All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S02E05.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- It is possible that you are
wondering

what I am doing lurking
in my own henhouse.

The reason is improbable, but
simple.

I am hiding from Monsieur
Alfonse,

an aging undertaker who has
challenged me to a duel.

Shut up!

Keeps your beaks closed.

He is unhappy,

because Edith wants to
marry me instead of him.

I am unhappy because I have
already been married to Edith.

I have been shot by the Germans.

I have been buried.

And I have come back
as my own twin brother.

And now I am forced to
hide in the henhouse.

His seconds are looking for me

to make arrangements
for the duel, you see.

Well, so far so good.

Rene?

- Oh my god.

- Rene?

Rene it is I, Yvette.

You may reveal yourself.

- What is happening?

- The seconds of Monsieur
Alfonse

have been to the cafe and
departed.

- Oh thank heavens.

Let us hope that is the
last we see of them.

How did you get rid of them?

- I did not.

It was Lieutenant Gruber.

He received them on your behalf.

- Why do people always have to
stick

their noses into my business?

- Rene, he defended your
reputation.

They were saying that perhaps
you had a yellow streak.

- It is highly likely.

For one thing, I have been
sitting

all night on half a dozen eggs.

- Oh dear.

- Here gentleman, a drink on
the house.

I am most grateful to you for
upholding

the honor of my future husband,

who scarpered out of the
scullery window,

because he has the courage of a
hamster.

- I'm sure Rene would not
run away like a coward.

There will be an explanation.

- Of course there will.

- Oh there is an explanation
Colonel yes.

I was shelling peas in the
kitchen,

I saw a rabbit out of the
window,

I picked up the broom handle

and tried to catch it for your
dinner.

Have I missed something?

- You have missed the
seconds who were calling

on you to fight for my honor.

Oh, what a pity.

And such a worthy cause.

I would not have missed that
for anything.

- All is not lost, Rene.

Lieutenant Gruber has accepted
the challenge on your behalf.

- Lieutenant Gruber is going
to fight the undertaker?

- No.

No.

Because as one of your closest
friends,

I have agreed to be second.

- Lieutenant Gruber knows
all about this kind of thing.

He was at Heidelberg.

- At Heidelberg, they fight
for their honor all the time.

- Truly, in spite of the
popular rumors about Heidelberg,

fighting for one's
honor is not compulsory.

- You can give in.

- But I know enough about the
rules not to let you down.

- Yes, well it is very
kind of you Lieutenant,

but I have no intention of doing

an Errol Flynn with an old
undertaker.

- You're going to humiliate
me in front of my friends.

- How will they find out?

- I have been on the phone all
morning.

The whole village is going to
turn out.

If I could persuade Monsieur
Alfonse

to change it from dawn to
midday,

I could do the catering,
and make a lot of money.

- Hey, my life is at stake,

and you're talking about
catering?

- I have, on your behalf,
refused swords,

and have provisionally chosen
pistols.

- He would prefer an eating
competition.

- Well now.

I will present your compliments

and agree with him the time and
the place.

- How about South America,
the Christmas after next?

- No, no, dawn tomorrow.

The woods will be misty and
romantic.

I shall dress dramatically in
black.

A black coat, a black dress,
a black chiffon scarf,

black gloves, and a black hat.

- You do not care much
for my chances, do you?

- Anyway, so be it.

Heil Hitler.

And do not worry Rene, I
shall be close by your side.

- I must hurry and get my
new black hat and black veil.

- Rene, don't go away.

We have much to discuss.

- But so little time.

- Hans, Rene is far too
valuable to us

to lose in a silly duel.

He has our painting and
a sausage in his cellar.

- And he supplies us with girls.

Precisely.

So, I have a plan.

Rene, we will hold battle
maneuvers tomorrow morning.

By chance, in the area of the
duel,

we will have some machine
guns, armored cars, and troops.

Just before the duel starts,

we will open up with everything.

And the undertaker will
unfortunately get in the way.

We will apologize, and there
will be no repercussions

because he is only a Frenchman.

- Could you not just
wound him a little bit?

- With a 25 pound shell, that
is not easy.

- Send it to me at once.

- Anything serious, Herr Flick?

- There is for me a telegram.

It is being brought to me by
hand.

We will continue our game of
Monopoly.

Your turn with the dice.

Be careful not to throw a five,

for you will land on my
hotel in the Wilhelmstrasse.

Ah, a seven.

Stop, that is not your token.

That is my start car.

You are the high heel jack boot.

- One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven.

- Ah, you take a card.

What does it say?

- I have been hit with a rubber
truncheon

and miss three moves.

- Ah, cheese.

Six.

Go directly to Hitler's bunker,

do not pass go, and not collect
200 marks.

Get out.

What do you want von
Smallhausen?

- Telegram, Herr Flick.

- Go away.

- Bad news, Herr Flick?

- It is from my godfather.

- Himmler?

- Experts have reassembled one
sausage.

No trace of painting.

Adolf way off hand at dinner
last night.

Did not laugh at my jokes.

Arrest Colonel who sent
telegram.

Love Uncle Heinrich.

- Arrest the colonel?

This is terrible.

- Helga?

What do you know of this?

- Nothing, Herr Flick.

- You are lying.

You will answer my questions.

Sit down.
- Yes.

- Who put the sausage on the
train?

- I did, Herr Flick.

- Who gave you the sausage?
- The Colonel.

- Was the painting inside the
sausage?

- I could not tell, Herr Flick,

without biting a bit off the
end.

- Why you do not do this?

- I could not send to
Hitler a bitten sausage.

- Oh, that was good thinking.

It is therefore clear that the
sausage

containing the painting
that I gave to the Colonel,

which was a forgery, but
which he thought was genuine,

was not sent to Berlin,
but was substituted

by him for a normal knockwurst.

The sausage containing the
painting

has been kept by him
to sell after the war.

Which will not be possible,
because it is a forgery,

and the real painting is
hidden in the Gestapo sausage

that is hanging with similar
sausages in Rene's kitchen.

Correct me if I am wrong.

- I wouldn't dream of it, Herr
Flick.

- My course of action is clear.

We will arrest the Colonel
and the Captain at once.

- Shall I come with you?

- You may be tempted to warn
them out of misplaced loyalty.

You will stay here.

What's this, Herr Flick?

- So you do not use the
telephone.

I will return by early evening.

Would you care to stay for
dinner?

- How could I refuse?

- It's a date.

- Rene.

- Oh, Maria.

- Why have you kept me waiting
so long?

- I was telephoning the
undertaker

to see if we could come
to some arrangement.

- What happened?

- He offered to bury me at
trade prices.

Oh, Rene.

Rene?

Crush my lips with your lips.

Do all those things you do

that drive me crazy
with heightened desire.

- Maria, we are only
in the broom cupboard.

Oh, Rene.

Rene?

Rene?

Rene, what are you doing in
the broom cupboard with Maria

- You stupid woman, it is quite
obvious

what I am doing in the
broom cupboard with Maria.

You know you do not like me
telling off

the staff in front of customers.

I was just reprimanding her in
here.

So, the next time a customer
calls, you come running, hm?

- Yes, Rene.

- And that is the last
time I shall tell you this.

- Very likely.
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- Know what did you do
in the war Grandpapa?

I was sewing a ladies silken
knickers into a gaunt balloon

so that the British airmen
could escape.

- Have you not finished that
balloon yet?

Soon the restaurant will
be full and this place

will be crawling with Germans.

Don't move.

Now listen very carefully,
I shall say this only once.

The basket has been woven
by the weavers of Weemano.

- Forgive me, I do not have my
code book.

What does that mean?

- Exactly what it says.

The basket is ready to be
attached to the balloon.

- Ah, good.

- Rene, customers.

- Oh, heck.

Look, you must be out of
here in ten minutes, hm?

- Oh, Michelle, we have not
repaired

all the holes in the silk
balloon.

- We shall require one
more pair of silk knickers.

- I will give my last pair for
France.

- Remove them behind the
curtain.

There is a man present.

- Oh, do not worry, I
have seen it all before.

- But a very long time ago.
- No.

Just a moment ago when
I dropped my needle.

- Well, we are hoping
to start about seven.

But it is best to get there
early.

We are expecting a crowd.

And there will be coffee
and sandwiches afterwards.

Whatever happens.

- Tell them we are hoping for
an home win.

- Yes, I'll see you then.

So many friends.

- Rene.
- Oh, Yvette.

- I admire you.

You are like a rock.

- I know this to be a quality
you appreciate in a man.

- Oh, but, I'm so worried.
- Why?

- Well, I hear Monsieur
Alfonse is a crack shot.

There was a competition.

He put one of his balls through
a playing card at 20 paces.

- Quite a feat.

- This is how he started in
the undertaking business.

- Yvette, normally I would
be worried by such news.

But I have a secret
arrangement with the Colonel.

At the time of the duel,
he will be on exercises

with tanks and troops and
machine guns and things.

And he has promised to take
care of the undertaker.

- Could he not take care of
your wife at the same time?

- I could mention it, I suppose.

I might be pushing my luck.

And talking of pushing my
luck...

- Oh, it's that English idiot

who thinks he can speak our
language.

- Good die to you.

- You see, he has heard about
the duel.

Are we aloon?

I wish to tick to you.

Tick?

- He means talk.
- Ah.

Yeah, we are aloon, so tick
away.

- The English airmen are
no linger in the cow.

- Oh good.

Well, where are they then?

I will kill them.

In here, chaps.

- You will never get away with
that.

You cannot pass those two
idiots off as French policemen.

- I have give them quick
curse in the French longwodge.

- It's nose to spike your
tongue.

- Pleased to meet you, sir.

- Quick, Germans, quick, in the
back room.

Officer, if you wish
to search my premises,

I have nothing to hide.

Start in the back room.

Take care of the krauts.

- Listen carefully, the balloon
is ready.

It will be taken and hidden
in the old ruined barn

five kilometers to the north of
town.

When the wind is favorable,
a message will be sent.

You, Rene, will guide
the airmen to the barn

where they will take
off and head for Rome.

- Oh, hey, I do not wish
to be a wet blanket,

but I do have a duel in
the morning, you know.

What if I am killed?

- Well then, Monsieur
Leclerc will guide them.

I must go now to the iron
monger.

He is preparing the
which will provide

the hot air for the balloon.

- Rene, Herr Flick has been
here.

- Herr Flick of the Gestapo?

- Quick, we will escope
through the wine-doe.

No,

he will be getting into his car.

He will see you.
- What did he want?

He had not seen these two
disguised as policemen, had he?

- No, he was looking for the
Colonel.

He has gone around to their
headquarters.

- Did he want to check on his
sausage?

No.

He canceled his table and
ordered

two large portions of
hot pot to take away.

- That means a nice quiet dinner

with Helga in the dungeon this
evening.

- Edith.

Oh Edith, why do you keep
me for so long alone?

- I am sorry, Mama,

but I was trying on my new
black hat for the duel.

- Ah, the duel.

Now Edith, I have been thinking.

I wish to be there early.

I want to be in the front row.

Ah, it is history repeating
itself.

Men have fought over me,
you know, when I was young.

I was loved by two tram
drivers at the same time.

- Did they fight with
pistols or with swords?

Trams.

Oh, I should never forget it.

They drove furiously towards
one another,

each from his own depot,
ringing the bells and shouting,

"No room on top."

- What happened?

There was a power cut.

So, I ran away with the
inspector.

- Herr Flick, could you
not free my other hand?

It is very difficult to
chase peas using only a fork.

- I'm sorry, Helga.

I cannot risk you evading me,

and in your misplaced loyalty
informing the Colonel.

- I keep telling you, I do
not know where the Colonel is.

- I do not believe you Helga,

and if you do not talk,
you will get no pudding.

It is jam roly-poly.

- You are a ruthless man, Herr
Flick.

- Enter.

- We have traced the Colonel
and the Captain, Herr Flick.

They're out on maneuvers.

- Good, go away.

Faster.

As soon as it is daylight,
we will arrest them.

In the meantime, you will
remain here.

- If you do not trust me, Herr
Flick,

what sort of life will we
have together after the war?

- I will take you for beautiful
walks on a short lead.

- You make me feel like a wild
animal.

- It's mutual.
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Rene, wake up.

Wake up.

It is five o'clock.

You must not be late for the
duel.

- But Edith, that is not until
seven.

- I know, but I have to dress

and wake up and iron your shirt.

You are not going to the
woods looking a mess.

To think that men are
prepared to die for me.

- It is unbelievable, isn't it?

- Rene, go down and see who's
at the door.

- Who can that be at this hour?

- It may be somebody
wanting to buy tickets.

- You have been selling tickets?

Only for the front rows.

- Rene, it's Lieutenant Gruber.

- Good morning Rene.

I have your trousers here.

My pressed them for me.

- How kind Lieutenant,
you think of everything.

- I also had them bind a little.

They're more fashionable.

Would you like to try them on
now?

- Not in front of the girls, no.

- The girls will go away.

Back to bed ladies, shoo, shoo.

This is an affair between men.

- Do not hesitate to pop down
if you want a glass of water

or some cigarettes, of
if I ring the bell, or...

- Rene, I hope this affair
turns out satisfactorily.

So do I.

- I do not know how to say
this, Rene.

I have always admired you,
but just at this moment,

I find it hard to express
in words all my feelings.

- Well, keep trying with the
words.

I'm sure they will come to you
in the end.

- I would like you to wear

this locket of mine for good
luck.

- Oh, I was thinking
more along these lines.

- Honey, take my advice, do not
wear that.

It will only flatten the
ball on it's way through

and make an even bigger hole.

- What are you doing all
dressed up like a mad hatter?

- It is I, Leclerc.

I am to be your other second.

- Well, what are all these for?

Are you expecting to clean up
the forest after I am shot?

- I am to wash the floor ready
for the party afterwards.

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- Good, we are here first.

- Give me my opera glasses.

I do not wish to miss anything.

Tickets, please.

- I knew that one day
that would come in use.

- Oh, Monsieur Alfonse

How elegant he looks.

- Madame.

And this must be your sister.

- My mother.

- Unbelievable, you are
so young, so vivacious.

- Take these so you can see to
shoot.

- There he is.

- He has both his seconds ready.

- We cannot start yet,
because I am not ready.

Besides, Gruber is not here yet.

- Do not worry, he has gone
for the kit of the first aid.

- I hope he will not be long.

This coal scuttle is tight
under the arms.

- It is just insurance.

Anyway, the German army
will be here to save you.

- It makes me feel very brave.

Where are they exactly?

- Shh, you cannot see them.

They are camouflaged.

But, I have heard rustlings in
the woods.

- Rene.

Oh, how handsome you look.

This is how I hoped you
would be on our wedding day.

- Excuse me, it is the
handle of the coal scuttle.

- There's Gruber.

- Gentlemen, your attention
please.

- Terrible luck, Rene.

- Aw, be brave, girls.

Dear girls.

- Before proceeding, do either
of you wish to apologize?

- Well, I may have been a bit
hasty.

Certainly not.

Behave like a pig, you
will die like a pig.

- Very well, Monsieur.

You are showing a lot of Rene.

What?

- The pistols are loaded,
choose.

- You choose, Monsieur.

- You will start back to back.

Upon the command, march,
you will walk ten paces.

Upon the command, halt, you
will halt.

Upon the command, turn,
you will turn and fire.

Is this clear?

- Crystal clear.

- Right, we must proceed.

First, my personal farewells.

Rene...

The French way.

Monsieur Alfonse.

Thank you Monsieur, but I
hardly know you.

Farewell, Edith.

Farewell, Edith.

Edith, I am talking to you.

I am about to get shot here,
and you take no notice.

- But I am just catching up on
the gossip.

Bye bye Rene.

- Maria, Yvette, farewell.

Madame Lamontaine, farewell.

Who's Madame Lamontaine?

- So gentlemen, let us
take up our positions.

Back to back.

Excuse me one moment.

Deary me.

- Have you bad news Lieutenant?

- Colonel von Strohm and
Captain Geering

have been arrested by Gestapo.

Maneuver's been canceled.

- Canceled?

But, are the Gestapo allowed to
do this?

- I shall investigate.

- Quite right.
- After the duel.

- Well, do you not think
you should do it right away?

I mean, we can do this any old
time.

Get on with it.

- Back to back.

Cock.

- Your ammo Monsieur.

- March, one, two three, four,
five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten,
halt.

Halt.

- Nancy boy.

- Come back.

What about my honor?

And my customers?

His shirt is torn.

- Is he wounded?

- No, but I can see a
dent in his coal scuttle.