw stroke away from having his foot lopped off.

- Well, I wouldn't want to miss that. - No, darling... (SIGHS)

Why did you let Leslie...

Your foot's stuck.

(LAWRENCE TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

What's all this, then?

- Hello, Leslie. - Hello.

- Hello, Leslie. - Yes.

Who are these girls?

They're just mates.

Daphne, old Daffers...

I've no idea who she is.

"Larry is a bastard."

Who wrote that?

SPIROS: And a Bigfoot, bighead.

Come on.

- There's your pseudonym. - This family is a disgrace.

Spiros, saw off the leg. Nobody cares!

- I'm sorry, Greek people. - (HORSE WHINNIES)

- Do I hear the language of Shakespeare? - Aunt Hermione!

Greetings.

Why are you always early?

I opted to skip Foggia.

Don't shout.

Auntie. Thank goodness you're here.

Please sort out my children.

And as you can't decide which of your girlfriends you prefer,

Aunt Hermione will do it.

Right here. Right now.

You see, I wouldn't dream of policing anybody's family

or romantic life.

When it comes to love, we're all beginners.

You see, my visits here have taught me that the world

is too lovely a place to be a dictatorship.

Honour others, be kind. But

obey only the whisperings of your own soul.

- What is that? - Oh, do you like it?

I could do you one if you want. With fewer heads or more heads.

LOUISA: Auntie, you used to be so blunt and clear about everything.

Oh, my dear, this place has changed me.

I'm like a dog who wonders why she spent so long barking.

Leslie, I'm sorry your dilemma was so publicly exposed.

But better to live excessively than not to live at all.

Anyway, I'm glad to be among you again.

LAWRENCE: Welcome back.

We've been following your return on a map.

Yes. It's been a long journey.

You know, I've learnt to say, "Where the hell are we?"

In six European languages.

Ha! So I'm going for a swim.

Sorry I shouted before.

I just don't want to remember Corfu as the place that destroyed my leg.

Theo's just set up an X-ray unit.

- He says Mother's inspired him. - What?

Why didn't you tell me this before?

Spiros, please take me there now.

It's not ready yet. Theo's still working out what the knobs do.

- Well, I'll sit and wait until he has. - I'm coming too.

Leslie!

I promise we weren't trying to humiliate you.

What have I done?

You are good, Leslie.

(SCOFFS) I'm not, though, am I? I'm horrible.

- No. - (ENGINE TURNS OVER)

- Thank you. - But...

I don't want to see you any more.

LESLIE: She was the nicest of them.

That's why I brought her here.

Leslie, I... I have one thing to do.

And that's make sure four children are happy.

I really was just trying to help you.

I know I shouldn't have had three girlfriends but...

Oh, I was just waiting for natural wastage

- as they realised I'm not that special. - But you are, Leslie. In your way.

With my plan, I'd have been left with the keenest one

least likely to cheat on me. Now I have nobody.

But you will.

Somewhere out there, there's a girl who will cherish you,

and love you even more than I do.

And I will look at the two of you with joy

and my work will be done.

No, I'll just stay at home with you.

Oh, Leslie.

You are a kind, sweet boy.

(LAWRENCE SCREAMING)

SPIROS: You're marking the tiles. LAWRENCE: I can't lift it up!

(MOANING AND SCREAMING)

(CRYING)

SPIROS: Hold still.

(GROANS)

- SPIROS: There. - (LAWRENCE GROANS)

- Hello. - X-ray me, Doc.

- Give me the bad news. - The equipment's not ready.

And I'm not a doctor. Though I did buy myself a stethoscope and mask!

- He's not leaving until you do it. - Can you X-ray him through concrete?

- What do you think? - Huh?

What do you think?

Dr Petridis must have some special tools.

Yes, he has.

Shh. Shh.

Here we are.

- (GROANING) - (GRUNTING)

(SCREAMING)

I haven't had much sleep but I seem to be weirdly strong.

It's okay. Have a sit down.

Have a sit down.

- My husband's away, you know. - Yes, we do.

I can't even look after my own baby.

(COOING)

How did you do that?

I've slept so I'm more relaxed than you.

Babies sense these things.

Don't they?

Can I suggest a technique I used while making my soap sculpture?

Thank you for coming.

I didn't need much excuse.

Wimborne Minster has been very dank.

Are you planning to see your Greek gentleman, Mr Anestis?

Yes.

But if I don't settle here, I also have two suitors in East Dorset.

So I can hardly criticise Leslie.

I've done that enough in the past.

Look, it's obvious... Now.

I've given up my love life, so I've turned my attention to my children's.

You are a resourceful mother to a platoon of strong-minded children.

- Enjoy them without judging them. - Judging's the only fun I get.

You know better than me

but good parenting isn't about meddling in your children's lives.

It's about loving them.

- (SCREAMING) - SPIROS: Shh. Shh. Shh.

- It's softening. - Try the shears again.

(LAWRENCE GROANS)

(MOANING AND GASPING)

(SCREAMING)

- Your turn. - THEO: Oh, come on, Larry.

- (LAWRENCE WHIMPERING) - (THEO SHUSHING)

(SCREAMING)

(LAWRENCE GROANS)

THEO: Come on, Larry.

We're nearly there.

- (SCREAMING) - THEO: Come on!

Can you wipe my face, please?

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

Hey, Les.

Sorry about you and your women.

At least you know it would have never worked with Tsanta.

Because Tsanta only comes once a year.

I hope Theo says your leg is twisted and broken

- and you never walk again! - Sibling discord? Is this possible?

- Sorry. - Well, don't mutter apologies.

Expand, explain, share!

I was being insensitive.

It's one of my strengths.

Good. Stop that, then, dear.

- Leslie? - I'm just sad.

And a bit relieved. I thought I was enjoying it but

having three girlfriends is like

trying to ride three bikes.

Anyway, all will be well.

The girls clearly like you.

How could they not?

LOUISA: Go and settle things with Daphne and Dionisia.

Tell the one you love the most that she's the only one for you.

Oh, Margo.

Time for a new hobby?

Spaghetti weaving?

- Banana bending? - MARGO: No...

- (CHUCKLES) - MARGO: I'm moving on.

I'll see you at the doctor's in an hour. I have a plan.

Well, everyone else has had one.

(ANIMALS SQUAWKING AND BLEATING)

I'm sorry if I don't always appreciate your animal collecting.

(CHUCKLES GENTLY)

Don't they miss being with their friends?

I'm their friend.

Oh.

- Don't look them in the eye. - Oh.

It's also good advice with lawyers, of course.

That's for him.

I'll release them when I've seen if their colour will change

according to what I feed them.

(LOUISA GASPS)

(LAUGHING) He's doing it! He's eating from my bowl.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Dr Stephanides.

As I say, I'm not actually a doctor.

But why not? I look like one.

Theo, you've done it.

You've actually made a difference.

I have the results of my first X-ray

from one Lawrence Durrell.

But I should only show the patient.

- We'll tell him. - Don't worry about it.

- I don't know if you can see there. - LOUISA: Oh.

Oh, yes. Gosh.

Leg.

Tibia. Fibula.

We can see clearly that Larry has broken his

record for how low his pain threshold is.

I suspect he has a torn muscle.

(FLORENCE SIGHS)

- He's asleep. - Oh, Florence.

I'm worried about you. How are you?

Oh, it's very ageing, isn't it, parenting?

Don't worry. I'm coming to work for you both

as a radiography assistant-cum-nanny.

That was my plan.

I'm good with people and babies. I need to be useful for a change.

And I like seeing men with their clothes off.

Pay me what you can afford.

Right.

- Let's organise. - Hmm. Right.

Florence...

You've got vomit on your shoulder.

Er... Oh.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I don't think she's going to turn up.

- Sorry. - Where's Aunt Hermione?

Out for drinks with Suitor Number One.

- We love Aunt Hermione now. - Yeah. She's a good sort.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Hello. - Kalos ilthes.

(SPEAKING GREEK)

Yes.

(SLOWLY) I am please to be here.

(ALL LAUGH)

Oh.

- Oh, gosh. - Fresh bread.

From the bakery.

- Very pretty. - Yes.

Well, I hope you'll all enjoy your vegetarian meal.

- Gorgeous. - Ambrosial.

- Oh, evening, everyone. - (ALL GREETING)

Mr Anestis sends his...

Oh, what are they? Regards.

(CHUCKLES)

Well, I know you're all desperate to know

which pseudonym I chose for my next novel.

- Is it Ivor Perfectly-Goodleg? - No. It's...

Charles Norden.

I'll fetch the meat.

- Ah, no, Auntie, there's isn't... - No, it's fine. I'm happy to get it.

Oh.

Auntie reminded me last night...

I did?

...that all that matters is that we love each other.

And we let each other know

in whatever way we find possible.

I do it by protecting us all with my guns.

LAWRENCE: I'll dedicate my next book to you all.

We promise we'll try not to talk to you so much in the future.

Pass the vegetables, please.

LAWRENCE: Auntie. Would you like tomato?

Is there enough veg for us all?

MARGO: Don't hold back, Gerry.

I really like his humour.

(ALL LAUGHING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

So,

now we are seven.