All language subtitles for Taskmaster.NZ.S03E09

(WHEEL CLICKS)

- (GRUNTS)

- Ooh-hoo-hoo.

(KEYS CLACK)

- (GROANS)

- (EXCLAIMS)

- My name is Paul Williams.

- (GRUNTS)

- (GRUNTS)

(KEYS CLACK)

- Oh!

- (STRAINS)

- (GRUNTS)

(CLUNK!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

- Kia or koutou. Welcome to
the show known as Taskmasker.

It's the penultimate episode, but I
am still the ultimate Jeremy Wells.
(LAUGHTER)

However, for the next wee while,
you better sit up straight
and call me the Taskmaster.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

With only two episodes
to go in the season,

our five comedians are
starting to show signs of
zombie-like desperation ―

shaking, foaming at the mouth,

incoherent babbling about needing
my head in golden statue form.

Only one will satisfy their urges,
but let's enjoy them all while we
still can.

Once again, they are Chris Parker,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Josh Thomson,...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Justine Smith,...

- Thank you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- ...Kura Forrester...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Paul Ego.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

If they do turn full zombie,
I know exactly who my number
one human shield will be.

Please welcome the first person
I'd sacrifice, Paul Williams.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Let's kick the show off, Paul.
- We start, as always,
with a prize task.

This week ―
the best baffling mystery.

- (CHRIS WHISTLES)
- OK. Let's see what mysteries
you guys have brought in,

starting with Justine Smith.

- OK, Taskmaster.
Now, this week, I've brought in
quite a natural kind of mystery.

It is a pot of dirt.

Now, OK, I now it's not overwhelming
at first, but what is in this pot of
dirt, Taskmaster?

Is it something beautiful? Is it
something edible? Is it something
smokable? I don't know.

Now, I know what you're thinking,
cos I've learnt to read that face ―

that chiselled face that
you could grate some cheese
on those cheekbones ―

I've learnt to read...
(LAUGHTER)

...your face a little bit, and while
you're thinking, 'This is just a pot
of dirt,'

you know, potentially,
I could've done a little bit better,

but then by last week, the way you
scored the doppelgangers, when mine
was clearly the best,

I thought, oh well,
I'll just bring in a pot of dirt.
(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Josh, what did you bring in?

- Well, I thought you
did a great job of the judging of
the doppelgangers, to be honest.

- (CHRIS LAUGHS)
- Well, when I was a child,

my favourite doll was a Boba Fett
action man thing from Star Wars.

Boba Fett wasn't actually that
one, because I lost him. This is
the packet I got it in, though.

I remember I was playing in
a paddock next to a trough.

And here's the paddock here.

And I remember burying him,
and then I got told to come
in cos it was dark.

And I was really distraught, cos the
next day, I couldn't find him. I was
digging up, and I couldn't find him.

And then I kinda forgot about Boba.

Kenner, who made the Boba Fett doll,
made a range that had a rocket that
would fire out of thebackpack.

They made it for only a
very, very small amount of time,

because children may or
may not have choked on the rocket.
(LAUGHTER)

So they discontinued it.

I specifically remember being able
to fire a rocket out of this Boba
Fett.

Now, a Boba Fett doll that has a
firing rocket last year sold for
US$225,000.

- CHRIS: Oof.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- So, somewhere in that paddock...
(LAUGHTER)

...is US$250,000.

- The mystery here is why you
think I would care about this.
(LAUGHTER)

Kura, what did you bring in?

- I think you'll agree
I'm a great gal, right?

- Yeah, you're a great gal.
- And so would my friends here.

- Sure, hard out.
- JUSTINE: Yeah, 100%.

- I'm funny.
- Yep.
- PAUL EGO: Yes.

- I live in Avondale.
- Yes.
- Whoo!

- I got a good job.
- Sure.

- Good boobs.
- Good boobs.

- Here's the mystery ―
I ask you, why...

is she still single?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

And so I present to you, and
whoever wins tonight can take
control of this,

my Bumble account.
(LAUGHTER)

- JOSH: Ohh.
- CHRIS: Ahh.
- Yeah.

For those of you who don't know,
Bumble is an online dating, you
know, thing.

So this is my profile. It says,
'Looking for something serious,
but still fun. Ha-ha face.'

My interests ― concerts, theatre,
cafe-hopping, coffee and ambition.
(LAUGHTER)

- I'm intrigued by one of
her interests being 'ambition'.
- Yeah.

- 'What are you doing this weekend?'
'Being ambitious.'
- Yes.

- Chris, what did you bring in?

- I've got something that I know
is very important to someone in
this cast.

And I've got a picture
of it up here.

(LAUGHTER)
- It's a box.

- I thought I could reveal it, but I
think some mysteries are better left
unsolved.

- I'm scared, cos I-I recently
watched the movie 'Se7en'.
(LAUGHTER)

- Yeah, but you don't have a wife.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, not any more.
(LAUGHTER)

- It's gonna be tricky to judge
that one, Chris, but we'll move
on to Paul.

- OK, Taskmaster. During the week,
and sometimes on the weekends,

I like to catch up with mates for a
coffee. And sometimes they're close
friends; sometimes they're family.

So my question to you,
my mystery is this ―

of all the people that I could
choose to go and have a coffee with
during the week or on theweekends,

why on Earth am I having coffee
with your mum?
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Why are you having
coffee with my mum?
(LAUGHTER)

- Oh, look, Sheryl and I catch up
most weeks for a coffee and talk
about, you know,

how proud we both are of how your
career's gone and stuff like that.
(LAUGHTER)

We couldn't be prouder,
to be honest.

- I think the concerning thing is,
and I think my father and my brother
will agree with me onthis,

I've never seen her happier.
(LAUGHTER)

Time to judge.

One for your dirt, Justine.
- (CHRIS LAUGHS)
- Really (?)

- Two for your mysterious box, Chris.
- Fine.

- Three for your Boba Fett, Josh.

Four for your Tinder mystery,
which is a mystery, to be fair.
- Thank you.

- And I'll give you five points
for that, Paul.
- Thank you.

- A lot of effort went into that.
Making my mother smile ― not easy.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

OK, Paul, at least solve one mystery
for me ― are we going to have another
task?

- We are. I can feel it in the wind.
This task is au naturel.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Hi, Paul.

- Oh! (GASPS)

- Have you ever
killed anyone in here?
- Uh-uh.

- Ooh! What if something's in here?

- Ooh!

- READS: 'Become one with nature.'

- 'Fastest wins.'

- 'Your time starts now.'

(LAUGHTER)

- Am I gonna shit in the woods?
Is that what you want?

- Do you want me to stop the clock?
- We could get better, couldn't we?
Let's go. Let's go outside.

- It sounds simple. Let's see
some botany boobies or bum wees.
Paul, who's first?

- One of them has 'forest' in her
last name; the other has forests
on every shirt he owns.

It's Kura and Paul.

- Oh, there's so much nature.
Which nature shall I become
one with, though?

- Natural things.

# You make me feel like a... #

This isn't very fast.

What's better ― to be fast or good?

- Oh, this is good.
This is a good sort of setting.

We've got a good bit of climbing
ability here. I hope I just don't
hurt my Crocs.

- Do you know the song
'Natural Woman'?
- Mm-hm.

- Could you sing it for me?

# You make me feel....
- # ...make me feel like natural...

- That's beautiful.
- # ...woman. #

- I am Groot.

It's a movie reference.
- Uh-huh.

- This represents earth, sea,

air, sky.

How do I become one with it?

Finished.
- Stop the clock?
- Yeah.

- So you want me to stop the clock?
- Hang on. Just give me a minute.

I'm just soaking up
the sound of the cicadas.
- Thought you were weeing.

- Well, I'm doing that as―
You didn't need to mention that.

- Thank you, Kura.
- Sorry for the mess.
- That's OK.

- There are so many sticks up me.

- How am I gonna explain
that at home?

'Why have you got twigs in your
pants?' 'Oh, I had sex with an
old broom.'

(APPLAUSE)

- Paul, you climbed a tree.
- Yeah, quite high too.

- The Crocs came in handy ― again.
- They did. They blended in
beautifully with the tree.

And great sp― You see how high― how
quickly I got up to that height?

That was cos of the cushioning
in the Croc. That's why a lot
of mountain climbers wear them.

Hillary had Crocs on ―
Edmund Hillary.
(LAUGHTER)

Yeah.

You could hear him going up,
just... (IMITATES SQUEAKING)

(CONTINUES IMITATING SQUEAKING)
(LAUGHTER)

- How long did Paul take
to climb the tree?

- So, Paul claimed to be one
with nature in three minutes
and 24 seconds.

- Yeah, I get in
the zone quite quick.

- And what about Kura?
- Kura ― 4.57.

- OK. Any more nature, Paul?
And remember, we are looking for
the fastest time here, aren't we?

- Well, that's the good thing about
nature ― there will always be more
of it, no matter whatwe do.

(LAUGHTER)
Enjoy.

- (GASPS)

(HONKS)

(HONKS)

- Do you feel one with nature?
- I do.

- What are you doing?

(LAUGHTER)

- (HONKS)

- I feel really relaxed, actually.

I've got the warm grass.
I've got clouds.

Pfffft!

- Time.
- Stop the clock?
- Yeah.

- Were you one with nature?
- Oh, I was a goose.

- Bit me on the arm.
- Yeah, well...
It's very natural, isn't it?

- You think the Taskmaster
will accept that?

- If the Taskmaster
doesn't like it...

- You'll give him some sticks.
- I'll... stick it to him.

- You think anyone will top that?
- Well,...

all they'd have to do would be
take off all their clothes and
hop in there.

- # Only the crumbliest,

# flakiest chocolate. #

Oh, that's the song
from the Flake ad.
- I don't know that ad.

- I'm one with nature, though.
- I'll stop the clock.

- Yeah. Have you got any undies?
- No, sorry.

- OK. It's gonna be
an uncomfortable drive home.

- Do you think
anyone will beat this?
- It'll be annoying if someone does.

Oh, did...

did someone shit in the woods?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So gross in there!

- Well done, mate.

- Josh, of course, that lake
has been dubbed 'Poo Lake'.
- Yeah.

- Correct, yep.
- Was it dubbed 'Poo Lake' before
or after you went into it?

(LAUGHTER)

- There was a lot of gross...

duck, goose, other effluent
from the farms nearby.
- So much.

- There was I'm pretty sure an eel.
Someone said there was, like, some
carp, those koi.

And I saw, like, an orange flash ―

I thought you were in
there for one second; there was,
like, a thing swimming past me ―

- # Da, da. #
- Aargh!

- How were the times?

- So, Chris became a goose
in two minutes and 13 seconds.
- Quick to be a goose.

- Justine incredibly managed to lie
on the ground in one minute flat.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Very quick.
Josh ― eight minutes and 20 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, I think when we come to
score this, I think it's fair to
say Josh was definitely...

- JUSTINE: Yep.
- ...the most at one with nature.
- OK.

- PAUL EGO: For sure.
- So I think you should get
five points for that, Josh,

even though your time was the
longest. And then I thinking
timing from then on.

- The time for the rest?
- I think so.

- So that would be one point for
Kura, two for Paul, three for Chris,
and four for Justine.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Time for the most natural thing in
the television kingdom ― an ad break.
Enjoy it, and we'll beback soon.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to the full-body
experience that is Taskmaster.

Before we dive into another task,
who is out in front?

- Josh Thomson with eight points.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Very good.

Well, I'd like to see another task,
please.

- This task is the most important
task of the day. Bon appetit.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- JOSH: Whoo! Positive!

A positive man.
What's happening, Paul?

- Hey, P Willy. You're lookin' nice
today. Is that a new jacket?

- Uh, no, same jacket.
- It's the same jacket.

- What's it gonna say? Fill up this
box. Fastest fill wins. (LAUGHS)

Lucky I'm not writing the tasks,
eh, Paul?

- READS: 'Create and advertise
an amazing new cereal.'

- 'Best new cereal wins.'

- 'You have one hour.'

- 'Your time starts noooooooow.'

- OK. It's gotta be yum.

- What textures do
you like in cereal?

- Honestly,
that's none of your beeswax.
- Beeswax?

- Who eats cereal? Kids, really.
Stoned people at night.
Mine's gonna be for kids.

- I need, like, 20 bucks.

- OK.
- I'm gonna put it in the box.

- None of yer beeswax.
I think that's what we'll call it.

And then we'll get Mike McRoberts
or whoever to be like, 'It's none
of your beeswax, but it ismine.'

- This is gonna be good, you see.
It's what a lot of people forget
about ― honey.

You know, they think it's just to
lure bears into your house for sex,
but it's not. It'snot.

- Every box contains 20 to 50 bucks.
But it only costs $1.50.

- Wow.
- That's amazing, right?

- What do you think about
big men and milk?

- Me?
- Mm.

- Yeah, it's good.

- We'll seal that up
with something, you know.

This might be a good chance to use
the honey I was talking about just
as a...

you know, it becomes, like,
a natural wax, like a sealing―

You can use your finger
to just sorta seal the join.

- Amazing part.

- And my cereal's gonna be called
Sugar Boogers, and they're gonna
be like snot. The ki―

Why is everything I do a bit gross?
I should do something nice.

No, I'm afraid
it's gonna be Sugar Boogers.

- WHISPERS: Do you like honey?

Don't tell anyone.

- WHISPERS: We're filming this.

- (LAUGHS)

- Kura, I'm no Steve Jobs,
but I'm just thinking,
so, you've got a product there ―

you're giving away $20 inside of
your cereal. Your product's gonna
be $1.50.

Seems a little fraught.

- How so?
(LAUGHTER)

- You're losing $18.50 per box.

- Oh, yeah, no, I'm just a creator.

Somebody else is gonna worry about
that when it gets manufactured.
Yeah, yeah.

No, don't worry about it.
(LAUGHTER)

- OK. We've got
five brand-new cereals.

Personally, I never thought it was
the most important meal of the day,

but I'm ready to have
my mind changed. Who's first?

- He was named after cornflakes.
It's Chris P.

- What would you like to eat, son?
- None of Yer Beeswax.

- Excuse your fucking mouth!
- No, it's a cereal.
It's the name of the cereal.

- (CHUCKLES) Of course.
How dumb of me.

None of Your Beeswax is the cereal
with the nutritional value people
say is none of you beeswax.

But don't take our word for it.
Here's what our celebrity
influencers have to say about it.

- It's none of your beeswax.

- But it's all mine.

- I love...

- ...None of Your Beeswax cereal.

- How does it taste?

- Tastes like...
none of yer beeswax.

- Excuse your fucking mouth!
Oh, I'm sorry. I get it.

(LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

None of Yer Beeswax. It's none
of your beeswax, but it is mine.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Oh man. The barely contained
physical abuse is such a great way
to connect with household shoppers.

- Mm. Parents will be like,
'I'm fuckin' buying that.'

I honestly thought 'genius',
because the milk came in a
box in a little bag.

- Was that―? Was that breast milk?
- No, it'smilkmilk.
(LAUGHTER)

Why would it be breast milk?
- JUSTINE: What is wrong with you?
- Cos it was, like, yellow.

That's what breast milk―
You store it―
- No, cos it's, like, honey-themed.

- Oh right. Cos you store
breast milk in a pouch.

- Josh, they're called breasts.
(LAUGHTER)

Oh (!)

- Whose amazing new cereal
have you got next for us, Paul?

- With a new cereal for breakfasters
on a budget, it's Kura Forrester.

- Hi. Are you poor
but love healthy breakfasts?

Do you love a breakfast
that costs under $2?

Then you need to try
the amazing new Paupers Grain.

Do you like deez nuts
or are you a pussy?

Because this is chock-full
or delicious healthy nuts,
rolled oats, chocolate,

but also, it has an amazing
surprise right inside every box.

You won't be hungry for the rest of
the day until night-time, and then
you can just have it for dinner.

Try it. Paupers Grain. Yummy, yummy.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- LAUGHS: Paupers Grain.
- Pauper.

- That name again, please.
- Paupers Grain.

For poor people.
- No, I know!

- Is it a bad...? Is it a bad word?
I thought it was like Mary Poppins.

- It's not a bad word. It's not a
word that you hear bandied about
a lot these days.

- Yeah, well― Yeah.
- They kind of― They dropped it
out when Oliver Twist grew up.

- Yeah.
(LAUGHTER)

Well, I couldn't call it
Poor People's Grain.

- Well, that's essentially
what you've done.
- You kind of did, though.

- I mean, I reckon it'll shift some
units; there's no doubt about that.
But is it sustainable?

- Yes.

I told you ― somebody in, uh,...

finance is gonna...

suss it out.
(LAUGHTER)

- That has convinced me (!)

Whose amazing new cereal do
you have for us next, Paul?

- It's not Just Right; it's Justine.

(ZIP WHIZZES RHYTHMICALLY)

RAPS: # Sugar Booga.

# Sugar Booga.

# Uh.

# What's for breakfast, babe?
I've woken up snacky.

# Could be last night when
I smoked some wacky backy.

# Now I'm quite peckish,
in need of a snack.

# What's this in the cupboard
right at the back?

# Yes, what a score.

# It's really quite ethereal.

# A box of Sugar Boogas ―
my favourite kind of cereal.

# Green and salty

# but sweet with a twist.

# I'll put them in a bowl
and eat them with my fist.

# Sugar Booga.

# Uh. Mm.

Ingredients ― low-protein salt,
stevia, maize, cornstarch, wheat,
soy, sodium phosphate...

(CONTINUES RAPIDLY, INDISTINCTLY)

# Sugar Booga. #

- CHRIS: So good, Juzzie.
- Oh yeah.

- Yes!
- Oh yeah!

It is hard seeing the kids
not be down with your hipness.
(LAUGHTER)

- It's hard to be this cool at 53
and a white woman from Christchurch,
Jeremy.

- I mean, and some of
the audience out there will remember
Robert D Frogg ― drips waste water.

That took me back to that.
Or maybe the Chickadees ad.
- OK...?

- Nobody else will remember that.

- He grew up when people
were still saying 'pauper'.
(LAUGHTER)

- Well, we've tried some of the
oldest tricks in the sales book,

including aggressively yelling
at you, promising free money, and
likening its flavour to boogers.

How do the pros do it?
Well, we'll see you after this.
(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,

where not for the first time this
season, we've got a real-life mum
up for grabs.

What the hell is happening now,
though, Paul?

- We're dipping our toes into the
lucrative breakfast cereal market.

Our comedians have been
making and advertising their own.

We've seen Sugar Boogas, Paupers
Grain and one more that I'm not
gonna say the name of,

because, honestly,
it's none of your beeswax.
- AUDIENCE: ...none of your beeswax.

- Excuse your fuckin' mouth!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Who else do we have to see, Paul?
- He's the toast of Devonport.
It's Paul Ego.

- Ah. Mornings in the forest.
I love them.

Smelling the honey out here,
the vanilla, the oats,

all the naturally occurring smells
that I love to shove into my face
every morning at breakfast time.

And now you can too with Paul Ego's
new Vanilla Hunna Noats.

Naturally occurring honey ―
there's nothing quite like it.

It's very sweet.

One of the great things
about Vanilla Hunna Noats is the
entire box is sealed with honey,

such a beautiful natural adhesive.

And cereal bowls ―
you won't even need them.

The good thing about the Hunna
Noats is you can enjoy them...
(CRASH! BOWL WOBBLES CONTINUOUSLY)

(BOWL SETTLES)
...straight from the box.

Just simply pour the milk directly
into the box of Hunna Noats and just
enjoy them straight out.

Paul Ego's Vanilla Hunna Noats ―
just a fantastic way to start the
day the natural way.

Vanilla Hunna Noats.

Mmm.

No wonder bears love them.

(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- That was very good.
- Thank you.

- They actually were
quite delicious, yeah.

- What was in Hunna Noats?

- There was a lot of, um― well,
oats, obviously and a lot of hunna,

uh, which is a natural product very
much like honey but with hummus also
added.

- Everything suddenly feels sticky.

But I'd like to see
one more, please, Paul.
- It's Josh Thomson.

- Raw oats.

Golden popcorn.

Shredded coconut.

Pieces of apricot.

Hand-hulled pistachios.

Mustachios.

The genderless cereal ― for now.

Whatever genitals you got, try it.

It's the flavour of now.

Well, all right!

- What was that last bit?
- Oh, I was kinda just thinking
of cool things to say.

I said, 'Well, all right.'
- Oh! K.

- Well, all right!
- Is that, like, the catchphrase?
- Yeah, I thought it... Yep.

MUFFLED: Mustachios.

Well, all right!

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

That would've been
one of the better takes.
- Sorry.

- It's OK.

But all jokes aside, if this gets
picked up, is that my copyright?
- Yeah.

- Well, all right!

(LAUGHTER)

- Well, all right!
- All right!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well, all right!

- I thought Intolerance Man's
catchphrase, 'Yeah!' was good.
(LAUGHTER)

But (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) 'Well,
all right!' probably betters it.

- It was really funny in your voice.
- Yeah, the way you said it
was really good.

- ENTHUSIASTICALLY: Well, all right!
(LAUGHTER)

- It's a great way to sort of
change subject or something.

Like, you know, if you're
visiting relatives and...
- LAUGHS: Oh my God.

- ...someone says something
casually racist, leave a big pause
and then go, 'Well, all right!'

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- There have been two great things
that have emerged out of this task.
It's the 'Well, all right!'...

- (CACKLES)
- ... and Chris'...
- Excuse your fuckin' mouth!

- Which would also work well
with the racism angle too.
- Yeah, absolutely.

- PAUL EGO: Oh my God. Oh!

- I think someone's had
too many Sugar Boogas.
(LAUGHTER)

- I wanna give everyone maximum
points, but I don't think that's
kinda fair,

and I've been doing
too much of that probably.

So, I'm not a big fan of eating
boogers, so I'll give one to Justine.

- What?!
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- Oop.
- Well, all right!
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- I'll go two points for Chris.
Three points for Josh and the
'Well, all right!'

And I'll go four points ― yours
actually looked quite nice, Paul.
- Thank you.

- And five points for Kura,
cos who doesn't want 20 bucks
in their cereal?

- Thank you!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- What is our overall
scoreboard doing, Paul?

- In first equal, both on 11,
it's Josh and Paul.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- OK, Paul, dip your
little spoon into the bowl of
tasks and slurp off the milk

and present me another one, please.

- Here's
a task that hopefully none of our
contestants have ever done before.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

- Oh!

- That's a bit CSI cadaver.

- Where's Paul?

- Paul?

- P Willy, is this you?

- Is this who I think it is?

- READS: 'Hide this body.'

- 'The body that stays hidden
the longest wins.'

- 'Detective Paul will
start searching in 15 minutes.'

- 'Time starts now.'

- Aw.

- I feel like this might be
my old mate Lucy.

- Consuela.

Yes, my friend.

- Aw. Gorothia. (LAUGHS)

- Oh no. Is this Tony?

Aw.

WHISPERS: Not what you deserved.

(LAUGHTER)

- WHISPERS: I think
I might put her in the roof.

Or in the shed ―
that's really obvious.

- Let's go.

- Why are you all wet?

- Now, before we go too far with this
task, I did notice something unusual
with you in that one, Chris.

You were, um, quite wet.
- Yeah, pretty wet
for this challenge.

- Was there any reason
for that, Paul?
- Yes.

So, basically, there was
a hidden task in the house.

- (GASPS)
- Anyone could've found it.

It took several weeks,
but eventually, Chris found it while
he was shooting his superheromovie.

Here's a video of him finding it
dressed as the goose.
- What?

- I need, like, a...

I'll use this.
I don't know whose this is.

(LAUGHTER)

I found a task.

READS: 'Do one of your
tasks completely wet.

'If you complete the task wet,
you win.

'Your time starts when
you show up to your task...'

Not yet, but I'm gonna do this.

(APPLAUSE)

- I saw that task under that duck.

- OK, so just reiterate
what's happened there, Paul.

- The task was very simple ―
perform a task wet, completely wet.

- And did you perform
the task completely wet, Chris?
- I was sodden.

- So, then Chris gets
an extra five points.
- Ka-ching!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Simple.

- And that's what happens when
you go through people's drawers.
(LAUGHTER)

- It's the reality TV show
TVNZ has always wanted to make ―
Hide Your Best Friend's Body.

Whose corpse disposal
do we get to see first, Paul?

- Their besties will be remembered
for their infectious personalities,
hatred of parkour

and love of heroin.
Here's Justine disposing of Lucy
and Paul disposing of Consuela.

(LAUGHTER)

- If he comes round this side, he'll
see it. Where wouldn't someone look
for a body?

- (GASPS)

- Hello.
- LAUGHS: I got such a fright.

- That looks pretty thick
over there.

(GRUNTS)

(SIGHS)

- Hey, what are you doing?
- I'm just... I'm just...
just looking for things.

Stay in there, Paul.
- OK.

- Drag it deeper into the forest.

It's a lot of work getting rid
of a body. I don't know what...

- There are things in here if you―
- No, I've got things out here,
thank you.

(THUD!)
- What? What was that?

(LAUGHTER)

- Go back into the house
to act natural.

- OK. Think that's hidden.

(JAUNTY, UPBEAT MUSIC)

- Oh!

(LAUGHTER)

- Stop the clock.

9m from where I was.

It's a bold tactic,
but it hasn't come off.

In the first place I looked.

(APPLAUSE)

- How long did it
take you to find that?

- So, I found Justine's
best friend in 52 seconds.

- I was so smug about that.
(LAUGHTER)

I was like,
yeah, he's never finding that.

- It was metres away
from where he was.

- I consistently checked under
the caravan first for all of them,
except for Paul,

who I checked behind the shed,
because I could hear him hiding
the body there.

(LAUGHTER)

So, I found Paul's best friend
in 44 seconds.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- I didn't know
you were in the shed.
- No.

- I was literally behind the shed
going, 'I'm going to hide it here
in the forest...'

(LAUGHTER)
'...behind the shed.'

And Paul's going,
'Right, well, I'll write that down.'

- Right, we're gonna
take a short ad break

over which Paul Williams will be
emitting and sustaining a noise
with his mouth.

We'll see you after the break.

- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...

- Thank you, Paul.
- ...hhhhhh.

- Welcome back to Taskmaster and our
mystery murder and mother episode.

What criminal acts are we
in the midst of now, Paul?

- Our comedians have
been asked to hide the best friends
that they made in episode eight.

Whoever's best friend can stay
hidden for the longest wins.

- Which deranged cadaver-disposer
do we get to see next?

- Their friends will be remembered
for their laid-back attitudes,

love of the high sea and lack of
clothing. It's Kura with Gorothia
and Josh with Tony.

(SOFT, ELEGANT PIANO MUSIC)

Have you seen a body?

That way?
(GEESE HONK)

(LAUGHTER)

- Pretty close.
-I'mpretty close?

- You're hot...

physically.

(LAUGHTER)

- Lukewarm.

- I don't think it's up there.

- It's quite nice, this ― finally
not being the one in the dark.

- Did you leave the property?

- All the information...

- ...you need are in the task.

Oh, it feels so good to say that.

- Yas!

Oh, I wouldn't―
I wouldn't look in there.

- Why?
- You might be upset.

- I heard someone
running on gravel,...

(SPADE SCRAPES)

...so that's why I'm
searching the gravel.

I am upset, cos it wasn't in there.

There's something on the deck.

(LAUGHTER)

I want you to know that
I'll never stop looking.
- OK.

- But I am gonna have a break.

- (LAUGHS)

I'm enjoying this.

(LAUGHTER)

- Hello.

It's Paul Williams here.

It's Monday the 4th of April
at 2.35pm

in the year 2022.

I was just about to leave for the
day when I decided to do one last
check of the woods.

And I found something.

(LAUGHTER)

Recognise that face anywhere.

It's Tony.

Stop the clock.

When we're not filming tasks, I've
continued my hunt to find bodies.
And I think I've just found one.

It's Gorothia.

(LAUGHTER)

She deserved a burial at sea.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- I loved the subterfuge.
I loved the scraping with the gravel.

- Yeah, I lost my mind. I found you
in the shed, so I was trying to do
these distraction things.

I also buried the sack somewhere
else in the forest. Did you find
that?

- I did, and I got very excited.
(LAUGHTER)

I... I saw a bit of it, and I
went and got a camera person and
was like, 'Come. I've found one.'

And they were like, 'OK.'

Just a sack.
- Oh, far out.
- Yeah, Josh.

- So I began searching for Josh's
best friend at 5.57 on a Thursday.

And the remains were found
the following Monday at 2.35.

A total of three days,
20 hours and 21 minutes.

- Oh my gosh.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- And I obviously had to film that
myself, because it was actually the
last day of tasks at the house,

and the camera guys had left, and
I was like, 'I'm stickin' around.'
(LAUGHTER)

- And what about Kura?
- Kura hid Gorothia at
4.34 on a Sunday.

I found Gorothia on a Wednesday
morning two weeks later.

- Oh, great!
- Yes, for a total time of nine
days, 16 hours and eight minutes.

- Great.
- Yes.

- Shot, Ku.
- Amazing.

- Well, there's one more
'ami-cider' amongst us, a Cain
to their Abel. Who is it, Paul?

- Disposing of his beloved Sacky,
it's Chris Parker.

- It's... (GASPS)

It's Sacky!

WHISPERS: Who's got a car?
Let's get this body out of here.

Come on! Come on!
Do you have the keys?

Let's go, brother.

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- Body.

If I was a body, where would I be?

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- So, have you found it yet?
- I haven't. I was certain he
put that body in the lake.

I don't know why.

- Well, Paul kept calling me
on the drive home being like,
'Where is it?'

And I kept telling him,
'Check the lake.'
(LAUGHTER)

Paul quite inappropriately text my
younger sister who was working on
set and started harassing her.

So I think we've got
a message of that up here.

(LAUGHTER)

'Do you have any bodies lying around
the house?' Kind of weird.

So then I thought I'd have a bit
more fun, and I managed to break
into Paul's personal bedroom

and hide some clues in his wardrobe.

Sacky's tag there.

Paul, have you found Sacky yet?

- I have not.
(LAUGHTER)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- PAUL EGO: Oh my God.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All the information
you need is on the task.
- KURA: Yeah!

- It's Sacky.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- What a baffling mystery!
- (LAUGHS) Look at it!

- I guess Sacky's appeared now,
so how does that mean we're gonna
score this?

- Well, I'll stop the clock
for Chris to begin with.
(LAUGHTER)

Chris' body was hidden for a total
of 72 days and six minutes.

- Wow.
- Which means one point for Paul,
two for Justine,

three for Josh, four for Kura,
and five points for Chris Parker.
- There you go. Well done, everyone.

Let's jump off this
roller coaster of emotion and go sit
on the log flume ride of ad breaks

to gather ourselves, wet our faces
and come back for our second-to-last
live task of the season.

We'll see you in a moment.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where we're in mourning for the
loss of five very good best friends

as well as giddily awaiting another
task. But first, what's our episode
score looking like, Paul?

- Out in first place with 17 points,
it's Chris Parker.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- All right, you homicidal maniacs.

Take your filthy mitts and mugs up
on to the stage for our final live
task of the night.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I see velvet curtains.
I see pillows. I see comedians.

What's going on here, Paul,
and who is gonna read the task?

- Reading the task, could we please
have the soothing voice of Justine
Smith?

- READS: 'Defeat the other team
at human war boats.'

Oh Jesus.
(LAUGHTER)

'Remaining in your
field at all times, project your
ballistic cushion over the wall

'to hit the members of the other
team. The other team must lay flat
and still in their field.

'When hit, the player must yell,
"You've sunk me," and vacate the
field.

'The team that clears the opponents'
field in the fewest shots wins. Your
time starts on Paul'swhistle.'

- We need another person, obviously,
for Chris and Paul's team.

- Luckily we have recently
acquired an extra person.
(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)

- Is everyone ready?
- Think so.
- KURA: Yeah.

- OK. And obviously no peeking
from Paul and Chris.

(INAUDIBLE WHISPERING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(LAUGHTER)

- Team of two, are you ready?
- CHRIS: Yup.
(WHISTLE TRILLS)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- Miss.

Miss.

Hit.

- You've sunk me.

- Kura Forrester has been sunk.

Miss.

Miss.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!

(LAUGHTER)

- Miss.

Miss.

- (MOUTHS)

(LAUGHTER)
- (MOUTHS)

- Waste our throws!

- Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

- Miss.
(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Miss.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
- (LAUGHS)

- Miss.

Miss.

- Oh Jesus!
- Jesus!
- (LAUGHS)

- But listen to the crowd ―
we're so close!
(LAUGHTER)

- Are you fucking with us?
- Are you fucking with us?
(LAUGHTER)

- Oh...
(LAUGHTER)

- They've probably all gone home.
(LAUGHTER)

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!

- Miss.
- Don't listen.

(LAUGHTER)

- Miss, miss, miss,
miss, miss, miss.
- Oh!

(APPLAUSE)

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Miss.

Miss.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Hit.
- You've sunk me.

- There is one boat remaining ―

the HMS Josh.

Miss.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
Hit.

- You've sunk me!

- What are we gonna do?

(LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHTER)

- On my whistle, team of three.

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

Miss.

(LAUGHTER)

I'm counting that as a miss.
- JUSTINE: Fair enough.

- Miss.

(LAUGHTER)
Miss.

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Miss.

Miss.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- Yes, Juzzie!

- Hit.

- You sunk my battleship.
(LAUGHTER)

- (LAUGHS)

- Miss.

Miss.

Miss.

Miss.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

Miss.
- KURA: Actual?

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- Miss.

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Hit.

- I hit Sacky?

- POOR BRITISH ACCENT:
You've sunk me.
- Yes!

- He's kind of Cockney.
(LAUGHTER)

(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)
Miss.

- Ow.
(LAUGHTER)

- Very much hit.
- Yes! Whoo-hoo!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- You have sunketh me.
- (LAUGHS)

- All right. Hop out of that
battlefield and come on down
to the war crimes trial.

- KURA: That was fun.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Well― Well, played.

So, what were the scores there?
Who took it out?

- The team of two took 23 attempts.

And the team of three
took 16 attempts.
- Oh, well done.

- I think the winning team should get
three points each, and I think the
losing team should get two points.

I think that's fair.
- CHRIS: Fair enough. Love it.

- So, where does that leave
our scoreboard, Paul?

- He can't be stopped. He's won
five of the last six episodes.
It's Chris Parker.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- How do I...?

- Congratulations to Chris.

Go and take Sacky
and some of Justine's dirt and for
goodness' sake just bloody bury it.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

And that's our show. It's been a show
with stench ― the stench of the death
of five best friends;

the stench of burnt, boogered cereal;
and the stench that's been in the
studio for nine weeks now,

which can only be described as a mix
of Josh Thomson and Poo Lake juice.
(LAUGHTER)

But tonight's overwhelming stench
tells us that our winner of episode
nine, season three of Taskmaster

is Chris Parker.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next week for the
final. Po marie. Goodnight.

- (MOUTHS)

(MOUTHS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- (JUSTINE LAUGHS)

- Welcome to the final episode
of Taskmaster.

(AIR HORN BLASTS)
- Fuck!

- Aargh!

- Oh my God!

- Who will win this season and have
their Wikipedia entry made just that
little bit more impressive?

- CHRIS: Are you not entertained?!

- Yeah, I was entertained.