Original subtitles

Hollywood.

I'm really standing here at the crossroads of the movie world.

Hollywood and Vine.

Hollywood, where all the movie stars live.

And me, Candy Christian.

I'm really here.

Oh, gosh.

It's Christian.

Who? Who are you?

And how did you know my name?

I am compelled to introduce myself.

My name is Johnny Door Opener.

Everyone calls me J .D.

Golly, Mr.

Door Opener.

How did you know who I was?

My business is to know people.

Step inside the restaurant and I will explain all.

I don't know.

I really shouldn't.

Come on, Miss Christian. We have been introduced.

Well, okay.

Two more coffees, honey.

Candy, let me introduce myself to you properly.

Jay Dorfner, sex therapist.

Oh, mistake. It's a former profession.

Uh, wait, read this.

Okay.

Johnny Dornan, actor's agent and star maker.

Star maker, that's me.

Gosh!

Tell me, Candy, you must be a model, aren't you?

No, I just got... Well, if you're not a model, you must be an actress, right?

No, I'm not either.

I just got off the bus from... Candy, do you realize that fate has brought us

together at this particular...

Thank you. That's service, right?

Candy,

do you realize that fate has brought us together? This is destiny.

Now, you're a smart chick, right? Right.

So this won't go over your head.

Now, this planetary vibrational force has been tugging at me to bring us

together this very time and place.

Gee.

This very day.

The 4 ,048th day of the zodiac calendar.

By the way, what month were you born?

June. June. I knew it. I knew it.

The minute I saw you, I said to myself, you were a Gemini.

Right. This could only happen once in 2 ,000 years. 2 ,000 years.

Wow.

What's the matter?

I got something in my eye. Wait.

Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah. Wait one second.

Are you sure?

Yeah. Candy, let me explain.

You're destined to become a big star.

I can see it all now. I can see the headlines.

Candy wins Academy Award.

Now I'm the man that's going to make that possible.

Really? Me?

Oh, gosh.

I see you have plenty of talent.

Look, my office is near. We'll drop by.

Well, okay.

I guess it'll be all right. That's the spirit, kid. This is the stuff dreams

made of.

Keep the change.

What change?

What are you trying to do? Make me look bad in front of the bride, huh?

Turkey.

See that?

Sarah Dawson. I made her a star in two weeks.

Golly! Just two weeks?

I opened those quickly.

In here.

Where are we going?

In here.

Your office isn't here. Here? Hey, I'm not like those other schmucks.

I like to stay close to my talent.

Come on, no one's going to bite you.

It's Miss Newt America.

Shadow Neva.

Made her famous, too.

Come on. My office is this way.

Wait.

Golly,

do you know all these people?

These are the people I made famous.

See that guy there?

He used to be a big actor.

Now he's making dirty movies. He started one last summer. He's still not done.

Here, have a seat.

Tell me, Candy, have you ever heard of the Dong Show?

No.

Well, it's an amateur show where newcomers get their start.

Why, uh... Rich Small did his first impression there.

Dinah Snore sang her first song.

Really? This could be your big break.

With a face like yours and such nice, uh... teeth.

But can you sing?

No.

Well, um... I mean, I never really tried before.

Well, look.

Let's hear a scale.

That's great, kid. That's great. Now let's see if you can dance.

Dancing.

Terrific. Good night, Joe.

Hello, Chuck.

Look, Chucky, this is J .D. I got a girl here who can really sing. You gotta put

her on your show.

What a set of lungs.

Mamma mia.

You can?

Tonight?

That's fantastic. It's great. Hey, no problem. Look, I'll have her there.

All right. Bye.

Now we gotta practice.

I am a qualified hypnotist.

J.

Door opener.

Used cars?

Johnny Door Opener.

Qualified hypnotist. That's me, kid.

Excuse me, Mr. Door Opener, but... J .D., kid. J .D.

Right. J .D.

J .D., I really don't see how being a hypnotist and all can really help

me. I mean, what? Look, Candy, your voice needs training. Normally it would

weeks and much money.

But I can put you under hypnotic trance and accomplish the same thing in a

single lesson.

Golly, do you really mean it?

Hey, look, it's the Pope Jewish.

You will be a veritable Barbra Streisand in minutes.

Can we start right away?

Yeah, sure. Here, go right to the couch.

Now, oh, one thing before we start.

Yes? What's your favorite ice cream?

Vanilla. Oh, great.

Now, just relax.

I want you to focus all your attention on my watch.

I want you to begin counting backwards from 100.

Now, your eyes will become heavy. Don't resist.

Let them close.

Listen only for the sound of my voice.

Do exactly as I say.

Now, begin counting.

100.

99.

98.

97. 96.

5.

4.

Some strong stuff.

I have a big vanilla ice cream cone for you, Candy.

Johnny knows how much you like ice cream cones.

Now, stick it in your mouth.

Suck on it.

Isn't that good?

Suck up.

You tried to sing.

You didn't sing.

Let me hear you...

Yeah,

louder, louder.

Louder.

Louder. Louder.

Louder, higher, louder.

Softer, softer.

Softer, softer.

Softer.

Softer.

Softer.

Softer.

Oh, it's so good.

You're going to be a marvelous singer, Candy.

Great vocal cords.

You love the suck on my... I mean, you love the suck on my ice cream cone.

you, Candy?

I love your ice cream cone.

You love, love, love it in your mouth.

I love it in my mouth.

It's so big, it fills up your whole mouth.

It's so big, it fills my whole mouth.

Here you hum again.

The three girls.

Did you, uh, did you, um, like, uh, my, uh, ice cream cone?

I loved your ice cream cone.

Oh, you did?

It was, uh, vanilla, your favorite.

It's delicious.

Now, Candy, uh, when I, uh, clap my hands,

you'll have...

A voice as sweet as candy.

That's it. JP Organ has died.

Wendy Williams.

You rascal. Why'd you do it?

She's on the wrong show. She belongs in Yellowstone Park.

Thank you, Wendy Williams.

Come on, Wendy.

Hey, Wendy, come on. You gotta leave the stage.

Great stuff. Come on.

You gotta leave the stage. Quiet.

Okay. It's okay.

Great stuff coming here. We got acts. We got acts.

Okay.

Okay, now, our next act is a little girl from Michigan State University with a

voice so fine we call her Granulated Sugar for short.

Folks, welcome Candy Christian!

The minute

you walked in the joint, I... I could tell you were a man

of distinction.

A real big spender.

Good looking.

Lobine. Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind?

So let me get right to the point.

I don't pop my cork for every guy I see.

Say, big spender.

Say, big spender.

Spend a little time with me.

All right, all right, all right. Thank you, Candy Christian.

Now let's see what our celebrities have to say.

Rex T.

Just because you have such nice ass, Chuckie baby, I'm giving her a big,

succulent 69.

You know what I mean, Chuckie?

69? 69's a good score.

Okay, Jamie, what do you got?

Boy, I'll tell you what.

I sure would like a piece of that candy, so I'm giving her a great big 69

inches. Oh, Chuckie, 69! Folks, can you believe it? That's a high score. Watch

out now. Here comes the killer.

JP Organ, what did you do?

What a set of lungs.

Anyone who could sing that much on her chest deserves a big 69.

Kim,

you've been chosen the winner by our panelists.

And here's your prize.

All right, all right. That's the end of another gong show, folks.

Let's have a big hand for our winner, Candy Christian!

This is Chuck Farris saying so

long from Hollywood!

This has been a Chuck Farris production.

The Dom Show is filmed for a live audience.

For any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental and merely

the result of bad taste. My goodness!

You just keep smiling for the TV audience.

Gosh, Mr. Ferris, I can hardly believe I won.

My goodness.

Here's the rescue prize.

I'm sure this is the best part.

You just keep smiling and the whole world will smile at you.

We're not even in the show.

Not even in the show.

me spend the night at his place.

That's great, kid.

You were sensational on the show.

Thanks, J .D.

And thanks also for offering to take care of my check for me so nobody robs

What are agents for, kid?

I really don't know.

Well, they're to protect their stars.

And you're going to be a star, and I'm your agent.

Besides, I got another show for you.

Really?

Already? Mm -hmm.

Johnny Farson saw you on the dong show, and Chuck Brass told him you were

dynamite. Johnny Farson of the last night show?

The one and only, the man himself.

He's got a spot for you on his show tonight.

This is the big time, kid.

Before you know it, you'll be in the movies.

Golly, Mr.

Door Opener, what'll I do?

I don't know another song.

J .D., kid, J .D.

All you have to do is talk.

But what'll I talk about?

Anything that comes into your head.

Whatever you like.

But remember, just follow Farson's lead and do whatever he tells you to do.

Shut down.

Got it, J .T.

Here's the address.

It's in Burbank.

Be there at 7 .30 tonight.

Thanks, J .T.

Oh, J .T., won't I need some cab fare?

Summit, kid.

An agent's duty is to protect his client's money.

I can't have you wasting it on needless things like cabs.

Gosh, you're right, J .D. I sure am lucky to have you watch out for me.

Forget it. Just be there promptly at 7 .30.

I'm on my way.

Making it big.

Hollywood cheese.

Making it big. Making it big.

Hollywood cheese.

Well, hello, honey. Need a ride?

Gee, yes.

Well, hop in.

So, where are you going to, honey?

I'm going to Burbank.

I'm going to be on the Johnny Carson show.

And am I nervous?

Well, I can sure see you got what it takes.

My name is Samantha. My friends usually call me Sam.

I'm Candy, Christian.

Nice to meet you, Candy.

Say, what time do you have to be there anyway?

7 .30, promptly.

Oh, yeah.

You've got lots of time.

Let's go by my place. You know, I used to be in pictures myself.

I could show you a few tricks, so to speak.

Gosh, Sam, would you?

My pleasure, Candy.

Wow, Samantha.

You sure do have a beautiful apartment.

Let me fix you a drink, Candy. What will it be?

Oh, golly. No thanks, Samantha.

I don't drink.

Oh, but everyone in Hollywood drinks.

Let's move.

The way you sort of warm up for the big show and it kind of helps you get over

your nervousness.

Let's toast to your success.

Go on, honey, drink it all down.

This is what everyone does in Hollywood when they want to get together and be

friendly.

It's kind of an old showbiz tradition.

Well, then I guess I'll just have to get used to it.

That's right.

Why don't you go make yourself comfortable?

How about some music?

Sure, Samantha. That sounds good.

Geez, Samantha, the music sounds great.

Why don't you sip some more of your drinks?

Make yourself comfortable.

Gosh, Samantha, I feel real warm and oozy.

Why don't you come and lie down and it'll make you feel much better.

That's a good idea.

Oh, but first maybe take your dress off so you don't wrinkle it for the evening.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Why don't you let me help you?

Let me massage you.

It'll make you feel more relaxed.

Do you like this candy?

Oh my, yes.

That feels nice, Samantha.

Here, why don't you lift up, Candy?

It'll make you feel better.

Make you feel more relaxed.

Okay.

You'll really enjoy this candy.

This will help you to feel relaxed, candy.

Does this feel good to you, Candy?

Feels nice, Samantha.

Why don't you rest a while now, dear?

I'll awaken you in plenty of time for the show this evening.

No need to worry, Candy. We'll

rehearse everything first.

You just follow my lead.

Gosh, thanks, Mr. Farson.

Fifteen minutes till showtime, Johnny.

Thanks, Ed. This way, Candy. We'll rehearse in my dressing room. Was that

man? Sure was. I'll introduce him to you later.

Gee, a real dressing room with a real star on the door.

I've never been in a real star's dressing room before.

Someday you'll have one of these of your own, Candy. If you play your cards

right, that is.

What cards, Mr. Farson?

Oh, I'm speaking metaphorically, Candy.

You have natural assets that will help you go far.

Your smile, your natural warmth. My warmth?

Yes, you're becoming part of a great family, the family of show business.

one big family, every one of us. Men, women, boys and girls, all part of a

tradition.

Gee.

We have a duty, Candy.

And that duty is to serve our fellow man, to bring a little light into his

a little cheer.

Gosh, Mr. Barson, I never realized how noble and unselfish show business was.

It kind of... chokes me up.

A little bit.

It often gets me up, too.

Let me propose a toast to you.

The first night of your new career.

Gee, thanks, Mr. Farson.

I have an outfit here that I want you to wear tonight.

You do?

Drink up.

What size are you, Candy?

Seven.

This will do.

Oh, I think you look lovely in this.

Why don't you try this on, Candy?

Thanks, Mr. Farson.

But where will I change?

Right here.

Right here?

In front of you?

Big star?

Oh, sure.

This is showbiz. Just ignore me. I see chorus girls changing all the time.

Here, let me help you.

Well, that looks lovely.

The panties, too.

This outfit has its own.

But... I think you're just right.

Mr. Farson, these panties don't have any bottom in them.

It's the in thing here in Hollywood, Candy.

Go ahead.

Try them on.

Oh, that is nice.

I think you'll be a smash on the show tonight.

Now, Candy, there's an old show business tradition we need to pay homage to.

There is?

Yes. Just don't move.

Gee, Mr. Farson, this is a nice tradition.

I think I like show business.

That feels nice, Mr. Parson.

Now, Candy, you do me.

Oh, that's nice candy.

So good at that.

Oh, that is nice.

A little faster.

Go on.

You're going to be a star yet?

Why don't you lay down?

You'll be more comfortable there, can't you?

Just make yourself comfortable.

To give from one's breast fully, Candy, is not merely a duty prescribed by an

outmoded superstition.

It is a beautiful and thrilling experience.

Gee, Mr. Farson, that sounds exciting.

Yes, I've seen the wonders of the world, Candy, but none of them compare to the

human breast.

It is the breast that prepares man for the turmoil of the world.

Golly, do you really mean it?

Yes, Candy. Now hold them closer and tighter together so I may feel your

warmth.

Like that?

That's good.

A little tighter.

That's... Just hold it.

Oh, that feels good.

Boy, you're going to be great on the show, Candy.

A little bit tighter.

I know someone who can do something really big for you.

He'll get you on every show in the country.

Oh, that's good.

Oh, that's good.

From beautiful downtown Brisbane, it's The Last Night Show starring Johnny

Farson. I met the man here with Doc Reverenson, and now, here's

Johnny!

Here's Johnny!

I'm coming.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

Gotta go. Run away.

My

goodness.

Show business?

Certainly exciting.

Here's Johnny.

Here I came. I mean, coming.

And because they were running late, I didn't get on the show.

Don't feel bad, kid.

After all, Farson must have liked you. Otherwise, he wouldn't have asked you to

spend the night at his penthouse, right?

Maybe you're right.

He did give me this dress.

See? I have nothing to worry about. That's my job. I'll get you on the show

again. Besides, we have other things that are more important today.

I've got you an audition with Samuel Golddicker, Hollywood's biggest

What's he produce?

Movies, sweetheart, movies.

Haven't you ever heard of Gone with the Wind?

He produce that?

Nah.

Turn that down. That's how big of a producer he is.

And he knows talent when he sees it, too.

He used to be a big actor himself one time until some smart -ass kid came

from one of those method acting schools and took his place.

Anyway, he's making this movie, see?

And it's sure to be a big hit.

And he says a part there calls for a girl of your dimension.

And he wants you to come right over.

Right now?

But, J .D., what'll I do?

Don't you think I better go over the script or something?

I'm not prepared.

Now, don't worry about a thing. I don't want to go over the lines with you

personally.

Here. Here's this card.

Now, scoot.

Traffic's light at this hour.

Okay. I'll pick you up later.

You must be Johnny Door Opener's new discovery. Step right in.

Gosh, all you Hollywood people have such big homes. Yes, well, step right this

way.

The movie you'll be auditioning for is called Something's Got to Happen.

And you'll have the starring role opposite Dean Martin.

Dean Martin?

Really?

Yes, it's a big part.

And you'll have to do a nude scene.

Mr. Golddicker?

I don't know.

Well, it'll be shot in a swimming pool and no one will be able to tell that

you're naked.

It's no big thing.

However, for the purposes of makeup, I must ask you to take off your clothes.

But... But, Mr. Golddicker, I feel so... so

embarrassed. Surely you've auditioned before?

Stand to procedure.

Every star that's come before you has done it, and they will continue to do it

long after you are gone. So, let's get on with it.

Young lady, my time is valuable, and I'm beginning to tire, so

please, please.

Very nice, Candy.

Very, very nice.

Let's spread these legs a bit here.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, yes, I'm sure you'll be very photogenic.

Well, now that we've passed this test, let's go on to the screen test.

I don't think I've ever had one of those before.

Well, it's really quite simple, actually. You see, those video cameras

up to record all the action.

Just like real movie cameras.

This way I can see just how well you come off on screen.

Oh, now I understand.

Yes, okay, so let's take a seat over here.

Move back just a bit, please.

Thank you.

Okay, you play the girl's part, page 92.

Back.

Is that good?

I must.

You are the only man for me.

No man can ever be handsomer.

No man can ever be stronger.

No man can ever satisfy me the way you do.

Oh, Dicker.

The script, Candy, the script.

Oh,

Sam,

you're so big.

You're so... self -fulfilling.

Oh, Sam, please don't put it in all the way.

More emphasis, Candy.

More desperation in your voice.

Tell me how bad you want me.

Tell me how much it hurts.

Oh, you love it, Candy.

Tell me how much you love it.

Yes, but I thought... Remember, Candy, the cappers are rolling.

Don't mess up the scene.

You're so fulfilling.

Oh, Sam, please don't put it in all the way.

Get the part.

Absolutely.

Hi.

How's the test?

Great, great.

Good.

What am I supposed to do with this?

That's the best product I ever bought you. Come on.

I've got to confer with my accountant on this.

Fuck your accountant.

I already did, and she was... Come on, give me, give me, give me.

Here,

have a toothpick.

Hey, it's a perfectly good toothpick. What's the matter?

Bye, Mr.

Golddigger.

Sweetheart, you're gonna be a big star.

Left side really is my best side.

Well, I hope you were nice to Mr. Golddicker.

He said I got the part, J .D. He did, huh?

Hey, that's great. See, everything's happening for you.

Now look, tonight we're going to a big Hollywood party.

Big Hollywood party. Everybody ever...

Heard about in the movies or seen on TV will be there. Everybody. Big party.

Maybe I ought to get your hair done.

Gee, J .D., a real Hollywood party?

The biggest.

Champagne and hors d 'oeuvres and everything?

Yeah, and everything.

See this guy's place?

I got him his first big break on TV.

You did?

Yeah. Here's a couple of bucks.

How about it?

I got some auditions at the office.

Now just take your time. When you're done... Walk over to the office. It's

around the corner.

Okay. See you later.

Hasta luego.

He sure is a hard worker.

Yeah. Oh, that tastes sensational, sweetheart.

Now I'm going to show you some moves.

Every good singer, every great singer's got to have great moves.

Come here.

Got something down.

Speak. Speak.

Speak.

Woo -woo.

Close your eyes.

Now open them.

It's beautiful.

The other hand.

Oh, you have great moves, kid. Great moves.

Great legs.

You'd be another Julian House before you know it.

Good grief!

Candy, cover your eyes

I'm auditioning here.

Did I dance all right, Mr. Door Opener? Just fine, just fine.

Now, don't forget, the address of the party tonight, 8 .30, sharp.

Okay.

Candy, you look beautiful.

I should send you to that beauty parlor every day.

Hey, we're gonna go to this party tonight. You're gonna meet all the big

all the big shots. You're gonna be in the movies before you know it. All the

people you want to meet are gonna be there today.

Oh, gosh.

We're gonna have so much fun.

You mind?

Oh, please.

Oh.

oh oh

Okay. Okay.

Oh, shit.

Oh.

Oh, no.

oh um

um um

oh oh

Thank you.

Wow.

What?

oh

Let's go.

oh oh

uh uh

Thank you.

um um

All right.

Good. Great.

Pay no attention.

This is an old Hollywood tradition.

Cast and friends get together before a big shoot. Come on, let's have a drink.

Go on, go on, go on.

Isn't that Rocky Stallion, the big Academy Award winner over there? That's

A -Rock, a little bit.

Hey, J .D., what's happening?

Oh, it's empty. Here.

Isn't that Johnny Farson from the last night show?

That's him. He gets around. You see who's with him? Sarah Gossett.

The one you made famous in two weeks? Two weeks, two weeks.

Is that Chuck Beres from the gong show? How's it going, Johnny?

Oh, pretty good. How's yourself?

All right.

I haven't heard from you in quite some time.

Well, I've been busy, you know. It's a busy season.

Well, I think I'll go to the powder room, enjoy your drink.

I'll be back.

Don't buy any fish.

I don't have any intentions to.

Who was that?

I don't know. I think she works here.

Excuse me, Johnny. I have to go to the powder room, too.

No problem. Hurry back.

Is that Ed, the man?

Yeah, I told him.

Hurry back.

I see you came in with Johnny Door Opener.

Yeah, he's helping me with my career.

It got me this fabulous part opposite Dean Martin in Samuel Golddicker's new

movie.

You're full of shit, honey. I got that part.

Well, you're both wrong because I got that part last week. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. I got a part there, too.

Well, you can kiss that part goodbye because when I get through with you...

Wait, wait.

Girls, there's no sense in this.

I'm sure Mr.

Door Opener can straighten it all out.

Yeah, let's go have a little talk with Mr. Porter. Yeah, right now.

There he is.

You too, Tom. Who got that part in the gold digger's picture?

Well, you got the part, baby.

She got the part? Yeah.

No, you got the part. I screwed him twice for that part. What did she say?

I thought...

I think I better get out of here.

I got this great job for you.

These Hollywood people are crazy.

I think I'll go to Washington.