All language subtitles for everybody_hates_chris_s03e14_everybody

( upbeat theme playing )

CHRIS:
Growing up in Bed-Stuy,

one holiday I looked
forward to was Easter.

That's two boxes of dye
and a dozen eggs.

That it?

Almost.
You were dressed up,

girls were dressed up,

and it was a good day
to pretend you were on a date.

Since Tasha and I
went to the same church,

she was the perfect choice.

So...

you gonna be in that
Easter pageant next week?

Yeah.

Got an escort?

CHRIS:
Please say no.

Yeah, Robert.

Hey.
CHRIS: Get lost.

What's up?
ROBERT: Did you remember

to get the Epsom salt
for your grandmother?

Got it.

� All I think about... �

CHRIS:
I wasn't proud of it,

but I prayed something bad

would happen to him.

( rumbling )

Oh, my God!

Robert, how will I ever
get over this?!

( sobbing )

Oh, I'll help you.

Yeah, I'll help you.

CHRIS:
I never got that meteor,

but something almost as good
happened.

Why say that?
That's not what I said.

I heard what you said.
Do you have to be so stupid?

You're stupid!

No, you're stupid.
I hate you. It's quits!

I hate you.
CHRIS: I love this.

� When I think of you... �

You okay?
It's nothing.

Just forget it.

CHRIS:
Time to bust a move, Dumb MC.

Chris, are you going to the
Easter pageant with anybody?

CHRIS:
Yeah, Lisa Bonet.

No. Why?

Would you escort me?

Yeah.

Great.

It's a date.

CHRIS: Tasha was on the rebound,
so I made like Dikembe Mutombo.

( mouths ):
Thank you.

( funky hip-hop theme playing )

� Oh, make it funky now �

CHRIS: The biggest deal
at our house on Easter

was my mother's church hat,
because a church hat on Easter

was like a gown at the Oscars.

WOMAN:
Hey, girl!

Here she comes.

Rochelle? Rochelle?

Hi, Shaun.

Oh, that hat is fabulous!

Thank you.
Who is it?

It's a Sean Gianni Vermani.
Ha.

Love you, girl.
You look fabulous!

Come on, Julius.
Oh, yes.

ROCHELLE:
Julius, come back here.

I need you to help me
pick out my Easter hat.

I'd rather pick cotton.

CHRIS:
It would be less backbreaking.

Rochelle, we've been doing
this for months.

JULIUS:
Just pick one.

Oh, Julius, you just don't
pick out a hat.

A hat picks you.

Okay, now tell me,

which one of these
will look better on me?

I don't know.

Where's your dress?

I put it on layaway.

It's not out yet.

Ooh, which reminds me,
I need $10.

CHRIS: My mother didn't
put the dress on layaway

because it was expensive.

She just started planning
for Easter

at Thanksgiving.

Mom, why is this cranberry sauce

shaped like a rabbit?

Because I was testing out
my new Easter molds.

Who wants gravy?

CHRIS:
Nobody!

( groans )

CHRIS: While my mother was judging hats,

Greg was judging me.

Don't you think
it's kinda weird

to have a date on Easter?

Less weird than
not having a date ever.

Besides, it's not a date.

It's an opportunity.

I guess you're right.

Maybe I should go back
to church.

You know, score some babes.

CHRIS:
When Greg went back to church,

the only one who hit on him
was the priest.

It's just that Robert's
out of the picture.

If I'm ever gonna have
a shot with Tasha, this is it.

I hear you.
Kick a man when he's down,

that's what I always say.

CHRIS:
That was the only time

he ever said that.

Whose side are you on?

Yours. The guy's an idiot.

I haven't even been
on one date,

and I know you don't break up
with a girl before a holiday.

A girl by herself on a holiday

is like an ice-cream cone
in hell.

It ain't gonna
be there very long.

I know I always say this,
but this time,

dude, you truly are in there.

Wait.

Do you even know
what an escort does?

CHRIS: I do,
but this is a family show.

Meanwhile, my mother
was wearing out shoes

looking for a hat.

Rochelle,

this is the sixth hat shop
we've been to today.

Yeah, but they say

this is the best hat shop
in Brooklyn.

Why didn't we come here
first?

Well, how would I know
if it's the best hat shop

if I didn't visit
all the lousy ones first?

CHRIS: That's how Vanessa
looked for a husband.

Oh, yeah, girl, this is nice.

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

( sighs )

Oh, can I help you?

Yes. I'm looking for
a church hat for Easter.

Not just a church hat.

She needs the churchiest hat
you've got.

Uh-oh,

sounds like somebody's getting
into a hat competition.

Oh, no, she's not gettin'
into the competition.

She is the competition.

Rochelle is
the three-time winner

of the Double Rock
on Zion's Holy Gospel

Temple of Bethesda
Christian Worship

Baptist Church
Easter Hat Show.

Uh-huh. She's about
to make it number four.

Hello.
( chuckles )

You are Rochelle.

I heard about you.

I'm Hattie.

Hi, Hattie.

Well, this is my friend,
Vanessa.

Well,
how did you hear about me?

Well, I just joined your church,
and I have been told

that nobody can beat you.

Ha-ha. You know that's right.
You work here?

No, I own the shop.

Thus the name.

Oh. Well, it's very nice.

You have some
really lovely hats.

Um, do you have this one
in a medium?

Oh, if I did,

I wouldn't sell it to you.

What?

HATTIE:
You see,

I plan on winning
the hat competition

this year.

And as much as I would love
your business,

I'd be a fool
to sell you a hat.

CHRIS:
She told her.

( tense theme playing )

Well, uh, Miss Hattie,

thus the name,

I don't know who you think
you are, and I don't know--

No, I'll tell you
who I am.

I am the five-time winner

of the Fort Greene
Greater Faith Holy Baptist

Temple of Divinity

COGIC
Easter Spectacular,

and I have graced
the cover six times

of Hat Weekly,
waiting on the seventh.

Isn't that right, Levin?

( chuckles )

Well, Miss Hattie...

here's a--

A dime.

Oh, what's that for?

ROCHELLE:
For you to call somebody

who really cares.

Yeah, because I'm going to...

win that competition.

We'll see about that.

Oh, yes, we will.
Come on, Nessa.

CHRIS:
While my mother was steaming,

at home,
things were boiling over.

Chris, how long
does it take to boil eggs?

I think they're done.

I told you.

What are y'all doing anyway?

I mean, I thought you already
dyed eggs for Easter.

We did. These eggs
are for the church egg hunt.

Me and Drew are bringing extra,

so I can have a head start
on winning.

That's cheating.

Not if I don't get caught.

CHRIS:
Now Tonya uses the same logic

when she does her taxes.

All right, but you better not
let Mama catch you either.

I didn't think about that.

Don't worry. I'll hide 'em
in the refrigerator.

CHRIS: Who'd think of
looking for eggs there?

While Tonya and Drew
were getting ready

to become career criminals,

I was getting ready
for my date with Tasha.

Uh, Chris, if you look
on that shelf over there,

there's an ointment
that'll help you with that.

Thanks, Doc,
but I don't need any ointment.

So why you walking
like there's something

swollen, itching or burning?

Oh,

'cause Tasha asked me
to escort her in the pageant.

So I'm practicing my walk.

CHRIS:
Walk like that in Bed-Stuy,

you better run.

Why?

She seen you walk before?

Yeah, I know.

It's just that she just
broke up with Robert.

So if I impress her now,
she'll forget all about him.

And you will stroll right in
and be her new man.

Exactly.

You think
that's gonna work?

Why wouldn't it?

Because she's on the rebound.

Rebound?
Yeah.

When you break up with somebody,
the next person you end up with,

they got you on the rebound.

A person on the rebound
will be with anybody

just to forget the person
they just left.

CHRIS: So who do you
have to break up with

to end up with Bobby Brown?

Well, if I got anything
to do with it,

she gonna forget
all about him.

CHRIS: Maybe if he hit her
in the head with a brick.

Well, you got a whole day.

You got plenty of time.

Hey, Doc.
Hey.

Hey, Chris.

Hey, Tasha, what's up?

My grandmother just told me

we're not going
to our church this Sunday.

She wants me to do the pageant
at her old church in Queens.

Queens?

Sorry.

CHRIS: The Lord giveth
and the Lord taketh away.

Now let's go to commercial
before I start cursing.

CHRIS: Even though Tasha was
going to another church on Easter,

I wasn't gonna let that
stop me from going with her.

Hey, Tasha, wait up.

What?

What time is the Easter pageant

at your grandmother's
old church.

After the early service at 4:00.

Why?

I'll be there.

Really?

Yeah, I'll be there.

Thanks, Chris.

I'll see you Sunday.

( sighs )

CHRIS: While I was
going all out for Tasha,

Drew and Tonya
were going all out to win.

We need to figure out a way
to get these eggs to church.

I got an idea.

Come over here.

This is where I hide
all my stuff from Mama. Shh.

Don't tell her.

CHRIS: I hope she doesn't
have a gun in there.

All right,
put the eggs in here.

Be careful.

( sighs )

Now all I gotta do
is convince Daddy

to let me bring
my baby doll to church.

Cool.

While Drew and Tonya
were stacking the deck,

my mother was stacking
her hat.

Girl, I have been
working on this hat all day.

You want to see it?
Yes.

Open, open, open!

( religious theme playing )

Oh...
( laughs )

That's what I'm talking about.

That's a hat.

I just have to do
one last thing.

Ooh! Ooh!

What's wrong?

Ooh, that's a bad hat, girl!

Hattie's gonna wish she
never even messed with you!

CHRIS: And peacocks wished they'd
stayed out of your way too.

By the time Easter came,

my family was working on
more schemes

than a pop star in rehab.

Rochelle,
I got some bad news.

What?

I have to work today.
I can go to the service,

but then I have to leave.
No, he don't.

What are you talking about?
Nobody works on Easter.

CHRIS:
He doesn't either.

What can I tell you?
I just got the call.

I didn't hear the phone.

Never rang.
Maybe you were in the bathroom.

I wasn't in the bathroom.

I ain't hear it either.
Hear the phone?

I didn't hear the phone. You?

I didn't hear it.
I answered it on the first ring.

CHRIS: No, he didn't.
One of the guys got sick.

They're offering
quadruple double overtime.

DREW: Quadruple double overtime?
I never heard of that. You?

Never heard of that.
You heard of that?

No, I ain't heard of that.
Well, I can't pass it up.

It sounds like a lot of money.

It is.
CHRIS: No, it's not.

Who's gonna escort me in
the Easter Hat Show?

Drew can.
Why I gotta go?

How come you can't go?

I gotta help Tonya.
I can help her.

CHRIS:
Not if I can help it.

I don't want you to
mess your suit up.

ROCHELLE: Chris is right.
Drew can escort me.

But, Chris, I want you and Tonya
in your seats

clapping for me at 4:00.
Four o'clock?

Yeah, that's what time
the fashion show starts.

Why, you got
something better to do?

CHRIS: Yeah.
No.

Okay.
CHRIS: I didn't know

how I was gonna
be in two places at once,

but I wasn't gonna risk
blowing it with Tasha.

By the time we got to church,
the hat show hadn't started,

but the competition
was already on.

( whispering ):
Praise the Lord. Hi, girl.

I saved you all
some seats.

Okay. Go in.

Praise the Lord,
Brother Brown.

How you been?
All right.

Girl, I have not seen you
in a month of Sundays.

How you been?

CHRIS:
Sinning.

( 2001: A Space Odyssey
theme playing )

( softly ):
Hi.

Sister Rochelle.

Sister Hattie.

Imagine what they would've
called each other

if they weren't in church.

Happy Easter, everybody.

ALL:
Happy Easter.

Can the church say Amen?

ALL:
Amen.

Let me get a hallelujah.
ALL: Hallelujah!

Praise the Lord!
ALL: Praise the Lord!

All right.

Hey, baby,
I have to go to work,

so I'll see y'all after.
Okay, baby.

Since I'm making more money,
you don't have to cook,

so buy a plate for everybody.
CHRIS: Nice touch.

Hey, Mom, me and Tonya
are gonna go

get a head start
on the egg hunt.

Okay, I want you back
by 4 though.

We will.

So I guess
it's just me and you, Drew.

Yeah, I guess so.

Where you going?

I'm gonna meet Tasha in Queens.

I'm gonna tell on you.

What about all those eggs
you snuck in?

You don't tell on me,
I won't tell on you.

Fine.

CHRIS:
When a good plan falls apart,

you usually have no idea
it did...

until it's too late.

Oh! What happened?

I was doing Prince splits
and I hurt my ankle.

Oh, no. What are we gonna do?

VANESSA: We should take
him to the hospital.

No, I'm talking
about the hat show.

Who's gonna escort me?

Well, if you want to quit, quit,

but don't bring the children
in it.

What?

Don't act shocked.
I've seen it all before.

I am not pulling out
of this competition.

So I suggest that you work on
your second-place smile,

'cause I'm taking this
grand prize home.

( chuckles )

Where's Julius?

He left for work.

Ooh, you know what?
Go get Chris.

CHRIS: She was going to get me,
but I was getting Tasha.

Hey.

Chris, you made it.

Told you I would.

CHRIS: By the time I got to Tasha,
not only did I look good,

I was making Robert
look really bad.

You know, my grandmother said

you were just another
no-account Negro

who never kept his promises

or took care
of his responsibilities,

and would eventually end up
leaving me in the cold

with a runny-nosed baby.

CHRIS:
Then we'd be on Jerry Springer.

Nah. I wouldn't do that.

She's probably thinking
about Robert.

Yeah, but I don't wanna talk
about him.

CHRIS:
Good.

Well, we'd better get going.

Looks like the pageant's going
to start in a little while.

( indistinct chatter )

Tonya? Ooh, where did you
get all those eggs?

Did you hijack a chicken?

I've just been
looking really hard.

Well, where's Chris?

CHRIS:
Think fast, woman.

Uh, he's looking for eggs.

Well, we need to find him.

Drew sprained his ankle,

so he needs to escort
your mother to the hat show.

Come on, girl.

Come on, girl!

CHRIS: Meanwhile,
the only thing my dad was working

was the remote control.

MAN ( on TV ):
Strike!

Strike?
What are you talking about?

That was low and inside!

Come on.

JULIUS:
You got him.

Come on. You got him.

Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh-ho-ho!

Oh, man! Ah.

CHRIS: Across town,
Tasha had lost a boyfriend

and won a pageant,

and I was there
to collect the prize.

VANESSA: What makes you
think he's going to be here?

Well, he wasn't at Doc's or the
playground or the barbershop.

TONYA:
Maybe he's here.

What are y'all doing here?

We're looking for Chris.
What are you doing here?

Where's Chris?
VANESSA: Well, we don't know.

That's why we're
trying to find him.

Drew sprained his ankle.

There's nobody to be
Rochelle's escort.

I thought you had to work.

I did. I-I just came here

to get changed.

Um, I was just catching
a little bit of the game

before I went in.

Mm-hm, mm-hm.

Looks like you caught

more than just
a little bit of the game.

TONYA:
Well, somebody needs to go

back to church and escort Mama
through the hat show,

or we're all gonna
get in trouble.

Okay, okay.

We'll just keep this between us.

CHRIS: You, them and
a five dollar bill.

( organ music playing )

Well, now,
this year our fashion show

has been nothing less
than spectacular.

You got that right!

I believe it's the best hat-off

we've had in years.

ALL: Oh, yeah.
Does the church agree?

( shouts of agreement )
PREACHER: Amen! Amen!

PREACHER: Well, I see the
judges have made their decision.

For the past three years,

Sister Rochelle has swept
the competition.

Hallelujah!

PREACHER:
But this Easter,

our newest member,
Sister Hattie,

brings a wealth of hat
expertise and her awards too.

Damn. Oops. I'm sorry.

( shocked murmuring )

( dramatic organ music playing )

PREACHER:
But this year's winner

and still champ
is Sister Rochelle.

( congregation cheering )

ALL: � Her Easter hat Won the hat show �

� Rochelle's new hat
Four years in a row �

� She can't believe
That she beat Hattie �

� This Easter hat is the hat
That made history �

� Oh, oh, oh, oh �

� Oh �

Where's Chris?

ROCHELLE: Where's Chris?
Here I am.

( all cheering )

� History �

� Yeah, yeah, yeah �

CHRIS:
By the end of the day,

I thought it would be different

between me and Tasha.

Hey Chris, thanks for coming
to my pageant with me.

I had a good time.

Me too.

So I was thinking,

you want to do something
together sometime?

Robert?

Where's a meteor
when you need one?

I'm sorry.

You should be.

Why don't you go somewhere?

She don't wanna talk to you.

It's okay, Chris.
CHRIS: No, it's not.

I wanna hear this.

CHRIS:
No, you don't.

I didn't mean to call you
stupid.

Yes, he did.
And I'm sorry.

CHRIS:
No, he's not.

For real?

Yes.

CHRIS:
No!

Don't do it again.

CHRIS:
Ain't this about a...

I heard you won
the Easter pageant.

Yeah, no thanks to you.

Unfortunately for me,
that was a great Easter,

except the wrong person
came back after three days.

( sighs ):
That feels good. Mm.

You'll be okay, baby.

I'm proud of you.

I'll go get dinner.

Thank you, baby.

You okay?

( phone ringing )

Uh, I'll get it.

( groans )

ROCHELLE:
Hello?

What's wrong with you?

I ate all the candy
I won at the Easter egg hunt.

May I be excused, please?

Go upstairs.
I'll check on you later.

Thank you.

Okay.

DREW:
Hey, Dad.

When you get done, can I have
some more frozen peas?

Frozen peas?

What are you doing
Prince splits for anyway?

Between bandages,
frozen vegetables-- Mm-hm.

and cleaning your suit,
that's $14.86 worth of split.

I'll bring your peas
in a minute.

ROCHELLE:
Okay.

Happy Easter.

Come on in, baby, sit down.

Who was that?
ROCHELLE: Your job.

It was?

Mm-hm.

They want you to come in
and work tonight.

They do?

Yeah.

You know, it's funny
because I told them

that you just came from work

to escort me
in the Easter hat show.

But they said you hadn't
been to work all day.

Quadruple double overtime,
huh?

Hey. What's going on?

Hey, Chris.
Hey, how you doing?

Oh, you must be hungry.

Look, um, there's extra
'cause Tonya's sick.

Come on, Drew.

I can't walk.

Oh, we'll bring you some later.

( knock at door )
I'll get it.

JULIUS:
You sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

You've worked enough today.

Oh, hi, Tasha.

Hi. Is Chris here?

He is, but we're
having dinner at the moment.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just wanted to
drop these pictures off for him.

And thanks for letting
Chris come to Queens

and escort me
in the Easter pageant.

You are so welcome.

( chuckles )

And thank you.

Happy Easter.

You too.
Okay.

Chris!

� Everybody hates Chris �

( organ theme playing )

� That Easter hat �

� Won the hat show �

� Rochelle's new hat �

� Four years in a row �

� She can't believe �

� That she beat Hattie �

� This Easter hat �

� Is the hat �

� That made history �

� History �