All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S02E04.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- You are probably
wondering what I am doing

driving a German armored car.

Well, I have been helping the
captain to blow up a train

with a sausage on it.

I know that this does not
sound important, but it is.

The sausage is being sent to
Hitler,

who thinks that it contains
the priceless portrait

of the fallen Madonna
with the big boobies.

That painting is in fact in
the sausage in my cellar.

That four-eyed berk up
there behind the gun turret

who could not hit a barn door
at 20 paces

failed to hit the train.

So now Hitler will
receive an empty sausage.

When that happens, my friend,

the knackwurst will really hit
the fan.

However, one disaster at a time.

If I can park this thing back
at my cafe

before anybody realized
that we have nicked it,

well, at least I will not get
done

for taking and driving away an
armored car

without the permission of the
owner.

- Helga, you will drive.

Do not worry, Lieutenant.

You may rely on the Gestapo
to find your missing tank.

When we do, the occupants will
be shot.

- My Colonel, it is rather
chilly.

Shall I place this rug over our
knees?

- No, the cold air will be good
for us,

particularly you.

- Which way, Herr Flick?

- We will follow the obvious
tire marks

of the stolen armored car.

- What is going on?

- This stupid Englishmen
disguised as a policemen

told the Lieutenant that
his tank had been stolen.

- I did nit know that it
had been drove away by Rene.

Rene who walks in the beer.

- Idiot.

- Edith, Herr Flick has a gun.

If he finds Rene he will shoot
him.

- No, we must rescue him.

- We will follow.

We will use the bicycles
of the Casterburys.

Come.

- One minute, do you have
a spanner or a wrench?

- To do what with?

- I must lower my saddle,

otherwise my feet will
not reach the pedals.

- Sit on the crossbar.

- And watch out for that
three-speed gear.

- Captain?

- What is it?

- A word of warning, this
time mind the bridge.

- Thank you, I will.

Ooh.

- The ammunition lorry will
be here in a few minutes.

Let us put in place the
roadblock.

- The tracks are faint,
but they are still visible.

Straight on.

- Edith, Maria, pull down your
skirts.

- You want to get my cafe a bad
name?

- It does not hurt to advertise.

- I must go and see to the
welfare of the British airmen.

How're you getting on there,
chaps?

What's happening?

How much longer do we
have to stay out here?

- You're not due for milking
until 5:30.

I'm jolly hungry.

- Here's a bar of chocolate.

You have to blow up an
ammunition lorry.

Then we'll see if we
can rustle up some soup.

Oh, good show.

- Henriette, have you
connected the terminals

to the plunger?

- I have.

- Where are the explosives?

- They're over there.

They're buried in the road.

- Good.

I see no sign of the ammunition
lorry.

- Look, an armored car is
approaching

from the other direction.

- Get your guns at the ready.

If we can hold it up for a few
moments,

the lorry will be here and we
can fulfill

our mission for France.

- We shall.

You are the bravest girl that I
know.

- You too, Henriette.

God bless our mission.

- God bless France.

WEBVTT
00:00:00.000, MPEGTS:0

- What is that in the road?

- It is a farm wagon.

It is very badly parked.

Stop, I'll get out and move it.

- Ready? Fire!

- On second thought, I will
wait a bit.

- Quick, the bandages.

- Are you wounded?

- No, I wish to surrender.

Don't shoot, I give up.

Oh!

- Stop. It is the white flag of
surrender.

- Look, it is Rene.

- You traitor.

So, you have joined the Germans.

- This gentleman kindly
helped me to borrow the tank

so we could blow up the train.

The one you refused to blow up

because you were blowing
up an ammunition lorry.

- That is why we are here.

- Well, you are wasting your
time.

As soon as we heard you
were going to blow it up,

we canceled it.

- Who told you?

- He did.

- Huh?

- You might have mentioned that.

- Collaborator.

- Michelle, it is all part
of a very complicated plan

to do with Hitler and a sausage,

and a lot of paintings which
will take too long to explain.

- I don't understand half of it
myself.

- Gestapo staff car is
approaching.

- What?

- Our mission is burn, we must
stop her.

- Quick.

- Hans, what are you
doing with Hubert's tank?

- I too, would like to know
the answer to that question.

- Well, Colonel, you see...

- It's quite clear to see
what's happened, Herr Flick.

Rene overheard a plot by the
resistance

to blow up an ammunition lorry.

Assisted by the captain, he
borrowed the armored car,

and with great bravery,
found the road block,

and fought off the resistance,

who even now can be seen
running across the field.

- I was just about to say all
that.

- Well, I feel special.

My armored car is covered
with little dents,

and there is mud all over the
wheels.

- I'm not entirely
convinced by this story.

- I have found proof, Herr
Flick.

See? This device is commonly
used by the resistance

when they're going to blow
something up.

- Nonsense, this is an ordinary
tire pump

which has been discarded
by a passing motorist.

This would not even blow up a
tire.

Herr Flick,

you have exploded the Gestapo
car.

- Well, that's nothing to worry
about.

The Gestapo can always get
another car from Berlin.

- I shall not be informing
Berlin of this incident.

I do not wish to look a right
nana.

Look.

- You fools, you have burned
our covers.

- Lieutenant Gruber,
you will drive us home.

What's going on now, Fairfax?

A lot of girls in their scanties

are climbing onto men's
bicycles.

Oh, come on,
what's really going on?

- I never want to go through
a night like that again.

- When Hitler gets his hands
on the Colonel's sausage,

and finds no painting,

the Colonel and the Captain
will have had their chips.

- Good riddance.

- Yes, speaking for
myself, I am up to here

with sausages and paintings and
Gestapo and escaping airmen.

All I want is a quiet life.

- Customers.

- We are closed.

- Go away. Cafe Rene does
not reopen until 9:30.

Oh, it is the Colonel and the
Captain.

- Oh my God, what now, let them
in.

- Quick Hans, close the
curtains.

- Colonel, why are you dressed
like that?

Is the war over?

- For us, very likely.

- When Hitler gets the empty
sausage

and the telegram from the
Colonel,

he will send some very
nasty men to look for us.

- Rene, you must help us get
away.

- We thought Switzerland
would do very nicely.

- We know you run an escape
route.

- We need papers, we
know you have a forger.

- Oh dear, Colonel,

I think you have quite
the wrong idea about me.

I am just a simple cafe owner.

- Rene, if you do not help us,

I will drop you in it.

- What are you going to use for
money?

- We have the painting,

and the week's pay owed for the
troops.

- When the troops find out,
will they not be cross?

- They will be hopping mad.

- Good.

- It is the police.

We have no papers.

- Ah, Captain.

- Open the door.

- Oh my God, it's that
stupid British idiot

who thinks he can speak French.

- Good Morning.

- I would offer you a cognac
coffee sir,

but I know you are not
allowed to drink on duty,

so good bye.

- I have come to express my
regrots

for the bills last night.

- Yes, well, there will
be an even bigger bills up

this morning if you do not go
away.

- I have good nose.

- Yes, yes, you are very
handsome.

Now, please go.

- My nose is as follows.

The troon carrying the sausage
has been bummed by the RAF.

- Bummed by the RAF?

Bummed by the RAF?

- What have the naughty
RAF been up to now?

- We have bombed an ammunition
train.

- Did they destroy it?

- They were little pissers
all over the tracks.

- Hans, this calls for a drink.
WEBVTT
00:00:00.000, MPEGTS:0

- Oh, Edith, Hubert, Maria,

how much longer am I to be
ignored?

Oh, Edith, where have you been?

I have not seen you for days.

- Do not be silly, mama,
I gave you your lunch.

Listen, I have good news.

Monsieur Alfonse the
undertaker is calling.

- Undertaker, oh.

So little time.

- Oh, no, mama, I think
he is in love with me.

Oh, it is so romantic.

I think he is coming to propose
to me.

Do you remember, we met him in
the square?

He has a mustache.

- Oh yes, yes, I remember him
well.

He had a little stiff one.

- That is he.

Oh, he has such manners,
and today this arrived.

And on it was this little
card with a love message.

- Swiftly and with style.

He has a high opinion of
himself.

No, no, no, mama, the other
side.

"I always think engagement rings

"Are such romantic, pretty
things

"And so, before my life is done

"I would dearly like to give
you one."

- Could you read the first part
again?

- Quick, shut the door.

- Where is my wife?

- She is upstairs, dressed
up like the dinner of a dog.

- She's going to parade herself
yet again

in the town square.

- Oh, but Rene, you should be
happy.

If she marries, you will be
free.

- And without a solitary soul.

- We will have money.

We will borrow explosives
from the resistance,

blow the safe, nick some money,

and hide in a little garret in
Paris,

and make love day and night
until the war is over.

- The very thought of it
makes me go weak at the knees.

Oh, not her again.

- Now listen very carefully,
I shall say this only once.

The escape package brought
by this British agent

was damaged in the landing.

You must help us to mend it.

- Mend it?

I don't even know what it is.

- It is a balloon made of silk.

Filled with hot air,

it will lift the basket with
the airmen,

and, with a favorable wind,

take them back across the
channel.

- Brilliant, and what do you
want, a needle and cotton?

- Some of the fabric is
torn away, and missing.

We need silk to replace it.

- Silk? Where am I supposed to
find silk?

- The agent Crabtree has a
plan which he will explain.

- You must go and get your
hands on girls' knockers.

- He means silk knickers.

- Sorry, perhaps my French cod
be better.

- I will give up my knickers
for France.

- Always the patriot.

- All the girls in the
resistance

will sacrifice their knickers.

- When I hear words like that,

it brings a lump to my throat.

- But even that will not be
enough.

- Well, how many pairs of
knock... knickers do you require?

- At least 40, or even 50.

- I will try for 15.

- Rene, is your wife's mother
passed away?

- If she has, she did not tell
me.

Why do you ask?

- Outside, has drawn up
a hearse with a horse.

- An horse hearse, outside my
cafe?

What can that mean?

- Rene, go away.

- What?

- It is Monsieur Alfonse.

He has come to court me.

- Ah, the widow Artois.

You look so pale and beautiful.

- How can this man see to bury
people?

- I see you have met the
twin brother of my husband.

- Ah, monsieur, how fortunate
it is that you are here,

as I wish to make my
intentions known to you.

- You may speak with
complete frankness, monsieur.

My girls cater to every taste.

- You clumsy oaf.

Monsieur Alfonse has come to
ask for my hand in marriage.

- What?

- That is correct.

- Rene, where is your
hospitality?

Let us be seated, and have some
wine.

Rene, a cognac for Monsieur
Alfonse.

- Cognac, Perrier.

- Now Monsieur, I believe
you are the next of kin

and guardian of this enchanting
lady.

Therefore, you will wish to
know what I have to offer.

- Yes, what does an old
undertaker have to offer?

- Monsieur as you know,

I have my own undertaker's
establishment,

and since the war, business
has been very brisk.

- It is an ill wind, as they
say.

- Now Monsieur, I have two
hearses and four horses.

- Four horses, Rene.

- He should have good rhubarb.

- I have 236 feet of planed
oaks, stocks of elm, pine, etc.

Mm hmm, mm hmm.

- I have 26 marble angels,
12 concrete cherubs,

100 weight of assorted enders,

and eight gallons of embalming
fluid.

Cheers.

- Sounds a very good business,
Rene.

- Who could refuse a man
with all those coffins

and eight gallons of embalming
fluids?

- I should also mention,

I have a small hearse
with a smaller horse.

- Very handy for shopping.

- And where is your house?

My house.

I have a spacious apartment
equipped with every luxury.

- And where is this apartment?

- Over the mortuary.

It was furnished by my late
wife,

who was taken suddenly in the
night.

- Well, at least she
did not have far to go.

- Of course, I realize,
beautiful lady,

that you are the pick of the
town.

That you also have younger
suitors,

more active suitors,

but believe me, in spite of my
years,

I am still fit enough to bang,
thank you,

a coffin together.

In the toughest wood, I
also have driving ambition.

One day, I aim to have a little

crematorium of my own.

- I am going to be a
nervous wreck in a minute.

- I realize of course that you
cannot come

to a decision at this moment.

Anyway, it is time I went,

as I am due to lay the widow
Montclair

out in half an hour.

- Well, you have certainly
given us a lot to think about.

- My respects, Monsieur.

Ladies.

Widow Artois.

I await your decision with
anguish.

You can always get me on my
night line.

I give 24 hour service.

- Not knit wool, no good.

Will let out the gas.

- Oh, I see a big bear.

- What are you doing, monsieur?

- Pardon, madame, I am
doing it for France.

I have to have your knickers.

- Enter.

- Yes, Helga, what can we do
for you?

- Judging from past
experience, very little.

- Colonel, I have something
very serious to report,

and it is very personal.

- A bun in the oven?

- How dare you!

- Helga, you're amongst friends.

What is it?

- I have to report that
I have lost my knickers.

- I was on the right lines.

- Are you in love with a fellow?

- It happened just now in the
garden.

They were removed when
I was not even looking.

- In broad daylight?

- They were taken from the line.

They were my best silk ones.

- The ones with the little
swastikas round the edge?

- Hans, how did you know?

When did you see Helga's
knickers?

- Oh, it was Christmas, when
she was hanging up the holly.

- No wonder you were so
keen to hold up the ladder.

- What do you wish me to do?

- Arrest some peasants and
shoot them.

- Helga, even Germans cannot
shoot people

for one pair of knickers.

- You're right, colonel.

After all, what in a pair of
knickers.

- Herr Flick.

Heil Hitler.

- Heil Hitler.

- Plop.

- Colonel, in the town under
your command,

there is serious indiscipline.

- Could you be more specific,
Herr Flick?

- My agents report that
there are many knickers

disappearing in this town.

- Really?

What kind of a man would do
that?

- Kinky.

- Mine were removed
only a few moments ago.

- Not the ones with the
little swastikas on the edge.

- The very same.

- Suddenly this minor incident

has taken a very serious turn.

When ordinary French knickers
are removed,

one could look the other way.

To remove the knickers of
glorious German army womanhood

can only result in one penalty.

- Life?

- Death.

- What do you wish me to do,
Herr Flick?

- The man suspected of the
stealing

was seen going into the
back door of Cafe Rene.

You will investigate.

- At once, Herr Flick.

- Heil Hitler.

- Plop.

WEBVTT
00:00:00.000, MPEGTS:0

- You seem very far away, Rene.

You have not spoken to me all
morning.

- My heart is full of sadness,
it is.

It seems after all these years
of magic,

I am to loose you to a
director of funerals.

- Your heart is full of
sadness because you are worried

about losing the cafe.

But I have been thinking, Rene.

I cannot do this to you
after all these years.

- Oh, Edith, you have made me
very happy.

- I will let you stay on as a
barman.

- No, no, I could not stay here

and watch the two of you
climb those stairs together.

- Oh, Rene, I promise you, I
would never do that with him.

We will climb the stairs at his
place.

- That does it.

I will go now.

No longer can I put a brave
face on this tragic affair.

- Oh, Rene, do I really
mean so much to you?

And is it true you could
not live without me?

And if I promise to marry you,

will you promise forevermore
to be faithful to me?

Yeah-a-a-a

- And do you find me as
beautiful as ever?

- So though it will break
Monsieur Alfonse's heart,

I will tell him I am destined
for another.

- There was another one?

- You, Rene.

- Oh, I am glad I can
still make you happy.

- Fraulein, these flowers
here were on the doorstep.

They are addressed to you.

They are from a Monsieur
Alfonse.

I hear he intends to marry you.

- No, I have made up my mind.

I am going to marry Rene.

- Marry Rene?

- I'm afraid so.

- Congratulations.

- The eternal triangle.

Ah, Colonel, welcome to my
humble cafe.

- I am afraid this is
an official visit, Rene.

Line up your staff immediately.

- Oh, yes sir.

Come in here, all of you.

The Colonel wishes to speak
with you.

Ah, was it the rabbit last
night, Colonel?

- It was not the rabbit.

- Oh, I see, well then,

may I inquire the nature of
your problem?

- Knickers.

- I am sorry I asked.

- Now, pay attention, all of
you.

There are missing in this town
many pairs of silk knickers,

including a pair formerly
occupied

by a member of the German staff,

who shall remain nameless.

- Helga.

- They have been traced to this
address.

I require an explanation.

- Well, Colonel, it is very
simple.

We wanted the silk, which
is in very short supply,

to make a wedding dress.

- A wedding dress?

How romantic.

Who's it for?

- You.

- Me, I am to be married.

- Who's the lucky man?

- It is I, Alfonse, director of
funerals,

swiftly and with style.

- No, no, you misunderstand.

I am to marry the brother
of my late husband, Rene.

Rene.

- Monsieur, a few hours ago
I came here as a man of honor

to ask you for this lady's hand.

You have humiliated me,
Monsieur.

You have insulted me.

I will have satisfaction.

- It is too late for
that, she has chosen me.

- I am a man of honor, Monsieur.

You will be hearing from me,

and my representatives
will arrange the time

and the place.

- He will not take no
for an answer, will he?

- Rene, he has challenged you
to a duel.

- What?

- Oh just think, men are
fighting over me.

- Oh, shut up.

Colonel, Colonel, you must have
friends.

I need papers, I have to get
away.

Please, I...

Swiftly and with style, oh my
God.