All language subtitles for Allo.Allo.1984.S02E02.1080p.PCOK.WEB-DL.AAC2.0.H264-Vialle

- In me, you see a worried man.

Do not be deceived by my happy
face.

I am a worried man.

I am not frightened of the

Gestapo,

Germans.

I am not even frightened
of the French resistance.

But my wife scares out of
me the living daylights.

She is spending my money like
water.

This is because, as you
will know if you have been

paying attention, I have been
shot dead

and am now posing as the twin
brother of her late husband.

And do you know what most
of all makes me worry?

I may have to marry her again

to get my finger back in my own
till.

You know what I am doing
with these flowers?

I am going to woo her again,

because suddenly I have
competition!

Apparently every able-bodied
man in this village

wants to get his hands on my
restaurant,

even if it means marrying the
old bat.

Just look, look at her.

How valuable this property must
be.

My god, this is not going to be
easy.

I must be money mad.

How much is there in the till?

Well I suppose it is worth it.

Here goes.

Uh, Edith?

Edith, my dear, drop that broom

and come over here a
moment, will you please?

- I have much to do.

We will be open soon.

- Oh no, this is more important.

Come here, will you.

- Well?

- I have for you, these.

- Why don't you put them
in water by yourself.

- No my dearest, they are for
you.

- What have you been up to?

- Nothing, my sweet.

- Have you been nicking more
of my money out of the till?

- No, my pet.

No, they are for you because I
love you.

- You have been drinking.

- I have never been more sober
in my life.

No, do you not remember, Edith,

I used to give you flowers
when we were courting.

- Oh Rene, how well I remember.

You were so romantic.

Always you would give
them to me on your knees.

- Did I?

- And you would swear to
me of your undying love.

- Well that is what I am
doing now, dear Edith.

- Really?

Kneel for me once more.

- Widow Artois!

- Yes?

- For you, asking a squire.

My compliments, my card.

- Pierre Legron?

Steeple Jack.

Oh, you are so kind but I'm
afraid you are

a little late.

Someone is about to propose to
me.

- Who?

- Me.

- Perhaps there is still a
chance for me,

if you fancy people that size.

- She does not fancy people
that size.

- But it was most kind of you
to offer.

- If you don't ask, you don't
get.

- You see, you are only just in
time.

So many suitors.

- Edith, let's just drop this
charade.

Let us just announce that
we are getting married again

then things can be just
as they were before, huh?

- No, I'm quite happy.

So many men, so many offers,

I'm quite enjoying myself.

I have played the field
before, I will play it again.

- But Edith, that was Nuveon
Rangers,

you have to forget all about
that.

- Rene, the rear room, quick.

- Not now, Maria.

- No, it is Michelle from the
resistance.

- What does she want?

- What the hell do I know?

Come on, come follow me.

Michelle, Michelle, where are
you hiding?

- I am here.

Now, listen very carefully.

I shall say this only once.

I have good news, I have come
here

to collect the british airmen.

I expect you will be very
glad to get rid of them.

- You can say that again.

- I don't suppose she will.

- Further instructions will be
sent to you

by secret messenger, disguised
as a simple farm worker.

- Why do I need further
instructions?

I thought this was the end of
it all.

- You forget your position.

Your humble cafe is the
headquarters of the organization

to assist escaping airmen.

To add explosives, to pass
messages,

and to organize sabotage.

- Which is all happening here.

- I hope you tell people
who want to marry you

the sort of trouble
you can get them in to.

It is like getting in
to bed with a time bomb.

- I have hinted at it.

- I expect it put them off.

- Oh, they cannot wait to light
the fuse.

- Edith.

Oh, does nobody hear back?

- Shut up, you silly old bat.

Do you want to wake up
the whole neighborhood?

Get them down.

- I am weak, I am feeble, I
want to see

my daughter married before the
good Lord

sends an angel to take me away.

Oh my god, already they've come
for me.

Ah, there are two of them.

I must be more important than I
thought.

But why is that one carrying a
candle?

- Because where you are
going it will be very dark.

- Do not frighten my mother
like that.

It is the airmen, mother.

We hid them, while you were
asleep.

I'm going mad, I am seeing
flashing knobs.

- It is the rapio, quick.

Hello night hawk,

hello night hawk.

- Hello, hello, this is night
hawk,

receiving you loud and not very
clear.

Pass your message, over.

The flashing bed knobs

are not reliable.

- The flashing bed knobs are
not reliable.

Get the code book.

What does that mean?

It means that we have been

trying to get you for three
days.

- My wife's mother does not
understand

flashing knobs, over.

Hold on, while we try

to decode your message to
find out what it means.

- It means my wife's
mother is a silly old bat

who does not understand
flashing bed knobs.

Now pass your message over.

They up
ones will be carried away

in a chariot.

- Even in heaven, they
know about my bad legs.

- This means the plane is
coming tonight

to pick up the British airmen.

I say, chaps, there's a
plane coming for you tonight.

- Oh wacko.

- Well get a move on, it's
toodle, piff,

and back to dear old blighty.

- Good day.
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- Good day.

- Hefflick, what brings you
here?

I'm afraid the colonel and
the captain are absent.

- I'm aware of this.

I observed their departures
through

my pair of binoculars.

My business is with you and in
private.

- You wish me to kiss you?

- Not on duty, thank you.

Are you sure there is nobody
about?

- Certain, Hefflick.

- I have something to show you.

- That was too quick, Hefflick.

- I will do it more slowly.

What did you see?

- Unusaly large knockwurst.

- Correct.

This one contains the real
painting

of the fallen madonna by Van
Clump.

This one is the forgery.

The other forgery I had
destroyed in a very hot furnace.

This one, the forgery, you
will give to the colonel

Van Strom, who will send
it to the furor in Berlin.

- But what if the furor
discovers it's a forgery?

- Then he will have the colonel
shot.

- What about the real one?

- You will hide it.

- Certainly, Hefflick, but
where?

- You will give it to
the cafe owner, Rene.

Tell him to hang it
with the other sausages

in the kitchen, with the
instructions

that it belongs to Hefflick of
the gestapo

and nobody is to have a nibble.

- Will it be safe?

- Perfectly.

Nobody would dare to
touch a gestapo sausage.

- What of the third sausage?

- This is our dinner.

We will consume it tonight
in Rene's back room

by candlelight.

- Oh, Hefflick, it'll be so
romantic.

A candlelight knockwurst.

- It will be a heady evening.

- Hefflick, a thought
has just occurred to me.

How will the French cafe owner

know which is your special
gestapo sausage

containing the painting
of the fallen madonna

with the big boobies by Van
Gogh.

- Very simple.

Upon my special sausage,
is a little swastika.

- I should have guessed.

You think of everything.

May I kiss you now?

- Not while you are holding the
sausage.

- Ah, Yvette, the airmen, have
they gone?

- Half an hour ago.

Ah, good.

- Michelle says she was
putting them in a safe place.

- And my wife, where is she?

- She has gone to parade herself

around the town square, again.

- She has not bought, yet,
another new hat, has she?

- No.

Rene, have you told your wife
we are going to get married?

- Not yet, Yvette, there
are complications you see.

- Well, what complications?

- Well it is just possible
I may have to marry Edith

again to get my restaurant back.

- Rene, if you do I
will, I will kill myself.

- Yvette.

- No, I will only marry
her for a short time.

Then I can throttle her

or push her off a cliff or
something.

- Well why can't you push her
off a cliff

or something now?

- Where would I find a
cliff in the town square?

- But Rene, I love you so much.

- Ah, you have got dough on
your hands.

Open this.

- Oh, Rene, kiss me, kiss me.

Rene, where are you?

- It is Maria, quick
she must not catch us.

- Well, why not?

- She might tell my wife.

- But she's my best friend.

- All the more reason why
she must not catch us.

Get back to your bread.

- Rene, Lieutenant Kuber's
waiting in the back.

He has a present for you.

- Presents?

I have a been a single man, he
always has a present for me.

- Ah, mister Rene.

I, I have a little luxury for
you.

- Ah.

- It is from gay Paris.

- Where else?

- It is a lotion to put
on the face after shaving.

- Oh.

- It's very popular with
officers in the tank call.

- I expect it makes the tank
smell better.

- There is nothing worse
than being squashed up

in a hot tiger tank full of
soldiers.

- Can you not leave the lid
open?

- We do, but you have to be
careful.

Occasionally, assistants
drop hand grenades in.

We execute dozens of them,
but they take no notice.

- Oh, that is very strong.

- It's better on the skin.

- Mmm, this lily of the
valley with an hint of diesel.

- My apologies, Tuesday
is maintenance day.

I, I do not want to be critical,

but your lipstick is crooked.

- Rene, come here, we wish to
talk to you.

- Of course, yes?

- Sit down and pay attention.

I understand that Helga
has explained to you

about the sausages.

- That the paintings inside.

- Shut up, Hance, it's
confusing enough

without you joining in.

- Yes, sir, yes Helga explained.

Now, there is a real knockwurst,

a forged knockwurst, and a
knockwurst for dinner, yes?

- You put in a nutshell.

- Or a sausage kit.

- Stop, Hance.

We now have all three sausages.

- Oh.

Thank you.

- Now, as I understand it, this
is the one

containing the real painting

because it has a little,
little, swastika, yeah?

And now, one of these I
cook and the other one

contains the forged
painting, which you are going

to send to Hitler, correct?

- Very nearly.

- Helga has for us a most
ingenious plan.

- Which is why we had to
null her in on the action.

- My plan is as follows.

This sausage you will cook for
twenty two and a half minutes

precisely, otherwise you will
ruin it.

This sausage, containing
the real painting,

you will hide in your cellar.

Upon this sausage, containing
the forgery, even place

a little swastika, and
you will hang this sausage

in your kitchen, in accordance
to Hefflick's instructions.

- What are you going to send to
Hitler?

- That is the clever bit.

We are going to send to
Hitler a forged knockwurst.

- Hance, it is not a forged
knockwurst.

It is a normal knockwurst.

- It's a normal knockwurst.

- And what is Hitler going to
say

when he gets a normal
knockwurst?

- It will never arrive.

Somebody will tell the
resistance

that there are valuable
secret military supplies

on the train.

And, the resistance will blow
it up.

- Ha, well who is going
to tell the resistance

a silly story like that?

- The man who is hiding in his
cellar

a stolen gestapo sausage.

- You cannot, you cannot
expect me to go about

telling...

- Don't argue with me

or I'll have you shot.

- But you cannot have me shot,

I have not done anything.

- We are winning the war.

I am a German officer and
I can shoot anyone I like.

Now, Helga, the stamp.

Excellent.

Now, you will take this one
and hang it in the kitchen

and you will tell them to cook
that one.

- For twenty two and a half
minutes.

- Yes, colonel.

- Rene, you will hide this in
your cellar.

- Oh, but colonel.

- May I join you?

It's very lonely just
talking to french girls.

- By all means, left then and
cover.

- I noticed there's a spare
seat here, next to Rene.

- Oh, yeah, it is taken.

- We have finished our
business, have we not, Rene?

Hefflick.

- Hefflick of the gestapo?

- Who else?

- Good evening, colonel.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

- Have our little food
stuffs been assigned

to their correct destinations.

- Yes, Hefflick.

- And a little gift for the
furor.

- That is at the parcels
office at the station

and will leave tomorrow night
for Berlin.

- Good.

We have cause for a celebration.

The gestapo will buy you wine.

- A rare occasion, Hefflick.

- It will be on the gestapo
entertainment allowance.

- Even rarer.

- Enjoy yourself.
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- Hance, when Hefflick
comes back, he will sit

in that chair, next to me.

He must not observe the sausage.

Take it.

- But I, ehh.

It is cold and clammy.

- He's coming.

- But suppose he sees me with
it.

- But push down the table.

- Rene.

- Yes.

- Pass this to Lieutenant
Gruber.

Tell him not to say a word.

- Lieutenant Gruber, do not say
a word.

- I beg your pardon.

- Do not say a word.

We must keep this a
secret from the gestapo.

- You can trust me.

- Help yourselves.

Well, as field marshall
Goewing would have said,

bottoms up.

- Bottoms.

- Lieutenant Gruber, you're
not joining our toast?

- Oh, I am sorry.

I was miles away.

- Where have you been until
this time?

- Rene, am I late?

Oh, I bet time has flown.

My world has taken on a new
magic.

The flowers are brighter,
the grass is greener.

I feel I must sing a song of
love

and open cheer.

- Take off your act and
go and do the washing up.

What do you want?

- Ah, patron, I am a simple
farmhand.

I gave madam a lift on a mud
tractor.

I have for you a message.

- Come to the back.

- Now, maybe for a simple
farmhand, you have perhaps

a cognac.

- If you are a simple farmhand,
you have simple tastes.

You can have a beer.

- It is I, Laclair.

- Well, well.

Disguised as an idiot.

You know, you had me completely,

what is that terrible smell?

- I have been spreading the muk.

- Michelle made him do
it as part of his cover.

- It is practically all of his
cover.

Yes,

a message

that the chariot will pick
up the lovers tonight at 2.

You will be at the cow
shed of farmer Claud, at 1.

Remember to bring a hurricane
lamp.

- Get back to your dungee

and tell Michelle I am staying
here.

- What is the matter with you?

You have the guts of a sparrow.

How could I, the widow
autoire, marry such a coward

when my husband died for France?

- Edith, I think you are
getting confused.

It was I who died for France.

I do not mean to die for France
twice,

not in the same year.

- Tell Michelle he will be
there.

- I go.

- You're not consuming
your sausage very quickly.

- I've never had such a big one
before.

- I stick mine in the pickle,

it revitalizes it.

- You were telling me
about the interrogation

you carried out last week.

- I have talked enough shop for
one night.

- I think I've also
eaten enough knockwurst.

- Then Ernie will bring you a
doggie bag.

- But I do not have a doggie.

- So we will sew it out of my
stuff car

and let the French peasants
fight over it.

- What fun.

- They're finished.

Quick, Yvette, get in with the
bill.

- Your bill, Hefflick.

- I will settle it at
my gestapo headquarters.

- Yes, Hefflick.

- Bring it to me yourself,
alone.

- Yes, Hefflick.

- They never do, of course.

Are you ready?

- At your command, Hefflick.

- Then we will go home.

- Your place or mine?

- You will go to your
place I will go to mine.

- Thank you, Hefflick.

- Goodnight, Hefflick.

- Goodnight.

- The girls look very cute in
the uniform

of French maids.

- Thank you, Hefflick.

They are very popular.

Should you ever require
their services, you...

- Thank you, and do my own
dusting.

Heil Hitler.

Heil Hitler.

- Yes.

Not forgetting Himlar.

And Gerbils.

- And Gerbils.

Quick, lock up, we will
leave by the side door.

It is all clear, follow me.

Give the signal.

- What signal?

- The hoots of the owl.

- Edith, I am a cafe owner,
I do not do impersonations.

- Very well, I will do it.

- What sort of an owl was that?

- Only one that is unappreciated
by the bird up there.

A critique, perhaps.

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- Don't move.

I have four baskets with me.

- It is hard to get good help
these days.

- Walk this way.

Hand them out.

- What are these for?

- These are your covers.

- Ah.

- Your cover is to be mushroom
pickers.

If you are stopped, you are on
your way

to the fields to pick
mushrooms for the restaurant.

- Ah, this is a good cover.

The best ones pop up at night.

- Give them the guns.

- They're loaded but their not
cocked.

- Why do we need guns?

Mushrooms do not not fight back.

- Only if the Germans find
you helping British airmen

to escape, you will have
to shoot your way out.

- Where are the airmen?

- They are softly hidden.

Follow me.

Or yet.

- Thank you for letting
me see you home, Hefflick.

- Just in time.

- The rain is about to commence.

My hair will get wet.

- Step forward under the
brim of my wide gestapo hat.

- While I'm here, shall I kiss
you?

- There all right, just a quick
canoodle.

- I find kissing you while
the elements are active

very exciting.

- Of course.

- Ah, we are going to get wet.

- Sissy.

- Follow me inside.

- What are you doing here?

- It is I, Laclair.

I am disguised as a simple
milking maid.

- You looked the same when
you were a simple farmhand.

- Well as it were, we
are very short on staff.

- Where are the airmen?

- I shall take you to them.

This is Gatiya,

this Claudette.

Here is Sophia.

Ridgette.

And this, like lieutenant
Fairfax.

- Hey there.

- Oh, god, what is he doing
here?

- He is working to be milked.

- Where is Costance.

- I'm in charge of the canteen,
this end.

- Yeah, this seems a bit small.

- So that is what happened
to my washing up gloves.

- If you mind my asking,
what are we all doing here?

- The plan is to, in ten
minutes,

it will land the other side
of the woods across the road.

The road is controlled by the
Germans.

Should we encounter them,
they will not suspect

six mushroom pickers and a herd
of cows.

- Right.

- Are you trying to
tell me that the Germans

will not suspect that cow?

- Not when he is mixed amongst
the others.

Sir Laclair, it is time.

You and the farmer must lead
out the cows.

What's going on?

It's jolly hard to see.

Then use your nose.

- What do we do now?

- We go to the fields to pick
mushrooms.

- Which way is the field?

- Follow the cows.

- Look, Edith, I have
already found a mushroom.

- That is turd stool.

I say, Fairfax.

What's the matter?

I've just trodden in something.

Well it's nothing to do with me.