All language subtitles for Taskmaster.NZ.S03E06.Sweet.Navel.Orange.enh

(WHEEL CLICKS)

(GRUNTS)

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

(TYPES)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

My name is Paul Williams.

(GRUNTS)

(TYPES)

Ooh!

(STRAINS)

(GRUNTS)

(THUD!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

Kia ora koutou.
Welcome to Taskmaster ―

the show that tests just how stretchy
comedians' brains can get. (LAUGHTER)

Those comedians are
Chris Parker, (APPLAUSE)

Josh Thomson, (APPLAUSE)

Justine Smith, (APPLAUSE)

Kura Forester (APPLAUSE)

and Paulie Ego. (APPLAUSE)

They have been doing my bidding on a homestead
up north, but they haven't been alone.

My assistant ― and sometimes
facial hairdresser ― has been there,

making sure they complete the
tasks to the best of their abilities.

Please welcome said assistant
and scissor man Paul Williams.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
- (MOUTHS)

It's great to be here, Jeremy. And
while I do appreciate our studio audience,

I would like to take a moment to say hello
to everybody who is watching this on TV.

Zoom in, if possible.

Zoom in on me, please.

You don't― No, no, no.
It doesn't work like that.

You administer the tasks.

You don't direct the TV show.

You don't get a zoom in. It doesn't work like that.
- OK. Sorry.

- No more of that.
- OK. (LAUGHTER)

Let's start with a
prize task, please.

Tonight we're looking for the best
thing to have on a desert island.

Let's start with you, Justine.
What did you bring in?

Well, Taskmaster, I thought
if I'm on a des― desert island.

Sorry, I was gonna say, 'dessert
island,' cos yum. (LAUGHTER)

What I would really need and would
make me really happy is a tiki bar.

It makes a desert island Yas
Island. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- Wow.
- Yeah.

And what you can't see there is it
is fully stacked with vodka and soda.

And I'm gonna have a splash
of that juice just to be healthy.

Is there an ice maker?

If you were stranded on an
island, I put to you, Jeremy,

that you wouldn't really
give a shit about the ice.

Like, sure, no one
likes a warm drink,

but I think we can all agree that a warm drink,
better than no drink. (LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Totes.
- That's her motto.

I've heard her say that
before. She keeps saying it.

Yeah, so, I've got that tattooed
on my back. (LAUGHTER)

Paul, what did you bring in?

Well, I'm a guy who is always thinking
about where my next meal is coming from.

So if I was stuck on a desert island, I'd wanna
be making the most of the food that was available.

So I thought a great thing would
be to take this... (APPLAUSE)

A classic.

You know, a New Zealand icon ― the classic
Edmonds Cookbook, but the Coconut Edition.

- (CHUCKLES)
- So, it's got all the best coconut recipes.

Like, you've got
coconut muffins.

A couple of muffins there.

You can make some, obviously,
coconut pizza there. (LAUGHTER)

And then we finish it off with
the classic coconut foo yong.

(LAUGHTER)

Josh, what did you bring in?

Well, I was less interested in
having a good time on the island.

I was more interested
in staying alive.

The human body can survive for three weeks
without food, but only three days without water.

So I would like to present to
you a solar desalination still.

PARKER: Wow.

I've honestly seen one of those before, and
I didn't realise that's what it was for.

(LAUGHTER)

It looks like a couple of bottles glued
together with about a hose coming up the middle,

and that is exactly what it is.

And what happens is down the bottom, the dirty water,
it evaporates in the sun, goes up to thetop one ―

you can see it
condensing on the side ―

and it slides down, and it
actually fills up the top water bottle.

And it really does work. It's a fun thing that you
can build with your kids, sticking them.together

And afterwards, once the kids have gone to
bed, this also doubles as a... (INHALES).

Am I right?

Yeah, you can put bong water in there,
and it will still make it come out the top.

It does. It really works.
I've done it with tap water.

I've also done it with some
dirty water I got from a gutter.

And I've also done it with other
stuff. (AUDIENCE GROANS)

Oh my...

- What's that?
- Uh, just some other stuff.

Once you get a taste for it...

(LAUGHTER)

- (EGO CHUCKLES)
- Is that piss water?

- Not any more. (LAUGHTER)
- Ooh.

- Kura...
- I also am keen on survival.

But like Tom Hanks, I also know
that to survive, it's all up here, right.

I mean, you've gotta
have a pal, so I made a pal.

(LAUGHTER)

Wow.

Some might call him 'Wilson'.

This is...

Wilson. (CHUCKLES) (LAUGHTER)

Spoiler alert ― we know
what happened to Wilson.

Yeah. (SOBS)

(LAUGHTER) Sorry.

Oh, I haven't seen it.

Oh, he went on to make some of
the greatest tennis rackets in the world.

(LAUGHTER)

Chris, what did you bring in?

Well, it's all well and good making yourself
drinks or hanging out with that broken volleyball,

but I present to you (CLEARS
THROAT) a boat. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

And I'm getting the
fuck off that island.

So you decided to get off that
island using oars, not a sail.

There are so many boats available,
Chris. (SNICKERS) (LAUGHTER)

CHUCKLING: I spent all my
money on that holiday to Rotorua.

I think, Kura, you get one point, because you could've
taken anyone. You decided to take an old ball.

And also, you spoiled― All these people,
most of them haven't seen Castaway.

For Castaway, it's all over for them.
- I'll take it, yeah.

You're right. It's quite a
new film (!) (LAUGHTER)

Josh, two points for you. Don't
wanna drink your own urine.

You don't have to drink
mine; you can drink yours.

- I don't wanna drink mine either.
- You can drink Paul's. - I don't wanna drink his.

Paul's urine's very
sweet. (LAUGHTER)

I don't even put it through
the filter. I just go straight.

Yeah, it tastes like sweet
navel orange. (LAUGHTER)

I imagine that he's more of a lemon
and barley sort of a man. (LAUGHTER)

CHUCKLING: Lemon and barley!

Shall we continue
scoring it? (LAUGHTER)

- No. What other flavours? Creaming soda, I reckon.
- Yeah.

Three points for Paul.

Four points for Chris, because that dinghy's gonna be useless eventually.
- Yeah, that's fair.

- And five points for Juzza.
- Thank you.

Cos who doesn't want a tiki
Bar? (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Wade out into the lagoon of tasks, please,
Paul, and fish me up another one, please.

If you're crossing your fingers
for a great task, it's your lucky day.

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

Dramatic.

Ooh. Hi, buddy.

Hello, P Willy. Great
to see you again.

Cute.

Oh, thank you.

OK. I'm gonna focus on this one.

This looks really hard.

READS: Complete the fortune
trail, then flip five consecutive heads.

READS: Fastest wins.
Your time starts now!

- Are you feeling lucky, punk?
- (CHUCKLES)

That was a great impression.

Thank you.

(APPLAUSE)

Right. So, if I'm a stats
man, and I am a stats man,

I know that flipping five of the
same coin tosses in a row is not easy.

It's not, no.

Do you wanna see how they went?
- I'd love to know.

Up first, there are four of them,
like the leaves on a lucky clover

or the fingers on the hand of an
unlucky carpenter. (LAUGHTER)

It's Justine, Kura,
Chris and Paul.

READS: Either walk under this ladder
or put the ladder away in the shed.

Where's the ladder?
What ladder? Oh.

- Definitely walking under it.
- That's bad luck.

Oh, mate. I don't believe
in that superstitious crap.

What happens if I
get stuck halfway?

READS: Either let the black cat cross your
path or carry the cat for the rest of the task.

Oh my God. That's so cute.

I'll carry it.

This has really
cheered me up, Paul.

I'm gonna let it cross my path.

READS: Either find the
lucky penny or find exactly $13.

- How will I know what the lucky penny looks like?
- It looks like a penny.

I don't really know what a penny
looks like, even though I'm quite old.

One penny.

- Yeah.
- Whoo!

That's 13.

READS: Either spill the salt or throw the salt
container over your shoulder into the bin.

Spill it?

- It's bad luck.
- (SALT PATTERS)

I don't care.

Damn. That was close.

Superstition can eat my arse.

READS: Either open umbrella inside the caravan
or close the 13 umbrellas in the study. (SCOFFS)

I'm not going to the study.

It's open inside.

READS: Final. Flip
five heads in a row.

In a row.

- Fuck.
- You're an arsehole. Anyone ever told you that?

- One...
- What was the alternative?

- There's no alternative.
- (SIGHS) - No.

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

- One.
- One.

- Two.
- Two. Three.

Tails. What would you
say to Lady Luck right now?

Fuck ya, bitch.

Oh, it fell off. Doesn't
count. Still on four.

Five.

Five!

- Five.
- Yes!

Wahoo.

(COIN THUDS) Ow. Shit.

- Are you worried about the bad luck?
- Nah. Superstition's for cucks.

Paul, I was watching you there, and you didn't
seem to worry about anything other than the salt.

Any reason for that?
- Yeah.

You know, it's becoming fairly
evident that I always choose

the easiest and the most logical thing to do.
- Is it?

So as a 6'5" man, I should definitely go
under a ladder rather than walk around it.

And then I should definitely try and throw a
thing of salt behind my head exactly into a bin

rather than just pouring some
on to the ground. (LAUGHTER)

And then when given the
option of having 400 coins,

rather than find an obvious penny,
I should try and count exactly $13.

- About that...
- Mm.

He counted $6.45.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, so he did complete the
course and flip the five heads in 5.10.

- Oh, that was quick.
- But he did skimp on the $13.

So close to 6.50, which is
half of $13. (LAUGHTER)

- I think you should drop down one place.
- OK.

- How did everyone else go?
- Justine ― 8.51. - Mm-hm.

- Kura ― 14.27.
- (CHUCKLES) - (CHUCKLES) Whoa.

- Oh, and Chris, in a speedy 4.5 minutes.
- Wow.

(APPLAUSE) - That's good, man.
- Chrissy Boo.

Only took him 27 flips
to get the five heads.

- Wow.
- Wow.

Which actually isn't even
the fastest. Paul did it in 12.

- Wow.
- What?!

Justine ― 39.

- (LAUGHS)
- Not too fair off the pace.

And Kura ― 86. (LAUGHTER)

Well, we've seen four coin-flippers finish the
task, which means there is only one more to go.

But as luck would have it, we've got a series of
ads to watch first. We'll see you back afterthis.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where are a couple of
Pump bottles and Josh Thomson's purse is onthe line.

- (LAUGHS)
- What is happening, Paul?

Our contestants have been tasked
with completing a trail of superstitions

before flipping five
heads in a row on a coin.

Fastest wins.

And with four down, there's
only one person left, isn't there?

This guy knows about luck; he's
married to the luckiest woman in the world.

- ALL: Aw.
- It's Josh Thomson.

Love you, Liz.

There's a little string here.

I'm not superstitious.
What could go wrong?

Car crash on the way home.

Jesus Christ.

Basically, it's are you lazy or
do you wanna do a lot of walking?

I could've told
you from the start.

Standard flipping, please, into the
hand, and no cheating. Just flipping.

The hell are you talking about?

That's one?
- Yes.

Two. Three.

- No.
- Piss! (SIGHS)

I believed. I believed.

Four.

Tails.
- (SPLUTTERS)

Tails.

- Three.
- Three.

BOTH: Four.

Piss! Piss! Kiss my ass!

It's tails.

- Thank you.
- Tails.

Tails.

Tails. Tails. You want
five heads in a row.

- Ooh. Thank you (!)
- OK.

BOTH: Four.

Tails.

Aargh!

(CHUCKLES) Sorry.

I've lost the use of my thumb.

Four.

(YELLS)

(GRUNTS, HUFFS)

I think I've just gotta chill
out. I'm just a chilled out guy.

- Tails.
- Hm.

This what you wanna do? You
wanna do this until the end of the day?

- Tails.
- Piss!

- Tails.
- Ooh.

- Tails.
- If you give me five tails, man, I'll put this in my bum.

- Heads.
- (SCOFFS) It's a big coin.

Four.

(ETHEREAL MUSIC)

Five.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

I wasn't ready for it. I
wasn't ready for it. Shh.

Press the thing. - I've stopped the clock.
- I don't know how to feel.

I don't know how to feel.

I might have done a
little mistake in my pants.

I guess it was just
bad luck. (GIGGLES)

(MUTTERS)

I don't ever remember
doing this. I can go now, right?

Yeah. You've done it.

Thank you, Josh.
- Thank you, Paul.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE) - Beautiful.
- Oh. Goodness me.

PARKER: So amazing.

- That was a truly spiritual experience.
- Mm. It really was.

- I bet you're a changed man.
- I felt like I was there for quite a―

I'm not usually that quick to, sort of,
breaking tables, but... (LAUGHTER)

He was very quick through the
course. Struggled with the flipping part.

20.10. (AUDIENCE GASPS)

- 145 flips.
- (GASPS)

No.

Also worth noting that if anyone
had put the ladder away in the shed

or closed the umbrellas in the study, they would have found this.
- (GASPS)

A lucky, two-sided coin, with
heads on both sides. (LAUGHTER)

Lucky none of us did it.

Aargh! (LAUGHTER)

- Let it out. Let it out. Let it out. Let it out. Let it out.
- Aah!

- Let it out.
- Come on, mate.

- He's been letting it out all series.
- (GUFFAWS)

- That would be one point for Josh.
- Yup.

- Two for Kura.
- Yeah.

Three for Paul, four for Justine, and five
points for Chris Parker. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Well, after that transcendent
coin-flipping experience,

I can't imagine what other
heights we can achieve.

What's our next task, Paul?

Task snobs may turn up their nose
at this one, but it'll get bums on seats.

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

Hello, Chris.
- Hello, Paul.

Ye olde telephone box.

Wow. This is very Doctor Who.

- Doctor who?
- Yeah, Doctor Who.

- Which doctor, though?
- What? - Which doctor?

- Not a witch doctor.
- No.

What doctor?
- (SIGHS) I can see what you're doing, Paul,

and I simply cannot be
bothered engaging. Um...

(LAUGHTER)

READS: Transform into an
original superhero and save Paul.

READS: Best new
superhero wins. (CHUCKLES)

READS: You have one
hour. Your time starts now. OK.

- What's wrong?
- Ooh.

I like the ones where I don't have to use any energy.
- You don't have to use energy?

No.

I've gotta bring the noise.

Maybe, like, a superhero that
teaches you how not to be annoying.

It's, like, a manners superhero.
- OK.

I save you from
being a dickhead.

What's, like, an animal
that we can base it on?

You know, it could be
part of his back story.

Dove Man? Pigeon?
Goose? The geese?

- You could be in trouble, and I could save you from something.
- Mm.

I could be, like, enjoying some snacks.
- Yeah, it's not very perilous.

Unless you've got, like, an
allergy, and I stop you eating nuts.

Allergy Man.

Intolerance Guy.

I'm thinking a New
Zealand theme.

White. Good. The dairy industry
― backbone of the country.

Did I put too much― I put
too much on my eye, eh, Paul?

(COUGHS)

(COUGHS) It's in my eyes.

You know, I've gotta overcome a fear, or something,
or something that a goose would be afraid of.

What a geese afraid of?
- Do you want me to look that up? - Yeah.

READS: Grape Kool-Aid
keeps geese away.

Like Ribena.

(CHUCKLES) OK. It's...

It's on the tight side.

Is that all the way up, that zip, or is
there still a little bit of my back showing?

- And how are your eyes?
- One of them is a lot better than the other.

- OK.
- Yeah, I've kind of lost depth of perception.

Right. Not many people talk about that as one
of the other negative side effects of blackface.

Yeah, oh.

It's not blackface;
it's just black eyes.

Cos I― Superman had
it. Ba― Blatman. Bla―

Sorry. Batman had black rings
around his eyes. It's not blackface.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Some reasonably dubious
costume choices there.

I don't know if I'm more
offended by Paul's back...

or your blackface.
- (CHUCKLES) Oh, goddammit.

Christ, if you think my back was bad, you
should've seen my neck, my pussy and my crack.

(LAUGHTER)

Couldn't put that in.

Actually, Paul, I think in that outfit,
we did see all of that, to be fair.

(LAUGHTER) - Some really revealing camera work.
- Yeah, yeah.

What an honour to be able to see
Josh and Paul's penises in this episode.

OK, Paul, whose heroics
do we get to see first?

It's Peter Parker's less
talented brother Chris Parker.

GRUMBLY: Life as a superhero
can be a bit of a wild goose chase.

Sometimes you just feel
like you're playing a game.

Sometimes you're a duck.

Sometimes...

you're the goose.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Paul was the only
man I ever loved.

I formed a bond to
him as a little gosling.

And he made love to me.

And I made love to him.

Paul!

I swore I was never gonna
be a superhero again.

That is, until the Taskmaster
messed with my Paul.

The Taskmaster.

(SCARE CHORD)

The poo lakes!

Paul!

Paul!

Not the poo lake.

(GASPS) Ribena
― my mortal enemy.

(RIBENA SPLASHES) (GRUNTS)

How will I save you?

My goose lasso.

Take a hold of my goose lasso.

Have you got it, Paul?
- Yeah.

Hold on tight, Paul.
This is gonna hurt.

(GRUNTS)

(HONKS)

Take my hand.

(GRUNTS) Paul, don't die.

Don't die in the poo lake.

I've got you, Paul.

Curse you, Taskmaster!

OK.

Let's go back to my goose nest.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE) - Brilliant.
- So good.

So, let me get this straight.

I had pushed Paul into the poo
lake, on a paddleboard. (LAUGHTER)

Why was he in the poo lake?

Oh, look, this is the thing with these modern
superhero movies. The story doesn't reallymatter.

It's more about that
edgy vibe. (LAUGHTER)

And that had lots of
edgy vibe. (LAUGHTER)

Well, much like your local cinema,
we've even more superhero films to show.

So who's saving you next, Paul?
- His middle name is Alter. It's Paul Ego.

(LAUGHTER)

Help me.

I'm calcium-deficient.

I have very weak bones.

It is I Milk Man ― New Zealand's foremost
agricultural super hero ― and I hear a cry forhelp.

(MILK SPLASHES) I shall pursue.

Forgot my trusty sidekick
Moovin. Like Marvin, but with 'moo'.

(SURFER ROCK MUSIC)

I am Milk Man. I've come to save
you, calcium-deficient weakling.

Here.

Hop aboard my trusty steed
Moovin and we shall ride to safety.

And we're off.

We don't appear to be moving.

- We could just walk.
- We could walk. Let's walk.

I guess we milked that exit.

(CHUCKLES) - Is that an expression?
- Yeah nah.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- Moovin had a few problems.
Your trusty steed― - Yeah, yeah.

...wasn't so trusting
there at the end.

He wasn't moo-ving very well. No, no, no. I
probably should've given him some milk as well.

I don't even know
if cows like milk.

Like, if a cow drank some milk, would
they just go, 'Is that Dave?' (LAUGHTER)

It's like Josh drinking his
own piss. (LAUGHTER)

Superhero stories are only made
better by keeping people in peril,

so we're gonna leave you clinging to the rooftop
for a commercial break. We'll see you in a moment.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Task Master
― lovely to have your company ―

where we've been hanging out in Justine's tiki bar
and having a couple of room temperature mojitos

and some of Paul's coconut
foo yong. (LAUGHTER)

What else are we doing, Paul?

Currently, the task is to create a brand
new superhero and save me from danger.

Who's transforming in
front of our eyes now, Paul?

It's Josh Thomson.

What a beautiful
outdoor breakfast buffet.

I might have some...

Can't remember
what I'm allergic to.

(WHISTLE BLARES)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC SWELLS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(BIRD CHIRPS)

(MUSIC RESUMES)

(GRUNTS, CHUCKLES)

(MUSIC FADES)

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

(MUSIC RESUMES)

Nuts.

What?

Nuts and most legumes.

You'll get anaphylactic shock.

Oh. Thank you, Intolerance Man.

Yeah.

(GRUNTS)

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- OK. Let's unpack that.
- Mm-hm. (LAUGHTER)

So, you live in a pile of
leaves. (STIFLES CHUCKLE)

- Yeah.
- Why do you not live in your car? (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, I mean...

(PARKER LAUGHS)

I don't like to question the
motives of Intolerance Man.

He might've been looking
for funguses or fungi

to figure out what other people
might be allergic to on the forest floor.

Or he may not have thought
it through. (LAUGHTER)

- Let's get to another saving, eh, Paul.
- It's a bird. It's a plane.

I should stop getting distracted by what's up there,
because our next contestant, she's justover there.

It's Kura Forrester.
- (SQUEALS) (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

SOUTHERN U.S. ACCENT: Hi
there. My name's Dr DickSaver.

Today, I'm offering you a special
deal for nine easy payments for $48.50.

I'm gonna save you from being a
dickhead and doing dickheadish things,

such as eating too loudly,...

(SLURPS)

He's saved.

...litterin',...

Excuse me, sir. Is that your litter?
- Yes.

Try again.

Saved.

...being a know-it-all,...

I've read all of these books.

Fuck off.

...and whinging.

I'm very tired,
and I feel very sick.

Shut up.

Call this number now
and you'll be saved.

Thanks, Dr Dickhead.

Sorry.

Thank you, Dr DickSaver.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

So stupid. (CHUCKLES)

So, Kura saved―

Sorry. Dr...

- DickSaver.
- ...DickSaver, saved you from...

- Eating loudly.
- Yeah.

- Littering.
- Littering. - Yeah.

Being a geek. Reading
too many books.

Whingeing about
feeling sick. (LAUGHTER)

SOUTHERN U.S. ACCENT: God.
Can't stand that shit. (LAUGHTER)

OK, Paul. Let's get
stuck into our final hero.

She's not Wonder Woman,

but she does often wonder why women don't get paid as much as men.
- SMITH: Yes, I do.

- It's Justine Smith.
- Yes, I do. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

It was a calm day on the seas when Paul Williams
and his ship set out to look for new adventures.

Suddenly, things got rough.

The sea got churny.

There was hail. It was
a terrible, terrible storm.

The storm was mighty, and Paul
was frightened, but he didn't say no.

He just carried on through the
storm, hoping there'd be shelter.

But all was not lost
for Captain Paul,

for here, shining the bright
beacon of safety, was Reef Juzzy.

Reef Juzzy had saved many a man

with her bright,
burning torch of...

safety.

Paul, it's me. (BLOWS)

Reef Juzzy.

You're safe. I have saved you.

Come, Paul. Come with
me and let me you save.

WHISPERS: Come on.
Come on, mate. OK. OK.

Oh. Watch your balls.

Here we are, Paul. You and I
safe forever on a desert island.

Feel safe, Paul?
- Um, yeah. I was cramping quite badly.

- Oh, I saved you from that.
- OK. - And from the storm.

(APPLAUSE)

We need to clarify something.

You almost performed the role
of a lighthouse. (LAUGHTER)

Yes, that is what I was going for. But
you know, Paul, he was in a rough space.

He was getting
water chucked on him.

And then I gave him a little cuddle. That's
always a nice, little addition to being saved.

He was so into it too. He went
rigid with love. (LAUGHTER)

Had a lighthouse of
his own. (LAUGHTER)

This is quite a difficult one to judge because
I think there are two different components

to this particular task.

There's the original superhero part, and
then, I think, there's the Saving Paul part.

So I'll give out points for
your original superheroes,

and then I'll give points
for who saved Paul.

I thought Reef Juzzy was probably one point for that superhero.
- AUDIENCE: Aw.

- The milk man was two points.
- OK.

Cos I don't think Fonterra need a lot of help
promoting themselves at this point in time.

They're struggling, man. I'll tell you
what, that almond is going through the roof.

(LAUGHTER)

- Dr DickSaver, three points.
- OK. - Beautiful originality.

Four points for the goose.
- GRUMBLY VOICE: Thank you.

- And I thought five points for Intolerance Man.
- FORRESTER: Yeah, fabulous.

(APPLAUSE)

But then we have
the saving part of it.

In terms of what Intolerance Man did, I
thought an allergy is not such a bad thing.

So one point for your saving.
- Oh. Allergies are no joke, mate. (LAUGHTER)

Two points for the goose, because I
think, you know, what was Paul doing?

He was gonna get some faecal matter on him.
- Yeah.

Which is not too bad.

Three points for stopping Paul from being a dickhead.
- OK.

Was unsuccessful. (LAUGHTER)

And...

four points for calcium-deficiency,
cos I think that's quite a―

Osteoporosis ― an important issue.
- Sure. OK. Thank you.

And five points, Juzzy, on
the reef for the drowning.

And drowning is a serious thing.
- Very serious.

So, I think if you
add those up,...

everyone gets six.
- Yay. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

- Thanks, Dad.
- Thanks, Dad.

How are the episode
scores going, Paul?

In first equal with 15 points. it's
Chris and Justine. (APPLAUSE)

It's time for a break so I can call up some
Hollywood bigwigs and get Reef Juzzy II green-lit.

We've got even more tasking
ahead. We'll see you shortly.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where these five comedians
are competing to win a boat and an Edmonds Cookbook.

Paul, it's time for a task.

This task was an elaborate way
for me to get some pats on the back.

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

No Paul. How weird.

He's left his
bloody plinth here.

This attractive path has
been soiled by a plinth.

This is like a weird version
of The Bachelor, or something.

READS: Pat Paul on the
back. Paul is on the balcony.

READS: If Paul films you on
his all-the-way zoomed-in camera,

he will yell your name, and you
must return to the mat and start again.

READS: Every eight seconds,
music will play for four seconds.

When the music plays,
Paul must film his feet.

OK. Right. So, move
when the music plays.

READS: Fastest wins.
Your time starts now.

(APPLAUSE)

Who gets to try
and touch you first?

- It's our South Island contingent ― Justine, Josh and Chris.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Justine, I can see you.

I can see you, Chris.
- Damn it.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

- Chris, I can see you behind that tree.
- Damn it.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

Fuck. (CHUCKLES)

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOP, FOOTSTEPS PATTER)

I can see you, Josh.

I see you. Yeah.

I heard something over here.

Back to the mat, please.
- I'll make my way back.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS) (THUD!)

It's a sexy tree.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS, FOOTSTEPS PATTER)

I'm hearing footsteps.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

I have no idea. It sounded
like she was over there.

Where is he?

(CURTAIN HOOKS RATTLE)

Sounded like a curtain.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

(CHUCKLES)

She's close.
Definitely right here.

- Ooh!
- Aah! (CHEERS)

I'm scared. I'm very scared.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)
- PARKER: Yes!

Oh my God.

(PANTS) It was me.

(HUFFS) At one point, I
was behind those two sticks.

- Oh, wow.
- But you were looking out here.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Justine, excellent camouflage
there, hiding behind two stakes,

and then throwing
yourself at the railing.

I stopped behind those two
sticks. I went, 'Oh, here we go.'

And then Paul was just like...

And I couldn't believe my luck, actually.
- Amazing.

- And then up on the balcony. I mean...
- I know. I know.

And I was literally like, 'I'm gonna have
to go all the way back,' and I was so close.

And then stupid, old Paul
wasn't even looking. (LAUGHTER)

Who else do we have to see scrambling across
the lawn towards your awaiting nape, Paul?

It's a pair of sneakers;
it's Kura and Paul.

I can see you, Kura.

Goddammit. (CHUCKLES)

I can see you behind the tree.

I can see you. I can
see you in the trees.

Dammit!

I can still see you.

I can see you,
Paul, behind the tree.

Aargh.

I can see you, Kura.
You're just standing.

I can see you, Paul.

This Rambo shit is overrated.

I can see you, Kura,
behind that tree.

Stop looking!

It's part of the task.

I can see you, Paul.

Ooh.

Back to the mat.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

- I can see you.
- (CHUCKLES)

No!

- Are you OK?
- No.

What's wrong?

I'm tired.

I've gotta return to the mat, so
why don't I just take the mat with me?

It doesn't say the
mate has to stay here.

I can see you, Paul.
You're just standing there.

Yeah, I've just
returned to the mat.

- OK. You've moved the mat.
- Yeah, I'm on the mat.

- Hello.
- Hello. Oh, I'll just return to the mat. Hang on.

OK, thank you.

What the―?

There's a car, but
I can't see Kura.

(ENGINE WHIRRS)

Too glary.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, I can see you.

Yeah. Hang on. I'll
just return to the mat.

- OK. Thank you.
- No worries.

A door has opened very
close to me. I'm very scared.

(ENERGETIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Whoa. OK.
- Gidday, mate.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Fuck, it took me forever.

- That smile says it all.
- Yeah, get that on Candid Camera.

It's all I can get. It's
very, very zoomed in.

- Kura, I think the Marines would be very lucky to have.
- Oh.

- Paul...
- Mm.

How excited were you when
you discovered that little hack?

Oh, I wish I'd discovered it
earlier, you know. (LAUGHTER)

I feel like the last five minutes,
I really nailed it. (SCOFFS)

But I think I may have taken an
hour to get to that point. (LAUGHTER)

Cos I'm really heavy,
and I'm quite big.

And I was wearing a bright red
shirt in a forest. (LAUGHTER)

So, what were the
scores in the end?

- Chris touched me in 13.09.
- What?! - AUDIENCE: Whoa.

Justine ― 9.24.

- Oh my God.
- Juzzy! (APPLAUSE)

So good.

- Josh ― 8.45.
- AUDIENCE: Whoa. - Holy shit.

- Paul touched me in 22.21.
- (CHUCKLES)

And Kura touched me
in 44.01. (LAUGHTER)

- Oh.
- Wow.

So that's one point for
Kura, two points for Paul,

three points for Chris,
four points for Justine,

and five points for Josh.
(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

It's time for our mandatorily scheduled stop
to allow you to go and check out your windows

and make sure there's no creepy
men in white suits steering at you

on a Handycam from the balcony
across the street. (LAUGHTER)

We'll see you after this.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Let's see what the scores are saying
as of right now. Thank you, Paul.

Chris is in second
place, with 18.

With a one-point lead, on 19, it's
Justine Smith. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

I know you're all positively
frothing at the idea of winning,

so let's do a live task
to finish the night off.

Head up to the stage, everyone. (CHEERS,
APPLAUSE) - (FORRESTER CHEERS)

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

That looks like the contents of my pockets
after Rhythm & Vines '07. (LAUGHTER)

Let's read out the task. And who
are you gonna get to do it, Paul?

- Josh Thomson, please.
- ALL: Ooh.

READS: Follow the Taskmaster's
orders. Most accurate wins.

Your time starts
on Paul's whistle.

(WHISTLE BLARES)

READS: Put the duck
in your left hip pocket.

Put the onion in your
right chest pocket.

Hold the pencil
in your right hand.

Put the ping-pong ball
in your left chest pocket.

Put the keys in
your right hip pocket.

Swap the item in your left pocket
with the item in your right hand.

- Which left of pocket?
- Which left of pocket? - AUDIENCE: Ooh.

I've already done it.

READS: Swap over the two
items in your chest pockets.

Return the item in your
right hip pocket to the table.

And hold the item from your
left hip pocket in your left hand.

Put the item from your right
chest pocket in your mouth

and the item from your right hip
pocket into your left hip pocket.

Put the item from your left
chest pocket in your right hand

and swap over the lightest
item with the heaviest item.

Put the item on the table
in your right chest pocket

and the item in your mouth
in your left chest pocket.

And then finally, put the item from
your right hand into your right hip pocket.

- Sorry. What was the last― - READS: And then
take each item from the pockets on your left side

and swap them with the item in the
corresponding pocket on your right side.

The end. (LAUGHTER)

- Are those all your instructions?
- Those are all of my instructions. No more instructionsfrom me.

Why did we have to wear
overalls? (LAUGHTER)

Pockets?

- Oh, pockets.
- Pockets, yeah, pockets. (LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE) I was just gonna
wait for you to get that one yourself.

Whoo!

- OK. Shall we check how they did?
- Yeah.

In your left hand,

you should have...

a pencil. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

In your right hand,
you should have...

nothing.

AUDIENCE: Ooh.
(RUBBER DUCKY THUDS)

- Nice, Josh.
- Well done.

In your left chest
pocket, you should have...

a duck.

(LAUGHTER)
- Oh no.

- I got nothing.
- No one got that one. (LAUGHTER)

Put that back in,
please. Put it away.

In your right chest
pocket, you should have―

Paul, which one of those
was in your right chest pocket?

Both of them. (LAUGHTER)

Well, you were correct
with one of them ― your keys.

Oh, piss!

In your lower left pocket, you
were supposed to have an onion.

- Ooh.
- Bastards. Shit.

So, Josh had an onion
andsome keys. (LAUGHTER)

In your right pocket,...

Chris, with most of
his stuff. (LAUGHTER)

What you should have in your lower
right pocket was a ping-pong ball.

- Yas! - Yeah!
- Yeah, boy. Yeah!

- So― - All day! (LAUGHTER)

Chris, Kura and Paul
all had ping-pong balls.

OK. That's everything.
- (CONTESTANTS EXCLAIM) - Whoo! That was fun.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)
- Come on down and let's score it.

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

Well, that was good fun, wasn't it? Tell
me whose oniony mitts took out that task.

- It was actually a tie.
- Wow.

- So, Chris got three correct.
- Yes.

- Josh got three correct.
- Mm-hm.

- Kura got three correct.
- Oh.

- Paul got three correct.
- Oh, whatever.

- And Justine got two correct.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh. - Aw, Juzzy.

- All right.
- Which does mean she was going into it with a one-point lead.

- Yes.
- It's a Taskmaster New Zealand first.

- (GASPS)
- We're going to a tiebreaker.

21 points each,
Chris and Justine.

- PARKER: Fun!
- (SMITH SQUEALS) (APPLAUSE)

The winner of this
task wins the episode.

For this task, Chris and Justine were asked
to pop the champagne cork as far as possible.

They had two minutes to prepare and
pop their cork. Here's how they went.

Wow.

Well, it doesn't really matter where I
am, does it? It just has to go a long way.

- Wherever you pop from, I'll measure from your feet.
- OK, great.

Think I should get some
kind of elevation. OK.

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CORK POPS)

(CHUCKLES)

(CORK POPS, CHAMPAGNE HISSES)

Keep your feet there. Thank you.

(LAUGHTER)

(APPLAUSE)
- Ooh, that's close.

So, whose cork
went the furthest?

Justine popped her
cork... (LAUGHTER)

A long time ago. (CHUCKLES)
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Justine's cork went 11.18.

OK.

Chris' cork ―

16.89m.
- AUDIENCE: Ooh.

- There we go. (APPLAUSE)
- It's fine. It's fine.

Winning this episode, ladies and gentlemen
― Chris Parker. (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Congratulations, Chris.

Go and get your just desserts and take your desert
island goodies from the stage. Please go ahead.

(CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

And that ends our episode.

We saw a life-changing
experience over the flip of a coin,

a revolutionary new
treatment for being a dickhead,

and Paul Williams finally getting
the pat on the back that he deserves.

But we mostly saw that our winner for episode
six is Chris Parker! (CHEERS, APPLAUSE)

Good night, everyone. Po
marie. We'll see you next week.

(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC)

(APPLAUSE)
- Drink my piss.

(EXCLAIMS)

Drink it! Drink it!

(CHUCKLES)

www.able.co.nz
Copyright Able 2022

Bring in the virgin.

The sex witch bids you enter.

Piss. Aargh! Gah! Fuck!

(CACKLES)

Goddammit. Goddammit.

Yes. He is soaking.

Look how comfortable Paul is.

A lot of that shit was
his idea. (LAUGHTER)