All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S05E01.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- Would you believe it
possible that the plot

has now thickened?

Herr Flick thinks that the
general and the colonel

are planning to blow up Hitler.

Herr Flick can do nothing
about this because

he has been imprisoned in
the dungeon of the chateau

disguised as a woman.

If my hands are shaking
it is because Michelle

of the resistance in a
plan to blow up the general

placed a bomb in the
wheelchair of my wife's mother.

Unfortunately the attempt
misfired.

My wife's mother survived.

She was last seen disappearing
at very high speed

with a cloud of smoke
coming from the bottom.

Of her wheelchair.

Oh, here comes Lieutenant
Gruber.

This is the one that fancies me.

- Good morning Rene.

- Ah, good morning Lieutenant,
your usual?

- Later thank you Rene.

Rene, I have a problem regarding
my sleeping arrangements.

- Oh yes?

- The colonel has ordered
Captain Bertorelli

to sleep with me.

- Well, the Italians
wanted to join the war,

they must accept the
consequences.

- The man is a peasant, Rene.

The moment his head touches
the pillow he is asleep.

- How insensitive.

- Then his snoring keeps
me awake all night.

Have you a spare room here?

- Oh, you would not want to
sleep here Lieutenant, no,

my wife snores, I snore, the
girls snore,

Monsieur Leclerc makes
terrible noises from,

from midnight the whole
place sounds like a sawmill.

- No, not for me, I meant a
room for Captain Bertorelli.

- Oh, I see.

- Good morning Lieutenant
Gruber.

- Edith, the lieutenant
wants the captain to come

and sleep here.

- The handsome Italian captain?

- Yes, we have no room have we?

- Well of course we have.

He can sleep between Mimi and
Yvette.

- You French, will I never
understand you?

- No, she means the spare
room between Mimi and Yvette.

- Oh, oh good, I will pay for
his room.

- Will you be visiting him
often?

- He meant he is paying
for the room because

he cannot stand the captain's
snoring.

- I blow in Rene's ear
when I want him to stop.

- Oh?

I will remember that.

- It it settled then,
1,000 francs a night.

- The woman Frau von
Kinkenrotten is in here.

You have five minutes.

Ten, that is the limit.

- Herr Flick, oh it is
terrible to find you

in such an unusual position.

- It is very painful, I am
taking notes.

- Is there anything I can do
to relieve your situation?

- I cannot endure the pain in
my legs.

Do you have any scissors.

- Yes, but they will not cut
chains.

- They will cut my tight
knicker elastic.

These finger trappers are
killing me.

- How could General von
Klinkerhoffen do this

to an officer of the Gestapo?

- Since I am in disguise as
a woman of the opposite sex

and have no papers, he is
pretending he

does not recognize me.

- Be of good cheer Herr
Flick, your assistant

von Smallhausen has a plan.

- This does not make me of good
cheer.

He is a barbarian twit.

- He is our only hope.

Herr Flick, may I kiss you?

- What, kiss me?

Chained to the wall and dressed
in the underwear of a woman?

Of course.

- When skies are gray
and you say you are blue,

I'll send the sun shining.

I want to be happy but I can't
be happy

till I make you happy too.

- Mimi, when Madame Edith
sings, always have ready

a dustpan and brush.

- Rene, you are wanted in the
back room.

- Who wants me?

- I do!

Ooh, Rene, my whole body aches
for you.

My lips ache for you,
my arms ache for you,

my bosoms ache for you,
my legs groan for you.

- How is your back?

Oh you must try to relax more
Yvette.

It is the tension from being
so madly in love with me.

- Oh Rene, do you not ache
for me just a little bit?

- Uh, from time to time I
do get a little bit stiff,

but I put it down to age.

- It is urgent that I speak
with you all.

- I will get the others.

- Monsieur Alfonse,
what are you doing here?

- I bought this intrepid
lady here on the back of my

small hearse with a small horse.

- Monsieur, if she is
discovered you could be shot.

- I know, but it is worth it.

- He does this for France.

- And 300 francs a mile plus
waiting time.

The flag is now down
mademoiselle.

- Gather round, now listen very
carefully,

I shall say this only once.

- Just a minute, who is
looking after the bar?

- Monsieur Leclerc, I
have the key to the till.

- Listen very carefully.

- I'm sorry I'm late, I
was serving the customer.

- Listen very carefully, I
shall say this only once.

- How am I supposed to give
change if I do not have

the key to the till?

- Give it to him.

- And bring it back.

- Bring it back.

- Now, you were saying Michelle.

- Listen very carefully, I
shall say this only once.

- You are now on double time
mademoiselle.

- If these interruptions
continue
I shall not say it at all.

- Alright, alright, we are
ready.

- Now listen, very carefully, I
shall say

- Here's the key, now if
I get another big note

I shall require it again.

- That is it, I am going!

- 125 francs.

- No, no Michelle, come back.

What is it you are going to
tell us?

- Only once.

- We have the camera
with which we are going

to photograph the safe in the
chateau which contains plans

for the invasion of England.

We will show these photographs
to Monsieur Leclerc,

the forger and safebreaker,
so that he may identify it

and make plans to open the safe.

When he is confident, we will
take him into the chateau

and he will open it and we
will photograph the plans.

These photographs will be
made into microphotographs

which will be tied to the
leg of a pigeon supplied

by the RAF so that the
photograph of the plans may be

studied in London.

- That seems perfectly
straightforward.

Was there anything else?

- 225 francs.

- We have a problem.

There is no film for the camera.

- Well that would be a problem.

- Where are we to get the film?

- All film has been
confiscated by the Germans.

- The colonel has a camera.

We must think of a way to
steal from it the film.

- I could pose for him
in my scanty underwear!

- Oh.

- Edith, I cannot allow the
woman I love to expose herself

in this manner.

- Oh dear Monsieur Alfonse,
always he has respect

for my feelings.

- And the colonel's.

- Always he is asking
to photograph me wearing

the flying helmet and
brandishing the white celery.

- Why would the colonel
want such a picture?

- Celery is in very
short supply in Germany.

- While you are distracting
him, I will steal the film

from the camera.

- It is a good plan.

- Yes and as usual we have to
do it.

- Do you want my job.

- 500 francs plus
waiting time and service.

- I cannot afford the taxi.

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- General von Klinkerhoffen.

- I wish to speak to the
colonel, announce me.

- Yes, general!

- General Erich von
Klinkerhoffen!

- Ah general.

- Heil Hitler!

- Oh yes, of course, heil
Hitler.

- My contacts in Berlin
inform me that the Gestapo

headquarters are aware of the
disappearance of Herr Flick.

And consequently, a big stink
is about to descend upon us.

- We placed him in the dungeon
of the chateau on your orders

general.

- Hmm, here are my further
orders.

All documents concerning the
arrest are to be destroyed.

You will disguise yourselves
as members of the resistance

and will assist Herr Flick to
escape.

You will take him to a
prearranged spot where you will
be

ambushed by my men and Herr
Flick will die

in a hail of bullets.

They will of course have
orders not to shoot you.

Is that clear?

- How will they know
so as not to shoot us?

- You will each wear a small
cornflower in your hat.

- General, how can we
break into the dungeon?

- Steal your own tank, put
grappling arms on the bars

of the cell and rip them out!

Use your imagination!

- Yes, Herr General.

- That is all, see to it!

- Heil Hitler.

- What do you think Gruber?

- I think that sunflowers
in our hats would have

given us a better chance.

- I have grave misgivings
about the whole plan.

- Good morning, you
cannot pick your meter car

outside this cafe.

- You cannot talk this way to
me, me!

I am Captain Bertorelli
from conquering Italian Army

of Mussolini.

- Missoluni does not
cut any ice around here.

You must move along as
quickly as pissible.

- You, take my cases into the
cafe.

- Carry your own bogs.

- You shut a your face
or I shoot a your feet.

- Ah, imitation crocodile.

- Ahh, Captain Alberto!

What a pleasure to entertain
you in our humble establishment

let me show you to your bedroom.

- Dear lady, first I
must inspect the troops,

then I inspect the room,
then I inspect you.

- Captain!

- Then I inspect the books,
this place could make

big money.

What you need behind you is the
right man.

- Captain Alberto what are you
saying?

- I think you get the message,
ehh?

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- Good morning.

- Good morning.

- These cases belong to the WOP
captain.

- Mimi, take them upstairs
to the spare room.

Now you were going to say.

- I have come to collect my
bercycle.

- What bercycle?

- The bercycle which
produces the electricity

for the rodeo when you piddle
in your wife's mother's

bathroom.

- Look, you cannot have
your bercycle until we get

new batteries.

- Rene.

- What?

- We must stand by the radio.

London will be calling in two
minutes.

- Yes, we have to ask
London to send us a pigeon!

- I have a business to run,
Yvette, you go and send

a message.

- But what do I say?

- Allo allo this is
Nighthawk Serving Girl.

Please send one carrier pigeon.

- Yvette, make it six,
we can put the other five

on the menu.

- Ah, Fanny my love.

- Ah, mon cher, speak
romance from my foolish past,

what do you want?

- I have come to get the radio
going.

- Well it is nice to know that
you can get something going.

- Oh cher, your knees,
they sound terrible!

- I think the ball race has
gone.

- Such as well.

- What is happening?

- I am trying to make enough
juice to operate the radio.

- But the bed knobs are only
flickering, we need more power!

You must pedal faster!

- I know what to do.

Ohh, what has happened?

- There was a flash and
the bang and everything

has gone dead!

- It was ever so.

- Psst, Rene.

- What is the matter?

- Sit here, I don't wish to be
overheard.

- I don't wish to be seen
in the square fraternizing.

- How would you like to be seen
dead?

- I will fraternize.

- I have seen Herr Flick,
he is close to cracking.

- So?

- He may reveal that Lieutenant
Gruber has been making

the forgeries of the former
Madonna with the Big Boobies

by Van Klump.

If Gruber is arrested they
have but to tickle him

with a feather and he
will implicate us all.

And the trail will lead to
you and you will be shot.

- Thank you for warning
me, I will leave at once

for the Spanish border upon
the bicycle which is in the

bedroom of my wife's mother.

- You will not get 10 yards.

- Why not?

- Because I can shoot 10 yards.

Von Smallhausen has a plan
which can save all our skins.

- How does this affect me?

- Who else can masquerade
as Heinrich Himler,

head of the Gestapo?

- Me?

Look I am smaller than Himler,
I am fatter than Himler,

I am younger than Himler,
I am balder than Himler

and I cannot speak German.

- Do not nitpick.

- Allo.

- Dinner.

- I think that's French for
dinner!

- Thanks very much old bean.

- Too de loo!

- That's French for good bye.

- Say Fairfax, how much
longer do you think

we're gonna have to hide
out here in these dustbins?

- They empty them every
Thursday,
if we haven't gone by then

we'll be on the tip.

- At least we might get
a change of clothes.

- See you after dinner.

- Hang on.

- Where is he?

- He is just trimming his
mustache.

Oh dear Rene, he is always so
particular

about his appearance.

- Tell him to come quickly.

The square is clear.

- Rene!

Those are the glasses of my
mother!

- She won't admit to have the
ear trumpet.

- You look exactly like him.

- If the resistance see
you, they will shoot you,

so keep your head down.

- Get in the back, I will drive.

- What do I do if anyone speaks
to me?

- Hit them with your whip.

- Do you wish me to sit
on the left or the right?

- Gruber, Gruber!

Good, you look very sinister.

- Thank you.

Colonel, should we not have
papers?

- Just write Gestapo over
your driving license,

in an emergency, flash it.

- I have to confess that
despite the advantage

of our disguises and the
bold daring of this ingenious

plan of yours, I do have pangs
of doubt

and crawling earwigs in my
tummy.

- Would you prefer to be
walking through the woods

with a cornflower in your
hat hoping not to be shot?

- Just to be on the safe side?

- Here, take your gun.

- What will the general
say when he finds out

that Herr Flick has not been
shot?

- He will tell him that the
Berlin Gestapo rescued him

before we arrived.

- It all sounds so simple
here in your nice warm office.

- Pull down your hat and follow
me.

Gruber, I'm doing the limp.

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- Halt!

Who goes there?

- Do you not recognize Heinrich
Himler,

head of the Gestapo?

- I will phone and tell them
you are here.

- Mind your own business.

- We want it to be a surprise.

- It is a pleasure to be of
assistance to Herr Himler.

Thank you Herr Himler.

- Do you think it wise
to go in my little tank?

- Do you expect me to walk
all the way to the chateau

with a bad leg?

- What do you want?

- Herr Heinrich Himler
from Berlin wishes to

inspect your prisoner Frau
Kinkenrotten.

- Do you have any papers?

It is my duty to ask
for proof of identity.

Welcome Herr Himler.

- We will require your keys.

Now go away.

- Helga, von Smallhausen,
what are you doing here?

- I have a plan for
your rescue, Herr Flick.

- What kept you?

And why is that French cafe
owner dressed in that manner?

- He is impersonating Himler.

- He looks nothing like him.

- What did I say?

- Quick, we must be leaving.

- Von Smallhausen, give me your
gun.

- Yes, Herr Flick.

- Take off your clothes.

- I beg your pardon?

- Take off your clothes.

- I usually find that
when he is in this mood

it is best to strip off
and ask questions later.

- This would appear to be
a modification of my plan.

- When the guard looks
through the peephole,

he will still see Frau
Kinkenrotten chained to the
wall.

Helga, avert your eyes.

- And that goes for you too.

- Halt, who goes there?

- Make way for the Gestapo.

- Excuse me.

- Is it alright if we go into
the dungeon?

- I am not coming out unless
you promise not to hit me.

- What do you want?

- Make way for the Gestapo.

- We have just had in here
your big cheese, Himler.

- Himler?

- Come on Gruber.

- He has just left.

- Did he take with him the
woman prisoner?

- No, she is still in here.

- Thank you.

- Rene, what are you
doing chained to the wall?

- You are the last person
we expected to see,

especially dressed like that.

Not that it doesn't suit you.

- I have been double crossed!

- And your stockings are
wrinkled.

- Please get me out of here.

- Gruber, get the keys to the
wrist irons.

- Guard, do you have the
keys to the wrist irons?

- I gave them to Herr
Himler, he must have taken

them with him.

- Oh, this is terrible,
Herr Himler has taken them.

- It was Herr Flick dressed as
Himler.

That was because I was dressed
as Himler.

- You are full of surprises
Rene.

And you always told me you
went to bed at midnight.

- The keys are in Helga's
handbag.

- Don't worry Rene, we will get
them.

- Would you like me to stay
with you Rene?

- No, Lieutenant, you are very
kind.

You go with the colonel, I
will wait here with the guard.

On your way out, shut the
door, dungeons are very drafty.

- I do not know where
the wind is coming from.

- I know where it is going to.