All language subtitles for Taskmaster.NZ.S03E02.Sauce.Tits.enh

(WHEEL CLICKS)

(GRUNTS)

Ooh-hoo-hoo.

(KEYS CLACK)

(GROANS)

(EXCLAIMS)

My name is Paul Williams.

(GRUNTS)

(KEYS CLACK)

Oh!

(STRAINS)

(GRUNTS)

(CLUNK!)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(DING!)

Kia ora koutou. Welcome to
the television show Taskmaster.

We're here to celebrate and commiserate
five comedians attempting to impress me

by completing tasks to the best
of their sometimes limited abilities.

(LAUGHTER)

All in the hopes of winning
a golden statue of my head,

which nine out of 10
doctors call perfectly shaped.

Those comedians are Chris
Parker... (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Josh Thomson...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Justine Smith...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...Kura Forrester...
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

...and Paul Ego.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

These five hilarious hunks
who spent the last few months

in a house trying hard to
complete my diabolical tasks.

And to shepherd their efforts, I
have my very own Little Bo Peep...

(LAUGHTER)

...without the cute dress
and intimidating crook ―

it's Paul Williams.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Paul, I don't say this enough, but I really
appreciate the time and effort you put into yourjob.

Wow. What about me...

do you like the most?

I like the way that you move
on to the next task really quickly.

OK. Sure thing. Our first
task, as always, is a prize task.

Each contestant has been asked
to bring something wonderful to win.

Tonight, we are looking for the best
thing that delights all five of the senses.

(ALL EXCLAIM)

My ears, my mouth, my eyes,
fingers and skin are all salivating.

Let's see what... (LAUGHTER)

...you think will delight all five
of my senses, starting with Kura.

Well, I'm a simple gal.

I just went with my gut on this one, and
the first thing that popped into my head ―

which is one of my favourite things
that delights me in many ways ―

it's a Big Mac.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE,
SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYS)

And you'll notice there's some
sexy music going with it for your ears.

CHRIS: Are you supposed
to have sex with the Big Mac?

No, it's just like... there's sexy
lighting, there's sexy music,

and I don't know
what that board is.

Last week it was wine,
this week it's a Big Mac.

- Yeah.
- I can see how this is working for you.

Well, I wanted you to
get to know me, right?

Like, hands up ―
who's salivating?

You. (LAUGHTER)

Paul, what did you bring in?

What I'm going to show you first is
something that delights the main two senses.

So, butter chicken ― the
best taste in the world.

(LAUGHTER)
- KURA: Ew!

Fresh strawberries ― best smell.

Round the outside there ―
that's a strip of velvet ― best feel.

And then in the top, you whack one
of these. Oh, yeah. Jason Momoa.

- JUSTINE: OK. Yep.
- Jason Momoa ― the best thing for your eyes.

And that's them. That's all of them.
- Was there a sound component?

Oh, yeah. I've got this.

(CHILDREN LAUGH ON RECORDING)

Children laughing. Oh my
God, it's like the best sound.

- Sounded quite scary.
- Yeah, that was quite freaky.

I think they saw that.

Justine, what did you bring in?

This is a R2D2 popcorn
bucket from Disneyland.

It looks great.
- JEREMY: Mm.

Can you just look a little
more interested? (LAUGHTER)

It smells great. Yum, hot
popcorn. What else is there?

- JOSH: Sound.
- Oh, sound. Yep. The sound of popcorn.

Pop, pop, pop, pop. Oh, exciting.
Oh, I'm getting popcorn, can't wait.

You can feel it, because
actually, the R2-D2 is quite tactile.

It comes with a little thing you
can hang around you and taste.

Well, fuckin' yum. (LAUGHTER)

Chris, what about you?

CHRIS: I always love when
you go to a Thai restaurant,

and then someone walks in with a big
sizzling hot plate. (IMITATES SIZZLING)

And you go, 'Oh!' and they get all the attention
in the restaurant, which I think feels really good.

So, voila! Some
sizzling hot plates.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It sounds much
louder than a Big Mac.

No, I had sexy music.
That looks like vomit.

- How does it feel?
- Oh, my gosh.

Everyone looking at you ― 'Oh, we
ordered the best thing on the menu.'

- To the touch. To the touch.
- Oh, well, I mean, look at that lovely, slimy cabbage.

Josh, what did you bring in?

Well, a long time ago, I bought a heavily discounted
automatic tie rack from Jaycar Electronics.

Naturally, during lockdown, I thought, why
not make this tie rack into a sushi train?

There it is there. (APPLAUSE)

JUSTINE: Ew, it's
poked through the sushi.

The kids really love it, and I've actually
got a video of my kids enjoying it.

Here, let's have a look.

- CHRIS: Wow.
- # It's the sushi train.

♪ Everybody get
on board, sushi train.

♪ Fish and rice is your reward,
sushi train. # - # Sushi train. ♪

# Salmon and
avocado, sushi train.

♪ Come on, fishy desperados. ♪

# The sushi train,
everybody... ♪

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Is it just me, or is Josh trying
heaps harder than the rest of us?

(LAUGHTER)

We just got takeaways.

I haven't made the sushi.
I just got takeaways, too.

I just happened to put it on an automated tie rack.
- Shut up.

You're a nerd. You're a nerd.
- I'm an early target.

(YELLS) I'm an early target! I've got
an early lead and I'm an early target.

I won the last one ― everyone's coming for me.
(YELLS) Well, buckle up, because I'm readyto go.

(YELLS) You wanna come for the
sushi train? Come for the sushi train!

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- PAUL EGO: Oh.
- CHRIS: The nerd's getting angry.

Five points, though. There's no
doubt about it. Five votes for that.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Paul ― four points, because you get three
and a half health stars for Jason 'Momona'.

- Thank you.
- I― it's tricky to know whether it's going to be three or two...

to you, Chris, or
to you, Justine,

but I think because yours was
slightly more culturally diverse,

so you get three, you get two.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. That is from
Tokyo Disneyland, that popcorn bucket.

(LAUGHTER) - PAUL EGO:
Originally from Tatooine.

- One point for Kura.
- (GIGGLES) Shall I argue about it?

Nah.

That obviously puts the nerd
out in first place with five points.

# Poison your
children with old sushi.

♪ My kids might die,
but I'll win the show. ♪

(LAUGHTER)

Very good. Tell me, Paul, do you have a task
loaded up from your little toy tablet, there?

- It's a big boy tablet.
- Is it?

Yes. But I do have a task.

But I feel like I must warn you, if you
don't like drama, leave the room immediately.

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

- PAUL EGO: Hey, P Willy.
- Come on, Chris.

Oh, man, this has got a
whole 'It' vibe to it, which...

(CHUCKLES) I may piss myself.
- What do you mean 'It'?

The movie, 'It'. The Stephen
King book. The movie, 'It', with the―

Have you not seen it?
- Which movie?

'It'. It's called 'It'. The
movie is called 'It'. It's not...

Forget it.

(MUSIC BOX CHIMES)

- (SCREAMS)
- Still gives you a shock, even though you know it's...

- Oh, cute.
- So cute.

- Look at his
cute little― - Cute!

This is cute.

READS: 'Make a dramatic exit.'

READS: 'Most
dramatic exit wins.'

You have 30 minutes.
Your time starts now.

- I need smoke.
- I need to catch you with someone.

Am I going to have
to shit in the woods?

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Well, it's great that the nerd's
prepared to shit in the woods.

I think we all know Josh would
have said that regardless of the task.

Well, I do love seeing people leave. Who do I
get the pleasure of watching exit first, Paul?

She's been making dramatic exits ever
since she came out of her mother's womb.

Here she is, at least 15 years
later, this time with clothes on ―

it's Kura Forrester.

Thought so, yeah.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I am the phantom. I've
been taken hostage.

First, they ate fish and chips in front of
me with heaps of delicious-looking sauce,

but I didn't care. Then
they grazed my knees.

They punched my mouth, and
then they punched my eye, clearly.

But I didn't go down.

Not many people know this
about the Phantom, but I have a son

who's also been taken hostage,
and I will not rest until I find him.

So to my kidnappers, I say ―

'Give me back my son.'

Oh, you want an exit?

Ha. I laugh in
the face of exits.

Watch this.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- CHRIS: That was so good.

- Quite dramatic. Great script.
- Yeah, thank you.

So just talk us through ―
who are the characters?

Are you the― you're the phantom?
- Yes, I'm the Phantom of the Opera.

I've been heavily beaten and
kidnapped after a feed of fish and chips.

So there's blood, but
some sauce as well.

Not many people normally with a dramatic
exit sort of say, 'I'm going to exit now'...

And then they exit. But I
kind of like the signposting.

Thank you. Yeah.
But I disappeared.

Like, that was pretty
'whoa', if you ask me.

- It felt dramatic to me.
- Thanks.

- Yeah. Who's up next, Paul?
- Up next, saying 'Bye, bye, bye',

it's JT ― Josh Thomson.

(YELLS, GRUNTS) Whoo!

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

Argh! (LAUGHTER)

Whoo! (PANTS) All right!

(PANTS)

Get off! Whoo! (GRUNTS)

That might not be
one of my best. OK.

Splash!

Ball me!

(GROANS LOUDLY, PANTS)

Word.

What word?

- I'm finished.
- Oh, OK. - Yeah.

(PANTS LOUDLY)

- Did that all go to plan?
- You might not have seen it ― I hit both the doors.

Punch, kick.
- And you kicked the woman.

She's not a real woman. Well, all woman
are― I mean, I don't want to get into it.

(LAUGHTER)

Yeah, she's got tits and
a― she's got no head.

It doesn't look good,
this woman-kicking thing.

But... if you want drama...

Kick a woman in half, you know?

People are going
to be talking about it.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- 'If you want drama, kick a woman in half.'
- Mm.

Do you want to walk that back, or
you want to keep that on the table?

Ah... Mm...

In my head, I was
like an elegant― like a―

like a gibbon,
like, flying around.

I just look like a drunk
man falling over a lot,

and then sort of beating
the shit out of a woman.

But I―I― Which is not good.

Um, and... (MUMBLES)

But dramatic.
- Yeah. The problem for me was that the exit itself out the barn doors ―

there was not a lot of drama there. So what
actually went on was really post-exit, wasn't it?

I mean... Mm. (LAUGHTER)

Well, before we see how
the rest of these leavers left,

it's time for our own dramatic exit,
in the form of a commercial break.

But to make it
even more dramatic,

Paul, would you like to
end it on a cliff-hanger?

Something I've
never told anyone is...

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

And basically, that's why I'm
not allowed back into Portugal.

(LAUGHTER)
- That makes a lot of sense.

And just like that, we
are back. Paul Williams ―

who's exiting next?

This 'Just-ine' ― a comedian
has made a dramatic exit.

Let's cross now to Justine
Smith to find out more.

You'll never be a
real doctor, Dr Smith.

Oh, yes, I will,
Dr Chris Warner.

I'll be a great doctor.
A majestic doctor.

A doctor that never leaves
Shortland Street, just like you.

Damn you, Dr Warner!
Damn you to hell!

(DRUMS BANG)

(EERIE MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(KEYBOARD CHIMES)

(COWBELL CLANGS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Wow. That was very good.

I was impressed with the credits at the end. You
credited yourself with absolutely everything.

Including the camerawork,
which was amazing. The lighting...

- I designed all that.
- Yeah. It was amazing.

- Thank you.
- Kura, you work on the real Shortland Street.

- Yeah.
- How did you think Justine's effort went?

I think it's better― better
than anything I've ever seen.

(LAUGHTER) (LAUGHS)

Who's next, Paul?

It's our only contestant whose surname is also
the name of a popular weatherproof jacket―

it's Chris Raincoat.

The style ― British.

And you're my lover.

But you're having sex with him.

And his name... This is...

This is Greg. He's
the grocer. OK?

And I just want you to― I just
want you to respond in the moment.

I want you to be real. I
want you to lean into this.

And I want you to
give it your whole heart.

- What's the line?
- I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry. It's not what it looks like.

I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry.
It's not what it looks like.

- But, like, scream it.
- OK.

OK. Are we ready?

(LAUGHTER)

Oh my God, Paul.

BRITISH ACCENT: Honey.

I'm home. I couldn't find
George the grocer anywhere.

NORMAL VOICE: What's going on?

I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry.
It's not what it looks like.

Well, what the fuck is going on?
Your pants are around your knees.

iPad in hand, taking George
the grocer up the arse.

Coke? Drinks? In front
of the dog, you sick fuck.

You're a monster. How
dare you, you bastard?

Here's your martinis
you so loved to drink.

And your vodka...
and your gin...

And your coconut water.

And you know what?

You can die. All of you,
you sons of arseholes.

Die, you bastard. Die.

And you too, George.

(ANGUISHED CRY)

(GRUNTS)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Oh, I tell you what ― if that doesn't get a
standing ovation, nothing on the show ever will.

That's the power of
queer cinema for you.

What we didn't see
is Paul's pants down.

I mean, those pants around your
ankles ― you've got two pairs of pants on.

I have more than
that. I― constantly.

I was furious about that, because
I did want to see his bare bum.

How did you feel
being a part of it?

Honestly, the whole
process was incredible.

Chris was a great director.

And can I just say, you really
pulled out an amazing performance.

- Thank you.
- Like, I saw some depths to you I've never seen before.

Well, that's amazing. I watched that thing
and I didn't see any pulling out at all.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

If my calculations are correct, we
still have one dramatic exit to go.

It's time to bid
adieu to Paul 'Egieu'.

# Dramatic exit from the shed.

♪ P Willy's looking
really confused.

♪ Dramatic exit from the shed.

♪ I'm feeling slightly
aroused and abused. ♪

On to here!

Sauce tits. (LAUGHTER)

Oh, and then we
go for the finale.

Here we go.
Dramatic exit finale.

(ROUSING ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

(LAUGHTER)

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Yeah. And some of that.

Oh, boy.

That's― oh. Messed that up.

(EXHALES)

OK.
- Thank you, Paul.

Oh, I'm stoked with that. I've
never made a more dramatic exit.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Was that a dramatic exit, or was
that a happy ending? It's hard to know...

Exactly.
- JUSTINE: I think that was a cry for help.

I remember telling my kids they
should watch this show. (LAUGHTER)

Yeah, yeah. I really went a
different angle from the whole―

some fantastic
dramatic performances.

But I thought, how dramatically
can I just exit a shed?

And I've always
wanted sauce tits.

You know, why not do
it on national television?

I can't even remember what
anyone else did anymore.

I've just― I've forgotten
completely what happened.

I'd actually forgotten I
did that, and then as―

As soon as I came out
with those― I went, 'Oh no!'

(LAUGHTER)

Look, technically speaking,
both Josh and Paul ―

I think they both exited,
and then the drama occurred.

I think I've got to
be a stickler on this.

I think, Josh,
you get one point.

I think you get two points,
just because I feel sorry for you.

- Thank you. Thanks, mate.
- I think you threw your heart and soul into that.

I've always wanted
sauce tits. (LAUGHTER)

- Kura, I think you got three points.
- Thank you.

Because I liked the lighting, I liked
the script. I thought it was very good.

Four points for you, Chris,
and five points to Justine,

because you did
absolutely everything on that.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So with two tasks down, let's
do some simple maths, Paul,

so we can find out who's one step
closer to owning a very, very cold Big Mac.

Currently out in first equal with
seven points is Chris and Justine.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

All right, Paul. Task me,
my human cocker spaniel.

Woof, woof. That's cocker
spaniel for 'Sure thing.'

It's the first team
task of the season.

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

Hi, Paul.

What a day, P Willy.

(SCREAMS EXCITEDLY) (LAUGHTER)

What the heck?

(LAUGHTER)
- Oh my God.

- How are ya?
- Yeah, good, mate.

- Oh, look at those! - I know. Aren't they sex?
- God, they're brilliant.

- KURA: Oh my God. Are we a team?
- Are we a team now?

- (JOSH YELLS)
- (BOTH SCREAM EXCITEDLY)

(ALL SCREAM IN UNISON)

- CHRIS: Are we doing something together, maybe?
- Oh, maybe.

KURA: How did we
not hear each other?

- JUSTINE: I know, I'm quite loud.
- JOSH: I totally heard you guys.

(LAUGHTER)

- Wa―wa―wa―wait!
- (JUSTINE YELLS)

- What do we see? What do we see?
- KURA: Milk. Milk. - Bucket of milk.

- Father and son bonding trip.
- (LAUGHS)

READS: 'Don't touch the milk.'

- You read it, cause I always fluster reading them.
- All right.

READS: 'Transport the
milk.' Oh, I started reading it.

READS: 'Transport
the milk to the dock.'

READS: 'Cheers the cow, and then
return the milk to its starting plinth.'

CHRIS READS: 'One player
must travel inside the (YELLS) Zorb!'

- JUSTINE: No, thank you.
- JOSH: What the hell? - KURA: What?!

READS: 'And that player must carry the cup of
milk. Time will be added for any spilt milk.'

READS: 'The percentage
of milk that you spill

'will be the percentage of
your time that will be added.

'Fastest wins. Your time starts when
your Zorb leaves the starting mat.'

- Where's the Zorb?
- Where is the Zorb?

Oh, there. There it
is. We'll put it in there.

- Stick it in there.
- (GASPS)

I'm telling you right now ― I'm
not getting in the fucking Zorb.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Some very interesting team dynamics going on here.
- KURA: Yes.

Particularly with your
track record with women.

(LAUGHTER) Josh.

Well, nothing says New Zealand like a group
of mates mucking in to get the milk down

to cheers the cow, at the
dock, in the back of the Zorb.

But first, we're going to take an
ad break. We'll see you shortly.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster, where
Josh Thomson's bespoke sushi train

is ready to choo, choo, choo
into someone's winning mouth.

Paul Williams,
what is happening?

We're working in teams
to move buckets of milk

down to the dock and back
in a giant plastic sphere.

First up, they could be
the before and after pictures

for either ageing or de-ageing
cream ― it's Chris and Paul.

- Do you want to get in it?
- Not particularly. - I'll get in it.

I've never been in one.
- Oh, really? Great. OK.

I don't think I can
get through the hole.

I've gone through quite
a few holes in my time.

Can I just see what it's like?

I think we should conceal it. They
haven't said anything about that.

- Can we cover it with something?
- Yeah, like a plate.

I'll get some tape, Paul.
- All right. You get some tape.

That's, like, the perfect size.
- Fuck yeah.

(GASPS)
- (LAUGHS)

- Did you spill some milk?
- Yeah, we have. - Nah!

Nah, I don't think so.
- Well, we haven't started yet.

That's not going to
splish splosh too bad.

Oh, look, we've made a thermos!

OK, do you wanna― (STRAINS)

(LAUGHS) Like a reverse birth.

I'll pass you your
cup of milk, OK?

Time on.

Have you put on weight, Chris?

Oh my God. This is reminding
me of being in the closet.

Whoa. Yeah, we've hit the tree.

Now I've just got to get you over this bit.
- I feel invincible.

Where is it? - It's right here to our left.
- Oh, brilliant.

- OK, ready?
- Gidday, mate.

- Cheers, mate.
- Cheers, brother.

- Oh, good on you, buddy.
- Both milks have been cheers'ed.

Now we've gotta go back up.

That's a beauty.

(GRUNTS)
- Are you OK?

JUSTINE: Oh my God, Paul.

I'm all right. I'm all right.

Do I just slide out?

Yeah. You're going
great. You just carry on.

Look at you go, little fella.

Go, baby.

Yeah, Chrissy P. OK, stop there.

Stop there. Right.

Do you want your milk?
- I've stopped the clock.

- (PANTS)
- It is so hot in there.

This is what happens when the
drama kids do cross-country once.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I wonder whether you're starting to regret
your choice of footwear now with those Crocs.

Because that's a
Croc-related slip, that one.

That was definitely due to the Crocs.
- Oh, totally. Yeah, yeah.

They were very milky Crocs.
I wouldn't recommend that.

I had no idea he bailed so hard.

He was like, 'Yeah, nah, that's all
right, Daddy had a wee fall out there.

But I didn't realise he
completely collapsed.

Oh, yeah. I've been in
hospital for three weeks.

Was there any milk spilt? I felt like
there was a little bit at the start there.

A small amount. 9.4%
of their milk was spilt.

Their time was eight
minutes and 46 seconds,

but then they spilt 9.4%,

meaning their adjusted time
was nine minutes and 35 seconds.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Well, that might be interesting. It's quite hard
to tell until we see the other team in action.

And surely they're at an
advantage, having the extra person.

So since they have an extra person,
they have an extra bucket of milk.

- CHRIS: Oh.
- It's Justine, Josh and Kura.

- JUSTINE: We could put it in something bigger.
- Yeah.

You could get a rope and you could drag
your milk while helping the Zorb. You know?

- What rope?
- JOSH: I don't think― you can't drag milk.

Like, you could
put your milk into―

That's going to be
a disaster, isn't it?

Nah, this is probably― well,
this could be the best thing.

Wa-wa-wa-wait. (MUMBLES)
- JUSTINE: You're so terrifying.

No, no, no. I just want to plan it
before, otherwise you'll be in the Zorb,

she'll be covered in milk, and I'll just be
like a ripped hunk, not sure what to do.

(BOTH LAUGH) Oh,
you're actually― oh.

- Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
- No.

That's to catch any spills.
- JUSTINE: Oh, I thought we were―

Sorry, I― I left for 30
seconds. (BOTH LAUGH)

I think you're very brave for doing this.
- (SCREAMS)

- Whoa! Jeez!
- (GRUNTS)

- Clock is on.
- JUSTINE: The clock is on.

Still got the milk,
guys. This is kick-ass.

Oh. Oh, oh!

Cheers.
- I'm scared to go down the hill.

Look, I've got to get back.
Oh, I spilled a lot of milk.

OK, the milk has
been down and back.

- Oh my God, we did it!
- Go, go, go, go, go.

Yes!
- It's cheers'ed the cow.

- Great work. Watch out for the hole!
- (SCREAMS)

Oh, no, I'm OK.
- You're doing great. You're doing great. Good, nice.

- Oh my God.
- So good.

Roll down the
front. Whoa, buddy.

Oh, you― (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

- I'm getting out.
- JUSTINE: OK.

Oh God.

This is a terrible waste.
This a terrible waste.

Fuck me.

- Whoo!
- Yes!

- JOSH: Oh, we knocked your little fence down? Sorry, mate.
- It's OK.

JUSTINE: Yeah, that
was the Zorb, it wasn't us.

Ew, I've got milk
all over me, and shit.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

You'd think three heads
would be better than two,

but I kind of felt like there was a
distinct lack of trust in that group there.

Kura, you seemed to be doing
all the work inside of the Zorb.

Yes. Look at that face.

- She's too scared to say anything.
- It was a team effort.

Well, I had a really fun time.

Well, I was covered
in shit. (LAUGHTER)

They seemed to
spill a lot of milk.

So, their time was nine
minutes and 28 seconds,

but they lost
14.7% of their milk.

So their adjusted time was
10 minutes and 51 seconds.

- Drats.
- Paul and Chris, you guys get five points each.

- Ka-ching.
- That's the way to go. (CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And I think you guys
could have got four points,

but I just didn't like the niggle
that was going on in your team.

So you get three points each.

(APPLAUSE)

Well, if you didn't like that niggle, you're
not going to like the rest of our team task.

(LAUGHTER)

So what are the
scores looking like now?

Out in first with 12
points ― Chris Parker.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

It's time to go grab yourself a
tall, awkwardly-filled-to-the-brim

glass of dairy or
plant-based milk,

as we go to the commercials.
We'll see you in a moment.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster.

Paul Williams ― what say we keep
this moving along with another task?

Sure thing. This next task
gets a very solid 3.14 star rating.

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

Come on. Come on.

Where are you, Paul?
You're in there, Paul. Hi, Paul.

- Hello, Josh.
- CHRIS: Holy.

- JUSTINE: Oh, a pie.
- I see you've been very busy in the kitchen.

(SNIFFS) That's
a nice shortcrust.

I hope it's not 'eat the pie'.

All the information
you need is in the task.

- Is in the task. I know.
- Personal jinx.

(EXHALES) OK.

(LAUGHTER)

- Out loud, please.
- Right, sorry.

READS: Recipe pie.

Recipe pie. (CHUCKLES)
Just got recipe.

READS: 'Recite pi to
the most decimal places.'

READS: 'Your one and only
attempt starts in 10 minutes.

'Your time starts now.'

Can I use a googling
something device? Oh.

- Can I read it off the paper?
- No.

- It has to be off by heart?
- Yes.

- Why is this here?
- Just sort of a decoration.

You know what I'm like around baked goods.
You can't put shit like this on the table.

(APPLAUSE)

Once again, I'm hearing a lot of
complaining coming from you, Josh.

(CLEARS THROAT)
I mean, it's not fair.

I don't know how this
goes, but if I do badly,

it's probably because of the
apricot pie that was put in front of me.

- Apricot?
- You can smell it when you walk in.

All I could smell was
Paul and his Lynx Africa.

(LAUGHTER)

- Paul, who is first?
- It's Josh, Paul and Kura.

I reckon I could probably only
remember, like, a page a minute.

Ka-ching! Photographic memory.

- (YELLS)
- Where's the next decimal place?

Oh, these are all
decimal places.

3.141592563.

Right, remember that. Do you
want to share this? It's really good.

KURA: 3.141592653.

Five minutes and 12 seconds.

I reckon we can do it if I
stick mainly to the crust.

41592653. Ha! Ha! Ha!

I don't think I'm going to
be able to finish it, mate.

(GROANS, YELLS)

Not exactly a
page turner, is it?

(WHISTLE TRILLS)

(WHIMPERS)

Can you stop me
when I get it wrong?

- No.
- Cool.

Skipped a few.

You're not gonna stop me when I get it wrong?
We're going to die in here with me saying numbers.

At some point I'll stop and eat this,
but then I'll just go back to numbers.

I'll get thirsty. I'll probably
have to drink my own urine.

- Is that as far as you want to go?
- KURA: Yeah.

- There were a few letters in there.
- Where?

- Did I get heaps right?
- I can't say.

Do you want to know how the others did?
- Yes.

I can't― I can't
tell you, sorry.

Well, I did better than I thought, but I didn't
know if you could tell I was making someof it up.

I've got it all written in front of
me. So if any of them were wrong...

- You'd be able to tell.
- Yeah.

Thank you, Josh.
- You're welcome.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

- Paul ― your conviction around those numbers was quite impressive.
- Thank you.

The only issue was that at the bottom,
there was a graphic that was going along,

which showed that you didn't know
what on earth you were talking about.

Yeah, I remembered a few. But then
I just thought, I'll just chuck some in.

He won't notice. He'll just be distracted
by the fact that I ate an entire pie.

I think he noticed
when you said 11.

That's a number. 11's a number.

It's a number,
Paul. That's right.

Josh ― you were willing to die at one stage.
- Yeah, yeah.

Then you were willing
to drink your own urine.

(LAUGHTER)

And by the end of it,
you'd sort of moved on.

Yeah, I just committed to, like,
learning the first nine or whatever it was,

and then I― I didn't realise I'd
got them all right. That was...

Where did we get to?

- So, Paul recited pi to nine places.
- Yeah.

- Kura recited pi to 12 places.
- That's impressive.

- And Josh recited pi to 13 places.
- That's impressive. That's good.

(APPLAUSE)

I feel like our reciting can only
get better or worse from here.

- You know, we don't actually have to even watch.
- Let's just not bother.

Let's end it there.
- We could just― we could end it there.

End it on a massive high.
- Yeah, that's great. Chris and I are fine.

Who's next, Paul?

Her name has seven
letters, which is crazy,

because I've received
seven letters from the police

telling me to stop loitering outside
Jeremy's house ― it's Justine.

- I have to recite it to you.
- In 10 minutes.

OK. No problem.

3.14159...

26535897...

93238462...

64338327...

950. 28841...

97169399...

37510581...

0270193...

852. 110555...

964461045.

Am I doing this correctly?

Quite ambitious.

- 0471018094...
- (LAUGHS)

823547816.

(SIGHS)

- You ready?
- For?

Reciting pi.

Reciting's from memory.

(LAUGHTER) You ready?

Yeah. Three.

- Mm-hm.
- Mm. Five?

Do I get more chances?

(LAUGHS)

Got to say a lot of
numbers, though.

Sorry, I thought you were
really good at memorising.

You're an arsehole, Paul.

Enjoy your pie.
- You can take the pie if you want.

I'm gonna smash
that pie in your face.

I hate maths. I hate
maths, I hate numbers.

I hate Paul. Now I hate
the caravan. So that's great.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

So how do you think you went
there, Justine? (LAUGHTER)

Well, pretty poorly, Jeremy.

How did Justine go there, Paul?

Well, she got the three...

And then, yeah,
the rest was wrong.

I thought maybe
you just had to do it.

And then if you made
a mistake reading it...

I had a nervous
breakdown, and I― I'm sorry.

- You looked fabulous reading it, though.
- Yes. So good.

- Don't patronise me.
- So good.

It was shit, and I'm
embarrassed about it.

And I was in the car driving
home, feeling embarrassed about it,

and now a few months later,
embarrassed again. So, yay!

I wouldn't be that
embarrassed, Justine, honestly.

(LAUGHTER)

- Surely not.
- So there's one more, isn't there?

I'll just take myself
out, actually.

Who is he, and what witty quip
do you have to introduce him?

He's the man who took the
first five letters of his hometown

and turned them into his name ―

from 'Christ's Church',
it's Chris Parker.

I need, like, like visual
cues. One ― duck.

Five ― spoon, nine
― pieces of fruit.

14159.

265?

14159...

26535...

897.

- What's the 897 mean?
- We're running out of objects.

And so I'm just
kind of doing it in a...

- Southern.
- Southern accent. - Right.

1415...

9265...

35897...

9323...

846.

39 seconds.
- That's it. Don't you fucking give me another number.

Just― and when we're
ready to go, go ― like that.

Because we are holding together.

(WHISTLE TRILLS)
- Stop.

Are you ready for your recital?
- Uh-huh.

(EXHALES)

One, four... (AUDIENCE EXCLAIMS)

What is the first number of pi?

Three. (LAUGHTER)

- Three point...
- No.

You've done an attempt.

(LAUGHS) No, no, no.

OK, well, fine, whatever.
And now I'll just do one for me.

YELLS: 141...

59265...

35897...

9323...

846.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

And you thought you
had a nervous breakdown.

I'll ask you the same
question I asked Justine ―

how do you think you went there?

I'm lost for words.

We were in there for so
long. I learned a full routine.

Just completely thought
'Wow, I'll forget the first number.'

And then I started doubting
myself, and then I felt sad.

And then I felt unhinged.

And then I kind of felt angry.

And then I kind of ended
horny, which was surprising.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
- Oh, man.

So, Chris successfully memorised
21 of the first 22 numbers.

Yes. Unfortunately, he
forgot the very first one.

But you know what?

No, it wasn't even
fun. I don't know.

- Can you remember any of it?
- God, no.

I've blanked that
whole thing out. 1513...

- No, no, three.
- Oh.

(LAUGHTER, CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Thank you for this opportunity.

Thank you.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

I actually love this show.

Paul, please do what Justine and Chris failed
to do, and put some numbers in an order.

Some scores, please.
- Well, the question is a point for Chris, or no points for Chris?

Oh, give Chris a point. I think
we should give Chris a point.

Wait a minute― wait, wait, wait.

- Well, you get two points.
- Oh, do I? - Yeah.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

- Unless you've got a problem with that?
- Great, great.

So one point for Chris, two for
Justine, because she got a number.

Three points for Paul, four points
for Kura, and five points for Josh.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
- But it's all still to play for.

Make sure you come back to find out who's
taking it all home, after these advertisements.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Welcome back to Taskmaster,
where an array of numerical figures

are going to be used to determine who's going
to get to have their five senses overloaded

with some sizzling beef that stopped
sizzling about a half an hour ago.

Paul, who's in the lead?
- It is a nail-biter.

In first equal, on 14 points,
Paul Ego and Josh Thomson.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

There is only one
way to settle this,

but since fight to the death is
banned on most television timeslots,

it's going to have
to be a live task.

Head up to the stage, please.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Well, that's a good old
fashioned Kiwi shed there,

so I can only assume that there's is going to
be some good old fashioned Kiwi tasking goingon.

Who's going to read the task?

- How about Justine Smith?
- Sure thing, Paul.

Memorise the names of the
fish on the poster in the shed.

You have 100 seconds,
and your time starts now.

- CHRIS: How do I open it?
- PAUL EGO: Lift that up and see what happens.

- KURA: God.
- PAUL EGO: Oh, it's cosy.

- Oh, this is lovely.
- Well lit.

JOSH: Shut up.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(SCATTERED LAUGHTER)

It's a good time for the
audience, this one, isn't it?

(LAUGHTER)

- I'm kind of scared. They've gone very quiet.
- Yeah.

(BANG!)
- (KURA SCREAMS)

(BOTH MOAN)

(LAUGHTER)

(WHISTLE TRILLS)
- (SCREAMS)

PAUL EGO: Jesus Christ. I think I just
stared at the same fish for the whole time.

(LAUGHS)

So you have 10
seconds to answer.

We're starting with Kura.
- Snapper.

- Correct. - Kina.
- Correct.

- Kahawai.
- Correct.

- Orange Roughy.
- Correct.

- Gemfish.
- Correct.

- Pipi.
- Correct.

- Stargazer.
- Correct.

- Ghost Shark.
- Correct.

- Oh. Cockle.
- Correct.

- John Dory.
- Correct.

- Paua.
- Correct.

- Bluff oyster.
- Correct.

- Red fish?
- Incorrect.

(AUDIENCE GROAN)

PAUL EGO: Get in the shed, mate.

- Paul. - Blue cod.
- Correct.

- Green muscle.
- Correct.

- Hoki?
- Correct.

- Red mackerel.
- Incorrect.

(GROANS)

(LAUGHTER)

- Can you just read back all the ones we've done?
- I can't, sorry.

Oh. Is pipi on there?

- It's already been said.
- OK. Can I have another go?

No. To the shed, please.

Josh. - Moki.
- Correct.

That's what I had.

Just like... Nemo?

(LAUGHTER)

Incorrect. (AUDIENCE GROAN)

(APPLAUSE)

Kura and Josh have actually
technically done the same amount.

So, Josh, one more.

Yeah, one more, Josh.

- Lingfish.
- (GASPS)

Ling is correct.

(APPLAUSE)

All right, that's enough fish, everyone.
Get down here and we'll cast your scores.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

That was one point for
Chris, two points for Justine,

three points for Paul,
four points for Kura,

and five points for Josh Thomson.
- PAUL EGO: Well done, Josh.

(APPLAUSE)
- So...

Who does that mean took
out our second episode?

The winner of episode two
is the winner of episode one ―

Josh Thomson.
- Wow. There we go.

KURA: OK, OK!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Josh Thomson, congratulations.

Go follow your nose, eyes, mouth and
whatever body parts make up your five senses,

and let yourself be
overwhelmed. Away you go, son.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Tonight, we've
seen dramatic exits,

some bickering over spilt milk,

and the televisual
first of someone

reading 1000 numbers
off a piece of paper.

(LAUGHTER)

But mostly, we've also seen that there can only
be one winner of the second episode of Taskmaster,

and that person is Josh Thomson!
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

Po marie, goodnight.
We'll see you next week.

('TASKMASTER' THEME MUSIC)

(ALL GROAN IN DISGUST)

Oh, no, he doesn't mind.

READS: 'Run a full
marathon. Fastest wins.'

Just kidding. (LAUGHS)

- (YELLS)
- (SCREAMS)

(BLUBBERS LIPS)

What the (BLEEP!) is going on?

This whole episode
is going to be cut.