Original subtitles

What is this thing called love?

This funny thing called love

Just who can solve its mystery?

Why should it make a fool of me?

That wonderful day you took my love

and threw it away.

And so I ask the Lord in heaven above,

what is this thing called love?

Fuck! What? Fuck! What?

Fuck! What? Fuck!

Fuck!

Happy birthday.

Surprise!

Not a surprise. You told me about it, Dad.

Fuck it. I'm surprised anyway. Go enjoy yourself.

Hey!

Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much. Why are you so late?

Long story.

I have to leave for San Francisco in a few minutes.

On my birthday? I told you I'm doing that Boutique Hotel in the Embarcadero.

yeah, right.

And we agreed we'd celebrate when I give you your present.

What is it?

I'm not going to tell you. It would ruin the surprise.

I think you're the birthday boy.

Give us a minute, Luther.

I'll see you tomorrow.

You make

me sugar.

Love you. Love you too.

Follow me.

May I say I have never seen you dressed more ludicrously. It's Jay -Z.

Of the Jay -Z collection?

Oh, of course.

I forgot about your close ties to the hip -hop world.

What? Your birthday gift.

Open it.

It's a DVD I made for you. Of which?

I am the star. That was a co -star.

With a miss, um... Pemi Denicolt.

Joss's sister.

You made a DVD of you fucking Joss's married sister.

Daughter of the man who employs both you and me. Well, it was her idea.

Oh, it was not.

And some of my finest work, if I do say so myself.

Oh, Michael.

You have no sense of the absurd.

If I did, I'd be dressed like you.

Last chance?

All right.

Pemmy's a wild one, Michael.

No picnic looking like this.

Or being so gifted in bed.

It's intimidating.

I scare the crap out of my husband, Seth.

I mean, we do stuff sometimes. If you call me licking his balls while he

his potsticker stuff.

Floor. A lot of people think prison changed me, but

I think it was just another place to make close friends and expand my

If you catch my drift.

Even though I'm on parole, Seth is thrilled to have me back.

Luther? No Luther.

Oh, I still miss my cellmate Georgia.

For a woman who took a baseball bat to her husband's kneecaps, she sure had a

tender fucking tinge.

Michael, meet Suze and Yasmeen.

They're contortionists.

They defy the laws of physics.

Their bodies are like a circus of naughty hinges.

I bend where other women snap.

And I can lick my own vulva.

You like to lick your vulva?

Hello, boys.

What seems to be the trouble?

Burn.

We may have to check him into a burn ward and have him legally declared a

Ooh,

it looks bad, Mikey.

Would it be too much to ask you to throw something on, Mom?

Vic, did you hear?

He called me Mom.

I heard, I heard. Listen, sweetheart, why don't you go up top?

I think Captain Lou's going to let you steer.

She knows I'm kidding, right?

I don't know.

Chantel has some very strong maternal instincts.

Yeah, huge.

Sunburn.

When's the last time we had fun like this?

Your third wedding.

No, wait, you're fourth to Maureen.

Maureen. God, she never shut up. No, Dad, that was Jerry.

Maureen was the shy redhead who checked into the Beverly Hills Hotel and took 50

Vicodin for dinner. I thought that was Dorothy.

I'm beginning to lose track. I think I kind of like that. You're something,

I wouldn't say it if I didn't mean it.

You're a lawyer, son.

Is that how you see me?

The way I see you, son, is I don't see you enough.

Got you, son. Happy birthday.

Oh, I love it, Pop.

Said you wanted to quit the law and go sailing around the world.

Hop on.

Happy birthday, son.

Your soul became below.

Michael, they call this one... Opening Night.

This one is called The Grand Cooley Dam.

Well done, girl.

Big finish, Michael. This one's called Here, Pussy Pussy.

It's a play on words.

Step back, Michael. This one gets a little messy.

Oh. Okay.

Liz. Michael.

How did you get in?

I'm a cop.

I broke in.

What's going on?

We had some unfinished business from this morning.

Smells good, what you got in here?

I picked up some Chinese on the way.

These are all empty.

I didn't get it for you.

I got it for me.

So you just came over to eat and fuck?

Pretty much.

How can you live with yourself? You are so fucking selfish.

Practice.

A little

sunburn.

What did your girlfriend get you for your birthday?

I think she's getting me a Mimi.

She's taking me to his gallery tomorrow night.

The video artist?

You know about him?

Maybe, yeah. He's huge.

I studied him in art history.

That look.

Is it because I know who Mimi is or because I went to college?

You just keep surprising me. That's all.

I was even surprised you remembered my birthday.

Are you being sarcastic?

No.

What did you want me to do, make a bigger deal out of your birthday, maybe

you a present? A text message would have been plenty.

Dictated to me. How about that? This is what I always expect, and so far, this

is what I always get from you.

Spectacular sex, followed by a ridiculous argument that you start and

exit.

Well, who am I to disappoint?

A picture there.

Jackson Pollock and I are dropping acid naked in Miles Davidson's place in Sag

Park. He was painting my tits. He had the most marvelous heart on.

Then suddenly he's spinning around, splashing paint all over the floor and

walls.

Next thing you know, we got abstract art in America.

You never know where genius comes from.

Sometimes it looks like a mess.

Then somebody comes along and gets it.

How is it pronounced?

Furthermore, how quickly?

Is it pronounced me, me, or me, me? Stop it, Luke.

Query. Is his first name me and his last name me, or his first name me, me, in

which case the only possibility for his last name would be, I'm a pretentious

asshole.

Jocelyn wants to buy me one for my birthday.

Saw Pete on him on CNN.

She remembered.

Ah! God, everything I do becomes a clue for her.

She's starved for details, Michael.

Just make shit up.

Concerity just complicates things.

Yeah, it does.

Actually, I like him.

He's engaging in a, you know, I hope you all choke to death in front of your

loved ones kind of way.

Having fun?

Hey. Bye.

So I was just talking to one of my clients, Ronnie Decker.

He's the racehorse sperm broker.

I'd like to get his number. I'll make a little cash on the side. I'm up to my

ears.

You know, it looks real.

Like he actually might live in there. Yes, well, maybe he'll decide to stay.

Michael, which one do you like best? The one where Mimi sneers irritably or the

one where he glares dismissively?

Mimi doesn't glare.

And Mimi doesn't sneer. That is all in your mind, sir. You see what you see,

what is. How very slavish and painful for you. Well, my mistake.

By the way, what happened to the dis -segment of the word? I thought it was

distortion. Only to those imprisoned in the literal.

I assume you're not an art fan, sir. Actually, I love all kinds of art.

Have you seen any around here tonight? Okay, Luther, time to get some air. You,

sir, are aesthetically embalmed. Perhaps I should invite you to leave my

distortion show as clearly it is well beyond your realm of comprehension.

Or maybe you should kiss my art, me. Oh, I hope that thought didn't turb you too

much. Get out. Okay. Hey, come on.

Probably ran out of foie gras.

Let somebody else take it.

I don't know.

This one I want.

That's my friend Jocelyn, you revolting turd! Blow me!

Jesus Christ, man!

Okay, I'm gonna get you some ice, okay? Hey, hey, hey, stay put, all right?

Okay, okay, okay, let's all be friends here, all right?

That micro -cross started everything!

I am an attorney, and I want to press charges against this pretender! All

for what?

For impersonating a human being!

Oh, and for knocking my friend down!

You suck!

Why don't you come with me to the squad car, okay? So we can have a look at

that. We're going to have to give a statement.

It's okay, it's okay.

so emotional i'm not a person who does this okay you know i know who i am if i

didn't i couldn't say that right well you got stuck pretty good this makes an

adult and better would you like to press charges i just want to make him happy

for the guy who punched you you see people in messes every day you know you

wear a gun to work i have to ask you how do you make a man happy

Look, you got pretty shook up, okay? I don't think he even wanted a Mimi to

begin with.

It's what I thought he wanted, you know? And I'm projecting, I'm always

projecting. What he wants, I have no idea.

Men, women, changing for an animal. You're so right.

Sleeping with an enemy.

Exactly.

That is dead on.

It's fellatio.

Isn't it? It's blowjobs, hummers. They love that.

They live for that tongue driving the happy tour bus up Eagle Mountain.

Jess, what are you doing in here? I couldn't find you. I'm talking to the

officer.

Hi.

Hello. Do you know this woman?

Know me?

This is my man.

She was just giving me some advice.

She's very kind.

Extremely wise.

That's great, Joss.

Here.

Officer, may I speak to you for a moment? I'm busy. Please.

Joss, use the ice. I'll be right back. Okay.

Okay.

So what exactly were you gals discussing, extremely wise one, me?

You're insane.

Get a blood flush.

Moved to another town as another person because this version isn't working for

anyone. For your information, I didn't ask her anything.

She did all the asking. What exactly did she ask you about? You want to know?

Are you sure you can handle it? Yes, I can handle it.

Well, as I recall, we were discussing blowjobs.

You were so full of shit. You're just trying to piss me off because you're

pissed off.

Well, she referred to it as driving the Happy Town tour bus up Eagle Mountain.

God, I told her never to say that.

Oh, my.

What did you say?

I told her she should try sucking your dick in your kitchen.

What? Get over yourself, Michael.

Because everyone else has.

Detective Judd Cutter, elusive crime fighter.

I meant to call you.

Been on this big murder investigation. It's a real mess.

You could always use bad things to your advantage.

You don't do that. You don't do wounded convincingly.

You still got a dead eye.

Girls got to protect yourself.

I always suspected you were a girl under all those ferocious layers.

You still have those things in your bedroom ceiling, those little stars that

glow in the dark.

your divorce go through i found the papers last week she's moving to tucson

continue her obsession with becoming perfect at the expense of everyone else

you know you and i should get a drink

Maniac. You're in for it. Only arouse me further.

Luther.

Michael, hello.

What a nice surprise.

You're working late.

Yes. Do you mind? What the fuck is going on here?

Oh, it's our monthly full moon frenzy.

I play the insatiable sex twang and escape sexual madmen. And these two are

recently graduated parochial students.

There's an extra cock ring over there. Join us. You have a backup cock ring.

What if one pops?

Goodbye.

Every man must have his spare.

Action.

Hey.

How did you get past lobby security?

I shot the security guard, so I only have a couple of minutes.

What's that?

Take it.

Pete's offering?

This is overrated.

I'll tell Gandhi we spoke.

I gotta go.

I'm on duty.

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

You didn't have to do this.

Yeah, I did.

See ya.

You painted that?

Yeah. I tried to have it ready for your birthday.

It's beautiful.

I had no idea you were such a... I didn't know you could paint.

You don't really know me.

But I want to.

in my whole life ever made something for me.

Crazy night we met.

I just couldn't get it out of my head.

Come over after you get off.

I can't.

I have plans.

Plan?

I have a life, Michael.

Happy birthday.

I never know what the hell is up with anyone, man.

I mean, anyone.

This girl I dated a few years before I married Helen.

She was a Mormon.

She was a sexy girl, though.

She had all the right curves and vista points working for her, you know?

She had this translucent skin.

So, one night, she decides to tell me that she's a vampire.

And I'm like...

But here's the thing, though. I mean, she had those fang teeth, you know, like

Cher had before she fiberglassed her mouth. And in her closet, she got one of

those capes with the high collar. You know what I'm saying? I mean, this chick

was half nuts.

And in bed, oh, my goodness, she was a freaking 911 call.

We had a lot of fun, man.

I never did sleep over, though. She was always licking my neck like it was a

quarter pounder.

Like I said, you just, you never know.

People got sides, you know?

Open your mind, or you'll miss the show.

Hey, Jess.

You still doing up?

Couldn't sleep.

Yeah, me neither.

How's the eye?

Sore.

Want to come over?

Or I could drive up?

Nah, I'm beat.

Long day.

Do you like being another year older?

I was always another year older.

I thought of something else to get you.

A jet ski.

You remember?

You were talking about those.

That's nice, but I'll pass.

Why don't you just make me something?

Make you something?

Like what?

Anything. Well, tell me what you want me to make.

And I will.

I know.

Nighty -night.

Good night, babe.