All language subtitles for Up.The.Chastity.Belt.DVDRip.XviD-HTiD

I sing a song of England in those lusty
days of yore.

The night a royal child was born to good
Queen Eleanor.

It's a boy.

Praise be to God. England has a future
king.

But wicked barons lie in wait.

to do their wicked thing.

They've sworn that helpless little child
shall never be their king.

Never!

Take him to the forest and leave him
there to die.

But as the barons rode away, their evil
mission on.

Within the chamber of the queen, another
child is born.

It's twins.

Praise to God.

England has another king.

That child it was became the king of
everlasting fame.

A lion -hearted warrior.

King Richard was his name.

Oh, I'm so bored.

Oh, not this for a lark.

I'm going on a crusade.

And no one knew and no one cared

what happened to his brother.

So frail, forsaken and alone.

No father and no mother.

And thus

it

happened that I grew up in that lowly
pigsty. And it came to pass...

But eventually they realized I was not a
pig like the others.

And they took me into the castle.

I haven't finished yet.

And I became a servant, a serf. And they
named me Lurkelot.

Because I do.

Give me a modern man who knows how it
has to be, not some old miser

hoarding my chastity, listing his lady
as though she were some kind of

chattel. It's unnatural.

I need a strong, true fighter who'll
willingly tilt for me, not some poor

who'll suddenly wilt when he's hard.

pressed right in the thick of the
battle. Oh, for a night for my

nights. Oh, for a night for my nights.
Oh, for a

night for my nights.

do out there all day?

I'm not sure, my dear.

I believe he invents things.

That's it.

I wonder.

I wonder if I'm doing the right thing.

After all, I might get killed and think
what a loss it would be to humanity.

No. No. After all, if I'm going to
market this thing, I must be the one to

it out.

Now.

There we are. The lurker lot flying
machine, mark one.

Thou hast thy wings, and thou art ready
to fly.

Follow thou closely my instructions.

Spread thy arms to the uttermost.

launcheth thyself from a great height,
and flappeth thy wings up and down like

the veritable clappers. That's right.

In order to obtain best results, it is
recommendedeth that thou should

beforehand eateth two groatsworth of
butter beans to ensure a perfect lift

Oh, not now. I'm just getting ready for
blast -off.

He'll have to go. I agree.

Let's swap him for one of these nice
Swedish girls.

One small step for man, one giant leap
for mankind.

Oh, milady Lobelia.

Would you mind?

Ah, south by southeast.

Five knots.

Yes. Thank you.

Here. Oh, me chopper.

I'm all right, Mother.

Don't get your crackling a twist.

Oh, she does fuss.

Look -a -lot, there you are. Come in at
once.

I want you to pose for me.

Yes, madam.

Four years I've been posing for this,
and she hasn't even finished me

Mind you, it's a lot of stitches.

Oh, damn, damn, damn, and blah.

The confounded roof is leaking again.

This is my master. My master's a coward.
It's a coward decusted.

His daughter, Lobelia, was born 23 years
ago, and that... But alas, was

custard's last stand.

Our body of the stinking fish.

What's the matter, dear?

What's the matter? The castle is
crumbling about our ears and there isn't

penny in the coffers to pay for the
repairs.

Three pounds a year it costs to run this
castle. Where am I going to get that

sort of money from?

Rubbish! Our daughter, Lobelia, must
marry our neighbour, Sir Braggart de

Bombard.

Oh, look at you!

Now look what you've made me do!

Yes, it's my turn.

You cannot allow your daughter, Lobelia,
to marry Sir Braggart de Bombast.

Why, he's nothing but a drunkard, a
dissolute lecher, a despoiler of young

virgins, and the best part of the film.

Besides, Sir Braggart will be brutally
displeased when he finds out that your

daughter, Lobelia, is not chaste.

Well, she is, but she falls down a lot.
Even now she lies with the woodman.

That's not true. He merely went out
there to stoke a fire.

Well...

putting it? Get out.

All right. All right. Get somebody else
to pose for your city.

Don't knock into anything.

Look at that, then.

Mother known. Oh, sorry.

This is not weed. The custard.

Air apparent.

Brains not so.

I thought I'd find you here, playing
with your crucibles.

You'll pardon you. I'm working.

What's that you're making?

This is my latest batch of homemade
aphrodisiac.

What's that?

Aphrodisiac. Well, it's the pseudo.

Gets you going.

Going where?

Look, this is for people, you see, who
want to, but they can't. And they take

some of this, you see, drink some of
this, and they can, like rattlesnake.

Can what?

Rattle.

This is a love potion.

That's exactly what I need, because I've
been smitten.

Smitten? By whom, pray?

Mary, the milkmaid. Oh, Mary from the
dairy.

I know her well, yes.

One of the biggest pullers in the
village.

Dost thou think thou canst help me,
Lurkelot? Dost thou?

Yes, I doth. I definitely doth.

I do all the dusting round here.

Dusting? Oh, don't bother.

Look, this girl of yours, she's a
milkmaid. Yes. Does she drink a pint of

day? I think so. Well, look, put a few
drops of this in it. Now, remember this.

Two drops, and she's yours.

More than that, she's anybody's.

How... Can I thank you?

By going.

I have to get this ready for the early
morning delivery.

This is selling well, you know.

Really? Very well.

I have a standing order for 40 gallons a
week in the village.

Have you?

It'll be the biggest town in England
soon.

Well, it's a great help to our finances.

Well, it pays the rates.

Well, Father, he's very grateful to you.
Well, he's been very kind to me.

It's the least I can do till I find out
who I really am.

Not weed.

Who am I?

Whose wild oat am I? Whose loins did I
spring from?

Who put me in the pigsty?

Ah, it must be somebody.

It's not conceivable with all these
brains and all these good looks. I'm

load of old tat.

Poor lecher. I don't suppose you even
know how old you are. Oh, about 23, 24.

Father said he found you in the pigsty
in 1157. That is over 40 years ago.

He found me at 1157.

Don't worry. One day I'll find out who I
really am. My voices will tell me.

Your voices?

Yes, my voices.

Sometimes at night I hear them. They
speak to me. They get quite chatty at

times. What do they say?

They say... Like a lot.

Like a lot.

Can you hear me, Lurkelot?

Yes.

Receiving you loud and clear.

Over.

Lurkelot, the time has come to tell you
who you really are.

Yes, yes. Please tell me who I really
am.

You're not Lurkelot the Surf at all.

No, no. I knew it. I knew I was a knob.

Tell me who I really am.

You're none other than...

you I really am.

Oh, shut up.

Like a nice chicken. That's killed a
day. Fresh today.

Love potions and chastity bolts.

Everyone a woman.

There we are.

Love potions, chastity bolts.

Love potions and chastity bolts.

Potional tragedy belt.

Yes, love potion for you.

Here.

Lucky charms.

Hey, get your lucky charms. Ward off
evil. Lucky charms.

Protect yourself.

Will you take the old one in part
exchange?

Yes. Certainly, why not?

Yes. Cut out the rust.

Give it a re -spray. Someone will have
it. Right, now I'll allow you half a

groat on this. It'll be ten groats,
please.

That's it. Thank you very much.

Here we are. Thank you.

There we are.

Good luck. Oh, thank you. I didn't mean
him. I meant her.

Lucky charms.

Get your lucky charms.

Guaranteed to protect you against every
hazard.

I'll have a bottle.

Is this your wife?

Yes.

Thank you. And the best of luck.

Get your love potion here.

You don't need any, sir, surely?

No, no, I'm just off to the Crusades.
I'd like to buy a chastity belt for my

wife here. A very wise precaution, sir.
You can't trust anyone these days.

There's a lot of it about.

Now, this is the ideal.

Absolutely marvellous, but saucy too.
It's a see -through.

Yes, beautifully made, double mortise
lock, as worn by the crowned backsides

Europe. What do you think, dear? It's
very smart, isn't it?

You'll be the envy of the tapestry class
in this. I'll take it. Yes.

Well, now, shall I wrap it up, or will
you wear it now?

There's a fitting room over there. No,
no, no, we'll take it with us.

Well, there we are.

Fifteen groats.

Spare keys.

Spare keys.

Spare keys.

Lucky charms.

Buy your lucky charms.

Sir Braggart de Bombas, Sir Grumble de
Grunt, welcome to Custard in the Wold.

To what do we owe the pleasure of this
visit, Sir Bombas?

I've come for an answer to my question
about buying your castle and lands.

I'm sorry, I've told you they are not
for sale.

I will not be trifled with, Custard.

Isn't he very funny?

He's good.

Trifle, Custard is here.

Don't bother, carry on. Who are you?

This is my serf, Lurkelot. A serf.

I will not be thwarted.

I always get what I want.

Sir Braggart, it would please me very
much if you and your followers would be

guests at Custard Castle tonight.

I'd like to throw a banquet in your
honour. I would like to throw one in his

face.

I'm terribly sorry, Lercolot, but it was
the only way.

We've got nothing else in the house. I
understand very well that Uncle Percy

always very good to me. I know, I know.

Go on, get the thing cut up. I'm
starving. Sir, have you no respect for

departed? Will you carve, Lercolot, or
shall I?

Oh, I couldn't, sir. I'm sorry, either.

I understand.

It's the last time I shall ask my family
round to tea.

Common as muck.

Would you like a piece of crackling, Sir
Braggart?

Not now.

Later.

It was most gracious of you to accept
our invitation.

I've long cherished the hope of
entertaining you in our humble castle.

The pleasure is all mine, my lady.

You have a fine estate and a grand...
castle here, my lord. Such a property

would be a prize for any ambitious
nobleman bent on increasing his power in

land. And this one's as bent as they
come.

No way, Durgalot. Yes, sir, yes.

It's such a pity it's in such a poor
state of repair.

It needs a man with money to keep it up.
Your fortunes will never be restored

unless you win the archery pools.

I cannot sell it. I hold it on trust for
my successors.

One day, all this will come down to not
weed.

Thank you, Father.

I will restore it as soon as I start
selling my ballads.

Music, that's all he thinks of. Come,
Mr. Custard. I'll strike a bargain with

him. I'll give you 5 ,000 if you'll
throw her in as well.

My Lord flatters me. I know as not what
to say.

So long as she knoweth what to do,
that's all he's worried about.

No fairer maid exists in all the land.
Such soulful eyes, such tempting lips,

such a rich, smooth, creamy dress.

And you want stuffing?

You will regret your impudence before
this night is out, sir.

Bring on the jester!

Hello,

hello, hello.

Good evening, folks.

Now just sit back and relax.

It's fun time.

I have to do everything around here.

Right, funny story number one coming up.
Aha, folks, this will kill you. If it

doesn't, it might have just that effect
on you.

Oh, dear, it's a good start.

Well, here goes.

Ah, now, there was a knight, you see,
going off on this crusade. And he called

his oldest servant to him. And he said,
oldest servant, he said, I want you to

guard the key of my wife's chastity
belt. Chastity belt, you see.

And the oldest servant said, oh, my
lord, I will guard this key with my

So the knight rode off to the crusade.
Now, after he'd been running about a

mile, the oldest servant came running up
and said, my lord, he said, you left me

the wrong key.

You see?

You left me the wrong key.

And he was trying to, you know, but he
wasn't all that old.

Well,

he told it to me.

We don't like stories about crusaders,
sir.

They're the scum of the earth.

Surely you don't mean that, Sir
Braggart. Have you forgotten the most

illustrious crusader of them all is none
other than our beloved king, Richard

the Lionheart.

What king did you say?

Oh, God, here we go.

King Richard, of course.

Long may he live.

Long may he rot in hell.

I recognize no such king.

I serve only... his brother, Prince
John, the only true and rightful monarch

this realm.

Gentlemen, I give you a toast.

Let all loyal Englishmen rise now and
drink to our liege lord, Prince John.

I'm fighting the good fight with all his
might. The man's a rotter. Oh, a

bounder. A rogue.

A rascalion. A parrot.

You will pay for these insults. Ah,
well, he said the last one.

Our champions will meet on the field of
honor tomorrow.

I throw down me gauntlet.

Ah.

Don't dig.

Don't dig.

Don't dig.

Don't dig.

Don't dig. Don't dig.

Don't dig.

Serfs and Saxons come, presenting the
champion of Sir Braggart de Bombast,

that terror of the tourney, that jovial
jock and jouster, at 865

pounds in his armour.

Ah, yes, my champion.

Oh, where is he? Well, that's just it,
you see. I haven't got one.

Oh, I could die of shame.

Be it known, then, that since the coward
has failed to produce a challenger for

my champion, I do thereby claim the
prize.

I claim the Lady Lubelia as my private
property.

Oh, well, perhaps everything's for the
best. Take her to my tent.

Yes, it's me again.

Who are you?

Speak, Sir Knights.

I am the man with no name. I am sworn to
defend the honor of the beautiful

Lady Lobelia and of Richard, called the
Lionheart.

A task that pleaseth me greatly.

Thus I am known as the happiest knight
of the year. Let the joust begin.

Don't take too long on it.

I know a better way of spending the
afternoon.

A new set of ribs.

This calls for the ultimate deterrent.
When I invented it, I hoped it would

never be used, but needs must.

Bring it here.

What did it work a lot?

Well, it had magic properties.

I know not what, but it worketh. Thank
you.

Verily, thou hast a strange -looking
weapon.

You speak for yourself.

What does it do?

It has strong...

all to the jokes.

At least my mother never used to have
fell winkles in Whitehall.

My mother was a lady in waiting.

You mean she used to hang around?

Oh, I admit they named a coin after her.
They used to call her the Frugly Bit.

Come back here. In a moment, I'm going
to forget that I'm a lady.

Why not?

Everyone else has.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but the rules
of chivalry demand that only a knight

enter the risk to do combat with his
peers. Is that not so?

That is so.

Then the victory is mine. And I claim my
prize.

Narchalot, help me.

Out of my way, sir.

Unhand that maiden. Never.

It's the best offer I've had today.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Now, get your clothes off.

But we haven't got time.

Look, my name's Lurk a lot, not Like a
lot. Now, get them off.

How about you, darling?

One more time.

Dirty musicians.

Come on, hurry.

Here they come.

Charge!

Oh, no.

Everyone's seen that gag.

Haven't you?

She's been in more bed than the
croakers.

And to think that villain will have his
way with her.

He may try, sir, but I doubt he'll
succeed.

What do you mean?

Not... Yes, my latest model. The Knicker
Locker Glory Mark III.

Chastity belt.

The little bitch is wearing a chastity
belt. This means war.

All right, men. Now let's fight again.

Get ready to fire.

Let me see.

Do you have a here?

Squirrel. Your arrow's in the wrong way.

Unless you're intended to commit
suicide.

Which, in your case, I thoroughly
recommend.

Right.

Now, let's fight again.

Ready?

Fire!

Very good.

Very good.

Excellent. We should annihilate them.

Provide they attack us on their hands
and knees.

Oh, what a shower.

No wonder we lost the Battle of
Hastings.

God help us.

What's holding us up? Why don't we
attack?

It's the braggart, my lord. He still has
30 more locksmiths to see.

Well, in all my days, I have never
encountered such a lock.

I simply cannot fathom its construction.

But it was fun trying.

On your way, scoundrel.

Next. My lord.

Are you a locksmith?

No, my lord. I'm Chopper the Woodsman. I
have no need for woodsmen.

That's a bracket.

I know who has the keys that you seek.

What?

Look at this.

He wears on a chain around his neck.

To hop.

picked a fine time to get religious.

Oh, don't worry, dear.

He won't be long. That isn't why I'm
crying.

Why? What did he do to me before he
left? Oh, dear.

Talk about locking the stable door after
the horse.

It's not fair.

It made me wait for years. I'm a
passionate woman. Are you? I think I may

myself into the boat.

Well, you can't do that. You might sink.

Now, don't worry. What's he done with
the key? There is...

He's used my latest invention.

Now, you'll never get it out without the
number.

I don't know the number.

It's 85923419.

She loves those who've got a full house.

It's a pleasure to see you. I must go.
Otherwise, I fear may put me on the

Lady Ashton, by default of your
husband's army in battle, I reclaim to

castle and everything that's in it and i
suppose you intend to embark on an

orgy of looting and raping of helpless
women i hadn't planned on it what a pity

first of all i want that surf of yours
lurk a lot oh well to eat his own i

suppose search the castle he must be
found

Oh, Trudy came to me during the night.

This is a charity matinee.

That's all we need, a funny fairy.

Now, listen to me, Luckalot. You must
fly, fly to the Holy Land.

There you must seek out King Richard the
Lionheart and bring him back to

England.

Yes. Bring it on, then.

Mrs.

Oh, she's gone.

Smash it down.

Enemy territory.

Wait!

What

a

way to start a journey.

That was Winifred the Goatherd, better
known as Winifred the Goatherd.

You're a very vocal local yokel.

Could you tell me the way to the hotel?

fucker.

in the film?

Hello, Johnny.

You want to meet my sister? Lovely girl.

Two ackers. No, thank you. I'm ackered
enough as it is.

The Crusaders' arms.

I suppose this is where the Crusaders
come after their bloody battles with the

Saracens.

It's not like the pumps back home.

Look at that.

Not a dartboard in sight.

Can I get you anything?

Yes, a half a bitter, please, and a
scotch egg.

A scotch egg?

Yes, a scotch egg.

Thank you. Do you mind?

No. Dateline, Holy Land.

Welcome to Jerusalem, where the battle
entered its 60th bloody day.

As I write...

20 ,000 screaming Saracens surround the
camp of Richard Colonel Leon, and all

around is slaughter and carnage.

No, dear, carnage, not carnal.

Not 20 yards from where I'm hiding,
innocent women are being ravished in

hundreds. The noise of the battle is
deafening, and from here I can hear the

groans of the dying.

What a way to go.

Copy.

I want that to be in Fleet Street by
February.

What a lovely war.

Sick Howard.

It's a lie.

These ladies are just good friends.

It's me, Nakalot.

So it is.

Well, well, well.

Welcome to the Crusades, my dear chaps.
Thank you. Pull up a girl and sit down.

How's Custer's castle?

A braggart in residence now.

How's my wife taking it? Oh, quite
regularly, I believe.

But, sir, sir, shouldn't you be outside
fighting the Saracens?

Fighting? Good heavens, no. You don't
think I had a club I had to fight, do

I must say, it did surprise me at the
time.

Oh, no, no. Nobody fights in the
Crusades. That's just what we tell them

home. Otherwise, they wouldn't let us
come.

You mean it's almost like this?

Oh, yes. It's just an excuse to get away
from home for a few years.

Make love, not war, little autumn.

I didn't know you could do either.

See what I mean?

All we want here is a little love and a
little peace.

You've got some right little pieces
here, haven't you?

What about the, you know, the leader of
the Saracens? The arch -villain? The

scourge of Christendom?

Saladin is a crusader's friend. He's the
one who organizes all this.

Oh, not the nappy.

And what's this?

A spare teeth?

Try. You would like it. If you insist.

Not as good as dandelion leaves, too.

Makes a change.

Hi, folks!

Everybody happy?

Hi, there comes the baby!

Ah, there you are. Look -a -lot, Pete
Saladin. Sal, this is a friend of mine

from England.

What do you say, man? Great to have you
with us. Say, you with a tour, or do you

make it here on your own?

Super, makes no difference.

Enjoy yourself.

Forget everything.

Forget everything?

everything. I've come all the way from
England on a very important mission.

Mission? What mission, man? Mission.

I don't know.

I forgot.

That's it, man. Freak out, baby.

Peace and love, man.

Peace and love.

Beautiful.

Go to it, mama.

Excuse me.

Yes? Can I do anything for you?

Yes.

Cancel that scotch egg.

Lurk a lot?

Lurk a lot?

Voices.

Hello, voices.

Have you followed me all the way from
England?

No, I'm shouting.

You can never win with her, can you?

Have you forgotten your mission?

Her? Her mission?

Yes, the mission.

Peace and love.

Get off. Go on, get off.

I want to find King Richard.

What do you say, ma 'am?

I said, where is King Richard?

King Richard?

Oh, that Richard baby. Yes. Oh, he
split, ma 'am.

Not in twain. Oh, no, no, no. He went.
He went?

Went where?

On a trip.

But where? Look.

Where did he go?

Oh, in his tent, ma 'am. Next door.

What's he talking about? Has anyone seen
King Richard lately?

Ah, well, somebody goes in every day to
change the girls.

The girls?

Every day.

Oh, his heart isn't the only thing
that's like a lion's. Oh, you can say

again, man. He's insatiable. Is he?

Right now, he's turned on with some
chick from Kathmandu.

Was that

to your satisfaction, Your Majesty?

Yes, not bad.

Thank you.

It passes an hour.

What shall we do now?

Would you like your tea?

No, later.

Perhaps we might attend the next one.

Sutra. For those of you who don't know
what that is, let me describe it.

It's a book about... Well, it describes,
you see, how to, you know,

if... It's a guidebook to the various...
It's a sort of Mrs.

Beaton for sex maniacs.

It's a good read.

Like a whodunit, really. To who and
where and when.

And with what?

Here's one we haven't tried.

That one?

But that's impossible.

How is it?

Darling, you know what they say.

Don't knock it until you've tried it.

Now, first you put your two knees close
up tight.

You swing them to the left, then you
swing them to the right.

Who translated this?

Repeat four times and... Well,

my lord, shall we try it?

But first, let's turn the lights down.

As you wish.

Shall we start, my lord?

It's all in the instructions.

I don't believe it.

It's impossible.

There must be two.

What a handsome -looking man.

It's a coward.

This is serious.

The king must return to England.

Why? Well, he hasn't been home for 15
years. It's not good enough.

Well, go and tell him. But I can't get
in to see him. He's been shacked up with

a Turkish bent for three weeks.

You see, he won't come out. He's got the
Kama Sutra in there. He's up to page

22, that's all.

He'll be months yet.

You'll never get him away from here.

Not with all these beautiful girls
about.

Beautiful girls?

No. The only thing is to cut off his
supply.

How? How?

Oh, I'll tell you. Now, listen, listen.

You are to collect all the swords and
armour you can, you see. All the metal.

And take it down to the blacksmith.

Excuse me. Are you the blacksmith?

Are you kidding?

Well, now, Mr. Smith, I bring you
fraternal greetings from the Nottingham

of the Amalgamated Sheet Metal Workers'
Union.

Greetings, brother.

Greetings.

We're all right. He's a mason. Good.

What can I do for you, man?

Well, I wonder if we might have the use
of your equipment.

I beg your pardon? Your tongs and your
bellows. Ah. Ah.

Yes, sure. Help yourself.

Thank you. You're most kind. I hope
you'll attend one of our ladies' nights

sometime. Come on, let's get started.

Thank you. Pardon me.

Well,

that's that.

Operation Rumpo Stop is about to
commence.

And so, in addressing this first meeting
of the Holy Land

Women Liberation Movement, I must
impress upon you the need for we girls

to rebel against these coarse men. They
have dominated us for far too long.

Yes, they have abused us and misused us
for centuries.

Hear, hear.

Here he is. Thank you, Fratty Titimar.

Now, we demand equality in all spheres.
And until we get it, neither

will they. And so, girls, do not forget
our motto.

Look up and lock up.

Now, Fratty Titimar, dish out the belts.

Thank you, dear.

Take care not to scratch yourselves,
won't you? There.

If I catch those two old bags who put my
girls up to this, I shall burst them.

Ready, sire?

Of course I'm ready. Are you coming with
us, Sir Custard?

No, I think I'll hang around for a bit.

What bit?

Where? Where? Oh, for goodness sake,
don't start him off again.

Come, sire, let us make haste for
England.

Oh, very well.

Won't those horses go any faster?

Bullocks. How dare you address your king
like that?

Oh, dear, why must I go back to England
anyway?

Because you're the king, that's why. But
I haven't been in England for years.

I don't suppose they'll remember me. If
I go back there now and say I'm your

king, I most likely will be stoned.

You couldn't be more stoned than you are
now.

Well, where are we anyway?

We're passing through a country called
Germany, my liege. Germany?

Oh, let's see. Who do I know in Germany?

Lottie, Brunnhilde, Gretel, Karen, Fumf.
Oh, Fumf, Bad Oderstrasse,

Hamburg. Crumpet Madius.

It's taken us a year to get this far.

I say, there's rather a tasty bit.

As I was saying, my...

problem is this, you see, I don't know
who I really am. And as soon as I set

eyes on you, I thought, good heavens,
there's a definite resemblance there.

We're alike as two peas in a pod.

Don't you agree?

Hello? The other pea has peed off.

Oh, no.

He can't. He'll kill himself.

Excuse me. Oh.

Oi, King Richard.

Come out.

I know you're in there.

Oh, thank you so much.

King Richard, come on. Leave that
peasant alone.

Who is out there?

It's lurk a lot. And this is no time to
go surf riding.

Go away. I am busy.

You've got to come home to England.

I won't. Thou wilt.

Mind you, after all that crumpet, anyone
would wilt.

You are the king. England needs you.

Look, you think you look like me?

You wear the crown.

She's crazy about it.

Seven and three -eighths.

Just my size.

It's an omen.

Cry God for England.

St. George.

And above all, luck alone.

That's me, sir. 24 -hour service, head
office, 31 Horsham, Venison Yard,

I can read.

Of course you can, sir.

It's all in here, sir.

Have tools, we'll travel.

Like a plumber, sir.

Always on tap.

Always on tap.

I'm in no mood for jollity.

This is an extremely complex problem,
Master Locksmith. Don't you worry, sir.

The lock has not been made what Nick the
Pick cannot lick.

Now, what was it you wanted done, sir?
Was it a drawbridge, a portcullis, a

cupboard? Is it a chest you want opened?

It's a bit lower than that. Lower than
that, sir. A chastity belt.

Hello, hello, hello.

It's a good start for a Monday morning,
you saucy old sex. To me, hey!

If you so much as cast a glance on the
fair face of the lady, it'll be out of

your eyes, gouged out with red -hot
firebrand.

Have no fear, sir.

I never look at the mantelpiece when I'm
poking the fire.

This won't take long, sir. Now, where is
the unfortunate young lady?

Out here.

Don't you worry, sir. I've never failed
a customer yet. My dear, the last

chestnut you bought I had was all
covered in big dents all down the front.

thought to myself, hello, someone's been
having a go at this with every blunt

instrument. But I got it open, sir,
don't you worry. I've never failed a

customer yet. Never failed a customer
yet.

Oh, wait.

Cover yourself, woman. The locksmith is
here.

Ah, there she is.

And a thousand crowns if you succeed.

Loving to it.

Good morning, madam. Lovely morning.
Might I be permitted to view the

article? No.

Show him.

Don't worry, my dear. I'm happily
married, man.

I'm not going to see anything here I
haven't seen before, am I?

Won't affect me at all.

Well,

what do you think?

What?

Oh, you mean the... Ah, damn, boy, no
trouble at all, is it? No trouble at

Everything's in here?

Every tool known to mankind.

We'll have it off in a minute.

Oh, good to pass.

You idiot. Hurry up, man. Yes, sir. Get
it off. All right, sir.

And it?

It's locked.

Can't be too careful.

Come on, man.

Hurry up.

Have you got a knife, sir?

Hurry up.

Don't you worry once we get this open,
sir.

We're away.

It's all right, sir. It won't be long
now.

There's not a lock in the land, I can't
open.

Come and borrow your sword, sir.

Ah, that's more like it.

I don't know if it's open now.

Sorry,

sir. I seem to have broken your weapon.

It was a big thing, sir, but don't
worry, sir.

I'll get it open, sir. Don't worry.

My lord!

Who is it?

What do you want?

I bring brave tidings. It is said King
Richard the Lionheart has landed in

England and with great speed is heading
this way.

He expects to pass through Maidenhead
tonight.

I've been trying to do that for weeks.

Don't bother me with trifles.

To rally the people.

Well, I am back.

It's me. I'm back.

I'm awake.

I have returned.

Excuse me.

Don't you recognize me?

It's Richard.

Now, let's see.

This is your king. I have returned to
lead you out of bondage. And I ask for

your allegiance.

Are you a troublemaker?

Are you a troublemaker? No, I was
just... Sit down. Shut up or I'll throw

out. Ah, but... Sit down.

Shut up. And take your rattle.

Take your hat off.

Hat. This is the crown.

I don't care which pub you nicked it
from. Take it off.

This will have you doubled up, this
will.

Little Appelstrudel, your little Adolf
has returned home.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, come in, Adolf.

This is Sister Elowaz. We have been

praying together for your safe return
from the crusade. Welcome home, my son.

Now, if you will excuse me, I have my
little Liebfrau -Milch for five years.

I understand.

It must be very sad for you.

He called himself the Lionheart. That's
right. Richard I.

Yes.

Oh, yes.

You know, he was with me for quite a
time before he went to the Crusades.

the one. That's you. Got it. That's him.

Oh, I knew King Richard. The little fat
chap, you know, the little Jesus star.

Yes. No, no, no. He was a very tall man.
He was very attractive.

Excuse me.

No.

I beg your pardon, sir, Knight Crusader.
I am questing after my father, and I

was wondering if you could possibly tell
me the way to the Holy Land.

Certainly. Turn right at Bulgaria.

I know it, that voice.

Lercalot. I thought it was you.

No, no.

It's King Richard.

Nonsense. You are Lercalot the Serf.

Lercalot the Serf?

Lercalot? Tissue.

Tissue. I've left you. You escaped from
us at Custard Castle. Well, it won't

happen again.

Look, you are making a terrible mistake.

Oh, no, we're not.

Two hundred of us were there that day
and still he escaped.

How escaped one from so many? Oh,
indeed. He flew like a bird.

What?

Nothing like him. The yellow blouse bag.

He flew in the sky?

Yeah, we all saw him. On great winds he
flew over our heads. Up, up and away.

He's witchcraft.

If this be true and a witch he is, then
he shall die for it. No, no, look,

you've got it all wrong. I keep telling
you, I am Richard the Lionheart.

All right, I know King Richard very
well. He's a little fat fella.

A glass eye and a club foot. Shut up.

Seize him. To the ducking well with him.
Make him confess.

The ducking well.

Will somebody hold my nose, please?

Oh, dear.

I thought you'd gone home for a minute.

Look, lad.

Confess thou that thou art a witch, and
thou shalt soon be warm and dry.

All right, I confess.

I am a witch. I am a witch. I am a
witch. And thou shalt be warm and dry.

Oh, thank you.

Burn him.

Oh, blimey, you can't win, can you? Take
him to the stake. Don't bother, I'm a

vegetarian.

You'll have to draw me out first.

Come on, a pair of you.

Let's sit down here. Out of the smoke.

Here's a nice fat one. We might see a
bit of a blade.

I hope so. That bloke last week kept
going out. What a way to go.

Barbecued in my prime.

Can I poke you in my stick? Here, sit
down.

You won't come here again.

Oh, fickle fate.

One minute a king, next minute spare
ribs.

Chestnut! Chestnut!

Race chestnuts, 35 minutes!

Pop it, or I'll melt all over you.

So perish all witches.

I must say you left it a bit late,
haven't you?

Quick, before I go, tell me, who was I?
Never mind about that now.

Fear not, you have friends.

Help is on the way.

Well, they'd better hurry up then.

Nothing much you can do with two pounds
of dripping.

This is terrible. The brushwood ain't
burning.

Must be damp from the night's rain.

It's him. He's still soaking wet.

Leave him to me.

One, two, three, go!

You can't say you aren't getting your
money's worth.

Robin,

I cannot thank you enough.

For your timely rescue.

Oh, it's a pleasure, Ducky. We haven't
had such a giggle since we rolled the

Sheriff of Nottingham in the cow
pasture, have we, lads? No.

I suppose this is the Robin Hood.

Well, Ducky, what do you think of our
camp?

Oh, I think that's the word for it.

Lovely.

Blackalot. Aren't they magnificent in
their Lincoln green?

They certainly are. It is a lovely
colour, isn't it?

Designed them myself, you know. Did you?

Oh, yes.

Mind you, I prefer our winter outfits
best. Yes. Black leather. Oh.

Cut very tight across the hips.

Open thonging up the chest.

Very boyish.

Of course, we're not looking our best at
the moment.

Lost most of our sequins. Oh, how
maddening.

It's all this swinging through the
trees, you know. You swing?

Oh, every night.

Yeah, I guessed it.

Now, are you sure you've had enough to
eat? There's oodles of ratatouille left.

No, I've had oodles of oodles, thank
you.

Beautifully cooked. Oh, that's Alan.

Alice? No, Alan. Oh, Alan. Alan O'Dale.

It's a bit limp -wristed when it comes
to the spices, but otherwise it's all

right. Mr. Bellioni is out of this
world.

Really?

It's far too fattening. You have to
watch your figure, don't you? Well,

I mean, these suits show everything.

So I noticed.

So I'll see. Here, mate, watch it.

I'm sorry.

Would you like to meet the rest of the
lads? Oh, you mean the boys in the band?

That's Friar Tuck.

He ministered to our spiritual needs.

I must say, he looks a bit drab compared
to you.

Oh, that's because he's religious, you
see.

Mind you, you should see what he wears
underneath.

He wouldn't dare.

Outrageous!

And that is Will Scarlet. Yes.

They've named a fever after him, haven't
they?

Oh, you look lovely, dear.

Will insists on designing all his own
gear, you know.

Silly boy, because he can be seen a mile
away.

I'm surprised he doesn't get picked up
by the Norman soldiers.

Oh, he does all the time. Why do you
think he wears it?

Yeah, who's that one over there?

That is little John.

I must say, he doesn't look very little
to me.

Robin! What is it, Much?

Look! Look at that brute! If I attack
him down to my tights, I'll kill him. I

really will. Right, all right, Much. You
are far too much.

Take him off. I'll darn him for you.

Oh, aren't they magnificent?

You know, Locke, I must confess, I'm
bent on joining them.

I've got a feeling you'll have to be.

I'm back.

It's me.

I have returned.

Well, don't you recognize me? It's
Richard the Lionheart.

Hey, he's back again.

He must be off his head. Let's get him.

Gentlemen,

thank you. I'm touched by your loyalty.

And now, sir, where is

that key?

Key? What key?

I don't know what you're talking about.
You know very well what I'm talking

about. It hangs around your neck like a
chain. What do you think you're doing?

Now, unhand my royal person.

Where is it?

What have you done with it? Look. You
obviously don't realize with whom you

mucking about.

I am a Richard.

Richard who?

No, not a Richard who. A Richard the
Lionheart.

We agree. Tidy.

It is said that King Richard the
Lionheart has joined Robin Hood and his

men in Sherwood Forest and are planning
to attack the castle.

All right. Double the guards on the
ramparts. No one must enter or leave the

castle. This is ridiculous.

How can Richard the Lionheart be in
Sherwood Forest?

Take this surf away.

Oh, dear.

So's the right. I shall stay in bed.

Oh, Robin.

It must be lovely to live here in the
forest.

You can keep it, ducky. I can't stand
it. Huh? No, it's this weather.

I'm a martyr to the rheumatism. Are you?

Yes. I mean, every time you put
something new on, down comes the rain.

No, soon as Richard comes back, I'm
jacking it all in. I mean, my small

has gone to rack and ruin.

Well, I don't suppose it gets much use.

Robin, I think it's marvellous the way
you rob the rich and give it to the

You have to be joking.

You don't? Of course we don't. Keep it
all ourselves.

How do you think we get all this boner
drag?

Doesn't country, you know. I hope you
won't misunderstand what I'm about to

But you see, I always thought that you
and your merry men were more sort of...

You see, and they're sort of...

I always thought that you and Maid
Marian were... at it.

You must be mad.

Maid Marian?

Have you ever met her?

No, I haven't had that pleasure.

Robin!

Robin! Where are you? Over here, Petal.
What do you want?

Five bleeding hours I've been riding.

I've got something to tell you.

Prince John's up at Nottingham Castle
and he's got a big shake on. The bloody

king's back in the country, so you'd
better get your finger out and have a

And who, pray, is this fragile wooden
nymph? This is the Maid Marian.

Ah.

Pardon? Maid Marian.

That explains a lot of things.

Well, you can't really blame him, can
you?

I mean, could you?

With her?

So you are the beautiest maid, Marion.
How do you do?

Not very often, thank you. Ah, your
reputation has spread far and wide.

And that's not the only thing, by the
look of it.

Have you eaten, Hartface?

No, I'm starving angry.

Oi, shag nasty!

Get that bleeding dear cat out and bang
us a leg.

To think we could have got Julie Andrews
for the same money.

Oh, good, he a prisoner.

Look here, put me down.

This is an outrage.

You're so coward.

Who's that?

It's me.

Good heavens, it's Lercalot.

What are you doing all dressed up like
that? I say, it's father.

Notweed, don't tell me you're one of
them.

If he isn't, he soon will be.

Father, what are you doing here?

I was just on my way home to Custard
Castle when these ruffians leapt upon me

from the trees.

Most upsetting. And I don't feel at all
well either.

Sir Coward, there is no point in going
to the castle.

Sir Brackett is holding it. And I'm
going to get it back.

I'm not going to be put upon by Sir
Brackett any longer.

The worm has turned.

I shall tell him face to face. Either he
gives me my castle back or I shall

challenge him to a duel. Father, this
doesn't sound like you.

I thought so.

He's been smoking this all the way home.

Would somebody mind telling me what's
going on? We must recapture the castle.

If I can be of any help.

Oh, that's extraordinarily decent of
you.

Decent? Nothing. It'll be a pleasure.

Anything to get away from Mad Marion.

Let me think. We must get back into the
castle. Oh, I feel very peculiar.

My lord, Sir Coward de Custard is at the
drawbridge, requesting admittance to

the castle.

The devil he is. My husband, home from
the crusade.

So our fearless knight has returned, has
he?

Is he alone?

No, sire, he is with a man of the
church, a friar.

How looks my father? Is he well?

Alas, no, my lady, he looks close to
death.

And he hath come home to die.

Bring him here and his friar. I'm clean.

Death the crusader's sickness.

Let me see.

I'm clean. Let's get out of here.

I'm clean.

Oh, I meant him, not you.

Well, it has been up to now. Let's face
it.

Unclean.

Give away.

He brings the sickness.

Ashfordell, my dearest wife.

That's all right, my dear. Don't bother
to get up.

How dare you bring this man here? Who
are you?

Friar Balsam, on an errand of mercy.

And I intend to stay.

until this man hath snuffed his last
nymph.

Take him to the dungeons.

No, you can't. There's somebody there.

I've come to keep you company.

Oh, well, beggars can't be choosers, I
suppose.

Oh, no, no.

Get in there.

You two, guard the door.

Heard of the Kama Sutra? No.

It's brilliant, Zerkelot.

Very good.

You got us into the castle, and much
good it has done us. Now, don't start

I'm not to blame.

Oh, my stomach.

Oh, for goodness sake, stop moaning.

Honestly, how much longer do they expect
us to sit here waiting? We shall catch

our death sitting in this damned craft.

How long's it take them to drop their
drawbridge?

Drawbridge, dear.

Honestly, some people's minds.

Gut fake.

I take two ladlefuls of sulphur.

Sulphur. One, two.

And a similar amount of ground charcoal.

Wait a...

Hang on. Wait a minute. Let me see now.

There we are.

I should be getting the drawbridge down
for Robin Hood, not plain doctors.

Perhaps they've been incarcerated.

Oh, no, no.

Shouldn't think so.

We'd have heard the scream.

Agony, I'm told.

If this doesn't move you, nothing will.
Come on. It's no use, Lercolot.

I'm not any good at taking medicine. Oh,
come on, get it down, you. Come along.

No.

I said it would move you, didn't I?

What happened?

I don't know.

What was in this stuff?

Sulfur?

Oh, Peter.

Do you know?

I've just invented something.

What's it called?

How do I know?

I've only just invented it.

Well, look what it did to that door.

One second it was there, next second it
was gone.

Yes, that's it. That's it. That's what
I'll call my latest invention.

Gone powder.

Oh, oh.

sound the alarm the prisoners have
escaped the prisoners have escaped

Is not he his twin brother?

In the bed.

In the bed.

You sent me to school and I wouldn't
be...

Bye, Robin.

and justice for all. My brother John has
fled, and the power of the barons

is curbed forever.

This is indeed a happy day.

Also, it is right and proper that your
king should have a queen, and I have

chosen the beautiful Lady Lobelia,
daughter of my good and loyal

friend, the coward Ducat.

Give me a modern man who knows how it
has to be. Not some old miser

hoarding my chastity, listing his lady
as though she were some kind of a

chattel. It's unnatural.

I need a strong, true fighter.

...who's glued to the flag and when he
should be up there facing the dragon,

oh, my man must have a name that is
steady, keeps his head

in, soon cross my drawbridge, disproving
the fallacy that there's no

lover can cross my...

Uh...